01x03 - The Small World of Florian Selby

[bunniefuu]

Madam.

Selby?

Mason.

Out so soon.

- How did you get in here?

- You know me.

Proper charmer.

Hmm.

- Where's my money?

- Um

- I I don't have it.

- You sure?

Uh, 20K? I think I'd know, wouldn't I?

Um

What's the rush? Uh, don't tell me.

- Business opportunity?

- Yeah, as it happens.

Stake in a bar. Acapulco. Sun, sea.

f*cking.

A convict on a beach is

a story as old as time.

It will go belly up and you know it.

That lovely little girl

of yours. What's her name?

Iris, innit?

Easy, boy.

I ain't to be trifled with.

I'm a rough c**t. Don't

need to tell you that.

Well, I know people, too.

Yeah? Lived with you for

a year, not one visitor.

Ain't no one got your back.

I just need time.

Forty-eight hours.

and they're off out of the traps.

It's traps three and four

straight out as we thought,

but it's the outsider Sammy

Lee as he stretches ahead

Come on, Sammy Lee. Save

my life. Save my life.

Oh! Oh. And Sammy Lee's down.

Sammy Lee is down.

That's most unusual,

but the race goes on.

Red Jack moving ahead

f*ck you, Sammy Lee. f*ck you. f*ck you.

Allegra?

Uh, Allegra. Allegra, I need a favor.

Yeah, would it hurt for

you to call me Mommy?

Very much.

I did carry you for

seven and a half months.

Oh, yes, I know.

Last month and a half was

just too much, wasn't it?

- Places to be.

- If it's money you're after,

- you can forget it.

- Forget it then.

Oh, God.

- I'm in a spot of bother.

- Yes.

I don't suppose you could

free up some of Daddy's cash.

You know, I had such high hopes for you.

I thought you'd achieve

fortune and acclaim,

thanks to your intellect.

But instead, you've just

dragged the family name

- through the gutter.

- More than Papa?

No, not more than your

father, but you will.

Certain of that.

- Can I have some money, Mommy?

- No, get a job.

I mean, after all, you have

been living here rent free,

haven't you?

Isn't it time you actually thought

of doing something

useful with your life?

No. Um, you're right.

You're right. I should, um

I should work high up in a

bank, marry someone I despise,

have children I don't have time for,

get a little rent boy on the side

before topping myself at 55.

What a capital idea,

Allegra. Have a wonderful day!

Lady in here, 94.

And even she's had more d*ck

than you in the past decade.

Well, Richard's cooking me dinner, so

He picked you up outside a peep show.

He's basically Travis Bickle

with a friendship bracelet.

Man's so worthy,

he gives me the p*ssy-shits.

- He's just so

- Yeah,

but it's time to stick

some d*ck up there.

Yes. 'Cause you haven't been laid

since Whitney Houston d*ed.

- All right.

- Mm-hmm. That's 2012.

No, Whit.

We will always love you.

- Aw

- All right?

Totally fuckable.

So, are you gonna sit on

a d*ck tonight or what?

I am, even if it kills me.

What's the worst that could happen?

Not to alarm you, but honestly,

you are going to f*cking love this!

- Am I?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All the cool couples are doing it.

Richard, I've had r*pes

that began this way.

Ta-da!

I'm not gonna r*pe you.

Fancy a Thai green curry?

Look

You know, they call me

Robin Hood of the bins.

It's all perfectly good

stuff that they throw away.

Come on, don't be a snob.

Get in the bin.

Get f*cked.

I'm just trying to stop us burning alive

- on this dying planet.

- Mm.

It comforts me, Richard,

to know we're in such

safe hands with you.

Hmm.

Oh, f*ck.

I was gambling in Havana ♪

You creepy little fucker.

You tracked me, didn't you?

I put trackers on all

my friends' phones.

I care too much.

Anyway, the company you keep,

you can't be too careful.

- Where's Iris?

- With Gloria.

I'm on a date. Please f*ck off.

- Oh, on a date. She's on a date!

- No! Oh, God!

- On a date.

- No, no.

With who, hmm?

Hmm?

Oh.

Well, you've picked some

low-hanging fruit before,

but this is ridiculous.

He's in a bin.

Sorry, uh, Richard.

This is Selby, a friend.

Uh, Selby. This is Richard.

- He's cooking me dinner.

- Hmm.

Hello, mate.

Hello. I can take you to dinner.

The bin beast can join, too.

Have you been to a

restaurant before, Dickie?

- Prezzo doesn't count.

- Ignore him.

He a certified twat. It has been proven.

- Come on.

- Okay.

Good.

Cockblocking 'cause you care, are we?

- Thank you very much for that.

- Come on, d*ck!

Oh, my God.

Stop.

She's out with a man, you know?

It's just a date.

I don't know like men. I

think they're disgusting.

Some are all right.

Paul will be here soon, you'll like him.

- Aunty G, what's a whore?

- What?

Oh, okay. Um

Moll Flanders, official

whore. Wore it proudly.

Divine Brown, iconic whore.

Julia Roberts played a whore

in the film Pretty Woman.

Made every girl wanna to be one.

Billie Piper, Secret Diary

of a Call Girl, ITV whore.

And that's the four

whores of the apocalypse.

So, is Mom a whore?

Your mom's definitely not a whore.

If anything, she's the opposite of one.

Why do you ask?

Ava said that her mom saw

my mom in the newspaper

bragging about being a whore.

Yeah, that definitely didn't happen.

- Okay.

- Come on.

Who's Ava? Is she a friend of yours?

She controls the playground.

I mean, she's excited

about coming around

for a playdate, though.

She's never been to a "whore house."

Next time I pick you up from school,

you point her out to me.

I'll sort her out.

It's just such a shame

you should meet Costello

during one of her sober periods.

She's usually a lot more fun.

What?

Just look at her. She's fun.

Oh.

Don't be disheartened, d*ck.

She always pushes people away.

You just hang in there, my boy.

- Known each other long?

- Since university.

Yes, that was where I

first hit you, wasn't it?

You call it a hit,

you left a tiny graze.

- It was a significant bruise.

- I punched him once.

Oh, she did.

- Were you together?

- Oh.

Dickie! No!

No. I'm not a bi, or a pan, or a fluid.

I picked a side and I stuck through it.

I'm a classical h*m*.

- God, you are so drunk.

- And you can do better than him.

Yeah, of course, I can. But,

you know, times are tough.

Ah, she says it is as

it is. Oh, I love that.

Mm.

Oh.

I hear she hasn't had sex in a decade.

- Oh, my God.

- Well,

tonight's your lucky night, Dickie boy.

You've won the f*ck

lottery and it's a rollover.

You know, I think you two have

got a very toxic relationship.

Thank you very much.

I do.

So, Mom got cancer, she

d*ed and then Dad f*cked off.

Then it was care home, to care home,

to care home, to foster home,

and then back to care home.

But I never got nonced.

Silver lining?

You?

Well, my mom walked out

on us when I was eight

and I haven't heard from her since.

And you've met my dad.

Big man in the community.

Always disappointed in me.

That sh*t messes with your head, mate.

I just get on with it.

Respect.

I don't normally meet women like you.

I bet you don't.

- Do you mind if I join her?

- Knock yourself out.

- Don't go anywhere.

- I'm right here.

We're gonna dance

like no one's watching.

Please don't do that.

People are watching and

they've seen us together.

Step aside. Watch and learn.

Are you ready?

- Let's go.

- All right!

He is a ridiculous

man. A poverty voyeur

who just wants his

grubby little experience,

a glimpse of the tampon string,

to spend the night in a flat

with a pay-as-you-go electricity meter.

You'll never let me meet anyone.

- He's a f*cking pervert!

- So are you!

Yes, but in a normal way!

Whatever happens with this

twat or any other twat

just don't take Iris away from me.

- I'd never do that to you.

- Hmm.

Don't f*ck him.

He's using you. You

give him authenticity.

I'm gonna give him a

hand job and a blowjob.

Oh, my God.

Don't put bin cock in your mouth.

You're better than that!

Jane says I'm done with Sergio ♪

You feel like Louis Theroux

on one of his weird weekends, don't you?

- How the other half live!

- Stop it. I don't.

I like you.

Says I don't owe him nothing ♪

But if he come back again ♪

- I'm scared.

- About the

We don't have to do it tonight.

Would you like me to finger you gently?

- Can you feel the scars?

- Yeah, I like them.

- Is it baggy down there?

- Oh, no, it's tight.

- Really? How tight?

- Tight as

Tight as Norway's fiscal policy.

Tight as the bond between Fidel and Che.

Tight as the mental health budget

in this country.

Which is an utter scandal.

Do I have your consent?

God, I've been looking forward

to this for such a long time.

Come here, baby girl.

I didn't even

- touch it.

- Yeah.

Oh, I'm a bit embarrassed.

Would you like to cry?

Mm, no, I wouldn't.

Would you mind if I do?

Yep, give me a second.

Come on.

Yep.

Come on, help a man out.

Hunting for cock?

Thought you'd be looking for my money.

- You f*cking should be.

- Mason, get off.

The money is coming.

Let's go get it then.

- You're not even hard.

- Oh, f*ck.

f*ck.

Hey. Oh, give us another chance.

Oh, dear.

Get the f*ck out.

Come on, Louis CK. Out you get.

C'mon, not the L word,

that's that's unfair.

Right then. It has come to my attention

that I have indulged in behavior

that some find inappropriate.

Well, what am I meant to do with this?

Take it with you, I presume.

Yeah.

You know I'm better than you, right?

Yeah, I know.

So, was his d*ck in you at any point?

Well, then it doesn't count.

The losing streak continues.

Thank you for looking

after Iris, though.

Did you and Paul have fun with her?

Of course. I'm her Auntie G.

Can I ask another favor?

Would you be able to pick

Iris up from school later?

- Please?

- Why don't you ask Florian Selby

since you spend all your time with him?

I looked after you

when he was locked up.

But now, he's out, I don't ever see you.

You know I need to work.

No, you need to talk to

Iris about her friend Ava.

She's been telling her you're a whore

ever since the article came out.

And I've got to face the

moms at school. f*ck's sake.

All right, I'll sort it.

Ava's coming over for a playdate.

Um, can you pick her up later as well?

- I feel like your employee.

- And I'll be back

- to give them both dinner.

- You owe me big time!

Mason is a friend I made in prison.

Uh, this is all very embarrassing,

but I have every reason to believe

he's a very dangerous man.

And I appear to have found myself

owing him a rather large sum of money.

So, I throw myself at your mercy.

Please pay him or I fear he may hurt me.

He's right, Allegra, I'm

a very serious individual.

He won't look so pretty

when I'm finished with him.

Mason, I've never been pretty,

but I am f*cking stylish,

and you'll never knock that out of me.

How much?

Twenty grand.

But I had to chase him,

so let's make it 30.

This

is coming out of your inheritance.

How long will I have to wait for that?

Twenty grand and not a penny more.

- Uh, I want cash.

- You will get

- what you're given.

- What if it bounces?

I haven't bounced a check

since Black Monday 1987, actually.

I like her.

- She's got spirit.

- Bugger off.

You can pack your bags.

The house in Bruton is empty,

you can go and stay there.

You'll continue to

receive your allowance,

but not a penny more.

You can go tonight.

Didn't even like him really.

But I've been on my

own since Iris was born.

I just wanted to feel attractive.

That's understandable.

You're still a young woman.

Was he up to the job?

He came on his feet, Lenny.

Oh, boys these days.

Never been further away from being men.

Mm-hmm.

I got a card from Mom. She

posted it through my door.

That can't be good.

The past never stops

chasing. f*ck's sake.

That's the funny thing about the past.

No matter where you go,

it's always f*cking there.

Better get used to it then.

Thanks, darling.

You know,

you can tell a lot about a woman

when you look between her legs.

I've always believed a hairy hole

is the real window to the soul.

How is it looking down there?

Um, messy,

but magnificent.

Oh.

Leave me alone.

She's pissed off with me.

Iris, you okay, darling?

I'm never going back

to that school again.

Come out, bubba.

Iris, I was just trying to help.

- You made me look so stupid.

- What is it?

Told Ava's mom she was

a silly boring bitch.

She's going around telling everyone

that you're a whore.

And it's hurting Iris.

Someone had to tell

her to shut her mouth,

- They're laughing at you.

- I told you I was gonna do it.

Now you just made it worse.

If it were Florian Selby,

you would have wet yourself.

Yeah, but you're not him, are you?

Honey. Bubba.

Iris, I love you.

It's okay, baby. She's gone.

Come out.

Hey!

Hey.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

Pinky promise.

Pinky promise.

But wou would you ever lie to me?

Yeah, of course, I would, I love ya.

Are you angry?

You're really angry.

- Here.

- I am angry.

Then you'll be pleased

to know I'm leaving.

- Where are you going?

- Bruton bound.

- I leave now.

- Don't be a dickhead.

You can't just leave. You're on license.

They'll recall you back to prison.

No. Lucky for me, there's

damaged men everywhere.

- It's all been arranged.

- You can't you can't go.

She came here.

Did you see her?

Okay, that's it. We're gonna

go and see her right now,

- and put an end to this.

- No. I don't want to.

It's time. It's time

now to finally face her.

Look, I will. I will.

Just not today, yeah, please?

- Selby, just

- Okay.

You're not safe here.

No.

I know.

I've spent my whole

life running from her.

I don't I just

Come with me.

Come with me.

We could live

some kind of life.

You could write all day, I

could work. Can you imagine?

What about Iris?

She can I'll I'll adopt her.

I'll adopt her. She'll go

to a great f*cking school.

And I'll adopt her!

- This is insane.

- Hmm.

But we could, I could,

- we could, we could live

- If you

If that's what Iris would like,

I would love that,

obviously. Ask her. Ask her!

- Ask her, ask her, ask her.

- Okay.

Iris? Iris? Bubba?

- Is it a big house?

- Hmm.

Can we have like, AGAs and

can we get new rugs,

and can I go to a new

school, where nobody knows me?

Yes, bubba.

We're gonna start again.

It's all gonna be normal and all right.

Selby.

- Milady.

- Thank you.

Ah, thanking you.