01x01 - It's Hard to Be a Saint in the City

[bunniefuu]

Thing is, bubs, if you live an interesting life,

people always gonna be chasin' after you.

Just don't lose your sh*t, Mommy.

Oy! Language.

Do I look like someone who's

about to lose their sh*t?

Yeah, you do.

Can you open up, please?

Do they think we're

gangsters or something?

Costello Jones, we know

that you're in there.

Costello Jones, you owe the landlord

2,997 pounds and 98 pence!

Come on, Costello. Don't

make me get the drill out.

f*cking early, aren't we?

Should be illegal to ruin someone's life

before nine a.m. Pricks!

Ugh, Mom, you lost your sh*t.

All right, she's had her

chance, mate, let's go.

Call Selby.

He's looking after his sick mom.

- Aunty G?

- Oh, she's supposed to be here. Laptop, laptop.

I'll look after your

writing. They can't catch me.

Thank you, bubs.

Right, pass me Barrymore.

What are you listening to?

Good choice.

Relax chaps, you'll be w*nk*ng

yourself silly to this later.

Thank you.

Poverty p*rn at its finest!

Here you are, Mason. Books.

Get yourself an education.

Giving it the biggun now, are you?

Truth is, Selby, we both

know you cried every night.

Well, they locked me in a

cage and they called me savage,

doesn't mean that I have to be one

all the f*cking time.

Ah, don't forget, if it weren't for me,

- you'd have no assh*le left.

- Hmm

Put the money in my old

lady's account every Friday.

When I'm out, we'll settle the balance.

Don't make me come looking for you.

Goodbye, Mason.

I'd say it's been a pleasure.

But it's been a living hell.

You're the best bum boy

- in the world, Selby!

- Bye then, darling!

Enjoy your incarceration, boys.

- See you later, bub.

- I'm onto better things.

Yeah, f*ck off back to Eton.

Service wash, please,

mate. I'll collect tomorrow.

Oy! I told you last time.

This isn't the Big Yellow

Self-Storage Company.

Come on, Shady, look after my stuff.

- Please, please.

- Please.

Tomorrow morning,

- or they go in the bin.

- Thank you. Thank you.

Come on, we're going

to be late for school.

Thanks.

- I thought we had no money.

- Just follow me.

Ah, Cheyne Walk please, driver.

Allegra!

I'm back!

See that house?

Bet that one has a swimming pool.

Oh, and three French bulldogs.

Mm. With a personal puppy trainer.

Yeah.

And a grand piano, you know,

like a a big, white, glorious,

gay one.

You know, like Elton John would play.

- Oh, definitely.

- Can I have piano lessons soon?

I promise you, once we're sorted,

I'll get you some piano lessons.

Are you feeling sick?

I reckon you're gonna vomit.

Oh, darling, are you all right?

Um, excuse me, driver, I'm so sorry,

do you think we can pull over?

I think she's going to be sick.

Oh, sure, yeah, I'll

I'll pull over here.

Ugh, I'm so sorry.

Are you going to be sick?

- All right, get ready to run.

- I got it. I got it.

It's a twatty thing to do.

- Run! I'm not usually a prick.

- Hey! Oy!

What the f*ck are you

doing? Get back here!

- I promise. Well, sometimes I am.

- You cheating cow!

Oh, God.

- Right, love you.

- Love you.

- Don't die, I need you.

- You think I'd really die

and leave you all alone in the world?

Never. Never, never.

All right.

- We'll be all right.

- How do you know?

Well, as you know,

I'm very connected to the spirits,

and an old ghost is saying

that at five p.m., we'll

have a safe place to stay.

- All right.

- All right.

We will, though. Love you.

Gloria!

This is Gloria.

I don't listen to

voicemails. Text me, twat.

Silly f*cking bitch.

Young lady.

Young lady! What is your name?

- Do you even know?

- Gloria.

- My name's Gloria.

- Gloria?

I know you, Lenny, you old w*nk*r.

You're Costello's friend.

Uh-huh. f*ck.

Oh, my phone! Where am I?

You're in the West End of London.

- Theatreland, W1.

- I'm in so much trouble.

- Can I borrow your coat?

- Yeah.

Come on, let's get you another drink,

before the blues set in.

I missed you, did you miss me?

Yeah.

So, is your mom better now?

Much. Much better.

Oh! I think you, uh, dropped something.

You haven't seen me.

- Thanks.

- Okay.

I better go. Before I'm

mistaken for a nonce.

Ooh, posh crisps.

Who do you think you

are, the f*cking Queen?

And ten pounds cashback, please.

All right.

Heard you got kicked out this morning.

Why not try paying your

rent like the rest of us.

Got no shame, you.

Oh, do shut up, Nikki.

Yeah, card declined.

Why don't you just get

yourself a council place?

Oh, yeah, 'cause they're

giving them away, aren't they?

- Well, they are. If you're foreign.

- True.

He knows what I'm talking about.

Her and her kid got

evicted this morning.

Can you try the card again, please?

- All right.

- I feel for you, girl.

I was raised by a single mom myself.

It's tough out there.

Declined.

Two quid, darling.

Oh, darling, can you

check the milks over there?

All right, girl. Um, I can help.

I've got a studio flat

on the Millbank Estate.

I mean, it ain't a palace or nothing.

When's it available?

Now. You know, like, straightaway.

Uh, 11 Carbridge Gardens,

there's no deposit.

What's the rent?

Come and see it. Then we can

talk terms and conditions.

Terms and conditions

Oh, rent, whatever. I keep it caszh.

My treat. Enjoy.

- Hiya.

- Hi.

You take your p*ssy out and dance

Tuesday and Thursday, and that's it.

I don't want to see up your ass.

Please, Konstantin, I

really need the money.

Last week, you were a no-show.

You left me a girl down, remember?

Lolly, can I take your shift today?

No, sorry. Can't you

work on psychic webcam?

Please, Konstantin. You

know how hard I work.

Listen, don't sh*t in my mouth

and tell me it's a Big Mac.

Well, well, the bitch is back.

Where are you?

Sucking off old men, are we?

Times must be tough.

God, he's the spit of

our old English professor.

He said he was a six-foot-two

barista from Fitzrovia.

God, I've missed you.

Well, life's sh*t without me, isn't it?

I mean, things still happen,

they're just not as exciting.

How was it inside?

Hmm. Don't pretend to care.

Cheers.

But, since you asked, exhausting.

Oh, who'd have thought,

three meals a day

and all the cock you can

eat could become tiresome.

- How's the writing going?

- Great. Well, all right.

Good. Just a shame you couldn't write me

a f*cking letter, isn't

it? I was only there a year.

Well, consider it punishment

for f*cking up my life.

And anyway, you went

fully f*cking mental.

You almost b*at that bloke to death.

Does that mean we're

not best friends anymore?

Mm.

Suppose you need money.

- Can you lend me some?

- You mean give?

Well, Allegra stopped my

allowance when I was inside,

so until that's reinstated,

I don't have much

Oh, Allegra.

So, we're living back

with Mommy, are we?

What are you, like, five?

Well, at least my mommy

loves me. There you are.

Come on, she tolerates you. Thank you.

Oh, too slow! Go on then, take it.

- Thank you.

- Oh, sorry!

No, no, no. Go on, take it.

I'm serious, I'm serious.

Oh, sorry! Just take it.

- Just f*cking take it.

- Come on, stop being an assh*le!

Oh, God, and they say

I'm the violent one.

By the way, how are your family?

- Still dead.

- Mm.

They're just still very much

walking around, aren't they?

You know it's customary to

bury the dead, don't you?

Stay away from me and Iris.

Oh, but then everything

would be so dull, darling.

Selby?

Then the bathroom's in here.

Uh, shower and toilet, sink and that.

I haven't got a bath, unfortunately.

Yeah.

So, we could move in today?

Yeah, of course. Of course, yeah.

Yeah, but I I sleep here.

Uh, this is where you and

the little one will live.

It's a cupboard.

Yeah, you can put some fairy lights up

and that makes it proper little cozy.

Last mommy I helped

out stayed two years.

- What's the catch?

- Oh, no.

Listen, girl, I ain't gonna

make you sign no contract.

Rent free. Room's yours if you need it,

just do a bit of cleaning for me.

Okay.

I'll let you know.

- Thanks.

- All right.

- Bye.

- Okay. All right.

Welcome to the London and Southeast

Homelessness Helpline,

all our call operators

are busy right now.

If you are homeless or

about to be made homeless,

please register on our website at

Gloria?

Where the hell is she?

I thought the spirits were

gonna find us a place by five.

Yeah, well, that's the

problem with spirits,

they're as unreliable as the rest of us.

Now, I told you before,

never get between a man

and his mahjong.

You can't stay here.

I'm waiting for my washing.

Unmanned between nine

and six. Ain't safe.

You can get a B&B for,

like, 40 quid, you know.

Yeah, why didn't I think

of that? Come on, bubba.

You can't, it's Aunty G's. Mommy!

Okay. Aunty G won't mind.

Out the way.

Okay.

- You in?

- Yeah.

Come on.

This will be all right for a bit.

- Hmm.

- Aunty G will be back soon.

You got any homework?

- Yeah.

- Let's cr*ck on then.

Mahjong!

Up the stakes?

It hasn't been the

same here without you.

Too f*cking right.

I'm tired and a bit

scared. Can you call Selby?

I told you Selby is with his sick mommy.

No. She's better now. He came to school.

He asked me not to tell you.

One number two, two fours, four fives,

- a seven. How much is a nine?

- Fiver.

Another number seven.

I thought you had no money.

I mean, no wonder if you're

spunking it all on scratch cards.

All right, I need 40 quid for a B&B.

What else am I supposed to f*cking do?

Thank you, Nikki, that's

really kind, thank you.

No, no, don't fuss. Have

'em. They're disgusting.

We won. A tenner!

- Ooh!

- Ah.

- Ah, ten quid!

- Right.

That means we've got

20 quid, we go again.

Four nines.

One of these babies is

gonna land us in the Ritz.

Sweet dreams, bubba.

- Sorry for, um, calling so late.

- Of course, happy to help.

Just for the one night,

though. Thank you, Brett.

Yeah.

Sure you don't want anything stronger?

Oh, no.

Here, put this on.

Terms and conditions apply.

Just this, nothing else?

Yeah 'course, I'm not a pervert.

You do a good f*cking impression of one.

Here, the last mommy here,

she had an eating disorder,

so the nighty might be a bit tight-y.

Hurry up.

Here, come on. I need to see you.

Oh, it's lovely.

Just like one of those wrestlers

from the 90s. I like that a lot.

Oh.

All right, don't worry.

You're not fat or nothing.

You just got a food

bank body, that's all.

What the f*ck's that?

You know

lots of carbs.

I prefer kissing over penetration.

W What's wrong with

it? What's wrong with it?

Right, nothing comes for free, babe.

Oh, uh, hi, Selby,

I've somehow found myself

trapped in a pervert's cupboard.

Can you come get us? We're

on the Millbank Estate,

11 Carbridge Gardens. And hurry. Please.

Now that That's

Mahjong, m*therf*ckers.

You're gonna have to come out some time.

Hello, darling.

He prefers kissing over penetration.

Ooh, does he?

Me, too.

- You entitled little bitch.

- Get Iris.

Hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

C'mon.

The f*ck were you thinking?

We had nowhere else to go!

No.

Or you'll end up back in

prison with the butch boys.

Ah.

Enough of this sh*t show.

Hello, beauty.

Okay, we're off. C'mon.

I need to close your eyes

until you feel the fresh

air on your cheeks, okay?

Yeah.

"f*cking entitled"?

How much do you owe the landlord?

Three grand.

Whoa! Mom, it's empty.

Sort it tomorrow.

Give me your phone, I'm

putting a tracker on it.

Iris, come say goodbye

to Selby, he's leaving.

Love you, Costello.

And I love you too, Selby.

Now f*ck off and die.

I can't do that, can I? Okay, bye-bye.

We're family.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

I bet that house we saw this morning

- has got a king-size bed.

- And goose down duvets.

- And like 200 Le Creuset pans.

- Yeah.

Oh, wow.

A hundred days.

- Hundred days.

- Does it feel like it?

Yes.

And I'll be your little

reminder every time.

- To not drink

- To not drink wine.

I'm really proud of you, Mommy.

Can you open the door, please?

Costello! Costello Jones.

Look, we know you're in there.

What the f*ck are you looking at?