02x10 - The Truth Hurts
Posted: 03/18/23 18:29
(male narrator)
Coming up..
We're finally gonna get
Joe Gatto!
(male narrator)
What will Joe find
behind door number one?
(female # )
'Joey!'
(male narrator)
Sal reveals what he does
when he's hungry.
You're all hopped up on sugar
you make a pass
at your best friend
then you end up, like,
shaving each other.
What?
(male narrator)
Murr has a touching encounter.
You're doing too much
of that touching [bleep].
(male narrator)
And later..
(male # )
'The polygraph exam
is gonna begin.'
Did you have a crush
on one your
high-school Spanish teachers?
(male narrator)
The guys crown their Homecoming
king of the losers..
[crowd chants]
Loser!
...in our most-outrageous
punishment ever.
That's a lie.
[laughter]
Today we're interviewing
house-sitters
to watch our place
while we go on vacation.
But it won't be easy,
because we've hidden
a lot of strange surprises
for each other.
No matter how odd the apartment
we'll have to do
our best to explain ourselves
out of the weirdness.
If you can't get someone to
agree to house-sit, you lose.
Come on in. Let me show you
around the place.
Make yourself comfortable.
Uh, so, kitchen..
Uh, living room. You can
feel free to use the TVs.
I have cable TV on the,
on the TVs, so..
- 'Quit stalling, Murr.'
- Uh, bedroom through here.
- Here comes the bedroom!
- And, uh..
[laughter]
This is, this is my bedroom.
It's the fairy tale kingdom.
This is my fairy tale kingdom.
- I'm the princess.
- Um, I'm the princess here.
On my bed, I've got
some stuffed animals.
The best way to cuddle them
is to be
dressed like a princess
when you do it.
The best way to cuddle them
is to be dressed
like a princess when you do it.
So, let me show you
how that's done.
'Go grab that tutu.'
So, what I do is I..
Each day, I-I put this on.
(Q)
'Uh, yeah, slip that on.'
[laughter]
It doesn't sound too crazy.
I have a daughter.
- You have a daughter?
- I don't!
I don't.
I don't.
(Q)
'Murr, do a little leap
in place, then head outside.'
- Okay? Let's go chat, okay?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Take your jacket off.
Take your jacket off.
So, you, you want to be
my house-sitter?
Yeah, I don't think
it'd be a problem.
- It's a pleasure.
- 'Oh, my God!'
- This is gonna be great.
- He's just saying anything.
To get out of the apartment with
his skin still on.
[laughter]
(Sal)
'Who's gonna house-sit
for a guy that looks homeless?'
- This is my place.
- Oh, it's lovely.
This is what I-I need someone
to look after for me.
- Okay.
- Here's the kitchen.
- Let's check out the bedroom.
- Let me show you the bedroom.
[animals howling]
- Oh, these are..
- Your little pets?
(Murr)
'Go ahead, Q.
Show her your friends.'
(Q)
'You know, we got the fox.'
'Uh, those are a lot
of baby ducks right there.'
This is a baby duck dressed
like a-a Unabomber there.
[laughter]
Are you okay with petting
dead things?
Um...how do you feel
about petting dead things?
- Is that gonna be a problem?
- Do I have to?
Do you have to? I sure hope not.
- Yeah, she does.
- But of course, you do, yes.
At least once a day, I'm gonna
need you to pet my armadillo.
[laughter]
So, alright, let me just,
we'll just..
We'll just ask a
couple of questions.
It'll be great. Have a seat.
Don't touch the closet,
even if you hear scratching.
Oh, no, no, no. I mean,
I've got a huge closet.
If you hear scratching,
don't open it.
It's only because sometimes
I get mice in here.
(Murr)
'And I haven't taxidermied them
all yet.'
And I haven't taxidermied
them all yet.
[laughter]
Anyway, so, you wanna house-sit?
Anyway, uh, do you think you'd
wanna just house-sit for me?
- No. No, thank you.
- No?
[laughter]
Yes!
Let's see if you can convince
this guy to house-sit for you.
Just need someone
to watch the place.
I've done it a few times before.
I'm very particular about
how clean I am.
The only thing about me
is that I'm very clean.
Take some spray disinfectant
from the counter there.
'Start spraying it everywhere
like'
'the germaphobe
you are, buddy.'
The thing is that I grew up
with a bad immune system
so it's, like, a couple minor
precautionary measures
on my part.
(Q)
'Keep spraying, keep spraying,
never stop spraying.'
Keep spraying.
This one spot's k*lling me.
[laughter]
'Go pay the bedroom a visit.'
(Joe)
'I can't wait till Sal
sees this.'
The bathroom's here,
and then the..
[laughter]
- 'There's a baby!'
- 'There's a baby!'
That's a baby.
I keep the baby in this room.
Uh, baby is well-behaved.
It's a well-behaved baby.
Very low-maintenance.
Every couple of days,
I just give him
a little more milk.
[pants]
He's good. Let's go.
[laughter]
Have a seat.
I'm telling you,
he's low-maintenance.
Sal, go over and put
the mask and gloves on.
Give me one second.
Just wanna put this on.
You can never be too safe,
especially if we're
talking face to face here.
So, do you think that you might
be able to house-sit?
- Would you want to house-sit?
- 'No way. No way.'
Sure, I can take care
of a baby.
Yes? Yes!
Were you waiting long or..
Well, it's been a bit,
but that's okay.
- Sorry. Appreciate it.
- 'We are about to destroy him.'
He's never gonna
see this comin'.
- 'He can't deal with this.'
- The place has central air.
There's Wi-Fi, you know?
I got the Wi-Fi set up.
'Uh, cable, of course.'
Yeah, Joe, why don't you
turn on the TV
and show him
all the channels you have?
Got the..
That's my downstairs neighbor.
Um, so, uh..
Yeah, there's Wi-Fi,
I mentioned.
Um..
Well, I have surveillance all
throughout the house, you know?
But I have the whole house
secured
so you'll have eyes everywhere.
You know, it's all set, so..
This is the bedroom. Come on in.
We're finally gonna get
Joe Gatto!
So, this is..
(female # )
'Joey!'
This is the bedroom. Come on in.
We're finally gonna get
Joe Gatto!
So, this is..
(female # )
'Joey!'
[laughter]
Uh.. I'll, uh..
Uh, no, sh-sh-she..
[laughter]
Uh, this is not the gentleman
that will be joining us.
I mean, unless he's game, I
don't know if you're interested.
Thanks. So, uh, yeah.
[laughter]
Yeah.
I can't believe he's still
in there.
It's been a long time.
[stammers]
I just zone it out, so..
So, do you think you'd wanna be
my house-sitter or..
Yeah? Awesome. Okay.
Thanks, bud.
You have a great night.
[laughter]
What the [bleep]!
[laughter]
(male narrator)
Q is the only one who couldn't
land a house-sitter
so he's sitting alone
on the loser board.
You gotta help us! We're lost!
We'll be asking strangers
to give us
directions to a place
that doesn't exist.
The other guys will be
describing the details
of this place by holding up
cue cards.
If you can't get a stranger to
give you directions
to this made-up place,
you lose.
(male narrator)
It's a Joker versus Joker
challenge.
Excuse me. I'm a little lost.
Do you think you might be
able to help me out?
I'm looking for,
it's a restaurant.
It's like Taco Bell,
but a lot more "Chinesey."
I'm trying to find, uh..
That massage parlor that knows
how to keep a secret.
Have you heard of that one?
Excuse me, miss?
I'm looking for, um..
I know it's around here
somewhere.
[stammers]
It's like Home Depot.
But it's for pasta.
Pasta Home Depot?
Yeah, it's like that. It's..
It's..
It's near that bar with the
B.Y.O Shrimp.
With the bring-your-own shrimp.
[laughter]
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, I got to get there
in a half-hour because, uh..
'Because, uh, my, uh..'
My genitalia is gonna
turn into a pumpkin.
[laughter]
- You better get there soon.
- Do you know where to go?
Oh! Right there?
Oh, the Home Depot..
Thank you, me and my pumpkin
genetalia, w-we-we thank you.
- 'Sal, we're ready, buddy.'
- Are you from this area?
- Yes.
- I'm looking for..
The place where..
I'm looking for the place
where Ed Koch
got a splotch on his crotch.
[laughter]
Okay, well, I know it's near.
I know it's near.
It's near Michael Dukakis'
bachelor pad.
You know what I'm talking about?
I got to get there
within a half-hour.
I, uh.. I gotta find Waldo.
[laughing]
Oh!
Yeah, I don't know
where he is.
If she's ever heard of it, yeah.
I cannot believe
this is happening.
We have made this happen.
Not that Waldo.
The one from "Where's Waldo?"
Oh, we're talking
about the same Waldo.
- No idea?
- No idea.
(Joe)
'No! She doesn't know.'
(male narrator)
Sal's lost when it comes
to getting directions
but he found his way
onto the loser board.
We are at the Compare Foods
in Brooklyn and we are
making up words.
The other guys will give us
a completely weird-sounding
made-up word that we
have to make sense of.
If you can't get the customer
to admit
they know what you're
talking about, you lose.
Oh, where did they put it?
Joe, "Dwimplepeen."
- 'Dwimplepeen?'
- 'Dwimplepeen.'
Are you making a-a hot dish?
Yeah, I remember that.
[stammers]
I had one of the hottest dishes
I ever had in my first
dwimplepeen.
You ever been in a dwimplepeen?
It's an event where, uh,
you know
when a-a young kid
turns years old
and they get older, everybody
throws confetti at 'em?
They all spin them in a circle
and they sing, uh,
the dwimplepeen song.
- How's that go?
- You know, it's like..
♪ Kingle kingle dwimplepeen ♪
♪ You made it to ♪
♪ Twingle kingle dwimplepeen ♪
♪ Hey now ♪♪
So, y-you ever attend
a dwimplepeen?
Did you ever go to one of those?
No. Yeah.
You've heard of it, though.
Yeah, yeah.
You've heard of a dwimplepeen..
(Joe)
'I hope you brought
your A Game, Sal.'
- You got one?
- You know you're in trouble.
Q's already giggling.
I got a whole bunch
of new cafafees.
I'm supposed to feed them..
You know cafafee?
- I don't--
- It's a pet fish..
But, like, they recognize
the alphabet.
I got a jampaloon coming up, and
I need some freeze-dried fruit.
- You know a-a jampaloon?
- No.
It's a, it's when you go
on a road-trip
with nothing but a puppet
but you force-feed him
real food.
- With a what?
- Goofdookie.
[laughter]
Get all up with the goofdookie.
Excuse me. Do you know if
there's a beer section in here?
Right on that side?
Okay, cool.
I just got to buy some
for my buddy.
[chuckles]
I totally goofdookied him
the other day
and I just feel like,
uh, buy him
a six-pack and smooth it over.
Cool. Cool.
You know, like, uh, you ever
goofdookie anybody?
I just feel bad about it.
Yeah. It's, like, on Halloween,
you have a lot of candy.
You get all hopped up on sugar
you make a pass
at your best friend
then you end up,
like, shaving each other.
[laughter]
Yeah, good times. Yeah.
It was, like, awkward.
I didn't want to talk about it,
so I figured I'll get him
a case of beer.
I'll smooth it over, right?
You ever goofdookie, uh,
anybody?
But you've heard of goofdookie?
Oh, yeah! He's heard of it.
"Now get away from me."
Take it easy, alright. Thanks.
Why are you eating?
Everything he does gets to me.
Just the way he chews and then
talks through the chew.
Oh, dude, don't even
get me started. I live with it.
- 'Murr.'
- Yeah?
- 'Hear that?'
- 'Listen to his gums.'
What?
So, it's short and sweet, baby.
Twolini.
- Hmm?
- 'Not Onelini.'
Twolini.
Do you know if these
are any good?
It's, like, pretty expensive.
Is it good for, uh, for
helping twolini?
'Cause I got a, I got a really
bad case of twolini right now.
Twolini, it's where..
It's where you go
to your grandfather's wake
you drink too much absinthe
and then you can't
stand up straight for a week
afterwards.
Oh, he doesn't know
about twolini.
You've never heard
of that before?
- Are you serious?
- 'He's never heard of twolini.'
Do you still, are your
grandparents still alive?
Oh, that explains it, then.
- Q, your word is Pergurt.
- Yeah.
- Pergurt!
- 'Pergurt.'
Yeah, that's right. Pergurt.
- P-E-R..
- Gurt.
(Murr)
'Here you go, this guy.'
Excuse me.
You think this would be good
to-to
serve at a-a, uh, pergurt?
Yeah? You think
it's-it's about right?
You know what a pergurt is?
Like when you sky dive with
a pocket of noodles
on the Sabbath and you land
and you celebrate?
[laughter]
(Sal)
'He's gone! Gone!'
I would just like to point out
that he did say
he knew what a pergurt is.
He pulled the rip cord
on that one.
[laughing]
He did his own pergurt.
Got the pergurt strut
going on here.
(male narrator)
Turns out Murr doesn't have
a way with words.
making it a three-way tie
for last.
Coming up, tonight's loser
is forced
to reveal his darkest secrets..
Have you ever been somewhat
intimate with a stuffed animal?
[laughter]
...in our most outrageous
punishment ever.
So far, we've had to do and say
whatever we're told.
That, my friends,
is all about change.
Today we get to pick
our own poison.
That's right, we've created
two completely different
and nearly impossible challenges
for each other to choose from.
If you don't complete the
challenge you choose, you lose!
(male narrator)
It's a Joker versus
Joker challenge.
Here you go. Two choices.
I've been waiting for this one.
Pick your poison, buddy.
"Pick someone's nose."
- A nose-themed one.
- Of course, a nose theme.
That's actually a favor.
For who?
"Talk a woman out of her bra."
There you go, buddy.
Get in there.
- We gave you the sexy one.
- That's impossible.
Picking someone's nose is gross.
Talking a woman out of her bra
is near impossible.
I'm gonna go gross
over a near-impossible.
- Oh!
- Alright.
How do you talk your finger
up inside someone's nose?
- It's-it's impossible.
- Here he goes.
Wow. It's gorgeous out, huh?
Inside right now,
he's on that bench knowing
the next thing he has to do..
Is put a finger
in a stranger's nose.
You're having lunch out in the
park? It's a good place to eat.
He's not gonna do it.
There's no way he's doing it.
Oh, you, uh, you got a little
something.
- Yeah, you..
- 'Oh, oh..'
- Yeah, yeah.
- 'Oh! Oh!'
- No, no, no.
- No, yeah, it's right..
- Ohh!
- It's right up there.
- I got you. I'll help out.
- I could see.
[laughter]
Oh, that's gross!
It's a feeling of success.
[all groan]
- Oh, yeah!
- Here we go, Murr.
Pick your poison!
"Give a huge guy a wet Willie."
- Easy. Easy.
- Yeah, easy.
Aah!
"Squeeze a guy's butt with both
hands for five seconds."
[laughter]
This doesn't say
a huge guy's butt.
I could go for a small guy.
You might get
a second date out of it.
We don't even know.
You might be able to wet Willie
a guy on just general
wet Willie rules.
Yeah. Like, wet Willie! Ha-ha!
Got ya!
I've made my choice,
I am going to
squeeze a man's butt
for five full seconds.
I don't even know how
to work my way into this.
There's nobody into getting
their ass grabbed
randomly in the park,
you're right about that, buddy.
Are those the.. These are the
Adidas pants that they sell?
- It's a whole sweat suit.
- Do you mind if I..
- Nah, go ahead.
- 'Murray's gonna get k*lled.'
Why is he letting him
do this to him?
The waistband is great.
They come around.
They fit real nice and concord
in the back, too.
- He's doing it right now.
- 'Here he goes!'
- Right here.
- 'He's got contact.'
'Two, three..'
Yeah, alright,
you're doing too much of that
touching [bleep]
they're nice pants.
They're great pants, man.
That is a thumbs..
(all)
Down!
(male narrator)
Murr bottomed out, making him
tonight's big loser.
Come on, guys. What is..
I'm not singing anything.
No, it's much, much worse
than singing, pal.
- Let's go, Murray.
- Here you go, bud.
- You got it.
- Just keep walking straight.
Sit right here.
How you feelin'?
We're just gonna hook you up
to this machine.
- Machine? What machine?
- Stay there.
We are at Monsignor Farrell
High School on Staten Island
where we all met, for
the ultimate punishment.
Yeah, we're gonna hook
Murray up to a lie detector
'in front of
the entire student body'
'faculty, staff, priests, nuns.'
We're all set. And there you go.
- You got that?
- Lie detector test.
- Oh, my God!
- No, don't worry.
We wrote the questions.
- No mercy. No mercy.
- Welcome to your polygraph.
Alright, so, the polygraph
exam is gonna begin.
- Is your name James Murray?
- Ye-yes.
That's the only one
he's gonna get right.
Do you wax your back?
[laughter]
(male # )
'Whoo!'
Alright, so, the polygraph exam
is gonna begin.
Do you wax your back?
[laughter]
- 'Answer it!'
- Yeah!
Yes.
[laughter]
- That's the truth.
- The truth shall set you free!
Did you ever lie to a priest
during a confession?
[laughter]
Yes, I.. Yes. Yes.
- 'Whoo!'
- You're a bad person.
That answer is true.
Do you secretly enjoy boy bands?
No.
That's a lie.
[laughter]
(Sal)
'Busted!'
Did you have a crush
on one of your
high-school Spanish teachers,
Mrs. Lanza?
[crowd cheers]
Oh, my God, there she is!
Si.
[laughter]
By the way, your ex-girlfriend
Tara is here. Say hello.
Oh, my God!
[laughter]
Answering truthfully, have you
ever cheated on Tara?
Oh!
[crowd cheers]
No, I have not.
[crowd cheers]
- That's a lie.
- I'm so sorry.
(Joe)
'No, you're not!'
Have you ever tried your
girlfriend's underwear on?
Yes, but there's a-a good
explanation for it.
That's the truth.
This is what we got on Murray.
This is the big one.
No one knows about this story
except us.
Have you ever been somewhat
intimate with a stuffed animal?
[crowd gasps]
I'm gonna k*ll you guys.
No.
That's a lie.
[laughter]
- 'Dirty dog.'
- Last question.
- Does it suck to be a loser?
- Yes, it does.
[crowd cheers]
That is how you punish someone!
Happy Homecoming.
It was good work.
[crowd chanting]
Loser! Loser! Loser!
Coming up..
We're finally gonna get
Joe Gatto!
(male narrator)
What will Joe find
behind door number one?
(female # )
'Joey!'
(male narrator)
Sal reveals what he does
when he's hungry.
You're all hopped up on sugar
you make a pass
at your best friend
then you end up, like,
shaving each other.
What?
(male narrator)
Murr has a touching encounter.
You're doing too much
of that touching [bleep].
(male narrator)
And later..
(male # )
'The polygraph exam
is gonna begin.'
Did you have a crush
on one your
high-school Spanish teachers?
(male narrator)
The guys crown their Homecoming
king of the losers..
[crowd chants]
Loser!
...in our most-outrageous
punishment ever.
That's a lie.
[laughter]
Today we're interviewing
house-sitters
to watch our place
while we go on vacation.
But it won't be easy,
because we've hidden
a lot of strange surprises
for each other.
No matter how odd the apartment
we'll have to do
our best to explain ourselves
out of the weirdness.
If you can't get someone to
agree to house-sit, you lose.
Come on in. Let me show you
around the place.
Make yourself comfortable.
Uh, so, kitchen..
Uh, living room. You can
feel free to use the TVs.
I have cable TV on the,
on the TVs, so..
- 'Quit stalling, Murr.'
- Uh, bedroom through here.
- Here comes the bedroom!
- And, uh..
[laughter]
This is, this is my bedroom.
It's the fairy tale kingdom.
This is my fairy tale kingdom.
- I'm the princess.
- Um, I'm the princess here.
On my bed, I've got
some stuffed animals.
The best way to cuddle them
is to be
dressed like a princess
when you do it.
The best way to cuddle them
is to be dressed
like a princess when you do it.
So, let me show you
how that's done.
'Go grab that tutu.'
So, what I do is I..
Each day, I-I put this on.
(Q)
'Uh, yeah, slip that on.'
[laughter]
It doesn't sound too crazy.
I have a daughter.
- You have a daughter?
- I don't!
I don't.
I don't.
(Q)
'Murr, do a little leap
in place, then head outside.'
- Okay? Let's go chat, okay?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Take your jacket off.
Take your jacket off.
So, you, you want to be
my house-sitter?
Yeah, I don't think
it'd be a problem.
- It's a pleasure.
- 'Oh, my God!'
- This is gonna be great.
- He's just saying anything.
To get out of the apartment with
his skin still on.
[laughter]
(Sal)
'Who's gonna house-sit
for a guy that looks homeless?'
- This is my place.
- Oh, it's lovely.
This is what I-I need someone
to look after for me.
- Okay.
- Here's the kitchen.
- Let's check out the bedroom.
- Let me show you the bedroom.
[animals howling]
- Oh, these are..
- Your little pets?
(Murr)
'Go ahead, Q.
Show her your friends.'
(Q)
'You know, we got the fox.'
'Uh, those are a lot
of baby ducks right there.'
This is a baby duck dressed
like a-a Unabomber there.
[laughter]
Are you okay with petting
dead things?
Um...how do you feel
about petting dead things?
- Is that gonna be a problem?
- Do I have to?
Do you have to? I sure hope not.
- Yeah, she does.
- But of course, you do, yes.
At least once a day, I'm gonna
need you to pet my armadillo.
[laughter]
So, alright, let me just,
we'll just..
We'll just ask a
couple of questions.
It'll be great. Have a seat.
Don't touch the closet,
even if you hear scratching.
Oh, no, no, no. I mean,
I've got a huge closet.
If you hear scratching,
don't open it.
It's only because sometimes
I get mice in here.
(Murr)
'And I haven't taxidermied them
all yet.'
And I haven't taxidermied
them all yet.
[laughter]
Anyway, so, you wanna house-sit?
Anyway, uh, do you think you'd
wanna just house-sit for me?
- No. No, thank you.
- No?
[laughter]
Yes!
Let's see if you can convince
this guy to house-sit for you.
Just need someone
to watch the place.
I've done it a few times before.
I'm very particular about
how clean I am.
The only thing about me
is that I'm very clean.
Take some spray disinfectant
from the counter there.
'Start spraying it everywhere
like'
'the germaphobe
you are, buddy.'
The thing is that I grew up
with a bad immune system
so it's, like, a couple minor
precautionary measures
on my part.
(Q)
'Keep spraying, keep spraying,
never stop spraying.'
Keep spraying.
This one spot's k*lling me.
[laughter]
'Go pay the bedroom a visit.'
(Joe)
'I can't wait till Sal
sees this.'
The bathroom's here,
and then the..
[laughter]
- 'There's a baby!'
- 'There's a baby!'
That's a baby.
I keep the baby in this room.
Uh, baby is well-behaved.
It's a well-behaved baby.
Very low-maintenance.
Every couple of days,
I just give him
a little more milk.
[pants]
He's good. Let's go.
[laughter]
Have a seat.
I'm telling you,
he's low-maintenance.
Sal, go over and put
the mask and gloves on.
Give me one second.
Just wanna put this on.
You can never be too safe,
especially if we're
talking face to face here.
So, do you think that you might
be able to house-sit?
- Would you want to house-sit?
- 'No way. No way.'
Sure, I can take care
of a baby.
Yes? Yes!
Were you waiting long or..
Well, it's been a bit,
but that's okay.
- Sorry. Appreciate it.
- 'We are about to destroy him.'
He's never gonna
see this comin'.
- 'He can't deal with this.'
- The place has central air.
There's Wi-Fi, you know?
I got the Wi-Fi set up.
'Uh, cable, of course.'
Yeah, Joe, why don't you
turn on the TV
and show him
all the channels you have?
Got the..
That's my downstairs neighbor.
Um, so, uh..
Yeah, there's Wi-Fi,
I mentioned.
Um..
Well, I have surveillance all
throughout the house, you know?
But I have the whole house
secured
so you'll have eyes everywhere.
You know, it's all set, so..
This is the bedroom. Come on in.
We're finally gonna get
Joe Gatto!
So, this is..
(female # )
'Joey!'
This is the bedroom. Come on in.
We're finally gonna get
Joe Gatto!
So, this is..
(female # )
'Joey!'
[laughter]
Uh.. I'll, uh..
Uh, no, sh-sh-she..
[laughter]
Uh, this is not the gentleman
that will be joining us.
I mean, unless he's game, I
don't know if you're interested.
Thanks. So, uh, yeah.
[laughter]
Yeah.
I can't believe he's still
in there.
It's been a long time.
[stammers]
I just zone it out, so..
So, do you think you'd wanna be
my house-sitter or..
Yeah? Awesome. Okay.
Thanks, bud.
You have a great night.
[laughter]
What the [bleep]!
[laughter]
(male narrator)
Q is the only one who couldn't
land a house-sitter
so he's sitting alone
on the loser board.
You gotta help us! We're lost!
We'll be asking strangers
to give us
directions to a place
that doesn't exist.
The other guys will be
describing the details
of this place by holding up
cue cards.
If you can't get a stranger to
give you directions
to this made-up place,
you lose.
(male narrator)
It's a Joker versus Joker
challenge.
Excuse me. I'm a little lost.
Do you think you might be
able to help me out?
I'm looking for,
it's a restaurant.
It's like Taco Bell,
but a lot more "Chinesey."
I'm trying to find, uh..
That massage parlor that knows
how to keep a secret.
Have you heard of that one?
Excuse me, miss?
I'm looking for, um..
I know it's around here
somewhere.
[stammers]
It's like Home Depot.
But it's for pasta.
Pasta Home Depot?
Yeah, it's like that. It's..
It's..
It's near that bar with the
B.Y.O Shrimp.
With the bring-your-own shrimp.
[laughter]
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, I got to get there
in a half-hour because, uh..
'Because, uh, my, uh..'
My genitalia is gonna
turn into a pumpkin.
[laughter]
- You better get there soon.
- Do you know where to go?
Oh! Right there?
Oh, the Home Depot..
Thank you, me and my pumpkin
genetalia, w-we-we thank you.
- 'Sal, we're ready, buddy.'
- Are you from this area?
- Yes.
- I'm looking for..
The place where..
I'm looking for the place
where Ed Koch
got a splotch on his crotch.
[laughter]
Okay, well, I know it's near.
I know it's near.
It's near Michael Dukakis'
bachelor pad.
You know what I'm talking about?
I got to get there
within a half-hour.
I, uh.. I gotta find Waldo.
[laughing]
Oh!
Yeah, I don't know
where he is.
If she's ever heard of it, yeah.
I cannot believe
this is happening.
We have made this happen.
Not that Waldo.
The one from "Where's Waldo?"
Oh, we're talking
about the same Waldo.
- No idea?
- No idea.
(Joe)
'No! She doesn't know.'
(male narrator)
Sal's lost when it comes
to getting directions
but he found his way
onto the loser board.
We are at the Compare Foods
in Brooklyn and we are
making up words.
The other guys will give us
a completely weird-sounding
made-up word that we
have to make sense of.
If you can't get the customer
to admit
they know what you're
talking about, you lose.
Oh, where did they put it?
Joe, "Dwimplepeen."
- 'Dwimplepeen?'
- 'Dwimplepeen.'
Are you making a-a hot dish?
Yeah, I remember that.
[stammers]
I had one of the hottest dishes
I ever had in my first
dwimplepeen.
You ever been in a dwimplepeen?
It's an event where, uh,
you know
when a-a young kid
turns years old
and they get older, everybody
throws confetti at 'em?
They all spin them in a circle
and they sing, uh,
the dwimplepeen song.
- How's that go?
- You know, it's like..
♪ Kingle kingle dwimplepeen ♪
♪ You made it to ♪
♪ Twingle kingle dwimplepeen ♪
♪ Hey now ♪♪
So, y-you ever attend
a dwimplepeen?
Did you ever go to one of those?
No. Yeah.
You've heard of it, though.
Yeah, yeah.
You've heard of a dwimplepeen..
(Joe)
'I hope you brought
your A Game, Sal.'
- You got one?
- You know you're in trouble.
Q's already giggling.
I got a whole bunch
of new cafafees.
I'm supposed to feed them..
You know cafafee?
- I don't--
- It's a pet fish..
But, like, they recognize
the alphabet.
I got a jampaloon coming up, and
I need some freeze-dried fruit.
- You know a-a jampaloon?
- No.
It's a, it's when you go
on a road-trip
with nothing but a puppet
but you force-feed him
real food.
- With a what?
- Goofdookie.
[laughter]
Get all up with the goofdookie.
Excuse me. Do you know if
there's a beer section in here?
Right on that side?
Okay, cool.
I just got to buy some
for my buddy.
[chuckles]
I totally goofdookied him
the other day
and I just feel like,
uh, buy him
a six-pack and smooth it over.
Cool. Cool.
You know, like, uh, you ever
goofdookie anybody?
I just feel bad about it.
Yeah. It's, like, on Halloween,
you have a lot of candy.
You get all hopped up on sugar
you make a pass
at your best friend
then you end up,
like, shaving each other.
[laughter]
Yeah, good times. Yeah.
It was, like, awkward.
I didn't want to talk about it,
so I figured I'll get him
a case of beer.
I'll smooth it over, right?
You ever goofdookie, uh,
anybody?
But you've heard of goofdookie?
Oh, yeah! He's heard of it.
"Now get away from me."
Take it easy, alright. Thanks.
Why are you eating?
Everything he does gets to me.
Just the way he chews and then
talks through the chew.
Oh, dude, don't even
get me started. I live with it.
- 'Murr.'
- Yeah?
- 'Hear that?'
- 'Listen to his gums.'
What?
So, it's short and sweet, baby.
Twolini.
- Hmm?
- 'Not Onelini.'
Twolini.
Do you know if these
are any good?
It's, like, pretty expensive.
Is it good for, uh, for
helping twolini?
'Cause I got a, I got a really
bad case of twolini right now.
Twolini, it's where..
It's where you go
to your grandfather's wake
you drink too much absinthe
and then you can't
stand up straight for a week
afterwards.
Oh, he doesn't know
about twolini.
You've never heard
of that before?
- Are you serious?
- 'He's never heard of twolini.'
Do you still, are your
grandparents still alive?
Oh, that explains it, then.
- Q, your word is Pergurt.
- Yeah.
- Pergurt!
- 'Pergurt.'
Yeah, that's right. Pergurt.
- P-E-R..
- Gurt.
(Murr)
'Here you go, this guy.'
Excuse me.
You think this would be good
to-to
serve at a-a, uh, pergurt?
Yeah? You think
it's-it's about right?
You know what a pergurt is?
Like when you sky dive with
a pocket of noodles
on the Sabbath and you land
and you celebrate?
[laughter]
(Sal)
'He's gone! Gone!'
I would just like to point out
that he did say
he knew what a pergurt is.
He pulled the rip cord
on that one.
[laughing]
He did his own pergurt.
Got the pergurt strut
going on here.
(male narrator)
Turns out Murr doesn't have
a way with words.
making it a three-way tie
for last.
Coming up, tonight's loser
is forced
to reveal his darkest secrets..
Have you ever been somewhat
intimate with a stuffed animal?
[laughter]
...in our most outrageous
punishment ever.
So far, we've had to do and say
whatever we're told.
That, my friends,
is all about change.
Today we get to pick
our own poison.
That's right, we've created
two completely different
and nearly impossible challenges
for each other to choose from.
If you don't complete the
challenge you choose, you lose!
(male narrator)
It's a Joker versus
Joker challenge.
Here you go. Two choices.
I've been waiting for this one.
Pick your poison, buddy.
"Pick someone's nose."
- A nose-themed one.
- Of course, a nose theme.
That's actually a favor.
For who?
"Talk a woman out of her bra."
There you go, buddy.
Get in there.
- We gave you the sexy one.
- That's impossible.
Picking someone's nose is gross.
Talking a woman out of her bra
is near impossible.
I'm gonna go gross
over a near-impossible.
- Oh!
- Alright.
How do you talk your finger
up inside someone's nose?
- It's-it's impossible.
- Here he goes.
Wow. It's gorgeous out, huh?
Inside right now,
he's on that bench knowing
the next thing he has to do..
Is put a finger
in a stranger's nose.
You're having lunch out in the
park? It's a good place to eat.
He's not gonna do it.
There's no way he's doing it.
Oh, you, uh, you got a little
something.
- Yeah, you..
- 'Oh, oh..'
- Yeah, yeah.
- 'Oh! Oh!'
- No, no, no.
- No, yeah, it's right..
- Ohh!
- It's right up there.
- I got you. I'll help out.
- I could see.
[laughter]
Oh, that's gross!
It's a feeling of success.
[all groan]
- Oh, yeah!
- Here we go, Murr.
Pick your poison!
"Give a huge guy a wet Willie."
- Easy. Easy.
- Yeah, easy.
Aah!
"Squeeze a guy's butt with both
hands for five seconds."
[laughter]
This doesn't say
a huge guy's butt.
I could go for a small guy.
You might get
a second date out of it.
We don't even know.
You might be able to wet Willie
a guy on just general
wet Willie rules.
Yeah. Like, wet Willie! Ha-ha!
Got ya!
I've made my choice,
I am going to
squeeze a man's butt
for five full seconds.
I don't even know how
to work my way into this.
There's nobody into getting
their ass grabbed
randomly in the park,
you're right about that, buddy.
Are those the.. These are the
Adidas pants that they sell?
- It's a whole sweat suit.
- Do you mind if I..
- Nah, go ahead.
- 'Murray's gonna get k*lled.'
Why is he letting him
do this to him?
The waistband is great.
They come around.
They fit real nice and concord
in the back, too.
- He's doing it right now.
- 'Here he goes!'
- Right here.
- 'He's got contact.'
'Two, three..'
Yeah, alright,
you're doing too much of that
touching [bleep]
they're nice pants.
They're great pants, man.
That is a thumbs..
(all)
Down!
(male narrator)
Murr bottomed out, making him
tonight's big loser.
Come on, guys. What is..
I'm not singing anything.
No, it's much, much worse
than singing, pal.
- Let's go, Murray.
- Here you go, bud.
- You got it.
- Just keep walking straight.
Sit right here.
How you feelin'?
We're just gonna hook you up
to this machine.
- Machine? What machine?
- Stay there.
We are at Monsignor Farrell
High School on Staten Island
where we all met, for
the ultimate punishment.
Yeah, we're gonna hook
Murray up to a lie detector
'in front of
the entire student body'
'faculty, staff, priests, nuns.'
We're all set. And there you go.
- You got that?
- Lie detector test.
- Oh, my God!
- No, don't worry.
We wrote the questions.
- No mercy. No mercy.
- Welcome to your polygraph.
Alright, so, the polygraph
exam is gonna begin.
- Is your name James Murray?
- Ye-yes.
That's the only one
he's gonna get right.
Do you wax your back?
[laughter]
(male # )
'Whoo!'
Alright, so, the polygraph exam
is gonna begin.
Do you wax your back?
[laughter]
- 'Answer it!'
- Yeah!
Yes.
[laughter]
- That's the truth.
- The truth shall set you free!
Did you ever lie to a priest
during a confession?
[laughter]
Yes, I.. Yes. Yes.
- 'Whoo!'
- You're a bad person.
That answer is true.
Do you secretly enjoy boy bands?
No.
That's a lie.
[laughter]
(Sal)
'Busted!'
Did you have a crush
on one of your
high-school Spanish teachers,
Mrs. Lanza?
[crowd cheers]
Oh, my God, there she is!
Si.
[laughter]
By the way, your ex-girlfriend
Tara is here. Say hello.
Oh, my God!
[laughter]
Answering truthfully, have you
ever cheated on Tara?
Oh!
[crowd cheers]
No, I have not.
[crowd cheers]
- That's a lie.
- I'm so sorry.
(Joe)
'No, you're not!'
Have you ever tried your
girlfriend's underwear on?
Yes, but there's a-a good
explanation for it.
That's the truth.
This is what we got on Murray.
This is the big one.
No one knows about this story
except us.
Have you ever been somewhat
intimate with a stuffed animal?
[crowd gasps]
I'm gonna k*ll you guys.
No.
That's a lie.
[laughter]
- 'Dirty dog.'
- Last question.
- Does it suck to be a loser?
- Yes, it does.
[crowd cheers]
That is how you punish someone!
Happy Homecoming.
It was good work.
[crowd chanting]
Loser! Loser! Loser!