01x09 - Substitute Teacher / A Wolf In Chick's Clothing / Intensive Care

[bunniefuu]

Baby!

Sassy!

Studly!

Check the pecs. Hee! Ha! Huh!

Man, I'm pretty.

Do the monkey with me! Come on!

Hey there, baby.

Oh! Uh!

Yeah, whatever.

SENSEI:

Now class, take a moment to prepare

for your big test today.

Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

I'll be in the back,

mentally preparing to lead you through

the difficult tasks ahead.

[thinking]

Aw, man.

Today is the day I'm going

to get my triple dragon belt.

Hyah! Huh! Ha!

I feel lucky to have a great

teacher like Mr. Goodman.

[music playing]

MAN ON TELEVISION:

♪ The love ship ♪

♪ Soon will be sailing

to awesome sun ♪

[siren]

♪ The love ship... ♪

Oh, no.

A karate studio?

That's just great.

Don't hurt me.

Don't hurt me!

[whimpers]

Oh!

Uh, Mr. Goodman.

[muffled]

Help! Help! Help me!

Who are you?

And what's Mr. Goodman doing

tied up like that?

Uh...

I'm...

Well--

Is this all part of the test

for the next belt?

Yeah, yeah.

That's it.

He's taking a test

in--well, let's see--

in escape techniques.

Yeah, that's it.

He's taking a test.

But who's going to give me my test for

the next belt level?

Well...I am.

That's right.

[crash]

I am. I'm the substitute.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

I'm the substitute teacher,

and I'm going to give you

a very special test.

Me...A special test?

Aw, man! I knew this

was going to be my lucky day.

The first part of the test

is to--let's see--

take this bag and put in

the cashbox, wallets,

and all of Mr. Goodman's

valuables.

[muffled speech]

You can do it,

Mr. Goodman.

Did I pass?

Yeah, sure, kid,

but the road to enlightenment

is long

and difficult,

and, well,

we're going to need a car.

We can borrow Mr. Goodman's car.

I'm sure he won't mind.

Will you,

Mr. G.?

[jingling]

Never give up,

Mr. G.

That's what

you taught us.

Come on, kid.

[crying]

Mmhh!

Mmhh! Mmhh!

JOHNNY:

Alright, what do I

do now, Mr. Teacher?

What are you--

impeded?

Start the car!

Uh, I mean, the path of advancement

can be found in the turn of a key.

JOHNNY:

Oh.

This is great.

Is driving without my hands

part of the test?

Because

I can do that.

[horns honking]

No!

Hey, watch the hair!

What about driving

with my feet?

I can do that, too.

See?

Hey, what about driving

with my teeth?

See? It's easy.

Would you

stop that?!

Don't do anything

I don't tell you to do. Get it?

Got it.

Good. There.

Pull over there!

Now, pay attention!

The true key to martial arts begins by

leaving the motor running.

Uh-huh. Why?

Because...It just is!

Don't ask questions

of your teacher.

Now, stay focused

till I get back.

Right. Focus. Focus.

Focus. Focus.

[alarm bell ringing]

True mastery comes from driving...

Real fast.

Now, go, go,

go, go, go!

[alarm beeping]

Hey, look.

We better hurry. Get up!

Step on it, Harry.

We got to hurry!

[siren]

Criminy!

It's the coppers!

All right, kid--

I mean, student,

your next test will be...

Lose the police!

Yes, sensei.

Huh! Ha! Huh! Ha!

[horns honking]

[tires squeal]

What is that

lunatic guy doing?

Hang on.

I'll take care of it.

Ho ho!

Great driving, kid.

JOHNNY:

Thank you very much. Do I pass now?

Do I get the next belt?

No, because you

didn't obey...Yah!

Right on time.

These are fresh from

the deep-fat fryer.

Oh! You can still

feel the lard! Ooh.

[sniffs]

Yeah, and that crazy driver almost

made us late.

Oh, good driving,

Harry.

CROOK:

All right.

Good work, kid.

What now, sensei?

Now?

Now we go to Mexico.

Mexico?

Yeah.

The key to inner strength and truth

and all that stuff

can only be found

south of the border.

Now, the master

is tired

and wishes to recharge

his vital essences,

so wake me

when we get there.

[snoring]

Mexico.

Mexico.

Let me see.

Where the heck is Mexico?

Better not wake

the master.

Maybe they can

give me directions.

Hey, can either of you tell me

how to get to Mexico?

Look!

It's Jimmy the Hands!

That's right.

He's got hands of fury.

Let's go!

You'll never

take me, coppers!

Wait, sensei!

Ugh!

Oh, mama!

Uh! Oh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ooh!

Ohh.

Did I pass yet, mama?

Mama? Ohh.

Mmhh! Mmhh!

This stinks.

I'm taking up ballet.

[siren]

So do I get my triple

dragon belt now?

Oh, you'll get

your belt.

Ohh!

There's just got to be

an easier way to get these belts.

Ohh!

Ahh!

JOHNNY:

Why, yes,

I am a middle-aged bald man.

Ok, see you

Saturday. Huh!

I love

the personal adds.

Oh, yeah. This one

looks interesting.

"Single, stunning,

sexy seductress"--

Oh, mama!

She's talking my language--

"Seeking blond,

macho, egotistical,

swaggering, self-loving,

superstar wannabe."

Huh. It's a stretch, but I think

I could pull it off.

What do you think,

rubber ducky?

"Quack. Quack."

my thoughts exactly.

Get ready there, Fluffy.

You're about to meet

your dream man--

Huh! Ha!--Johnny Bravo.

[crickets chirping

and owl hooting]

Oh, man. She should be

here any minute.

I better bring out

the reinforcements.

These here doggy treats should

show her that I love animals.

Chicks dig that.

Excuse me.

Are you the blond,

macho, egotistical,

swaggering, self-loving

superstar wannabe?

Uh...

Hi there.

I'm Fluffy.

You must be Johnny.

Uh...Why,

yes, ma'am.

Huh!

I'm Johnny Brav--

Hey, are those

dog biscuits?

Yeah.

Those were for you.

[burp]

Excuse you, honey.

Johnny, before

we go any farther,

there's something

I need to tell you.

I'm not like

other girls.

What? Are you

a werewolf or something?

Well...

[howl]

Hey, Fluffy, look--

a full moon.

Pretty dang

romantic, huh?

Hello!

Yes, Johnny, it's true.

I am a werewolf.

Oh, please, don't run away

in a cowardly panic.

That's weird.

That's just what I was about to do.

Waah!

Now, look, missy,

don't cry.

There's nothing wrong

with having to, um... Comb your face.

Waah--really?

Yeah. I'll bet

there's a beautiful little sweetie pants

underneath

all that hair.

[sultry voice]

And you know, I do

change back at sunrise.

Sunrise.

Hmm.

Johnny.

Johnny.

Oh, mama!

Then how's

about we go out for the evening?

And then later on,

we can watch the sunrise--

Huh!--together.

Oh, Johnny,

that sounds wonderful!

[sniff sniff]

You might want to try some of

these here mints.

Look, Fluffy,

I don't want you to take this

the wrong way

or anything, but your face is--

What's the word

I'm looking for?

Horrifying.

Yeah, that's it.

Can you do something

about your, you know, condition?

Oh, sure. No problem.

There. No one

will ever know.

Yeah...No one

will ever know.

Mmm! Wow!

This stuff is great!

And how is

everything?

Fine and dandy.

Can we get the check?

Yes, you certainly may, and would you

care for a doggy bag?

What's that supposed

to mean, buster?!

Uhh! Gracious!

Good heavens!

A werewolf!

[people screaming]

Are you going

to eat that?

Give me two tickets,

please.

No pets allowed.

She ain't no pet.

She's a werewolf.

A werewolf?!

Aah!

Aah!

I guess that means

we don't have to pay.

It's the werewolf

from the restaurant!

[people screaming]

I'll bet the movie

was bad anyway.

No. It's me.

I'm hideous,

hideous!

Now, calm down there,

sugarplumkin.

When the sun comes up,

everything will be back to normal.

It's almost time, Johnny.

Ohh. Liking that.

Huh! Come on.

Let's go get

some frozen tofu.

Tofu? I love tofu!

[panting]

Now, don't do

anything unusual, ok?

You got it.

Hey mister, me

and my girl here

want some

frozen tofu.

Okey-dokey. You want

any toppings on that?

Ooh, I want some

kibbles and bits.

Ha ha! No, but seriously, do you want

any toppings on your tofu?

I'm sorry.

Did I stutter?

Aah!

It's the werewolf

from the theater!

[people screaming]

Hey, free ice cream!

At least she's

a cheap date.

Thank you for

a wonderful evening.

I had the time

of my life.

Yeah. Don't mention it.

Come on, sunrise!

I can't wait to give you a very

special thank-you.

I can't either.

Give me an "S"!

Give me an "unrise"!

Huh! Hello, sunrise!

[rooster crows]

Here comes the sun!

All right!

Is this what

you want?

[purrs]

Rrrow!

That's the stuff.

Oh! Wait.

What's today?

I don't care.

Uh, it's Wednesday. Why?

Oh, I forgot

to mention,

besides being

a werewolf,

I have

another problem.

Another problem?

On Wednesdays,

I change into--into--

[Fluffy groaning

and voice changing]

on Wednesdays, I change

into an annoying little bald man

named Melvin,

who collects stamps.

Want to see some?

Stamps?

See here? This is the fat Elvis from

a couple of years ago.

And here's

the skinny version.

[breathing heavily]

Maybe I'll take up something safer,

like shark wrestling.

Hey!

Wait up!

[whistling cheery tune]

Ahh...

It's a beautiful day,

the kind of a day

where nothing can go wrong.

Johnny?

Oh! Oh!

Johnny!

You forgot your pants!

Aw, man. I thought it was

kind of drafty.

[horn honking

and man laughing]

MAN:

Look at that!

NARRATOR:

Aron city general hospital...

a paragon of health care,

a place where bright and happy smiles

are guaranteed for all.

I just had

my tonsils taken out.

In the medical world, they call

the procedure a tonsillectomy.

Aren't they cool?!

Oh, Suzy!

Hello,

Mrs. Bravo.

Look who's come

to cheer you up--

John John the clown!

SUZY:

Yay!

Aw, mama,

I can't do this.

What if some...

Body sees me?

Hubba, hubba!

Oh ho ho!

And how is

my number-one patient, hmm?

SUZY:

Peachy as pie!

Is there

anything else I can do?

How about

you and me playing doctor?

And you are?

Johnny Bravo, M.D.

Want to take my pulse?

[sarcastically]

Please!

Don't wait up

for me, mama.

Was I supposed to?

Help, nurse beautiful!

Pain! Aw!

And your problem is?

The problem is,

I think I love you,

but I don't have

your phone number.

Alphonse, can you help

Mr. Bravo?

How's about I put you under "H" for

one "hot tamale"?

[voice like Peter Lorre]

Help him? Sure.

It's only my sworn duty.

Or how about "G"

for "good golly Miss Molly"?

You run along downstairs

to the cafeteria

and get yourself some peach cobbler.

Oh, yeah.

"R" for "rrrow!"

"S" for--hey!

Where's

nurse Amber babe?

She went to "G"

for "get away from you"

because you're "J,"

a big, dumb "jerk."

And you are?

Aah!

Oh!

And stay out, you womanizing

sick-guy impersonator!

JOHNNY;

♪ Roll, roll, roll

your chair ♪

♪ Don't you

want to play? ♪

Oh, Alphonse!

You called?

Oh, hello.

How can I be

of assistance, nurse Amberly?

Him.

♪ Merrily, merrily,

merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Let's roll

in the hay ♪

Well, well, well.

A wheelchair.

You must really be

feeling poorly.

No, not really.

Now, where'd

that nurse go?

You see, Mr. Bravo,

this is a hospital.

We only help the sick

and injured here.

That suits me

because I was just going--

Oh!

♪♪♪

There.

Now we can help you.

Let's get you back

into that wheelchair.

JOHNNY:

Ah, that's ok.

Oh, that's

a nasty head wound.

We'd better get you

down to x-ray.

These stairs

look dangerous.

Maybe we should--

oh, look! A quarter!

[Johnny groans in pain]

[crash]

ALPHONSE:

Whoops!

Did I do that?

Oh gosh, looks like

I'd better drag you back up here

by your ears so we can take

the elevator.

How about

a little fresh air?

Here, nurse Nymphet.

Let me show you

how it's done.

[straining groans]

Come on, Suzy.

Let's go get a smoothie.

Whoopee!

If I can just...

[window creaking]

Mr. Bravo, looking for a little

fresh air, are we?

Here. Just press

this button.

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh!

Oh, my, Mr. Bravo.

You don't look

so good.

I'd better put you on a gurney and

wheel you down to surgery.

Oops!

I'm so clumsy today.

Whoa!

[groans in pain]

[crash]

Aw, mama.

Johnny,

guess what.

Because of my tonsillectomy,

I get to have all the ice cream I want.

Isn't that cool?!

Yeah, whatever.

SUZY:

Hi, Alphonse.

Well, I've got

to be going now.

Wait. Don't...Go.

What was that,

Mr. Bravo?

What did you say?

Nothing.

You feel like

a sandwich?

Gee, that's funny.

You don't look like a sandwich.

[beep]

Oh!

[muffled]

Oh, man.

There. Now you look

like a sandwich.

I'll be back in a couple

of hours to check on you.

Really, I'll be ok.

Must reach button...

call beautiful nurse.

[beeping]

Hey, nurse Lovely,

it's the handsome guy

in room 12.

You rang?

Uh...

I've always wanted

to say that.

I'm sorry. I was trying

to reach nurse Amber Babe.

Well, in case

you want to get a hold of me...

♪♪♪

All you have to do

is whistle.

Whistle?

You do know how

to whistle,

don't you?

[no note]

I think

that one's broken.

[barking]

Help! Help! Ohh!

Looks fine to me.

[Johnny mumbles]

What was that, Mr. Bravo?

What did you say?

Nothing.

You'd like to donate

your liver?

Oh, that's great.

Hey wait a minute.

Don't I need my liver?

Oh, heck, no.

You've got 3 of them.

No, wait a minute.

I'll double-check

on that after the surgery.

Aw, man. It just

couldn't get any worse.

Oh Johnny, as soon as little

Suzy told me,

I rushed right

on over here, boy.

Hey, Johnny, guess what.

Now I got the chicken measles.

Pretty cool, huh?!

Wait a minute.

Isn't that contagious?

Oh, dear. I forgot.

You never had

the chicken measles before.

Aw, man!

Wow!

The constellations!

Here's Cassiopeia.

Ow!

And look!

The big dipper!

Come on, Suzy.

Let's tell the nurse you'll be staying.

Uh-oh. Oh, no.

I've got an itch!

Itch? Did someone

say itch?

Fortunately, I just

happen to have

a little sandpaper

and rubbing alcohol handy.

Hee hee! Hee hee!

Hee hee hee!

Hee hee hee!

Hee hee hee!

This just isn't my day.