03x07 - What a Banker

[bunniefuu]

[Karen] How can anyone navigate this city

when there is a Pret A Manger
on literally every corner?

[Nikki] Can't we ask Scott where it is?

No, he doesn't know I'm coming.

- It's a surprise.
- Aw.

[stammers] How come they're so slow?

Well, they stopped to stroke a cat.

- What? A cat?
- Yes.

- Ah, God.
- [chuckles]

Hurry up!

Why are you bringing a muffin basket
to a book launch?

To say "well done."

Freddy keeps sending them to us.

He thinks that's
what being a good person is.

So, what's going on with you and Jason?

- Have you not forgiven him yet?
- [sighs] Nope.

He lied about us buying the flat,
which we are now losing,

told Bev stuff which she's now using
to try and stop us getting the kids,

and secretly gambled ten grand
of our money, with Scott of all people.

Of all people, he would be
one of the best people to do it with.

- Right.
- But still. [Sighs]

- Oh, it's over there.
- Oh. Okay.

If you need... It's over there!

I mean, an economics book though.
Really impressive.

Yeah, I'm made up for him.

I mean, he's really proved Jilly,
Nikki, you, me, his family,

his friends, our friends,
that builder we had round and Karen wrong.

Really chuffed for him.

I mean, we say we don't care what
our daughter's fella does for a living,

as long as he makes her happy,
but… [chuckles] …we don't really mean it.

[Jilly]
I've not been to a literary party before.

Will it be risqué, do you think?
Debauched?

Uh, I don't think so, Jill. No.

Aw.

[sighs]

[Karen] About bloody time.

How long does it take to stroke a cat?

Well, it was a nice one,
and there was a bit of a queue.

Ah.

Come on, then.

[partygoers chattering]

[partygoers cheer, applaud]

What the…

[partygoer chuckles]

What a banker!

- [partygoers cheer, applaud]
- [Leo] Wow. Nice.

[Maya] Brilliant.

Oh, no. [Sighs]

So glad you could come.

I thought... Weren't you taking
football practice after school?

N... No, Amy's covering.

Scott, what is all of this?

No… [stammers] …don't change
your plans for me, Karen. Okay?

If you need to get back,
that's... that's completely okay.

No, it's fine.

What is all of this?
I mean, what are you doing?

He's just the same in real life.
[chuckles]

What does she mean?

And… [stammers] …why are you pulling
these weird faces in these pictures?

[Scott] Mmm.

- [Jason speaks indistinctly]
- Yeah.

Canapé?

[Jilly] Uh…

[mouths words] Thank you.

You know you don't have to take one.

- Oh, do you not?
- Oh.

Just a second.

Oi, uh...

- Are those salmon things nice?
- Yeah.

Do you want to take them off me
and give them to Scott?

Maybe in six months, he can give me
three quarters of them back.

Come on. Nikki... Nik...

If you're coming,
bring more salmon things.

So, they think you're a character?

Yeah, well, I mean, it's a...
It's a literary thing, you know?

Like a... Like a pen name.
Lots of writers do it.

George Eliot did it.

He's very well respected.

Scott, they're laughing at you.

[clicks tongue]
Well, they mocked Jesus to begin with,

and n-now he's everywhere. Okay?

So if I can get
half the Christmas market share he had...

No!

Scott, got you a groin guard
and a helmet. [Chuckles]

Oh, miscommunication
with the money cannon.

They filled it with coins
instead of notes.

With those on, you won't feel a thing.

No. No, no, no. This is not
the sort of writer you want to be.

Well, I tried. Karen, and I...
This is as far as I've got.

And I don't have the motivation
to try again.

I am sorry that I lied about the flat.

I'm sorry that I gave that money to Scott
to invest without asking you.

- Gamble.
- It wasn't gambling.

- Yes, of course it was.
- [cell phone chimes]

Not everyone can be rich, Jason.

That's just what they tell people like us
so we keep giving them our money.

You didn't even think to ask me!

I wanted to bring you solutions
and not problems.

[chuckles] I'm not one of the kids
you clear a path for.

- I help find solutions.
- There weren't any, babe.

- [phone chimes]
- We...

[groans] We could've asked my parents.

They haven't got that kind of money.

I mean, they won't even turn on
the big ring on the cooker.

Anyway, I don't want
to take people's savings.

Scott was the best option.
I thought he could short it.

- What does that mean?
- Short it.

That's what those finance guys do
to make money.

They sell short. Short it.

What do you mean, "short it"?

You know, just short it.

- Short it!
- Stop saying "short it"!

It's not like I've swapped them
for magic beans, is it?

I mean, he's an investment banker.
He can't be a complete idiot.

Ah. Perfect timing, mate.
Thanks very much.

- [phone chimes]
- [sighs, groans]

Look, I'm trying to fix it.

That's why I'm doing my taxiing.
I'm making good money.

Yes, another decision
that you took without me.

And on top of everything,

you told Bev all of our problems.

The person standing
in between us and the kids.

I told her that

because I didn't want her to think
that we thought we were better than her,

that we were some perfect family
looking down on her.

But it was stupid.

- Oh, was it?
- Yes!

And we used to make
our stupid decisions together.

And we're not talking like we used to.

[phone chimes]

- Oh, my God!
- Look, it's surge pricing, all right?

- [sighs]
- Look, I'm gonna go.

- [groans]
- Look, I'm better use to this family

out there than I am
in here right now, okay?

So I'm gonna go, but can we talk later?

Nik?

Okay. Okay.

I think I'll just have a boiled egg
when we get home.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm sorry. Is this really
the way to sell an economics book?

Uh, w... I wouldn't know.
I don't sell economics books.

I mean, I don't really think anybody does.

- I know, but you are... You're making him...
- No, no, no.

This is a comedy book.

And TBH, the fact that he's being paid
anything at all to write is…

[stammers] …the victory here.

So, when does he get paid?

Oh, when he clears the marketing debt,

'cause, uh, you know, this ain't cheap.

[scoffs] So, he's paying for all of this?

Yeah, I know, and...
And we really appreciate it.

I'm having a... I'm having a lovely time.

You know, I mean, this company is
massively overleveraged.

All of publishing is on its knees.

Most books don't earn out the advance,
unless you're a chef.

Do you cook at all?

- No.
- Oh, well.

Well, if you know any chefs,
you ever meet a chef,

would you...
Would you give me a call? [Chuckles]

I am sorry, but…

[chuckles] …this is just not
the sort of book that he wants it to be.

Look, I'm not the one standing
between Scott and his Booker Prize.

I grew up with people like you, Scott.

Without me, you're not Philip Roth.

You are a San Fran goatee in a turtleneck,

reading poetry and playing bongo drums
to dancing women in black leotards.

You're not a serious man,

and this is the only book
you're ever gonna get.

Excuse us, would you?

Lovely to meet you.

Enjoy.

Well, I think
you have just found your motivation.

Come on.

You're not settling for half a dream.

I am so sorry,
but I think you'll find these are ours.

Enjoying yourselves,
are you, there, girls?

All right, get up. We're going.

Grab as much as you can. Come on.

Yeah, I'll be having those. Thanks.

Moment on the lips and all that.
Right. Come on. Grab the bubbles.

I think you'll find we paid for this.

Come on. Go, go, go, go, go, go!

[Scott] Going!

[speaks indistinctly]

Our financial adviser there.

Just running down the road
with a plate of goujons.

[Karen] Come on!

[door closes]

[exhales heavily]

I can't wait for this to be over
so I can go back to hating Freddy.

I'll tell him to stop.

Don't do anything too rash.
These are quality muffins.

All right, what's this?

Oh. I got that as a surprise
for Tyler to replace the wrench.

Jase, you can't force love like that.

He's too small anyway.

- He's way too small.
- I think he's cute.

No, I... I don't like him.
He's... He's too small to hug properly.

[Jason] What do you want to do with him?

[Nikki] I'm sorry for Tyler, but we'll
have to send him back, get a bigger one.

It's a shame, though,
'cause he... he is cute. [Chuckles]

[sighs]

What's all this?

Jen's coming over later
for a girls' night in.

[stammers] I wanna make it super calming.

Oh.

- Then I'm gonna fire her.
- Oh.

But… [sighs] …Jase, before she gets here,
can we have a chat?

I'm sorry, babe. I'm heading out.

Are you serious?
We still haven't talked yet.

I know, but it's peak time, isn't it?

So two hours now is worth four later.
I'm so... Can we talk tomorrow?

- Is that okay?
- Jase.

Sorry, Nik. Sorry.

[door opens, closes]

Bye.

- [sighs] This is so nice.
- [moans, chuckles]

I have this stuff in my gym.

And sometimes my house
after I've been to the gym.

[breathes deeply]

[clicks tongue]

Okay, so…

Jen, there's...

Hi, Jen.

- Oh... Oh, hi, Princess.
- [Nikki sighs]

Do you like my tattoo?

Oh, that is so cool. [Chuckles]

I have six tattoos,
but I can't show you any of them.

I...

Oh. Make sure you keep that on
for the recommended time.

- Okay.
- [chuckles]

If she stays looking younger, I can keep
taking her on the buses for free.

[both chuckle]

Right. [Inhales sharply]

- So, Jen...
- So, quick question from me.

Mm-hmm.

How do you know if you're depressed?

Jen, what's the matter?

I wanna be with Tinkle,
but I don't think she wants to be with me.

Why would you want to be with someone
who doesn't want to be with you?

'Cause they're normally the best ones.

Okay, yeah.

[scoffs] We're seeing other people,

and she's used the word "casual,"
like, 17 times.

Oh, my God.

Every generation thinks
they've cracked no-strings sex.

- Jen, no one has cracked it.
- [chuckles]

We need the strings. The strings are good.
The strings are what hold us together.

[chuckles, sighs]

I've just spent so much time
focusing on my career.

- And now I've achieved all my goals there…
- Mm-hmm.

…I think it's time
I applied that effort to my love life.

I need someone I can rely on.

I need to stop going
for hot people on MDMA

and find someone nice
on an apprenticeship, you know?

- Mmm.
- [Jen exhales sharply]

I need to fall in love. [Chuckles]

Well, love doesn't just happen to you.

It isn't a spell.

It's a job.

It's hard work.

But if you want it, you'll find it.

[Jen chuckles]

- Aw. You're so kind to me.
- Aw. [Chuckles]

You're literally
the kindest person I know.

- Oh. [Chuckles]
- [chuckles]

What was it you wanted to talk about?

- It doesn't matter. [Chuckles]
- Okay. [Chuckles]

[typing]

Why are you working in here?

My office was too close to the kitchen,
and I just couldn't concentrate.

[typing continues]

- How's it going?
- Yeah, it's good. Yeah.

Just rocketing along.

Remember, need five pages by bedtime.

Sure.

Tonight? Sure.

Can I make the font bigger at all?

No. No, you cannot.

It's not... I don't...
It's not really ready for eyes.

Oh, shut up.

[Karen] Oh.

- [stammers] It's fine. It's just...
- [inhales sharply]

[stammers] Do you really need
all those words?

Words are my children, Karen.

It's very hard to let them go.

Well, what I say to my children is,
"Keep it short, and keep it clear."

Trust me.

When you're looking at 30 lots
of homework every night,

you see the value in direct writing.

Right, come on. Budge up. Budge up.

All right.

Right. [Exhales deeply]

We don't need that. [Sighs]

- [Scott] I... [stammers]
- Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

- Right. What do you want to happen?
- I want there to... [inhales deeply]

[Karen sighs]

She goes to see her husband to tell him
it's over, and when she gets there,

she discovers he's, um...
He's been m*rder*d.

Okay.
Well, why don't you just write that then?

[clicks tongue] Uh...

[stammers] There…

Was so much blood,

she could taste metal in the air.

She wanted it over,

but not like this.

[inhales sharply]

That's… [stammers] …very good, isn't it?
Very... Yeah.

How about that?

It's very Chandleresque.

Really?

Yeah.

You carry on.

[chuckles]

Do more.

Okay then.

[typing]

[Nikki clears throat]

What are you doing?

We need to talk, and this is
the only way I'm gonna see you.

I'm paying you. You can't not pick me up.

But this is stupid.

We're a rocket, Jason.

This family is a rocket.

And if that rocket is off,
just even by a tiny bit, then you...

Well, you end up not where you wanna be.

Or on fire.

Either way, you have to fix it early.

Can we fix it not in surge time, please?

No, it's always bloody surge time.

And I think that's something
that th... they might have made up.

Well, I'm not driving about
wasting my petrol.

[Nikki] Fine, fine. That's fine.
We can just sit here.

Together.

[Jason groans]

- And if you don't…
- What?

…I'm gonna give you one star.

Oh, what will that do to your rating
so early on, I wonder?

- Don't do that.
- I'm gonna do it.

- I'm gonna do... I'll do it. I will do it.
- [Jason] Don't do that.

Okay!

Okay. Fine.

[Nikki sighs]

- Hang on. Who's looking after the kids?
- Jen.

What?

It's fine. She's very responsible.

[Jen]
Ah. Well, the thing about homework is,

you work really hard in school,

and then you get older and realize
you don't really use any of it day-to-day.

So, honestly, I would just chill out
and live your story, you know?

[chuckles] You're too small for that.

Like these.

- Hey? [Chuckles]
- Can I have coffee?

No, Tyler. No.

That's not how you ask.

Please, may I have coffee?

That's better. Yes, you may.

[stammers] Tyler!

You mustn't waste coffee.

[sighs]

[typing]

[breathes deeply]

Things are slipping.

What do you mean, "slipping"?
What's slipping?

Us. Stuff.

I don't know. I don't know, Jase.
I can just... I feel it. [Breathes shakily]

Are we not up to this?

Of course we are up to this.

They... They told us, didn't they?
They said this was gonna be difficult.

Yes, but obviously I didn't believe them.

Obviously, I thought
that we were the exception.

'Cause everyone's always said
that relationships are hard,

but that's never been the case for us.

Everything else in my life was hard,
but this… [stammers] …just never was.

Maybe we just need to get used to
being with each other

in a... in a different way, you know?

Maybe we just have to
get used to... to trying harder.

[Nikki sniffles]

Can we just be honest
about how we're feeling?

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

[stammering]
Well, you... I meant you, mainly.

I find it really difficult that
I'm not able to contribute financially

in the way that you are.

Yeah. No, but that's because
you're doing most of the parenting.

And I feel bad about that.

And I'm…

I'm worried that Bev's right.

What if we're not the best thing
for these kids?

I mean, how would we know?

I mean, how do we know
that they even wanna stay with us?

[footsteps approaching]

- [Jen] Tyler, what are you doing up?
- I can't sleep.

[sighs] Yeah, it's probably the coffee.

You should maybe consider
switching to decaf.

Jen, when will I be bigger?

Well, the thing is,
you won't really notice it.

One day you'll just wake up,
and you'll be big.

Back to bed. I need to get
your pajamas in the wash.

[sighs]

- [washing machine running]
- [sighs, chuckles]

[Jason] We haven't spoken like this
in a while, have we?

No.

I think emotional chats are easier
when you're not facing each other.

Yeah? Mmm.

- It's in all the parenting books.
- Parenting books.

[laughing] I knew you were just
folding down the pages.

I haven't been folding down the pages.
I've read them all.

Have you got any tissues?

- In the glove box.
- Okay.

Jason.

I just put that there to get more tips.

Will you drive me home, please?

Of course.

[clears throat]
Everything's gonna be okay.

Because we have a... a good love.

One that can survive life.

[inhales shakily]

[groans, sighs]

What?

[clicks tongue] Well, there's just
a lot of difficult things in there.

[sighs]

Can I have the car for a bit?

[Jen sighs]

So I guess it's back on the apps I go.

- Yeah.
- [scoffs]

Ugh. I'm just so sick of it.

I mean, look.

[chuckles]

Don't put a dog in your profile picture
if it's not yours.

It's misleading. [Scoffs]

Jen, I have to te...
I have to tell you something.

So it turns out it's his auntie's,
so he does have access to it. [Scoffs]

But this picture heavily implies
it's part of his everyday life,

- and I think he knows that.
- Jen.

Yeah?

No, I... [stammers]
I need us to both face forward,

'cause I... I find this very hard.

Driving?

Yeah, you definitely face forward
for driving.

[sighs] I'm so sorry.

I have to fire you.

- What?
- Keep looking ahead.

Please, Jen. It's the only way,
otherwise I'll start crying.

[clicks tongue]

I just wanted you to hear it from me.

Okay.

I love you.

This is the start for you. [Chuckles]

It's not the end.

I believe in you and all you can do.

Start taking yourself seriously.

It's time to stop being passive.

Demand more.

You decide what you want from your life,
and you go for it.

Okay?

[inhales sharply] Okay.

[Nikki chuckles]

[inhales sharply]

I know something I want.

[exhales heavily]

[no audible dialogue]

Oh.

[pop ballad playing]

[song continues]

[exhales sharply]

Yes!

I'm big!

[chuckling] Okay.

[envelope tearing]

[Jason] Next week?

[song continues]