01x02 - The Ex-Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

I'm cold.

How long now?

Shouldn't be too long.

[SIGHS]

Hello.

[MAILBOX DOOR SQUEAKS]

Right, we should put my family down
as references 'cause your family hate me.

That's not true... entirely.

I don't even really want to put mine down,
to be honest.

- Who do you want to put then?
- People who don't know us as well.

I thought this was just supposed to be
an initial registration form.

Yeah, but there's space
for additional info,

- so I thought I'd just really sell us.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, everyone exaggerates.
It's like a CV.

"I have a keen interest
in the economics of green energy."

- What? I do.
- Really?

- Yeah. I read a book about it.
- Which one? Which one was it?

- Okay, an article.
- Right.

- All right, fine, a tweet.
- "I'm a proficient cellist..."

They're not gonna have a cello
in their office to check, are they?

"And have played volleyball
to a county standard."

- Oh, God. Oh, God.
- What?

We have to list past relationships.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Why?
- Dunno. Suppose they just have to check.

- [STAMMERS] What are they checking for?
- Dunno, just check.

- They're being thorough.
- Seems a bit excessive, don't it?

Yeah, but the exes know secrets,
don't they?

Yep.

Okay, if you wanna flick
to the back of your books,

you'll find, um, a good list
of irregular verbs.

All right?

Okay, what have you got?

[CHATTERING]

- Thanks for the class.
- No worries. Yeah.

- I enjoy it.
- "Enjoyed." "I enjoyed it."

I mean, we literally just did
half an hour on that.

- Oh. I got it.
- Yeah.

- So I enjoyed it.
- You enjoyed it. Good.

- Yeah. See you.
- All right, have a good one.

Did I tell you I found her
having lunch in the greenhouse?

Why?

She said it was warm.
Made her feel like she was on holiday.

[NIKKI CHUCKLES]

You don't think
she's getting Alzheimer's, do you?

No, Karen,
I think she's always been like that.

Good.

Don't know what I'd talk to Dad about
for the next 20 years.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- [KAREN SIGHS]

How's Scott?

Oh, fine.

Has he got a job at all or...

Well, it's 11:30,
and he's called me five times now.

On the plus side,

I haven't missed a parcel delivery
in months. [CHUCKLES]

Did you tell him
about the vacancy at my place?

Yeah.

He didn't want to work in a call center.
He says he hasn't completely given up.

Okay. Right.

Well, who's paying the rent then?

- It's just temporary.
- Okay.

Okay. [SIGHS]

Just as long as you feel empowered
as a person.

You know, just be able to voice your needs
as well as thinking about...

Okay. No, no, no.

You're talking like an American again.
You know I hate it when you do that.

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

- Don't mention anything when you see him.
- No, I won't.

[KAREN SIGHS]

He says he's invented
a new type of cereal.

So, you know,
maybe something will come of that.

- Yeah.
- Hey, move over.

Karen, why do you always have to walk
on the water side?

Because I'm the oldest.

Oh, I didn't tell you:
Scott's coming tonight.

- Why can't my sister attract nice men?
- [CASH REGISTER BEEPING]

She's nice and clever.

She's cleverer than me, and I have you.

You listening?

Yeah. What's tonight?

- Dinner. Karen. You're coming.
- [GROANS]

No, do not bail on me.
I'm not dealing with him on my own.

- He's all right.
- He is not all right.

He's a snob who thinks
he's better than we are.

He doesn't even have a TV.

And he's so proud of that,
as if it's an achievement.

He's a pretentious prick
in a polo neck. It...

- Are you listening?
- Yeah.

Bet he owns a bloody record player.

Yeah, well.

[SCANNER BEEPS]

- No, we're gonna pay with cash.
- Why?

They can check our bank accounts.
They can see everything we do.

- Who can?
- Adoption people.

Things like alcohol, cigarettes,
we pay cash. No paper trail.

Bloody hell. Should we get
some burner phones as well?

- Do you have any ID?
- Yeah.

Tell me, you're being serious, yeah?

Well, you need ID for alcohol.

Look at my face.

No, I'm sorry, I need proof.

My face is proof.

Here.

Thank you.

What's the matter with you today?

We need stuff that makes us look good.

We should donate to a charity.

- Then we can say we've donated to charity.
- Which one?

Um, maybe a children's one?

- Or is that a bit too obvious? Yeah.
- Bit obvious.

- What about animals?
- Oh, God, no.

Only awful people
donate to animal charities.

- Help the Aged?
- Yeah, I like that.

That says we're good people
but not in a "look at me" kind of way.

I'll do it now.

No, but don't give too much
that it makes them suspicious.

Like we've been bad to an old person,
and now we feel guilty.

Oh, we should join the National Trust.

That suggests an air
of, um, calmness and dependability.

- Yeah. I like that.
- Yeah.

We're now fully catfishing
social services.

No, we shouldn't think of this form
as a record of who we are,

- but a picture of who we're gonna be.
- Mm.

This is an aspirational form.

- Very aspirational.
- It's fine.

As long as we're these people
by the time they meet us, it's all good.

Oh! Oh!

We should make a list of all the flaws
that we want to iron out.

Honestly, Jase, I am so impressed with us.

I think we're gonna be amazing parents.

Okay, this is good.

- I'm feeling positive.
- Absolutely. Yeah.

- You drink too much.
- What? That's...

You think I've got a problem?

It takes me two trips
to take the recycling out.

Every parent I know drinks a lot.

Maybe when we get the kid,
get back on the drink.

But perhaps while we're being assessed,
just lay off it a little.

- Yeah? All right.
- Okay.

"Sometimes occasionally - Mm.

Drinks a bit too much?"

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- Well, you should stop smoking.
- [SCOFFS]

There'll be a medical,
and, you know, you're older.

- I'm three years older than you.
- You should know better, then,

- shouldn't you?
- All right, fine. I'll stop.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's not something I'm addicted to.
It's just something I do.

Yeah, okay.

Also, I think that - Mm.

You need to work on your anger.

My anger?

My anger's fine, maybe.

Okay. "Look at my face. My face is proof."

- That was nothing.
- Yeah, to you, Jase.

You've got...
You've got an angry energy.

What are you talking about,
"angry energy"?

[SCOFFS]

- Fine, put it down. Yeah.
- "Angry energy."

[JASON] Mm.

Okay, what else?

- No, go on.
- Nah, nothing.

- It's all right. You can say.
- Okay.

All right.

Now, I want you to breathe.

[CHUCKLES]

I think that you need
to get stronger emotionally.

What?

- See?
- I am strong. I am really strong.

The last year's taken its toll, hasn't it?

I just think you need to build up
a little bit more resilience.

- That's all I'm saying.
- You don't think I'm resilient?

Last week, you cried because you saw
a duck on its own in a pond.

Yeah, because I'm a human with a heart.

Just a little bit stronger,
that's all I'm saying.

- I don't want to turn into a sociopath.
- A little more resilient.

Yeah? Kids can put a lot of pressure
on people, can't they?

Okay, well, that is true.

- You know, I was talking to Erica.
- Yeah.

- And she told me that her and Freddy,
- Uh-huh.

They haven't had sex for six months.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- She said it's just gone cold.
- God.

I think he was freaked out
by the pregnancy.

- Shit.
- Hayley and Dan are the same.

- No.
- Yeah.

Christ, six months.

Six.

- Do you wanna know something really awful?
- What? Go on.

I think our friends' marriage problems
makes me horny.

- That's bad, isn't it?
- I mean, it's niche, yeah.

Well done. All right then.
Let's get this in the postbox, shall we?

- Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Wait for what? What now?

Right, if you apply it directly,
it's too much.

- So you spray...
- Yeah?

Delay...

and walk away.

- Come on!
- Aye.

- Okay. Ready?
- Mm-hmm.

- Let it go.
- No, you let it go. There.

Being unemployed has just been
incredibly freeing, you know?

I have so much more energy now
for life, philosophy, art, museums.

Oh, we're going to a great
multimedia exhibition if you want to come.

Oh, no.
I never really understand that stuff.

It's not about understanding, is it?
It's about how it makes you feel.

Well, it makes me feel stupid.

No, don't say... don't...
I hate it when people say that.

You can't survive culturally
on Britain's Got Talent and Love Island.

You should come
to one of my dinner parties.

I style them as a sort of
modern-day salon littéraire.

Oh, God. [LAUGHS]

Yeah. Yeah, great, yeah.

[OTHER PATRONS MURMURING]

- [SCOTT SMACKS LIPS, SIGHS]
- All right, so, dinner parties:

Anyone living or dead,
who would you have?

Probably my father.

There were a lot of things left unsaid.

Right.

So, where's Jason?

Yeah, sorry. He had to take a class.
He only told me last minute.

- Mm.
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

- [POP MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi.

Couldn't have thought of somewhere new
for us to meet?

- Evidently, no. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

So, why am I here?

Then one of my year ten netball girls
throws a ball at my head.

Cut my lip open.
Tells me I'm a shit coach.

I said, "Well, you hit me,
so I must be doing something right."

[LAUGHS] Karen.

I don't know how you both do it, you know?

Every day, eight hours, week after week.

How is the job search going?

Uh...

Yeah, nothing really, uh,
feels quite right at the moment,

- you know?
- Huh.

I'm really about life balance, and, um...

I don't know, juggling work and
a social life, it's, uh, well, it's hard.

His friend said
he could get him in at his bank.

City, not High Street.
He went and talked to them.

Mm. Yeah, I wanted to see if I could
really care about money,

- like, on a fundamental level?
- Mm.

Um, but [SMACKS LIPS], you know,
turns out I just can't.

Right, and then the hospital thing,
that wasn't...

I feel like hospital administration
is maybe a bit of a bubble.

- Hmm.
- For me, it's really...

It's just about finding
something meaningful in my life.

Well, she teaches children to read.

She does, yeah.
But I mean, like, on a more macro level.

It's nice that you have a girlfriend
who will support you

while you figure stuff out.

Ah. Yeah, well [SMACKS LIPS]...

I think if she forced me to do something
that I didn't really love, I would just...

[INHALES DEEPLY]

End up resenting her for it.

- [INHALES SHARPLY] So, shall we order?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Don't worry, I know this place.
[SNAPS FINGERS]

¡Chica! Yeah, you. Mm.

You know this is tapas.

They spit in your food,
they spit in all our food.

- Okay. So, um...
- [JANE CLEARS THROAT]

Right. We're, um, we're adopting.

Well, w-we're trying to adopt.

And, um, later on, we're gonna need
references from ex-partners.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

And they're gonna be quite thorough.

And if you put a foot wrong, then, uh,

they can reject you, so...

And you're worried that I hate you
and will ruin your life.

- Basically, yeah. Yeah.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah.

Okay, well, um, I'll talk to them, yeah.

Okay, great.

- Yeah.
- Great. Amazing.

I can tell them about
your toxic masculinity

and how unavailable you were emotionally.

I'm not sure it's fair to criticize me
with phrases that didn't exist

when we were going out, but...

Oh, you'd rather I say you're dependable,
reliable, like an all-round great guy?

- Right, ideally, yes.
- Okay, sure.

All right.

- So, you want me to lie?
- No, I'm not asking you to lie.

- No, no one's lying.
- No one's lying? Really?

No.

You're gonna tell them
how you two got together?

- I know I could have handled it better.
- Does she know?

[STAMMERING] Yeah, she knows
that there was a bit of an overlap.

- Yeah.
- Shall we start calling it an affair?

A bit y-young for that, weren't we?
I mean, it was...

Adults have affairs.
It was a ten-day overlap.

It was a ten-day affair.

[STAMMERING] I suppose I just thought it
was over a long time before it was over.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Come on.

It was a six-month relationship
which lasted for three years

because neither of us
had the guts to end it, all right?

You checked out way before I met Nikki.

I checked out to protect myself,
because I knew you'd screw me over.

Well, that was never my intention.

Well, that's what happened.

Look.

- I've changed, all right?
- [SNICKERS]

No, no. You haven't changed. No.

You're gonna mess this one up
like you always do.

You can't smoke in here.
It's not 2006.

What?

Bloody hell, she's doing it.

[PATRONS LAUGHING, TALKING]

Peppers.
Peppers here are sensational.

Mm.

I mean, you wouldn't feed them to your dog
in Barcelona, but, uh, for here...

[SMACKS LIPS] Muchas gracias.

Oh, God. Can't eat all of those.

- Well, I'll have yours.
- No, it's okay, I will.

I'm a woman.
I just have to say that when food arrives.

She's funny.

And funny women, they're...
They're hard to find.

Right.

Toilet.

God, I'm starving.

Sorry, Karen.
Just give me two seconds.

Um, okay, I just wanna say,
I think you've been pretty rude tonight.

I know you know lots of things about lots
of things, but politeness costs nothing.

Which is actually lucky for you,

because you haven't had a job
in, like, six months.

So maybe just have
a little think about that,

and start treating my sister
with a bit more respect.

And by the way,
you can't juggle work and a social life.

That's two things.
That's the same number of things as hands.

That's not juggling,
that's just holding things in your hands.

- [SCOTT] Enjoy. Have a nice night.
- [MAN] Same to you.

[JANE] You never answered my texts.

[JASON] Well, there was a lot of them.
They were all in capitals.

Yeah, well, I was angry.

- You were always angry.
- I wonder why?

It was all my fault, yeah.

Well, I'm not angry at other people.

I'm sorry.
You have to go outside to do that.

- I am outside.
- You're inside.

- Yeah, but my mouth is outside.
- A lot of the smoke's coming...

You know what? I really feel like
this is a gray area, so...

- [KAREN] Right, then. See you soon.
- [NIKKI] Okay.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

So, when are you gonna hear back?

We literally just posted it,
so I don't know.

They're gonna love you.

- You're brilliant.
- Oh.

- Karen, that's so...
- Okay, I'll see you then.

Okay.

- Bye.
- [KAREN] Oh, God. A baby. All right.

Yeah.

I am brilliant.

- Hmm.
- [SIREN WAILING]

So, the Internet says that you're
in a relationship. Is that right?

Yeah, you know,
I should update that, 'cause, um...

Oh! He put a ring on it?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

Well, that's lovely.
That's really lovely. Lovely.

What are you, um, doing now?

- Still teaching English.
- At the language school?

Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. How long is this gap year
gonna last, Jason?

[JASON LAUGHS]

Does that make enough money,
though, for kids?

You know, we'll never be rich, but...

Yeah, well, growing up rich ruins you.

All the men cry after sex

and all the women
have eating disorders, so...

It's really nice to see you again, Jane.

Yeah, you too.

And I really have changed,
you know, honestly.

In fact, today Nikki and I made a list

of all the ways in which
we can improve ourselves.

And you know you, um, always said
that I should get into mindfulness?

Well, today I downloaded this app...

What? Jane! Where you going?

Jane!

- Jane, wait! What?
- You! You!

You are a real d*ck.

- You know that?
- What? Why? Why?

Do you know how hard it was
to be with you,

- how impossible you were?
- I know, but I've just told you,

- I'm a different person now.
- Yeah, of course you are.

- You know, that's the worst part.
- I'm sorry. How's that?

You're a better person
because you practiced on me.

Yeah, but that wasn't my intention.

- That's just life, isn't it?
- Oh, great.

Well, I'm glad I was able to sacrifice
myself in the name of your self-discovery.

You know,
I'm glad it wasn't all for nothing.

So, you'd rather I was
the same old idiot I always used to be?

Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God!
That would be so much better.

I know who that person was gonna be.

You know, some sad, old,
secretary-shagging letdown.

That would be fine.
I'd have dodged a b*llet.

But this? This is so much worse.

But why?

Because this is what I wanted.

And it turns out
that you wanted what I wanted all along.

Just not with me.

Do you... Do you know
what the most annoying thing is?

You've become the person

that you hated me for telling you
you could be.

I mean, what did you even like about me?

- Oh, my God, Jason. Think of one thing.
- I liked your strength.

I liked your...

your spirit.

I liked your faith in people.

I liked your laugh. I liked...

I liked how I could always tell
that you were gonna make a joke

'cause you got
the same little smile on your face.

I liked how "MMMbop" was
the only Hanson song that you didn't like.

I liked how you always said your name
when you answered your phone.

- It's polite.
- It's a mobile.

And I liked how you were genuinely happy
for other people.

I liked lots of things, lots of things.

And I'm really sorry
that you didn't know that.

Didn't even need that much, you know?

Just for you to hold my hand
every now and again.

I know. I know.

I have missed you.

I missed you as well.

[SIGHS]

You can relax. I'm not gonna ruin
your chance to have a kid.

I think you'd be a good dad.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Just, if you have a boy, Jason...

just make sure
he doesn't grow up to be a d*ck.

Do my best.

Yeah.

- [TV, INDISTINCT]
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Hiya.

Mm. Hello.

- All right?
- Yeah.

Now, why do you smell
like booze and cigarettes?

'Cause I met up with my ex,
and we spent the evening together.

[NIKKI SNICKERS]

[LAUGHS] You're funny.

[TV CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]

Ooh.

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

- Have you seen the list?
- [NIKKI] What list?

The list. You know, the one
with all of our issues on it.

- I don't know.
- I want to pin it to the fridge,

you know, to focus us.

Table, maybe?

No, I've looked on the table.
It's not there.

[PAPER RUSTLING]

[NIKKI SIGHS]

I mean, yeah,
I definitely put it there.

- You put it there?
- Yeah.

It's just that's where
I picked up the form from.

Did you write the list
on the back of the form?

No.

Hmm?

- I mean, yeah.
- [PAPER RUSTLING]

It was... It was thick. I thought it was...

You know, we've got so much bits of paper
spread around everywhere.

- Oh, my God.
- I like resting on loads of sheets.

It makes my handwriting neater.

- Shit!
- Shit! Shit! Shit!

Why didn't you check
what you were writing on?

I didn't think. Why did you
post a form with writing on the back?

I didn't see it. You distracted me
spraying stuff all over it.

We have sent an adoption agency
a list of all of our character flaws.

It's all right.
We can just deny it was us.

Jason, we literally signed our names
on the bottom of it!

I'm cold.

How long now?

Shouldn't be too long.

[SIGHS]

Bye. I'm off. Okay.

Oi.

- [MUTTERING]
- [BOTTLES CLINKING]

That's it.

Here we go. Up, yeah.

There now.

[DOOR CLOSES]

♪ And all of the others
Cancel out each other ♪

♪ And it's always you left ♪

♪ But you were my no sleep
Cried for weeks ♪

♪ Favourite ex ♪

[SIGHS]

- Now, let me do the talking.
- Okay.

Oh, shit.

[SIGHS]