11x12 - Corn

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to "Last Week Tonight!"
I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.

King Charles
unveiled this official portrait,

depicting him being consumed
by the scarlet fires of hell.

A portal providing live video
between New York and Dublin

was temporarily shut down
after, among other things,

someone flashed it,
which, of course they did.

And all around the country,
there've been graduation ceremonies.

They've been a little chaotic this year,

both because of the protests over Gaza,
but also for weirder reasons,

like an announcer at Thomas Jefferson
University's graduation

struggling to pronounce
some pretty common names.

That is magnificent!

Mispronouncing "Thomas"
at Thomas Jefferson University

is just spectacular.

And the school later
explained that the problem was,

the names
had been spelled phonetically.

For instance, this was the card
for Sarah Virginia Brennan.

While providing phonetic pronunciations
is fairly commonplace for graduations,

what isn't is looking
at the pronunciation, panicking,

swallowing your own tongue,
and then attempting to reinvent Welsh.

But that wasn't even the weirdest
college graduation this year.

At Benedictine College in Kansas,
the kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs

went on an antisemitic, anti-gay,
anti-trans rant, in which he told women

to "embrace one of the most
important titles of all: homemaker",

which is especially wild, coming
from someone whose own mother

is, and this is true,
a physicist specializing

in "brachytherapy and Gamma Knife
medical physics care".

But I guess he is right,
her most important job was probably

raising this absolute ham sandwich
of a man.

Meanwhile, Ohio State
had this "social entrepreneur"

ramble through a speech that he
admitted he'd taken ayahuasca to write,

in which he gave the audience
advice about investing in Bitcoin.

And just today,
Morehouse College had Joe Biden

as their commencement speaker,

and while as of taping
that hasn't happened yet,

I'm sure it went great.

And look,
commencement speeches are hard.

That is why
I've never done one,

no matter how many times
Hogwarts asks me to.

Stop sending me f*cking owls!

But they don't need
to be an absolute disaster.

And perhaps the wildest choice
for speaker this year

came from D'Youville
University in Buffalo,

whose graduation
speaker was this.

Congratulations
to all the graduating students.

I offer you
the following inspirational advice

that is common
at all graduation ceremonies.

Embrace lifelong learning.
Be adaptable.

Pursue your passions. Take risks.
Foster meaningful connections.

Make a positive impact.
And believe in yourself.

Yeah, they had a robot
address their graduating students,

with remarks composed by AI.

And I'm sure students will fondly
remember those stirring words

as robots take all of their jobs
before eventually tracking them down

when they're hiding in a warehouse
during humanity's final hours.

But we're gonna move on
to talk about Europe, Britain's ex.

It's had a tumultuous week.

Slovakia's prime minister barely
survived an assassination attempt,

and in Germany,
the far-right anti-immigrant AfD Party

has been on the rise.

And yes, its logo does look like the
Nike swoosh grew a very sharp penis.

This week, though,
the AfD suffered multiple setbacks,

with one court ruling that they're
a potential threat to democracy,

and another convicting
one of their leading members

on a pretty striking charge.

A prominent figure

in Germany's far-right Alternative
for Germany AfD Party

is standing trial for using
a banned n*zi-era slogan.

Björn Höcke allegedly repeated
the phrase "everything for Germany"

twice at political rallies.

The phrase was once a motto

of the original paramilitary wing
of the n*zi Party.

Höcke denies he was aware
of the origins of the slogan,

claiming it is a common
in everyday phrase.

Yeah, Höcke claimed
that he was unaware

that "everything for Germany"
was a n*zi slogan.

Although I will say,
that is a little hard to believe,

given, one,
those are n*zi eyes right there.

And two,
before going into politics,

he used to be a history teacher
in Germany.

So, unless his version
of German history went,

Middle Ages, then 18th century,
then Otto von Bismarck,

then everyone kind of just hung out
for a while,

then "99 Luftballons",

it's pretty tough to believe.

I know it might seem weird to be
on trial for just saying that slogan.

It's a stark difference
from the U.S.,

where here our Constitution guarantees
virtually unlimited freedom of speech,

except, of course,
when the Supreme Court decides

it's cool for a public university
to ban drag shows.

That happened two months ago.
And yet somehow,

no one flew a Pride flag
upside down on their lawn in protest.

But Germany
has "constitutional safeguards

designed to prevent
authoritarian rule",

for reasons
that should be obvious to everyone

except, I'm guessing,
Germany's worst-ever history teacher.

And in spite of all of this, the AfD
has become increasingly popular.

It's now the second
most popular party in the country.

Höcke himself is now running
to become premier in his state,

essentially, the governor,
in September's regional elections.

If he succeeds, it would be "the first
time since the end of the n*zi regime

that there would be
a far-right party

in control of a state government
in Germany."

The growth of the AfD
is alarming.

And a CNN reporter actually
attended one of their meetings,

although, in doing so, chose to report
on it in a slightly weird way.

Pro and AfD-curious supporters

have gathered to hear
from party officials.

The message
even has Trumpian undertones.

"Our country first", posters say.

Part of the AfD pull for voters
is about luring people

away from some of Germany's
largest political parties

through transparency, they say.

But some of what's being discussed
in this room is warped,

questioning things
like the Covid pandemic

and whether climate change
is even real.

Yeah, I totally agree,
it's all very upsetting,

but did it ever cross your mind
to report on that from, like, outside?

They can hear you!

Your on-screen caption
might as well have said

"Gullible dipshits in here don't
even realize I'm talking about them."

I know these are famously
pretty intolerant people,

but even I have to admit,
they're being surprisingly chill

about someone shit-talking them
during their meeting.

That said, AfD supporters do hold
some deeply worrying views.

I'm glad that someone
is taking care of all this scum

that has spread in our country,
in our beautiful Germany.

If being far-right means living
my life as I've done so far at 68,

that is, studying, working, paying my
taxes, never doing anything wrong,

then being far-right or being a n*zi
cannot be something wrong.

Yeah, okay, but the thing is, that's very
much not what being far-right means.

Lots of people are


and I'd venture to say most
of them are not n*zi enthusiasts,

other than, it seems,
you and Mel Gibson.

The AfD pushes hard-line
anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim policies

and promotes "a return
to traditional German culture".

In 2017, the party's manifesto said,
"Islam does not belong to Germany",

and that same year,
it ran this ad,

which translates to
"Burkas? We like bikinis."

Which is the slogan you get

if you combine the horniness
of a "Female Body Inspector" T-shirt

with the Islamophobia
of the actual FBI.

Though it is pretty clear all of that
talk of loving German traditions

is just a dog whistle,

especially when you discover
how little some of them seem to know

about the culture
they're celebrating.

Just watch as an AfD Party leader
was caught completely off guard

by a literal child.

We would like to see
more German folk songs

taught and more German
poems taught.

That we appreciate our German
thinkers and poets more in the schools.

I think we already have to memorize
quite a lot of poetry.

Your favorite poem, actually?
Your favorite German one?

My favorite poem is…
I'd have to think about it.

Can't remember any
at the moment.

- None?
- No.

Good for that kid.

Dismantling a politician while also
managing to complain about homework.

That has to be embarrassing
for that man,

who got destroyed by someone
whose mom is picking them up

after this interview.

And the AfD has been associated
with much nastier stuff

than just "learn German poetry".

A number of AfD officials
attended a secret meeting

where participants discussed
proposals for "unassimilated citizens"

to be deported
to "a model state in north Africa"

instantly drawing comparisons
to the Nazis' initial plan

to deport European Jews
to Madagascar.

It's all very bleak.
But if there is any good news here,

it's the severity of the backlash
against the AfD from many Germans.

In January, over a million people
rallied in cities across Germany,

with banners and signs
that said things like "no Nazis"

and "voting for AfD is so 1933".

And they clearly knew
what was at stake.

More than 150,000 here outside
the Reichstag with one message:

Germany will not go back
to the dark days.

We've been there already.
You know?

- You can stop them this time?
- I hope, we have to.

You now hear people fantasizing
about deporting millions of Germans

and migrants in Germany
to other countries, wherever it is,

that resonates directly to history.

Yeah, that man is right! And I cannot
tell you how much I appreciate

that not only did he bring
that delightfully composed wiener dog,

it also had the presence of mind
to look straight down the camera,

as if it was waiting
for a record scratch so it could say

"Yep. That's me. You're wondering
how I ended up in this situation".

And a quick note to that CNN reporter:
that is how you report.

Not by whispering
over a speech in progress,

but by identifying people
with perfect dogs

and immediately
going to talk to them.

And while the pushback
to the AfD is inspiring,

the party is not going away
anytime soon.

They're running for seats
in the European Parliament next month,

and there are regional
and national elections on the horizon,

all of which
should be very concerning.

Between the attempted assassination
of a central European leader,

and the rise
of a far-right party in Germany,

Europe really seems to be playing
the 20th century hits right now,

even if at least one
of their former history teachers

refuses to see the similarity.

And now, this!

And now…

Please Enjoy Some Better Names
for the Dogs

From This Year's
Westminster Dog Show.

Quinceanera.

Chef.

Ravioli.

Shopping.

Jason Statham.

Jason Statham.

Football.

Baseball.

Operation Condor
Was A U.S.-Backed Campaign

Of m*rder And Political Repression
That Took Place In South America

From 1975 to 1983.

Eric.

Lady Business.

Weasel.

The Reincarnation
Of King Charles III

And Cher.

Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns corn.

We love it in all of its forms,
from caramel corn,

to the Corn Palace
in South Dakota,

to the mascot
of the Nebraska Cornhuskers,

except, not the modern travesty.
I'm talking about the earlier one,

no, not that demon. The original.
Yeah, that's him.

The guy in regular clothes
with an enormous corncob for a head,

asking the question
"Am I man or am I corn?"

We love corn so much,

we've even found a way to make it
a wholesome family activity.

This Illinois corn maze
is rural sprawl:


with almost 10 miles of trails.

We said, if we're gonna do it,
why not be the world's largest?

The theme changes every year.

That great aerial photograph,
we want people to go

"That's a magnificent picture."

Our Beatles maze in 2013,

I mean, you could see
the faces of The Beatles.

Fifth-graders zigzagging
through a corn maze thinking

"We gotta find a way out,
or this field trip could be our last".

That got dark, quick.

Although I think
even The Beatles would agree,

there is just no better tribute
to their legacy

than having terrified children
wander around Ringo's nostrils

wondering if they'll ever
see their families again.

And because of how much
we love corn,

appealing to the corn growers of
America has always been good politics.

Presidential contenders love
to pander to people in Iowa,

from Obama standing
in front of a cornfield,

to Mitt Romney pretending to be
intently interested in an ear of corn,

to whatever George Bush
thought he was doing here.

There is a long history of American
politicians being weird around corn,

but perhaps no one has ever been
weirder while discussing it than this.

I just met non-liquid gold.
You know where it was? Iowa.

It's called corn. It's non-liquid.
That's what they have.

You have more non-liquid gold.
They said, "What is that?"

I said "Corn".
They said "We love that idea".

That's a pretty cool thought.
That's a nickname in its own way.

But we came up with a new word
for new couple of words for corn.

Yeah, did you, though?

Because "non-liquid gold"
isn't so much a way of describing corn

as it is a way
of describing regular gold.

That's a level
of non-innovation innovation

that we haven't seen since Lyft
invented something called Lyft Shuttle,

which was, and this is true,
the bus.

But he is right.

We are the world's largest
producer, consumer, and exporter

of non-liquid not-gold
in the world.

We also produce more corn
than any other crop in the U.S.

Farming it is a nearly
$90 billion industry,

with farmers planting roughly


And in case you're like me and don't
really understand what an acre is,

it might help to know that cornfields
currently occupy nearly 5%

of the land surface
of the contiguous United States.

And you might already be thinking
"So what? That means that America's

well-stocked for the movies,
barbecues, and house parties

where someone wants
that black bean salsa thing.

Why do you have
to ruin a good thing?"

To which I say, one:
it's a calling and a clarity of purpose.

And two:
of those millions of acres of corn,

only 1% is made
for direct human consumption.

The rest is called field
or dent corn,

which, as these
documentarians discovered,

might look delicious,
but very much isn't.

It's not very good, Ian.

- Tastes like sawdust.
- Yeah. It's disgusting.

- It tastes like chalk.
- I thought it would taste better.

Yeah, it turns out,
sweet corn is as similar to dent corn

as a chocolate bunny
is to a real bunny.

Only one of them
actually tastes good raw.

Now, I should point out,

dent corn is used in a lot
of things that we do consume,

like cornmeal
and high-fructose corn syrup.

It's also used in industrial products,
like paint and plastics.

But in recent years,

such uses have only accounted
for 15% of what we do with dent corn,

with around 40%
being used for livestock feed,

and the final 45% becoming
the gasoline alternative ethanol.

But as you will see,
while corn is incredibly versatile,

the way we've incentivized farming
it has caused downstream harm.

Because it turns out, corn's utter
dominance of American agriculture

comes at the expense
of our environment, our health,

and some of our farming
communities.

Listen to one scientist who grew up
farming sum up how he feels about it.

I go by a field of corn.
Looks beautiful to me.

That comes from having grown
up on a Kansas farm.

If you're not aware

as to what it is that stands
behind all of that agriculture,

you can live with the illusion
that there's nothing wrong.

Right. If you don't know
what's behind those st*lks of corn,

you can easily believe
that there is nothing wrong.

But I've already shown you that there
could well be a bunch of fifth graders

wandering around back there,
running low on supplies.

So, I think we're past
the point of the illusion here.

Given that, tonight, let's talk about
a few of the key problems with corn.

Specifically, how we subsidize it,
how we grow it,

and what we shove it into.

And let's start
with the fact that the U.S.

is incredibly well-suited
to growing corn,

as this professor
explains in a bizarre walk-and-talk.

It's really a tropical crop,
warm season crop.

But the growing season here,
the precipitation,

the rainfall that we get,
the amount of light that we get,

all those things combine
to just be a wonderful,

perfect environment
for it to grow in.

What is happening there? Whose
idea was it to make him do that?

"You know what would make
this point about the perfect climate

of the corn belt
really land for people?

Professor Roger Elmore being
groped by horny st*lks of it."

But while chemical fertilizers,
careful breeding, and new technology

have made farmers able
to grow massive amounts of corn,

government policy
has also played a significant role

by heavily thumbing the scale

in incentivizing
what crops farmers choose to grow.

Modern farm policy was born
during the Great Depression,

when farmers faced a crisis.

Nearly a million lost their farms
in the first four years alone.

And that is when FDR's
administration passed legislation

to drive the price of farmed goods
up during times of oversupply,

by doing things like paying farmers
to plant less.

But a key turning point came
in the 1970s, thanks to,

in large part to a man named,
and this is true, Earl Butz.

His nickname was actually "Rusty",
meaning he was known as,

and this is true again,
Earl "Rusty" Butz.

Anyway, Butz, who was Nixon's
agriculture secretary,

disagreed with the policy
of paying farmers to reduce supply,

and sought to swing the pendulum
all the way in the opposite direction.

With the new Farm Act,

we have experienced a 180-degree turn
in the philosophy of our farm programs.

We've abandoned the longtime
philosophy of curtailment and cutback

to the new philosophy of expansion.

We're going to see
the most massive increase

in production of farm products
ever in the history of this country.

Yeah, Rusty Butz,
a man who looks like he'd probably

one day have to resign
after saying a racial slur,

insisted everyone should
"grow more".

And he did that only a few years
before, unsurprisingly,

resigning after saying a racial slur.

But while he was still in the job,

Butz pushed hard for farmers
to expand their operations.

And Nixon's 1973 Farm Bill
reflected his philosophy.

Farmers would no longer
be paid for not planting crops.

Instead, if prices
fell below a certain target,

the federal government would simply
pay farmers to make up the difference,

significantly reducing
the risk of expanding your operation,

and incentivizing farmers
to go as big as they could.

These policies helped create

almost immediate surpluses
in commodity crops, especially corn.

And similar policies still exist today,
and on top of them,

the government issues subsidies to pay
for parts of a farmer's crop insurance,

which provides coverage
to farmers if their crops fail.

Those subsidies
have amounted to over 60%

of the insurance premiums
in recent years.

And while these policies
sometimes get positioned

as protections
for small family farmers,

the truth is, that is not who reaps
the vast majority of the benefits,

which tend to flow
to the biggest producers.

In fact, over the last 28 years,

the top 10% of farm subsidy recipients
received 79% of the subsidies,

with over a quarter of them
going to the top 1%.

Meanwhile,
the vast majority of farmers

do not benefit
from farm subsidy programs at all.

And that is for many reasons,

not least of which is that
it's much harder for small farms,

which might grow a wider
variety of crops, to qualify for them.

Just listen to this family
explain their small farm's situation!

We grow tomatoes, we grow basil,
we grow cauliflower,

we grow broccoli,
we grow chard and carrots.

We grow the healthiest crops
we possibly can.

I don't think there is a subsidy
for any of the crops we grow.

As far as I'm concerned,

the only subsidies out there
are for the big grain producers.

Okay, first,
let me address something quickly:

that's a f*cked-up looking carrot
that that kid is holding there.

But second, it does feel wrong

that an operation
growing healthy produce

wouldn't receive any subsidies,
even if it is called C'est Naturelle,

which sounds less like
a small family farm

and more like
a PH-balancing douche.

And some big landowners have,
over the years,

developed all sorts of ways
to game the farm-subsidy system.

For instance, payments used
to be capped on a per-farm basis,

so they simply started subdividing
themselves into multiple entities,

each of which could then collect
the maximum payout.

Back in the 2000s,
the GAO pointed out this problem,

noting that one landowner in Arkansas,
David Brooks Griffin,

had split his farm
into 66 smaller ones

and seemed to be listing
his employees as their owners.

Just watch what happened when one
reporter tried to pay Griffin a visit.

We wanted to speak with Mr. Griffin,
shown here leaving on his helicopter,

but he refused.

So, instead, we set out
to find some of the people

Griffin enlisted as owners
of those smaller farms.

It took some hunting for us
to find Quimby Potts.

I'm a partner
in three different farms.

The government lists him as a part
owner of several of the smaller farms.

But like many listed
as owners of paper farms,

Potts appeared to be
an owner in name only.

The records indicate, over three years,
you received $340,000.

- Through the farms.
- Through the farm payments.

- Did you put it in your account?
- Yeah, no!

Yeah, of course "No!"
That is very well said.

And if you're wondering how to tell
who the real owner of the farm is,

it is not the guy
who agreed to that interview,

and it is the guy shown
leaving on his helicopter.

But USDA investigators
said that that was perfectly legal.

And incredibly, some of the rules
have only gotten looser since then.

Under the current farm bill,

that per-farm payment limit
has been scrapped.

And while there is technically a limit
of $125,000 per year, per person,

crucially "there is no cap on how many
people can reach the payment limit".

So, "in addition to more
immediate family members,

parents, siblings and adult children,

cousins, nieces, or nephews
also qualify for payments".

The only real requirement is that you
must be "actively engaged in farming".

But it turns out,
even that doesn't really mean much.

The definition of "actively engaged
in farming" is very vague,

so you can call into a shareholder
meeting every now and then

a few times a year
or do things like have

some small financial risk in the farm
in order to receive payments.

So, you don't have to ever set foot
on a farm to receive these payments.

That's true. You don't have
to even set foot on a farm,

you can just be
the farm owner's cousin.

Which as we're all aware,
can be someone you barely know.

A normal relationship
with your cousin is:

get their holiday card
announcing their third pregnancy,

think "Didn't they say
they hated kids?"

hang the card on your fridge,

and then throw it away
once you stop feeling guilty.

All of which, in my opinion,
doesn't entitle you to $125,000 a year.

It is not like corn is the only crop
that we subsidize in this way.

You could make similar criticisms
of wheat or soybeans.

But the biggest share
of these subsidies in recent decades

have gone to corn,
far surpassing that of any other crop.

Basically, in the world
of agricultural products,

corn is the unquestionable superstar.

Beans wanna be it,
oats wanna f*ck it.

And as the corn industry
has ballooned,

some of the biggest beneficiaries
haven't been the farmers themselves,

but enormous corporations,
from these four companies

that now dominate
the nitrogen fertilizer industry,

to these two that now dominate
nearly three-quarters

of the supply of seeds for corn.

And as the production of corn
has become increasingly industrialized,

the methods that we've used
to supercharge its growth

have taken a toll
on the environment.

Take nitrogen fertilizer.

It is needed to intensively farm
one crop over and over again,

especially if farmers don't take steps
to protect the soil's fertility.

And corn uses the most fertilizer
of all major U.S. crops.

And that can have consequences
that many scientists,

including that guy that you saw
earlier, are very concerned about.

Because nitrogen fertilizer
is the biggest contributor

to a problem that happens when
contaminated water on agricultural land

leaches into groundwater,
or runs off into rivers and streams,

and eventually gets
into our drinking water,

which can cause a condition
with a truly horrifying name.

Since the 1940s,

scientists have warned
that exposure to excess nitrates

can inhibit oxygen
circulation in an infant's blood.

Consuming high-nitrate water will tend
to strip oxygen out of the blood.

And that produces
this blue baby syndrome.

It's true. There is a condition
called "blue baby syndrome",

where excess nitrates
deprive kids of oxygen,

and it can be fatal.

It is so horrifying,
you weren't even registering

that that man
is called "Randy Beavers".

Which in any other situation
would be all anyone cares about.

I do hope we can all at least agree:

no child should ever be turned blue,
unless they disobeyed

Mr. Wonka's clear instructions
about not trying the chewing gum

and are now suffering the only slightly
disproportionate consequences.

And it's not just humans
at risk here,

because when that contaminated runoff
eventually washes into the sea,

it can cause serious problems
in there, too,

as this local news reporter chose to
tell people in a totally normal way.

Here is a little bit
what it's like to be a fish

this time of year in parts
of the Chesapeake Bay.

I can't breathe!
I can't breathe!

That's because
in the hottest part of the summer,

as much as 15% of the bay
has no oxygen in the water.

It's called the dead zone.
I can't breathe!

What are you doing?

The number one thing
you are taught as a child

is not to put a plastic bag
over your head,

and he's doing it on TV,
which is hugely reckless.

Everyone has a plastic bag,
it's not hard to get.

I've got one right here.

But I know
I shouldn't put it on my head,

not even to make a point about the
lack of oxygen in the Chesapeake Bay,

or about how you shouldn't put
a plastic bag on your head on TV.

I could do it. But I shouldn't.
It's tempting, but I won't, I won't.

Children are watching. Not mine.

They've said
"You couldn't pay us to watch".

Which, for what it's worth,
I kind of do.

All their money was first my money.
But that said, it's a no from my kids.

Anyway, I won't do it.

But this isn't goodbye.
It's see you later.

And it's not just the Chesapeake.

The Gulf of Mexico
has a dead zone

that at one point
was the size of New Jersey,

with studies finding farm fertilizer
is the single largest contributor.

Overfarming of corn has also led
to severe erosion in some areas,

which can lead
to hazardous dust storms.

In fact, this storm from last year in
central Illinois k*lled seven people

and directly tied to farmers tilling
their land to plant corn and soybeans.

So, we've talked about
how our subsidies for corn

have caused an increase in production,
and we've talked about how we grow it.

Which brings us to the third set
of problems here: what we put it in.


to feed cows, hogs, and poultry.

And while livestock
has always been fed some corn,

the use of it has been turbocharged
by the fact it is now so cheap.

As one journalist has written,

taxpayer subsidies for corn
have served as "financial jet fuel"

for a new breed
of industrial meat producers,

because feed is their biggest cost.

These animals aren't evolved to have
a diet that is predominantly corn.

It's bad for their digestive system,
as this man in a car

explains to those two documentarians
that you saw earlier,

in a weirdly cheery way.

What are you eating
for lunch here today?

Corn-fed beef!

Do you know anything
about corn-fed beef?

Do you know what it does to 'em?
To the cattle.

It's a good thing
they slaughter when they do,

because it kills them to feed them,
to make the meat like that.

They'd be dead in six months anyway,
eating that stuff.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Where is this?

Every major confinement
feedlot everywhere.

Honestly, I kind of love that guy.

He should be the mascot
for every fast-food chain.

f*ck Ronald McDonald, this is
the most accurate mascot imaginable:

an impossibly American man
who thinks the food tastes good,

knows it's tied to suffering,

and ultimately just wants to bring
his wildcard energy to the parking lot.

This is my Burger King right here.

And the problems corn causes
for the digestive systems of livestock

can leave cattle
more susceptible to liver abscesses,

which is a major reason
why antibiotics are often added

to the feed
of entire herds of beef cattle,

a practice
that the WHO has discouraged

out of concern that it's contributing
to expanding antibiotic resistance.

And I admit, it is much less fun
to learn about that from me

than it would've been from that guy
absolutely housing his cheeseburger.

"Yeah, medicated feed might
give us all antibiotic-resistant UTIs.

Bon appetit! Corn-fed beef!"

But maybe the most ridiculous way
that we use corn is ethanol,

which, remember, accounts for


Ethanol used to be known
as gasohol,

and while it's been around
since the '30s,

it was during the 1970s energy
crisis that it really took off,

with boosters like this Illinois
agriculture official leading the way,

with an unfortunate
historical analogy.

Mr. Mavis,
why are you so high on gasohol?

As you can tell,
I have some age on me, Charlayne,

and probably since Pearl Harbor
it's the only thing

I've seen that's been good
for all of America.

That's a pretty weird way
to characterize Pearl Harbor,

the surprise attack
that k*lled over 2.400 people

and led to the U.S.
entering World w*r II.

But let's give that guy a break,
he probably just misspoke.

I'm sure he won't say it again.

It burns
without use of tetraethyl lead,

eliminates an EPA problem, it
employs people in America,

it takes an agricultural surplus
that's k*lling us

and turns it into dollars
instead of storage,

it's that Pearl Harbor
we've needed.

Okay…

The first time he said it,
I thought

"I don't think Al Mavis
knows what Pearl Harbor is".

The second time I thought "Maybe
I don't know what Pearl Harbor is".

'Cause what is going on there?

Was Al Mavis, of the Illinois
Department of Agriculture,

an admiral
in the Japanese Navy?

'Cause I don't know
what the other explanations could be.

I'm just saying, at this point,
I can only assume that the people

who knew him spent 9/11 tearfully going
"Al would have loved this".

But Al Mavis got his way.

Basically, in an attempt to reduce
our dependency on foreign oil,

we passed
the Energy Tax Act of 1978,

which encouraged
the use of gasohol, or ethanol.

But what set the wheels in motion
for our huge ethanol industry today

was the 2005 Energy Bill that created
the Renewable Fuel Standard,

which mandated that a certain
amount of renewable fuel

had to be blended
into the domestic gasoline supply.

Essentially,
every gallon of domestic gasoline

now legally has to have
at least a little bit of ethanol in it,

the same way
that every pop album

currently has to have at least
a little bit of Jack Antonoff.

It's just the law now.

That mandate created even more
demand for corn in the domestic market.

And some, like this Iowa farmer,
were thrilled by that!

We've seen our yields raise
quite a bit in the last several years

and we needed a place
for this extra corn to be going,

and ethanol has filled that for us.

I'm sure there are some negatives,

but I guess I'm not thinking
of them right now.

Yeah, I'm sure you're not.

But to be fair,
that is not really your job.

Unfortunately, though, it is mine.

Thinking of the negatives
is pretty much all I do here,

along with speaking
the negatives out loud

and making jokes about the negatives
all while modeling the latest suits

from Sir Michael Gambon's
Haberdashery

for Oddly Long Gentlemen.

And the truth is, there are lots
of negatives when it comes to ethanol,

mainly because the positives
have been so wildly overstated.

While ethanol lobbying groups

have long argued
that it slashes greenhouse emissions,

one recent study found that,
thanks to the fertilizer

and land-use changes
needed to grow the corn for it,

corn ethanol produced
under the Renewable Fuel Standard

has a carbon footprint at least


On top of that, the demand for ethanol
is now expanding corn production

to areas where it is much
less-suited to be grown,

places like Texas
and western Kansas,

where the shortage of water means
that corn fields need to be irrigated.

But that is a real problem,
because corn is a water-intensive crop,

and it can take
hundreds of gallons of water

to produce
a single gallon of ethanol.

And this is all happening even as

"groundwater is being dangerously
depleted nationwide".

And that brings
us back to our larger point here.

While for some big farm operations,

and especially the big companies
that benefit from corn,

there may be no negatives
to the current way that we produce it,

for everyone else, there really are,

from dust storms
to sick cows to blue babies

to this reporter
from your absolute nightmares.

So, what can we do?

I would argue that we have to rethink
the Renewable Fuel Standard,

because it just makes no sense.

But on top of that, we might want
to significantly reset our farm policy.

One idea that's been floated

is to make the federal safety net
for farmers contingent

on them having a strategy
for things like preserving topsoil,

controlling chemical runoff, and
reducing greenhouse gas emissions.

And the good news is, the farm bill
is actually currently up for renewal,

and we could do all of that!

The bad news is, as you have seen,
there are powerful interests

with no reason to want
the status quo to change at all.

But it just has to. And let me be clear,
this is not a takedown of corn.

I know for large swaths of America,

it's an understandable symbol of pride
and source of jobs.

I also get that it is frustrating to be
lectured about it or be pandered to

by a politician pretending
to be fascinated by its ears.

But I do think it is long past time
that we shift our farming policy

when it comes
to America's number-one crop.

And maybe the best way
to drive this home is to explain it

in the way that people seem to most
enjoy being educated about corn,

and that is, watching someone
be absolutely assaulted by it.

Corn is as beautiful to watch grow
as it is to eat slathered in butter.

But unless we force the government
and the handful of large companies

that control this industry
to change their priorities,

we're gonna be stuck where we are,
like a bunch of fifth-graders

in the world's largest corn maze
begging for our f*cking lives.

That is our show.
Thanks so much for watching.

We're off next week,
we're back the week after that.

Good night!

How the f*ck do I get out of here?

Is it this way?

Get off me! Get off me!
Give me some personal space.

I don't like to be touched by corn,
or honestly anybody.

Millions of Germans
and migrants in Germany…