03x07 - The Deborah Vance Christmas Spectacular

[bunniefuu]

[Darlene Love's "Christmas
[Baby Please Come Home]"]

♪ ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ The snow's coming down ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ I'm watching it fall ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Lots of people around ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ The church bells in town ♪

Do you have
a loose pelvic floor?

Excuse me?

The thing is,
there's a lot of money

in pharmaceutical ads,
but you have to have

the condition they treat

in order to legally
endorse them.

Uh, no, I do not have
a loose pelvic floor.

- Congratulations.
- OK. Irritable bowel syndrome.

- No.
- You never walk with a walker.

No, you're not blind.

Um, Von Willebrand's?

I don't even know what that is.

- OK, so maybe you have it.
- We can get you tested.

Because if you don't know
what it is,

- we should get you tested.
- OK.

Let's just circle that
as a maybe.

- OK.
- OK. Uh, bacne?

Little pimples all over
your back and your butt?

- No.
- Oh, herpes?

- Herpes?
- Herpes is young.

- Could be oral.
- OK.

Everybody has herpes.

Stop.

This is so depressing.

Clinically depressing?

You feel like
it's a medical issue?

'Cause we could use that.

How often are the happy days?

- Jesus.
- OK. Sorry.

Thank you.

Mm.

I hate seeing my girlina so sad.

God, this is so annoying.

I hate giving up.

We were so close.

Nobody hates it more than me.

But it's over, Jimbo.

It's a done deal.

You know what? No.

It's not over until
Jack Danby is on the air.

Damn straight.

We can sabotage.

I can find some dirt on him
to scare off the network.

Mm.

He's probably a nasty,
nasty boy.

Probably can't even come

without a f*cking g*n
in his mouth.

Yikes. Excuse me?

[chuckles]
I got this, my friend.

[laughs]
Whoo!

It's gonna be good!

Kayla, you left
your notebook and your...

your bag with your phone
and your inhaler.

[coughs]

[horns honking]

[upbeat music]

Ava! Ava!

Mom, I've been waiting
for 40 minutes.

I was playing slots
in the airport.

How Vegas is that?

- I love it here.
- Oh.

Should I move here
to be closer to you?

Mom, I'm moving
back to LA in two weeks,

and you've only seen
the airport.

Right.
Oh, and I brought your old

Abercrombie and Fitch
miniskirts.

Why?

Those are linked
to incredibly painful memories.

Well, I was gonna
throw them away,

but Priya says
they're back in style.

Who's Priya?

She's my roommate.

Mom, what?

Ever since the Vibamins
class action suit

didn't go my way, I have started

renting your room
for passive income.

OK.

Anyway, Priya's from Bangladesh.

She's getting
her graduate degree

in biochemistry from Brandeis.

She's a genius.

- Cool.
- Yeah, it's working out great.

She does the cooking,
I do the cleaning,

and then we go to a fun new
restaurant every Wednesday.

I always thought restaurants
were a waste of money,

but they're fun!

- Yeah, restaurants are good.
- Yeah.

Oh, before I forget,
Deborah's a size 7 shoe, right?

That's what
celebfeetfacts.com says.

Mom, please tell me
you didn't buy Deborah shoes.

No, slippers.

Everyone loves
a Christmas slipper, everybody.

And I needed to thank her
for inviting me

after I texted her
that I wanted to come.

[horn honking]
What?

Oh... oh, my God,
she's flipping us...

- Whoa.
- Ava, drive! Drive!

- I'm trying!
- She... look!

No, f*ck you!

- Sorry. Sorry.
- God!

It's Christmas,
you m*therf*cker!

[upbeat festive music]

You've been waking up
when your alarm goes off,

right, sweetie?

Yeah, I'm doing really good.

Hard to believe, working
for that backstabbing bastard.

He is not a bastard, Daddy.

He's a great guy
and an amazing boss.

I love Jimmy.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

But you're doing
really, really good.

I heard Jack Danby's about
to be the new late night host.

- [chuckles]
- Let's celebrate that.

Well,
that's a relief, to be honest.

Why? Sexual assaulter?

Worse.

Wannabe dramatic actor.

Why is it that every comedian
wants to do some sappy drama?

If you want to be gay,
just be gay.

- Gays rock.
- Mm.

- [laughs]
- Get this.

He wanted to do
a Fatty Arbuckle biopic.

Who?

Fatty Arbuckle.

He was the biggest movie star
in the world in the 1920s,

in the silent era.

He was a comedian.

Well,
Jack's been on me for years

to try to get the rights
from the weird Arbuckle family.

Thank God I convinced him
to take this new gig.

- He let that go.
- Hmm.

Why is it
that every single client

that keeps the lights on
has to be

the biggest pain in the ass?

Oh, God, tell me about it!

ACAB...
All Clients Are Bastards.

[chuckles]

I'm surprised you wrap
your own gifts.

Nobody does French edges
like I do.

You could put somebody's
eye out with my corners.

So, um,

Kathy's definitely coming?

Yes.

How are you feeling about that?

Don't have
any feelings about it.

I'm doing it for DJ.

OK. Well, I'm nervous.

Don't be silly.
It's Christmas.

We'll be cordial,
I'll be a fabulous host,

and that'll be that.

Hey, Deborah,
the caterers are asking

if you want hard sauce
on the figgy pudding.

- Yeah.
- Great.

I will make sure
it's hard on the day.

You're making Damien work
on Christmas?

He doesn't celebrate Christmas.

He's a Jehovah's Witness.
That's why I hired him.

He doesn't do holidays, birthdays.

It's fantastic.

You need to get religion
to work for you

when you're trying
to get around labor laws.

Write that down.

[inhales sharply]

I don't think you want
that paper trail.

Fingers crossed.
[knocks]

No solicitation.

I'm a registered independent.

Oh, no, we're not solicitors.

We're looking
for a Mr. Larry Arbuckle, sir.

That's me.
What do you want?

Well, my name is
Jimmy LuSaque Jr.,

and this is Kayla Schaefer.

And we were hoping
to talk to you

about a potential film project
about your grandfather, Fatty.

I already told producers
I'm not interested.

But did those producers come
right up to your door, sir?

No! Which I appreciated.

Well, it's only because
we are so passionate.

And we really think
you should hear us out.

If you could just give us two
minutes of your time to talk.

I'm busy today.

But you can come back,
uh, Monday, 2:00 p.m.

Great. Oh, you know what?
Monday's Christmas Day.

That's the day I'm available.

Goodbye.
[door slams]

[gasps]
Hmm.

Must be Jewish.

But no mezuzah.

That's weird.

You know,
the Jewish thing on the door?

Yeah, yeah.

[The Ronettes' "Sleigh Ride"]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Just hear
those sleigh bells jingling ♪

♪ Ring-tingle-tingling too ♪

[gasps]
Nutcrackers!

I just think it looks weird

when a baby doesn't have
pierced ears.

Babe, oh, my God.

I'm nervous.
I'm really nervous.

- Have you ever met Kathy?
- I feel like I have.

Deborah made me go through
her childhood photos

and scratch all her eyes out.

[laughter]
[doorbell rings]

Excuse me.
I'll get the door.

♪ Ring-a-ling-a
ding-dong-ding ♪

[breathes deeply]

- Mayor's here!
- Oh, Jesus.

Oh, no.
That's the birthday boy, right?

[laughs]

Hey, listen,
I'm just swinging by.

I gotta be at the children's
hospital in an hour.

But I did not want to miss
your famous baked brie.

Don't tell me where it is.
I can smell it.

Hi, Debbie.

Kathy, hi.

Come in.

OK.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

How was your flight?

Oh, it was... it was OK.

Good. Excellent.

Good, good, good.
[dogs barking]

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

Here.
Damien!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Barry, Cara, no, stop!

I am... I am so sorry.

Psst, psst.
Hey! Hello.

Come on. Come on.

Wow.

It's almost like
they were trained to do that.

They were.
[laughs]

[chuckles] Well,
thank you for inviting me.

I really appreciate
the invitation.

Sure.

To start with,
I just want to say,

- I hope that tonight we can...
- Can I take your things?

Oh.

Sure, of course.

Thank you.

Be right back.

[retches]

[toilet flushes]

[breathing heavily]

[sniffles]

Should we join
the other fabulous guests?

Yes.

Oh!

Is this a replica of your house?

Yes, it is.
To scale, and edible.

Fun!

Isn't it?

Oh, there she is.

Oh!
Merry Christmas, honey.

- Hi!
- Oh, look at you.

- You're glowing.
- Oh, no.

Actually,
I'm just really sweaty.

But thank you.

Kathy, this is Aidan,
DJ's husband.

- Nice to see you again.
- We've met. Hi.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

- Oh.
- Yeah, well, they met...

they've met once.

- They met one time.
- Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know.

Well, then you know
what a great guy he is.

I love my big son.

Aww, Mom.

- [chuckles]
- Your what?

I'll be home
in time for dinner, Mom.

I just have to convince someone
to let a comedian

make a biopic
of his grandfather's story

so another comedian can get
that first comedian's job.

It does make sense.

I gotta go.
Love you. Bye.

You forget
how to knock on a door?

[laughter]
Come in!

Thank you.

Keep your shoes on.

Will do. OK.

Planning on it.

Wow.
This is so beautiful.

Ugh, so old-world.
I love older homes.

You know, so much character.

Oh, yes.

- Creaky.
- Yeah.

So, um, is it just you here?

Oh, no.
You have to meet Sasha.

Follow me.

Sasha could be a Jewish name.

What is this? Stop.

[jazzy festive music]

Oh, Deborah, I met your sister.

She is so funny.
[laughs]

- She is?
- Yes.

Guess it runs
in the family, huh?

[laughter]

Oh, boots!

- Oh, oh!
- Oh, my God.

- I know those boots.
- Oh, who could this be?

Oh, my God.

A visitor from the North Pole!

- It's Santa!
- [chuckles]

This is my favorite house
on my entire route.

Santa had
such a good time last year,

he skipped South America.

[laughter]

OK, it's time for everybody's
Christmas portrait

before the dinner bloat sets in.

Need a blotting tissue?
Blotting tissue?

DJ, sweetie,
come sit on Mommy's lap.

- What?
- It's a tradition.

Last time I sat on your lap,
I was eight

and you said I had a bony ass.

Well, you did.
[both chuckle]

Oh, no, no.
You look great.

Cheese!

- OK, should we do a silly one?
- No.

We're on a really
tight schedule.

Santa, proceed.

Oh, Santa's got Dyson Airwraps

for all the good little boys
and girls.

Wow!
[excited chatter]

Hey, what are you talking about?

You're bald. No, I'll take it.

It's for my mother.
It's for my mother.

Dive!

Dive, Sasha!

Dive!
[hawk cries]

- Oh, wow!
- Oh, sister!

[yelping]
Oh, she is majestic.

- Look at that gorgeous bird.
- Oh, my God.

Um, would you like
to take her, though?

- Do you want to...
- No, she loves you.

Oh, yeah.
She's obsessed with you, Jimmy.

Remember when the Olsen twins
were obsessed with you?

The Olsen twins
were obsessed with him.

- Oh.
- Yeah, it was very sweet.

Anyway, um, the reason
we came here today is,

we want to talk about
your grandfather's story.

- Oh.
- There is an amazing

comedic artist, Jack Danby,

and he's really interested
in telling it.

I don't want anyone telling
my grandfather's story.

[sighs]

Because the truth is,

I've already told it.

What do you mean?

I wrote my own screenplay.

- Both: Oh.
- Well...

- OK.
- I would love to read it.

You want to read it?

I would be honored.

OK, then let's go.

You ever watch birds have sex
on a live cam?

- Kayla...
- What? I'm just curious.

OK, how did you get this way?

["Ding Dong Merrily on High"
playing]

♪ ♪

Hi there.

I think dinner is being served.

Oh, OK.

Thank you.

Sorry, I don't think we've met.

I'm Ava. I write for Deborah.

Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm Kathy.

You too.

I sent her this a while ago.

I... I didn't even think
she'd open it.

Yeah, I remember.

She was really happy
that you did.

Really?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Should we...

Sure.

It's the 13th door on the right.

[laughs]
I'll just follow you.

Yeah.

[paper rustling]

My life's work.

- Wow.
- Thick.

OK.

- Very heavy.
- Yeah.

Um, well, OK.
Thank you so much.

I'm very excited
to read this over break.

No!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's my only copy.

If you read it,
you have to read it here.

Oh.

Um, now?

Yes, Jim.

OK. Um, sure.

Yeah, I could do that.

Yeah, quick reader.

Tremendous! Ha.

I'll go check on the lamb.

- Huh?
- The lamb?

It is Christmas, after all.

Oh, yeah.

[phone buzzes]

Oh, shit.

My mom just texted,
"I'm pissed."

That means she's pissed.

Now he wants us to eat with him?

Oh, my God.

Jimmy, he's not Jewish!

OK, Kayla,
nobody else is thinking about

if he's Jewish or not, OK?

This is making me
feel uncomfortable.

Oh, my God, what the hell?

I'm not antisemitic.

Is that what you're implying?

I had a bat mitzvah, and I'm
not even f*cking Jewish.

Wait, what?

Well, everybody else was
having one.

- Am I gonna not have one?
- Yeah!

Also, I was at that bat mitzvah.

- I have a T-shirt.
- Yeah, and you had a lot

of fun on the dance floor,
so you're welcome.

Yeah, because I thought
I was at a bat mitzvah,

a legit bat mitzvah,
a real Jewish bat mitzvah.

But no, I was at a gentile's
costume party of a bat mitzvah?

- That is bad.
- Whatever.

The point is, he's not Jewish.
He's lonely.

He doesn't want
to spend Christmas alone.

That's why he's trying
to get us to stay here

and read his script
and eat his lamb

and play with his crazy bird.

It's actually really sad.
I feel like I'm gonna cry.

Oh, that is really sad.

The lamb has still got
a little life yet.

[chuckles]

Do you like the title page?

I do.

Um, so my mom
actually loves lamb.

And I was wondering,
I don't know,

would you ever consider
coming with me

to her house for Christmas?

I could read the script
in the car on the way.

You know what?

Yes.

[laughs] We can spend
Christmas together.

- We?
- My parents are in Aspen.

They forgot to text me.

So as you're reading it,
for Fatty's wife,

I'm thinking either Kathy Bates

or Cicely Tyson.

Wow.
Hard call.

- Hard call.
- Uh-huh.

But let's see who's available.

- Yeah!
- They're both good, yeah.

One's dead.

[festive piano music]

♪ ♪

God.

No chutney, huh?

- You want chutney?
- Yeah.

Priya always incorporates it,

and now I'm addicted
to the kick.

I love chutney.

Mmm.

So have you been seeing anyone?

No.

But I have plenty of sex.

Oh.

Good for you.

What do you...

what do you do
in your spare time?

Oh, I volunteer
at the Salvation Army.

- Oh.
- This time of year is

really busy for us, obviously.

So I actually have been
feeling kind of guilty

that I've neglected my post.

I mean, we can get you a bell,

you can take it outside.

[both laugh]

- Kidding.
- Yeah.

[chuckles nervously]

[clears throat]

- Goose?
- No, I'm good.

- Oh! No.
- Thank you.

Thank you.
Sorry.

This pregnancy
has me off poultry.

If I even see a feather, I gag.

- Had to get rid of our duvet.
- Mm-hmm.

I have never been interested
in being pregnant.

Of course, I have been.
But ugh, gross.

[coughs]

Would you mind getting me
some rolls down here?

You know, I went to Priya's
a cappella competition

last week, and the girls
from Northeastern

destroyed Brandeis.

But Priya was the real standout.

Even the woman
next to me said so,

and she had no idea
that we were roommates.

That's nice
you went to support her.

Well, she's like
the daughter I never had.

What... what about me?

Oh, you're the daughter
I did have.

Ava.

OK, whatever.

Would you like some goose?

Oh, no thank you.
I don't eat meat.

Oh.

What?

Yeah, for 30 years now.

You used to eat sausage
three links at a time.

Well, yeah, maybe as a kid.

But I can't.

I mean, the meat industry
is horrendous.

Oh, tell me about it.

I mean, have you seen the way
they force-feed the animals?

- Yeah.
- Could you pass me the goose?

- Oh, sure.
- Yeah, I'd love it.

[clears throat]

I got your goose!
[laughter]

You are so silly.

[laughter]

Do you like the font?

Yeah.

I put the jokes in Comic Sans

so you know
they're supposed to be funny.

Ah, now that makes sense.
OK, I get it.

You know, most scripts
stick to one font.

But that's a missed
opportunity, 'cause this is...

it makes it voice-y,
which is good.

- It's fun.
- Very voice-y.

[clears throat]

Do you think it's confusing

that there's another character
named Fatty?

There is?

- Uh-huh.
- OK, I'm sorry.

I think I have
to start over, then,

'cause I did not realize that.

Just put in Fatty One
and Fatty Two, obviously.

- There you go.
- Make it more clear, right?

Yeah. Keep going.

- OK.
- Keep going.

Do you think
it's too character-damaging

that Fatty steals
from his sister's piggy bank?

No, no,
you... I think you justify it

because of his desperate need
for "sody pop."

- Oh.
- So he wants it bad, and...

- Maybe.
- It's an addiction.

I think it's an addiction,

and it's like, you know,
any addiction.

Just keep...
keep reading, yeah.

Boy, women drivers.

Amazing.

♪ ♪

Ooh, Prada!

All: Ooh.

Thank you, Deborah.

You're welcome.

- Whoo!
- That's nice.

OK, time for DJ's big present.

She always opens
her little gifts from Santa

on Christmas morning,
but after we eat dinner,

she gets her big one from me.

Uh, Damien, bring it in.

- Oh, a little baby jail.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Oh, wow.
- Ooh.

Isn't it gorgeous?

It's so pretty.

- Thank you, Mom.
- Oh, you're welcome.

Mom, thank you so much.
That's amazing, babe.

Now we can have
one for our house,

and we can have one for here.

- Uh...
- What do you mean?

- What?
- You already have a crib?

- Well...
- Um...

I thought...
I thought you weren't buying

anything for the nursery
till the third trimester.

No.
That's true, and I didn't.

It was just a gift.

From who?

Um...

I... I got it for them.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure
Filene's Basement has

an excellent return policy.

- Mom, come on.
- No, no.

I... I just...
you know, I didn't realize

you two were that close.

I... it's lovely.

[clears throat]

You know, I think I will go
help myself to some dessert.

Can I get anyone anything?

Oh, I'd like a chai
if there is any.

Mom.

I'll see.

Since when?
Since when?

I'm sorry, Mom.

We'll use both.
Please don't be upset.

No, I'm not upset.

Why would I be upset?

- [gingerbread cracks]
- Oh, sh**t!

Darn it!
sh**t, sh**t, sh**t.

- What did you do?
- Nothing.

- What did you do?
- Uh, nothing.

I was just reaching
for this gumdrop...

It's decorative!

What? Why would you...

I thought you said
it was edible.

Well, just because it's edible

doesn't mean you can eat it!

I'm sorry, Deborah.

It's ruined.

♪ ♪

Joanne, you can put that
on the table for me, please.

Thank you.

- Hey, Mom?
- Oh.

Hi.
Merry Christmas.

Finally!

- There you are.
- Hi.

- Sorry we're late.
- Oh.

Um, Mom, this is Larry.

Larry, this is my mother,
Deidre.

And um, Larry's brought lamb.

Oh. Hi, Larry.

Hi.

You know, the only thing
I like more than lamb

is a man who knows
how to cook it.

Oh, well,
try it before you propose.

[laughing]
Oh! And you're funny.

I like funny, and I'm a hugger.

Come on. Bring it in.

- OK, new dad alert.
- Kayla.

- They have chemistry.
- Cool it.

["Hark!
The Herald Angels Sing" plays]

♪ ♪

I'm sorry about the gingerbread.

Well, you were always good
at wrecking homes.

[sighs]

I didn't mean to overstep
with the crib.

It's just...
I'm excited about the baby.

You and DJ are the only family
I have left,

and you're not exactly
in my life.

And whose fault is that?

Mine.

And I'm sorry.

There's not a day
I don't feel sorry.

I... I've tried to say that
to you for so long.

Well, you stopped.

Yeah,
because I saw your special.

I was nice to you in my special.

I mean, I took ownership
and all that crap.

Exactly.

It seemed like you understood
how complicated it was.

It almost sounded
like you forgave me.

But then I still
never heard from you,

and that just broke my heart,
Deborah.

Where are you going?

I don't want to see you cry.

It's OK if I cry.
I'm sad.

You do not get to be sad.

I lost my family.

I lost everything!

I never meant
for that to happen.

- Why'd you do it?
- [sighs]

I didn't come here
to make excuses

for something that happened
so long ago.

Oh, please.

No, I would love
a f*cking excuse.

Fine.

[sighs]

That summer you went
to make that movie,

and I moved into the house
to help with DJ...

and, uh, it only happened
a couple times,

but I felt horrible,
and I ended it.

But then you got late night,
and Frank got really jealous

and told you about us, I think
to throw you off your game.

Oh. Oh, I see.

It was my fault
because I was ambitious?

Give me a break.

You just asked me to explain!

Look, I'm your sister,
and I shouldn't have done it.

But you two
weren't even sleeping

in the same room for months.

He made the first move,
and I was only 19 years old,

so give me a f*cking break.

You stayed married to him.

Yeah, because he made me happy.

I mean,
you don't want to hear this,

but we were a better match
than you two were.

And thank God, because...

because I lost my sister for it.

Well, I'm sorry
you've been in so much pain.

Well, I have been.

I've also paid for it.

I've taken all your punishment
over the years.

Billboards for all
your specials on my street.

You told Katie Couric
I can't read.

- That was a joke.
- [chuckles] Oh.

You had missing person posters
with my picture on it

made up
and put all over Monterey

with my phone number.

I got phone calls for months
from people

saying they'd seen me
in the supermarket,

and I looked horrible.

[snorts]

- It's not funny.
- [laughs]

No, it's not funny.

It's hysterical.

[laughing]

- Oh!
- Oh!

- That's expensive snow!
- Oh, my God.

God damn it!

[grunts]

Oh!

Ow! Oh, my God!

Ow, it burns!
Why does it burn?

- Shit!
- Chemicals!

- It's methylene chloride!
- What?

It's the only way you can get
a six-sided crystal!

Then why would you
throw it at me?

- 'Cause you started it!
- Ow!

- [crying]
- Oh, God, come here!

Come here.

Oh, my God.
Shit!

Watch out, watch out,
watch out, watch out.

- Oh!
- Careful.

- Ow.
- Oh, stop.

- Over here.
- It's burning.

Get some water on your face.

Oh, my God.

Here, I've got...
I've got a... here.

Here... here's a tissue.

Oh, God.

Oh.

- Is it better?
- No.

[mockingly]
No.

Ow.

[inhales sharply]

Listen, I...

I appreciate
you inviting me for DJ,

but she shouldn't have
forced it.

She didn't.

I was also hoping that
I could, you know, do this.

I don't think I can.

Debbie, you have so much.

- Oh, God.
- You have...

- Yeah.
- An incredible career.

You have a beautiful daughter.

You have a grandchild
on the way.

You've got six-sided crystals.

I just wish you could get over
not having Frank.

It wasn't just that he left me.

It was that you left me too.

I was really hoping
this would be nice.

But, um,

I'm just still so angry at you.

I don't want to be, but I am.

Well, that's something.

I thought you loved being angry.

You kidding?

Frown lines are
the hardest to treat.

[sighs]

I don't want it to be like this.

Mom wouldn't have wanted it
to be like this.

No, she wouldn't.

Well, maybe Christmas
wasn't the best time

to have tried this.

Maybe we could try it
some other time, just us?

Yeah.

OK.

Great.

And I'm sorry again
about the gingerbread house.

That was insane.

[laughs]

Sorry.

Ava, my God,
look at this right now!

I am in freaking "Willy Wonka."

Is... is there
a Willy Wonka town?

- Because I am in it.
- Ugh.

[chuckles]

Weren't you supposed
to, like, go visit sick kids?

Oh, shit.

- What time is it?
- I think, like, 8:00-ish.

Oh, God.
It's too late.

Visiting hours are over.

What are you gonna do,
you know what I mean?

I can't do everything.

Plus, they got clowns and dogs
and stuff to entertain 'em.

They're OK.

God, I gotta go to the bathroom.

I gotta go number three,
if you know what I mean.

[chuckles]

[laughs]

Have you seen
"Slumdog Millionaire"?

OK.
[scoffs]

I gotta be honest, Mom, this is
starting to feel really weird.

Like, you're, like,

fetishizing South Asian culture
or something.

Why would you say that?
I do not have a fetish.

That's a nasty word.

No, I... I just mean
it feels like

you're kind of appropriating it.

I mean, is it so bad that
I'm enjoying a new culture?

I'm trying new food,
I'm... I'm wearing this bindi.

You're not wearing a bindi.

Well, I...
shit, where's my bindi?

I... I had a bindi.

I... it fell off.

I mean, Ava, I mean, is it...
is it a fetish any time

a white person decides to take
an interest in a culture

that isn't their own?

Because then I'm proud
to have a fetish, OK?

I mean, it's hard being
an immigrant in this country

right now, at least according
to a little program

called "On the Contrary."

You don't watch
"On the Contrary."

Every Sunday.

And if I don't think
something's funny,

then Priya tells me
why it's funny,

and then I get it.

I mean, is that a fetish, Ava?

No. No, it's not.

It's, um, really nice, actually.

- OK.
- Thank you, Mom.

You're welcome.

And now I want you to try this,

because what I did is,

I dumped coriander
all over this fudge.

- [laughs]
- It's really delicious.

It's just like
your grandmother used to make,

except now with coriander.

- Uh...
- Right?

- Oh, my God.
- [gags]

- Oh, come on.
- No.

So Fatty said, "You know what
would make it really funny?

If you did it with a mustache."

[laughter]

And that kid was
Charlie g*dd*mn Chaplin!

- [laughter]
- No!

Yes!

[laughter]

That is the best twist
I've ever heard.

Even better than an evil twin.

- [laughter]
- Evil twin? [laughs]

Kayla, sweetie,
would you give me

a hand clearing, please?

Absolutely, gorgeous.

Well, what do you think?

Honestly, I think you could
lose the dream sequence.

- Which one?
- All of them,

especially the sex dream
about Clara Bow.

And you know,
you might want to use one font.

Aw.

But look, I didn't know what
to expect in the beginning.

And obviously,
it could use some edits.

But I think it's actually
a really good script.

- Do you mean that?
- I do.

I mean,
you're an amazing writer.

I can't believe
it's your first script.

And the story is so compelling.

I really think you should think
about making this

with Jack Danby.

He's super-hot right now,
and attaching him

could get something
like this made.

I'll tell you what.

I don't know
this Jack character.

But after today,
I know this much, Jimmy.

I like you.

And no surprise
with a mother like that.

[laughs]

So I'll do it on one condition.

You produce it.

Oh. OK.

Sure. Yeah. Deal.

This Jack guy is really lucky
to have you as a manager.

Oh, he doesn't even know.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [laughs]
- Why did you get me this?

It's fun.
Just chop the blocks.

I am!

Ah!
Ah!

- Deborah. Deborah!
- What?

Jimmy's on the phone.

Well, ask him what he wants.

She's busy working.
What is it?

You're back in the mix
for late night.

Holy shit!

How?

Danby's out.

Pursuing dramatic roles.

It's between you
and the X Games guy.

Oh, my God.

[laughs]
Jimmy?

It's a Christmas miracle!

♪ It's the most wonderful time ♪

♪ Of the year ♪

♪ With the kids
jingle-belling ♪

♪ And everyone telling you,
"Be of good cheer" ♪

♪ It's the most
wonderful time ♪

♪ Of the year ♪

♪ It's the hap-happiest
season ♪

♪ Of all ♪

♪ With those
holiday greetings ♪

♪ And gay happy meetings
when friends come to call ♪

♪ It's the hap-happiest
season ♪

♪ Of all ♪

♪ There'll be parties
for hosting ♪

♪ Marshmallows for toasting ♪

♪ And caroling
out in the snow ♪

♪ There'll be
scary ghost stories ♪

♪ And tales of the glories ♪

♪ Of Christmases
long, long ago ♪

♪ It's the most
wonderful time ♪

♪ Of the year ♪

♪ There'll be
much mistletoeing ♪

♪ And hearts will be glowing
when loved ones are near ♪

♪ It's the most
wonderful time ♪

♪ Of the year ♪