[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura♪
All righty, then.
♪ Pet detective on the run♪
[LAUGHS]
[TRUMPETS]
♪ Ace Ventura♪
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n♪
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Aah!
Aah!
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, I certainly hope you two are enjoying the ride.
Just sit back, relax and admire your carrion.
It's extra dead, just the way you like it.
[SPIKE SQUEAKING]
It's only five more minutes to the zoo, my corpus champions.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Hello. Ace Ventura, pet detective.
I find lost or stolen pets.
I don't deal in pet peeves or heavy petting
unless, of course, you bring out the animal in me.
[GROWLS]
Henry P. Cash Hugger,
owner of Elitist Oaks Country Club.
Oh, should I faint now?
[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]
Oo! Ow, ow, ow!
-[TIRES SCREECH] -[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]
Hello.
I like that, Spike.
I've been caught up and tied by vagabond vultures.
We'll swing by the zoo,
then Spike and I are off to the Elitist Oaks.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
Like a glove.
Just make sure you take care of this baby.
[KISSES]
[SPITS] That's just her way of saying I love you, too.
Whoa!
Oops! I forgot to tell him about that sharp spring in the seat.
Well, if he's anything like me, he'll learn to love it.
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
I'm looking for Henry P. Cash Hugger.
[CLEARS THROAT] Mr. Ventura, I'm Henry P. Cash Hugger.
And you can call me Cash Taker.
Feel free to grease the palm of your choice.
Better yet grease two.
They're small, you know.
I suppose you're wondering why I called you, Mr. Ventura.
Well, since the carrier pigeon is extinct,
it's probably the most effective means of communication.
The hottest young golfer in the world Bobcat Irons
is playing in my tournament tomorrow.
Um, I should have used my putter.
I'm certain you've heard of him.
Exqueeze me, cash bag, was I not listening?
There's this vile little beast,
a heinous monster destroying my golf course.
He must be stopped before tomorrow's tournament.
Really?
A golf course Godzilla.
Worse. A gopher.
Sorry.
I am a pet detective, not an ex-terminator.
The burrowing plant muncher geomyidae is your problem.
This is what I am willing to pay you if you'll catch it
and remove it from my property by tomorrow.
Hmm. I see.
Excuse me while I consult with my little hairy monkey manager.
[SPIKE SQUEAKING EXCITEDLY]
Congratulations, Mr. Cash Flapper.
You win the luggage and the performing monkey.
This cart is at your complete disposal.
Gee, thanks, Dad. Just in time for the prom.
They say you're the best, Mr. Ventura.
I am sure you won't let me down.
Oops! Clumsy me.
I've lost the keys.
Mr. Cash Waster will be ever so upset
if we don't find that darn gopher.
Whatever shall we do?
To the pro shop, my hairy tonto.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL YELLING]
Howdy, boys, mind if I play through.
Hmm. Should I use a nine iron? Maybe a ten iron?
Or how about a waffle iron?
Let's try my driver.
Oh, caddie.
Yee-haw!
Touchdown, Miami wins.
Yes, yes, yes. Can you feel it?
Dang, I am good.
[SPIKE SQUEAKING]
[DEVICE BEEPING]
Let's check the local listing, Spike.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Thickset body, flat head, small eyes, short tail.
That's me.
ACE: All righty, then.
Tonight, a very special episode ofLove That Gopher.
You, sir, are a barbarian.
I went to Harvard.
And I went to Yale.
And I just went potty in those bushes. [LAUGHING]
Oh, I believe it's your shop.
Look at that gopher go. Too much sugar in his diet.
I'll have to speak to his parents.
Knock, knock.
May I speak with the burrowing rodent of the hole,
sometimes called a ground squirrel
but usually referred to as a gopher.
-Yummy. -[SPIKE YELLS]
[SQUIRREL LAUGHS] Uh-oh.
I'm Ace Ventura, a friend to gopher's far and wide.
Could I trouble you for a shoehorn?
Hello, sucker.
[ACE YELLS]
-Spike, he bit my second favorite organ. -Uh-oh!
He digs, he bites, he drives a golf cart
and he can be yours if you order now.
Oh, really.
Well, my soaked simian, it's time to show this gopher that we mean business.
Surrender immediately
because if you're looking for a pair of tush-overs, it ain't us.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
Excuse me, gentlemen, but is there a problem?
You're ruining my golf course.
Relax, Cash Spender.
I am the one with the mail order detectives degree,
so just run along.
Tata, bye-bye.
You're more of a menace than that gopher.
Help, Ventura. I'm stuck.
Ventura approaches the th fairway.
It's a -yard par-.
-The hushed crowd watches. -Ow!
He got a little behind on the swing.
Oh, no, Ventura slices it into the trees.
It's over. It's all over for the pet detective from Miami.
There's nothing that ticks me off more
than a gopher with an attitude.
Let's get him, Spike.
Mr. Spike, we have a visual of the alien in question. Shields up.
All ahead. ...day.
[WHISTLING]
Either Mother Nature just broke wind by vibrating varmint
or we are in big, big trouble.
Spike, I hope you learned how to swim from watching thoseBaywatchreruns.
-[SPIKE AND ACE SCREAMING] -[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Whoa!
Ooh! Do not go in there.
It really does bring out the color in your eyes.
[SPIKE SQUEAKING]
You are one lean mean gopher-tempting love machine.
I'll lure the little devil by performing my legendary gopher-mating call,
presented in E minor for your listening pleasure.
And then you grab them.
[ACE VOCALIZES]
[SPIKE SQUEAKING]
Good work, Spike.
[SPIKE SQUEAKING]
[CRYING] Spike, are you all right?
Show me a sign of life, my m*nled monkey man.
[SPIKE SQUEAKING]
[GROANS]
A simple wave of the hand would have been just fine.
That does it, Spike.
That gopher has humiliated us, embarrassed us,
but now he has crossed the line.
That was our best gopher costume.
[SQUIRREL LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY]
I'll hop and I'll pop and I'll blow that gopher's house down.
Contact.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
While you were busy digging your little tunnels,
I created the ultimate par four sand trap, quicksand.
Now you tell us.
[SQUIRREL WHIMPERING]
Yes, yes, yes, can you feel it?
Ace Ventura always gets his gopher.
La-hoo-hoo-hoo-se-her!
[LAUGHING]
Oh, no.
What have I done?
I violated my pet detective oath.
I have taken the life of an innocent animal.
Hey, what about us?
Have you thought of taking up scuba diving?
Superb work, Ventura.
I misjudged you.
Thanks to you that gopher is dead.
Here's your reward and a tiny little bonus for your trouble.
Aah! Blood money.
Get it away from me, Cash Puffer.
I don't want it. I don't want it at all.
[SPITS]
[ACE CRYING]
I k*lled a defenseless animal.
I am so sorry.
Hey, watch it with the sand. Can't you see I'm emoting.
Poor little guy never stood a chance.
Never.
You're alive.
Oh, sweet mother of all gophers. Spank you.
Yuck.
Don't just stand there, Ventura,
pound the little monster.
You're still on my payroll.
Sorry, Cash Flogger, but I quit.
I've sworn to protect all animals, not harm them.
-[SQUIRREL BITES] -[ACE YELLS]
No matter how irritating and obnoxious they maybe,
I can still live a long and happy life with just nine toes.
This is an outrage.
If you won't get rid of that creature, I'll find someone who will.
Bye-bye now.
Don't forget to write.
Bye-bye.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Stay back, you putting pinheads.
Spike and I will make a pet detective to arrest
if anyone who touches a hair on this gopher's mite-infested body.
Pleased to meet you. Name's Leon.
Your friendly employee from Go for Gone .
Go get him, Spike.
[SPIKE SQUEAKS NERVOUSLY]
Step away from the gopher, boys, or I'm going to get mad
and you won't like me when I'm mad.
[LEON LAUGHING]
Well, what's it gonna be, gopher lovers.
There's the hard way.
Ah, come on, robo-slop. Don't be shy.
Give me your best sh*t.
And there's my way.
[LEON LAUGHING]
[ACE SCREAMS]
You, you, you, it's always about you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SPIKE SQUEAKING]
[sh**ting LASER]
Do you have this sizing plan?
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
We know how to welcome a new neighbor to the neighborhood.
Don't we, boys and girls?
I'll say yes, sir.
All for one and one for gopher.
Get back here, you little creep.
Knock, knock, gopher, here's Leon.
Step away from the hole real, nice and peaceful and I'll go easy on you.
-Ow! -Hmm. Need salt.
Why you live?
[LASER sh**ting]
I guess we'll just have to do this my way after all.
Good.
Captain's log, we are surrounded by a hostile enemy bent on our destruction.
Fire photon torpedoes.
ACE: Five, six, seven, eight and nine.
We have a winner.
Spank you. Spank you.
But it was an honor just to be nominated.
That gopher can wait.
I am taking you out too, pal, free of charge.
And here comes the judge ready to crown the new champion
and present him with the keys to his new car.
Sorry, no time for autographs.
My ride's here.
-[GLASSES CLINK] -[MAN CLEARS THROAT]
-[BLOWS KISSES] -[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Is this the way to the snack park?
I want Ace Ventura and I want him now!
All righty, then.
Can I show gopher a good time or what?
[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]
[ALL YELLING]
That's the last time I asked for directions at that gas station.
LEON: I hate to bring you bad news, boys,
but it looks like you three are going down.
Oh, aren't you Mr. Ponderful?
Okay, then.
We may be going down but you're blowing up.
It's no use, Spike.
No matter how badly I want to blow Leon up, I just can't do it.
You're a real sport, Ventura.
I like that in a pet detective.
Would you do the honors?
[SPIKE SQUEAKING]
Lo-hoo-se-her.
Let this be a lesson to you.
If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
[expl*si*n]
LEON: I am going home to lay down on Mr. Hug Casher.
Please forward all my mail.
But Bobcat Irons will be here tomorrow morning. What am I going to do?
Mr. Cash Mugger, let's talk gopher.
What an amazing sight, Mr. Cash Hugger!
I love gophers and it's great to see a golf course
that takes care of them.
I'm glad you like it, Bobcat.
We at Elitist Oaks are proud to include nature's wonders
as an important part of our golf course.
Oh, this is Ace Ventura and Spike, Bobcat.
They help design our gopher habitat.
Oh, a word of caution.
Watch your step on the th tee.
One of nature's wonders drank too many milkshakes and had a little accident.
[SLURPING]
[BURPS]
Uh, let me show you our state-of-the-art golf carts, Bobcat.
-[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] -Oh!
Ventura!
Whoops! Shanked it.
Heads.
You know, Spike, I could learn to love this game.
[SPIKE SQUEAKING]
[ACE LAUGHING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]