[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
All righty, then.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHS]
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n ♪
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
Aah!
Aah!
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, Propellerhead! Where are my peanuts?
-[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] -[SPIKE GULPING, BELCHING]
When's the in-flight movie start?
Mr. Ventura, I'm not the stewardess, I'm...
Dr. Ian Goldbrick, the distinguished inventor of ruckus theory.
How Professor Hammond Rye could ever hire you
is a perfect example of my ruckus theory,
an element in nature that cannot be predicted.
Hmm, you mean like this?
Let's see, I'll take one of this and one of this
and a couple of this.
Thus creating ruckus.
[ALL YELLING]
And away, hey, hey, we go.
-[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] -[MAN YELLING]
This proves my theory.
Hasta la vista, baby.
[LOUD CRASH]
Like a glove...
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
That's the last time I fly coach.
Mr. Ventura? Mr. Ace Ventura?
That's my name, Professor Cue Bald. Don't wear it out.
My card.
Watch the finger prints. I'll need it back.
Oh, thank heavens you've come.
I'm Dr. Hammond Rye
and welcome to my World of Lost Dinosaurs.
Let me guess, copyright trouble?
What makes my theme park special, Mr. Ventura,
is that my exhibits are living breathing dinosaurs in their natural habitat.
Ex-squeeze me,
but I thought dinosaurs were extinct. [FARTS]
Think what you will but I'm certain you'll change your mind.
Opening day is tomorrow, Mr. Ventura.
Tickets are printed. I just spent a fortune in advertising.
Add a few balloon animals and some skee-ball, and it's a party.
Oh, if it were just that simple.
You see, most of my dinosaurs are missing.
They're gone, vanished.
Can you help me, Mr. Ventura?
Mr. Ventura?
Fear not, Professor, I will leave no fossil unturned
in my quest to find your dinosaurs.
Mr. Ventura.
-Yippee-ki-yay! -Ahh!
Steady, old Bessie! Whoa! Whoa!
Mr. Ventura.
That skeleton was a gift from the Royal Museum in London.
It took four and a half years to assemble. It's priceless.
And now it's useless. [CHUCKLES]
Got any dental floss?
Please, Mr. Ventura.
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
Come over here and see where it all begins.
Watch closely.
This is my favorite part, the miracle of birth.
In just a few minutes, we'll have a new baby Tyrannosaurus rex.
-[SERENE MUSIC PLAYING] -[EGG CRACKING]
Breathe.
Breathe, now push.
I see the head.
Whoa!
Ah! Congratulations! He thinks you're his mother.
I was never in Chicago that weekend.
Honest.
Oh, I think Fido needs a new diaper.
In here are our most dangerous dinosaurs.
The velociraptors.
They'll eat anything put in front of them.
Kind of like Spike at a Las Vegas buffet.
Now, there used to be three of them, but two have disappeared.
Like so many of my others.
Whatever you do, don't put your hand in there.
You mean like this?
[GASPS] My arm! It's got me.
Call , call my mommy.
Oh, the pain.
It got me!
I hope you have workman's comp.
Hold on, don't panic.
I... I...
Got you, Professor Gullible.
Please, Mr. Ventura. I need a pet detective, not a loony bin refugee.
I assure you.
I'm perfectly sane, as far as you know.
So tell me, Professor, does anyone ever go inside the pen?
Heavens no. Even the food is lowered by a pulley.
It's too dangerous.
Danger? Ha!
A good pet detective doesn't know the meaning of the word,
especially if he has an abridged dictionary.
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
Dare to swim, everybody?
[SNIFFS]
Ah-ha! A clue.
A human hair. Someone was in the pen.
And that someone uses generic styling gel.
Gross!
Aah!
No Christmas bonus for you, my simian simpleton.
Note to self, wear a cup next time.
Mr. Spike, perhaps we've been a bit hasty dismissing the possibility
that dinosaurs might exist.
[ROARS]
You've got a booger hanging right here.
[ROARS]
Breath mint?
Aah!
Tag, you're it.
[STRAINING]
Wanna go best two out of three?
[SNIFFS]
All right. That's it.
No one touches the dude.
Doesn't anybody wanna just talk anymore?
That look is just too retro for you.
Day , I've sunk your battleship.
[ROARS]
-[LOUD CRASHING] -[SPIKE YAWNING]
Whoo! Do not go in there.
So I've seen hair before.
Not for some time, I'm guessing.
Not me, that!
Well, with the exception of Bob Dole,
there were no mammals alive million years ago.
Thus, this is not a dinosaur hair.
Someone obviously had a means of getting inside the raptor pen
and kidnapping your treasures without getting sliced to shreds.
And that someone would have to be capable of lifting a multi-ton mammal.
But I'm sure all Liz Taylor's ex-husbands have alibis.
What do you intend to do now, Mr. Ventura?
We have a saying in the pet detective business.
Never eat at a restaurant called the Krusty Boyle, but that doesn't apply here.
So it's plan X. Stake-out.
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
Is everything ready, Spike?
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
I'm sorry, Fido, but you have to stay behind.
It's a jungle out there.
Come on, Spike. Let's rock and roll.
Mission control, we are ready for liftoff.
The flaps are up. The t*nk is full. And so is my bladder.
Next time, we get an a*t*matic.
-[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] -[MACHINE BEEPING]
[ROARS SOFTLY]
-[LOUD THUMPING] -[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
What could it be, my chimpanzee chum?
A giant mean dinosaur?
An earthquake?
Five minutes late, kid.
Free pizza.
Shucks.
And here's your tip, buy stocks when the market is down.
[LOUD BANGING ON DOOR]
Pizza face must have forgotten our drinks.
Eggosaurus rex!
[SERENE MUSIC PLAYING]
Mr. Spike, we're under att*ck.
Shields failing.
Activate emergency evacuation procedures.
Fire in the hole!
[DINOSAUR CRIES, WHISTLES]
Let me know if you need some antacid, Spike.
What's that?
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
Duck-billed apatosaurus on their migratory quest for food.
Strict vegetarians, thank goodness.
Hmm, that's strange.
No, it can't be! But it is.
[SPIKE CHOKING]
Correct my bad, monkey munchkin.
It's our old enemy, The Griffin.
But according to his trading card,
he can only bench press pounds.
Those raptors are a lot pudgier than that.
All right, Griffin-ruski, what are you up to?
Wow! I didn't know Pink Floyd was on tour again.
The grifferino is on the run, my puny private partner.
And where he goes, this pet detective is sure to follow.
After I climb out.
All righty, then.
Back to nature we go, Spike. Smell the fresh air.
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
The great outdoors,
the wonder and the spectacle of mother nature at her finest.
If I ever meet mother nature, I'm going to punch her right in the mouth.
Freedom! Sanctuary! Life!
At last, a jungle-free zone.
And tasty too.
Shh! Please, Mr. Ventura.
You'll scare the pterodactyls away.
Not if they smell you first.
Fascinating. They're in a mating formation.
A hard -degree angle, identical to that of the ancient pyramids.
Put this in your next book, Goldbrick. That's a hunting formation.
Don't be absurd, Ventura.
Any educated man can easily identify a pterodactyl flight pattern.
They're very predictable!
No, this is ruckus theory!
Looks more like a little lo-hoo-ser theory to me.
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
Do I wanna know where The Griffin went?
Well, gee, let me think. Um, sure.
Wow! Good work, The Griffin's hideout.
Do you see a way down there, Spike?
[GASPS] Oh, watch out. Here I come. [YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
Next time, just call me a taxi.
So that's it. He's found a way to shrink the dinosaurs.
What technology? I smell infomercial.
Not so fast, Ace Ventura.
Hello, Griffin. What's new?
Hands up where I can see them.
Can you see them now?
How about now?
Now? Maybe you need glasses.
You're a fool to have come here, Ventura.
And you're still ugly.
So there.
With the Shrinktastic , you'll soon be a teeny-weeny fool.
Spank you very much. Can you reduce my rent too?
I've waited a long time for this, Ventura.
Look out, Spike. We're about to get stomped.
And worse there's dinosaur poop on his shoe.
Aah!
[ACE AND SPIKE YELLING]
Come on, Spike.
This itty-bitty committee meeting is adjourned.
Prepare to meet your tiny demise.
I wonder if he does windows too.
-ACE: Quick, Spike. Down here. -[SPIKE YELLS]
[CHUCKLES] Goodbye, Ventura.
It really is the small pleasures that make life so enjoyable.
Is it hot in here or is it just me?
[SPIKE SHRIEKING, CHOKING]
Get a new act, Spike.
Come on. What a cute little worm.
Aah! That's no worm.
And gross, ugly black buildup.
Aah!
[ROARS]
Perhaps we should have called ahead for reservations.
Okay, boss monkey-man, follow me.
Yee-haw!
Everybody, limbo!
[PARTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Baron DeKlaus!
So he's the brains of this outfit.
Welcome to the world of science gone bad.
And when science goes bad,
it means there's a pile of money to be made, tax-free.
With The Griffin's peculiar expertise and my own Shrinktastic ,
we've been shrinking and capturing Professor Rye's dinosaurs
which we will package as living toys.
Every kid in the world will want his own dinosaur.
[ROARING ANGRILY]
Wow! Those things will be bigger than some stuff that's really huge.
The fiends!
If I have anything to say about this,
they'll be hearing from Godzilla's lawyers.
That scaro-saurus!
Well, well, well.
And what are you going to be when you grow up, little boy?
-A creep like you. -[SPIKE YELLS]
You'll never get away with this, Baron.
Quite the contrary, you diminutive dope.
I think it's you who won't get away.
What should we do with him, Griffin?
Well, I believe it's feeding time for the carnivores.
Excellent.
Ooh! Let's do everything you wanna do.
Dinner time.
Maybe we should hit the drive-through and be on our way, Spike.
It's pet detective season, Spike,
and I don't think they're gonna pet this detective.
You know, with the right plastic surgeon,
you could have a terrific modeling career.
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
Of course, I have a plan, Spike.
Pick a card, boys. Any card. Don't be shy.
Would you like fries with that?
Okay, Spike. What's plan B?
I am Ace Ventura, lord of dance.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
-[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] -[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
-[ROARS] -[ACE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
This will keep you boys busy for a while.
That should buy me million years.
At least until they evolve opposable thumbs.
There's gotta be a way out.
[ACE VOCALIZES]
[BABY DINOSAUR CRIES]
[LOUD THUMPING]
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Can you feel it? It's your mama, Fido.
It'll never work. See if the soccer game is on.
[ROARS]
Bulls eye. It's Dinosaur Disco. Everybody dance!
-[ROARS] -[VICTORIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, Mr. Griffin!
Baron d*ck-Klaus!
-[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING] -[GRIFFIN GRUNTS]
Ah, is it too soon to talk about renegotiating my contract?
Run, you fool!
Did I ever tell you I was raised by a T-rex?
So long! Thanks for coming. Tell your friends.
Okay, Spike. I'm ready for my close-up.
I'm gonna miss you, little friend.
Take care. [SNIFFLES]
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
Now, look both ways before crossing the jungle.
Don't talk to strangers.
Look out for the comet.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
PROFESSOR RYE:How about a nice round of applause for our stunt crew today?
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
This will earn me the Nobel prize for my theory.
Opening day is a big success, Mr. Ventura.
And I owe it all to you.
Glad you noticed, Professor Rye.
And here's my bill.
Plus expenses.
I can make change.
You and your big ideas!
Shut up!
Two children's tickets, please.
[ACE CHUCKLES]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]