02x09 - Beagles and Lemurs

[bunniefuu]

[Emily] Okay Shred.
We are rolling.

Hi Seattle, my name's
Officer Taylor,

but you can call me Shred,

and these are our pets
of the week.

This is Masha.

She's looking for a new home

after her owners couldn't
take care of her anymore.

She's so friendly.

Ooh, she's going exploring.

You know what's great
about bullfrogs?

They love jumping!

Here's Doctor McJumpenstein
and Larry the Leaper.

Go ahead, guys.

Jump.

Do you have an
active lifestyle?

Consider adopting Dash.

You know, me and Dash
have a lot in common.

We both love running
on the beach,

cuddling on rainy days,
and chasing tail.

[Emily] Really, Victoria?

This is Tanya.

A 12-year-old Chihuahua
looking for a home.

[Emily] Um, she looks uh…
maybe give her a little jiggle.

Whoa.

She got me.
Get her out!

Oh, I just brought them
back from jumping!

Oh, where did they go?

They must have jumped out
the window.

Emily, I think the frogs
need new batteries.

Why are you still filming?!

[Emily] What do you
want me to do?!

[screaming]

So if you want a pet,
come on down to Precinct 22

and meet with one of
our friendly officers.

[All] Let's get some
tails wagging!

Frank, you have a line.

Oh, uh, and if you want a frog
that jumps, good [bleep] luck.

OK, that wasn't the line.

- We can beep that.
- Yeah, we can beep it.

♪

[Shred] Oh, score!

What?

I was looking for Frank's
tick medication for his cat

and I think I hit
the motherlode.

Look at all this stuff
they had back in the '70s.

Animal Control Zippo lighters…

- No.
- Flip up sunglasses.

[Emily gasps]

Oh, hello.
Look at this!

- [laughs]
- And it fits!

- OK, that's good.
- You try it.

- It looks good.
- Yeah?

I think it goes.

- OK.
- Yeah.

Look at this an ancient
walkie-talkie.

Officer Shred Taylor I'm
gonna need you back

at the precinct
to do the hustle.

Right now. Immediately.

Copy that.

Uh, when the boss says “hustle”
I always boogie, over.

Wait, you can do the hustle
though, right?

- I don't know that I can.
- No, you can do it.

It's like…

[humming music]

[both hum]

Is that how it goes?

Knock knock.

Hey, we were doing…

- …the hustle.
- Uh-huh.

Everyone's in the bullpen,

Victoria's getting ready to get
her citizenship exam results.

- Oh yeah.
- Yes.

OK, I'm about to check
the website.

Ooh, no, I'm not.
I'm too nervous.

I'll do it.
I'll do it.

What the hell's this?

That's the wrong question.

What you should be asking
is “where can I get one?”

Authentic 1971
Animal Control hat.

That's interesting. And were all
hats too small back then?

Oh my God, can I just…
I'm gonna look.

[reading] Thank you for taking
the US naturalization test,

blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

Click this link to access
your results.

Congratulations!
[streamer expl*si*n]

Guys, the screen is frozen.

Oh. That's premature discharge.

And that's how you had
your fourth kid, am I right?

Put it right there.

No.

Congratulations!

[Victoria] No, I think
the whole site has crashed.

This stupid country!

I know the stakes
feel crazy high right now

but just breathe.

You know, you either pass
or you get, uh, deported.

Oh, wow.

OK, the stress is
hitting me now, too.

What if I failed?

I'm sure you'll get some
good news soon. Right?

Ma'am.

Oh, oh, oh,
oh, no, no, no.

Alright, you'll get this back
at the end of the school year.

Emily, can I talk to you?

OK, I know where you hide
my stuff, Frank!

The eagle has landed.

Where?
I'll let dispatch know.

No, the-the lemur.

[gasps]

Remember the animal buy
I set up at the gala

with Lucas, tonight,
at the docks.

Yes, the lemur at the docks.

I'm so glad that I wore my
fashion forward boat shoes.

[phone rings]
Yeah, thank God.

Oh, it's Rick.

We've been checking in every day
since he went to Nepal.

Yes, yes. Yours is a love story
for the ages.

I just need you to focus
on this investigation.

It's really coming together.

Rick, hi.
How was your sound bath?

The vibrations rattled my ears
so much that it fell off.

But the-the monks,
they just rolled with it.

In fact, they decided
that it was my turn

to guard the flame
of enlightenment.

I'm assuming that's the giant
torch that you're holding?

Exactly.

And if I can keep it lit
for 24 hours

I will be granted an audience
with the Lama.

Just to confirm, that's uh-

A religious leader,
not an animal.

Not an animal, right.

[notification alert]

Did you just get a text
from contractor Greg?

House is done!

Not technically.

I requested they leave
one outlet plate unscrewed

so that we could do
the honors together as…

- [both] House brothers.
- [laughs]

Yeah.

Did he leave a screwdriver?

- I'll call him on the way.
- Yeah.

You seem pretty good for just
getting out of surgery.

You can operate heavy
machinery.

How about this copier, buddy?

Frank, you had a kid?

Oh, wow.

[sniffs] He smells just
like you.

Rudolph just had some
teeth removed

to make his breath better,
not like yours.

What're you doing here?
You looking to adopt?

No. A little bird informant
told me

that you are doing
an undercover bust.

I told you, dumbass.

Irregardless, you're gonna
want me on this one.

I asked you for your help,
you mocked me,

and now that I'm about
to spike the ball

and do an elaborate end zone
dance you want in? Nah.

Hey. Hey. Hey!
You're my brother.

I don't wanna see you get hurt.

You dangled me off a bridge
when I was seven.

That's called
immersion therapy.

It's so you wouldn't have
a fear of heights.

I'm terrified of heights.

Frank, you're not a cop,
you don't have back-up.

You're a sad pretty boy with a
beagle hanging off your teats.

That's it.

Yeah, well, these teats
can bench press 300 pounds.

Hey, you know what?
Beagle check.

[kissy noises]

Nut check!

Gotcha.

And the re-model is done.

It was a pleasure screwing
with you, house brother.

Pleasure screwing with you.
Look what we did.

- Yeah.
- Mmhmm?

You know, life and zoning laws
threw a lot at us,

and sure, it was twice
as expensive as we expected

but I think we crushed it.

We should throw a party.

My first instinct is no.

You know, the last one
was kind of a total bust.

We got working toilets now.

Also, we have a guest of honor,
Victoria.

My partner deserves a rager.

She does, but she hasn't
technically passed the test yet.

My dad's been coaching her.

The fear of disappointment
in that man,

it's gonna drive her
to do impossible things.

What if we made it
a surprise party?

That way, if nobody shows up

we can sorta cancel it
without her knowing.

I need you to be positive.
I need you to manifest this.

- Manifest.
- Mmmhmm.

OK, yeah.
Let's do it.

No surprise.

Now you're in my head.

I think we need
to cover ourselves.

OK. Surprise.
You know what I'll do?

I'll invite my
golf course girl.

You found her?

No, I didn't find her yet,

but as the only one who's
taken my mind off Emily

I'm determined, so
I am getting close.

I found out where she works,

I'm just waiting on them
to return my calls.

You think guys like us
achieve something like this

waiting for someone
to return our call?

[phone rings]

Hey, Greg, thanks
for returning my call. Listen…

There's our man.
Here we go.

Uh, I forgot my fake name.
What's my fake Italian name?

Is it Marty? Mickey?
What is it?

It's Maria. Don't panic.

And-and maybe don't talk.

OK.

Oh, that's not Lucas.

What? Should we abort?
Should we run?

I could probably make a run
for it in my boat shoes.

- No, he sees us. We're doing it.
- OK.

Oh, good evening.

I don't believe we've had
the pleasure.

Mr. Lucas sends his regrets.
He has business elsewhere.

[Italian accent] Oh, how…
disappointing.

My Italian attaché is correct.

Unfortunately, this is not the
arrangement upon which we agreed.

Well, it is what it is.

Uh… ciao.

Oh!

Uh, Beaudine, this is not um…
how do you say… the lemur?

This is a… how do you say…
a cat.

What? Wait, seriously?
This is a cat?

Si. Si.
The meow, meow.

Always being chased
by uh the bow wow.

It's a cat.

You were looking for a lemur?
Because they're illegal.

Whoever would be in that
kind of business

are dangerous people.

I'd be careful.

[meowing]

Wait, this is not just a cat.

This is my cat,
Doc Whiskers.

Which means they must have
broken into my apartment.

Mama mia.

Leonardo DiCaprio.

Are you serious?

I don't know, I'm freaking out
and I'm just saying

whatever comes to my mind
that's Italian.

Protect my boy.

Clear!

Clear!

- Clear.
- OK, what are we clearing?

Shouldn't we just call the cops,
or like your brother?

No, I'm not gonna call
the cops, it's my place.

I can handle it.

Oh my God!

What?

They opened the 2007.

Oh, this is a beautiful vintage,
dark fruits, leather…

and they didn't even pair it
with a hard cheese.

[gasps] Oh, wow.

I haven't been to
your apartment before

and this is not
what I pictured.

Well, I contain multitudes.

[clinking]

Wait, is that a robot
cat feeder?

How much money have you spent
on this animal?

It's actually a great
investment.

It's got a camera and it
records everything he does,

and this is such a fun age.
He's three–

Wait, it's got a camera!

OK, I'm looking for anything
unusual, untoward,

out of the ordinary…

Stealing your cat?

- Yeah.
- Right.

Oh, wait, wait, wait,
what's that?

[baby talk] You ate everything
in the bowl.

You're cleaning it for me.
Thank you so much.

Wrong day.

- Where did you go?
- Mmhmm.

Oh, what about that?

[reading] "…From beneath
his slouched hat,

"Ahab dropped a tear
into the sea."

Are you reading him
Moby d*ck?

Yeah, he loves–
he loves fish.

So this is what happens

when a high school football
player grows up.

Check out all this vino.

There's the as*ault
on my cabernet.

It's a little jammy
for my taste.

Yeah, that's because
you didn't let it breathe,

you thieving rube!

[message alert]
It's okay. It's okay.

The boss just texted.

It's coming in tomorrow
at the docks.

Flight from Tanzania.

[gasps]

I thought we had tomorrow off.
Let's just go.

Grab the ugly cat.
[meows]

That is not true.
You're my prettiest boy.

I hate to break up this moment

but it's coming in tomorrow
from Tanzania.

That's an animal, right?

Yeah. My cousin Billy
is an air marshal.

We have history
but he's family

so I think he can get us
the flight info.

What is it with your family
and uniforms?

You just love to be in them?

We love epaulets.
I can't stop staring at these.

Any word?
Website still down?

Yeah, so friggin' stressful.

If you need a break why don't
you come by the house tonight?

We'll give you a little tour,
remodel's finally done.

I don't want a surprise party.

That's a leap. [laughs]

That's such a leap.

What? What?

You just want to give me
a friendly tour

of your crappy house

on the night that I get
my citizenship results?

OK, fine.
You want the real reason?

We wanted to ask your opinion

on a color palette
for our furniture

because we can't afford
an interior designer.

You know, with the black mold
and everything…

Yeah, and the
foundation issues.

Yeah. The house tilts.
We should have caught that.

We're out of money.

[Shred] Right.

Please. Will you
come take a tour.

OK. Might be nice to take
my mind off things.

Thank you.

Good save.

Yeah. The key to lying?

Little bit of selfishness
coupled with incompetence.

There's our seaplane.
Thank you, cousin Billy.

I'm, like, having a lot of fun.

I kinda feel like a badass
right now.

You're not gonna sing again,
are you?

No, I'm not gonna…

♪ This Emily plays for keeps

♪ And Alvin Lucas
you're going down. ♪

Alright, that's it.
I got it out of my system.

This actually is fun.

I mean, like, the moment
before the bust,

the adrenaline's flowing

and then feeling that you're
gonna make a real difference

and get revenge for your cat,
you know?

I mean, it's like
the best feeling.

You miss it, don't you?

Yeah, more than I realized.

Oh, here we go.

OK.

I've got eyes on Alvin.

Oh, wow.

You know, I'm excited
to see what it is.

If Lucas touches that cage
I'm gonna sh**t him.

What?

I'm gonna get a photo.

Oh.

Oh, it's a Zoboomafoo!
It's a lemur.

It's go time.

This is happening.
Oh, my gosh.

[sirens approaching]

Wait, why are they here?

[gasps]

Patrick!

Your brother?

Hey. Hey.

Look. Yeah. I'm glad that
justice is done

but this was my bust.

Our bust.

OK, let's not credit hog,
partner.

And what were you gonna do?
Leash him and crate train him?

You are so going down,
Alvin Lucas.

Can she touch me?

- No. Don't crowd my suspect.
- Okay.

Are you surprised, Alvin?

You don't recognize me,
do you?

How about now?

Beaudine Devereaux.
Are you my Huckleberry?

[lemur squeaking]

Wait! What the…

Can I just get
in the cruiser?

- Yes. Of course.
- Thank you.

Hey, remind me to read you
your rights later?

Yeah, you got it.

What?

How could you do this?

Cousin Billy called me,
he gave me the flight number,

he said, and I quote

“Franker the w*nk*r
is gonna need your help”.

You stole my bust just like
you stole my Sega Genesis.

You know, if I'm ever m*rder*d

I'd rather my case go unsolved
than have you involved.

If you're ever m*rder*d I won't
even bother to plant evidence.

What?

Not that we even do that,
but I wouldn't anyway.

[dance music playing]

[crowd chatting]

Hey, Victoria will be here soon.
Booties, please.

- Get those on your feet.
- Hey.

Hey, look who it is! Bento!
[laughs]

Woah, hey buddy, I thought
you RSVP'd plus one?

The more, the merrier,
am I right?

-That's actually not the case
-No, buddy.

just because right now
we're sorta at capacity.

- Opa!
- [all] Opa!!

Well, after months of hard work
by you and me,

my brother, who once
shared an Uber

with the Golden State k*ller
without realizing it,

gets the win.

Yeah, look. I know it didn't
turn out how we expected

but Alvin Lucas was brought
to justice

and a lot of animals
are better off for it.

So, if I may, to the animals.
To Beaudine and Maria.

[Italian accent] How you say…
we did it?

We did it.

[clink]

You did pretty good, partner.

Yeah? Like a real cop?

Well, as real a cop can be
in fancy boat shoes.

I'll take it.

Oh, OK.
Now it's a party.

I'm so glad you two
could make it.

Patel, I'd like you
to meet Carousel Pony

and Reese the Pitbull.

Hey, thanks for coming.

I want to hear about
the cruise later, you two.

That's terrifying.

Oh, she's here! She's here!
Places!

Victoria's here!
Places!

Shhh! Get down!

Oh God.

Surprise.

- [weakly] Surprise.
- Where is she?

You ruined this thing
you didn't want.

What? Are you kidding me?

Who told you?
Who told her?

No one.

I had my doubts and then I saw
Bento's party bus out front.

So, are we celebrating
good news?

Still nothing.
Still nothing.

Still nothing!
Still don't know.

well, let's get that
music back up!

[crowd cheers]

Hey, partner, you are going
to pass this thing.

I know it.

Thank you.

Thank you for this dumb party.

It's nothing.

I mean, it was a lot
of organizing…

Hey, Frank,
pour me a drink.

[phone ringing]
Oh.

Hey! Everything good?

Everything is amazing.

I had the most enlightening
meeting with the Lama.

Oh, really?

It was transformative.

We only spoke for minutes
but it felt like hours.

And I figured out exactly
what I need to be fulfilled.

And what I need is you.

Mmmhmm.

Emily Price…

will you marry me?

Oh. Oh, I think you froze.
Hello? Em? Emily?

Stupid Himalayan wifi.
It must be the storm.

I'll just try again
when it clears.

[hangs up]

Frank, I've got someone here
that wants to say hi.

If it's my brother I'm gonna
burn your investment down

and urinate on the ashes.

[Jimmy Shaw] What kind of
shindig is this?

My dad?

Well, I thought you were gonna
get a big win today

and I wanted him to be here
to celebrate.

Some Indian guy handed me
this hair net.

What the hell am I supposed
to do with this?

He's just getting started.
Everybody, Jimmy Shaw!

Mr. Shaw, Frank's had
a really tough day.

So I know you got a hard shell

but I think right now
he could use a view

of that chewy
little center.

Tell not Rick to quit coming
down to my burger place.

Ah yes, that's my cue.

Gentlemen.

I heard you had
an exciting day.

Well, not as exciting
as Patrick's.

That hair net is actually
supposed to be

jammed in your mouth.

I asked around.

You did good police work
on that Alvin Lucas case.

If you can't think of
a punchline

I'm not gonna help you
brainstorm one.

No, I mean it.

I could probably
pull some strings,

get you back on
the police force.

Your sincerity is throwing me.

Yeah, I'm not good
with it either.

Hey.

You OK?

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

Do you need protein?

I could make you a plate
of tenders.

I can combo the sauces
just like you like it.

No, no, no. Uh… Rick
just asked me to marry him.

What?

Yay! Congratulations!

No. Um, but I didn't
answer him though.

I uh, pretended that
the call froze.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Yeah. I was on the phone
and I looked over and um,

I saw Shred doing this weird
dance with that hat–

I'm gonna k*ll him.

Why did I freeze?

I don't know.

But it sounds like you might
need to talk to Shred.

Why would I talk to Shred?

Life is short, OK?

You never know when you might
die or get deported

or whatever it is that pertains
to your situation right now.

Sorry, I'm a little
one-track-minded.

But I think your heart is
trying to tell you something.

Have you seen Shred?

No, have you seen Bento?

He's missing and
that scares me.

No.

[exhales]

OK.

[message alert]

Turn around.

Oh, uh…

[message alert]

Other way.

You don't happen to have a
really old cough drop, do you?

You're here.

Oh my-I've been looking
everywhere for you!

Have you?

Well, a devil bird
ate that phone.

You know, I've heard
that one before.

- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

- It's a pretty common thing?
- It's a common one.

I can't believe you're here
right now.

I got your card,
and went to the precinct.

They said you were here so
I thought I'd make an entrance.

Well, I for one
will never forget it.

[screams]
I passed!

I frickin' passed!
I get to stay!

[cheering and applause]
You can't get rid of me!

USA! USA!

I've never seen you before
in my life!

[Victoria] USA! USA!

[Patel] What is wrong
with this thing?

They will let anybody
into this country nowadays.

I'm surprised you didn't offer
to marry me.

Oh, the divorce
would have been a mess.

[crash]

[gasps]

Bento?

Opa!

Oh my God,
look at that hole.

Yep, looks like dry rot.

That's 100K off asking.

Jeez.

[chuckles]

♪

♪ Oh, I can't take
another heartache, ♪

♪ Though you say
you're my friend, ♪

♪ I'm at my wits end,

♪ You say your love
is bonafide ♪

♪ But that don't coincide

♪ With the things
that you do, ♪

♪ And when I ask you
to be nice you say ♪

♪ You gotta be cruel
to be kind… ♪

So am I making a call
for you or not?

I don't think so.

I thought that's what I wanted

but I think I'm right where
I belong… unfortunately.

You're an idiot.

I love you, too, Dad.

♪ …cruel to be kind.

I'm an American!

[cheering]

Now someone get me a Big Gulp
and a g*n.

This deserves an
all-American lunch.

There's a great sushi place
around the corner.

Wait, we have to get
a group photo first.

- Oh.
- Okay.

[horn honking]

Alright, be cool,


What?

West Virginia
license plate.

What?

West Virginia, Victoria.
West Virginia.

Say che…

- Let's go, go, go!
- Wait!

Go, go, go, go, go!!!

I didn't even get the photo.