01x10 - Maxine Throws a Party

[bunniefuu]

[MAXINE] Had I told you, when
I was just a little girl,

that one day I would stand here,
not just among them but above them,

you would've said, "Lock
that woman up. She is crazy."

But there's a fine line
between madwoman and dreamer.

But I've always believed
a person can be anything

in this great country of ours.

Mrs. Douglas Dellacorte
and Mrs. Evelyn Rollins,

in conjunction with Miss Norma
Dellacorte, hostess emeritus...

Drumroll, please...

welcome you to the 50th anniversary gala

to preserve and maintain
the coastline of Palm Beach.

[ATTENDEES APPLAUDING]

Welcome to the Beach Ball, y'all!

[APPLAUDING CONTINUES]

Look at us, a couple of pals
cohosting the Beach Ball.

- Marisa.
- Hello. You're most welcome.

- Nice to see you. [CHUCKLES]
- Darling, smile. Enjoy yourself.

You know, when I first came to
Palm Beach, I was petrified of you.

Now I see we have a lot more
in common than I thought.

I had to shake you
down for this position.

- Well, see, we're a lot alike.
- Helen. [CHUCKLES]

Henry, nice to see you.

This was supposed to be my night.

But this is your night, Norma.
Your name is on the invitation.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

I have as much control over this
affair as I have my bank accounts.

We spend decades scrapping
for... for money and power and...

[CHUCKLES]... our eight inches
in the... in the Shiny Sheet.

And then one day we embolize.

And then we're completely forgotten.

It's terrible growing old, being
treated like a helpless child.

Oh, and the worst of
it are these strangers.

[STUTTERS] Family barging in,
taking control of your destiny.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Oh, God,
it would be infuriating

if it wasn't so deeply humiliating.

[EVELYN] Hello, Jean-Pierre.

- [SPEAKS FRENCH]
- [MAXINE] Hello. Aw.

Where's your astronaut?

Um... Oh, he's putting his suit on.

- Frederick, hello.
- Hello.

Retrieve him. The guests
might grow restless.

Run along. I know how to host.

- Marcy.
- Oh, hello. How lovely to see you.

- Marcy.
- Mark. Divine.

[SCOFFS] Who are Maxine
and Douglas anyway?

You're my real family, Robert.

[CHUCKLES]

We've had some good times, haven't we?

And get ready for more.

Good.

Then it's settled.

Settled?

Well, we'll go down to
the courthouse tomorrow. I...

[CHUCKLES]

I have no expectations of
conjugal rights, but we'll have fun.

We'll protect each other.

And when I die,

I'll leave all of this
to my beloved husband.

[CHUCKLES] Husband?

Oh, I've never been the marrying
kind. It's an antiquated tradition.

But... [BREATHING
DEEPLY] ... now I know.

This is the only thing
that will protect us both.

Marry me, Robert.

You look... [SIGHS] ... different.

Less constipated.

Don't sweet-talk me, Douglas.
My stepdaughter ratted you out.

You're a double-crosser.

[SNICKERS] I don't know
what Penelope told you,

but I made her a business
opportunity, and she took it.

Oh. An investment in
what? The assh*le Brigade?

[CHUCKLES] That's funny.

Well, you always make the wrong choice.

If you had simply done what
Norma wanted and gotten married

like a good boy, you would
have inherited all of her money

and all of Skeet's money to
boot. Now, think about it.

But you seem determined to be the
author of your own destruction.

Mr. and Mrs. Pinky Kimberly-Marco.

If you'll excuse me, my
business partners are here.

- Them?
- Pinky, my man.

Oh, hello. Allow me.

- You look amazing.
- [RAQUEL] Aw.

We are writing the next
chapter of Palm Beach.

Don't be a footnote.

[MAXINE] Grant? Astronaut Herkimer?

[MITZI] He left 20 minutes ago.

- What?
- I'm leaving too.

No. No, Mitzi, w-w...

[BREATHES SHAKILY] Who's
gonna push out my staircase?

I taught a couple of the showgirls.

They're really the professionals.

I can't dismount my ball without
my Mitzi. [INHALES SHARPLY]

My cab is waiting.

[SIGHS]

Put your idling cab on ice. Your
country needs you, patriotess.

Where's Robert?

Hi, Norma. I'm taking Robert's
place as your date tonight.

- What?
- Maxine needs your help.

No.

- I'll be right back.
- No.

Come on. Be right back. Don't move.

May I see your bag, ma'am?

I have a right to privacy.

Just a formality.

We don't want another
Grassy Knoll on our hands.

Well, lucky for you, this is a beach.

Enjoy your night.

I plan to.

Mrs. Mary Meredith Davidsoul.

Mary! Thank goodness
you've come to your senses

and renounced those filthy hippies.

- Well, "those hippies"...
- Mm-hmm.

... just got taken away by the FBI.

Did they take Linda too?

Linda has absconded to
an ashram. For a year.

Without so much as a goodbye?

It happened quick.

Oh. So, Mary, the house is empty?

For all intents and purposes.

Good to know.

Linda?

[LINDA] Help!

Linda?

[LINDA] Help!

[LINDA] Virginia, please
get me out of here.

Wait! Don't let the door slam.

It locks from the outside.

[SIGHS]

- [PANTING] Get me out.
- Ugh, what happened?

- [SIGHS]
- How did you get like this? Who did this?

- [BREATHING DEEPLY] Mary. [SIGHS]
- Mary?

- She's-She's trying to k*ll the president.
- What?

[INHALES SHARPLY] Yes,
she's gonna sh**t him.

[SIGHS]

You've asked a lot of me,
but this takes the cake.

[BREATHES SHAKILY] The president
is coming to meet the astronaut.

Well, I'm not gonna be
impersonating someone

from the United States Space
Program. That's got to be illegal.

Don't all astronauts look
the same in those little hats?

That's not a hat.

The point is, no one would ever know.

And don't think about it as
doing something for Nixon.

Think about it as doing
something for Norma.

The season has left her behind.

And she doesn't let on, but
I know it's hard for her.

Everyone wants to meet that
astronaut, and if he's with her,

by her side all night, she
still gets to be center stage.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Please agree. For Norma.

No.

[SIGHS]

For the two of you.

- Oh, you!
- [CHUCKLES]

Thank you. Thank you, Robert.

[SIGHS, INHALES SHARPLY]

[SIGHS]

Um, the other day, uh,

when I was on the patio and...

you said you loved me
as you walked away...

Yes, of course.

Well, I just wanna tell
you that I love you too.

As I walk away.

Who is the most stunning woman
here? And how did I get so lucky?

I'm the lucky one.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you, Eddie.

[DINAH GASPS] You snake!

Miss Dinah Donahue and her
betrothed, Axel Rosenhips.

Dinah, I believe you know my
date, Eddie. From the club.

Pleasure.

Attention, everyone! Y'all having fun?

[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

Oh, good. Good. I'm so glad.

Hope you're enjoying your sloppy
joes and the cottage cheese.

[BREATHES DEEPLY] And the Boone's wine.

There's lots of Boone's.
Bottomless Boone's!

[APPLAUDING]

Now, if you would please help
me welcome the man of the hour,

Major Grant Herkimer.

The astronaut who saved me,
yours truly, from the watery deep!

[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

There he is! In his suit.

Astronaut Herkimer.

Uh, he was planning on
giving a speech tonight

about the importance
of coastal preservation,

but unfortunately,

he has come down with a very sudden
and nasty case of space laryngitis.

[ATTENDEES GASPING, MURMURING]

[MAXINE] He doesn't
wanna spread any germs.

So, for the rest of the evening,

he'll keep his visor down
in the deployed position.

But he's in there. [CHUCKLES]

Right? He can't say. [CHUCKLES]

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Really? Oh, my. [CHUCKLES]

"T-minus 90 till the president arrives."

That's what that man just said.

So, if you could please,
uh... uh, find your tables.

Uh, dinner will be served. Sloppy joes.

The president will arrive,
and the show will begin.

- [ATTENDEES APPLAUDING]
- [CHUCKLES] Thank you!

[CHUCKLES] Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

Hi.

I got a poster of you in my room.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

- Hey, don't panic. It's me. I'm here.
- [GASPS]

What in the hell are
you doing in that getup?

Helping Maxine.

I want you to have everything,
the house and the money.

But you're going to have to
choose between her and me.

[BENNY] Major Herkimer?

Oh, here's our table.

Are you sure?

Ah. I had no idea we'd
be sitting together.

But how cozy.

I know who made these place cards.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I'd recognize
your fourth-grade cursive anywhere.

Can't old friends enjoy a
meal? Like a double date...

[CHUCKLES] ... plus Mary.

Whoo! How about that spaceman, huh?

- Wonder if he drinks Tang. [CHUCKLES]
- Max, come join us.

- You having fun?
- Oh, yes.

- There's my queen.
- [CHUCKLES]

Maxine, we would like to
have the mic for five minutes.

You mind if I ask why?

- We're announcing the club tonight.
- [DOUGLAS] What a swell idea.

Mmm. What's the big rush?

It's the end of the season.

No one will care about anything
that happens after tonight.

Well, we haven't officially
signed our paperwork yet.

Well, I haven't, anyway.

I'm Norma's conservator.

There are lots of kinks that
require some ironing out.

- Kinks?
- Kinks.

[STAMMERS] Max. [SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

We talked about this.

No, Douglas, you talked about
this. I didn't agree to anything.

We can't just get rid of Norma's
house. Where is she gonna go?

Well, we could put her
back in Destiny Vistas.

Oh, I think she was happier there.

You cannot do anything
without my say-so. You said so.

What do... What do I say to Pinky?

How dare you? You backstabbing strumpet!

- You adulterous titmouse.
- Uh... [STAMMERS] ... ladies.

Uh, why don't we take this in the house?

- [SIGHS] Be right back, darling.
- Shall we? Quietly.

- [SIGHS]
- [STAMMERS] Okay. [SIGHS]

- [DINAH] You're being mean!
- [EVELYN] Stop it!

- Stop being such a child!
- You are supposed to be my friend.

Oh, please. We are not friends.

When have we even talked to
each other in the offseason?

- You're a whore.
- What?

- Oh. Okay.
- Whore.

[STAMMERS] Let's not just go
straight to blaming the other woman.

[SCOFFS] I can't help it if Eddie
doesn't wanna play second fiddle

- to a man with wooden teeth.
- They're resin!

I simply have more to offer.

[DINAH] A trailer in Port Salerno?

How long do you think he'll stick
around once he realizes you're broke?

- Let's be honest.
- [SIGHS]

We both know this is not Evelyn's fault.

She's... She's poor and... and alone.

Wait, you're right.

- This is all your fault, Maxine.
- My fault?

If you hadn't gotten Perry
arrested, I wouldn't be in this mess.

Please don't even mention
that sludge pig's name.

He is a cad of the worst sort.

I hate to admit it,
but I agree with Dinah.

This is your fault, Maxine.

How is your libido my fault?

I don't even wanna
think about your libido.

You flounce into town,
turn everything upside down,

and now look at me.

Left with a dead husband,
a house full of hippies

and having to cohost the
Beach Ball with a nitwit.

And if Eddie is my consolation prize,

well, then g*dd*mn it, it's my turn.

After putting up with Skeet Rollins
for 20 years and losing a whale,

Evelyn Rollins deserves
some wonderful cock!

[GASPS]

[SHUSHES] Let's, please, not
yell the word "cock" at my party.

- Cock!
- Oh, it's so wonderful.

[SHUSHES] Please! Let's just
not make this about a man, okay?

Le-Le-Let's make this
about ourselves as women...

Can it! This is very much about Eddie.

[MAXINE] Well, if that is the case,

need I remind you that I am keeping a

very important secret for you, Dinah?

That is about Eddie. And
if he found out about it,

- it would k*ll him.
- What secret?

Well, I... I can't tell you,
'cause it's a secret. [CHUCKLES]

[INHALES SHARPLY] My point
is, I have been a very,

very good friend to both of you.

And I am asking you, please, to be a

very, very good friend to me tonight.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Let
your bygones be gone!

The president of the
United States is coming.

And... And I demand
an... an air of civility.

Please. For the US of g*dd*mn A. [SIGHS]

Shove it up your keister, Maxine.

What she said.

My keister?

- What's the word, Dellacorte?
- [SIGHS]

When are we announcing?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, here's the funny thing. [SIGHS]

My wife said no.

[STAMMERS] Technically she's
the conservator of the estate.

[INHALES SHARPLY, STAMMERS] She
doesn't wanna give up the house.

Look, we had a deal.

And we still have a deal.
We can still do the club.

We simply need to find
somewhere else to do it.

No, no, no, no, no. It's
the house or nothing.

Does it have to be?

Yeah. I bought up the surrounding land.

We can't have your house sitting like a

f*cking empty doughnut
hole in the middle.

[STAMMERS] Okay. Well,
just... Give me more time.

[STAMMERS] I'll get her to
come around. I always do.

We're announcing tonight. Or else...

Or else what?

Fill in the blank, man. Look... Jesus.

[EVELYN] Are you all
enjoying yourselves?

[ATTENDEES CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

I hate to pry you away

- from your cottage cheese, but...
- [ATTENDEES LAUGHING]

... I have a proper
diversion for you right now.

A Palm Beach institution, The Coconuts.

[ATTENDEES CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

Whoo.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ We've got sunlight on the sand
We've got moonlight on the sea ♪

♪ We've got mangoes and bananas
We can pick right off a tree ♪

♪ We've got volleyball and
ping-pong And a lot of dandy games ♪

♪ What ain't we got?
We ain't got dames ♪

[ATTENDEES LAUGHING]

♪ We have nothin' To put
on a clean white suit for ♪

♪ What we need is what There
ain't no substitute for ♪

♪ There is nothin' like a dame ♪

♪ Nothing in the world ♪

♪ There is nothin' you can name ♪

♪ That is anything like a dame ♪

[PERRY] I mean, is he gonna pick
up where Johnson left off or what?

- [LAUGHING]
- I've seen him someplace before...

- Perry?
- ... but I can't remember.

Hey, there, hot stuff.

What the hell are you d... are
you d... are you doing here?

I was just chatting
with your fiancé. He...

Have a seat. Come and sit with us.

Yeah, boy, Axel was just, uh,

regaling me all about his
campaign for Hubert Humphrey.

- Right?
- No regaling, honey, going on here.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Well.

[BREATHES DEEPLY] What
are you doing here?

Come dance with me, handsome.
Remember, like we used to do?

Peachtree Street. La Carousel. Remember?

I don't feel like dancing, Max.

Oh, don't be a party pooper.

Do not poop on my party.

Oh, for f*ck's sakes, Maxine.
Pinky's gonna cut off my pinkies.

Wha...

[SINGERS] ♪ That can't be
cured By putting him near ♪

♪ A girlie, womanly ♪

♪ Female, feminine dame ♪

[ATTENDEES CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

Douglas, please, will you calm down?

There is no way Pinky's
gonna dice your digits.

Why in f*ck's sakes do you
think they call him Pinky?

[EXHALES DEEPLY] We are
not giving up this house!

- Why are you protecting Norma?
- [SCOFFS]

She doesn't give a sh*t about us.

She was gonna leave this
house to a bunch of cats!

Would you please just
keep your voice down?

This is our chance to
create something lasting.

[SIGHS]

There is no one to leave this
house to. [INHALES DEEPLY]

There's no kids. No legacy.

This club could be our legacy.

Something that Douglas
and... a-and Maxine Dellacorte

gave to Palm Beach.

I wanna leave something
behind. Something that matters.

Oh, honey.

sh*t. Sorry.

Oh.

No, honey, don't.

Honey.

I always felt like a failure
here. All this... You did all this.

I just hung up some seaweed.

[INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES SHAKILY]

I guess I just wanted to
do something on my own.

Let's do it.

Let's do the club.

A-Are you sure?

Look, I've been trying so
hard to break into society,

now society will come to me.

[CHUCKLES] Oh.

I love you. You won't regret this.

We can announce it after my number.

But, um, let me tell Norma first.

You sure you don't want me to tell her?

No, I think it's best if it comes
from me. We've gotten so close.

- [GROANS, CHUCKLES]
- [SQUEALS, CHUCKLES]

Are you all right, darling?

You're talking?

Only to you.

I've always liked you,
Mitzi, and... [INHALES DEEPLY]

... if you've got something
on your mind, you can tell me.

I'm a good listener.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Almost as good as a
manicurist or a bartender.

[SIGHS]

Guy problems.

Ugh, men. [GROANS] So unreliable.

You think you know them,
and then they just disappear.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

- Norma?
- Mm-hmm?

I'm in such trouble.

Oh. I think I know what it is, dear.

You don't know the half of it.

Your secret is safe with Norma.

Talking all this about
Mary k*lling the president.

We're obsessed with the
idea of saving the life

of a serial k*ller like Nixon?

I'm not saying we should
be a passive observer,

but look where we are.

I think we gotta let
whatever's gonna happen, happen.

I can't let whatever happens happen.

What are you driving at?

[SIGHS]

You don't know everything about me.

You're right. I've known
you for over three years.

I tell you everything. I don't
think you've told me anything.

I don't feel comfortable
sharing personal sh*t with you.

We're friends.

We're on the same side of history.
Alliances ain't friendships.

I know you don't wanna
be my friend, because...

every time I try to do
something to make a difference,

I make it worse.

- [SIGHS]
- People get hurt. Just stay away from me.

Well, it's all academic, 'cause
we're both going f*cking nowhere.

Yeah.

Hey. If all the women are
locked up, h-h-how are you out?

[CHUCKLES]

Why aren't you in jail?

I got friends in high places.

- Do you work for the man?
- [SCOFFS, CHUCKLES]

That's what it is, right?

With your undercover bookstore.

Rounding up all the draft dodgers...

and the feminists, the activists.

[CHUCKLES] You're drunk.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Bend over, let me see you
shake your tail feather.

Lookie-loo, do the boogaloo!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

You have some nerve... [EXHALES
SHARPLY] ... waltzing back in here.

It's the boogaloo, baby.

- [CHUCKLES] Admit it, you miss me.
- [SCOFFS]

You abandoned me, Perry.

I was arrested, sugarplum.

I should be the one mad
at you, moving on so fast.

You're right. [EXHALES HEAVILY]

- It was wrong of me.
- Yeah.

- I was just so lonely and scared.
- Mmm.

I never would've even
looked at another man if...

- Ha! I knew it.
- [GRUNTS]

- I knew you were wearing a wire.
- [STAMMERS]

- Testing, one, two, three.
- Hey, hey, hey.

What gives? You wanna send
me back to the big house?

What? Get your...

What's he doing back?

I wonder how Axel feels.

Yeah. I wonder how you feel.

- [CHUCKLES] I could not be happier.
- [SIGHS]

Clearly, I dodged a b*llet.

[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna
go get us some drinks.

Hurry back.

Nixon... [SIGHS] ... is trying to
get a jump on the next election.

And when he got word that my conniving,

gold-digging wife was
dating the Dems' top donor,

I got a pass to get close. So thank you.

♪ Oh, hey! ♪

Ann!

[PANTS] Oh! I got here
just in time. [GASPS] Oh.

Here's the slideshow retrospective

- of Norma's life.
- [SIGHS]

Also, I hope it's all
right if I say a few words?

I composed a little speech.

Oh, you didn't have to do this.

Jeezy-Creezy, Ann, you
were just in a coma.

Did they find out what happened?

Well, it was the wackiest thing.

After I drank that grasshopper of
yours, my blood sugar went all wonky.

- Oh.
- Doctors said I had too much insulin

in my system.

Insulin?

Like diabetics take. Isn't that strange?

- Yes.
- Oh, I'm gonna go get

this to the stage manager.

Very strange indeed.

Smile, Norma.

What a triumph for us all, my friend.

What do you think of
my new young paramour?

[NORMA CLICKS TONGUE, SCOFFS]

Mmm. With half the night's
proceeds your niece promised me,

I'll have a legitimate
sh*t at keepin' him.

You'll get half of my
money over my dead body.

Norma, you're... you're
s-s... you're speaking

with... [STAMMERS] ... actual
letters from the alphabet.

I am. Hmm.

Maxine doesn't call the
sh*ts around here. I do.

And you? [CHUCKLES]

You were never going to
be queen of this town.

You're an outsider, just like my niece.

And outsiders may be runners-up,
but, ooh, they never win.

Just wait till your boy
toy wakes up to that.

[EVELYN SIGHS]

I liked you better in a coma!

[CHUCKLES]

You're on your own, Maxine.

- What do you mean? Where ya goin'?
- Home.

What? You can't leave. You have to

announce me, and then I announce Norma.

Norma just told me I'd have
to pry my half of the proceeds

out of her cold, dead fist, which,
at this point, would be a privilege.

What... Norma...
[STAMMERS] Norma's talking?

She's been playing possum.

Well, if she's fooled you too,
you'd better watch your back,

'cause there are no depths to which

Norma won't stoop to get what she wants.

But our party!

I'm going back to my house to
f*ck. You can screw this party.

Eddie! Let's get out of here!

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

A word, Norma.

Hello, Norma.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Ann recovered from her
accident. Isn't that wonderful?

The doctors said they found a large
amount of insulin in her blood.

It's bizarre.

So many accidents happening
around here lately.

First my little spill
off the boat and now this.

It's really important that we
look after each other like family,

don't you think?

You're not a part of this family.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

You start talking, and that's the
first thing you're gonna say to me?

Why do you hate me so much?

Oh, don't be so damn sentimental.

- Sentimental? You tried to do me in!
- [SCOFFS]

[SCOFFS] All I ever wanted was
for you to think I was worthy.

Worthy of your-your nephew,
worthy of you,

worthy of being a goshdarn Dellacorte!

I want you out of my house!

Well, I'm not going anywhere.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

You heard me. I'm staying put.

And you should know...

this house isn't yours anymore anyway.

What are you blabbering about?

Douglas has decided to turn the
house... our house... into a club.

Wha... [SCOFFS]

And I agree with him.

We made this decision together,
because it's best for our family.

[STAMMERS]

Don't worry, Norma.

You'll always have a home here.

You have to learn how to share.

I'm still your conservator. I
would hate it if you had to...

go back to Destiny Vistas.

Wouldn't you?

So glad we understand each other.

The president will be
here in ten minutes.

Thank you.

Hear that? Ten minutes.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Best face forward.

- [SCOFFS]
- [MAXINE CHUCKLES]

[MAXINE] Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please!

The president will be
arriving in ten minutes.

[CHEERING, CHATTERING]

This is your time to shine, Ann.

Please put your hands together
for the stellar Shiny Sheet scribe.

We all know and love
her... Ms. Ann Holiday!

[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

Thank you. Oh, thank
you. [CLEARS THROAT]

- Lights, please. Oh.
- Let me get that for you. This is heavy.

She just woke from a coma. [CHUCKLES]

- [MAXINE] Right here?
- [ANN] Yes, okay. Thank you.

Oh. [CLEARS THROAT]

From a shy only child to a fierce
plastics-and-mouthwash heiress,

Norma Dellacorte
played by her own rules.

Norma grew up in a Swiss boarding
school, learning the social graces.

Upon her father's death,
she returned to Palm Beach,

taking over the family business.

She fired its board of directors,

replaced them with herself

and tripled Dellacorte revenues.

Norma made everyone feel as
if she knew them. Intimately.

Everyone who is anyone flocked
to her famous Beach Balls,

which raised millions of dollars.

Norma had many admirers,
if only one true love.

That was me.

[ANN] People loved and feared her.

But mostly, they wanted to be like her.

Well, hello.

If you don't mind...

what happened between you and Norma?

Tragedy changes people.

[STAMMERS] Soon after her father passed,

then Norma found her
boarding school roommate

dead at the bottom of the stairs.

Agnes was a diabetic.

They didn't live long
back in those days.

At least, not without a lot of money.

Her roommate was diabetic?

Uh, yes. Yes.

I followed her to Palm Beach.

But she just cut me right out.

She wouldn't see me.

She was a completely different person.

[ANN] Norma never married.

Well, she didn't need to, of course.

Who needed a king when
you were already a queen?

So let's raise our glasses in toast

to the once and future
queen of Palm Beach,

Norma Dellacorte!

[ATTENDEES APPLAUDING]

[ANN] Happy 50th Beach
Ball, Norma, dear.

Oh, gosh, we just... we
just love you so much.

[ANN CHUCKLES] We do.

Everything okay in
there, Major Herkimer?

It's me.

[SIGHS]

Where's... [SIGHS]
Where's the astronaut?

He left.

What? Are you gonna arrest me
for impersonating a spaceman?

No one in Palm Beach is who
they say they are anyway.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

- I can't drink on the job.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

Plus... [INHALES DEEPLY]

... my wife would k*ll me if I
came home with liquor on my breath.

You're married?

Yep.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Married my high school
sweetheart. Two kids.

- Well, that's complicated. [CHUCKLES]
- Hardly.

Being a family man makes
life a hell of a lot easier.

What about your wife?

You... You lie to her.

I'm not lying.

I love her.

Someone just asked me
to marry them tonight.

If you can fake being an astronaut,
you can fake being a husband.

[CHUCKLES] It's not that different.

You can be two things at the same time.

[ROBERT INHALES SHARPLY]

The feds had me going by
the alias "Perry Mason."

I was like, "Guys, I think
that one's already taken."

- [DOUGLAS] You're back, pal.
- [PERRY] Yeah.

Douglas.

Max. Look who's back.

- Hey there, Mrs. Dougie-doo. Sweet soiree.
- [DINAH CHUCKLES]

Perry, what are you, uh... what
are you doing home? [CHUCKLES]

Perry's here on some exciting
new government business.

Well, Douglas has some exciting new

business that he'll
be announcing tonight.

I talked to Norma. It's all set.

- You're a star!
- [CHUCKLES]

["HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYING]

- That's the president's theme song.
- Uh-huh.

[CHATTERING]

[APPLAUDING]

[CHEERING, WHISTLING]

- [GASPS]
- You wanna go meet the Chief?

- [DOUGLAS] You're damn straight I do.
- [DINAH] Whoo.

Oh, maybe ask him if he wants to be

the first official member
of the Dellacorte Club.

Break a leg, honey. [KISSES]

Mmm.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[CHEERING, APPLAUDING CONTINUES]

["HAIL TO THE CHIEF" CONCLUDES]

["THIRTEEN MEN" PLAYING]

Evelyn?

I felt so guilty about dragging
you away from the party,

I thought maybe we might put
on a little show of our own.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, do you hear that?

That's Evelyn's sex music.

I heard it every Tuesday
and twice on Sunday.

She and my dad had a schedule.

I just thought I might
show you who I really am.

You don't have a problem
with that, do you?

Oh, no. No, no, no. No problem at all.

Definitely do not have
a problem with that.

[SIGHS] Well, good.

Because this might be all there is.

I, um, lost my house,

and... [INHALES SHARPLY]
... well, most of my money,

and I'm supposed to be living
in a trailer in Port Salerno.

Where?

I know. But it doesn't change
how you feel about me, does it?

- [LINDA] Evelyn!
- [POUNDING]

What was that? [EXHALES SHARPLY]

[LINDA] Evelyn! [BREATHES
HEAVILY] Get us out!

- Linda? I thought you were at an ashram.
- [VIRGINIA] Open the door.

No. Get us out. Mary's
gonna k*ll the president.

[PANTS]

Get us out.

- No.
- [VIRGINIA STAMMERS]

- What?
- The president is gonna get sh*t.

Can it, Virginia.
This is between family.

What? What do you want?

I want my house back

- and half your trust fund.
- [LINDA] No.

Well, then the president will
die, and it'll be all your fault.

Evelyn, this is a matter
of national security.

It is my security that
I am bartering for here.

What has Richard Milhous Nixon
ever done for Evelyn Marie Rollins?

You should listen to them, Evelyn.

Eddie, you've gotta
listen to me and trust me.

- I can give us a beautiful life.
- [GASPS]

Wealth is just a hinge of luck,

- and this is our hinge.
- [WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Look, Linda, you have more
than you will ever need,

and I wiped your father's ass
for 20 years because of you.

You owe me, princess.

Oh, my God! Fine. [SIGHS]

Pinky swear.

- [SIGHS, INHALES SHARPLY]
- [POUNDS]

- Fine.
- Open the f*cking door.

Wait. Wait! Wait! Wait.

Mitzi, where's Robert?

Astronaut Grant needs to push
Norma out for her big entrance.

We don't know. He vanished.

[SIGHS] Why would he leave me like this?

I had a long talk with Norma.

[MITZI INHALES DEEPLY, STAMMERS]

She said I should say what's on my mind.

Of course. You should always
say what's on your mind.

I'm pregnant.

[INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES HEAVILY]

Do you know what you're
gonna do? It's your choice.

Well, I've... I've always
wanted to be a mother.

Oh.

But it's so complicated.

No, no, it's... it's not complicated.

If you've always wanted to be
a mother, it's not complicated!

You go down there and you tell
that man he needs to marry you.

Tell who what?

Your baby's father.

Perry Donahue is sitting right there in

the front row next to President Nixon.

He needs to know what
he's put you through.

- No. [SOBS] No, Maxine... [SIGHS]
- Yes, yes, Mitzi.

In this lifetime, Perry Donahue
needs to d-do the right thing.

He needs to know.

Women need to have the
balls to say what they want,

or they're never gonna get it. Never.

[EXHALES SHAKILY]

Go.

Go.

[BREATHES SHAKILY, SNIFFLING]

[MAXINE] It's gonna be okay.

Poor thing.

It's nice to see you come around, Norma.

See? We can all be friends.

- [DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ATTENDEES APPLAUDING]

[ATTENDEES CHEERING]

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC ENDS]

[ATTENDEES APPLAUDING]

[MAXINE] Thank you!

Thank you so much.

[ATTENDEES WHISTLING, CHEERING]

Thank you. Thank you, everyone!

Welcome to the 50th
anniversary of the Beach Ball!

[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

Thank you so much.

Oh. [SIGHS]

And Mr. President, we are
honored to have you this evening.

Thank you for being here. Thank you.

Thank you, everyone.

[DOUGLAS] Are you sure?

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

When I was a little girl...

[BREATHES SHAKILY] ... my...
my orphanage caught on fire.

And I'll never forget the
look on Sister Mary's face

as she wrapped me up in her arms and...

[BREATHES SHAKILY]... and... and
ran through the burning building.

And I... I stood outside on the pavement

in my pajamas and... [BREATHES SHAKILY]

... and... and... and watched the
whole building go up in flames.

And I remember I said to myself...

"Is that all there is to a fire?

Is that all there is?"

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

♪ If that's all there is, my friends ♪

[VOICE BREAKING] ♪ Then
let's keep dancing ♪

♪ Let's break out the booze and ♪

♪ And have a ball ♪

♪ If that's all ♪

♪ There is ♪

[INHALES SHARPLY] So, after
that, I, um... I had nothing.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

What's wrong with a little
girl who wants to be someone,

somewhere, someday? [CHUCKLES]

And what better place than
in Palm Beach, Florida?

Let's hear it for Palm Beach!

I said, let's hear it for my
friends and neighbors! [CHUCKLES]

Raquel. Why don't you give
everyone a wave, Raquel?

That's Raquel!

Yeah, wave those big
sausage fingers in the air,

covered in those big
fat jewels. [CHUCKLES]

You know, her husband, Pinky, buys
all her jewelry at a pawn shop.

Yes, and I know that because I sold some

of my aunt's jewelry there for cash.

Blammo!

- I said blammo!
- [DRUM PLAYS RIM sh*t]

Thank you.

Um. Oh, my. Okay.

Evelyn Rollins. [CHUCKLES]

Let's talk about Evelyn Rollins.

She's not here tonight, of course.

Um, she's, uh...

she's getting cunnilingus
from a tennis pro...

- [ATTENDEES GASP]
- ... who thinks she has money.

But she doesn't. Did you hear?

Evelyn Rollins is broke.

She's got nothing.

Speaking of having nothing, ladies
and gentlemen, Dinah Donahue!

Dinah Donahue.

No one plays the game in
this town better than Dinah.

Although I... I will admit, she,
uh... she tried to warn me. She did.

She tried to warn me, but
I didn't listen to her.

'Cause I believed in love.

But that's real hard, Dinah.

Tonight, that's real...
that's really hard.

So maybe when we all get home tonight,

we can... we can look at
ourselves in the mirror...

Right, Dinah, you do this too.

You look at yourself in the
mirror, and you ask yourself,

"Is that all there is?"

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you.

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

Come on, it's a party!

♪ Is that all there is, my friends? ♪

♪ Then let's keep
dancing like monkeys ♪

♪ Let's bring out the Boone's and... ♪

♪ And pretend to have a ball ♪

♪ If that's all ♪

Sorry.

♪ There is ♪

And I fell in love...

with the most wonderful boy.

Oh, we'd go for long
walks by the river, and...

he'd take me flying, flying in his...

his twin-engine biplane. [CHUCKLES]

It was just the two of us.

It felt that way.

And we were so in love.

Until...

Until about four minutes ago when I

found out he was f*cking my manicurist.

- [CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES]
- [ATTENDEES MURMURING]

Let's hear it for Douglas!

Let's give him a hand!

[ROBERT COUGHS]

[MAXINE] And Mitzi. Stand up, Mitzi.

That's Mitzi, the manicurist.

And my friend. [CHUCKLES]

Mitzi.

[MOUTHING WORDS] I'm sorry.

Uh, Mitzi's gonna be a model. Whoo!

And I also found out that she is, um...

she's gonna be a mother. [CHUCKLES]

See? A woman really can have it all.

Even in 1969.

[VIRGINIA] Linda, wait!

[MAXINE] Well, let's, uh...
Yes. Let's get back to the song.

I worked real hard on
this, so if you just...

We're gonna go back to the song.

If you guys could count me in
and... and... and... [SNIFFLES]

Getting a little depressing so
let's... let's pick it up a little bit.

Can you just pick up the
pace? Six... Six, seven, eight.

- [MUSIC PLAYING]
- Thank you.

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

Faster.

♪ If that's all there is, my friends ♪

♪ Then let's keep dancing ♪

[EXHALES SHAKILY]

♪ All... huh ♪

♪ If that's all ♪

♪ There is ♪

Now, you may be asking yourselves,

"Well, if she really feels that way,
why doesn't she just end it all?"

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Oh, no. Not me.

I'm not ready for my...

my final disappointment.

But as I stand here in front of you...

I know when I breathe
that last breath...

that I'm gonna ask myself,

"Is that all there is?"

[SIGHS]

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

♪ If that's all there is, my friends ♪

[CHUCKLES] God, this is fun.

♪ Then let's keep dancing ♪

I can't believe I considered
spending my life with you...

Agnes.

[MAXINE] ♪ Have a ball ♪

What... Why did you call me that?

♪ If that's all ♪

♪ There is ♪

Gentlemen, I think I've had enough
cottage cheese. [CLEARS THROAT]

Now, let's get the hell out of here.

Oh, no, no, no. Mr.
President, please don't leave.

No, Mr. President, please don't leave.

Please don't leave! [BREATHING SHAKILY]

- Robert, where are you going?
- [MAXINE] Please don't leave.

Please don't leave me, Mr. President.
Please, Mr. President. Please.

- Maxine. Maxine.
- [MAXINE] Please!

- Please! Don't you turn your back on me.
- Come here. Come here.

- If you leave, you'll be sorry!
- [TOM] Get away from the crazy lady!

- [MAXINE SCREAMS]
- She's not crazy.

[MAXINE] Don't leave!

Please, Mr. President.

This is what an American
woman looks like, Nixon!

No. [PANTING]

[LINDA] No!

[g*nsh*t ECHOES]

- ["SOMETHING" PLAYING]
- [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[MAXINE] Robert! Please! No!

- [MAXINE] Let go of me!
- Max!

[SOBS] Robert!

[MAXINE] Let go of me!

[MAXINE] Robert!