01x05 - The Break In

[bunniefuu]

Hey, how's it going, man?
How's it going?

- What the hell is wrong with you?
- What?

- Keep your voice down.
- Sorry.

Nice mask. Is it itchy?

This is itchy, sometimes.

Jesse told me
that you're adequate at picking locks.

I had my cellmate,
when I was in jail,

he's really good at B&E,
like a Jedi.

- He taught me the ways of the Force...
- All right, good.

We really broke up the time
the three weeks I was in there, so...

- What?
- What?

You were in jail for three weeks?
Who goes to jail for three weeks?

It wasn't really jail. It was more,
like, this scare straight thing

- that my parents...
- Shut up.

There's an old lady who lives here
who's got something of mine.

Look, my wife had a yardsale
and didn't tell me about it,

and she sold my old canister vacuum.

I don't know what that is.

- It's a vacuum cleaner.
- Oh, sorry.

Wait. You're doing this all
for a vacuum cleaner?

You know,
my nana has a vacuum cleaner.

It's really nice,
it has all these attachments.

I don't want your nana's vacuum cleaner.
I want my vacuum cleaner.

- You understand?
- All right.

Unless your nana's vacuum cleaner
has $47,000 in it.

I don't think so.

- Is it how old people keep their money?
- Just shut up.

My drug money were part of it.
I want it back.

So what happens the first time
she plugs it in and tries to use it?

- I don't know.
- No, you don't know.

What if you just went to her front door,
and was, like,

- "I want to buy it back."
- I tried that, believe me.

She's not interested.
And I offered her double, no.

What an old bitch.

Don't talk. Come on.

See? The canister's right down there,
can you see it?

Liar. I've been all around the garage,
and every door and window

is locked shut, bolted.
There's no way in, except the lock.

So you go and pick it,
while I keep an eye out.

Do you have a lock-pick?

You didn't bring a lock-pick?

What happened to your Jedi skills?

Thing about that is,
I used to use my cellmate's lock-pick.

And he kept it up his butt,
in case he ever got arrested.

So, that's not really my thing.

So I was thinking maybe you,
you know...

So your thinking was...

that I would have a lock-pick...

up my ass.

Is that right?

You know,
if we set your car on fire,

it causes a distraction
and the old lady will run out.

We'll tackle her, knock her out...

Why on earth would I set
my own car on fire?

Okay, that's probably
a bad idea, too.

Go to the front door, knock on it,

when she answers it,
I pop her in the face.

Done, easy.

We are not going to b*at up
an old lady.

Come on, man.
I bet she's slow as sh*t.

That's not what I mean.
It's right there!

What if...

Listen, she's got pool cleaning supplies
and pool stuff.

There's chlorine.
You can chloridate her.

- You know?
- No, and you mean chloroforme her.

Chloroforme her with chlorine?
What's wrong with you?

- Come on, you're like MacGyver.
- Shut the f*ck up.

You're not helping at all.

- I bet you the keys are under the mat.
- Okay, fine!

Badger's getting the job done.

Thank God.

You're welcome.