02x09 - Not the End Yet

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come on in, roomie.

- You're in a good mood.
- Mm-hmm.

Are you doing one of your dr*gs

and finger painting Groupons again?

It was Wine and Watercolors. And no.

I'm making my first life pie chart,

found in an old Oprah Magazine.

Every slice represents a
different aspect of your life.

I've wanted to make one
every year on my birthday,

except this year is the first time

I actually have every slice,

so it's not a depressing empty circle.

It's your birthday?

Yes. Thank you for remembering.

- So before you ask...
- I wasn't going to.

First up, the friendship slice.

Congratulations. You're
a part of that one.

It's an honor to be
part of your weird pie.

Then the romance slice, which
didn't totally work out with TJ,

but that's because of the family slice,

which I'm supes excited about,

because I will be freezing my eggs.

It won't be cheap, but I will
narrowly be able to afford it

due to the tiny but mighty work...

- Are you still listening?
- I haven't started.

Nell, I need to talk to you about
something in the living room.

Oh! Surprise birthday gift.

[GIGGLES]

Come on, Edward, just get on with it.

I'd rather not sit here doing chitchat

when we could be doing what-what.

- There's something I need to tell both of you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Would you?
- Oh.

So I've been going back and
forth for a couple of days

on who to tell first.

Nell, even though you have
about as much restraint

around my snacks as a howler monkey...

- Thank you.
- ... we have become very close friends.

And, Lexi, my lover, my muse,

you've awakened parts of
my body I haven't even...

Not on my birthday. Yeah? Thank you.

For those aforementioned reasons,

I thought I could just tell
you both at the same time.

Duncan is selling the newspaper.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAM CONTINUES]

Are you done screaming?

- Wait, that was me?
- Mm-hmm.

I thought it was you.

- Is she done yelling?
- Yeah.

So wait, what does this mean?

I mean, who is he gonna sell it to?

Another owner or a syndicate?

I don't know. There was
just a bunch of people

and they were wearing suits,
and there was paperwork,

and there was hand shaking,

and there was grumblings
about newspaper sales.

Lexi, y-you have to talk to your dad.

You got to get him to stop this.

Of course. I'll have my
lawyer contact Father's lawyer.

That's how we plan Christmas.

No, you have to talk to him yourself.

You're... He's your dad.

You got to just tell him, "Hey,
I don't want you to do this.

I don't want you to sell it."

You know, this is important.
My pie is on the line.

- Are you never not hungry?
- Doesn't matter.

Just put on your most powerful
power suit, the pin-striped one,

the one with the... the shoulders

that makes you look like Lady Capone.

Oh, I usually save
that one for depositions

or the funerals of my
enemies, but I'm on it.

Alright. This is gonna be fine.

Everything's gonna work out great.

We all just need to remain calm.

How are we supposed to remain calm?

We're all gonna lose our jobs.

- Okay, not necessarily.
- That's true.

A friend of mine in San Francisco

whose paper was bought out,

it actually made more
money, created more jobs,

and everybody was way happier.

- See?
- Yeah.

Okay. No! No! I have kids.

Look, it hasn't happened
yet, and it might not.

Okay, Lexi's gonna talk to Duncan

and get him to stop the sale.

Lexi should be back any time now.

Well, see, that's great,

because Lexi, she gets what she wants.

She got the pope to attend her wedding.

- He got her a toaster.
- That's cheap.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

Oh, and I'm sorry about
dry-heaving into your...

♪ Birthday present ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

- We really bad at harmonizing.
- Yes, we are.

- Yeah. We were supposed to do rehearsals.
- It's alright.

Mm, the traditional
scratchers and condoms.

Yes! And then we're gonna go to
Cricket's and we're gonna party,

except for you 'cause you can't drink.

Sober on my birthday.

I just don't like the sound of it.

And actually, ladies,
before the festivities,

we have a paper to put out.

So, Nell, I have your
next obituary assignment.

Donna Hill.

Looks like she was an editor
at this very newspaper.

Ooh. My girl was feisty.

Can we just, like, wait a day on Donna?

You know, there's so much
going on, and it's my birthday.

- And sent.
- My birthday was on the day the Berlin Wall fell.

I downed a Hefeweizen
and kept on writing.

- Ah. Wunderbar.
- What?

- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- Hello, Father.

Oh, look at you in your
little cute power suit,

like you're Diane Sawyer.

Hey, Olaf, how would I
look with Sawyer shoulders?

Uh, it's come to my attention
that you're selling the paper.

Oh, isn't it wonderful?

I was so worried we'd have to
go down with this sinking ship.

But I was able to knock off
a couple women and children

out of the last lifeboat out of here.

Hey, Olaf, a little looser here, huh?

Let... Let the stooges breathe.

It's just all happening so fast.

Well, you know, you got to
strike while the iron is hot.

- I'm just not sure...
- Look, I don't want you to worry, okay?

I got you the paper just so
you'd have something to do,

but I'll make sure you're taken care of.

You'll be fine. And you're welcome.

Thank you.

Ow. Okay.

Olaf, I'm here for
tailoring, not a vasectomy.

I started as a paper boy.

Yeah, that's right. I said paper boy.

They didn't have paper girls.

Put my hair under a cap and
a rolled-up sock in my pants

and I called myself Donny.

Are you taking notes?

I'm sorry, Donna. It's just a weird day.

I found out that they're
going to sell the paper.

What?

Oh, come on.

This place is an institution.

I worked here for decades,
from Carter to Obama,

from IBM Selectrics to Internet p*rn.

Do you have any idea

how many pairs of nylons
I went through here?

Lots? But don't get
them in a bunch, okay?

It might not even happen.

It will if those corporate
buzzards have any say,

They want to take over print journalism

so they can line their pockets

and pick at the carcass of democracy.

You can't let this happen.

DUNCAN: Okay, my bullpen dwellers,

everybody gather around, huh?

I just want to address
some of the scuttlebutt

that's been kind of swirling
around the office here.

What's happening? Where's Lexi?

It is true. We are selling the paper,

but please rest assured
that your jobs will be safe.

Ohh.

Or they won't be, right?

You know, don't have
a crystal ball, right?

But this gentleman right
here, he would know.

His name is Quentin Nelson,

and he is the corporate
efficiency specialist

who will be representing the company

who is buying, well, all of you.

So, uh, have fun, huh?

[ALL MURMURING]

Lexi was supposed to stop this.

Okay, let's not panic yet.
Okay, maybe she's got a plan.

Well, I'm gonna find her.

Okay, we're not gonna just sit here

while some corporate buzzard

picks at the carcass of democracy.

Aah.

Buzzards are actually quite
essential to the ecosystem

- and have excellent hearing.
- Yeah.

Just like me.

Ooh, never tell the
buzzards they're buzzards.

- Buzzards hate that.
- Mm-hmm.

Um, hello. What are you doing here?

There's some corporate grim
reaper at the paper right now

- who's looking to cut jobs.
- Yes. I've heard.

That's why I've been
working on something.

Oh, okay, that's great.

Ooh, man, you had me
worried there for a second.

I should have known that
you had a plan to save us.

Let's just say all the
pieces are coming together.

Hot damn. This is what you need.

Get a bunch of women in a
room and watch things change.

It's called Woofs and Catters.

It's a board game you
play with your pets.

Your dogs and cats, never birds.

Maybe we are gonna
need men. Just kidding.

But this lady's a goner.

Is this what you've
been up to all morning?

- Yep.
- Yes, and so creative.

It's really impressive artwork, babe.

Thank you.

[BARKS]

Okay, she's [BLEEP] up.

[GASPS] Dennis. Dennis.

So, I ran into that Quentin
guy in the break room.

And I told him about how
great you are at your job.

He is tough, but I think I
made a really good case for you.

Sammy, that is so sweet.

It's not about sweetness, Dennis.

- Oh.
- It's about saving your ass.

And you're about to go in there
and do the same for me, okay?

So get in there and tell him how
amazing I am, you little bitch.

- Oh.
- Let's go. We're moving.

Hi. Uh, yes, I don't think we've met.

Dennis Simbeaux-Jones. I'm
the... the Metro editor.

- Yes. Mr. Simbeaux-Jones.
- Yeah.

I was just adding Ms.
Holkar's comments to your file.

Oh. And that is wonderful.

Sam is an incredible editor.

I mean, if anyone has her
finger on the pulse of fashion,

- it's my girl.
- Hm.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

Um, also, she manages to
keep her work under wraps

despite being a newly
divorced mother of two.

That sounds difficult.

I mean, when life kicks her down,

she just kicks right
on back, like Popeye.

Except she doesn't eat spinach.

Actually, I don't think I've
ever seen her eat spinach,

but I know that she drinks wine.

Are you insinuating she
has a drinking problem?

I mean, sure, does she need
to take the edge off sometimes?

Yes. But, I mean, who doesn't?

- I don't.
- Me neither.

And I-I don't ever drink,
which is why I sleep so well,

but not Sam, because I
think she's an insomniac.

And honestly, I'm just
gonna... [CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God, Dennis.

I'll just grab this on the way out.

[MUFFLED TALKING]

Nell, do you think a
precisely aimed laser pointer

could convince a cat to
pick up a playing card?

Yeah, yeah, it gets the cat
to the card, but then what?

Also, this is ludicrous.

Lexi, what happened with your dad?

Did you get to talk to him?

[GASPS]

You know, when I was 8 years old,

I desperately wanted a dog.

But of course Father informed me

that canines aren't indoor creatures.

They're just for duck hunting

and delivering brandy
to avalanche survivors.

So instead, he bought me a horse

because at least that could
take me to the Olympics.

You see, my father has this
way of taking away my dreams

but then replacing
them with something else

I apparently want just as much.

So you didn't talk to him?

Nell, it's okay. I'm going to be fine.

I have a very large savings

and a very rational prototype
for Woofs and Catters.

Oh, I see. So the important thing

is that you're
going to land on your feet.

Exactly. Much like cats,

who, again, are the target
audience for Woofs and Catters.

Well, she's not gonna help
keep the buzzards at bay.

[CHUCKLES] It's time for you
to put on your big-girl nylons

and go save your job.

Can you spare some milk, Nell?

How adorable.

QUENTIN: When you
first asked me to speak

to your niece's business
class, I was flattered,

but then I got suspicious once
my GPS led me to a wine bar.

I...

Should have trusted my gut.

Well, I was just worried
that if I told you

it was my birthday, you wouldn't come

and we'd miss out on
Quentin, life of the party.

Only if it's an analytics party.

By the way, ain't no party
like an analytics party.

- I'll take your word for it.
- But I know what you're doing.

You're trying to butter me up.

Butter? What? [SCOFFS] No.

What is... Let's get
you a drink, Q-dawg.

Cricket!

Nicknames create an informal atmosphere

that I find inappropriate.

Q-dawg?

- Q-dawg.
- Hello, birthday girl.

Now, listen, I want
you to forget all about

that dumb work nonsense
and that corporate suit

- that's got the stick up...
- Crick... Cricket.

Cricket, uh, this is Quentin.

- Oh, hi.
- He is the guy who decides

who gets to keep their job at the paper.

- Isn't that impressive?
- Yes.

Actually, my title is
corporate efficiency specialist,

but I don't like to brag.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, well, you didn't.

But you know what I'm hearing?

This is for you.

Really shouldn't drink
at a work function.

Oh, well, lucky for
you it's my birthday.

Yay! Get it, Q-dawg.

Q-dawg.

Let me go get you some more wine.

Don't worry. I will talk
to Quentin and fix this.

You better, okay? I need a drink.

Oh, uh, maybe don't get a drink yet.

He kind of thinks you're an alcoholic.

You spoke to him for 30 seconds.

- I know.
- [GROANS]

SAM: Oh, no. Oh, look, what is he doing?

He is rubbing his hair
and sniffing his hands.

What does that even mean?

I don't know. Maybe he's
talking about your hair

and that it smells like coconuts.

Am I a calculator?

Because all your problems are solved.

- Really?
- Yes.

There's just a couple little teeny-weeny

insignificant details you
want to know about yourself.

- Great.
- You once donated a kidney.

You saved Dolly Parton from a
fire, and you won "Survivor."

- Which season?
- 16.

- I hate 16!
- Alright.

For my new friend and
broseph in business.

- Is this a bribe?
- No.

It is simply just the most
expensive flight of wine.

And there's more where that came from,

'cause I stole my daddy's AmEx.

- Ah, you made it.
- I did.

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.

I bet this wasn't the
party you intended.

I didn't think that my guest of honor

would be the man who
might take our jobs,

but all good, you know?

I'm gonna take this hefty
glass of Cabernet over there,

and I'm gonna talk myself up to Quentin.

And once I've locked myself
in, I'll wave you over,

- and you can take a cr*ck at him.
- Okay.

But I'm telling him
it's my birthday, too.

Tricky.

And they said that I'm
only legally allowed

to have three cats and...

Mason, your father's
here, and he looks pissed.

Oh, damn it. I'm so grounded.

- Hey.
- Hi.

That adorable man
baby was so nice to me.

He gave me four glasses of
wine, and I drank them quick.

Okay, Raggedy Anne
loosen the screw for you.

But this guy is wound up so tight,

you're gonna have to be strong
and really sell yourself.

Look, uh, I'm just gonna
level with you, my guy.

You're here to evaluate our job,

and I'm here to tell you
why the paper needs me.

Yes, preach.

I am a strong female journalist

who brings important
stories to my readers.

Uh-huh. Sing it.

Stories of famous people, common people.

Okay, we're losing
him. You better pivot.

- Pivot!
- I started off as a paper boy.

That's right. You heard me. Paper boy.

I had a sock in my pants
and some pants in my shoes,

and I called myself Bonnie.

Okay, you really butchered that.

I really hear you, my guy.

But after today's assessment
and based on the numbers,

Q-dawg was forced to recommend

that they nuke and pave the place.

- Nuke and pave?
- No, no, no, no, no.

That's where they sell
the paper for parts.

Nuke. [IMITATES expl*si*n]
And pave. [IMITATES PAVING]

Was that really insensitive
or just really good noises?

I don't drink a lot. Oops.
Oh, pee's in the pipeline.

Got to go. Got to back this thing up.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!

Go after him. Follow
him to the bathroom.

I'm not going to watch a man pee.

You cannot let this go on.

The world needs reporters.

We are the truth, and we
shine a light in the darkness.

- Look, I tried.
- We are the keepers of a free society.

I tried my best, but...

Okay, you might want to
put on some earphones,

because you look crazy.

I always look crazy, don't I? I just...

- [CHUCKLES]
- Can't find your earphones?

No, I didn't know you
were coming tonight.

Party!

If reporters tell the
truth, here's mine.

My job is gone.

I broke up with that
perfectly nice guy over there

because I was gonna freeze my eggs,

and now I can't even afford it.

So you want to know what?

I don't want to talk to you anymore,

because I'm turning 39 years
old, and in my free society,

I get to get hammered on my birthday.

Mm.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Thank you.

Hey, there, buddy.

I thought you were off the sauce.

- Everything okay?
- You know what?

- I don't want to talk about it.
- I don't want to hear about it.

- I like your attitude.
- I like your attitude.

- Do you want to do some sh*ts?
- It is my birthday.

- Two sh*ts!
- Two sh*ts!

Jinx!

- Aah!
- [LAUGHS]

♪ Hey, oh, let's go ♪

♪ They're formin' in a straight line ♪

[LAUGHS]

- BOTH: Oh!
- ♪ They're goin' through a tight one ♪

- Let's go!
- ♪ The kids are losin' their minds ♪

- Oh!
- Aaah!

No!

No.

Oh, no!

♪ Let's go ♪

[YAWNS]

Oh, no. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

- Good morning.
- Hello.

So sorry to ask this,

but while I muster up the
energy to move any of my limbs,

what exactly happened last night?

♪ There's a stranger in my bed ♪

♪ There's a pounding in my head ♪

- ♪ Glitter all over the room ♪
- [GRUNTING]

♪ Pink flamingos in the pool ♪

♪ It's a blacked-out blur ♪

♪ But I'm pretty sure it ruled ♪

[BELCHES]

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, we danced on tabletops ♪

- [BOTH SHOUTING]
- ♪ And we took too many sh*ts ♪

♪ Think we kissed, but I forgot ♪

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, we maxed our
credit cards and we... ♪

[DISCORDANT NOTES PLAY]

Is that Adele?

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, we danced on tabletops ♪

- It's my pie.
- Pie.

Yes, Oprah came up with
this life-goal pie thing.

Sorry, that wasn't a
question. It was a statement.

Pie. We should get pie.

Yes.

Everyone always hates me at my jobs.

Even you called me a corporate buzzard.

Buzzards can be good.

They use the whole carcass, you know.

This terrible job has had
me living out of hotels

for the last two years.

I didn't even remember what a
full-sized shampoo bottle looks like.

Do you even need shampoo?

Could I stay the night here
with you completely clothed

- while you hold me?
- Uh...

I can't go back to the DoubleTree

next to the freeway tonight.

♪ But this Friday night ♪

If nothing happened between
us, why do I feel so... dirty?

They're still pie in my bed.

- Ah.
- Mm.

- I should go.
- Great idea.

- Hm.
- Yeah.

DONNA: I told you to go after him.

Didn't know you'd go
all the way after him.

I didn't sleep with him.

I slept next to his weeping form.

You know, as an editor,

it's my job to push my
writers to do their best work.

But when a writer is
doubting their strength,

it's my job to boost them up.

Yeah, I'll take a boosting.

Now, when you get ready
to write an obituary,

do you look at the person's
life in little pieces,

or do you look at the whole story?

- The second one.
- Exactly.

It's a journalist's job
to write the whole story.

Now, if I were going
to write your obituary,

I would say, "Yes,

life keeps kicking Nell
Serrano in the front dumper.

Her career is stalled.
Her love life sucks."

I don't like your literary style.

"But she's strong.

She faces things head-on
and keeps moving."

Now, not everyone can
say that about themselves.

Hey, you. Still working
on Woofs and Catters?

I've hit a snag.

It turns out dogs can't roll dice.

Can they paw a spinner?

Well, where were you six hours ago?

You don't want to know.

Hey, Lexi, I wanted to say I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have pushed
you to confront your dad

before you were ready.

No, I'm the one who should apologize.

I've let everyone down.

And it's a shame, because
I've... I've grown to like

and actually care about
everyone at the paper.

Even Tina with her warm salads
and you with your poor posture.

Look, if you want to sit here
and work on Woofs and Catters

for the next month, I'll sit with you.

But I... I don't know.

I think that you have
some unresolved feelings.

And maybe you need to have
that chat with your dad.

We don't talk about feelings, okay?

In our family, that's... that's
just a sign of being weak.

You are the strongest person I know.

Actually, you're somewhat terrifying.

Oh, Nell, you're just
being nice because I'm sad.

No, you scare the crap out of me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And this is not about me or the job,

but I think you have
something to say to your dad,

and you should say it.

And he should listen.

You deserve that.

Thank you, Nell.

Just one thing.

You're going to want to
monitor Arthur's bowel movements

quite carefully over
the next several days.

I fear he may have ingested
more than a few dice.

In fact, I'm certain of it.

[CHUCKLING] No.

Arthur?

[WHIMPERS]

Hmm. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

Any good snacks in there?

You know, like those
little cottage cheese cups

you could squeeze your own fruit in.

Oh, I love those.

What are you doing in the break room?

I don't know.

I just thought I'd take
one last look around.

Did Lexi talk to you?

No, I haven't seen her.

You know, Mr. Rhodes, I
got... I got to give it to you.

You sell the paper.

You put everybody's job in jeopardy,

and you're not even fazed by it.

To be honest, I...

I don't know how you live with yourself.

You know, there's one thing
I learned in business, Nell,

and that's that, uh, everything ends.

Huh.

Everything.

Nell, did you hear?

Mr. Rhodes collapsed. He's
being rushed to the hospital.

Well, I guess it's too late

for me to get one of
those cottage cheese cups.

Ohh.

I have my doubts about this, too.

There's a lot of places
we'd rather be right now,

but Lexi asked us to test this
game out. So let's keep going.

Alright, Kevin, you're up.

Bodhi, couldn't you have
done that before we got here?

Do you see me showering
in the middle of the game?

Kevin, it's your turn, bud.

- [GRUNTS]
- I'll do it.

Ooh. Five spaces.

One woof, two woofs, three
woof, four woof, five woof.

Fire Hydrant Lane, which
means you draw a card.

- [GRUNTS]
- Which I will do.

It says, "Who's a good boy?"

I presume that means you and
to give you five kibble snacks.

One, two, three, four, five.

Here you go, buddy.
Nope, that was for Kevin.

This is a barking nightmare.

- [CAT YOWLS]
- Oh, come on, Bodhi.

Don't be like that.

Arthur, you were right
to sit this round out.

[BARKS]