01x02 - Bed Races

[bunniefuu]

[horn honking]
[gasps]

Geez.
Hey.

[growls]

Dang.

[panting]

[grunts]

PEDRO:
Hello, Napoleon.

NAPOLEON:
Hey, Pedro.

[grunting]

[sighing]

[rooster crowing]

Good morning, and welcome
to Cock-A-Doodle, Preston!

I'm Art Doodle.

And I'm Janet Kocka.

I hate this show.

They have no chemistry at all.

You don't need chemistry when
you're a babe like Janet Kocka.

So, what did you do
last night, Art?

Changed my oil,
buried my mother, went to bed.

You lead the life, Art.

Yeah, well.

That Art Doodle--

I could watch him
read the phone book.

He does that
Fridays at 8:00.

You know what time of year
it is, right, Art?

Yeah, spray the
cattle for pinkeye.

That and the Preston
Bed Races!

Turn it up!
This is my segment!

Every year,

the citizens of Preston
race their beds

down Main Street in the town's
most beloved tradition.

Hey!

Oh, man, what was I thinking

with that ascot?

JANET:
Anyone can win,

but my money's on six-time
defending champion,

Grandma Dynamite.

[cheering and whooping]

♪ ♪

Grandma and I smoke
you guys every year.

Your bed's too easy
to push, Kip.

You're the smallest man
who ever lived.

You only weigh, like, 40 pounds.

Napoleon, you were born a loser,
you'll die a loser,

and I will do interpretive
funk jazz on your grave.

Good one, Kipper.

So, what do you say?

You ready to hop in Grandma's
bed and have a good time?

Sick!

Napoleon, it's a bed race.

Everything is going to sound
like a double entendre.

I got a double
entendre for you.

You two are finally
gonna lose this year

to Team Rico-poleon.

Yeah, I already drew
us a sweet team logo.

And I've been chugging
cow's blood.

Worked for Dracula.

He's fast as crap.

GRANDMA:
Sorry, Rico. I didn't
hear what you said.

I had these trophies in my ears.

Oh, yeah,
Carlinda?

Let's see how
tough you are

without your beloved
butterscotch balls.

[gagging and coughing]

Nobody Heimlichs him
till I say so.

[Rico gagging]
Not yet. Bluer.

[gagging continues]

[snoring]

[gasps]

Kip, there's no monsters.

Turn the light off!
[truck horn blowing]

Truck!
[horn blowing]

Rico, what the heck
are you doing?!

Training!

Help! My wife's
having a baby!

We need a bed!

Sorry. Training!

I knew that was
too good to be true.

Why is this stupid race
so important to you?

You think I'm a loser,
don't you, Napoleon?

You know I do.

It's pretty much the thing
I believe the most.

Well, it wasn't always
like that.

Get yourself
comfortable.

Back in high school,
I had this friend.

His name was Rico,
and he was me.

Aw, dang, I messed that up.

Anyway...

[crowd cheering]

Okay, the state championship
comes down to this one play.

Coach, we got to

[voice cracking]:
throw the ball to Rico!

Don't tell me
how to utilize Rico.

I'm still the coach
of Rico's Team!

Okay, we're throwing the ball
to Rico.

Hey, where is Rico?

[to the tune of "Mickey"]:
Oh, Rico, you're so fine.

You're so fine,
you blow my mind.

Hey, Rico.

Hey, Rico.

That's me!

I'd love to stay and flirt
with all you girls,

but I got to go win the game.

After you win
this game,

I'm going to let
you do something

I've only let 12
other guys do--

buy me a root
beer float.

Hot dang! Thanks, Candy!

[whistle blows]
PRATT:
Rico, showtime!

[crowd cheering]

You're throwing the
ball to me, right?

You know it, Rico!

Hut, hut, hike!

CROWD:
Yeah! Ri-co!

Ri-co! Ri-co!

Hey, the new Dodge Santana.

[whistles]

That thing's a mobile palace!

[grunts]
Oh!

[buzzer sounds]

[crowd booing]

And that was the day
I became Uncle Rico.

Wake up! I was telling you
my origin story.

More like
your "bore-igin" story.

Take me home!

Okay, soon as I figure out
how to ditch these wolves.

[barking and howling]

[band plays "Camptown Races"]

Hello, everybody.
I'm Mayor Odell.

[booing]

And it's a beautiful day
for a bed race!

ALL:
Yay!

Now, let's meet
your contestants.

[band plays "Camptown Races"]

SCANTRONIA:
Hello.

This is just my dog's bed.

I know. It's crazy!

[barking]

This mattress costs more
than your homes!

Way to rub their
noses in it, Mom!

Cheer to your sensei!

[cheering]

They love us, baby!

[whirring]

Hello, race fans.

We've already been disqualified,

but my cousins worked
very hard tricking out this bed.

["La Cucaracha" horn blows,
crowd cheers]

And our reigning Bed Race
champion, six-time winner,

Grandma Dynamite!

[whooping, tires squealing]

Yeah.
[cheering and whooping]

I get to go
home with her.

And... Rico Dynamite.

[wheels squeaking]

Hey, how y'all doing?

The squeak just makes it
extra embarrassing.

[grunting]

Check it out, Napoleon.

It's aerodynamic and snug
in all the right places.

Gross! You look like a garbage
bag full of chicken wings.

I also got science on my side.

This bracelet has
a magnet in it.

I bought it
from a SkyMall catalog

I found at the site
of a plane crash.

You can wear all
the magic crap you want.

This is my race, Rico!

That's why I'm in the Preston
Garden of Fame.

KIP:
Yeah, next to Preston's
first monogamist couple.

And the astronaut
whose car broke down here.

NAPOLEON:
Wow.

They got that up quick.

[steam hissing]
[over radio]:
Still waiting on a part.

On your mark.

Get set.

It's bedtime!

[g*nsh*t, cheering]

[laughing]

[tires squealing, crashing]

Not enough room for
both of us, Rico.

[grunts]
Get out of my way!

Over my sleek,
aerodynamic body.

We're gonna win it, Percy!

[metallic rattling
and squeaking]

You'll suffer no more.

REX:
Sorry for your loss.

[grunting]

[metallic rattling]

[grunting]

Oh. Geez!

Ow!

That had a battery in it, jerk!

Looking winded, Rico!

Well, you're looking like
a flappity old husk, Carlinda.

[panting]
Why don't you
just drop out?

Everyone knows how good you are
at dropping stuff.

[Grandma laughs]

If Grandma and
Kip b*at us again,

we'll be the laughingstock
of Family Night.

I hear you, Napoleon.

That's why
we're gonna cheat.

Okay.

[Napoleon grunts]

I'll give you 50 bucks

for that heavy lead
blanket you're wearing.

Sold!

Thanks! I'll
pay you later.

One, that was not
yours to sell.

And two, you're going
to be very sick tonight.

[whirring]

Uh...

[grunting and panting]

Hey, Kip.

Hey, now I can't see.

Make the switch, Napoleon!

Huh? Huh? Huh?

[panting]

Kip, I'm hitting
the wall!

Everything feels heavier.

Yeah!

[cheering]

[Grandma panting,
wheels squeaking]

[panting continues]

[sighs]

[cheering]

We did it! We cheated
our way to victory!

We're heroes! Sweet!

What do you say we high-five?

You don't ask.
Just do it.

It worked!

RICO:
And that's when I knew

I won the Bed Race
fair and square.

Next question.
[overlapping shouting]

Deb Bradshaw,
Preston High School Bugle.

Napoleon, what advice
do you have for young people?

Follow your dreams.

Also, never throw a water
balloon at a pickup truck.

There might be a judge inside.

As student body president,

I present you
with a lifetime hall pass.

This is good for any
hall in the school.
Sweet!

What about stairwells?

I'm not God, Napoleon.

Rico, in honor
of your great victory today,

I'm taking down
that picture you hate so much.

The one that says, "Do not
take checks from this man"?

No. This one.

[applause]

Hey, Rico, remember me?

Candy? The head cheerleader?

Head waitress now.

I always knew
you were going places.

Heard about
your big win.

Did you hear about
my big divorce?

Did you hear
about my big order?

I ordered fries,
like, an hour ago.

Well, as long
as you're with Rico,

you can have anything
you want in this place.

Can I have
that napkin dispenser?

Sure.
Sweet!

These things
never run out.

Rico, I made a special sandwich,
named it after you.

Really? What's it called?

The Rico.

Hey, that's my name!

It's got crawfish,
peanuts and strawberries.

Aren't you allergic
to all those things?

Yeah, but how often do you get
a sandwich named after you?

[muffled]:
Delicious. Such an honor.



I can't believe
how much free stuff we got

just for winning
that stupid race.

Do you know how much
I would have had to pay

for this dragon figurine?

And I've got enough tile grout

to last me the rest of my life!

You don't even have a bathtub.

The world is my bathtub,
Napoleon.

When are you gonna learn that?

Okay, well, I'm going inside now
'cause I've been with you

all day, and I'm kind
of sick of you.

Hang on a second. We got
to get our story straight.

Ready?
Ready.

We did not cheat.

Okay.

Attaboy. And should you
ever get the urge to talk,

just remember there's plenty
more where these came from.

[sighs]

Good morning, sunshine!

Grandma, that table's on fire!

That's a stove.

I'm making you
a nutritious breakfast.

Breakfast?

For me? Why?

'Cause you're the new bed
racing champion in the house.

Don't worry, Grandma.

You'll win again next year.

Oh, no, my racing days are over.

You and Rico
showed me that yesterday.

We did?
Yeah.

I got to start
acting my age.

I mean, my friggin'
name is Grandma.

What the heck
are you wearing?

It's called
a dress.

Thought I'd
give it a try.

What do you think?

You look like a sissy.

Grandma, there's a
solicitor at the door.

Do you want your pepper
spray or your chasing bat?

Kip, the man's just trying
to make a living.

Let's hear what
he has to say.

What the freak's
wrong with her?

She's been acting
odd ever since

you creamed our
A's in the race.

This morning, I caught
her quilting this.

Creepy.

Wow, Napoleon.

You got him right
in his third crotch.

Whatever.

Being an expert bowsman
isn't as fun as it used to be.

You seem depressed,
Napoleon.

Do you want
to talk about it?

No.

Okay, here's the deal.

My grandma's gone loco.

She's, like, friendly to people

and whistling and clipping
out articles in the newspaper

and mailing them to me.

Getting mail is fun.

Yeah, but
it's not her.

She's just a boring
old lady now.

Napoleon, you got mail.

[groans]

[sobbing]

Sorry, honey, we'll go after
I get back from Afghanistan.

It sure was nice of the owner to
close the theater just for us.

And to convert my
home movies to 3-D.

[screams]
Whoa.

Looks like I just caught
a tight spiral from Cupid.

Sick!

[gasps]
Napoleon!

Can't you see
I'm in mid-seduction?

We need to talk,
without any broads around.

No offense, milady.

Here's the key
to the snack bar.

Go get yourself
a "Tobleroney."

And a box of Dots!

Rico, I'm kind of
feeling guilty.

We need to tell Grandma
we cheated.

Oh, no, we don't.

You like not paying
for your dragon figurines?

Uh-huh.

You enjoy roaming the halls

at school like
an escaped gorilla at the zoo?

Heck yes, I do.

Then best you keep
your mouth shut.

But I'm worried
about Grandma.

I think her brain
is broken.

What about your
Uncle Rico?

This is the happiest
I've ever been.

Look at me,
with a girl in a movie theater

on a Saturday night.

I'm like
the goll-dang president!

I'm sorry, did you say
Dots or Duds?

Dots! Geez!

I'm serious, Napoleon.

The town even wants
to put one of them

bush statues of me in
the Garden of Fame.

Please don't take
all this away from me.

I don't want to die
alone in that van.

Fine! Forget I asked!

Here's your Duds.

[groans loudly]

[gasps]

That was close.

I almost had a bad dream.

All the napkins
in the world

can't wipe the guilt
off your face, Napoleon.

Wha...?

He's right, Napoleon.

You cheated your Grandma.

The dragon and I don't agree
on much, but we agree on this.

You guys can talk?

All your ill-gotten gains
can talk.

Ill-gotten gains
lead to gain-gotten ills.

Uh-huh.

Wait, what?

If you spent more time in class

and less time in the hall,
you'd understand.

[roars]

You've peed on me
countless times

and I've always
pretended not to notice,

but this I can't ignore!

Why aren't you
haunting Uncle Rico?

He doesn't have a conscience.

Or a bed.

You've got to tell the truth.

Admit your deceit!

And if I don't?

Oh, that does it!

[muffled grunting]

Stop it, bed!

You're going too far!

Yes, you said
there'd be no k*lling.

I said lots of things!

[muffled screaming]

[roars]

[gasps]

Ididhave a bad dream!

[winch whirring,
rhythmic beeping]

Grandma, what are
you doing?

Donating my car to charity.

[truck drives away]
I'm getting too old to drive.

But that's the car
I was born in.

I don't need to go anywhere.

I just want to enjoy
the rest of my life,

staring out the window
and buying commemorative plates.

Grandma,

there's something
I have to tell you.

Yes, dearie?

It's about the bed race.

Rico and I kinda...

Come on, Napoleon.

I don't want to die
alone in my van.

Please tell me somebody
d*ed in there with him.

Nope. I d*ed alone.

Thanks a lot, Napoleon.

You were gonna tell me
something about the bed race?

Well, I thought this year,

the parking was
a lot more convenient.

That's not what
they're saying online.

Grandma, she's eating
the sweater

faster than you can knit it.

I don't care,
she's good company.

Aren't you, Tina?

You're turning into one of
those crazy llama ladies.

JANET:
Welcome to Preston's favorite

midday show,Cock-A-Doodle Noon!

We're taking our show
on the road today

to the Garden of Fame.

You know why, Art?

I don't pry.

For the en-shrub-ment ceremony

of former disgrace-turned-Bed-
Race-champion, Rico Dynamite!

[crowd cheering]

They're honoring
your Uncle Rico.

We should be there
to support him.

Like I always embroider,

"There's nothing more important
than family."

In order to make room for
the topiary of Rico Dynamite,

they're going to
have to destroy the one

of former champion
Grandma Dynamite.

You think
they're related, Art?

Maybe.

You can't let them
do that, Grandma.

They'll probably
replant me somewhere nice,

like a park
or a pet cemetery.

Any idea what they're
going to do with Grandma?

Mulch her?

Actually, that's correct!

Tell her.

You can't talk;
I'm awake.

You're daydreaming.

Now snap out of it and tell her.

Grandma, I can't
take it anymore!

Rico and I cheated.

You should've won that race.

What are you saying?

I'm saying, Rico and I cheated.

You should've won that race.

I knew I wasn't an old lady.

To the Garden of Fame!

How are we gonna get there?

You gave your car to the Lord.

I know something faster
than a car.

Why is there
always a crazy

low-pressure front
in this shed?

[truck horn honks,
Napoleon and Kip scream]

Pine veneer?

Cheap.

[sobbing]:
It was all we could afford.

Now let's meet
the artist responsible

for all these entertaining
hedges, Pedro Sanchez.

[applause]

I know I'm perpetuating
a stereotype,

but it would be a sin
to deny the world my gift.

All right, Pedrah,
for this sculpture,

I was thinking maybe I'd be
jumping over a mountain

or a 7-Eleven.

I don't tell the clippers
what to do, they tell me.

And while Pedro engages in
his delicate ballet of bushery,

let's all enjoy the destruction

of Preston's beloved
Grandma Dynamite.

[Napoleon and Kip gasping]

[all screaming]

[gasping]

What's up, Jacob?

[babbles]

We're not keeping it.

[bell clanging]

We're not gonna make it!

Hang on, kids.

[gasping]

[screaming]

KIP:
Geez!

[ship horn blows]

[calypso music playing,
people chattering excitedly]

Whoo-hoo!

I didn't realize how
much I needed that.

Don't mulch
my grandma!

CROWD [chanting]:
Mulch! Mulch! Mulch!

KIP:
They can't hear you.

Let me try.

[softly]:
Stop.

Dang.

There's no way we can stop them.

Yes, there is.

Throw me in!

Am I asleep again?

Yes, and you should
see a doctor about that.

But for now,
wake up and throw me in!

[screaming]

It hurts more than
I could possibly imagine!

[loud bang]

Get your hands off my trunk!

Set her down, boys.

[crowd gasps]

Oh, man, I wouldn't want
to be whoever she's mad at.

Rico.
[gasps]

Now, Carlinda,
I can explain.

Get your head in here.

Yes, ma'am.

[grunting]

I believe you have something
to tell my fans.

After giving it
much thought,

I've decided I can no longer
go on with this charade.

I cheated in the bed race.

[crowd gasps]

Rico, give back your
key to the city.

[grunting]

Okay, before you do
whatever you're gonna do to me,

let's not forget
all the good things

Uncle Rico brought
to this world.

Name one.

Uh, the Rico Shuffle?

[grunting]

It never caught on
like I wanted.

Put him out of
his misery, Grandma.

Take off his
blindfold.

I want him
to see this.

[gasps]

[sighs]

Ta-da.

It's beautiful.

But why?

Because Grandma's
the bigger man, idiot.

Carlinda, if there's
any way I can ever make up

for my despicable,
yet clever behavior...

You can help me
un-donate my car.

Kip, you got my
bolt cutters?

You know it, G.

To the convent!

RICO:
All right, what's the plan?

NAPOLEON:
Okay, I'll distract Jesus

and you guys steal the car.

PEDRO:I'm not comfortable
stealing from Señor Jesus.

RICO:
Sorry, Pedro.

You're up to your
pretty little neck in this.

PEDRO:
Oy.