01x05 - Pedro vs. Deb

[bunniefuu]

[horn honking]
[gasps]

[groans]

[growls]

Dang.

[panting]

[grunts]

PEDRO:
Hello, Napoleon.

NAPOLEON:
Hey, Pedro.

[grunting]

[sighing]

[phone ringing]

Hi. This is Napoleon Dynamite
calling from thePreston Bugle.

Would you like to buy
ad space

in our crappy newspaper
that nobody reads?

Why not?!

Napoleon, I don't want to
tell you how to do your job,

but your sales technique
leaves a lot to be desired.

I thought you didn't want to
tell me how to do my job, Deb.

This paper's lame.

I'm only doing this because I
wanted to be called "Scoop."

This is a sad day to be a
school newspaper editor, kids.

You know why?

Because your wife left you
for her calligraphy instructor?

No, Scoop. Although that was
one beautiful Dear John letter.

Is it because newspapers
have words

that we're expected to read?

I'm afraid so, Summer.

I knew it!

But a free press

is the cornerstone
of any democracy.

It's the only way to deliver
breaking news

on a monthly basis.

I appreciate your passion, Deb,

but I'm afraid it's time
to stop the presses for good.

Wait!
Whuh?

Just give me 24 hours
to come up with a great story

that will send sales through
the roof and save the paper.

Just 24 hours!

Yes, I heard you the first time.

Very well, Deb.

Does this mean I have to
keep calling people?

You bet!

[sighs]

This is Napoleon Dynamite
from thePreston Bugle.

Well, I think your name
is stupid!

[grunts]

Grandma, I found a gingersnap
and a g*n in the backseat.

Yikes! I gotta find a safer
place to hide my gingersnaps.

Okay, a good reporter
doesn't find great stories.

She finds good stories
and makes them great.

She also thinks
to herself, not out loud.

Hey, Deb, you should do
an exposé on me.

Did you know I
was a Gerber Baby?

That's a lie.

But I have worn the same
pair of pants for five years.

Would your readers
care about that?

You should write
about how Napoleon

is afraid of the vacuum.

Shut up! You don't know
anything about journalism!

Who are you telling
to shut up?
[cocks g*n]

Give me that!
Dang it.

You should do an
article about

why the pharmacy
closes so early.

It says 6:00 p.m. on the door,
but they lock up at 5:45!

Those are pretty much the
worst stories I've ever heard.

Look, Deb, if you really want
to save your horse's life...

I'm trying to save
the school paper!

Whatever. You should do a story
about the Mineshaft Monster.

Nobody's ever seen
the Mineshaft Monster.

He's like Bigfoot--
he's not real.

You just lied three times
in that statement.

If he's not real,
how do you explain

all the cattle
mutilations in 1971,

and all the nightmares
I have about him?

You want a story, Deb?

How about
"Man Throws Perfect Spiral"?

Whoa, I did it!

Hello, Dynamite family!

Ouch! Mi cabeza!

[gasps]
That gives me a great
idea, Mr. Rico!

Fantastic!

But no questions
about my w*r record.

I'm technically still
supposed to be in Kuwait.

So anyway, Pedro,
here's the idea.

An all-access,
no-holds-barred interview

with the Student Body President!

There are so many more
interesting people

at the school than me.

You should interview
that history teacher

who plays the banjo.

Or that girl who went to Israel
and never shuts up about it.

Come on, Pedro. Please?

You don't want
the school paper to die

under your administration,
do you?

Okay, Deb,
I'll let you access me.

And in Israel, they have
this stuff called falafel.

It is so much better
than anything in America!

Ugh!

[rooster crowing]
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Buenos dias!

Yo soy Felipe con
el Loco Zoológico Mañana!

[ahoooga horn blares on radio]

Y ahora numero uno un éxito
que no es Lady Gaga!

[pop music plays]

Hey.

Good morning,
Mr. President!

Why are you watching me sleep?

I'm shadowing you.

I want our readers
to feel like

they're with you
every minute of the day.

Okay, but the
sounds you hear

for the next five minutes
are off the record.

So what does the president
eat for breakfast?

Tasty-O's. They're a lot like
Cheerios but not as tasty.

So you prefer
showers to baths?

I follow my heart.

So, you're Pedro's friend.

That must be exciting.

What the heck
is wrong with you?

Just pretend
I'm not here.

Have your normal
morning conversation.

Okay. Hey, Pedro?

Yes, Napoleon?

Would you rather wrestle a
bear or karate-fight a moose?

Hmm. I'd probably
wrestle the bear.

I don't know.
The bear has wicked claws,

but the moose has more
woodland allies.

I'd still pick the bear.

Yeah, me, too.

Why aren't you
writing this down?!

This is gold!

[clock ticks loudly]

Carl, Carl's
Clock Repair.

[chuckles]

Here's your problem--
it's set too loud.

That'll really emphasize
the passage of time.

Mr. President, we have a problem
that only you can solve.

What is it?

How do you say "water"
in Spanish?

Agua.

You're amazing.

Pedro, the cheerleading
team needs money,

but I can't think of a
single fund-raising idea.

Wait a second, bake sale,
car wash, kissing booth.

You're right,
there's lots of ways.

Thanks, Pedro.

Sometimes you just have
to let them talk.

How's that
clock doing?

Good.
Great!

Well, that's basically
my day, Deb.

Oh, Pedro, I can't
thank you enough.

This is going to be
such a good article.

I've got so much
great stuff.

Oh... who am I kidding?

I've got nothing.

I'm sorry, Deb.

It's not your fault Preston is
the most boring city in America.

[sighs]
I guess this is the end
of the school paper.

I can't believe the Morse
code club outlasted us.

[beeping]

[laughs]
Too soon!

Pedro, I was up all night

thinking about our
conversation yesterday,

and I've had a
complete change of heart.

I'd rather
karate-fight a moose.

It's your funeral.

[crowd chattering]

Newspaper story!
Read all about it!

Hey, look at all the jerks
buying the school paper.

You really did the right
thing by helping Deb.

But nothing interesting
happened all day.

She must be a
really good reporter.

COACH PRATT:
Most boring city in America?

He's obviously never been
to Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin!

And I suppose my father's

escrow company is boring?!
Right.

Am I offended?
Yeah-hah!

[cries out]

Ugh! Wednesday lunch
is lasagna and fries?

Why do they do that?!

Traidora!

Oh, the headline, yeah.

I thought about going with
"President Gets Clock Fixed,"

but this was juicier.

You were right--
caught my eye.

But now the
whole school hates me.

It's not my fault.

You agreed to
the interview.

Yeah, Pedro.
You did do that.

You said all-access,
no-holds-barred.

You could have held
one of the bars.

Yeah, Deb.
Just one freakin' bar.

Just tell everyone you got it
wrong and I didn't say it.

But you did say it!

The first rule of reporting is
to put the truth above all.

And the first rule of friendship
is to not screw Pedro.

Yeah, Deb, you should never...

You can't agree
with both of us, Napoleon.

Yeah, Napoleon.
Whose side are you on?

Uh...

[fire alarm ringing]
[Napoleon grunts]

[grunts]

Why are you wailing
on that can?

It didn't betray you.

Yeah, I know.
I'm just filled with rage.

You're making too big
a deal of this.

It's just the
stupid school paper.

Nobody else cares.

REX:
There he is!

The kid who hates us!

REPORTER:
Mr. Sanchez,

what do you find
so boring about Preston?

Are you bored
right now?

Do you think this
is a huge overreaction

for something printed
in a high school newspaper?

Well, to be honest...

Oye Presidente Pedro,

usted es un hombre
despreciable!

[ahoooga horn blares]

Not you, too,
Felipe in the morning!

[ahoooga horn blares]

[both panting]

Y ahora para la música nueva
que no esReba McEntire!

[upbeat country music plays]

GRANDMA:
Here's your Helper.

Sorry, we're out of hamburger.

Thank you for
sheltering me

from the angry town,
Señorita Dinamita.

It's nice to have
some diversity in the house.

I don't know why you hate
Preston so much, Pedro.

I can't think of a
more exciting town

from which to access
the Internet.

I don't hate Preston!

I just made an innocent remark

that blew up in my face,
surprising me greatly.

Yeah, that's the advantage
of being an old lady.

I can say any rotten thing
I want

and people just think
I'm a "character."

Watch this.

Hey, mailman!

I get one more
wet catalog

and I'm putting a
b*llet in your head!

[laughing]:
Oh, Mrs. Dynamite.

You are a character!

Things look bad now, but I'm
sure the good people of Preston

will eventually forgive me.

You got that right, Pedrah.

When I lost that
big football game,

I thought my life was ruined
forever, but look at me now!

[bell dings]
Whoop, my underwear's
done boiling!

On second thought,
I better face the town now

so I can continue washing my
underwear like a human being.

[bell dings]

And there's my poached eggs!

[crowd chattering]

Pedro, you've done a great thing
by appearing here today.

[scattered applause]
[weakly]:
Yay.

You've given us a focal point
to direct our various rages

and disappointments,
whatever those may be.

I'm unemployed!

My sports team lost!

My liposuction hurts.

My wives are
plain and dim!

ALL:
We is.

I'm sorry for all
your crazy problems,

but if you'll allow
me to explain...

No! You might change our minds!

Stone him!

[crowd shouting]

Don't worry, little
buddy, I got this.

[crowed cheering]

[Jamiroquai's "Just Dance"
plays]

♪ Nothing left for me to do
but dance ♪

♪ All these bad times
I'm going through... ♪

Whoa, look at him prance
and strut about the stage.

He's losing weight
and having fun.

What were we angry about again?

It's a trap! He's trying to
dance his way into our hearts!

[crowd booing]

[Napoleon and Pedro cry out]

[panting]
Frankly, I'm surprised
it worked the first time.

[snoring]

♪ Grandma's very sleepy ♪

♪ Firearms are safe
with me ♪

♪ My foes
will start respecting me ♪

[g*n cocks]

♪ She's not sleepy
as I thought ♪

♪ I'm going to eat some jelly. ♪

That's a catchy little
tune there, Kip.

Let me try.

♪ Rico is the
thief of hearts ♪

♪ Full of sexy body parts. ♪

[g*n cocks]
Oh!

Lunch is so much more fun

with just the two of us,
isn't it, Napoleon?

What are you talking about?

Pedro always shares
his tots with me.

[muffled]:
I'll share with you.

Forget that, Deb.

All you ever eat
is cottage cheese.

You should've just
written a story about

the Mineshaft Monster,
like I ordered you to.

[bell jingles]

NAPOLEON:
Pedro, come here.

Hello, Napoleon.

Hello, girl who ruined my life.

Hello, guy who
doesn't understand

journalistic integrity.

Well, I guess that's
that. Friends again.

You guys want to go
throw stuff off a roof?

We're not friends,
Napoleon.

Yeah, we're pretty
much enemies.

So I think you have to choose
who you want to hang out with.

What? It took me 16 years
of putting up with idiots

to find two friends
I could stand.

I'm not choosing!

Well, I'm not staying here
with her.

And I'm not staying
here with him.

He's not even
here anymore!

Ugh.
I hate sitting alone.

[giggling]

Hi. I know you don't know me,
but can I sit with you guys?

The more, the merrier.

What's your name?

Geez. Do you always
talk this much?

[man muttering]
Hmph!

Ugh.
I hate sitting alone.

♪ To think that only yesterday ♪

[horns honking,
Napoleon exclaiming]

♪ I was cheerful, bright
and gay ♪

♪ Looking forward to,
but who wouldn't do ♪

♪ The role I was about to play ♪

♪ But as if to knock me down ♪

♪ Reality came around ♪

[crying]
♪ And without so much
as a mere touch ♪

♪ Cut me into little pieces ♪

♪ Leaving me to doubt ♪

♪ Talk about God and His mercy ♪

♪ Oh, if He really does exist ♪

♪ Why did He desert me? ♪

[Napoleon grunting,
duck quacking]

♪ In my hour of need ♪

♪ I truly am indeed ♪

♪ Alone again ♪
Checkmate.

♪ Naturally ♪

[grunts]

♪ Alone again ♪

♪ Naturally. ♪

Okay, net's ready.

We haven't played badminton
as a family in a long time.

Yeah, well, normally I
play with Pedro and Deb,

but I'm kinda stuck
with you guys.

Why don't you just imagine
we're your friends?

That was sick.

Okay, birdie-up!

[grunts]

Ouch. You definitely put
some English on that.

I think I have
a chest concussion.

Why are you
so fragile?

My eardrums!

Napoleon, I know you
miss your friends,

but you gotta
be patient.

Yeah, everyone will forget
how much they hate Pedro

when a new,
more exciting story comes along.

Like a six-headed baby
or a w*r in outer space.

Yeah, I guess
that would do it.

I think a bee
went up my shorts.

[buzzing]
Oh.

Yup, it did.

[bell rings]

Hmm?

I like girl clothes.

[grunts]

Yes!

Thank you for
coming here today.

I can't believe
you trapped us.

And there weren't even
any girl clothes.

Both of you shut up!
Here's the deal.

I figured out a way for the
three of us to be buds again.

But we're gonna
have to work together.

I hope you went to
the activities board

to reserve this gym.

Yeah, I talked to Lucy.

We're good until next period.

Go on, then.

Look, Pedro wants the
town to stop hating him,

Deb wants to be
a good reporter,

and everybody wants me
to be happy.

How do we accomplish
these goals?

Three simple words:

"Mine Shaft Monster."

You didn't talk
to Lucy, did you?

She was away
from her desk!

Look, we need
a big news story

to knock Pedro
off the front page,

and a photo of the
Mineshaft Monster will do that.

Forget it, Napoleon.

There is no monster, except
the one I'm tied up next to.

And while I do believe
in monsters of all types,

I would never work
with someone who would

sell out a friend
for a snappy headline.

Fine, if you two don't give
a crap about our friendship,

I'll just have to give enough
crap for the three of us!

[Napoleon growling angrily]

[door opens, closes]

DEB:
Why did you want
girl clothes?

Who doesn't?

Oh, man, I remember
this mineshaft.

My friend, Dave, d*ed
here in high school.

I brought the prettiest
girl to that funeral.

Her name was...

Her name was Jordan,
you made out next to the coffin!

You only tell this story,
like, every day.

So when the monster shows,
you put him in a headlock,

and I'll snap the picture.

Then I'll try to save you

before he rips out your
pancreas and drinks its juice.

I don't know, Napoleon.

I don't like having
my picture taken.

[coyote howls, both gasp]
What was that?

It was a freakin' coyote.

It was the ghost of Dave.

I still owe him money.

How can you owe a ghost money?

Because I bet him 20 bucks

he wouldn't jump down that
mineshaft. You coming?

No way! I'm not a big chicken
like you?

Okay, Mineshaft Monster,
you don't scare me.

[owl hoots]

[creaking]

But that owl sort of does.

[thunder crashing]

That makes it worse.

[shrieks]
[grunts]

I don't know
how I feel about that.

This is Napoleon's
video journal.

Let's see, it's day... one.

I already ate all my food.

It was pretty good.

No sign of the
Mineshaft Monster yet.

Um, if you're watching this,

that'd be pretty weird
'cause I'm pretending

this rock is a camera.

I'm super cold,
I'm haunted by my past,

and animals act really weird
at night.

[bicycle bell rings]

Shh...

Eerie.

[water running]

Grandma, when I'm older,
can I have a g*n?

Nope.

Can I dream of
having a g*n?

Nope.

[vehicle approaching]

[sighs]

What the...?!

You left Napoleon out
in the woods by himself?!

Are you an idiot?!

Sure sometimes, but there was
this ghost you see, and...

That was no ghost!

That was the
Mineshaft Monster!

You believe in that nonsense?

[grunting]

Permission to stay behind
and finish the dishes?

Get inside!
Geez!

NAPOLEON:
Hey, Monster, come here.

Don't worry, nobody's
gonna take a picture of you.

[chuckles]
Sucker.

[roaring]

Oh, dang.

I am Napoleon Dynamite
of the human race.

Prepare to be photographed.

Ah! It's bright!

Deb, why are you wearing
a lame monster costume?

I thought it was scary.

My mom said it was scary.

That's 'cause
she's too supportive!

What are you doing
down here?

I was worried about you
being out here all alone,

so I thought I'd help
you get your picture.

Drink coasters?
Macaroni?

This isn't a monster--
it's freakin' rainy day fun.

[vicious roaring nearby,
Deb screams]

[snarling]

[growling]

[both yelling]

[roaring]

PEDRO:
Are you going to take
my picture or what?

Pedro?
Pedro?

[unzipping]

Now that's how you make
a monster, Deb.

Fangs, appendages,
no sequins.

I was building it for the
Dia de los Muertosparade,

but I decided
to break it out early

so you could get your picture.

See?

You guys thought
you hated each other,

but you came up
with the same plan

so we could all
be friends again.

Pedro just did it way cooler.

Sorry, Deb. I just think
you suck at making monsters.

Sorry I didn't get a
picture of the monster, Pedro.

I guess I'm gonna be
on the front page forever.

Wait, what if we start a big
fire, or a w*r in outer space?

I don't think
those are good ideas.

At least
I'm pitching.

[vehicle approaching]

Thank goodness
you're okay, Napoleon.

That gol dang monster
could have deboned you

and worn you like
a human poncho.

What's wrong with you people?

There is no monster!

[wailing cry]
[gasps]

[all gasping]

Rico...!

Dave!

Dude, you still owe me 20 bucks

for jumping down that mineshaft.

[screams]
I'll get you the money!

You're just gonna have to wait

till I sell my screenplay.
And write it.

Got any ideas?

Oh, for cryin' out...

Listen, hippie...
[grunts]

[g*n cocks]
KIP:
Put the grandma down.

Hey, man,
I don't want any trouble!

[grunts]

Kip, you can't
k*ll a ghost.

You can't?

Not without
charmed weaponry.

Gosh, read a book!

[roars]

Hey, Dave!
Double or nothing says

you won't jump down
that mineshaft again.


You're on, sucker!

[chuckles, grunts]

[yelling]

[thud]
Ow. My ghost back.

Idiot.

GRANDMA:
Look at that!

We're the original Ghostbusters!

Deb, I thought
that story was

supposed to knock me
off the front page.

Well, at least
you're below the fold.

Yeah, took me 15 years
to get there.

Hey, you guys want to go
to the Tots 'n' Nuggs

and share your
food with me?

[bicycle bell rings]

[clicks tongue]

Who are you waving at,
Napoleon?

Just a friend, Deb.

Just a friend.