01x03 - Scantronica Love

[bunniefuu]

[honking horn]
[gasps]

Hey!
[llama growls]

Dang!
[panting]

[grunts]

Hello, Napoleon.
Hey, Pedro.

[grunts, sighs]

♪ ♪

[buzzing]
[Napoleon grunting in pain]

[buzzing]
[grunts in pain]

Excellent work, Don.

Yeah!

Napoleon, what
do you see here?

Easy. It's a samurai
warrior relaxing

after a long day of
defending his prefecture.

Wrong! It's young newlyweds
enjoying a refreshing lemonade

on a porch swing.

Don?

[buzzing]
[grunting]

Now I see it!

A-plus, Don!

Through this experiment,
I've proven

that pain is very real.

Now, tomorrow,
we are going to be studying

the science of love;
human love.

What?!

He said love;
human love.

This is the Scantronica 3000,

the most accurate barometer
of human compatibility

ever created.

[beeping]

STUDENTS:
Ooh...

[whirring, bell dings]

Tonight you will
fill out these cards.

Tomorrow Scantronica
will pair you up

with your ideal mate.

You mean that computer
will bring my true love to me,

no matter how oblivious he is?

[buzzing]
[grunting]

Yes, Deborah.

Unlike a bad lover,
science never lies.

Isn't that right, Scantronica?

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Refill paper tray.

Yes, my sweet.

Ugh! Get a room.

[snoring]

KIP:
Grandma, wake up.
[gasping]

This better be good.

I was skinny-dipping
with Merle Haggard.

I just mastered
the Horizontal Enigma

with my Fushigi Ball.

Behold.

Ooh, how am I doing this?

Magical energies?

Maybe so.

Fascinating.

[snoring]

Whoa, Kip!

Are you in league
with Lucifer?

It's called contact juggling.

It has nothing to do
with the dark arts.

In that case, you could
perform at birthday parties

and make some serious moola.

But I don't even have a manager.

All right, I'll do it!
First order of business,

you need a flashier name.

Kip Dynamite-- boring!

This Scantronica stuff
is a pile of bull.

Technology will never
fulfill my desires.

What did you put
for "walks on the beach"?

Long or short?

I hate the beach.

Yeah, me, too.

If you ask me,
there's only two questions

that matter for compatibility:

What's your
favorite kind of hawk?

and "How many do you own?"

Do you think
a girl like Summer

would rather live in a house,
apartment, mansion or shack?

Why are you trying
to get with Summer?

Everyone knows
she loves Don.

Ow!

Yeah!
[laughs]

You're hilarious, Don!

Shut up and
tot me, babe.

Now malt me.

Mmm!

Maybe you're right--

I'll just fill it out
with honesty.

Hey, Napoleon!

[grunts]

What the heck was that for?

I was trying to tot you.

Psycho!

Hello.
I didn't see you there.

My name is Kip Create,
and welcome to my world

of creative entertainment.

Check out some of my moves,
if you dare.

I can do the squid,
the jellyfish,

and I'm great with kids.

Hi, there, little guy.

Hey, Mr. Create.

How much would you charge
to perform at my baptism?

$80.
Here's $90.

Book Kip Create today
for your next birthday party,

funeral or ladies' night.

♪ Call Kip Create,
don't you wait ♪

♪ He'll be on time,
he's never late. ♪

I'll never write anything
that good again.

And...

cut!
Nailed it.

I'll say! Now we just
have to go house to house

to show people
this tape.

Gently, students; gently.

You know what to do.

Santo Valentino,
please guide my card.

[grunts]
There.

[grinding]

[beeping]

And now Scantronica
will seductively process

your love data.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[laughs]
Yes!

♪ ♪

[grunts]

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Matchups complete.

I've just been told
the matchups are complete.

Once you hear Scantronica's
logic-based love assignments,

you'll realize what a useless
organ the human heart really is.

[beeping]

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Jean and Gene.

[both gasp]

[lush orchestral melody]

[both grunt, giggle]

STUDENTS:
Aw...
Of course!

How did I
never see that?

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Summer and Pedro.

Hijole!

What?!
No...!

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Napoleon and Tokiko.

Oh, Napoleon,
I knew I'd get you!

I'll own a hobby store, and
you'll be a stay-at-home dad

and... Wait!
Who's Tokiko?

How the heck
should I know?

Oh, I forgot to introduce

our new foreign-exchange
student, Tokiko.

Konnichiwa.

Then who did I get?

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Deb and...

Don.

But Don's a D-bag!

Your D-bag, baby!

Yeah!

Don't leave
him hanging.

DEB:
Me and Don?!

There must be something
wrong with that computer.

I know Scantronica will be
right about me and Summer.

As soon as she stops crying.

[sobbing]

[rip]

Why?

I guess I should go comfort her
about having to date me.

You're taking the experiment
too seriously, Deb.

The computer doesn't know
anything about us.

It said I was compatible

with that chick over there...

[blade rings]

...who just pulled
a freaking katana blade

out of her backpack.

[blade whipping]

Later, Deb.

Dave, right?
Deb.

Okay, this makes a little
more sense, then.

Anyway, my folks want to make
sure you're good enough for me.

Want to come over
after school?

I don't know.

[bang]
Sure.

Why not?

CROWD:
Ooh...

[whirring]

Hey, this is my
street corner.

You're stealing my crowd.

Listen, robot man,
there's one and a half of us

and only one of you.

So why don't you just
head back to outer space?

Street freaks, unite!

[chainsaws buzz]

Oh, dear.

Hold on to your Fushigi, Kipper.

[yelling and mechanical noises]

ROBOT MAN:
Let's ice that punk.

Lookie here,
our first dollar.

[chainsaw revs]
Ooh...

Napoleon, what are you
doing in my lucky kimono?

There's an awesome Japanese girl
coming over,

and I want to make
a good impression.

Dang it.

This could be my only chance
to fulfill my destiny

as a wandering
samurai bladesman.

[grunting]

Oh, my junk.

[sighs]
Come here, grasshopper.

[groans]

Thanks, Grandma,
you're the best.

[doorbell rings]
She's here. Get lost.

[giggles]
You speak Japanese?

I stayed up all night,
mastering your tongue.

[giggles]

[sobbing]

I just miss Don so much.

I wonder who he's
making fun of right now.

Probably someone who
doesn't deserve it.

I know.

Don's incredible.

It's your sh*t.

Uh, this day just keeps

getting worse!

[crunch, rattles]
Ow!

[whimpering]

Ooh...

[rattles, then stops]

Oh, my.

The last time I was bit
by a rattlesnake on this hole,

Don just laughed.

I am not Don.

Wow, you are really tan.

And you've obviously been
working on your beach body.

Let's just say, I've been
getting ready for Summer.

Ooh... [giggles]

DON:
Mom, this is the girl

the machine gave me.

People call her Deb.

It's short for Deborah.

And you're short for adorable.

These are Don's sisters,
Dolly, Daisy, and Daphne.

They're all D names.

I never thought of that.

Welcome to the family, Deb.

Come on, Don, sports.

Oh, boy! Sports!

Those men and their sports.

[laughing]

Your home is beautiful,
Mrs. Moser.

You know, I used
to tell people I lived here,

back when my family was
going through challenges.

You're hysterical, Deb.

You know, I can tell by
your homemade clothes,

that you have a penchant
for arts and crafts.

It's my favorite thing
in the world.

I hope that doesn't
sound conceited.

Well, if it's your
favorite thing in the world,

then this will be your
favorite place in the world.

Welcome to the Moser
scrapbooking room.

[gasps]

Wow!

This used to be the maid's room,

till we found out she was
bringing her kid to work.

Curvy scissors?

Two-sided tape?

Is that glitter or glue?

It's both, Deb.

If I had a room like
this, I'd never leave.

And you don't have to, Deb,

if you promise
yourself to Don.

I always thought Don
would marry Summer.

Summer?

We don't really
care for her.

Yeah, she thinks she's all that.

But you don't think
you're anything.

So, what do you say?

I don't know.

Promising yourself to someone
is a serious thing.

It's my whole future.

Well, how do you
see your future?

[wheels squeak]

[doorbell chimes]

Hi, I'm selling...

Can't you read?

No solicitors.

Napoleon? It's me, Deb.

Oh, hey, Deb.

What's it been, like,


More or less.

You look good.

Yeah, I'm pretty much the
best-looking I've ever been.

Napoleon, you didn't tell
me you had sad company.

You must be the friend from high
school he never talks about.

We should double date sometime,
with you and Don.

I didn't marry Don.

I didn't marry anyone.

You snooze, you lose.

Right, my little mochi balls?

[children laughing]

Sayonara, fat future Deb.

[echoing]:
Fat future Deb...

Fat future Deb...

What do you say,
fat future Deb?

What was that?

I said, "What do you say,

thin present-day Deb"?

[grunting, banging]

E5, drop for your sensei.

Master Kwon Do,

I'd like you to meet my
scientifically chosen soul mate,

Tokiko.

Well, it's an honor to have
a full-blown Asian lady

in my dojo.

Let me show you the improvements
I've made to your ancient art.

Dynamite, engage!

[gong]

[smacking and grunting]

Admit defeat.
You admit defeat.

Hey, China Beach,
who's the victor?

Stop! I've seen enough!

Tokiko, what's wrong?

Why aren't you giggling?

Napoleon, I love martial arts,
but I came to your country

to learn how to be
an American girl.

I want to make friends

and then say mean things
behind their backs.

I want to go to the prom,

and throw up in a limo.

I want to make everything I say
sound like a question?

Lame.

Napoleon,
there's a lot more to me

than my amazing
samurai abilities.

But I don't think
you'll ever see past that.

Probably not.

So just friends then?

Um, I'd, like,
really like that?

Never turn your back on anyone!

My back listens to no man.

[groaning]

I don't know about this, Rico.

Nobody hired me to perform here.

That don't matter.

Once they see you
gift for illusion,

they'll be filling
your culottes with cash.

Ouch.

Hello, I'm Kip Create,

and I'm here to dazzle you.

[music & conversation stop,
billiard ball clacks]

RICO:
Oh, dang!

Faster, Rico, faster!

Man, we've been doing
a lot of running today.

[g*nsh*t, Kip gasps]

[bell rings]

[squeaking]

What's wrong, Scantronica?

You used to light up
when I did this.

Replace bulb.

Oh, thank heavens.

Professor Koontz, guess what?

Your stupid machine is
a big steaming pile of crud.

Whoa, whoa, let's not say
anything we're going to regret.

I totally mismatched me.

It doesn't know anything
about love.

Doesn't it, Napoleon?

That's it, students.

Enjoy each other.

Reap while the corn
still grows high.

Sick.

I know I'm not the only one

who thinks this is stupid.

Deb got paired up
with that lame-wad, Don.

Hey, Napoleon.

Deb! Look out!

There's a muskrat
on your head!

Don likes it.

Who cares?
Don likes mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise is the best.

Hey, everybody,
Deb and I are having

an awesome promise ring ceremony
on my dad's houseboat.

And none of you are invited.

[cheering]

Can you believe it?

I'm engaged to be engaged
to be engaged.

GIRLS:
Awww...

A ring's gonna look
so good on that finger.

I believe you have something
to say to Scantronica.

Heck, yes, I do.

Uh, can I have
a hall pass?

Pedro, we've got to stop
Deb from going through

with that dumb promise
ring ceremony.

It's no big deal.

But Deb never
breaks a promise.

She's super honest.

You know how we're, like,

supposed to pay for
our school lunches?

She actually does.

So do I, Napoleon.

I pay for yours, too.

Sucker...

So, you gonna
help me or what?

I'd like to, Napoleon,

but I worked very hard
to win Summer's heart

and make her forget
all about Don.

Don?

Did somebody say "Don"?

Was it Don?

[sighs]
Okay, we're in.

Did you say, "We're Don"?

Oy...

I can't believe you finally
got me a gig, Uncle Rico.

And on the high seas, no less.

If there's one thing
rich people love,

it's amateur entertainment.

Thanks for the dress,
Mrs. Moser.

I didn't know I could ever
be this pretty.

[scary music]

[gasping]

What?

Don't panic, Deb.

It's just a laugh line.

A hideous, disfiguring
laugh line.

Don shouldn't have to see
that on his special day, Mom.

Yes, let's go below deck
and get that fixed right up.

Oh, Don looks so handsome

in his houseboat clothes.

I'll say, he could be a
presenter at an awards show.

Maybe at the
Butthole Awards.

We gotta get out
to that houseboat.

[boat approaches]

That gives me an idea.

Follow me.

This better be
a really good idea.

That was easy.

[grunting with effort]

It's almost starting.

Hurry!

[both grunting with effort]

Sit right here, Deb.

This is Dr. Jeff.

He's our in-houseboat
plastic surgeon.

Plastic surgeon?!

Relax, Deb, this is a
very simple procedure.

I'm just gonna cut
your face off,

scoop some fat out
of the cheeks,

and staple it
back into place.

What do you say?
Are you with me?

No, I'm not.

It's okay, Deb,
we've all had it done.

Aah! I am not having
plastic surgery.

Deb's right, there's no time.

We'll Botox her.

We've gathered here today
to bind two people

in a non-binding promise.

Scantronica, do you
have the rings?

Of course you do.

Don, you look pale
and handsome, as always.

Tans are for poor people.

And Deborah, you have not
been able to wipe that grin

from your face since
you boarded this barge.

Help me.

Bless your heart.

I don't know if we should
go through with this.

Deb looks pretty happy.

SUMMER: That's not happiness,
that's the Moser Botox glow.

And it's supposed to be
on my face.

In that case,
we're still a go.

Donald, do you promise
to one day make a promise

to take Deb
as your lawfully wedded wife?

Okay.

And Deborah,
my delicate mashed potato,

do you promise...
No.

...to promise...
No.

...to obey Donald

and cater to his
every whim and fancy?

Still no.

Pedro...

did you place
any detonation charges

on the bottom of the boat?

Was I supposed to?

No, but it would
have been sweet.

I guess we'll just have to
be expl*sive with our words.

Hey, Deb!

Don't do this.

Napoleon?

I owe you an apology.

I'm sorry that I was
right all along.

That machine is stupid.

I shouldn't be with Tokiko,
and you shouldn't be with Don.

Are you saying you and I should
be promised to each other?

What?! No.

GUESTS:
Awww....

WOMAN:
He loves her.

Everyone shut up!

Mind your own business!

Come on, Deb,
let's get out of here.

Oh, you're not going anywhere.

What are you gonna do about it?

[snaps]

[growling]

I got this.

No, it's too dangerous.

Don't worry, you don't
become head cheerleader

without cracking
a few skulls.

I'll miss you, Pedro.

Thanks for taking
me to Mexico.

That was my house.

Hi-ya!

Chick fight! Yeah!

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

Out of my way,
you classy hag.

Resistance is
futile, Napoleon.

You're tangling with a force
you don't understand--

the upper-middle class!

[Napoleon gasps, shudders]

[gasping breaths]

♪ ♪

Kip?

[crowd ooh-ing]

Hello. I'm Kip Create.

Welcome to my world
of illusion and hypnotic dance.

♪ ♪

[gasps]
Look at that ball!

[frustrated grunt]

Why does he always
need attention?

I think he's creating
a diversion for us.

Oh. Sweet.

Thanks, Kip.

Better hang on.

This is gonna be awesome.

[whooping]

PEDRO:
Oy, yo-yoy!

This thing rips!

If I was upper-middle class,

I'd rent the crap
out of one of these.

You'll always be
upper-middle class

to me, Napoleon.

Hey, you got your
plain old face back.

I missed it.

Aw...
Shut up!

Yes!

Orale!

GRANDMA:
Napoleon!

Get that thing
out of the pool!

I'm trying
to Aqua Jog!

And we're looking
for buried treasure.

Fine!

[Pedro yells, Deb whoops]

You boys get out
of the pool, too.

I'm gonna do some stretches
you might not want to see.

Uh, 'nuff said, Carlinda.
Come on, Kip.

I wish there were
more goblets.