01x04 - Thundercone

[bunniefuu]

[horn honking]
[gasps]

Hey!
[llama growls]

Dang!
[panting]

[grunts]

Hello, Napoleon.
Hey, Pedro.

[grunts, sighs]

RICO:
This is my favorite
gas station to shop at.

Where else can you
buy a wiper blade

and an off-brand energy drink?

Grandma, will you buy me this
tiny rolled-up horoscope?

Stop asking her
to buy you stuff,

you're like 70
freakin' years old! Whoa!

Grandma, will you buy me
this lighter

that's shaped like dice
and says "High Roller?"

Will you two shut up?

I'm trying to order dinner.

How many hours has this chicken
been under this heat lamp?

Depends.
How many hours is in three days?

Hmm. That piece looks good.

Kip! Quit hogging all
the good breast meat!

Napoleon, I already
called this baby.

Uncle Rico,
tell Kip to quit eating

all the gas station chicken.

Napoleon, you made me
lose my spot again.

Now I gotta start all over.

"Brian was a quarterback,
but he was also a detective."

Man, I'm so confused.

You better not eat
that breast, Kip.

Try and stop me, Napoleon.

You do you die.

What?
You do you die.

I'm sick of you always
taking my stuff, Kip!

Name three times in
chronological order.

Okay.

Wah!

Here's my list.

You look tired, Santa.
Take a break.

Thanks!
Wait, Santa!

Scram!
Santa will be back next year.

[sighs]

[humming]

Whoa....

[thud]

Fine, then.
You can have my skin.

Think fast.
My eyes!

Dang it.
The grease...
it kills!

Oh, man! The diamonds
are in the football!

I did not see
that coming!

[rooster crows]

[squawks]

[gulps]

Hold still, Kip!

Grandma, are you sure
these abs are waterproof?

Misty and I might
go hot-tubbing.

Kip, you only talk to
this girl on the computer.

It could just be that
neighbor boy pranking you again.

Oh, yeah?

Read this saucy excerpt
from our last chat.

"I have to come into town
for dog food anyway,

so I guess I'll meet you."

Tell me that's not real.

[gasps]
What?

Holy crap!

What happened to your forehead?

Kip hucked some chicken skin
at me,

and it gave me
a butt load of zits.

He's always disrespecting me

'cause he's jealous
of my sweet body!

Napoleon, your face
is making me sick.

Go into the bathroom
and pop those things.

I already tried.
They're not ready yet.

See?

You're not doing it right.

Get over here.

Jeez!

Ow, ow! Stop!
Hold still.

It kills! Dang it!
Hold still!

Well, the roots are too deep.

They're digging into the skull.

I told you they weren't ready.

Try stabbing it with a blade.

Good idea, Kipper.

You guys are idiots!

I don't know, Napoleon.

Looks to me like
you got some kind of

egg-sack lodged in there.

Maybe hobo spiders.

Really?

Hey, this ought to take care
of your chicken zits.

Rack-U-Tane?

Actually, that's the last tube

I'm legally allowed to sell.

Did you hear that, Napoleon?

It's our lucky day!

It's been banned by the FDA,
the DEA, and the WNBA.

Is it safe?

Quit bothering
the pharmacist.

He probably has
student loans to worry about.

Between you and me,
I didn't even go to college.

Right on!

[school bell rings]

[indistinct talking]

"Warning.
Physical side effects include:

"bad breath, B.O., lust,

"increased pain threshold,

and fits of unbridled rage."
Yeah, right.

♪ Happy talk,
keep talkin' happy talk ♪

♪ Talk about things
you'd like to do... ♪

[sizzling]
[gasps]

Sorry I'm late.

Good gracious!

What's wrong with your forehead?
It's on fire!

I'm okay.
It's just the Rack-U-Tane

trying to eat all the bacteria.

It smells like a burnt lasagna.

But I don't even feel anything.

Hello, Napoleon.

Hey, Pedro.

What's happening to me?

Hey Pedro, could you pour

some of your Turbo Slush
on my zits?

I think the caffeine might
k*ll some of the germs.

No problem.

I think it's working.
Your zits are like...

drinking the juice.
Thanks.

Never mind.

[slurping]

Does it hurt?
Not really.

I'm just having, like, all
these strange desires right now.

Really? What kind of desires?

Well, like, I really
want to get married

and go on a honeymoon
right now...

But I mainly just feel like
crushing people's lives.

Sounds like lust
and unbridled rage.

Sweet! My rage has
never been unbridled.

I've always hated that sink.

Now Kip,

if this girl turns out
to be a kidnapper,

do you remember
the address song?

♪ My name is Kipland Dynamite ♪

♪ I live in Preston, Idaho ♪

♪ 143 Jitney Lane ♪

♪ Return me to my grandma. ♪

You still got it.

Excuse me, did you just sing
your name was Kipland Dynamite?

In the flesh. And I can tell
by your sack of dog treats

that you must be Misty.

Yeah. Um, I have to go.

Wait!

Are your abs getting hot?
Mine sure are.

Ooh. Kip is ripped.

[whistle blows]

Hey, Deb, did I ever tell you
how big of a babe you are?

I just want you to know that
if my girlfriend in Oklahoma

ever dies,
I'd totally marry you.

Uh... Are you okay, Napoleon?

Yes, I'm fine.

Can I kiss the top of
your hand for a dollar?

His zit cream is
making him loco.

Today, we're going to
play a game

that our pioneer
ancestors developed

when they crossed the plains.

It's called "Smear the Deer."

Yes!

Napoleon, would you be a deer
and put these antlers on?
Okay.

The rest of you are
hungry pioneer children.

When I blow my whistle,

you'll do everything in your
power to incapacitate the deer

using only your bare hands
and pioneer reflexes.

Are there any questions?

Can Pedro be my sentinel?

No, he can't.

You are just a rogue deer
with no allies.

Ah, dang it.
Okay.

Is everybody ready?
[blows whistle]

[growling]

Good gravy!

[panting]

Holy crap!

Gotcha! Looks like I'm
gonna smear the deer!

Not today, Don!

Whoa, ah, ow, oh!

What the heck?!

You don't hold a tuba like that.

You aim it skyward.

Ah...!
[blows whistle]

Napoleon, in my office! Now!

No. Why don't you go
tomyoffice?

You don't have an office.

Fine!
We'll use yours!

[growling]

Napoleon, I cannot
believe what I witnessed

from you out on
the field today.

Sorry...
I've never seen
anything like it.

Have you ever heard
of the PPC?

The Preston Pediatric Coalition?

Of course!

They paid for
my brother's polio shoes.

No, no, no.

I'm talking about the original
PPC: The Pioneer Punch Club.

The Pioneer Punch Club?
What's that?

It's a secret underground
fight circuit

that dates back
to pioneer times.

You see, before
the West was won...

local farm boys were constantly
having to defend themselves

against grizz, river trash,
and pageant carnies.

[roaring]

PRATT:
They began to test their combat
skills every Tuesday night.

But twenty years ago,
the PPC was officially banned

by the Idaho State Legislature.

So now the fights are held
on Wednesday nights instead.

So you want me to go
back in time 20 years

and k*ll the Idaho
State Legislature?

What? No!

Napoleon, I'm convinced
that you could become

the next PPC champion.
Really?

I'm willing to bet my entire
salary as a gym coach.

That's like $6,000!
I wish.

[music playing]

I've seen them 137 times

and they've never
played a bad show.

♪ Takin' care of pizza ♪

♪Every day♪

♪ Takin' care of pizza ♪

♪Every way♪

♪ Garlic balls are steamy ♪

♪It's all right♪

♪ Alfredo, nice and creamy ♪

♪Every night!♪

Yeah!

Thank you!

We're gonna take a break.

Oh. Animals are amazing.

I'll burn you
some of their CDs

if you can loan
me some blanks.

You would do
that for me?

Wow, has anybody ever told
you how sweet you are?

My virtual pets
say it all the time.

You know, the last time

a guy took me to a restaurant,
he robbed it.

Misty, it sounds like
you've been rolling

with the wrong dudes.

Yeah, normally I'm attracted
to inmates and gym rats,

but you're not like those men.

You're not like any man at all.

You know I'm not.

I don't get it, Pedro.

According to the map,
the Pioneer Punch Club

is supposed to
be right here.

Maybe it is
just a legend.

[man yelling]

[thud]

NAPOLEON AND PEDRO: Ohh...

[men yelling and grunting]

♪ ♪

[pig snorting]

What do you know?

If it isn't Tinkerbell and
his girlfriend, Taco Bell!

You have 32 seconds to tell me

what you're doing
on this property.

Coach Pratt sent me.
Coach Pratt?

I owe that man my life.

Before he found me,

I was just a skinny kid
obsessed with college.

And I was just a lonely girl
wandering Chernobyl.

[primal roar]

So who do I fight first? You?

In your dreams!

We have a distinct
pecking order here at the PPC.

This here's
the Rainbow Trout division.

Duck. Duck. Duck.

Goose!

[crying]

Don't cry, Timmy!

Don't you dare cry!

Over there we have
our Cougar Pups

trying to survive
the Corn Cob Cannon.

Ah! My leg is broke!

Walk it off, Greg.
Walk it off.

Finally, we have
our Badger Studs.

They are the true warriors
of the PPC.

Nipple twist!
Reverse!

[groans]

What's that over there?

I'll answer that question
in seven years...

when you're ready.

Come on. Tell me.

Oh, all right.
That's the Thundercone.

[thunder rumbling]

I've heard people die there,

like, 20 times a day.

Sweet!

[grunts] Ow!

Not so fast!
Anyone who wants to compete

in the Thundercone has
to b*at my Badger Studs.

[gasps]

Let's do this.

Please, I have a daughter.

Then go to her and tell her
who spared your life this day.

Well done, Dynamite!

We'll see you
next week...

in the Cone!
The what?

The cone!
The big thing on the hill.

We've been through this.

Oh, right.
It's all I ever wanted.

[to the tune of
"Takin' Care of Business"]:
♪ If you ever get displeased ♪

♪ Check our crust,
it's filled with cheese ♪

♪ We're k*lling you
with every bite ♪

♪ Takin' care of pizza
every day. ♪

Now you can rock out
to the Goof Nutz Band

any time you want.

Oh, Kip, I don't know
what to say.

My heart is racing
so fast right now.

[gasps] Oh, that
does feel fast.

Can you wait right here
for a second?

[grunting]:
One, two...

three.

One, two...

[grunts]

Ah...

Grandma, I need two things
from you.

First, please put on a robe.

Second, I'd like you
to meet the girl

that you and I are going

to spend the rest
of our lives with.

Okay, this one better not be
made of pipe cleaners, Kip.

Grandma, here's the cowgirl

who finally tamed
this wild stallion.

Misty? Misty?

Are you playing
a lover's prank?

[gasps]

One, two, three...

Oh...

Sorry, Kipper.

I'll go warm up
some milk

and fluff up
your crying pillow.

Not this time,
Grandma.

Not this time.

Except for the milk.

[grunting]

I love the smell of B.O.

I hope
that doesn't sound weird.

[bleating]:
One, two, three.

[door shuts]

Misty, is he bothering you?

Relax, Kip.
All I'm doing is watching

your bad boy brother train

for his dangerous,
underground fight club.

He's not in a fight club.

Oh, yeah?

How do you explain
this sweet temporary tat?

[gasps] I love tats!

Pioneer Punch Club?

But that's for real toughies.
How did you get in?

By being my normal,
bad "A" self.

You are a bad "A."

Napoleon, get your hands
off my lady.

I don't want
your sick woman,

but I could take her
if I wanted.

He's right, Kip,
he could.

But I thought
we were getting engaged.

I did, too, I'm not
over bad boys yet.

But he's not a bad boy.

He's friendly to all
who know him.

That does it, Kip!

You've been taking things
from me my whole life.

You took my chicken, now
I'm taking your chick.

So say good-bye to the only
woman that you've ever loved.

Grandma's not going
anywhere.

She's inside, airing out
in her bra and jeans.

Not her.

Her! [snaps fingers]

Whoo! [laughs]

Here, could you
replace this

with some songs that
Napoleon likes?

What? Misty!

No!

Out of my way, fence!

[grunts]

Oh, kick
something else!

[sadly]:
♪ Taking care of pizza ♪

♪ Every day... ♪

"Unbridled rage"?

Well, that's illuminating.

Hey, Kip, you should see
the girl

Napoleon's running
around with.

You'd love her!

[banging, clattering]

Pedro, I can't find my
Rack-U-Tane anywhere.

There's no way I can
fight without it.

Oh, well, at least
your skin is clear.

What are you still
doing here, Napoleon?

I thought you had a big fight

to impress the woman
you stole from me.

She has a name, Kip.

I just don't know
what it is.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that must be the ride
I arranged for you.

REX:
Dynamite,
where are you?!

Oh, man, it's Rex!

Pedro, tell him
I have diarrhea!

He's right here, Rex,
hiding under his bed.

Kip, shut up!
[gasps]

Nobody turns their back
on the Thundercone!

You're gonna fight
whether you want to or not!

[gasps]

Be careful, he has diarrhea.

RICO:
So, who's fighting
tonight, Carlinda?

Don't know, don't care,

as long as men
are hurting and
blood's a-spurting!

[beans rattling in can]

[chanting]:
Frijoles Santos!

Diganme la futura
de mi amigo Napoleon!

What do the beans say?

It's not really specific.

[camera snapping]

Deb, what are you doing here?

I take pictures for
the Thundercone newsletter

and the Thundercone blog.

Geez, the Thundercone is like
the worst-kept secret ever!

[crowd jeering]

♪ O Thundercone, O Thunder,
Thundercone! ♪

Napoleon, wait!
I have something for you.

It's a short story I wrote,

but you don't have
to read it right now.

I can tell you this much,

you shouldn't have
a colon in the title.

[grunts]

[clanging]

And now for the main event
of the evening,

we bring you a bloodbath
like no other!

[cheering]

Hey, that's Napoleon!

What's that idiot doing
in there?

Entering the Thundercone
for the first time tonight is

the Pioneer Punch
Club's new rising star...

that annoying kid in town

you just want to see bad stuff
happen to...

you know him, you hate him:
Napoleon Dynamite!

Hey, that's not the intro
I gave you!

And now his opponent
and executioner,

another fresh face:
The Man With No Face!

[crowd cheers, spurs clanking]

[gasps]

♪ He has no face ♪

♪ He has no face! ♪

Spare me, Man With No Face.

[whimpers]

Now who's the toughie?

Kip, you liar, you have a face!

And I'm gonna
to freaking pound it!

[crowd cheers]

Kipper?!

Aw, I've seen
these guys fight...

every time a dang shampoo sample
comes in the mail.

Kip, this is gonna be
the easiest fight of my life.

Is it, Napoleon?

You stole my Rack-U-Tane!

You stole my Misty!

I love when guys
fight over me.

Yeah, me, too.

Screw you, Kip!

All right.

But first, let meunscrew
the cap on this tube.

I am so gonna apply my skills
to b*at you!

Perhaps.
Right after Iapply

the last of this
rage cream to my face.

Quit cleverly
twisting my words!

Stop talking,
start punching!

[hissing]

[crowd cheers]

Prepare to be humiliated
in front of Misty.

[gasping]

Come on. Let me m*rder you.

[grunts]

When the heck did you learn
to walk to walk on stilts?!

The question you
should be asking is:

"Will Kip show me mercy?"

[grunts]

The answer is "no."

Punch! Punch! Punch!

I love you now, Kip!

[sobbing]:
Why am I so crazy?

[grunts]

And now for a cute
little death blow

I call "The Blood Brother."

That's a stupid name.
Now finish me.

[cream hisses]

[grunts]

Ow, my hand!

What happened?

Ha! The Rack-U-Tane wore off,

so now Misty will see
who the real man is.

Let's do this.

[grunting]

Quit breathing on me!

That tickles!

Illegal!

I'm telling Grandma!

Yeah, this looks familiar.

Here comes
the hair pulling.

BOTH:
Ow! Ow!

Quit it!
Let go of me!

You first!
Geez!

These p*ssy willows are ruining
my show!

[booing]

[chain saw revving]

Raise the cage!

[loud clanging]

[chewing sounds]

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you

the beast of the Thundercone
and the love of my life...

Starla!

[primal roar]

♪ Love of his life! ♪

Isn't it ironic,
Napoleon?

We've been fighting
over a woman,

and now we're
gonna die under one.

Don't worry, Kip.

You'll never wind up
under a woman.

You know what to do.

You better
believe it, baby.

[revving]

Huh?

[growling]

Me first!

[booing]

Thanks, Kip.
I couldn't have

chickened-out
with a better guy.

Can we make up later?

I can't run and talk
at the same time.

[both gasp]

[roaring]

k*ll 'em, honey bunch!

I love you, Starla!

♪ All that she wants is
another pizza ♪

♪With pepperoni♪

♪ All that she wants is
another pizza ♪

♪Yeah-eah, yeah-eah.♪

I used to come here

after all
my high school football games.

Except back then
it was a Laundromat .

Are all their songs
about pizza?

Pizza-ritaville's
not about pizza,

it's about a town.

I think they're
from there.

They're not from
anywhere, idiot.

They're fake.

Thank you!
Good night!

[equipment powers down]

See?

Always good to see you, Kip.

Told ya!