01x21 - Lopez vs Bucket Crabs

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat saxophone music]

- You're late.

I didn't invest in
Lop-E.Z. Movers to lose money.

Didn't you put this client
meeting in your calendar?

- I don't have a calendar.

On the day of a move, I get
a call from the client saying,

"Where the hell are you?"

Then I tell 'em,
"Around the corner."

And I jump in the shower.

Landing this commercial move
would be big for us.

There's the client.

Remember the number one rule
in business.

Shut up.
Let me do the talking.

- Hi, there, I'm George Lopez,
founder of Lop-E.Z. Movers.

As you can see, I only have the
strongest members on my crew.

Momo here can do 50 push-ups.

- He's right.

I pushed up 50 of my cousins
over the fence at the border.

- And I've hired them all.

Lop-E.Z. Movers,
a sanctuary business.

- You're literally
lifting up your community.

- 90% of our profits goes
to a Latina businesswoman--

me.

- I reviewed your bid.

I just need to talk to one more
Latino-run moving company.

Maybe you know the owner.

- Oh, so why is that?

Because I'm Latino, we have
to know every other Latino?

- Jorge, hey, George!
[laughs]

- Danny Martinez.

- So you do know each other.
- Mm.

- Thank goodness.

I was sweating there
for a second.

- George used to work
for Danny.

He was kind of his mentor.

- Oh, I'll give you two
a moment to catch up.

This is the part where I quiet
my own voice to amplify yours.

- You seem to have a lot
of bankable white guilt.

Why don't we discuss
your insurance needs?

- I'm excited to meet
your mentor,

you know,
since you're my mentor.

- I'm not your mentor.

What you trying to do?
Turn this into "The Momo Show"?

"The George Lopez Show"
is on right now.

We don't have any room
for guest stars.

This guy been trying to pull
me down my entire career.

- George, I know we've had
our differences in the past,

but I'm a changed man now.

- You've changed?

You've had that same ponytail
for the last 30 years.

And let me tell you something.

It's not as cool
as you think it looks.

- I think it's badass.

- George, I'm a new man,

ever since I started practicing
the art of tai chi.

It's helped my rage
and my "siratica."

- I don't care about your
"siratica" or your chai tea.

Once I named my business
Lop-E.Z. Movers,

he named his business

Martin-E.Z. Movers
to steal customers.

I was E.Z. first.

- It's pronounced "Martin-eez,"

because white people
love martinis,

like they love donuts, tacos,

and the "Spy Kids" trilogy.

- Oh, yeah.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- There you are.

Mommy meeting
is about to start.

I have been stalling
for as long as I can,

but we have already discussed
the entire "Vanderpump" saga.

- Oh, thanks.

You know,
this rabbit was in labor,

and it just kept going
and going and going.

- Hey. It's OK.

I'm just glad you can make it

now that your night classes
are done.

- Yeah, you know, hopefully,
I can take it over from here

and you can join
the daddy group.

- There is no daddy group.

I tried to start one,
but the dads,

they just kept forwarding
all the messages to the moms.

- OK. Well, who do I talk to

about getting on
the mommy group text?

- Don't rush it.

Natalia will let you in
when she's ready.

- Is Natalia that super mom
who runs every committee?

- Yes.

And she controls
who gets invited to play dates.

So if she doesn't like us,

Chance will end up
being the lonely boy

playing with worms
under the bleachers.

- Don't worry, babe.

We're two Latina moms.

She's probably going
to be happy I'm there now,

because we speak
the same language.

Unless she speaks Spanish.

In that case, we don't.

- And that's when I said,
"Hard-boiled eggs for lunch?

What is this, Guantánamo?"
[laughter]

- [laughs]

Natalia,
you are a hoot and a half.

Guantána-yes to that joke.

- [laughs]
Oh, you must be Mayan.

It is so great
to finally meet you.

We missed you at the last--

every meeting we've ever had.

- Yeah, sorry, I've just been
so busy working at the vet,

and I was taking night classes.

I try to do it all--

bring home the bacon and
wrap it around a little smokie.

Bacon-wrapped little smokie?

- I never eat meat
wrapped in meat.

Anyway, we were just discussing

what our next school event
should be.

- Oh, what about Career Day?

You know, the kids can learn
about different jobs,

and I can bring in
some animals from my work.

all: Aww.

- That is adorable.

- I'm allergic.
- I will turn it into a stew.

- What about Culture Day?

all: Ooh.
- Yeah.

- Families can bring in
foods and items

from their unique
cultural backgrounds.

- Yeah, and maybe the kids
can come dressed in costumes

that represent their culture.

- Mayan, we can't have kids
showing up

in problematic headdresses.

This isn't Coachella.

[laughter]

Oh, but don't worry.

We'll figure it out
in the group text.

- Oh, about that,
I'd love to be added.

- Oh, no need.
Quinten can just fill you in.

He keeps us very entertained.

He's like the Andy Cohen
of our mom squad.

- You ladies are incorrigible.

[laughter]

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- No one would even touch these
after Natalia said,

"I don't eat meat
wrapped in meat."

- That's crazy.

The outside meat enhances
the flavor of the inside meat.

- Look, everyone just goes
along with what Natalia says.

Once she assumed
I was from Florida.

So now I'm from Florida.

I bought jorts.

- She won't even
let me contribute.

I mean,
what does she have against me?

- Is she Latina?
- Yeah, so?

- She's a bucket crab.
- What's that?

- It's when Latinos try
to pull each other down

like crabs in a bucket.

It's what Danny Martinez
has been doing to me.

- Dad, we're talking
about my thing.

- See, when I first
opened my business,

Danny wanted to be

the only successful
Latino mover in town.

So what'd he do?
He stole my name,

tore up my flyers,
and tried to poach my employees

by offering them minimum wage.

- My generation of Latinés
doesn't do that.

We support each other.

Natalia's not a bucket crab.
She just doesn't like me.

- Sounds to me like
she's knocking you down

so that she can be
the only Latina mom

in the group that shines.

- No, I'm sure
there's other Latina moms

in the group who shine,
right, Quinten?

- There's two others.

But I do not know their names

because Natalia calls them
number two and number three.

- You see, number four?

I know what I'm talking about,
Mayan. Trust me.

I've been dealing with crabs
since my early 20s.

- Good news.
We got the job.

The client loved you, even
after meeting you in person.

- Because I'm irresistible
to white women.

They like me, because
I smell like a coconut drink

they can drink
on Rosarito Beach

while they're getting
their hair braided.

- Well, she also loved Danny,

so she suggested
that you do it together.

- No way. Absolutely not.

I'm not working with
that Mexican Rapunzel.

- You have no choice.

This client loves supporting
Latino businesses.

I don't know what skeletons
are in her closet,

but they're probably
named Paco and Chuy.

[upbeat saxophone music]

[upbeat saxophone music]

- It's nice you came
to pick up Chance with me.

- Yeah, well,
I realized as a mom,

I really should spend
more time with Natalia.

I am getting on
that mommy group text.

- Mayan?

I've never seen you
on school grounds before.

Did security give you a hassle?

It's OK!
She's actually a parent!

- A working parent.

But I pick up Chance
all the time.

- Mommy?
What are you doing here?

It's OK!
She's actually my mommy!

- OK, so for Culture Day,

I was thinking
you could bring

one of your traditional
Florida dishes.

- [in Southern accent]
I got a whole mess

of gator nuggets fixin' to fry.

- Oh, I'll be coming too,
so what can I bring?

- Oh, OK.

How about spanakopita?

Ooh, or tzatziki?

- Why?

- Because you're Greek.
Right?

I mean...
[chuckles]

The eyebrows.

- No. I'm Mexican and Cuban.

- No way.
Me too.

Well, whatever booth you want
is yours.

- Oh, then I'll take Mexico.

- Oh, that one's mine.

- OK, well, what about Cuba?

- Oh, also mine.
[chuckles]

- I'm a quarter Dominican.

- I'm covering
all of Latin America.

- So what's available?

- Greece.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- I can't believe
I'm stuck working

with someone I can't stand.

- You get used to it.

- You don't get it.

Danny's going to sabotage me
like he always does.

That guy's only out
for himself.

- Hey, I brought donuts.

- Oh, so thoughtful,

and thank you again for being
open to collaborating.

- [chuckles]
Teamwork makes the dream work.

George, we packed
all these boxes.

You guys can move them.

- All right.
- Let's go, guys.

- You see?
Danny's not trying to hurt you.

- Augh!

You see that?
He rigged this on purpose!

All right, the crab
has come out of the cocoon.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- I think your spanakopita
might be ready...

[sniffs]



- Ooh.

Oh, come on.

Augh.
[sighs]

Natalia knows I'm not Greek.

She just doesn't want me
to outshine her

with my delicious
Mexican or Cuban dishes.

- You don't know how to cook
those foods either.

- But my mom does, and I could
have taken the credit.

[line trilling]

Oh, it's Natalia.

[phone chimes]
- Hola, hermana.

- Oh, hi, hermana.

- I just wanted
to let you know

that you don't have to stress
about the Greek booth.

- What?
[chuckles]

No, I haven't b*rned anything.

- We found someone else.

Kendra just got back
from Santorini,

so she's a little closer
to the culture.

Good news.

You don't have to do anything
or even show up.

I got to run. Besitos.

- Dad, you were right.

Natalia is a bucket crab.

- Then do to her what I'ma do
to Danny tomorrow.

Crab his ass.

- Oh, I will.

I'm going to show up
loud and proud,

and I'm going to boil that crab

right out of her
Jessica Simpson ballet flats.

- You know what?

Group text be damned.
I've got your back.

Let's go crabbing.

- Take it easy, all right?
When we crab, it's courageous.

When you crab, it's r*cist.

- Then I will quiet my claw
to amplify yours.

[upbeat saxophone music]

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Hey.

Have you seen my guys?
They seem to have disappeared.

- Huh, you can't find
your guys?

How unprofessional.

I gave his employees
some of Mayan's spana-caca.

They'll be in the porta potties
all afternoon,

squeezing out
a big fat Greek rrrt!

- Bucket crabbing
is so old-school.

Shouldn't we break the cycle?

- You're right.

We'll cut the brakes
on his motorcycle next.

Hey, Danny, you know,
the elevator's broken.

Man, do you mind taking
these boxes marked "fragile"

downstairs for me?

- Got it. I got it.

I got it.

[objects shattering]
I still got it!

You messed with the dolly,
George, to make me look bad.

- Or did I mess with it
to make myself look good?

- Big mistake, Lopez.

- What you gonna do?

You gonna try some of that
"tai cheese" on me?

- Hey.

I could k*ll a man four ways
with one finger.

- You brought a finger
to a crab fight?

[both grunting]

Huh? Shouldn't I have been
dead six pokes ago?

Oh, it's like that, huh?
Come on, then!

[grunts]
Oh.

Wow!

- My little pony.

- What the hell
is going on here,

and why is George
holding a weave?

- He sabotaged me.
- His ponytail's a clip-on.

- OK, that's it.
Group meeting right now.

- That's a good idea, 'cause
I got a lot of questions.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Surprise, babosos,I lied.

There's no meeting.

I'm locking you two in here
until you figure out

how to stop pinching
and fingering each other.

- Hey, take this.

You look weird without it.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- Hello, Natalia.
- Oh.

- Gator nugget?
- Mmm.

Those are going to pair nicely
with my mole verde,

featured in
"Latina" magazine March 2016.

I bet Mayan was pretty relieved
she didn't have to come, huh?

- Oh, no, she's coming.

And she is actually very
excited to share her heritage.

[Delinquent Habits'
"Tres Delinquentes]

♪ ♪

[engine rumbling]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I flex my brasos hard-core
down for the clicka' ♪

♪ Who's that emanating funk
through the speaka' ♪

♪ Bass gets to thumpin'
ruckas get to pumpin' ♪

♪ Who's that rockin'
got the party start jumpin' ♪

[engine revving]

- Orale.

What's up, fools?

This Mexicana, Cubana,
y Dominicana

is here to celebrate
Culture Day.

[high-pitched hollering]

- Mayan, you are mocking our
culture by being a stereotype.

- Or am I celebrating it
by being dope?

You're the stereotype,
bucket crab.

- You're the bucket crab.

You're blocking my booth
so no one can get to my mole

that America Ferrera
once called "not bad."

- Take your mole
off of my lowrider.

- Take your lowrider
out of my culture fair.

I'm not moving my mole.

- Fine.

I'll do it for you.

- Holy mole!

[upbeat saxophone music]

[upbeat saxophone music]

- We wouldn't be trapped
in here

if you didn't try
to sabotage me with that box.

That desk lamp almost
claimed my last toenail.

- Hey, I-I didn't do that.

If I did, I would've stayed
to watch and laugh.

[laughs]

Hey, there's a hatch.

We could stack these boxes
and climb out.

- You know,
I was going to say that.

Man, you steal everything.

You would steal my hair
from my head if you could.

- Why can't you just
let this go?

- You don't understand.
I looked up to you.

Why couldn't you support
another Latino

just trying to do something
for himself?

- Growing up,
I thought the only way

to make it in the white man's
world is to keep our own down.

- I can relate.

We all felt that there wasn't
enough opportunities for us,

so we all had
to fight for that one.

- But what has it led to?

We're just too old crabs
locked in a truck.

Let's start fresh.

Let me lift you up first.

- No, no, no, no.
You know what?

Let me lift you up.
I insist.

- OK.
[grunting]

- Yeah, yeah.
- [grunting]

- I got you.

[chuckles]
All right.

OK, great.
Now help me up.

Once a bucket crab,
always a bucket crab!

I curse you, Danny Martinez!

I will dedicate my life
to ruining yours!

You will rue the day--

- [panting]

I just needed a minute
to find my machete.

- Wow, man.
You have changed.

Even your machete's smaller.

Hey, um...

think I could try
that ponytail on?

- Oh, yeah.

- It's so silky.

- It's from
the Ariana Grande Collection.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry
I ruined Culture Day.

- I just licked mole
off a lowrider.

This is the best day ever!

- At least you got him
to eat my mole.

My own son said
it looked like blended Shrek.

That's why I like Chance.
He appreciates what I do.

- Thanks.

I like your kid, too.

He's really, um--

I don't know who your kid is.
I'm sorry.

- Don't be. He's a biter.

- I shouldn't have called you
a bucket crab.

When you called me Greek,
you hit my biggest insecurity--

not feeling Latina enough.

- I thought your
biggest insecurity

was being a working mom

and not going to a lot
of school events.

- I have a lot
of insecurities, OK?

Being a Latina is hard.

Add mom to that,

and it can just feel
impossible sometimes.

You sure make it look easy,
though.

- [scoffs]
I wish.

When you brought up Career Day,

it brought out
my biggest insecurity--

not having a career.

People think that
stay-at-home moms

have no personality
outside of being a mom,

but I have a personality.

It's grating, but I have one.

- Well, now that we know
what it feels like

to be on a Nickelodeon show,

can you finally add me
to the group text?

- Are you sure?

It's mostly just Quinten
bombarding us

with Andy Cohen GIFs.

Girl, he gave himself
that title.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, look, you two scuttled
out of your bucket.

I'm glad I locked you
both in that truck.

- Why? Because we resolved
all our issues?

- No, because
without you tontos,

we finished this move
in record time.

Maybe the reason why you two
aren't more successful

isn't bucket crabbing.

It's that you're terrible
at your jobs.

- You know, maybe I should
just give up and sell tacos

for a living.

- I know I said you weren't
my mentee, but if you want,

I could show you the ropes.

Maybe one day, you can start
your own moving company.

- Thanks.

I already know what
I'm going to call it.

MoMo-MovingCo.

- It's too bad
your name's not Stuart.

You could call it
Stu-Stu-Stupido.

I'm getting so much
out of this mentorship.

Come on.