01x02 - Commando App

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Okay, guys,

you have been trained
for all kinds of missions.

But you are about
to enter a soul-bruising,

confidence-crushing
apocalyptical environment:

High school.

Adam, Bree, your glitch test
results are fairly stable.

Yes!
I'm going to school!

I'm fairly stable!

But, chase, I am still concerned
about your commando app.

Commando app?

Put on some underpants.
We're going to school.

No, see, in the face
of an imminent threat,

chase's commando app kicks in

and he becomes a fearless brute

I like to call spike.

It's kinda like
a fight-or-flight thing,

except I took out the flight
part, 'cause, useless.

And I replaced it

with a testosterone level

of like a tasmanian
devil-Wolverine-

shark-lion hybrid that's mad.

Don't worry,
Mr. Davenport.

I promise that spike
won't rear his ugly head.

Oh, yeah? You mean
like last Christmas

when I made the mistake
of giving Adam boxing gloves?

[ Growls ]

Anybody else confused about
the don't-punch-me rule?

Ugh. I'm still
coughing up tinsel.

You know, letting chase go to
school, isn't such a good idea.

I can't risk spike coming out.

Oh, come on, big "d."

Chase has to come.

With these guys, I'll
finally get a prime spot

in the cafeteria.

That's right, y'all.

Put on your coats, 'cause I'm
about to ride your tail!

Don't worry.

We'll make sure he stays
out of trouble, right guys?

Yeah. It's one for all
and all for one.

Unless, of course,
you guys make me look bad,

in which case,
I am dropping you lame-os.

Mr. Davenport,
I can't miss school.

This is the beginning
of my academic achievements

and career trajectory.

I mean, the road to astronaut
lawyer has to start somewhere.

Okay.

But I better not get
a call from the art teacher

saying that spike
ripped out her larynx.

Actually, she wouldn't
be able to say anything,

because spike ripped
out her lar...

The point is just keep
him out of trouble.

Hey, look what I found.

[ Groans ]

Look, I'm sorry, but if he's
that close to the gloves,

it's gonna happen.

Narrator: The world's
first bionic superhumans.

They're stronger than us,

faster, smarter...

The next generation
of the human race is...

Living in my basement?

♪♪

♪♪

Okay, you guys.

That's principal Perry.

She has the temperament
of a junkyard dog

stuffed into a really
bad pantsuit.

Hey, you!

No tongue rings in school!

Don't try to hide it.

I will take a metal detector
to your face!

This is it.
My chance for romance.

On TV, the new girl
always drops her books

and the cute guy with the
soulful eyes picks them up.

Oops! Sorry, I'm new.

Okay, your social life is
determined by where you sit.

We can't sit at the cool table.

But we can be
cool table adjacent.

Fyi, Adam just sat down
at the cool table.

Leo: What?!

He can't sit there!

That's where the
football players

sit with the cheerleaders.

And they pride themselves on
finding very clever places

to stuff your pudding cup.

Those girls are
actually talking to him.

And they can't talk about
shapes and colors forever.

See ya.

No!

The football players
are gonna turn them

into the 5th food group.

It's a rescue mission.
Move in. Move in.

Oh, hey, guys.

These girls just told me

when the football
players get here,

I'm getting a free pudding cup.

Hi!

[ Mumbles ]
Walk away.

How's it going?

You're in great danger.

[ Players chanting ]

[ Sorry. fs ]

Hey. That's my seat.

Get lost before
I use you like a napkin.

Chase, we should probably go.

He's not very absorbent.

Oh, look, a spill!

I think I'm gonna wipe
it up with your face.

[ Low warbling ]

[ Deep voice ]
Think again, bubbleneck.

I'm gonna rip out your kneecaps
and use them as hockey pucks.

Okay, I don't mean
to alarm anyone,

but I think spike's back.

You have no idea who
you're messing with.

Okay?

Pudding cups!

Ohh, I'll take thhey!

Ooooh!

You're dead!

[ Roars ]

You, okay, okay.

You're lucky that we have to go
to the reading center right now.

[ Cheers & applause ]

[ Deep voice ]
Take a seat, compadres.

This is our table now.

Hello, ladies.

You may remember
me from health class

when I passed out during
the miracle of birth video.

It's good to see you again.

♪♪

[ Warbling ]
Hey, daddy's home!

That's never gonna
stop being weird.

I'll be in the lab.

With the kids at school,
I'm gonna get so much work done.

But I'm all alone.

I thought you were
gonna play with me.

Come on!
Let's play dodge ball!

I'm a grown man,

I don't have time
to play dodge ball.

Besides, you cheat.

You do too cheat.

Do not.

Fine. All right.
We'll play one game.

Eddie. That's cheating.

And you weren't even trying.

Big cheater.

All right.

Make room for the Alpha dogs.

Woof! Wooof! Woof! Woof!

Okay. Do that.

Wait, if we're the Alpha dogs,

then...

Oh, I love this!

[ Deep voice ]
What's this?

That's an all access hall pass.

You can go anywhere
you want with that.

I can go anywhere
I want already.

These, ugh, are my hall passes.

Okay, if he starts oiling up,
I'm out.

[ Low warbling ]

[ Normal voice ]
Commando app disengaged?

Guys!

Why was I in commando mode?

I didn't see a commando mode.

Oh, that's good.
Everyone keep lying.

You guys were supposed
to watch out for me.

Oh, we watched the whole thing.

You manhandled the quarterback

and pudding popped
the whole offensive line!

What?

Aw, great.

This is so gonna
come back to haunt

my supreme court nomination.

You know what spike would
say to that? Nothing.

He'd rip out your rib cage
and play it like a xylophone.

Yeah, I like him.

He's like a big, fun monster,
and you're a sad little buddy.

I'll get spike back.

Get lost before I use
you like a napkin.

[ Grunts ]

Yeah, this isn't gonna work.

[ Warbling ]

Guess who-oo?

Eddy, I... I really
need you to be quiet.

All right. Quiet.
Sshhh!

♪ Who's the luckiest
girl at the fair ♪

♪ It's the girl who
was right with me there ♪

Su-eeeey!

Eddy! Your singing voice
is like cats being dragged

down a blackboard.

Uh, sorry.
You're working.

Shush!

[ Hums a tune ]

Eddy. All right, I'm sorry.
I didn't want to do this,

but you leave me
no other choice.

There. Finally.

[ Musical ringtone ]

Hello?

Hi!

Eddy:
I'm still here!

Hey, baby.
Wanna nibble?

Hey, there's Trent.

I better go apologize.

Whoa! Slow it up,
buttercup.

Mail him a greeting card.
It's so much more personal.

Guys, look.

The cheerleaders cut up
my food into tiny pieces.

I'm eating a Turkey burger
through a straw.

Mmm. Gibblet-y!

Hey! New kid! Come here!

Do you know what happens

when my football players
get humiliated?

No! You don't.

Because my football players
don't get humiliated.

They look humiliated to me.

[ Slurps ]

I know what team
spirit is about.

Because I was the jammer

on the north pacific
roller derby championship team.

Quite an accomplishment.

Don't mock me, squash face.

My career ended when
a trash talker like you

got inside my head and I wiped.

One zebra called it

the worst single-bodied
collision she'd ever seen.

I'd crash too if I saw
a talking zebra.

It's a referee, you desk donkey.

They told me what you did
this morning at breakfast.

You will not undermine
the morale of my team.

Evacuate this table.

Now!

[ Low warbling ]

[ Deep voice ] Watch who
you're talking to, sports bra.

I bet you panicked,

threw yourself off the track

and blamed the other
team for your weakness.

Do you think this spike thing's
gotten a bit out of hand?

He might've crossed
the line at sports bra.

I had to quit because
of that accident.

Quit? Or move out
of the state in shame?

Ooooh.

He doesn't know!

He wasn't there.

Why don't you hop
in your economy car

and tootle on home
to your six cats

and your online
bingo tournament.

Jokes on you.

I have five cats. Ha!

You didn't get our table back.

Bumming us out.

Even more bummed out
when we lose.

[ Whines ]
Do something.

All right, kid.

I'll make you a deal.

Let's be civilized and settle
this the old fashioned way.

With a bone-crushing grudge
match on the football field!

We're in. Me...

Him, her... and him.

You and your band of nobodies
versus my fighting dingoes.

Who is she calling a nobody?

I got half a bff necklace today.

Winner takes table
and all the glory.

Oh, ma'am, as much as I'd like
to flex my football fanciness,

um, girls soccer has
the field tonight.

Ah, just as well.

I can't condone such a violent
game on school grounds.

So let's take it to the
dog park across the street!

Dingoes: Yeah!

Am I the only one
that's gonna need

a fresh change of
pants before we start?

[ Cheering ]

This doesn't seem fair.

Seems fair to me.

Let's get it on!
[ Whistle ]

Lepardon me?

I huddled before I got here.

Oh, man, you guys don't
know how to play football.

Okay, we need to stop that team

from getting into our
end zone and scoring a...

Hike!

[ Screams ]

touchdown.

All right, Adam.

You squat down right here,

and when I say, "hike,"

you're gonna pass the ball
between your legs to my hands

which will be right here.

Whoa!

Hey, it's football.
It's not handsball.

Break!

Hey, nuggethead.

Quit sucking air and hike
him the ball like this.

[ Yells ]
Hey!

Safety! Two points!

Losing makes me wanna rip out
my own intestines

and wear 'em as a sweat band.

Okay.

The only way we're gonna win
is if we use your super speed,

your super strength and your
super-nutty split personality.

I'll do whatever it takes.

I already smell like
a sweaty ape.

I don't want this
to be for nothing.

Here's what we're gonna do.

All: Break!

Yeah! Go team!
Whoo!

I'm a football player
and a cheerleader.

I'm that good.

[ Whistle blows ]

Hey. Is that a biggie burger
truck pulling up?

[ Loud whooshing ]

Guess not. Hike!

Hey! How'd our shoes
get tied together?

Touchdown!

[ Cheering ]

[ Roars ]

Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!

Well, if Bree can be
a cheerleader, I can too!

Whhooo! o!

Eddy, I owe you a huge apology.

I should've never covered
you with sticky notes.

Apology accepted.

Now entertain me!

What am I, a balloon? No.

But I do have
something that will.

[ Warbling ]

Eddy, meet Edie.

Well, hello there.
Aren't you easy on the screen.

Hiya, hot stuff!

You look like a million
megapixels.

I bet you say that
to all the emoticons.

Just the curvy ones
with one eye.

You designed her for me?
I love you, man.

I love you too...

Vaguely disturbing
smart-home system.

[ Cheering ]

Seven seconds left.

Now remember, kids,

there's no shame in losing.

Oh, wait.
Yes, there is!

[ Perry cackles ]

Game on!
[ Blows whistle ]

All right, we have
time for one more play.

Spike, you scored
every touchdown today.

You score one more and we win.

Give me the ball.

If I don't come back
with their spleens,

you'll know I failed.

[ Low warbling ]

[ Normal voice ]
Wait! Where am I?

And am I wearing a jock strap?

Oh, no.

It's chase.

We need spike back!
Where is he? Where is spike?

Hey, let's go!
We don't have all day!

Time out!

[ Whistle blows ]

I told you.
I don't wanna be spike.

Look, I've been waiting

for my first day of
school for 15 years.

And now I don't
even remember it.

When you put it that way,
I just feel selfish.

Yeah.

Oh, come on! Snap out of it!
I wanna win!

No, he's right.

Come on, guys,
we can still win this thing.

And even if we don't,
what do we have to lose?

Popularity.

Everything.

Come on, we playing football or
we playing putt-putt? [Laughs ]

Here's what we're gonna do.

I'll do
a flea-flicker toss to you.

And I'll use my mathematical
analysis to throw the perfect pass.

Adam, assume the position.

All right, this is
the last time I'm doing this.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Cheering ]

Ready? Hike!

Chase! Over here!

Chase! I'm open!
Throw it to me!

Don't throw it to her!
Throw it to me!

Chase! Over here!

Chase! I'm open!

Throw it!

[ Groaning ]

Game over! Dingoes win!

Yeah!

See ya in the cafeteria,
Alpha duds!

Oh!

And the pudding's on you.
[ Laughs ]

Well, we may not be
the Alpha dogs anymore,

but at least
we still have each other.

We're not total nobodies.

No, we are total nobodies,

but at least I have you three
to carry my broken butt home.

Your whole life's
a disappointment.

At least I don't
look like a frog!

People love frogs.
You look like an owl!

Owls are wise.
You know what else is wise?

Old people like you.

Yeah, I'm old. Shouldn't
you be joining a boy band?

You look like a poodle!!

People make calendars
of poodles.

How many bulldog calendars
have you seen?

Ten. I collect 'em.

They must be worth a lot
'cause they're so rare.

Speaking of rare,
when was your last date?

Tuesday. We had clams.
They looked just like you.

[ Sniffs ] Are you sweating?
'Cause I smell gravy.

Yeah, well, lucky for us,
we already have the Turkey!

Hey, Ireland called. They
want their leprechaun back!

♪♪