01x01 - Mother Dearest

[bunniefuu]

All right, class.

Here's one that everyone
should know but few do.

The first capital of
our country was...?

Oh, the chosen few.

Mr. Brookwell.

I'm dorry.

I don't know.

I'm dorry you don't know, too.

But I do.

All right.

Mr. Thomas.

You seem to have had
time to chew on this one.

Uh... No, "uh" is
the capital of "duh"

which you seem
to be the mayor of.

Hey, just in case
you didn't know

my hand is up over here.

All right, just
letting you know.

All right.

Uh, uh, why don't we
let Raven take this one?

I didn't ask her.

I asked you.

The answer, class,
is Philadelphia.

I hate he only calls on people

who don't have
their hands raised.

Yeah, and that
cracking sound is nasty.

My grandmother
does that with her toes.

Now many people attribute

this scientific advance
to Benjamin Franklin

but it was really made
by Michael Faraday.

Ms. Baxter.

But... I don't have my hand up.

Exactly.

Mr. Petracelli

when my hand is
up, I know the answer

and when my hand is down,
I don't know the answer.

Let me explain it again.

Hand up... know,
hand down... don't.

I'm just saying.

No.

You're just saying
everything but the answer

which is electricity
which led to the light bulb

which is obviously not
going off in your head.

All right, Raven.

You really told petracelli off.

So unless you have anything else

to waste class time with...

As a matter of fact, I do.

Let me break it down.

Why do you only call on people

who don't have
their hand raised?

Whom I call on is my choice.

Sit down.

Mmm. But see, I had my hand
up plenty of many of times today.

But you only called on me
when I did not know the answer.

And I know why.

Because you have
more fun embarrassing us

than teaching us.

And trust me, the
whole class got my back

on this one right here.

Ooh.

Um...

It's probably, you
know, the wrong time

to be talking about this, right?

Right.

And maybe, you know,
after school we could

toss it around a little bit.

Let's toss it around.

Good idea.

Why don't you and I

toss it around
tomorrow after school.

And, hey, let's toss
in your parents, too.

All right, Raven.

You really told petracelli off.

Rae... Rae...

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ if you could gaze
into the future ♪

♪ future, future ♪

♪ you might think life
would be a breeze ♪

♪ life is a breeze ♪

♪ seeing trouble
from a distance ♪

♪ yeah ♪ go, Rae.

♪ But it's not that easy ♪

♪ oh, no ♪
take it to the bridge now

♪ I try to save the situation ♪

♪ then I end up misbehaving ♪

♪ hey, now, say now ♪

♪ about to break
down, yeah, come on ♪

♪ and brow with the break, hey ♪

♪ in that the future
looks great now ♪

♪ and everything's
gonna change now ♪

♪ let's keep it going ♪
♪ that's so Raven ♪

♪ it's the future I can see ♪

♪ that's so Raven ♪

♪ it's so mysterious to me ♪

Yep, that's me.

Okay, my parents have
to meet with petracelli.

They are going to freak.

How am I going to tell them?

Just fake being sick.

They can't get
mad if you're sick.

I stopped doing that kind
of stuff when I was eight.

It's brilliant.

Yeah.

And I got a great
recipe for fake vomit.

Little bit of cream corn

some yogurt and some dog food.

And if you pop it in the oven
at 350, it'll actually steam.

Excuse me.

Say, brother, that's my locker!

I know.

I had it last year.

It's a good location.

Right next to the
water fountain.

But there are lots
of water fountains.

I like this one.

You can't do this!

I know my rights!

I don't get it.

What's so great about being
near that water fountain?

Exhibit "a".

Mmm!

Fake vomit is great,
but I need more.

I need a master in deceit

and the art of
psychological manipulations.

That's why I came to you.

You made a wise choice.

I'm going to need
that five bucks up front.

It's cool. Now...

This little trick works on
mom and dad every time.

I call it... "The three cs."

Now what does that stand for?

"Crazy, creepy and constipated"?

That was one night!

Now do you want my help or not?

Okay, I'm sorry.

The three cs are?

"Cuddle," "compliment"
and the ever popular "cry".

Wait a second. That's
what got you out of

burning the
Christmas tree in '98?

Yep.

I cuddled up in mom's
arms, complimented dad

on the great job he did
with the Christmas lights.

And I even got a little tear.

Right here.

And they still gave
you that new bike.

And a basketball.

Yeah... '98 was a good year.

Corey Baxter!

Get down here right now!

Okay, I really screwed
up in school today.

You might want to
come and take notes.

Do you know who I just
got off the phone with?

Your teacher.

You have been acting
up in class again.

Victor, talk to your son.

Corey... Angry voice.

Corey.

We are very disappointed in you.

I'm sorry, daddy.

Oow...!

Stay with me.

Don't you go cuddling up to him

or giving us any of
your lame compliments.

And don't you even
think about crying

or you're going
to see a side of me

that's not very pretty.

Mother, how is that possible
when you're so beautiful?

Knock it off and
go to your room!

I'm going to need
that five bucks back.

What has gotten into him lately?

He's always acting
up with his teachers.

Don't be too hard on him, mom.

I mean, he's just a kid
and kids make mistakes.

Was she just
defending her brother?

I think so.

I've got to sit down...
The room is spinning.

Do you know what I
think we're seeing here?

A more mature,
responsible young lady.

The new Raven.

Well, it's not really
the new Raven, really.

I'm really the same ol' Raven.

Your grades have been good.

You've been helping
out around the house.

Yeah, I can't
remember the last time

we were called
down to the school

because you were, I don't know,
mouthing off about something.

Um... I mean... Ooh,
don't you miss it?

I mean, those were
the good times.

I messed up and
you got mad. Whee!

Anyhow, we're so proud of you

that we have a little
something for you.

Really? Well, I hope it's
a very little something.

We were going to
wait to your birthday

but now is a great time.

Come on.

And now... The greatest present

a teenage girl could ever want.

Ooh, you got me LeBron,
'cause I like them tall.

♪ Here you go, baby ♪

Oh. You got me a phone.

Mm-hmm.

With your own phone number.

I even programmed
the speed dial for you.

Your best friend in the
whole world is number one.

Go ahead, try it.

Okay.

Hey, girlfriend.

I'll show you how
to delete it later.

Okay.

Uh, mom... dad...

You know, I don't really
know how to say this...

And you don't have to.

Just keep up the good work.

Call me.

Yay.

Rae, just hang up and
go tell them the truth.

They'll understand.

Not after they told me
how proud they were of me.

No way, okay? To
them, I'm the new Raven.

And the new Raven
doesn't mess up.

So, what's the new
Raven going to do?

Well, I guess I'm just going
to have to go to petracelli

talk to him... no
parents... One-on-one.

Go get your mother.

Today!

Aah...!

Okay, that didn't go too well.

I want my mommy.

Look at that slob.

He's disgusting!

I mean, that is my locker

and if I don't take a stand now

it's going to ruin
my reputation!

Thomas, you don't
have "a reputation!"

Hey, man.

We got a problem.

We do?

Yeah, I'm not sharing
my locker, okay?

Oh, that's cool.

Uh, uh, uh, you-you're
throwing out my stuff.

And it can go
into my old locker.

Here's the combination.

Problem solved.

♪ When the temperature's hot ♪

♪ and the music is pumping ♪

Slow down.

This is a hallway,
not a freeway!

Ehh, ehh, ehh!

None of that.

Looking good, ritchie.

♪ Honey, don't go
runnin' to your mama. ♪

Well, you look like
a fine young student.

Could you please point
me to Mr. Petracelli's class?

Yeah, uh, one floor
down, first door to your left.

Aren't you a nice young
man? Look at those cheeks!

Oh, come on with the
pinching of the cheeks!

It's me... Raven.

Raven?

No, I am Tonya Baxter.

Raven's mother.

My daughter is in a bit of a jam

and I'm here to bail
her out, all right?

I'm coming back for you.

Come on, daddy, let's go.

Come on now.

You don't even
look like your mom.

You look more like
you ate your mom.

Relax, Eddie, okay?

Petracelli's never
even met my mom.

I'll just go in there

tell him Raven is
grounded for life

and then I'll unground myself.

All right, I'm going to go
in to see Mr. Petracelli.

I want you to count to
ten, knock on the door

and say that there's
an emergency at home

and that I have a phone call.

Well, hello there,
Mr. Petracelli.

I'm Tonya Baxter,
Raven's mother.

Uh, thanks for coming.

Anything for my
baby's favorite teacher.

Uh, so...

I know this is about my
baby getting talkative in class

and she assures me
that she's very sorry

and it'll never happen again.

Is that someone knocking?

I, uh, I didn't hear anything.

Mrs. Baxter, where's Raven?

Raven is...

Out in the car crying,
crying her little eyes out.

Big puffy red things, runny nose

even a face a mother
wouldn't look at.

Now I'm sure I heard
somebody knocking!

There is no one there.

Now, I need to speak with
you and Raven together.

Okay, when would you
want that, Mr. Petracelli.

Oh, when?

Let me check my calendar.

Now!

Okay, then.

I'll see what I can do.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not you!

Excuse me.

But I think the mayonnaise

on my sardine sandwich
I ate for lunch went bad

so, uh, I want to
apologize for any discomfort

I may cause you young ladies.

If you have perfume,
I'd spray it now.

Hurry up.

Okay, okay. How do I look?

You have your mother's hair.

You know, I've been told that...

No, no.

You have your mother's hair.

Oh, oh, okay, okay.

Is my hair okay, now?

Okay, do I look okay?

Look, I'll meet you back here

after I check out my new locker.

Good luck.

Is this your locker?

Not really.

Mine's on the third floor.

Some big guy took it
and made me come here.

- Oh, you, too?
- Hey, Larry.

Hey, Brendan.

Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me

you both share this locker?

Yeah, that guy's stolen

all the good lockers.

My was right next
to the snack machine.

This is crazy.

We can't let him
get away with this.

We outnumber him, y'all.

We should take some action.

Hey, Leland, this guy

wants to get our lockers back

like you tried to do.

So my mom says
you wanted to see me.

Uh, yes. With her.

Together. Both of you.

Is that really necessary?

I mean, why don't you
and I just sit down...

Go get your mother.

Today!

Aaahhh...

Is Raven here?

Oh, what a shame.

Why don't the two
of us just talk this out?

No.

Oh, cranky.

Someone needs
a little nappy nap.

Is my mother here?

She just left.

Now why did she do that?

She knows we need
to talk about this.

Tell her that. No, wait.

I'll tell her.

No! Wait!

I'll tell her!

Mrs. Baxter.

Coming, I'm coming.

Mrs. Bax... Ooh!

You called?

I'm a busy man, Mrs. Baxter.

I've talked to you

I've talked to your daughter,
and now I'm going home

to talk to myself

and ask why I ever
became a teacher.

Well, does that mean you
don't want to see Raven?

I don't need to see
anyone anymore...

Except maybe my mother.

Bye-bye, Mr. Petracelli.

I heard you stole
my baby's locker.

Look, all I was...

All right, now you get your
things out of there pronto.

Am I making myself clear?

But I've got all... Hey!

Now don't you "but" me, boy.

And if you say
any of this to Eddie

I got a bigger
purse with buckles.

Ow!

We're looking
for Mr. Petracelli.

We're Raven Baxter's parents.

Oh, oh, no.

Okay, okay... Ah!

You're young, walk.

All right, mom in the house!

All right, look.

The guys and I
have talked this over

and although we prefer
to avoid physical v*olence...

Or harsh language.

Or intimidating gestures.

I got this, guys.

Now could you please
give us back our lockers?

You know what?

You can have them.

Sure is good to be back home.

Mr. Petracelli, what
are you still doing here?

Oh, joy, you've returned.

Only because I was worried

about you staying
here at all times of night

cracking your neck.

What kind of life is that?

Mrs. Baxter, are you in the pta?

No.

Let's keep it that way.

All right.

Excuse me, we're
looking for Mr. Petracelli.

We're Raven Baxter's parents.

Uh, no, it's Ms. petracelli.

But we got a message
on our machine

from a Mr. Petracelli.

No, see, in the
morning I got a little cold.

See, uh...

So, uh, maybe you should leave.

Um, the message on
the machine said that, uh

Raven was talking back.

Talking back speaking up.

I just call it a big, old

misunderstanding.

Now, which brings
us back to "bye-bye."

Still here, all right,
you're still here.

Okay.

Oh, look, a bake sale.

Ms. Petracelli, we took
off the entire afternoon

to come down here.

So we're not leaving

until we get this
whole thing sorted out.

All right, we're not going...

Okay, all right.

Oh, now look at... What is this

doing here?

I did not know
Brazil was that big.

You know, it's funny.

We were just saying how
responsible Raven's become.

Mm-hmm.

We even got her a new phone.

And she loves that
phone like a puppy.

She said. To me.

Oh, look, I got mail.

You know, what
bothers me the most

that if Raven was having
a problem in school

why didn't she
come to us about it?

Mm-hmm. Any thoughts
about that, Ms. Petracelli?

Well, if I was
Raven which I'm not

maybe she would be
afraid to come to you

because she thinks that
you want her to be perfect

she said to me.

We don't expect
her to be perfect.

Yes, you do.

You even called
her "the new Raven."

Look, Ms. Petracelli

maybe we gave
Raven the wrong idea.

We are very proud of
her, but that doesn't mean

we don't expect her
to mess up sometimes.

Yeah, we want her to
feel like she can come to us

even when she does mess up.

And if Raven
doesn't know all that

then maybe we're not
doing our jobs as parents.

Raven thinks you're
doing a great job.

Really?

Really.

Victor, look.

It's Raven.

Holy cow.

It is.

Okay, now when
did y'all find out?

Well, when your butt
went left, you went right.

Mm, mm, mm.

Betrayed by the Booty.

I know I disappointed you

but will you please stop
staring at me like that?

Raven, please.

We're only taking the
phone away for two weeks.

But it looks so sad, dad.

Call me.

I just have one question.

When you put this on

exactly what mother
were you thinking of?

You look bootylicious.