02x05 - A Robot For All Seasons

[bunniefuu]

[festive music]

♪ ♪

whoosh

whoosh

Santa!

bam

kaboom!

Santa!

whoosh

Santa!

whoosh, whoosh,
whoosh, whoosh

whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh

[electronic voice]
Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a good night.

Around the world in 80 seconds,
whoo-hoo, not bad, Santa.

Thanks, Mom.

I mean--

[Jenny's real voice]
Thanks, Mom.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, Jenny.

I'm so grateful.

After my mysterious accident,

I thought I'd have to cancel
Christmas.

But thanks to you,

all the presents were
delivered in record time.

I gotta hand it
to you, Jenn.

I thought you were nuts trying
to sit in for Santa.

But you really
pulled it off.

I never doubted her
for a second.

Well, I couldn't have
done it alone.

Want to thank us for our
all-important moral support?

Well, I'm ready.

[kissing noises]

whoosh

Actually, I wanted to give
some props to my mom.

Thanks to her patented
Kringle-chip technology,

nobody noticed
the Santa switch.

[Tuck]
I don't know, Jenny.

This belly doesn't feel like
a bowl full of jelly to me.

Nope, no jelly.

Just a huge haul
of milk and cookies.

Yahoo!

chomp, chomp, chomp

[gargling noise]

Don't fill up on cookies,
Tuck.

Because you're all invited
to our day-long Christmas feast.

[all]
Hooray!

♪ We're spending Christmas
with Santa. ♪

♪ We've never felt
so gay. ♪

♪ There's no better way
to celebrate ♪

♪ this holly-jolly day. ♪

♪ The air all smells like
Christmas pudding ♪

♪ and fresh-baked
Christmas bread. ♪

♪ And my brain
is about to burst ♪

♪ with sugarplums
in my head. ♪

♪ Like a plague
of festive vermin, ♪

♪ elves are everywhere
you look: ♪

♪ in the air,
on the sea, ♪

♪ in every blessed
little nook. ♪

♪ Watch Santa
when the turkey's carved. ♪

♪ He'll eat half,
then pass the rest. ♪

♪ Don't step between
his plate and him. ♪

♪ That's if you
know what's best. ♪

♪ I can feel
the season's happiness ♪

♪ within me
as it glows ♪

♪ from the tip-top
of my mistle hat ♪

♪ down to my mistletoes. ♪

♪ Every other celebration
from now on will pale because ♪

♪ there's nothing that beats
Christmas ♪

♪ with good old
Santa Claus. ♪ ♪

Thanks again,
Mr. and Mrs. Claus.

Everything was wonderful.

Thank you, Jennifer.

Come back anytime.

Be good, everyone.

Ho, ho, ho,
ho, ho, ho, ho.

So, fellas, how you going to
spend your day after Christmas?

Same way as everyone else,

taking advantage
of all the sales at the mall.

Sales?

Well, XJ9, the Tremerton Mall
opens in less than five minutes.

So, as a reward
for a job well done,

take this credit card and--

zoom

Have fun.

Doggone it, Tuck.
You're weighing us down.

vroom

Well, guys,
we made it.

Where should
we go first?

Toys, toys, toys!

I hear the Gadget Shack
is having a sale on widgets.

Toys!

I could pick up a few more
black vests at Fashion Fair.

Toys!

I want to try out that new
lilac-scented motor oil.

Toys!

How about you, Tuck?

Is there any particular store
you'd like to visit first?

Hmm, well, I could use
some new socks and underwear.

Or we could go to...

Toys!!

All right, this is it.

I'm going in.

Bonsai!

Well, there goes
Tuck's college money.

Wow, what a mob.
It's survival of the craziest.

Oh, what's the use?

I never get what I want
for Christmas.

So why should the day after
be any different?

Aw, the poor tyke.

He should have gotten something
from Santa last night.

I could have sworn I followed
the nice list to the letter.

Maybe I moved too quickly
and missed a worthy child.

Hey!

bonk, bonk, bonk,
clunk, clunk, clunk

Jenny, some beef-head tossed me
out of the action figure bin.

You gotta get me
back in there.

[laughs nervously]

Not to worry, Tuck.

Alley-oop.

[machinery clanking]

Hold on tight.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.
Coming through.

Oh, my.

zoom

whoosh

Thanks, Jenny.
You're the best.

That was amazing.

What about you?

Do you see anything
you want?

Oh, my, yes.

Now, remember,
this is only temporary.

Kid, what are you doing?

Jenny's not a toy.

Come on, Brad.

If Santa did skip Todd Sweeney's
house this year,

the least I can do
is give him one day

to play with a giant
robot action figure.

Well...

Jenny knows what
she's doing, Brad.

I trust her judgment
implicitly.

A limo?

I didn't figure you
for a rich kid, Todd.

Money can't buy happiness.

It's clichéd but true.

Well, you're living,
frowning proof of that.

No wonder Todd is so miserable:
no toys, no playmates.

Poor little rich kid.

clunk

What the--

Now you are my sl*ve.

You must do
my every bidding.

[giggles]

Sure thing.

I mean, yes, master.

Come, my robotic minion.

Yes, master.

This way,
robot sl*ve.

Yes, master.

Todd, I thought you said
you never get any presents.

I said I never get
what I want.

On every holiday,
I'm showered with gifts,

but I never get the most
important gift of all.

sniff

Love?

No, weapons.

Wha?

But it no longer matters,

for now I possess
the ultimate w*apon: you.

[scary music]

meow

[electricity zapping]

zap

clank

[electricity zapping]

What the--

clank

What happened?

I am so out of here.

Oh, pardon me, sir.

I really must
be leaving.

clank

clamp

clank

slam, slam, slam, slam

This is crazy.

I've got to get
out of here.

Hey, I'll take Santa's way out.

Master Todd,
the robot girl has escaped.

Yes, she's quite the dynamo.

But that's why we acquired her,
isn't it, Skeeves?

Don't worry.

She'll be back.

Boy, am I glad
that's over with.

slam

bump, bump, bump

Hey, everybody.

What's with all the gifts
the day after Christmas?

[all screaming]

Well,
happy holidays to you too.

Hi, Mr. Mailman.

Bleh!

I guess he's still stressed
from the holiday rush.

Hey, Tommy,
how's the snow shoveling biz?

Aahh!

That bad, huh?

Hey, Tuck, did you buy that sled
at the sale today?

Daahh!

What the heck is wrong?

Has everyone turned
into Scrooge?

splat

All right,
who threw that?

Brad?

Wolverines, att*ck!

splat, splat

Keep it up, g*ng.

Enough snow,
and she'll short-circuit.

He's right.

I gotta get away.

She's going to blow!

Everybody, scatter!

vroom

clank

Maybe Mom will know
what's going on.

Mom?

[startled]
XJ9!

What a surprise
to see you.

[laughs nervously]

Mom, you won't believe
the day I've had.

Oh, really?

Well, why don't you
have a seat over there

and tell me
what happened.

Well, parts of it are still
a bit fuzzy.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

You just tell Mama
all about it.

[magnetism wobbling]

Skyway Patrol,
this is mama bird.

Baby bird is in the nest.

First Tuck, then Brad,
and now my own mother.

zap

The bird has left the roost.
Implement plan B.

What's happening?

Why does everybody hate me?

[glass shatters]

clamp

XJ9, you are under arrest.

Surrender immediately.

I didn't do anything!

[rockets f*ring]

boom

pow

boom

crash

[dog snarls]

[dogs barking]

splash, splash, splash

clunk

pow

[helicopter blades whirring]

[helicopter blades whirring]

[sirens wailing]

Down here!

[laser zapping]

[man]
Nice sh**ting, Lieutenant.

We won't have to worry about
that washing machine anymore.

All right, all right.
Let's check the roof.

That was close.

I'll say.

Sheldon?

Sheldon!

Wait, you're not
scared of me?

Of course not,
Jenny.

Sheldon, it's so good
to see a friendly face.

I can't believe
what I'm saying,

but we don't
have time for this.

Follow me.

Sheldon,
what's going on?

I'm gone
for a few hours,

and now everyone's
out to get me.

A few hours?
What do you mean?

What do you mean
what do I mean?

Tell me something,
Jenny.

How do you feel
when I show you these?

Easter eggs?

That's right, simple,
harmless Easter eggs.

Don't you want
to crush them?

Uh, no.

Then what about this?

Doesn't it fill you
with uncontrollable rage?

No, butyou're starting
to get on my nerves.

You really don't know
what's going on, do you?

Remember that morning
at the mall?

Duh, it was this morning.

Actually, Jenny,
it was almost one year ago.

[gasps]
No.

Yes, it's true.

After you got into
Todd Sweeney's limousine,

you never came home.

Then on New Year's Eve,
you returned.

[all]
Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four,

three, two...

yoink

[dejectedly]
Oh.

We didn't see you again
until Groundhog Day.

Aahh!

[Sheldon]
Every major holiday,
you'd return...

to destroy it.

crash

[patriotic music]

[firecrackers popping]

hiss, hiss, hiss, hiss

boom

[belches]

[doorbells ring]

[kids]
Trick or treat.

[vacuum sucking]

[f*ring]

[all screaming]

[sobbing]

lick, lick, lick

[festive music]

♪ ♪

slice, slice, slice

[air squeaking out]

[all screaming]

[farting noise]

I don't recall
any of that.

The last thing I remember

is getting zapped in the head
by Todd.

I knew it.

I knew it was either
mind control or an evil twin.

Of course,
no one believed me.

Hey, wait,
what are you doing?

I'm going to tell people
the truth.

Are you kidding?

You're public enemy
number one.

You're not going to change
their minds.

Maybe not,
but I know who can.

[whimpering]

[saw buzzing]

Welcome back, XJ9.

Have you had a pleasant
Christmas Eve?

I'm turning you in,
Todd Sweeney.

I know you've been secretly
controlling me.

But who will
believe you?

You're the renegade robot
who destroyed all the holidays.

But why?

Why destroy the holidays?

They're so cheerful.

Not anymore.

Not for a long time.

I remember
my last real Christmas

like it was yesterday.

That year,
Santa Claus gave my parents

a luxury cruise
to Bermuda.

I was left alone
with the servants.

clang

My parents never returned.

They retired.

They said they've never
been happier.

That day, I vowed

that if I could feel
no holiday joy,

then neither
would anyone else.

So far, we've wrecked
every holiday

except for the fattest
one of all.

But tonight,
we will destroy Christmas.

Forever.

Not if I can help it.

Oh, but I don't
think you can.

[controller beeping]

If we're going to save Santa
from Jenny,

we're going to need
some transport,

Wakeman style.

[Wakeman]
I'm way ahead of you, boys.

This baby will take us
to the North Pole at Mach 5.

You'll find some supplies
under the seat.

Whoa, a Robot Hurter 5000.

[Sheldon]
What are you doing?

You can't hurt Jenny.
It's not her fault.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
mind control, evil twin.

We've heard it all before.

We've sat back
while our so-called friend

has trashed every holiday
this year.

But not Christmas.

[cocks g*n]

[rocket f*ring]

[Todd]
You see, robot sl*ve,

I've tried to ruin
Christmas before.

My first attempt
was a giant fog bank,

but a certain mutant reindeer
ruined that plan.

I almost triumphed last year
by incapacitating Claus himself

until you stepped in
and spoiled everything.

Oh, well, we'll just turn
last year's lemons

into this year's rampage
of destruction!

[cackles evilly]

[horn honks]

Yeah, you better run!

Hmm, quiet.

Not a creature is stirring.

Old man Kringle
must be losing his edge.

[popping noises]

[wind whistles]

Sugarplum fairies, fire!

Choking hazards, att*ck!

Baking battalion, flambé!

[splattering]

Cavalry, charge!

squirt

crash

bam!

hiss

[coughing]

Thank goodness
we have elf insurance.

thud

[Santa]
There, I've made my list,
and I've checked it twice.

I've got just enough time
for one more plate of cookies,

then we saddle up
the reindeer...

[recorded voice]
And off I go.

I heard you'd gone over
to the naughty list,

about how you were destroying
all the holidays.

Who turned you against me,
hate miser?

It doesn't matter.

You'll never destroy Christmas!

[f*ring rapidly]

[intense music]

♪ ♪

pow

You'll never get away
with this.

I know when you are sleeping.

I know when you're awake.

[Todd]
Ha, ha, you don't even know
who you're dealing with.

Behold, Santa.

Gaze upon the true face

of the boy
who destroyed Christmas.

Why, you're the Sweeney boy.

You always receive
plenty of toys.

Why do you want to ruin
Christmas?

Toys?
Pha.

Your materialism sickens me,
Claus.

I never got what I wanted,
and now no one will.

[cackles evilly]

I've got a Christmas present
for you:

a long, overdue spanking.

Jenny, you're back to normal.

Well, Santa,
actually, I--

Don't worry,
Santa, old boy.

We'll save...you?

What's going on?
Where's all the butt-kicking?

Well, as I was just explaining.

Sheldon disabled Todd Sweeney's
mind-control device.

I was just faking it until Todd
confessed in front of Santa.

[all cheering]

We never lost faith in you,
Jenny.

Is that a Robot Hurter 5000?

I'm so happy I can take your
name off the naughty list.

Unfortunately, I'll have
to add yours, Todd Sweeney.

What does it matter?

I never get what I want anyway.

And neither will anyone else.

Weren't those
Tremerton's toys?

N-n-no toys?

Aahh!

I might have a way
we can solve this toy shortage

and help Todd learn
the true meaning of Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, boy, a bottle
of hair tonic.

Merry Christmas,
buddy.

A subscription
toNot-so-Popular Mechanics.

Merry Christmas
to my junior co-pilot.

My first piece
of antimatter!

I don't understand.

It's as if
they get more joy

from giving gifts
than from receiving them.

Why don't you
try it out?

[rumbling]

ting!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

[all]
Hooray!

[Brad]
And some say

his heart grew three sizes
that day.

Todd, Todd, honey.

Mother, father,
you're home!

Oh, my baby,
we missed you.

I thought you retired.

No, son, we said we were tired
and needed a longer vacation.

We would have been back sooner,

but we wanted to find you
the perfect gift.

Oh, you guys
are all I want.

Christmas is about family,
not possessions.

You know, son,
you're right.

Hey, are those
my golf clubs?

Sheldon, I have a special
gift for you.

This is for the one person
who never lost faith in me.

[smooching noise]

[creaking]

♪ We're spending Christmas
with Jenny, ♪

♪ and we've never felt so gay. ♪

♪ There's no better way
to celebrate ♪

♪ this holly-jolly day. ♪

♪ The air all smells like
Christmas pudding ♪

♪ and fresh-baked
Christmas bread. ♪

♪ And my brain's
about to burst ♪

♪ with sugarplums
in my head. ♪

♪ Like a plague
of festive vermin, ♪

♪ elves are everywhere
you look: ♪

♪ in the air,
on the sea, ♪

♪ in every blessed
little nook. ♪

♪ Watch Santa
when the turkey's carved-- ♪

Hey, who are you guys
singing to?

And how did you memorize
those lyrics with no practice?

Guys?

♪ I can feel
the season's happiness ♪

♪ within me as it grows. ♪

Come on, snap out of it.
You're creeping me out.

Guys?!

♪ Every other celebration
from now on will be just fine. ♪

♪ There's nothing
that beats Christmas ♪

♪ with good old
XJ9. ♪ ♪