01x01 - Birthday B.S.

[bunniefuu]

[vocalizing]

♪ Solid as a rock ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Solid ♪

I like when you make breakfast, Daddy.

Wait, you said that's how your mom do it.

You believed me? I'm six.

Maya, you too damn cute to lie that good.

Thank you.

- Good morning.
- Hey, baby.

Let me get some coffee in me
and then I'll get breakfast started.

Daddy already made it.

And that's why Mommy's gonna remake it.

Baby, we too broke
to afford insulin sh*ts.

Well, forget the coffee.

I got something hot and Black
waiting for you right now.

- [chuckles]
- What do you want?

Nothing.

Why is it every time I'm nice
you think I want something?

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Bennie Upshaw.

You closing the shop
to go to Vegas Saturday?

Oh, there you go,
you little angry Chia Pet.

Um... So you trying to go
to Vegas this Saturday?

Sure. Kick it with Tony
down at the Golden Nugget.

Aaliyah's birthday party is this Saturday.

That's why I told him no.

Excuse me.

Explain to me again
why you're holding on to that.

Okay, so I've been
thinking about my birthday.

Wouldn't it be cool
if we got a photo booth?

[chuckles] Oh, yeah.

But that's not the budget we working with.

I can take pictures
of your little friends with my phone.

- Nobody wants to pose for a jitterbug.
- Hmm.

Well, I guess nobody wants a present.

- I love you, Auntie Lucretia.
- Aw, that'll get you a card.

Aaliyah, take Maya upstairs
and get ready for school.

So listen, guys, I got
the last RSVP this morning.

Bennie, are we all set for The Lotus Room?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. [chuckles nervously]

You talking about
the massage parlor down by the Costco?

They shut that down.

No, the party space. Downtown?

Oh, yeah, I know about that.

He ain't know sh*t.

Regina, I told you
he's gonna ruin Aaliyah's birthday.

Why you keep acting like he can do things?

Shouldn't you be
somewhere stomping on Tokyo?

[mutters]

Hey, hey, hey. Bennie, this is serious.

[doorbell rings]

This is our little girl's 13th birthday.

And when have I ever let you down? When?

Look, Bennie, it's your baby mama.

Tasha.

[Bennie softly] Tasha...

What's the hell's wrong with you?
You just can't pop up here on Regina.

Remember what happened last time?

Ugh, I never got that bacon grease
out of my good wig, by the way.

Now, I need you to talk to your son.

Damn it! Kelvin! Get out of the mailbox!

That ain't your sh*t!

Good news, Dad.
You may already be a winner.

Your son got suspended.

Mr. Sticky Fingers
done got caught with a teacher's wallet.

A teacher?

Boy, didn't I tell you
teachers ain't got no money?

Look, look. Maybe I found the wallet.

[both] Boy, please.

[sighs] Look, I got clients,
so if you can get him during the day,

I'll get him at night
after I finish this weave.

How long you gonna be?

It shouldn't be too long.

The bitch got a head
the size of golf ball, so...

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye.

[gasps] What the...

I wish I had some blinds on the outside.

Come on, man.
You ain't got no party rooms?

Party closets.

Hello?

- Damn.
- Hey.

- Yeah, The Lotus Room all booked up.
- Oh, man.

You know what's not booked up? Vegas.

Come on, man.
Aaliyah's birthday happen every year.

The rooms at the Golden Nugget
aren't always half price, man.

With a continental breakfast.

Man, I gotta be there for my kids.

My dad was no good, so it made me do
some messed up stuff back in the day.

Back in the day?

n*gro, you did
some ignorant sh*t this morning.

Where you come from?
No one said your name three times.

I want my car. You said
it was gonna be ready two weeks ago.

It ain't like you got to pay for it.

Oh, I'm paying for it dearly.

Never should've fronted
this place with my hard-earned money.

Hard-earned? You fell through a jetway.

I fell hard and I earned it.

You agreed to be a silent partner.
When is the silence gonna start?

You're a mechanic.
When is that sh*t gonna start?

Free man walking. Free man walking.

- Duck, they finally sprung you!
- [chuckles]

Welcome home, player!

Ah!

- Oh, man.
- Look at you.

Damn, Duck, they let you out.

- It's good to see you.
- Yeah.

Do they know you out?

Yeah, it's legit this time.

- Why didn't you let me pick you up?
- You were supposed to pick me up.

Did I say that?

[chuckles] Get out of here, man.
Davis got me.

Yeah, us vets take care of each other.

Well, damn, you couldn't
take your boy to the mall? sh*t.

Come on, man! This is what I was wearing
when I went in. What you want?

I'm surprised that judge didn't give you
more time for wearing that ugly-ass shirt.

[all chuckling]

Bennie, Bennie, Bennie. Man, this all you?

Yeah, this is all me, man.

I haven't forgot what you did for me.

I could've easily been in there with you.

Usually, the getaway driver
shouldn't be the only one getting away.

[both chuckle]

But I'm gonna make it up to you, man.
Whenever you're ready, you got a job here.

Hey, I'm ready to work now.

Whoa, whoa, don't work too hard, now.

Look, me and the fellas at the VFW,
we going all-in for your fresh-out party.

- [Bennie and Tony] Yeah!
- Ah!

- Yeah, we gonna have rum...
- Nothing too crazy, all right?

You know, I'm a changed man.

I found Jesus inside.

- Oh, yeah? That's nice.
- Right...

Hey, Duck! Welcome back.

[chuckles]

Hey, Lucretia, you looking good.

Oh.

Prison just takes everything from you.

No.

These are for your sister's party.

This is t*rture.

You'll live.

Is Bennie here yet?

- No.
- Then let me catch my breath.

[breathing heavily]

Now, you know how much it pains me
to bring you bad news about Bennie...

But, girl, your trifling-ass husband
has hit a new low.

Here, baby.
Go take this into the living room.

Don't get any in your hair.

What did I tell you about
sh*t-talking Bennie in front the kids?

Not to do it. But, girl,
you gotta hear this sh*t.

The only thing I want you to do
right now is help me in this kitchen.

I been helping you all my life.

When Bennie got you pregnant
in high school, Mama said,

"Lucretia, we gotta put our lives
on hold and raise little baby Bernard

while your whore sister
goes off to college."

Mama's words.

Damn, these cupcakes are good.

Hey, hey, hey!

These are for the party on Saturday.

There ain't gonna be a party on Saturday.

Bennie didn't book The Lotus Room.

What? How do you know that?

Because I called, like you should have.

Maybe they made a mistake.

Unless he booked Aaliyah's party
under the Kirshenbaum's bar mitzvah,

these cupcakes aren't going anywhere.

Mazel.

Hey.

When were you going to tell me
you didn't book The Lotus Room?

Damn, baby, give me a chance
to change the subject.

I'm sorry. It was booked.

Ooh, Aaliyah's gonna be
so pissed with you.

- [Regina sighs]
- I'm gonna go wait for her on the porch.

[spluttering] Hey, hey, no.

Bennie is gonna be the one
to tell Aaliyah that he screwed up.

I didn't screw nothing up.
They can have the party right here.

Her and her little friends,
they can sweep,

and play with refrigerator magnets,

and set off all the little mousetraps.

We promised her a party space.

You got one day to find it.

I got this.

Ooh! Cupcakes.

Who are those for?

I will be damned.

I can't believe
every party room is booked.

That's the same problem
Mary and Joseph had.

Joseph forgot to book The Lotus Room, too?

I'm gonna pray for you.

Here.

Hey, there's that friendly
delivery service that I come to love.

Stop ordering things
just to see me, Bennie.

Come on, let's kick it. Let me
take you to the Pacers game, Bernard.

You my son, man. It'll be fun.
What you doing Saturday?

Going to Aaliyah's party.

Damn. I knew I had
something to do Saturday.

Let's hope you do.

I heard you screwed up her party.

- How's everybody know about that?
- We got a family group chat.

I'm not on that.

It's mostly about you.

Oh...

Look, I got a space in my building.
We can have Aaliyah's party there.

Nobody needs your sad, single-man,
meeting room/laundry room.

The laundry room's adjacent.

And we got board games now.

Hey, look, man.
I'm her father. I got this.

Oh, now you want to be a dad.
Where were you when I was growing up?

Growing up, too.

- [billing machine beeps]
- You was born when I was in high school.

Yeah. And if it hadn't been
for your mom pushing me,

I'd have been in the same class with you.

[sighs in exasperation] Man,
sign this so I can go.

Here, give me a hug, man.

- I'm not hugging you.
- Well, I'm not signing that.

Then I guess
you wasn't here when I came by.

Don't you do that, Bernard.
Don't you pull out them slips.

Don't you fill out that top.
Don't you check that box.

This is not the third of three attempts!

Don't you put that
on my door, Bernard. Bernard!

Damn. Now I gotta go down there.
That's my whole afternoon.

Hey, Bennie,
I was praying on it, and it hit me.

Why don't you just
take the VFW hall for Aaliyah's party?

What's wrong with it?
Why you don't want it?

Nothing, but a party with booze and women

would have just
brought me back to my old ways.

Besides, "One who is gracious
to a poor man lends to the Lord."

Oh. Well, which one am I?
The poor man or the Lord?

You know, I'll take it.

I'm just excited for Regina to know
that I got Saturday all set. [chuckles]

You're welcome.

- Kelvin ready?
- Yeah, he's in the back.

[sighs in exasperation] Come on, boy!
I gotta put those fish sticks in the oven.

- So, what time you coming by Saturday?
- For what?

Kelvin's birthday party?

[sighs in exasperation] I told you
last week.

I need you to set up tables.

Kelvin's birthday was three weeks ago.

Yeah, and his birthday party is Saturday.

[sighs] Though I should've cancelled
after that stunt he pulled at school.

Yeah, you should
cancel Kelvin's birthday party.

I know. [scoffs]

But I already
bought a cake, liquor and rib tips.

That sh*t is happening.

There you are. Come on. Let's go.

- Later, Pops. See you Saturday.
- All right, boy.

Damn.

I gotta go now.

I love rib tips.

Yes. [chuckles]

So, uh, here's the place.

Oh, yeah, this is cool.
The kids can just take a knee

right in front
of the flag as they come in. [chuckles]

You want it or not?

No, it's perfect. Yeah.

It's right by Tasha's,
I can just go back and forth.

This is a big place.

Why don't you just ask Regina
if you can't combine the parties?

I don't know what a prison wife does,

but a wife on the street
ain't going for that.

I'll just lie to everybody and just be
a great father to all three of my kids.

You know you got four, right?

Damn, I keep forgetting about Bernard.
That's why he don't like me, huh?

There you go.

Bennie, what the hell?

Please tell me this is
just where we stopped

to ask for directions to Aaliyah's party.

No, this is it.

Then them poles better be for tetherball.

No, when me and Duck came, it was empty.

And it smelled like nothing but old men.
Somebody screwed up.

Show of hands who thinks
"somebody" was Bennie?

Damn it, Bennie,
I asked you to do one thing.

Mommy. Can I go swing on the pole?

Not now. And not to pay for college.

Bennie, you better help me take
all this nasty stuff down, all right?

And sweetheart,
go over there, close your eyes

and then throw the streamers
all over the place.

Somebody help me take down these panties.

What in the Hustlers is...

Wait. You gave me a stripper party?

Your father did, but Mommy
is taking care of it. She's fixing it.

See, Ma, I told you
Bennie'd screw this up.

This party is fire.

What?

It has poles, lit floors
and you got me a photo booth.

Oh, thank God.
That's what that tiny room is for.

My parents are dope. I can't believe it.

I love you, Mom. Love you, Dad.

She likes it?

You're surprised?
You see what these kids are watching.

Cardi B, Nicki Minaj, Ariana Grande.

Never saw the Queen of Soul on a pole.

I can't believe this.

Did you doubt me?

Every day in every way.

You know what this party needs?

A black light?

No, this party needs ice.

Yeah.

I'm gonna run out and grab some.

It's going to take me
about 20, 30... 'Bout an hour and a half.

This is a VFW.
The vets don't have an ice maker?

No, the grinding sound sets off they PTSD.

- [music playing]
- [Tasha] That's all I gotta say about it.

What's up, Tasha?
I'm here. Where's Kelvin?

Hmm. He over there by that table
that you did not help me set up.

Oh, girl, just smile, okay? It's a party.

Happy birthday, son.

Sup? You made it.

Of course I made it. It's your birthday.
Where else would I be? [chuckles]

[chuckles] Oh! Bennie's here? Oh, sh*t.
Let me heat up these dice.

Ah, Jake, my boy. I see you, man.

That's my man.

Your cousin Jake is here?
Now I know this ain't no kids' party.

We got Twister, duh.

Here, cup. Try it.

Damn. But where's
Kelvin's little friends at?

I mean,
there's more adults here than kids.

Uh, Tamika's due.

Any minute that's gonna be a kid.

- Oh, my God...
- Oh... [scoffs]

- That's crazy.
- You thought...

Did you think I'd sit around
and watch kids play

for two hours and they eat cake?

No, this is my Saturday, too. Mmm-hmm.

Well, I'm not saying
you can't have no fun,

but, I mean, over at Aaliyah's party,

they got games and soda...

- [sighs]
- ...and, you know, kids.

You know, for somebody
that don't have no input,

you sure got a lot of output.

You know what? This party needs ice.

I'll be back in about 30, 40...

'Bout an hour and a half, I'll be back.

But we good. Jake bought six bags.

That's too much ice.

I'll take one of the bags to the bums,
'cause they're drinking hot Pepsi.

Bennie, let me
take your money right quick.

Yeah, Pops,
come watch me break these fools off.

Boy, you don't know nothing
about sh**ting dice.

Then come teach me something.

Yeah, I guess I got a minute.

Drop down now.

- [electronic music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]

You see that dad over there judging me?

You sick of Bennie's sh*t yet?

He came through.

No, he got lucky
that these kids are nasty.

You not gonna sit there
and tell me that Magic City Jr.

is what you had in mind
for your daughter's birthday.

And I know your husband having
a baby mama wasn't in your plans either.

- He thought we were on a break.
- What'd you think?

- Show you right.
- Five-one, you all done.

It's good to see Bennie
being Bennie again.

Yeah, you know I ain't gonna never change!

Kelvin, run out and grab me
a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of Crown

and keep the change.

Hold up, n*gga.

How you gonna send my kid
down to the liquor store

to get a bottle of Crown
and some cigarettes?

What's the problem, man?
He go all the time.

All the time? The boy is 13.

Relax. It's my store.
They ain't gonna card him.

Hey, Jake. Since it's my birthday,
can I grab me a tall boy?

You better be talking
about a basketball, buddy.

[chuckles softly] Chill. I'm just playin'.

All right, I got weed brownies on the left
and regular brownies on the right.

sh*t.

Damn. sh*t ain't right.

- [electronic music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]

Hey, Mom. People are mentioning
my birthday party all over Instagram.

Everybody loves my stripper theme. p

"Great party, Alana."

That's almost my name.

- Regina.
- Hey, baby, you've been gone over an hour.

- And where's the ice?
- It melted.

Yeah, climate change is real.

- We need to talk.
- [Davis] Hey.

Whoa... What the hell is this?

Who pulled down my panties?

Davis, what are you doing here?
Duck said he didn't want the party.

Yeah, but we did. And in about 30 minutes,

this place gonna be smelling
like baby oil and booty.

- Ugh, we better just get to the cupcakes.
- We need to talk.

No, we don't have time.
You heard Davis. We're T-minus titties.

- Okay, but listen, it's important now.
- What?

We need to talk about...

Oh, sh*t.

Ooh!

This is nice.

Ah...

What the hell are they doing here?

I don't know. Let me handle it.

[Regina sighs]

What the hell you doing here?

Well, after you ran out of my house,

Kelvin, he got on Instagram,
he saw that this party was lit,

so, okay, yeah, I get it.
Yeah, this is real kid-friendly.

So, you were at Tasha's.

Okay, let me holla at you for a second.

Just... Right... Just go on now.

We're just gonna talk.
Go. Get your ass in...

- I do not believe you.
- [sighs]

Look, baby. Look, they can see
the photos out there. Smile.

[camera beeping]

Lying, sneaking and doing
whatever Bennie wants to do, huh?

And to hell with everybody else.

How you just gonna run out
of your daughter's party?

- [camera beeping]
- And to go to Tasha's?

It was Kelvin's birthday, too,
and I didn't want to miss it.

- And you shouldn't miss it.
- Okay, why are you yelling at me?

Because I'm just finding that out
in a photo booth at a strip club.

[camera beeping]

[upbeat music playing]

So...

- Sup?
- Sup?

Happy birthday, I guess.

Same.

What was your party like?

Oh, pretty much this.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

What you think she'll do to him in there?

Better back up your truck
in case we have to move a body.

We better get our stories straight.

We'll say that little fat kid did it.

Why couldn't you just tell me?

[groans] 'Cause I know
how you feel about Kelvin.

I don't have a problem with Kelvin.

I don't even have a problem with Tasha.

[scoffs]

Okay, I got a little problem with Tasha.

All right, she a trashy bitch.

See, that's why I didn't tell you,

so we wouldn't have this right here.
I was looking out for you.

We having this right here
because you looking out for Bennie.

[scoffs]

- When you gonna be straight with me?
- Fine. I'll be straight with you.

I'm trying to step my daddy game up.

Kelvin is sh**ting dice,

trying to drink beer,
getting suspended from school.

Hmm.

Apple... tree.

I know. I'm trying to fix that.

But I really need my wife
to support me on that.

What are you asking?

Can Kelvin come over
once a week and eat dinner?

Okay. I can do that.

But you,

not under any circumstances
ever are you to take our kids to Tasha's.

Tasha's not that bad.

[Tasha] Ooh! I still got it, b*tches.

Whoo-hoo!

Okay, that's fair.

First of all, I want you to know
how important you both are to me.

I love you. That's why I try
to be in two places at one time.

And not because you trifling.

You need to stop listening
to your Aunt Lucretia, okay?

She's a demon spawn. All right?

But being a good dad
means being one to all my kids.

Even Bernard.

I am right here.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Aaliyah ♪

♪ And... ♪

♪ And... ♪

♪ Kelvin ♪

♪ Happy birthday to y'all ♪

Oh, here come the girls.
Eat them cupcakes in the parking lot.

Let's go! Get them cupcakes
and get 'em up out of here.

You ain't got to go home,
but you got to get up out of here.

- I'mma stay and help clean up, babe.
- What you gonna do?

- Stay and help.
- What you gonna do?

Go to the house and clean up everything.

[theme music playing]