02x09 - Trouble Is Bad

[bunniefuu]

-

[4w]

[ding]

[4w]

No! No!



Help! Get off! Get off!

No! No! No...

[electricity surging]

[bulbs shattering]



[Suzi Boreton cackles wickedly]

[Suzi]: Thank you, Dirk Gently.

I am so grateful to you.

If you weren't such an incredible moron,

this might have been challenging for me.

To think The Mage was scared of you.

He was?

You're nothing but small people,

just more small people standing in my way.

Not today.





and for once,



'cause--
[shrieking]

The Trosts are headed to att*ck.

Silas, your mother needs you.

You get to her, and
you stop this madness!

But the prophecy, The Boy!

There is no time!

We'll fulfill the prophecy, Silas.

Go to your family.

Stop the fight before it's too late.

[fanfare plays]
[incoherent warning]

Uh... Bad stuff!

Boxheads! They're coming!

Go, everyone!

We need the pool.

I know another way.

Let's go!

Boys!

Go!

I won't leave you to die, Wygar.

Go!
[muffled spell]

Wygar!

Run, boy!

[Wygar calling] Go!

Save your family!

No,no,no”.

Keep moving!

[Suzi]: You silly man.

Go on, get up!

Who do you think you're dealing with?

You think you can shut me up?

No!

Nobody tells me what to do!

Not anymore!

Hoanng]

Avaratos!

[Wygar's screams echoing]

[screaming]

Come on!

Okay!

[groaning in pain]

[bones crunching]

[groaning in pain]

[Wygar's screams echo]

[fanfare plays]

Oh, yes, my queen.

Our armies are entering the Valley

at this very moment.

We stand at the ready.

Shall we pursue them?

The ones that got away?

No.

Forget about them.

They’ve got no magic, no pool,

they'll never get to The Boy.

They’re just little flies,

buzzing around my head.

I'll have fun with them later.

Have the last of the families k*lled.

I'm sick of them.

Of course, my queen.

This is my world now.

I'm going to fix everything.

All righty. This is our target.

Remember, stay calm.

Project Lamia isn't normally violent,

but she is dangerous if provoked.

Do not take action unless ordered.

It's... gone, man!

The-the-the...

thingie is gone, man!

Stay calm!

That's not calm.

Where are you?

Calm. Okay?

We don't even know
that she's in this room.

Yeah, but we don't know
that she's, like,

not in this room either, right?

Like, she could've already
morphed into something!

[g*nf*re]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Look, for all we know,

Mona Wilder is just a couple of molecules

that can modify the matter around her.

I don't understand that!

You're not going to be able to sh**t her,

so just--

Wait!

What if she's already, like,
transformed into somebody?

What if she's already loose
in the facility?

Whoa!

It's you, isn't it?

She's you.

Or wait, no, you're Mona.

You're Mona,
and you don't even know.

No. No! I'm Ken!

I need to sh**t you to be sure.

Why would that help?

I don't know.
It's a thought I had, so I have to do it!

But you just-- Wait, wait!

[whispering]
Your g*n...

Huh?

Your g*n

is still in the holster.

Huh?

Oh, sh*t.

Uh...

[choking]

Stand... stand down!

Stand down, stand-stand down...

Stand... stand down...

Hi, Mona.

l'm Ken.

We haven't met yet,

but I'm here to help.

I think there's been a big
misunderstanding, Mona.

Now, no one wants to hurt you.

No, no.

I know that you helped Dirk escape

because he was... he was your friend.

[Ken]: Well, I want to be your friend too.

Look, I think Dirk is in trouble,

but we can't do anything
without your help.

Can you help us, Mona?

You don't want to hurt anyone...

Right?

[gasping for air]

Hello?

Hi.

[groaning]

Tina?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

It's not bleeding.

It just burns.

Now, where'd he go?

He's back down by the car.

And...

Oh, my God...

Hey, Hobbs!

Shh!

What are you--

Stop it! It won't work.

He's...

He's enchanted, like Bob Boreton.

What do we do?

We have to go down there and get him.

"Get him"?

Look, whatever he's doing,
it's not good.

And I am not losing two fights

in one year.

We need a plan.

A plan.

Right.

Yes.

Let's arrest that son of a bitch.

Yeah.

[wincing]

Ow.

Okay.

We're both gonna die.

All right, boys and girls,
this is a special situation.

Everybody just relax, follow my lead.

Priest to Command.

Yoo-hoo.

Hello, high Command.

Anybody home?

Priest, this is Command.

Hold on, now.

Is that my friend Ken?

Yes, it is, Mr. Priest.

Well, isn't that music to my ears?

Aren't you the one who survived alone
with Project Marzanna?

That's me. Why?

Well...

I am in need of your expertise
at the moment.

[chuckles]

Ho boy.

Who are these men?

Are they warriors?

It's Blackwing.

This could get ugly.

They're gonna want me
to come with them.

If you don't want to go,

then I shan't let them take you.

Panto, you don't
know these guys.

I mean, they're dangerous,
they hurt people.

I appreciate your concern, Bartine,

but I am the greatest swordsman
in all of Wendimoor.

I suspect I'll be all right.

Yeah, okay.

[Priest]: g*ns down, everybody.

Clips on the ground.

We are not risking
a chain reaction here.

Your weapons will not be useful.

They'll just give her a reason to k*ll us all.

Let's avoid that.

[chuckling warmly]
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

How you doin', Bart?

[Bart]: Hi, Mr. Priest.

Uh...

You don't feel like
k*lling anybody right now,

right?

No, not really.

We just wanna go to Wendimoor
for the big happy ending.

Okay. Sure. Who's your buddy?

Verily, I am a normal man,

from this world,

much like yourself.

Okay.

Priest, we're gonna
wanna go into the house.

Are you gonna try to stop us?

No, ma'am. I can't make you
do anything you don't want to do,

I know that. But...

there is somebody...

who wants to say hi.

Oh, my God, Bart!

Ken! Hi!

[gasping in delight]

Oh, my God.
There you are!

Hey, you're on some kind of little... square?

How did you get in there?

Hey, are you on TV?

No, Bart, I'm at Blackwing.

I'm okay, it's just a video.

Hey, I'm sorry I left you.

There was all this sh**ting.

ljust, I didn't want you to get hurt.

That's all okay now.

They're taking good care of me.

Hey, how do | get you out of there?

Well, okay, that's the thing, Bart,

you don't have to.

I don't?

No.

But what you could do is come in,

backin.

What?

Why?

Blackwing is terrible.

I mean, it's the most boring place
I've ever been to in my whole life.

No, it's different now.

I'm here--

Yeah, but I'm different too.

Hey, I don't even
k*ll anybody anymore.

You just dropped a chainsaw.

Oh, no, |-| just like it.

Well, bring it with you, then.

I've missed you, Bart.

Hey, you should come with us!

You should come to Wendimoor!

[Ken]: I can't do that.

Come and see me, Bart.

I'm your friend.

You have to trust me.

Yeah...

Yeah, but Panto is my friend too.

This is Panto.

[Priest]: You should listen to Ken.
He's only trying to help you.

So am I.

We have been through
a lot together, huh?

Why don’t you come back in?

Look, we can even stop
and get some ice cream,

just like old times.

See, Bart, I'm your friend too.

No, I don't think you are.

Panto, come on.

Bart...

Come on.

Hey, Ken, I'm really sorry,

but I'm gonna go. 'Kay, bye.

[Ken]: Bart...

No, no, no, hey, hey,

whoa, whoa, whoa, Bart.

hold on a minute.

Unhand the lady.

Right.

Right you are.

On the list of things
I'm not doing today, Priest,

going back to Blackwing
is near the top.

Think it over.

[Panto]: She said she doesn't want to go.

There's no more left to discuss.

Now, stand aside.

[electricity crackles]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

Stand down! Hold on!

[cheering]

Stand down!

What is it?

What's happening?

Stand down!

Wow!

[Bart]: We don't wanna k*ll any more people.

We just wanna go to Wendimoor
for the happily ever after.

I'm not going to let that happen, Bart.

Panto?

[Bart laughs]

sh*t.
Everybody stand down!

[laughing]

Hey!

Are you sure you don't wanna
come to Wendimoor?

Bart, listen to me!

Okay, well, listen, Ken,

you let me know
if you change your mind, okay?

[Ken]: Bart!

Wait! Stop!

Come on.

Sorry about the mess.

[Ken calling]
Bart, wait! Bart! Stop! Wait!

'Sway!
Ome'lgo, wayfumtebadduns!

Wait, so the pool in the throne room
leads to the bed?

Possibly. The bed led to the pool.

[Gripps]: Drummer pulled us through a pool.

[Vogel]: I got a lake.

Shouldn't the pool in the throne room
work the same way as Wakti's?

Absolutely.

And by that I mean,
possibly, sure. Maybe?

We have no way of knowing that.

[Todd]: How'd that truck get through?

Same pool?

We really have no idea
how any of this works.

You gonna pull that guy you need
through a pool?

[Martin]: Drummer's got the power.

Wait, wait a second, Amanda,
you know how to do this?

You said you needed Wakti's help.

Well, l have to try.

Dirk, do l have to reach through the pool
to find The Boy in Blackwing?

Because I don ’t know where he is in there.

Okay, then let's do this,

if you can get me and the Rowdy 3 in,

we'll be like a super action-boy strike team.

Jailbreak.

Look, let's just take a b*at here--

-There's no time!
-We can't, dude!

You want to portal into
Blackwing to get The Boy?

Suzie Boreton is here
destroying everything.

There's an army coming!

-Yeah, that actually was kinda a lot of guys.
-Shitloads bigtime.

There's 11,000 dudes.
I counted real quick.

This is crazy!

I know I said
we needed to take control,

but what if the universe
is not on our side this time?

-Aw...
-We need a real plan.

Did we really come all this way
just so we could all get——

[screams]
Ah! God!

[Dirk]: Todd?

[groaning in pain]

Is he...?

Are you having an att*ck?

[wincing]
Yeah.

M--My pills!

-Late lunch, gentlemen?
-Mm-hmm.

No, hold up.

Don't help him.

-What?!
-Todd, listen.

Remember how I said
pararibulitus works differently here?

[groaning]
Well, it feels the same.

I know, butjust listen to me.

You can b*at this.
You can use the energy.

Turn what's hurting you--

Barbed wire on my leg.

[groaning in pain]

Right.

Barbed wire.
You can make the barbed wire real.

You can pull it off your leg,
and it won't hurt you.

You just have to listen to me.

[gasping in pain]

[Amanda]: Don't panic.

It's your wire, it belongs to you,

it's your pain.

I need my pills.

Hey, look at me!

The energy is yours,

the fear is yours,

the barbed wire is yours,
so control them.

Separate yourself
from the physical space.

You own this. You control this.

Ooh, damn...

God, Todd, you've got
barbed wire on your leg!

You can see it?

Nicely done.

Holy sh*t.

Hello... Mona.

My name's Supervisor Friedkin.

[gently]
How's your neck?

It's... bad, actually.

You really hurt me.

I'm sorry.

You were scaring me.

Just like those men
are scaring me now.

Well, they need
to be here right now,

in case you, like,

turn into a bear or something.

Why would I turn into a silly little bear?

If I wanted to k*ll you,

I'd just turn into
an aircraft carrier right now,

and this entire place
would be destroyed.

Please don't do that.

[door opens]

Hi, Mona!

[clearing throat]
Chair, please.

-[whispering] Get up.
-Sure.

[Mona]: Can I see Dirk?

Not right now.
He's in some trouble.

Oh no.

Trouble is bad.

Yes, it is.
But you can help.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I'm just an actress.

I'm a holistic actress.

I can play any role.

Why were you the toy?

[sighs sadly]

I can be anything.

A boat,

or a house,

or a shovel,

or a cloud,

or an old Pakistani man,

or the Queen of England,

or a kangaroo...

but I don't know
what I am supposed to be.

Why did you send Dirk away?

I didn't do that.

I just told him what the voice said.

The...

The... the voice?

One day

there was a voice.

Afunny little snail voice.

What did this voice say?

She said

she needed Dirk
to help find her friend,

a boy.

She said ifl let her use my eyes,

she could put people
where they needed to be.

So she saw what you saw.

Yes.

Does that help? Did I help Dirk?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Very much.

Only for a little while longer,

if you don't mind.

Okay.

I guess that's all nice.

[clearing throat] Uh...

Thank you, Mona.

You're a great friend.

Panto!

Look at that moon!

Have you seen this moon?

Yes, Bart, that's quite
a normal moon to me.

Oh, buddy,

I'm starting to think
you're a little weird, you know that?

Imagine how I felt
in your strange world,

with your dumb little moon
looking all tiny.

Yeah, I guess the moon
is pretty stupid,

now that I think about it.



Hey, Panto?

I wanna go this way.
Can we go this way?

But Bart, my home is this way.

Please, I beg of you, let's just--

[branches crackling, someone coughs]

Panto?

Silas!

My love!

You've returned.

And I've found Dirk Gently.

I found Dirk Gently.

Is he here?

Yes.

Yes, but so is The Mage's apprentice.

She's taken control of his men.

Wow, that's bad.

Hello?

Hi.

You're Silas, right?

I heard about you.
Your mom's an assh*le.

Silas, this is Bartine,

an exquisite creature
and a wonderful friend.

Delighted to meet you,

but we must hurry to my mother
and beg her to lay down her arms.

Things have gotten worse,

worse than you can ever imagine.

[Bart]: Hey, that's the way
I wanted to go in the first place.

[Suzi laughs]

[laughing]

[gasping with effort]

I found The Boy.

[cackles]

Those idiots told me
exactly where he was.

Wendimoor is mine,

except for one tiny little thread.

You will travel to my world

and cut it!

How will we find The Boy?

Shouldn't be too hard.

Just go through here,

and k*ll everyone you see!

[maniacal laughter]

[shower rattling]

[whimpering]

Ken, hey, I think I'm a little--

I'm confused. What's going on?

Project Moloch is a reality editor, all right?

He can create things,
completely new things,

from nothing but his mind, all right?

Like the crazy funhouse hidden inside
the Cardenas farm in Bergsberg.

The file said that he had plans
on building a much bigger world than that,

called Wendimoor,

like a fairytale land.

I'm guessing
he actually pulled it off,

and that's what put him in the coma.

You with me?

Yes.

[Ken}: When he had
his stroke two months ago,

it must have caused some kind
of thinning between worlds,

and an entity from the other side,
this "voice,"

poked through and found Mona.

But wait, why are they looking for Dirk?

To help them somehow.

What matters now is that
we lock down this entire facility before--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, um...

you keep acting
like you're in charge now.

We don't have time for this.

No, I just want to make sure
that you understand

that you are helping me.

I'm in charge.

Hugo, you gave me
the same clearance as you.

We are equals within this program.

You can't take that away from me now.

I didn't mean to do that.

Wait! Look! Listen!

We have to take control
of this situation,

or this whole operation
is going to be compromised!

Wait, that's...

[barking]

...my dog.

[klaxons start wailing]

Knights are coming!

Knights are coming!

Secure Project Moloch!

Now!

Move! Move! Move!

This way! Let's go!

[scissors snip]

Bergsberg Sheriff's Department!
Put your hands up!

Golly gee, well done!

You got down here in...

record time, really, I can't believe it.

[fi res]

You think I didn't know you were there?

[mocking]
Oh no, it's the police!

Sneaking up on me...

Oh, ladies,

that's an incredibly
foolhardy attempt at a...

what, an ambush?

That’s hilarious.

Well, I guess you needed
some sort of plan, but this...?

Well, you were always a disappointment,
weren't you, Farah Black?

You don't scare me!

If only your father could see you now.

He ’d hardly be surprised, would he?

Family full of heroes.

Someone had
to drop the ball eventually.

I suppose he always knew
it would be you.

Drop the wand!

Don't be absurd.

Do you want to see something funny?

[cocking g*ns]

Those little pokes with my needle
appear to have put you

into a rather
negative state of mind, ladies.

What do we do,
what do we do, what do we do?

Shh... Shh.

Now, I could just have you
k*ll each other right now,

OI"...

we could try something
with a little more mischief.

[gasping]

Hobbs!

Hobbs, it's me! It's Tina!

Stay calm--

[Tina]: What are you making him do?

[The Mage]: Well, he's helping me
with a little project.

You see, we're going
to take this car,

fill it full of expl*sives,
and then Mr. Hobbs is going to

drive it into that silly old house
with the gateway to Wendimoor.

And pwoosh!

Blow it to bits.

Lots of burny little bits,
house, barn, all of it.

No more road to that cursed land,

and a fresh new start for me.

Mr. Hobbs!

Take out your g*n and aim it at them.

Sherlock, don't!
What are you doing?

Hobbs? Listen to me,

we're your friends.

Now, this is the kind of game I really enjoy!

l was never meant to be a conqueror,

taking over the world.

I much prefer to hurt people in person,

not send an army in
to burn down a village.

Where's the fun in that?

Hobbs...

[The Mage]: It's so...

impersonal.

it's fun-tastic!

[laughing]

sh**t them, Hobbs.

[groans] Ah!

[exchanging g*nf*re]

No,no,no,non

[groaning in pain]

[magazine falls]

[clicking]

[laughing]

Oh, God... Farah, I'm sorry!

[f*ring]

No one in Wendimoor can defeat me!

You're not in Wendimoor!

[roaring with effort]

[groaning]

Ow!

What the heck happened?

Father, stop!

My God,
what's happened here?

Mother!

Father...

Silas!

Panto...

you're alive.

What have you done, Father?

What has become
of our beloved homeland?

We are doomed, my boy.

Even after all this death,

we can still save
the Valley of Inglenook.

Please, Father, Lady Frija,
we must salvage something.

Silas, how...?

Mother...

I'm in love with him.

Huh.

Is it true?

It is, Father.

If there is to be any hope
for a future in this land,

you must wake up and stop this.

Please.

We cannot bear more destruction.

So many have d*ed...

Their sacrifice
does not have to be in vain.

We can honor them yet

if we work together
to save Inglenook.

You see?

Everything is gonna work out great.

[Knights]: Ha ha! They all k*lled each other!

There's no one left for us to k*ll!

[laughing]

But--

Silas!

[g*nf*re blasting]

Panto?

Panto... Panto?

[g*nf*re blasting]

[chainsaw roars to life]

[revving engine]

[Beast]: Odere! Odere!

Dere!

Okay...

Okay.

[Vogel]: You got this, boss?

Sure. Yeah.

Why not? Yeah, mm-hmm.

Sure.

What do you want us to do?

Just step back.

[shouting in pain]

[screaming]

Wow...

She can really do that.

Yes, she can.

[gasping in pain]

That was incredible.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, ljust... I can't keep it open.

Wh... wh... what do you need?

It's too much by myself.

I haven't done it without Wakti.

I needed more time with her.

I could maybe get you there, Dirk,
like, one way?

But then you'd be stuck,

and I don't know
if I could get you back.

That seems... not great.

[sighs nervously]

Bah sheps comfur...

-Y-you guys?
-Ledee!Ledee!

Wait, Todd!

You can help me.

What? No, I can't do that.

I'm not like you.

No, you're not. But...

you can maybe use your energy,

and it would help me
keep the portal open?

You just have to try.

Guys, rainbow monster's trying to tell us
something bad's coming!

[Suzi's evil laughter echoes]

Bad sheps ledee!

Suzi.

Okay, yes, just--

whatever you say, just...

I'll do it, I'm in.

We'll slow that witch down.

-Boys?
-I got nothin' but rocks in here!

Nobody makes me scared of laughter!

Wait!

Dirk and I need the Rowdy 3
to come through with us.

You can't help me keep the portal open
and go through.

sh*t, but then--

It's... it's all right.

I'll do it alone.

You seriously want
to go back to Blackwing by yourself?

"Want" may be
a strong word, Todd, but--

[Suzi]: Where are you going,
Dirk Gently?

"Want" truly is a strong word,

and yet no other more
perspicuous appellations

are currently traveling to my mind
with any degree of alacrity

to allow me to concisely articulate--

Dirk, stop with the... words.

Don't spin out. You can do this.

Okay.

There's a lotta weird in here!

So, I'm gonna have an att*ck?

Yeah.

Probably a bad, slow one?

Yup.

Perfect. I'm in.

Just... tell me what to do.

Keep your hands in, no matter what.

Dirk?

Are you ready?

Yes.

I can do this.

[screaming in pain]

[distant screams]

[Suzi's evil laughter echoes]

[Suzi laughs]



[Suzi laughs]

[laughter echoes]

[Amanda screams]

[screaming in pain]

[screaming]

Don't panic.