01x01 - Meet the Evans of New

[bunniefuu]

♪ Head above water
I'm making a way ♪

♪ It's the first of the month
And the bills ain't paid ♪

♪ I'm saying
Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Keep my family close
Pick me up when I'm low ♪

♪ Help me down on this road
And I'mma bring us back home again ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times
Yeah ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ And today I'mma get out my way, Momma ♪

♪ They try to spray
But the spirit kept me safe, Momma ♪

♪ Again
Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Yeah
Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Hustling to survive
I'm just doing my job ♪

♪ Feds be blocking my shine
But the sun always rises here ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times
Yeah ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[Reggie humming]

♪ Scratchin' and survivin' ♪

♪ Good time ♪

♪ Hangin' and jiving ♪

♪ Good time ♪

[both] ♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

- ♪ Oh, good times ♪
- ♪ Good times ♪

- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

[Reggie gasping]

Sounds like you woke up
on the right side of the projects today.

Well after last night, how could I not?

You put it down, baby.

You keep that up,
and I'm gonna want it every night.

Spam and onions for dinner every night?

You'll either get bored
or have a heart att*ck.

Either way, I lose you.

Now, hurry. Breakfast will be ready soon.

It's leftover spam and onions.

Ooh., you thirst queen, you.

You had me at leftover.
Got me in the belly and the wallet.

[Reggie mumbling] Whoo.

[Beverly gasping]

Junior!

Oh, sh**t.
Sounds like my mama's coming home.

We gotta hurry up and finish, Tiffany.

Not again!

I just changed these sheets.
Now, come on, baby. Get up.

Morning, Mama!

Junior, what is this?

[hip hop music playing]

I asked you to paint
the wall in the hallway!

What do you mean? I did.

I meant cover up the scuffs
for the beautification contest today.

Not use it as your personal canvas.

Well, what can I say? I was inspired.

I thought you'd like it. It's Black Jesus.

I already have my Jesus I call on
when I need help.

Oh.

It's not your fault your prayers
aren't being answered, Ma.

It's the boot of the patriarchy
on our neck that's keeping us down.

Besides, the contest is just
Delphine's way of getting us

to clean up this dump of a building

when that should be
her job as building president.

Don't fall for it.

Grey, what have I told you
about protesting before breakfast?

Spam is not breakfast.

It's a pink, r*cist meat
designed in a lab by a pink r*cist.

Grey, honey, I don't have time for this.

I need to win
this beautification contest today.

We can change the world tomorrow.

Now rub some crumbs around your mouth,

so when the judges come to our apartment,
they'll think I fed you.

Ah, if you really wanna win, Ma,

you should throw a collar around her neck
and call her a rescue. [laughing]

[laughs sarcastically] The way you keep
repeating the tenth grade,

they say we should've
put you down years ago.

Both of you, stop it!

Your father's in a good mood,
and the judges may stop by,

so I wanna keep it that way.

I don't think he's been this happy
since Janet Jackson's nip slip.

Whoo.
What the hell is going on in this house?

- There goes his good mood.
- And my childhood.

I was taking a shower, and the water
went from hot to what-the-frio.

[man] I hope you got
all the spots, player.

I'll be back after you pay that heat bill.

Oh, great.

How we gonna win the contest
when it's cold enough to hang meat here?

Well, if Delphine's judging,
she'll love it.

The woman's built like a side of beef.
But have no fear. I have a secret stash.

[mumbles] Okay, have fear.
Have lots of fear.

What happened to my secret stash?

Well, there was a secret sale
on pillows and candles and light fixtures.

It's supposed to be for emergencies!

This contest is an emergency.

I'm tired of being
the only Evans family that never won,

and first place is not going to the family
with the Henry's Chicken bucket

as a lampshade.

Oh. All of a sudden we too good
to read by the extra crispy light?

Yes, Reggie.
On your grandmother's deathbed,

I promised I'd return
this title to the Evans name,

and that's what I intend to do.

Besides, the prize this year
is a month rent-free

and two weeks without roaches.

Oh-oh. Maybe Dalvin
could get the heat turned back.

That way Mom could keep a lampshade,

and Dad's sudsy bits
can go back to normal.

Oh, hell no. There's a reason I kicked
your no-good brother out of the house.

[hip hop music playing]

[entrance bell ringing]

[car engine revving]

[murmuring]

Hmm. Man, my mouth's ready
for some milk right now.

Somebody head to the store.

Hey, partner.
You gotta give this corner up.

Wait a minute.
Da Baby? Lil Baby? And "Baby" Baby?

Man, crawl in line, fool.
I'm running this sh*t.

Let me get into it.

It's too many babies around this crib,
so you gotta clear it out.

Man, ain't y'all, like, rich rappers?

Street cred's where the money at,
you feel me?

Deal dr*gs, get arrested,
then drop the album, like that.

Make the algorithm go crazy,
bro, you know?

Hey, give up the corner now!

Nah, ******. I ain't giving up sh*t.

Then we gonna let these here choppers
talk to you. How about that?

[caterwauling]

[yelling] Mama!

That boy is your son. Don't you forget it.

Not as long as he's selling.

You choose to look the other way, Bev,
but not me. I don't need that dirty money.

Look, I drive a cab,
and as soon as my legs thaw out,

I'm gonna get that money
so I can help you win the right way.

[soft hip hop music playing]

Okay, here's your stop.

What the hell is a $24 bill?

Damn it! He got me.

All righty, and here you go.

Sobriety chips.

Well, two months, huh? Congratulations!

Damn it!

And here we are.

Here, keep the change.
I had a good day in the market.

Bitcoin?

You Metaverse ****** k*ll me.

How do you expect me to pay my heat bill
with five bits of a coin?

[shrieking]

[piano music playing]

Well, well, well. Look who decided
to grace us with her presence.

Mrs. "I'm-Better-Than-Everybody
in-the-Projects" Beverly Evans.

What did you come here
to complain about today?

Complain? Oh, everything's fine.

Matter of fact,
you're doing an excellent job.

That's new coming from you.

Oh, I just came to sign up.

You know, I'm dedicated
to finally winning this contest

and returning the Evans family legacy
to its previous glory.

Great. Where are they?

- Who?
- Your presents.

Don't tell me you had the audacity
to come empty-handed.

Clearly, you like losing.

Oh, no, no. Believe me, Delphine.
Nobody wants to win more than me.

I spared no expense this year.

Fresh paint, new furnishings.

Even cleaned
between the stove and the fridge.

You know, if you remember,
that's how I lost last time.

Well, that certainly sounds
like the winning formula.

Thank you.

But this year,
we decided to expand the criteria

to include a more holistic approach.

Y'all hear that, hoes?
We got a sh*t to win.

Not that kind of HOE-listic.

So, along with a well-decorated unit,

we'll be taking into account
your family unit.

And so that we're clear,

your perfect little family
ain't so perfect these days.

Having a drug-dealing baby who lives
on the street is an a*t*matic deduction.

Well, uh, I'll have you know
that my baby has turned his life around

and is, uh, back at home.

Uh-huh. We are one big, beautiful family

living under
the same freshly painted roof.

[snickering]
I look forward to seeing that.

Name the time.

Six p.m. Sharp.

I'll be there with my entire family.

Jesus himself
couldn't help her win this trophy.

Don't be so sure about that.

[heavenly tone]

[hip hop music playing]

Worth a sh*t.

Dear Black Heavenly Father.

Uh, Brown Creator. [chuckling]

Colored Redeemer. Uh.

African Alpha and Our Omega.

Ooh, this feels good.

Oh no. Not whitey.

The true Almighty.
Head of the church and my life! Yes, Lord!

Son, it's for you.

New phone. Who dis?

You said, "A closed mouth don't get fed."

So, uh, I know you heard
that itty-bitty lie about Dalvin.

And okay, okay, maybe he hasn't changed.

But if you could
just help his heart, Lord.

I promise you I'll get him baptized
and deliver right back to you.

I'm not trying to tell you
how to bless me, but you know.

"Closed mouths don't get fed"
is basically a Black scripture, right?

Anyway, do what you do.
I'll be looking for a sign. Amen.

Mama?

Dalvin?

Oh, I guess colored-people time
is only an Earth thing.

Really, Jesus?

I swear to my Father
I had nothing to do with this.

Um-hmm.

Oh, I should've known you were nearby
the moment I started lactating.

Damn, I just ate.

What up, little bro?

Hey, Dalvin.

Oh, g*dd*mn, Grey.

Why is your breath so violent?
Smell like I need my diaper changed.

She's on another one
of her stupid protest.

This time, it's a hunger strike.
Hopefully next is a breathing strike.

[Junior laughs]

It's freezing in here.
The heat off again, huh?

Yes, but your father is at work,
so it'll be back on soon.

- Wait.
- Don't worry.

- I'll tell him the reason you're here.
- You will?

That's right. Because I prayed to the Lord
for your safe return.

Oh. Oh yeah. Yeah, Jesus. Yes, Jesus, yes!

- Won't He do it!
- Won't He do it!

Aha, yes, He will!
So, when do you want to get baptized?

Baptized?
Eh, I don't really know about that one.

'Cause your boy's more spiritual
than I am religious...

[hip hop music playing]

I love the Lord!

Like Jesus, I thank you.

Beverly, I didn't make the money, but...
What's he doing here?

I heard you can use some help
on the heat bill.

Well, you heard wrong.
We don't aid and abet around here.

Baby, I love you,
but Black Jesus ordained this win.

We only have till six,
and he's a punctual one.

Let me find out you slipped my wife
some of that baby powder.

We gonna have a problem.

Ah, look, man.
I know we don't usually see eye to eye.

Mostly 'cause you're senile,
and you're a hater,

and your belly stop you
from bending down this far.

But that's neither here nor there, man.
I realize how important family really is.

So, I'm changing my ways.

I wanna know
how I could better serve my family.

He even promised to get baptized.

I'll believe that when I see it.

Now Beverly, I promised you
I was gonna help you win,

and that's what I'm gonna do.

Junior, you coming with me.

I'm gonna show you
how a man takes care of his family

in a respectable way.

[lounge music playing]

Are my cataracts acting up,
or is that Reggie Evans slidin' in here

knowing he owe me $20?

Let me call my ex-wife and tell her

she's about to get her child support
this month, compliments of Reggie.

Child support? The only ******
paying the bill tonight is me.

I even brought my good luck charm with me.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh yeah, my son's here too.
But feast your eyes on this.

[magical tone]

You brought Great-Grandpa's pool stick?

James Evans was the greatest pool player
in all of Chicago.

The man's nuts were two eight balls.

[Jim] I mean, so the legend goes.

You keep my granddaddy's balls
out your mouth.

Now, let's do this.

Oh, hello, Delphine.

Just on our way
to get my youngest baptized.

Ah-ha. That makes all five of us
perfect in the eyes of the Lord.

Oh, sh**t.

You know what? I thought I had some,

but it appears
I'm all out of fucks to give.

Okay, you up next.
You can have a seat over there.

Uh-uh, Hi-Low. You know
we don't use acrylic on her.

She needs gel on them fingers.

Okay, ready?

[soft music playing]

Lisa, you have a second?

Of course. You know
I'll drop everything for my bestie.

- Can you help me with Miss Guillory?
- Ah, Mrs. Guillory! I haven't seen you...

She dead, Bev. I'm hosting her wake later.

She DJ'd back in the day.
That's how she wanted to be remembered.

[Lisa] Um-hmm.

- [Beverly] Oh my.
- Damn.

Bev, pass me that Göt2b glue g*n.
Now, what's up, girl?

I need to get my baby baptized.

Girl, I'm booked solid.
Besides, he needs more than Jesus.

He needs the Arch Angels,
TD Jakes, and Creflo Dollar, sh*t.

I made a deal with Black Jesus

that if Dalvin came back home,
I'd do this.

So, will you help me?

Black Jesus? Well, sh*t,
you should have led with that, Bev.

But, girl, your baby just did
a key bump of formula,

so no guarantees
on what type of Holy Spirit takes over.

Join me in bringing attention
to the chemicals in our food.

They are selling us poison
and passing it off as food.

Processed is...

Is that cornbread?

[shuddering]
Processed is not progress, my sister.

Hmm, but it may be full of flavor.

But your heart is in danger.
Stand with me!

f*ck this.
I'm hungry, let's go to the dog park.

Hey, what about the struggle?

That'll be there tomorrow.

[lounge music playing]

Ha-ha.

Dad, I went over there
and started playing pool stickball,

and I won!

Look at all this!

Boy, we need to turn the heat back on.
That ain't even enough to park on Sunday.

Junior, we got money
for the heat and then some.

I stay here any longer
I can afford to leave your mama.

Dad? You wanna leave Mom?

No, son. I was just sh*t-talking.
It's a pool hall!

That's what men do
when they're by themselves

and they can't get into trouble.

Besides, this isn't nearly enough money
to leave your mama.

Hmm. Sounds like you full of sh*t!

Just like James Evans.

Heard you know him.

Hey. That's my grandfather.

Well, that son of a bitch
b*at my grandpappy for his last $72.

It was all the money he had.

My grandmother left him after that.

James Evans is the reason
I come from a broken family.

Sounds like hand-eye coordination
is the real reason.

But what are you gonna do?

b*at you, so I can avenge my grandpappy.

Next time.
This money is to pay some bills.

Your granddaddy wouldn't give
my grandpappy a rematch either.

I guess being a coward
runs in your family.

Did you just call me the C-word?

Um-hmm.

Well, I'm gonna make you eat that C-word.

Welcome, y'all,
and to those who are here for the wake,

we'll get to Mrs. Guillory shortly.

But first, we have a special event.

The baptism of young Dalvin Evans.

That's right, we going full
sunrise-sunset up in here today.

Oh, Lord! Hallelujah!

Now, now, now, hold up.

I... I... I know a lot of y'all
thought this day would never come.

- Facts!
- sh*t, big facts!

You dunk him in that holy water,
it'll probably start bubbling.

[all laughing]

Hey! Hey, I get it. He's a drug dealer,

but there's a really sweet baby
underneath. My baby.

[woman 1] Somebody check
that baby for a tail.

- [woman 2] I'd rather breastfeed Chucky.
- You know I can hear y'all, right?

[all gasping]

Maybe we sit tight
on this whole baptism thing

and lay Miss G to rest.

No, Lisa!
We need this done by six, you said it.

I know what I said, Bev.

But I'm afraid Dalvin is more
than my holy water can handle.

- But...
- But nothing, Mama.

I ain't got time for these hypocrites.

Y'all should worry about
your own dirty-ass diapers

before sticking your noses in mine.

The only difference between you and me

is I don't think
I'm better than nobody else.

See, the streets might want me dead,

but at least they gonna have to come
at me from the front, and that's on me.

- [Beverly] Oh no. No!
- [woman] Get him! Dalvin! No!

- [Lisa] Mrs. Guillory!
- Come back.

I made a deal with Black Jesus!

[lounge music playing]

Don't feel bad, Minnesota Matt.
Pool is in my genes.

And once I sink this eight-ball,
all your cash will be too.

Hey, Pops! I won so many games,
nobody else wants to play with.

Dagnabbit, Junior! You made me miss!

You got lucky, Minnesota,
but better run the table

'cause Reggie Evans don't miss twice.

[grumbling]

Ah, my leg.

I got the Charley horse.
I can't finish the game.

That means you lose.

Hold up, not so fast.

If a player can't finish the game,
he gets to choose who can finish for him.

Fine, pick anyone you want.
I already b*at everybody in this joint.

Oh, did you now?

Runs in the genes, you say?

Junior? He never set foot
inside a pool hall until today.

I mean, okay.

There's no shame
in losing to your old man, Junior.

[upbeat music playing]

[grumbling]

[Pigeon 1] I don't know.
She don't look too good.

You need this more than we do.

[grumbling continues]

[Dalvin panting]

[tires screeching]

[Dalvin screaming]

Help me!

[Beverly gasping]

Grey! Which way did Dalvin go?

Ah, he just...

- [grumbling]
- [sighing]

Oh these poor, unhoused folks.

If only they were part of a loving,
caring, and freshly painted family unit.

Six o'clock, Bev.
Y'all never gonna win. [laughing]

Grey. Wake up! Where's Dalvin?

They stuffed him inside a...

a loaf of bread and drove off.

"They?" He was kidnapped?

Well, he definitely didn't get
into that loaf on his own.

Ah, get up.
We have to go get your brother.

[lounge music playing]

Uh-oh, good thing you got
those extra layers of blubber, Evans,

because I believe I see a cold,
broken family in your future. [chuckles]

[phone ringing]

[Beverly] They got our baby.
They baby-napped Dalvin!

Well, at least today is not a total loss.

- Reggie!
- Here I go, Dad.

The moment I become a man.

You know, if we were lions,
I'd fight you to the death.

But I think you'd be proud of me then too.

Right before you bled out.

Hold up, Junior.

As much as I love for you
to hang this over me the rest of my life,

I'll never forgive myself if we don't go
save your worthless brother.

But I'm about to b*at you.

Boy, one of the things you learn
when you become a man

is that sacrifices have to be made.

You know the rules.

You leave, I win the money. All of it.

Honey, I'm sorry
I pulled you away from the game,

and you couldn't win the money.

There was too much at stake.
I refused to let my ego get in the way.

That's so sweet.

[both] Whoa!

I never would of guessed
you felt that way about Dalvin.

I don't. I feel that way about you.
Anyway, we're here. [scoffing]

MLK Drive.
The good reverend would sh*t a brick

in a whites-only toilet
if he could see this.

Okay, how are we gonna find him?

Mom, your breasts... Are they leaking?

Ha, they are!
Looks like it's the right one. Turn right.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

[grumbling] Now, left titty. Reggie, left!

Okay, both are filling up now.
He must be right in front of us!

And if y'all goin' to k*ll me,
just k*ll me.

You ain't have to take
a ****** binky, man.

Hey, look, shawty, no one k*lling anybody.

It's bad business.

Just a little wean-action
so we can maximize our return.

What you mean "return?"

Oh, he's perfect and binky-less, right?

Oh my goodness.
His skin will look so good on Instagram.

If you don't hand over my son,

the only thing any of you ******
are gonna see is binkies.

Ah, this is what I get for trying to buy...
I mean, adopt American.

I should've ordered from Cambodia.

Those babies are way more grateful
and easier to light in photos.

- You heard my wife. Hand the baby over.
- ****** you ain't my daddy...

- [yelling] Damn, hands up...
- He can get it too.

[yelling continues]

[Reggie] Boy, keep that hand away.

[baby] Lord, have mercy.

[grunting]

[all grunting]

Nobody messes with my family.

[shouting]

[intense music playing]

[shouting continues]

Hmm.

Well, I did exactly
what I said I would do.

I taught my boy how to take care of
his family with Grandpa's pool stick.

You know it, Pops.

Hurry, it's almost six.
We gotta get back to meet Delphine.

[all panting]

Grey? You and these damn flies
can wait outside.

Fine.

Well, we're all here and just in time.

Actually, you're late.

The project clock says, "Six oh... one."

Better luck next year, Perfect Patty.

[laughing]

I'm sorry I let you down.

No, it was me.

I thought our family
had to win this stupid contest

to prove we were
just as good as the Evans of old.

But the truth is we're the Evans of New.

Ain't nothing wrong with that.

We just have to be us,
and that's all that matters.

So, you don't mind if I sell dr*gs?

Yes, Nino Brown, I do mind.

And I better not catch
your little ass under my roof again.

- Mama?
- Sorry, but your father is right.

I thought I was putting granulated sugar
in my coffee the other day,

and then I counted every hair on my head.

- Hey, but you felt good though, right?
- Out!

All right.
Y'all need me before I need you.

[piano music playing]

Uh, hello, Beverly.

I... I just remembered

I forgot to reset my watch
last daylight savings.

I... I see all your clocks
look right, though.

And... and your lampshade is so nice.
So, you're the winner, congrats.

Reggie, did you hear that? We won.

Oh you're a good one, Black Jesus.

Are we done?

Oh no. Keys to the penthouse.

[gasping] To the penthouse?

Yep, I'm moving in my new crib. Get it?

- [dramatic music playing]
- [flies buzzing]

And these damn flies got to go.

[Delphine screaming, choking]

Thanks.

So, Grey, you starved yourself

just to end up eating the same food
you wouldn't eat before?

And had them nasty flies
following you for nothing?

They did more good than you know.

- What about the struggle?
- We're Black. It'll be here tomorrow.

At least I ain't got that drug-dealing
baby under my roof no more.

[all screaming]

Oh, you got that right.
And I ain't under your roof. I'm over it.

And hang on to that for me.

I'mma send somebody down
to get it in a minute.

And could you keep it down
during my nap times, old man?

Your ass be talking too loud.

Damn! Damn! Damn!

[soft music playing]