22x14 - Fat Actor

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Good evening. Coming up,
a major Hollywood movie

is set to film in Quahog.

But first, whoever recorded me

cursing at that freeway
off-ramp veteran,

please don't post that,
all right, seriously.

We all have bad days.

Our top story: The latest Brad Pitt film

will be sh*t right here in Quahog.

Pitt will play former
New Jersey governor

Chris Christie.

Brad Pitt is playing Chris Christie?!

It should be a fat
guy playing that role!

Chris Christie didn't eat


just to be played by
a Hollywood pretty boy.

That's offensive, and I, for
one, will not stand for it.

Although that's mostly due
to cardiovascular disease.

I got to sit down.

Peter, you know, you've
actually got a valid point.

Oh, boy. Here comes the soapbox.

It's shameful Hollywood would
pass over the many talented

plus-sized actors who are much
more deserving of the role.

- Name two.
- Jonah Hill?

- He's thin now.
- Uh, Fat Albert?

- Not real.
- James Corden?

He's been canceled
for sending eggs back.

Well, it's just another
example of Hollywood's history

of exclusionary casting,

- whitewashing and thin-washing.
- Exactly.

Like Mike Myers playing an Indian
man in The Love Guru.

- [GIGGLES]
- Or Marlon and Shawn Wayans

- playing White Chicks.
- [GIGGLES]

Or Mickey Rooney playing
an offensive stereotype

of an Asian man in
Breakfast at Tiffany's.

I don't know that movie,
but I like breakfast.

Oh, come on, you two.

You're really offended that
one of the biggest movie stars

on the planet is coming to
our crap town to sh**t a movie?

I mean, Brad Pitt could put it anywhere,

- with any of us.
- Facts.

I mean, when was the last time
a celebrity visited Quahog?

- Uh, Jared Fogle.
- Who?

The Subway Guy. Remember?

He was here for a public appearance.

Took a shine to Chris for some reason.

Took him camping.

Had these weird candies
he'd only let Chris eat.

How come I don't remember any of this?

Ah, too many video games, buddy.

They're rotting your brains.

Get your hands off me, Jared!

You're really gonna
complain about Brad Pitt?

Who cares what role he's playing?!

Well, that's easy for you to say, Lois.

Women have no idea what
it's like for us men,

being held up to impossible
standards of beauty

in the media.

Ooh, Jennifer Lawrence has a new movie.

Eh! Too old. Next.

Peter, I think you're right to protest.

- I'll even join you.
- Thanks, Brian.

Sometimes you just got to
stand up for what's right.

That's why I stood up to Kanye West.

Dinosaurs were created
by the Illuminati.

The government hides
secrets in SpaghettiOs.

And h*tler would've won Wimbledon

if he played tennis, bro.

Sir, sir, sir.

We do not wear shoes in this house.

Thank you. Now please
continue about Wimbledon.

[CHANTING] Overweight is overdue!

Overweight is overdue!

Wow, I'm impressed, Peter.

Yeah, it's going great.

News trucks even showed up to cover it.

I-I think... I think
those are just food trucks.

Come on, you know you want some.

Hi, fellas.

Oh, hey. Thanks for
coming out to support us.

"Dangerous Curves Ahead."

- Oh...
- [LAUGHS] Right?

[LAUGHS] Oh, that is good.

[LAUGHING] You get it.

[LAUGHS] That... that is clever.

Am I right?

[LAUGHTER]

That, that's good. That's good.

- Isn't it, though? [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, yeah.

[WHISPERS] Brian, can you
explain that shirt to me later?

Protesters were on hand
today at the set of

the new Chris Christie biopic
being filmed in Quahog.

They were protesting the casting
of Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt

in the lead role and
not a person of heft.

Well, Peter, I'm just
glad you're on the news

for something other than sitting
on a hamster at a school event.

[CLAMORING]

Hey, they said they
weren't gonna put that!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mr. Griffin, hi.

I'm Josh Universal from the movie.

I'm taking a break from
my horrific cocaine habit

to ask you to sit
down with our producers

for a "listening session"
to hear your concerns.

And, on an unrelated note,
can I use your bathroom,

and does anyone have a rolled-up bill?

Oh, of course. I got a
special five just for that.

[SNIFFS]

All right, let's get
zapped and go see a play!

♪ ♪

Hmm. That's odd.

Mr. Griffin, thank you
for meeting with us.

Have a seat.

Not on my lap!

Sorry. [CHUCKLES] I'm a little nervous.

Peter Griffin, please meet Brad Pitt.

♪ ♪

[GASPS] George Clooney's boyfriend?

No, no. A few years ago,
he was cast in a marriage.

Mr. Griffin, we've asked you here

because we understand you have an issue

with Brad playing the
lead role in our movie.

We want to make sure we hear
and ignore all your concerns.

Look, I know Brad Pitt
is a big star and all,

but he's playing Chris
Christie, who's a fat guy.

It seems unfair that the
role didn't go to a fat guy.

It only makes sense.

Don't you think we should
cast the best actor,

letting them interpret the role,

rather than depending
on physical traits?

Not if you're taking the
role away from a fat guy.

But, Mr. Griffin, Brad Pitt
is a highly skilled actor

who's won an Oscar and lots
of garbage Golden Globes.

You're not hearing my concerns.

You don't know the
challenges fat guys face.

What it's like to have
to rock multiple times

to get off the couch, or
how it feels to have to poke

a new hole in your belt with a nail,

only to realize the end no longer

tucks into the little loop,

or the shame of getting thrown out

of a strip club for touching.

That last thing doesn't
seem like a weight issue.

You sound just like the judge!

Look, the casting of this movie
is offensive to fat people,

and I won't rest until
it gets shut down.

Mr. Griffin, look,

what if we made you our
"official fat guy consultant"?

Do you think I'm an idiot?

Yes! What if I told you

we'll give you a P.A. who
will get you anything you want?

Deal. 20 Happy Meals, please.

He's actually Judd Apatow's nephew Zack.

You can't tell him what to do.

In fact, you work for him.

I want you to get me this thing,

and I can't remember what
it is or where I saw it.

Wow, I'm gonna learn so
much from his last name.

[FIGHTING AND g*nf*re ON TV]

The new season of White Lotus is weird.

Griffins, you are looking
at the Chris Christie movie's

official fat guy consultant.

Boy, that's a garbage
title if I ever heard one.

What? Wait a minute,
so instead of demanding

they cast a plus-sized actor, you caved

when they offered you
a meaningless title?

- What about everything you fought for?
- Don't you see, Brian?

Now I can work the system
from the inside with dignity.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew?

[DEFLATED] Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew.

[CRYING] Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew.

What does a fat guy consultant even do?

I'm the personal weight-gain
coach for Brad Pitt.

Wou-Would we get to meet him?

Sure. My job is to
teach him how to think,

eat and live like a fat guy.

So, just like that, you're giving up?

Brian, I'm a fat guy.

I got all fired up about something,

and now I'm tired and
I'd like some custard.

Guys, I'd like you to meet
my new friend Brad Pitt.

- Oh, my God!
- Whoa, nice to meet you.

- Who's this now?
- He's a very famous actor.

He's like the white Morris Chestnut.

- Oh, damn!
- Wow!

I can't believe I'm
sitting here with Brad Pitt.

I've got so many questions.

Like, what are the other
rules of Fight Club?

Well, the first rule is...

No, I'm clear on the first rule.

And I know the second rule
is just repeating the first.

But there's got to be loads more.

Like, I got to think "no
sack att*cks" is on there.

Hey, Brad. Any chance I could get

Jennifer Aniston's number from you?

I know she's got to be a nightmare,

but she keeps it so freakin' tight.

Okay, enough small talk.
Let's do what I brought him here for:

To break the Internet with a group

- head-smushed-together selfie.
- [PHONE BEEPS]

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Kevin Spacey? Get out of here.

You're not allowed to be in
head-smushed-together photos

after what you did.

Not guilty on all British counts.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, that rascal.

[KNOCKING]

Hi, you must be Peter's wife. I'm Brad.

♪ ♪

Oh, I know who you are. I'm... [SCREAMS]

Hi, I'm... [SCREAMS]

Stewart. Charmed.

I know you dump people when they're 40,

but that still gives us 39 good years.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Pitt.

Um, when you did that movie Snatch,

did you know that also
means something else?

Because it very much does.

That's a sticky handshake
you got there, Chris.

Peter, I was wondering
if I could spend some time

with you and your family,
observing how you live

and how you eat, to
prepare for the role.

Sure, I'd be glad to help.

Wow, I ain't had a
celebrity ask me for a favor

since Jeremy Renner asked me
to shovel out his driveway.

- [ENGINE IDLING]
- Uh, Jeremy, in light of recent events, uh...

could ol' Pete borrow your skis?

Okay, Brad, I'm gonna
teach you to be a fat guy.

For starters, this is where we eat.

Um, excuse me, Mr.
Pitt, but would you mind

if I FaceTime my friends with you here?

Oh, my God, they'll go crazy!

Sure, Meg, it'd be my pleasure.

- [SQUEALS]
- [FACETIME APP RINGING]

Oh, boy.

Oh, this-this is sad.

Oh, this-this is just... Oh...

Why don't I just take this, dear.

- [RINGING STOPS]
- [PHONE BEEPS]

Okay, Brad, now, another
fat guy rule is that

when you're out at
restaurants, always act like

you're on the fence about dessert.

So, folks, we thinking dessert?

Seriously? You must be joking.

I cannot move. No, sir. No way.

Absolutely stuffed to the gills.

Gonna have to take a rain check.

Although... No, no, I
can't even suggest it.

We are done. Done-a-roo. Check, please.

Although... just thinking,

I don't know when we'll be back here.

I read about the
award-winning pastry chef...

Wait, what am I saying? No! No.

Stop me, please, someone, please.

Bring the check now.

Okay, you know what, we'll get
one order and we'll all share.

One dessert, one dish, five spoons.

Whoever wants can have some.

One plate. One of everything. My plate.

One spoon. No share.

Now, Brad, if you're gonna
play a fat guy on camera,

you got to learn how
to do the rope swing.

Okay, let me show you how it's done.

[GROANS]



- I'm learning so much.
- That's great.

Hey, can you click
on a p*rn site for me?

Otherwise I got to peck it with my nose

like a tic-tac-toe chicken.

Here you go.

Thanks so much, Mrs. Griffin.

I love a home-cooked meal.

Well, we are so happy to have you.

- How's Shiloh?
- Who?

- How's Maddox?
- Who?

- How's Zahara?
- Who?

- How's Pax?
- Who?

- How's Vivienne?
- Who?

- How's Knox?
- Who?

Ignore her, she can be so annoying.

Sometimes I wish I had a private plane

just so I could choke her on it.

Hey, can I get you anything?

Another pork-n-Cheetos
sandwich or a buffalo latte?

I'm good, Peter, thanks.

[DIRECTOR] Brad, you're up!

[GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

- Ah!
- [DIRECTOR] Brad? Are you okay?

My back. I threw out
my back. I can't move.

Hey, since you can't
really move right now,

this is probably a good time to ask,

what's Juliette Lewis really like?

[STRAINING] Nice.
Talented. Professional.

- A little shrill.
- Yeah, a little shrill. Yeah, that sounds right.

[GROANING, PANTING]

I don't think I can walk.

We can't push back
our schedule any more.

If Brad's injured, what are we gonna do?

We'll need a new Chris Christie.

But who could possibly play
that role on such short notice?

I can play that role.

Griffin, you're not even an actor.

No, but what I am is a real fat guy.

Brad Pitt was never the right choice.

This role calls for real-life
fat guy authenticity.

I mean, would
Transparent have been as good

if they just put a guy in a dress?

Would Neil Patrick
Harris have been as funny

on How I Met Your Mother if he wasn't

a known heterosexual horndog?

Would Tropic Thunder
have been as authentic

if Robert Downey Jr. wasn't
a dignified Black man?

We're in a jam. What do you think?

I don't think we have any other choice.

All right, Griffin, you got the part.

Awesome! I'm gonna FaceTime my friends.

They're gonna be so excited for me.

[FACETIME APP RINGING]

Oh, boy.

Oh, this-this is sad.

[TV ANNOUNCER] We now
return to a steamy business drama

where no one understands
what's happening.

Are you saying we should
forge the EBITDA projections

- for the quarterlies?
- No.

I'm saying we declare a revenue-miss

while issuing additional shares

based on reduced
capitalization estimates.

Jim, you're in grave danger

of violating the Glass-Steagall Act.

[CHRIS] They haven't shown
a bare ass in three weeks!

Show me your ass, Jim.

[CHRIS] And I'm back.

Griffins, you are
looking at the new lead

in the Chris Christie movie.

You? Wh-What happened to Brad Pitt?

It's what I've been
saying all along, Lois.

He can't do what I do.

He doesn't bring the
fat guy authenticity.

His sweat doesn't
smell like french fries.

He doesn't bring the
sky-high blood pressure

or the jolting sleep apnea.

I have that gift. That's why.

Peter, this is ridiculous.

You can't play Chris Christie.

You're not even an actor.

Oh, no?

Yes, Lois! Yes! Yes! Oh!

Sound familiar?

- But how do you...?
- Squirt g*n full of Ivory.

Sorry, Lunchables, I'm
afraid I've lost my appetite.

Peter, I'm proud of you.

You're actually making important strides

on behalf of inclusivity
and cultural sensitivity.

Yeah, I'm all for that stuff.

As long as we don't got to take down

the Confederate statue in the yard.

That's for history and learning.

Even if they did come in second place

out of two armies in a w*r.

- So, how'd we do?
- Second place, baby.

Hey, not bad.

Silver medal. Whoo!

Okay, Peter, so, in this next scene,

Christie would probably
struggle in the heat and sun

on the George Washington Bridge.

You presume to lecture
me what it's like?

How dare you thinsplain to me?

Talk to me when your BMI is over 35.

Wow, a real live movie set.

So cool to be here for the magic.

Yeah, and look, there's a child star

who's getting an hour of school.

Okay, Billy, now, what color is this?

- Blue?
- Close enough.

Now get back out there

and be the most distracting
part of any film.

♪ ♪

♪ Making a movie ♪

♪ Not as glamorous as it seems ♪

♪ Standing around ♪

♪ For three hours just to move a light ♪

♪ Tripping over thick
cables everywhere ♪

♪ Spending all day sh**ting
one ten-second scene, yeah ♪

♪ Waving flies off the
craft service table ♪

♪ Making a movie ♪

♪ Way more tedious than it seems ♪

♪ The most important
job is the editor ♪

♪ Staring at a frame
for 18 hours straight ♪

♪ Most of them snap and go crazy ♪

♪ Even a dumb cartoon like
this takes 18 months ♪

♪ What are we all doing? ♪

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

Oh, Peter, your big movie premiere.

This is so exciting!

Did Dr. Hartman bring a
woman in a coma as his date?

Hey, guys, big night,
huh? See you in there.

- [CROWD CLAMORING]
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

Oh, God, here come those
mindless entertainment reporters

who only want to know,
"Who are you wearing?"

- Stewie!
- Stewie.

Over here, Stewie.

How do you respond to
those who accuse your show

of trafficking in decades of misogyny,

h*m* and racially
insensitive stereotyping?

Uh... Thom Browne, thank you.

Go, Brian. Go, go, go, go, go.

And here's the star of
the film, Peter Griffin.

What are you wearing tonight, Peter?

Well, Tom, the shirt is actually
two shirts sewn together.

The jacket is stolen from
a steak house maître d',

and the pants are a towel.

You know, I hear you were
quite the prankster on set.

Well, it wasn't so much pranks

as yelling and shouting at women.

Yeah, a lot of 'em aren't here tonight.

They're doing some town hall
meeting with Gloria Allred.

Ah, we'll see what happens.

The after-party's at a Panera

that's still open to normal customers.

[CHEERING]

Thank you all for coming.

- [QUAGMIRE] Giggity.
- It was a lot of hard work.

- [QUAGMIRE] Giggity.
- And thanks to the unnecessarily long writers' strike,

we were unable to write a
third joke for this speech.

[CHEERING]

- Hey!
- Ow!

That's your father's movie up there.

Pay attention, you dope.

♪ ♪

[CLAMORING ON SCREEN]

Repeat after me.

- I's am governor.
- I's am governor.

- Youse are not.
- Youse are not.

Big p*ssy didn't
deserve to die like that

in The Sopranos.

But he was a freakin' rat!

Congratulations, you are
the governor of New Jersey.

Now let's all root for
the Jets and the Mets

like the idiots we are.

[CHEERING]

♪ ♪

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Lord, please protect us
from this coming hurricane.

It's bad enough you gave me
the same first and last name.

Please don't let me
be k*lled by a Sandy.

The fellas at the Y would never
let me hear the end of it. Amen.

♪ ♪

[CRYING]

Oh, Chris, you're dying.

Don't remember me like this.

Remember me stuffed like a sausage

into that NYPD softball uniform.

♪ But I would walk 500 miles ♪

- [SCATTERED CLAPPING]
- ♪ And I would walk 500. ♪

[FEIGNING ENTHUSIASM]
Hey, that was terrific.

[FORCED] Oh, what an achievement.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
You really did it, buddy.

What are you guys
talking about? I stunk.

I can't act at all.

No...

You were, uh, very believably fat.

Didn't you notice half the time

I was staring right into the camera?

They had to use peanut
butter to get me on my mark.

Yeah, but you've done a great thing

for authenticity and inclusivity.

I don't even know what those words mean,

I just like to see your
tail wag when you say 'em.

Peter, you're giving
the marginalized a voice.

How are they marginalized?

The whole country's full
of dumb, fat [BLEEP].

Now more than ever, we need
authenticity and inclusivity.

No, Brian. What we need is good actors.

I don't care if they're
Black, white, tall,

short, thin, fat.

Gay, straight... you forgot those ones.

Look, I-I admit I
thought acting was easy.

And maybe I was blinded
by all the praise I got

from Harvey Weinstein.

Peter, Harvey Weinstein hasn't
had clout for like six years.

Oh, boy. Then I may have
done some things I'll regret.

I don't know, I guess, as
a fat guy, I-I got offended

that Chris Christie
wasn't played by a fat guy.

But turns out it just
needed to be a good actor.

Maybe we should all
spend less time judging

and more time enjoying

what different actors
bring to different roles.

That's the magic of movies and TV.

[CHRIS] And stepson p*rn.

Chris, you don't have to
join every conversation.

[MURMURING]

Okay, look, look, I understand

not everyone will agree on this issue,

but let's discuss it
in a civilized manner

by making death threats
from our individual homes

to one another on the Internet.

[PHONE CHIMES]

_

Right back at you, buddy.

Well, I'm sorry your movie
didn't go over well, Peter.

Yeah, the money was
good, but I got tired of

- all the one-night stands.
- What?

- Huh?
- Sorry, my ears have been clogged

since I made out with that
guy from the film crew.

- What?
- Huh?

Well, I got to say, Bri,

it might not have worked out for Dad,

but I sure got bit by the acting bug.

Really? You want to be an actor?

Oh, yeah. I'd be great in Streetcar.

Stella! Stella!

What?!

Is Aidan home?