02x08 - A Freelancers Carol

[bunniefuu]

[♪ musical swirl ♪]

[mischievous music]

- I quit!

- I'm with you.

We've done a lot of bad jobs,
but this takes the cake.

- The entire cake!
- A whole freaking cake!

- I didn't even know
there was such a thing

as "Foot Doctor The Musical".

- Well, that filming auditions
for would be so soul sucking.

- Everyone.

Everyone was bad.
- So bad.

- Like the guy that
started crying

because the toenail
song about fungus

reminded him of his ex-wife.

- He had a lot of feelings.

- You all act like
you've never seen

community theater before.

- Ryan hadn't.

♪ Oh, foot doctor
heal my fungus ♪

- He's in deep.

- Who holds auditions on
Christmas Eve?

- Some no neck,
jankety scrooges!

- No neck, jankety scrooges!

♪ My big toe is my best toe ♪

- It was like watching
art, take off its wig,

tell you it's your real
mother, and then k*ll you.

- So, what?

One bad experience and
everyone's lost their will

to keep producing videos?

- One bad experience?

Zona, we filmed a
colonoscopy this year.

- We regularly get paid
in Twizzlers.

- Are you really not the least
bit discouraged right now?

- Of course I am!

[Zona grunts]

- Oh, here we go.

[Zona groans]

- I hate that each gig is
a new nightmare!

- Mm-hmm.

- I hate that we live
paycheck to paycheck!

I hate that we can't
catch a break

and then our clients don't
respect us or what we do!

- Thank you.

- And then we are wasting
our lives on stupid videos

that benefit nothing and no one!

[soft Christmas music]

Merry Christmas. [sighs]

- Exhausted sigh. Bingo!

[Ryan clears throat]

["Wicket Youth" by Sego]

♪ Make it mean anything,
oh, anything you want ♪

[door knocking]

- It's midnight, Mr. Gandolfini.

- But it's never too late for...

♪ Oh, Christmas- ♪

[door slams]

- Zona, wait.

He brought us a giant present.

I wanna know what it is!

- It's Gandolfini, Ryan.

It's guaranteed to be terrible.

- But it's a present. A
present can never be bad.

- Remember when he crocheted
those pants for all of us?

Mine got snagged on a hook

and over the course of a
mile, unravel completely.

- Why did you keep walking?

- I had errands.

- I hate that he knows
all of our pants sizes.

Except Owen's. His were
way too tight.

- He did that on purpose.

- Well, I like my crocheggings.

Come on, it's Christmas.

- Do whatever you want.

♪ Bells are green
through summertime ♪

- You have five minutes.
[timer beeps]

[Julian gasps]

- Stop looking at our house!

[Julian gasps]
- [Devin] Don't look at that!

- Eyes up and nowhere.

- I got even more
presents for each of you.

I thought I would wait
till your all asleep

to put them under the tree.

- No!
- Oh!

- I've also planned a large
dinner for each of my friends!

- He means just us.
- I mean just you all.

- Oh!

An old thing.
- I thought you needed a clock

because every time we make
plans you never show up,

so I assume you loss
track of time.

- You know, all in all, this
is one of your best gifts.

- In each hour, when it chimes,

you'll hear a special
message of love from me.

- There it is.

[clock chimes]

- [Julian On Recording]
You are loved by me.

All right, now that I'm done
recording I'm gonna go potty.

[clock chimes]

[Julian chuckles nervously]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Sometimes dreams must die ♪

♪ So I can ♪

♪ Live ♪

- Are you all okay?

- We, uh, had a rough day.

- We can't bounce back
from this one.

- Are you opening up to me?

Don't screw this up, Julian.
Focus.

So what's going down in
Chinatown, my lovelies?

- Video Production Company-

- Is done. We're done.

- We're close up shop.

- But you can't stop
making videos.

- We can't keep making videos.

- I got into this business
to impress the ladies.

But they don't come a flockin'

when you're the go-to
video service

for adult diaper companies!

No matter how good you
look when you put them on.

- I'll come a flockin', Owen.

- I know that. It doesn't help.

- We have to get real
jobs like Jenny.

- Don't say that name!

- That's a blast from the past.

- I'm sorry. Who is Jenny?

I don't have her on my
list of family, friends,

or approved blood
donors for you guys.

- When we first started
Video Production Company,

Jenny was our writer.

- She left us to become a
corporate advertising stooge

in New York, a city no
one can prove exists.

- It exists.

- [snorts] Sure, and
so does Mars.

- Jenny was just-

- I said don't use the J word.

I have spent years editing
her out of all of our photos.

[upbeat music]

Plus some other touch-ups.

- That took you years?

- A little support, Micah.

- We should've gone with her.

Not that I don't
enjoy being poor.

My tin foil shoes have
served me well.

- But you love making videos.

When you come home
from your sh**t,

I can see the look of
joy on your faces

from my watching perch.

- All right, Ryan, hand
me the camera.

Micah, go get the trashcan,

Devin, you know what to do.

- My couch gas is finally
coming in handy.

- [Julian] Wait!

Please reconsider.

- It's over, Mr. Gandolfini.
- Oh.

- We've reached our limit.

[timer beeping]

- TIme's up, Gandols. Get out!

And take your giant
bathroom clock with you.

- Oh, no, no, no. But
that was a gift.

I spent a fortune on it
out in an estate sale.

The previous owners
m*rder*d each other.

So conversation starter.

- Nu-uh! It's probably haunted.

- Oh, Micah.

You're probably right.

- [Owen] Get out of here,
Gandolfini.

We've got a career to
ceremoniously end.

- [Julian] No! I love you!

[door slams]

- We're sure about this, right?

- Then with this flame,

Video Production
Company is no more!

[ominous music]

- What?

- [Julian On Recording]
Nothing says love

like an acrostic poem.

Owen, O is for oh, so handsome,

W is for weasels
into your heart,

[door bangs]
[group yelps]

- Here's a big Kn*fe
from my couch supplies.

[ominous music]
[door banging]

- Ryan, call the police!

- What? I don't wanna make
them work on Christmas.

[door banging]

- Get behind me!

[door banging]

- Oh, I didn't get to
hear the rest of my poem.

[chains clanging]

- No. It can't be.

- [Micah] Jenny?

- We were literally
just talking about you.

- Hello, old friends.

- Wait, if you're a ghost,
are you...

- Yeah.

I d*ed a few weeks ago and
gained access to you all

through that clock.

FYI, it is filled with demons.
[chuckles]

- My foresight is my burden.

- How did you die?
Not that I care.

- Owen.
- Sorry.

You deserved it.

- I d*ed in a money fire.

I was burning cash for laughs
with a bunch of stockbrokers

and the blaze got ahead of us.

- You have that much
money just lying around?

- Yes, I was wildly successful.

But you don't want a
life like mine.

I wasted all my time
driving four-wheelers

through my mansion,
dating models,

and making my own
personal Jurassic Park.

- Girl, what are you
talking about?

That sounds amazing!

- When it's all over, you
can't take it with you.

Except these gold bricks.
They let me keep these.

Pretty cool.

Either way, tonight you
will be visited

by the three ghosts of gigs
past, present, and future.

- Wait. We're going to
relive our terrible jobs?

Why? So you can rub your
success on our faces?

- No! To warn you!

Change your ways before
it's too late!

- We already know that.
We're done producing videos.

- No. I mean change
back to producing.

- Uh, you want us to
change by staying the same?

- Three spirits!

- Huh?

[electricity buzzing]

- What do we do?

- First, we're gonna burn
a bushel of sage

to cleanse this unholiness.

- We gotta get this
clock out of our house.

- Let's go, demons.

[clock chimes]
[electricity buzzing]

- Is there an itinerary

for when these ghosts
will be arriving?

- [Julian On Recording]
Micah, M is for my, my.

I is for immediately my
second favorite.

- He is so bad at these poems.

- Hello, Arizona.

[group screams]

- It's Samantha.

- Joan.
- Samantha Joan.

- Just Joan.
- From McDonald.

- Krispy Kreme! Can this
guy stop talking?

- You're here to get me

to take my old sign
dancing job back?

Because I will never-

- No, we replaced you.

- Oh.

Well, good.

Who, may I ask, was able
to fill the shoes that-

- A pole.

We put a sign on a pole
and spin it around.

Same effect.

- Wait. The donut lady is dead,
too?

Should we call all of our
enemies and warn them?

- Okay, firs of all, I'm
not just a donut lady,

I work for big
Baskin-Robbins now too.

And second of all, I'm
not dead, I'm in a coma.

I choked on a hunk of
cookie dough.

- That's how I wanna go.

- Baskin Corporate promised
to cookies and cremate me

if things go south.

- Do they put cookies in it?

- I'm not worried, though.

I'll bear claw my way
back in my body

by hot fudge sundae.

- Talking to you makes
me so hungry.

- Let's get started.
Grab this donut.

- Oh, raspberry.
- Ryan, no!

- Look over there.

It's your past selves
working your very first job.

- Oh, my.

- [Young Zona] I
can't believe it!

Our first job as a real
production company!

- [Group] Yeah!

- I'm just excited to be
making something.

I don't even care if it's
a corporate safety video

called "What to Do if
Your Hair Catches on Fire

and You're Pants Fall Down?"
- Yeah.

- Making videos for money,
it's the dream!

- Aw, look how happy we are.

- Why does everything look
like it's from the '80s?

- [Group] Yeah!

- How old are you guys?

- We'll never tell.

- I'm so glad I left my job

as an anesthesiologist for this.

- We just have to make
a few ads for the cash

and we'll be filming our
movie in no time.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- I forgot about our movie.

- It's about the estranged
brother of Indiana Jones.

Nebraska Smith.

- If they were brothers,

wouldn't they have the
same last name?

- Do you not know what
estrange means?

Stick to donuts, Joan.

- Come on, Joan.

- A bunch of idiots.

- Last night, I finished
making the b*mb

for the expl*si*n scene.
- Nice!

- How big is it?

Tell me when to stop.
- Okay, keep going.

Keep going. You gotta
use your legs.

There you go.

Bigger.

There you go.

That. It's about that big.
- Wow.

- Oh, yeah, my b*mb.

I forgot where I put that.

- Man, the happiness we
see here doesn't even last.

- I mean, we didn't even
make enough money

to make our movie.

We just did meaningless
job after job.

- Yeah, Joan, why are you
showing us this?

I miss my b*mb!

- Eclair anyone?

- Oh, don't mind if I do.

- Ryan, no!

- Zona, I'm almost out
of time so listen quick.

In the even of my death,

I have a large safe in my
house filled with valuables.

I've hidden it under the
floor of the dining room,

and the combination is
something I will never tell you

because you suck.

So long, turds!

Don't look at me!

[electricity buzzing]

- Whew! When we go all swirly,
my heart problems get spicy.

- That only took eight minutes?

[clock chimes]
[group yelps]

- Give us a moment witch clock!

- [Julian On Recording]
Here's a song I wrote

for all of you.

I hope you like falsetto!

♪ A friendship is a ship
that's full of friends ♪

- I wonder who the ghost
of gigs present-

[electricity buzzing]
[toilet flushing]

Oh, man! Did you just
use our bathroom?

- The usurper and her
band of traitors.

- Are all the spirits
people who hate us?

Does everyone hate us?

'Cause they aint us?

- Now then, you, girl.

- Uh, I'm Zona. Zona Goodwin.

I'm your student body president.

- [scoffs] You think that measly
title means anything to me?

I'm head of the PTA now!

Control the moms,
control the world.

- Ugh!

- Okay, so, like,
what's your deal?

Are you dead or just doing
like a Doctor Strange thing?

- I'm actually physically here.

[face slaps]
[Micah gasps]

- He's right.

- I don't believe you!
Do it again!

[face slaps]
[Micah gasps]

- I'm certain.

- Your friend Jenny sent me

and then a woman on a
coma gave me a magic donut

that gave me Christmas powers.

Don't think about it too much.

- Done.

- I'm just surprised your mom
let you out on a school night.

He-yo!

- Zona, it's Christmas Eve.

- It's literally Christmas Eve.

- There's no school
on Christmas.

- No school.

- Do you not know school?

- All right then, let's see
some of your recent failures.

Shall we?

Take my hand.
- Okay.

- Ryan. No!

Sorry. All right, I just
thought we're...

- It's all right. I'm just
taking him over to the couch.

- Okay.

- To transport you all!

[group screams]

- Okay.

There is zero consistency
between the spirits tonight.

I just want that acknowledged.

- Oh, I love Doodles.

Except for the brainwashing
that I regret perpetuating.

Obviously.

- Your best clients were the
leaders of a brainwashing cult.

- Which I helped take down!

- By accident.

You spent the entire
paycheck on jewelry.

- Chosen one's gotta
look his best.

- I mean, Owen might
have a point.

If it wasn't for us, the
cult would still exist.

- Yes, thank you. Yes.

- Maybe our work has had a
greater impact

than we even knew.

Like the time I dropped the
camera off of that building

and it stopped that mugging.

- Hmm.

They hit the mugger in the face.

His nose is over here now.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, but our actual
work doesn't help anybody!

We've produced countless videos.

And for what?

- She's right.

Take Legend Quest for example.

- Please don't.
[William snaps]

- One ad from you and
they filed for Chapter 11.

- Chapter books are difficult.

- See, this is why we
have to quit!

Our work doesn't help
others, it destroys them!

- I heard they rebranded into
a medieval bed and breakfast.

It's a mecca now for
traveling nerds.

- [Micah] Look, Devin,
it's Florg.

- I don't know what I
ever saw on him.

[amorous music]

That's what I saw on him.

- Nope. Nope.
- Devin.

- No, no, no.
- Bring it in.

- Are we allowed to touch?
- I don't know.

- Okay. So, what?

- So, don't you see, Zona?

Our videos are the phoenix fire

that burns people to the ashes

from which they will arise
stronger because they have to

or they will suffer
unbearable pain

because they couldn't adapt
to the harsh new reality

we created.

- Are we heroes?

- Our work did
something positive.

- Not all your work. [snaps]

- [Devin] The child prison.

- That's the daycare, Devin.

- The daycare prison.

- This day was one of your
biggest failures ever.

Miss Gwen didn't want
your production's skills

before you even started.

You must have felt so unvalued.

- Uh, actually, I felt
super valued.

Those kids worshiped me.

- Yes, you seemed to
do very well

at schools where you
have no business being!

- No, you're just saying that.

- I can almost smell
the crayons.

I could really go for a
green right now.

- And we almost stopped those
fireworks from being smuggled.

- There were no fireworks,
Micah.

That was a bogus theory.
- I don't know.

- Hey, Carl.

Listen, uh...

I know that we talked about
escaping to the border tonight

with all those M-80s, but,
uh, I met this film crew.

They made me rethink my choices.

Goodbye, my love.

- By the winged feet of Hermes!

- I solved the mystery!
I'm Divorced Detective MD!

- I can't believe we had
a positive effect on her.

This makes me feel way better
about that bonus she gave us.

- I thought that was hush money.

- [chuckles] Swirl us
away, William. [chuckles]

- It was hush money, right?
- Swirl, boy! Swirl!

[Williams snaps]

- I must apart from you now.

I have to get back to the
Christmas yoga retreat

with the single PTA moms.

Au revoir!

- You leave our toilet alone.

That's right.

- He didn't wash his hands.

[clock ticking]

- Don't you do it.

Do not do this.

[clock chimes]

Pick a pattern!

- [Julian On Recording] And
here's my poem for Zona.

Z stands for zero.

Don't care.

- What?
[Micah gasps]

[ominous music]

[group screaming]

- Petunia! I missed you so much!

Oh, mango. Thank you.

- Ryan, no! Uh...

Oh. I guess the whole
time travel thing is done.

I just thought that... [screams]

[group screams]
[ominous music]

[group gasps]

- What? A grave?

I specifically requested
a viking funeral

piled with the bones of enemies!

Where's the bones of the
cat across the streets

and my pharmacist?

- Spirit, is this our future?

- Well, technically,
it's everyone's future.

- I go to a
homeopath every week!

- And I'm just in deep denial
about my own mortality.

- I thought we were supposed
to see the jobs we'd have

if we left Video
Production Company.

- Can't believe our
job is death!

- Can't believe our
job is death.

- At least they gave
each of us a headstone

as signing bonus.

- Morbid. But practical.

- Ooh, I wanna put that
on my headstone.

- We didn't die.
[Micah sighs]

I will live forever.

- So, if we quit
producing videos,

we'll all get jobs as
grave diggers?

Why?

I have a master's degree!

- I think it's nice that
we're all still together.

- It's nice that we're all
still together.

- Oh. Wait, hold up.

Where's future Ryan?

[ominous music]

[Zona gasps]

- Rayn Mcloud.

- Rayn's dead?

- What have we done?

- Has my name been Rayn
this whole time?

- Rayn!

- Aw, this is so sweet.

- Spirit, tell me it's
not too late!

- Spirit, we've changed!

We saw that our jobs
weren't bad!

I mean, except for the one we
did earlier, the foot musical.

I still stand by that.
That was pretty awful.

But generally speaking!

- Spirit, please!

I'll never complain about
our work again

unless I get hungry or if
I just forget!

- I just wanna be with the
people I care about, spirit.

It doesn't matter
what job we do.

We could be unemployed
for all I care.

Is that an option?

What are the
unemployment benefits

available to us, spirit?

- I still wanna produce videos!

I've seen the value our work
has on others and for us!

And on a separate note,
I still don't understand

why a person with a
master's degree

would dig graves, spirit.

So I would appreciate
some further clarification

on that matter if we have time,

because I spent a lot
of money on grad school!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- We're back!

[birds chirping]
[Devin panting]

- You there! What day is it?

- December 26th!

- The spirits did it
all in 36 hours!

- Merry Christmas, everyone.

- It's Kwanzaa now.

- [Devin] You can't k*ll
Ryan if I k*ll you first!

don't you dare k*ll my
friends ever, bad camera!

[Devin screaming]

- This deserves a
traditional Christmas feast.

Ryan, run to the market

and get the fattest
goose you can find.

- I think they only have
chicken nuggies.

- Even better.

[demon growling]
[ominous music]

- [gasps] This clock
has gotta go.

- Let's get on with Christmas.

- Kwanzaa.

[cheery Christmas music]

- Weird Christmas.
But I liked it.

- Let's make pact that we
never give up,

no matter how
meaningless the jobs.

- Yes, no matter how many
lives we ruined beyond repair.

- Mm-hmm.

- God bless us, everyone.

- And if there is a next season,

we're gonna make our movie.

- Next season?

Is spring not coming?

What's wrong with spring?

[telephone ringing]

- Hello?

Zona? You're calling me?

What is it? Is it Owen?

What? You guys are accepting
my dinner invitation.

Yes.

A thousand times yes.

I don't care what day it is.

We are celebrating
Christmas together.

Don't worry.

I still have all the food
left over from yesterday.

I'll see you soon.

It's go time.

♪ Friendship ♪

[upbeat techno music]

[upbeat Christmas music]