02x06 - Barber Tom

[bunniefuu]

[♪ musical swirl ♪]

- It isn't everyday you
get a haircut

so make that day a special one
and come on down to barber.

[gagging]

We'll treat you right
and you'll never have to.

[severe coughing]

- Are you okay?

- Never better! My lungs
are at 75 percent capacity

and the Adderall is kicking in.

- You just, seem a
little unwell.

- He's fine, trust me.

Both my parents are Douala's.

- Unwell? Could an
unwell man do this?

- Did he just make
his nose bleed?

- I think we need to
get you to the hospital.

- Hospital shmoshpital.

- Yeah. That's the one.

- And who's hair am I cutting?

[sudden dramatic music]

[gasp]

Come on, Adderall. Work
your witchy voodoo.

- No, I think you're
experiencing some sort of

serious medical issue.

- You mean the gangrenous
tattoo on my back

that used to say nobody
puts baby in a corner?

- What does it say now?

- Well some of the
letters got infected

so now it just says baby corn.

- Baby corn.

[choking and coughing]

- Is this the end? Is
this how it ends?

I should've drank less paint.

- Catch him!

- Someone call 911!

Here I'll dial it for you!

Somebody call them. No
wait I'll do it.

Hang on. What's the number?

Someone dial it for me.

- I don't think we should
be smacking him any harder.

- Hello? My name is Ryan.

Uh, have you seen the
movie Paddington?

- Not now, Ryan!

- We're at barber Tom's
and he's about to explode!

[gasping]

Oh I panicked.

Now I really wanna
watch Paddington though.

[groans]

I'll go get it.

[upbeat indie music]

[trendy upbeat music]

- Man. I hope barber Tom
is gonna be okay.

- Well, he's been
through the actual plague

so he's survived worse.

- Didn't fall in the
gorilla exhibit at the zoo?

- Yeah.

The gorilla's didn't att*ck
him but they sure did

sign some pretty hurtful things.

- Who even taught them to
sign for frumpy dough boy?

- I don't know how we're gonna
finish his ad by tomorrow.

All the footage we got of
him was pretty haunting.

- Isn't he in the hospital?

Why does he still need
it by tomorrow?

- I don't know.

Before they wheeled him away

he grabbed my arm real
tightly and said

the only thing keeping me
in this world is this ad.

Then he sneezed all
that blue stuff.

[groans]

- We're not gonna get
sick are we?

- Maybe you guys but not me.

My body doesn't know how.

It's a blessing and a blessing.

- We're all gonna have to
stay home for a few days.

Just in case.

- Stay home? But I have
plans tonight.

I'm going on date number three
with hot blonde number six.

- Do you not know her name?

- All their names are Ashley.

I have to differentiate
them somehow.

- Last names?

- All Johnson, so weird right?

- Are you sure you're
dating multiple women?

- Do I have a girlfriend?

- Man! I wanted to go out too!

My psychic said
something bad or good

was gonna happen to me maybe.

- We can't go anywhere.

- You can't stop me!
You're not my mom!

Right?

Right.

- The doctor said barber Tom is

suffering from eight
different illnesses at once!

We were exposed to all of that.

- You don't know if we
were exposed.

- Seriously?

He's seizing!

Somebody put
something is his mouth

to keep him from
biting his tongue!

[screaming]

- He's hit bone!

- His body just released this.

Oh where's it coming from?

[screaming]

Still none of us have any
symptoms, right?

- Micah?

- I feel quite lovely.

[cough]

- He's infected.

- Micah, no!

Don't be sick.

Use the power of believing.

- You guys know how
gum stays inside of you

for like seven years?

- That's a myth.

- Either way, that six feet
of bubble tape I ate earlier

is really starting to come
back sooner that expected.

- Well, Micah's
practically dead.

But no use dwelling on the past.

- You still can't leave.

- You can't stop me!

You're not my boss!

Right?

Right!

- Devon, you're in
charge of Owen.

Don't let him leave the house.

- You got it.

- I gotta figure out
how to finish this ad.

Ryan? Take care of Micah.

- My grandma prepared me
for this moment.

Don't worry, Micah.

I will heal you with the
power of soup!

[upbeat Japanese pop music]

- All right.

Time to channel some Devon
and edit this ad myself.

[determined music]

[keyboard typing]

[birds chirping]

[computer turning on]

Yep.

[upbeat action music]

- Owen?

I know you're in here.

You can't hide forever.

[sniffing]

Hint of baby shampoo.

I'm close.

[thud]

Aha!

[door squeak]

[grunt]

[scream]

- You can't stop love!

- I can stop any
metaphysical concept I want!

Watch me!

Are you still there?

[panting]

- Heal me crystals.

Use the power of the earth,
the moon

and prescription grade
mindfullness.

[sigh]

Uh oh, something bad or good
is going to happen maybe.

[coughing and choking]

Aw man, so much for sneaking
that into the movie theater.

[upbeat, quirky music]

[heavy breathing]

Just gotta change my tactics.

[music box]

- Devon?

Devon?

Oh man, are those spanks?

I wanna wear those.

They'd be so slimming
under my suit.

[suspenseful music]

No it's a trap.

Or a miracle.

Let me just check and see
if they're in my size.

By the gods.

Child's medium.

- Gotcha!

[screams]

[action music]

- Let me go!

- If I can't leave,
neither can you!

- You're wrinkling my
cousins suit!

- How'd you get dressed
so fast anyway?

I thought it took you
three hours to get ready.

- I can put on a suit
in 2.4 seconds.

It takes me three hours
to check all my angles.



[calm, groovy music]

Good.



Perfection.

Devon! Please no!

It's the third date!

That's the smooching date.

- Hey! You weren't the only one

who had to miss out on
a date tonight, okay?

I had one too!

- No you didn't! With who?

- If you must know it was
with a biker named Keith

who looks like evil Santa
and I was really excited.

- Well then let's both go, girl.

Come on.

Don't you wanna ride in
the side car by Keith?

While his white scraggles
blow in the wind.

- Obviously, yes!

But I had contact
with patient zero

so once again Devon's gotta
step in and save the world.

- Once again?

- Oh no, we gotta go!

You're future self is here

and we're not supposed
to make contact.

- You thinks that's future me?

- The resemblance is uncanny!

Now run woman, before she
creates an alternate timeline!

- What?

- Okay, you stay put and I'll
have Ryan check up on you.

- Devon I'm not sick!

Just take my temperature!

- Really?

- Yes!

- Okay.

- Wait!

[screams]

Devon.

- 102.

- My constitution.

- Starve a cold, make a
fever hotter.

- Okay, grandma's chicken soup.

[upbeat music]

Little bit of this.

Little bit of this.

And a little bit of.

[sneeze]

Oh no, I think the recipe
only calls for one sneeze.

- You wouldn't let a
toddler fly a plane.

[hip hop instrumental]

So why would you let
someone else cut your hair?

You guys smell toast?

I'm barber Thomas.

[screams]

My kidney!

The key to a sharp
haircut is sharp scissors.

Oh.

[gasps]

It's fine.

It's my prosthetic leg.

Oh wait, that's my left one?

[screams]

- I wonder if there's a way
to cut around all this dying.

[coughing]

Oh! Oh no.

Micah!

My forehead feels like a
juicy rotisserie chicken

under a heat lamp.

Oh I wanna eat it.

- Stay back! Don't get me sick!

- Help!

My nose is runny, my
throat is sore

and if I think too hard
I can remember Vietnam.

- Ryan, don't panic okay?

You're just sick.

- I am? I haven't been sick
since the last time I was sick.

- Owen's sick too.

But I'm taking care of it.

- How are you feeling, Devon?

- Come on girl, you know
my body's a brick wall.

[sneeze]

[crash]

Who made me weak?

- All right.

I know you're all feeling
sick right now

but does anyone feel well
enough to help me with this ad?

[groans]

- Yes.

[thud]

- Great.

[upbeat music]

Owen? You okay, buddy?

- Take me to hot girl.

- I don't thinking you wanna
go on your date anymore.

- Why not?

- It's better if I show you.

[scream]

- Devon's stupid heater
gave me heat rash?

- You don't suppose
you'd be willing

to go on camera right now?

- No! I look like two face.

Now untie me so I can
go k*ll Devon.

- I already untied you.

- Oh.

Oh!

- Now will you help me
finish the commercial?

- No I'm going on my date!

- But your face?

[upbeat music]

- You underestimate my
ability to only

show people my good side.

- Which good side?

- Owen?

- Ashley hold on, I'll
be there soon.

- What's wrong?

You never use my first name.

- Yeah, it's fine.

Just order an appetizer
but you have to pay for it.

I know you're in there, Devon.

It's obviously you!

[buzzing]

No!

[screaming]

It's bees! It's bees!

[suspenseful music]

- Always anticipate a
box of bees!

- No!

How are you always one
step ahead of me?

- You think I'm only
one step ahead?

I already know what you're
gonna do two weeks from now.

- Achieve six pack abs?

- No.

Cooking yourself ramen while
pretending to be Ratatouille.

- You know I do that?

- Mhm.

- Can you keep it down?

I'm trying to edit and I haven't

been under this much
pressure since Fareview High

almost lost the model UN summit.

- You got it zonester.

[screaming]

- Hi, I'm barber Tom.

Hey, Shaggy.

[gagging]

Come get a haircut would ya?

We're located right
off the street.

No mullets.

- Should I submit this
to the Oscars?

[hip hop music]

- Does anybody else feel
real hot and sweaty?

- Let me check.

[sizzling]

You might have a fever.

- Laughing gas and tickles
had a baby in my brain

and it pooped it's pants.

- I feel normal.

Goodbye lizards.

I'll see you on my date.

- Oh no you don't!

[grunting]

[suspenseful action music]

[scream]

[screaming continues]

[moaning]

- Punch your face.

- I k*ll you.

- You're dead.

- k*ll you.

- You're dead.

[mystical flute and drum music]

[terrible flute music]

- The men on this ship say that

this one reminds them of home,
captain.

[fast playing flute music]

[opera music]

[sad humming]

[upbeat, playful music]

- What is going on in here?

- Zone's. I failed you.

Owen's having the time of
his life with hot girl.

- Oh, Owen.

- Oh Zona! Get out of my date!

- You know I'm actually
pretty proud that

I'm the only one that
didn't get sick.

- Don't get cocky.

[maniacal laughing]

- Okay everyone needs to go
back to bed and get some rest.

- You're not my doctor.

Right?

Oh man, I can't even
tell anymore.

- Is Ryan dead?

- No, he's still
breathing sometimes.

[inhale]

- Okay, you all stay here.

I'm calling in the big g*ns.

[upbeat dance music]

- Ah! Glamorous spacemen!

- So you're back for round two?

- Grandma.

- I brought the whole crew,
Moose.

Now let's get you kids to bed.

[upbeat dance music]

- Ryan.

You're grandma's straight buff.

- That's nothing.

One time, I was
trapped under a car

and she punched it off of me.

- What a goddess.

- Hey everyone!

It's the doctor on the phone

with an update about barber Tom.

You're on speaker.

- Thank you for sending over
the ad you make for Tom.

It seemed really
important to him.

- Did he like it?

- Well, he watched it.

And then he d*ed immediately.

Not a lot of time for feedback

but he's in a better place now.

Where your ad can't hurt him.

- Thanks, doctor.

My bad editing k*lled a man.

- Nothing we all haven't
done, so many times.

- Yeah, it's okay Zona.

- I just, I feel like I should
make something else for him.

- Maybe you should stop.

- I wish I could.

[upbeat tropical music]

- He was twenty-three?

- What a goddess.

- Thank you.

Doctor just called

he said barber Tom's sister
d*ed after watching this video.

I don't know why he called us.

- Perhaps, third
times the charm.

- Zona.

Zona.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- I'm gonna make one
for his mom.

- Zona!

- Oh boy!

What do I do next?

Time to turn on this water.

Now to put it on the stove.

- Gotcha!

[screams]

Wait. Why is the rat
also wearing a chefs hat?

- Because he's got a little
Owen controlling him.

[gasps]

- I did not see that coming.

- Try to get on my level.

Whoa, no!

- Do not pour so much water.

- Oh I can't.

On the stove.

Where's the heat?

[French cafe music]

Where is the heat?

- We don't have heat.

- We don't have heat?

- No.

[happy jazz music]

[Japanese pop music]