02x05 - Doodles Chips

[bunniefuu]

[♪ musical swirl ♪]

- Scrape! Scrape! Scrape!

Scrape! Scrape!

Scrape! [spits]

- Zona, can you talk to
him? You got us this job.

- Excuse me, sir.

I think there's been a
big misunderstanding.

- What's that?

- You're online ad said
you needed a film crew.

- Yeah, that's what I needed.

A crew to scrape the
film off my speedboat.

- We make videos.

- Why are you standing here

when you should care for
nothing but film scrapin'?

You want the 500 bucks or not?

Do you want 500 biggin'
in your pocket?

That's like 50 bucks
each of you!

Do you ever drive one of these?

Do you know what it's
like gong 40 miles an hour

over the river?

- No.

- Well, that's probably
you is uptight!

Get scrapin'!

- Man! We work and work
and we can't catch a break!

I'm never trusting
Greg's List again.

- Did you say Greg's List?
[phone beeping]

- At least she didn't
use Legs List.

Those legs do not know
how to run a website.

- I think this is what
rock bottom feels like!

- I don't know, man.

What about that one time we
filmed a conference all week

and they tried to pay
us in dance.

[soft gentle music]

- What about money?

[soft gentle music]

That's air.

[soft gentle music]

That's still air.

[soft gentle music]

- Keep the change.

- I still say we should've
taken it to the bank.

- It was air, Ryan!

- You never believe!

- Hey!

I ain't payin' for talkin',
boys.

Keep scrapin'!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did that dirty
up your fancy clothes there?

Well, I done won the lottery.
$286!

That's my whole message.
Keep scrapin'!

- What is this film anyways?
How did the boat get like this?

- It is a lot of film.

♪ We're gonna riding down road ♪

- I'm telling you, it
doesn't taste right!

I'm scared, okay!

- Don't eat the film, Micah.

- How else does he suppose
to know the truth, Owen?

I ask you!

- You're just mad you
can't eat the film

'cause of your baby stomach.

[rap music]

- It's called a microstomach,

and we agreed it was off
limits for jokes!

Just like speech impediments
and Zona's skin thing!

- Someone say
something about skin?

- I didn't say anything.
- Never.

- No, I don't know what skin is.

- No.

[Owen sighs]
[Micah sighs]

- Hey!

[group screams]

We just got an offer to
film a Kickstarter video

for a local chip
company for 20k!

- Did you just say 20k as
in k-thousand?

- Did you say chips as in
deliciously, crunchy chips?

- Did you say local as
in conveniently located?

- Did you just say...

I can't think of one.

- I can't believe it.

We finally-
- Did you just say...

I still can't think of one.

- But, Zona, that's a
ton of money.

For a Kickstarter video?

Last time we made one, we
only made $43.

- Actually, it was -97,
'cause Micah and I invested.

- You invested in
elevator toilets?

- Every elevator should
have a toilet.

- We got you covered whether
it's coming up or going down.

- Either way, this
local chip company

must be doing pretty well if
they can afford to pay us 20k.

- Are you dense? Or just stupid?

Scr-ape!

- Does this mean we can
ditch this horrible man?

- Please.
- I would like that very much.

- Come on. Where's your
integrity everyone?

We gotta finish what we started.

I'm totally kidding. Let's go!

- Hey! Oh. Hey!

No. No. You get back here.

- You have a lovely home.

- The legs from Legs List
warned me this would happen.

["Wicket Youth" by Sego]

♪ Make it mean anything,
oh, anything you want ♪

- Oh, I cannot believe they're
sending a car to pick us up.

So fancy!
- So legit!

We're finally doing a
job worth our talent.

- Does my hair look okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

[menacing music]

- Oh!
- Oh!

- What?

- Uh, we saw a bat.

- Two bats, actually.

- Yeah, they swooped
down and grabbed a boy.

- What? Oh, my gosh,
that's terrible!

We need to look for him.

- It's too late.

- Okay. Why?

- Is it too much?

I wanted to dress to impress.

- Where did you even get that,
Ryan?

- My grandma has me
break in all her clothes

because we're the same size.

I'll be right back.

- Looks like he got all of
the money in the divorce.

- Oh, Gandolfini coming in hot.

- [Owen] Whoa!

- He's actually super fast.

- Nah, he just speeds
up like that

when he thinks we're looking.

- [Zona] Hmm.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

[Gandolfini panting]

- He tries so hard.
- So hard.

- [gasps] I think this the car!

Wow!
- [gasps] Oh!

It's an average mini van.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

- And somebody's opening
the door for us!

- Doodles Chips
spares no expense.

- Yeah.
- Oh my, thank you!

♪ There's that doodle
make it go ♪

- [Devin] Thank you.

♪ Make that doodle, make it go ♪

- There's a box of warm
lunch way back here.

- They have refreshments!

Zona, do you think we
finally made it?

- I think we have. I
just feel so bad.

I mean, everything's
going our way

and meanwhile, those bats
are still on the loose

with that boy.

- Such a tragedy.

- No, these meats, though.
- Hmm.

- Are you eating the meat
from my kids' lunches?

- Why do you make their
lunches in the car?

- Do I ask you about
your home life?

- [Ryan] Wait for me.

- Is that your grandma's blouse?

- Thank you. We got
it at Gap Old.

- Did you hear what I said?

- Yeah, I like it too.

[upbeat music]

[cheerful music]

- Hi, welcome to Doodles!

- Oh, thank you.

- Oh, hello there! The bosses
are right down the hall.

- Cool. [chuckles]

- Hey there, slugger!

[Ryan laughing]

- Oh, how did he know
I wanted to be tickled?

- Seriously, that was
a bold move.

- That guy's just skipping.

This place just makes
people happy.

- We get to be happy!

[Zona laughing]

[Zona sobbing]

- People are looking, Zona.
Come on.

- Come on.
- It's just so new.

- Okay, that's where I always...

- It's the one and a two.
- You changed it from that.

Okay, and then yo gotta go-

- Hi.

- Hi!
- Oh, hi! There you are.

- [Sandy And Ted] Can you
shut the door, please.

- Oh, yes.

- I am so glad you can make it.

- Thank you for having us.

- I'm Sandy. This is Ted.

We're the joint CEOs of
Doodles Chips Incorporated!

- Are you two siblings?

[Sandy and Ted laughing]

- No.

We are a married couple.

But thanks for the compliment.

- You're welcome.

- Oh, it is so exciting
to finally meet

the Video Production Company.

Oh, we're big fans.

- You're big fans of us?

- Oh.

- Even Owen?
- Hey.

- Don't pretend like
you weren't thinking it.

- I was.

- We know you guys
are gonna k*ll

this Kickstarter video for us.

So here is your money.


- Oh.

- What?

- You're paying us before
we do the job?

- Sure, Owen. We trust ya.

[Ted and Sandy chuckles]

- [Owen] Would it be weird
if I ask you two to adopt me?

- No.
- Oh.

- I have parents but
they're trash.

- You are good enough.

- You're strong.
- You are amazing.

- You're a wonderful person.

- You are a warrior of light.

- [Ted] You are great.

- Your inner child
- You can do anything

you put your mind into.
- is happy.

- [Sandy] You have
everything you need

inside of you right now.

- [Ted] Plant your dreams
in the ground...

- And we will water them.

- Well, thank you.

Thank you.

Whoo.

- I hate how meetings
start that way so often.

- Who wants free Doodles?

- Oh, free anything.
- Okay.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh.

- Wow.
- Look at her face.

- Oh!

[Sandy and Ted shrieks]

- Can you marry a chip?
- Honey. Ooh.

- I don't care what the
law says, I'm doing it.

- I'm good. I had a lot of
warm lunch meat in the car.

- Oh.

- Oh, if I had a nickel,
I'd eat every time.

[Sandy and Ted laughing]

Hey, what do you say we
continue this party over here.

[Sandy laughs]

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- And we don't just make
delicious chips,

we make them for good causes.

For example, if you have
celiac disease,

you can have free
Doodles for life.

They're not gluten-free.

- For every bag of Doodles
Chips that you buy,

we'll donate one to a
child in a local hospital.

- We want little Theresa
to grow healthy and strong.

- So we won't stop donating
until she can bench 350.

- So donate to our
Kickstarter today.

Doodles Chips is a company
you'll be proud to support.

And we assure you
we're not a cult.

- Oh.

Um, good take.

I- I would suggest that
we cut the part

about not being a cult.

You know, 'cause it makes
me think that you're a cult.

- I said not a cult.

- Right.

- Yeah, we don't want
people to think that.

- Yeah.
- At all.

- I think that if you
put it in people's minds

they're gonna think that.

- [Ted] Okay.

- Maybe try saying not
a little louder, Ted.

- Not a cult!
- Yeah.

- We are not a cult!

- I juts maybe avoid
saying the word cult.

- Okay. We could sing.

We'll sing it. We can sing it.

- I don't think that's
gonna fix anything.

♪ We are not a cult ♪

- Cult feels like the
operative word here.

- Okay. We can...

We don't say-
- I'll do-

I'll do something different.

- Okay. Okay.

- We will not brainwash you.

- Okay. Why don't we take five?

- I think this is what it
feels like to be in showbiz.

[both laughs]

- You're like a movie star.

- Oh, stop it. Stop
it right now.

- Okay, quick check-in.

Everyone still
feeling comfortable

with this job, right?

- Yeah, they're a little
weird, but I'm torn though

because these chips are del...

Hmm!

- I'm still highly
okay with this.

They paid us 20k up front.

- I'm out. I don't like
their matching hairs.

- But they're in love, Devin.

- You can't trust one
bowl cut, let alone two.

- You have to stop assuming

everyone's hiding something,
Devin.

- Never!

Everyone is. And everything.

What are you hiding, tree?

[haunting music]

Oh, my...

[Devin grunts]

m*rder! m*rder tree!

[Devin screams]

- Wait. Is that why I caught
you drowning those pine cones?

[menacing music]

- Stop. Struggling.

I call that Devin Justice.

- Whatever, Devin.

You can go wait in the hall.
We're finishing this job.

- Yeah!

[chips rattling]

- Hands in.

One, two, three. Job!

- Suit yourselves.

- All right, let's keep going,
shall we?

[Devin sighs]

- Well...

At least I have these sticks
in my pocket to play with.

[Devin humming]

[ominous music]

Oh.

[ominous music]

Um, can I help you?

[ominous music]

[doors banging]

Calm me down, sticks.

[ominous music]

[Devin screaming]

Oh, these are amazing.
[screaming]

- If you donate over $50,

you can stay in our Doodles
Chips factory overnight

or of as long as we want.

- And if you donate over $100,

we'll teach you our
secret language.

- Do you think it's Spanish?
- I doubt it.

- Why don't we take
another five real quick?

- Sounds good.
- Yeah.

- Who wants water?

- No.
- Uh, we're good.

- But you love water.

- Thanks again for helping
us with this video.

I know it doesn't seem like
the Doodles need the money

but we're gonna need
a lot of funds

if we're gonna create a
global tragedy. [laughs]

- Global strategy.
- Yes.

- Would you just excuse for
a very small moment please?

Doodles is a cult to the max!
We gotta get out of here!

- Think of the 20k!

- But the closet man, Owen.

- He seemed fine.

- Chips should never
be this creepy.

Crackers, maybe. But not chips!

- Speaking of chips, you've
eaten a lot of those, Owen.

Is you're stomach okay?

[stomach grumbles]

- No.

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah. He just has a stomach
of an itty-bitty beetle.

- [Owen] Shut up, Ryan!

- I'm gonna pretend to
get an emergency call

and get us all out of here.

- No need to pretend.
I'll call you.

Hurry. You're gonna miss it.

- I'm afraid it's too late.

- What? How did you get in here?

- It went to voicemail.
Hey, Zona, it's Ryan.

- You've eaten the chips.
You're all Doodlers now.

[Zona, Micah and Ryan screaming]

- I'll call you back.

What'd I miss?

- The chips are drugged, Ryan!

- They should kick
in any minute.

- What?

Oh man, I can't wear my
drug-free promise ring now.

[ring clunks]

[Owen sighs]

- So sick of this. I
threw up every last chip.

You can't just let me have this?

- [Stomach] No.

- What?

- [Stomach] Nothing.

- Oh, good.

[door closes]

[ominous music]

Wha-

Hello?

[ominous music]

Devin! Oh, thank goodness.

Do you know where everyone is?

What are you wearing?

Is that a Doodles dress?
Man, I want a dress.

- Don't you see, Owen?

Doodles is life now.

[eerie music]

- Devin?

- Doodle!

[eerie music]

- Wait. Devin, where
are you going?

[eerie music]

- [Group] Doodles, Doodles,
crunchy, crispy, tangy, yummy.

- Oh, no.

- [Group] Hmm, chips, Doodles.

- No, no, no.

[hip-hop music]

That guy's pretty cool.

[ominous music]
[chips crunching]

[Owen yelps]

[Owen screaming]

I don't understand this cult!

They just eat chips?

- [Stomach] Oh, I don't
know, man. That was crazy.

- Wait. Our car isn't even here.

They drove us!

Why? [sobbing]

Why didn't they brainwash me?

Am I too ugly?

No!

No, no.

I am a child of light.

I am a dreamer and a schemer.

[stomach grumbles]

[gasps] I threw up
all their chips.

My microstomach saved me.

I was born for this!

[dramatic music]

- Praise be to Doodle.

- [Group] Doodly doo.

- Not so fast!

[all gasps]

- But...

We don't usually do it this way.

Why is this not affecting you?

- He looks just like the
man on the holy Doodle.

- [Sandy] He's the chosen one.

- [Group] The chosen one.

- Oh, the chosen one. Okay.

Your allegiance is very flimsy.

- [Group] Doodly doo.

- It's happening.
It's happening.

It really is. What is
your command?

- Uh, the chose one would like

to just take these four
people and just leave.

Forever.

- That is all that you desire?

- Um, I also desire you to
give them back their clothes.

Except for Ryan. Give him
non-grandmother clothes, please.

- It will be done. We'll
do it right now.

- Oh, and maybe a ride home.
I know that's asking a lot.

- He wants a ride home.
He wants to see our car.

- Nothing you ask
shall be denied.

- Could there be fruit
drinks in the car?

- Yes.

- And none of that
natural stuff. I squeezes.

- Of course.

- I can seriously ask
for anything?

- It is your birth right.

- Okay. Okay. Stay cool, Owen.

That's just a little
bit of power.

Don't let it run away with you.

Worship me.

- [Group] Doodly doo.

["Go Tell It on the Mountain"]

♪ Go, tell it on the mountain ♪

♪ Over the hills and
everywhere ♪

- Oh!

I feel awful.

- I know what you mean.
Like I'm only kind of happy.

It's terrible.

- What? Why do we have
so much mail?

- Oh!

I feel like I just ran a
marathon, but got fatter.

- How long have we been gone?

- Too long.

I can feel it in my bones,
and they're never wrong.

- Wow. Yeah. I also feel
weird. That's so crazy.

- Why are you wearing
so many rings?

- Hmm?

Who knows, my child.

- What did you call me?

- It's November? What?

We've been gone three months.

- The cover story is "Cult
Leader Bankrupts Chip Company

Crashes Ferrari into
River and Flees."

- What?

They should be writing
about news that matters.

You know? Like...

Like those bats and that
boy. Remember, Zona?

- Oh yeah, bat boy!
- No, no stay focused.

- It wasn't me.

- You kept us drugged
for three months.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

But let me make it up to you.

I can break dance for you
all. Doodles guy taught me.

Right? Is that doing
anything for you?

- I got a better idea.

- [All] Scrape! Scrape! Scrape!
Scrape!

- Come on. Are we even yet?

My entire right hand is
one blister now.

- Oh, is it blister?

Well, one filmy boat
down, seven more to go.

[group cheering]

- What did you do to
these boats, sir?

- That's for me to know,

and for you to find out only
if they test your urine.

[Devin chuckles]

- [All] Scrape! Scrape!
Scrape! Scrape! Scrape!

♪ Scrape it all down,
scrape it all down ♪

♪ Scrape it all down,
scrape it all down ♪

♪ Scrape it all down ♪

♪ Scrape it all down the river ♪

♪ Scrape it all down ♪

- Hey!

You don't dance!

You scrape!
- That's right.

This guy gets it.

- Anybody want more
alligator yolk?

[menacing music]

[Devin shushes]

- Just let it happen.
Just let it happen.

Come on.

[menacing music]

It's finished.

[menacing music]

[upbeat music]