02x02 - Zona and Bike Boy

[bunniefuu]

[♪ musical swirl ♪]

- There have been an
alarming number

of car thefts in the city,

so we're advising everyone to
keep their car doors locked

and park in well lit areas.

Yes.

- What response is your
department planning?

- We can't disclose
that right now,

but it's a big operation.

Yes.

- How many officers
are on the case?

- The entire force is involved
with this in some capacity.

Yes.

- Have you ever used one
of those ninja stars?

- No, I've not had
the privilege.

- Can you tell us where
these thefts have occurred?

- The majority have
been centered

around the Lexington
neighborhood.

- What about a ninja smoke b*mb?

- I really don't know
that much about ninjas,

so I'm not sure.

- Are specific types
of cars being targeted?

- No pattern has been
established.

- Have you ever used
poison to k*ll somebody

in Feudal Japan?

- All right, that'll be all.

Make sure these ninja jokers
lose their press credentials.

- Mm hmm, let's go.

- Get her!

[press members coughing]

[playful music]

- [Micah] Nice moves back there,
Owen.

- [Owen] Right?

We're way more ninja
than the police.

Are your lungs okay, Ryan?

I'm sorry I threw the smoke
b*mb so close to your face.

- [Ryan] No worries, I've been
breathing a lot of asbestos

at the new place, so my
lungs are extra strong

these days.

[Ryan wheezing]

- [Zona] Did we get all
the sh*ts we need?

- If what we need is a
very frightening news story

about car nappers then yes.

- It's not that frightening,
Ryan.

- Well, we have different
standards on this

and I've come to terms with it.

- Great, Micah and Ryan can
get that to the news station

this afternoon.

Should we stop for
grocies first?

- I keep asking you to
stop calling them that.

- [Devin] And I keep
telling her to keep it up,

so is this the hill you
wanna be dead on today?

- Overreaction.

And no.

- Good cause I'm
running outta hills

and I'm saving you for
something special.

- I mean, shopping
sounds great to me,

let's grab grocies.

[Owen shushing]

- All right, auto robots,
let's roll out.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- [Jim] No, no, no.

I'm sorry, I got distracted.

- Yeah, you're distracting.

- Stop, you are.

Anyways, I'm Jim.

- I'm Zona.

- Really? Zona?

- Yeah.

- What a fun name.

- Oh yeah, well, my
parents really like

the Cohen brothers, so.

- Ahhh, are these the brothers?

- Oh no, those are my
friends, I mean, associates.

- Cool, well, I've
gotta get going,

but it's great to meet you,
Zona.

- Yeah, yes, great to meet you.

Bike boy.

- Didn't he say his name?

- He definitely said his name.

- Hey, dream boat.

What you dreaming about?

- Boats, right?

I get it.

- Zona, did you know that guy?

- No, but I think she'd like to.

- No, stop.

- We're not gonna.

- Do I hear wedding bells?

- Yeah, Lil' Jon.

- No, no, stop seriously.

- Gonna have little babies.

- Oh the littlest ones.

- I just love you so much.

- I love you so much.

- Let's go Zon.

Oh, come on.

Take us away from here.

- I'm trying.

- Hey chief.

- What do we got?

New reports are in, four
more incidents.

Two cars off of Briar.

One off of Bluebird,

one out of the shaky
diner parking lot.

- Well, this isn't your
mama's chess game anymore.

Gatlin, how's operation
cage bird coming along?

- [Gatlin] Anderton just
finished the final checks.

The car will automatically
lock and come back here

when the perp gets in,
we're ready to launch.

- Ain't no party like
your mama's chess party.

- What?

- Anderton, I need you in
civilian dress.

We need you out
there right away.

- [Anderton] Yes, sir.

- All right.

We have a collective $12.

So everyone look out for
bargain basics and stop

by the water fountain
on your way out.

- Yep.

- For real girl, I
sense some serious vibes

between you and Mr. Bike dude.

- He was cute.

- Vibes don't lie.

- Okay, Micah, I know you
think that you're good at vibes

but you're not.

Well, I mean the
food's never good

but you go for the cover band
and for the karaoke and yeah.

- Okay I'm getting
major vibes here.

Should I leave you two alone?

- That's my dad.

I will never trust your vibes.

- Okay you're right

but it's not gonna stop me.

- So, do you think he's the one?

- I don't know, Ryan.

I mean, I just met him
for a moment.

- Don't you worry Zona,
you're a catch.

It's like my grandma
always says,

That Zona, she's a keeper.

- Grandma said that?

- And it's like Devin said once,

Zona's fine.

- What did you say
to her snitch?

- Hee-hee.

- They're out of the
raisin bars you like Zona.

- Oh suck town.

All right, I'm gonna go check
the vending machines outside.

I need me some shriveled
grapes and I need '''''em now!

- I got a pocket, got a
pocket full of dog food.

I got a love and I know
where it's dog food.

Yeah.

- Oh, hey Zona.

- Hi, do you frequent
this vending machine too?

- Oh, are you serious?

- Selection's pretty wide.

- Listen, I wanted to
give this to you before.

- A hemorrhoid prescription?

- Oh no, no, no, no.

It's my number.

If you want to call
it some time.

- Oh.

- Preferably before 9:00 PM.

- You like going to
bed early too?

- As my dad always said,

an early rest keeps you
at your best.

- Makes the booty go clap.

Best.

- Awesome.

Well, I'll see you later Zona.

- Okay.

- Was that bike boy again?

- I think he likes me.

- It's on the back of a
hemorrhoid prescription.

- Oh, that's big.

That is big.

- It's ointment though.

Not pills.

- Oh, okay.

- Do you think it's too
soon to call him?

- Yeah, it's been four minutes.

- If you wanna play it cool,

you have to wait a year.

- Hi, it's Zona.

We're going for a ride later.

- Yeah, we know what a
bike ride is.

- Why is she peddling
with her hands?

- I don't trust this Devin.

Boy thing this
immediately into Zona?

I mean, has he met her?

- It's like no one
ever just says

like I love relish, but I do.

- That's not even the issue.

- Yes it is.

- No, the issue is a hemorrhoid
guy biking everywhere.

Now, that is suspect.

- I could bike with hemorrhoids.

- I think we both know
what we need to do.

- Yeah.

- 1, 2, 3 break.



- Ooh, we just got paid to
deliver a news story, Ryan.

- I know, I got us these hats.

We're news boys now.

- No way.

Watch out news boys.

We're you.

Go, go, go, go make the paper,

roll the paper,

deliver the paper, make
the paper come.

And we're going to town.

We are news boys.

And we're shaking it down

and then we take the paper,

roll the paper.

- Micah, that woman just
left her car on.

- Oh, dang her loss.

In this town there are
two railroads

and we live on the
wrong side of both.

- Oh we have to do is something.

You know me.

My blood is 60% helping.

- What's the other 40%?

- AB negative, it's the
same as Elmos.

- Oh, well regardless,

don't go over there.

- I'm not in control.

- No, no, no.

Ryan, Ryan, look at me.

I know the world is a crazy
place, but you have to trust me.

Sometimes we just
shouldn't get involved.

- But Micah if not now, who?

If not us, when?

When?

Besides, shouldn't you
be more worried

that the news
building is on fire?

- What?

Why would you even?

What?

Ryan don't touch that car.

- Micah!

- Ryan?

What did you do?

- Nothing, I just tried
to pull out the key.

- Hey, got ya.

- No, listen, we were just
trying to help.

- Yeah chief we got '''em.

One man mid-thirties, the
other, I can't really place.

I might be too old to
drive or, or, or too young.

He is shirtless.

- Deviance.

- Bring him in.

- Yes, sir.

- Taking the chest
train to mama town.

- Sir, your radio is still on.

- Taking the chest
train to mama town.

- We can just talk at
the station sir.

- You gotta get outta here,
drive!

- I can't, there
aren't any peddles.

- What kinda car is this?

No, no, no, no, no no.

- What?

- What's happening?

- What?

- No, no.

I can't believe we're
getting Toys R Us'ed

straight to prison.

- We've gotta be strong
in there, Ryan.

They're gonna try to break
us but do not let them.

It was him.

I don't even know how to drive.

- Okay, calm down, all right.

We just need to talk.

- I'll never talk.

I'll steal a hundred
cars before you make me.

You hear me?

A hundred!

- Yeah, the beans growing,

the yeah, beans.

Yeah.

Inside's not as fun as outside.

- No.

- I agree.

I mean, I spend most of
my time inside.

- Oh really?

- But I'm like, I hate it.

You know? I love outside.

- Yeah, it's cool.

- I'm an outdoor girl.

- Feel free to wrap your
arms around my waist,

if that's more comfortable.

- Okay.

Okay.

- That better?

- Yes.

- I mean, has he met her?

- Maybe he hasn't.

- Well, I mean,
obviously they've met.

- After him!

- Okay you gotta use your
foot like a Flintstone,

come on.

There we go.

Yes. Yes.

- Got it.

- Listen boys, this can
go down one of two ways.

- I pick the hard way.

- I've had enough of this punk.

Where are you keeping the cars?

- I'll eat your face.

- Chief, their fingerprints
don't match this evidence.

- I don't understand.

So, you two don't steal cars?

- If you gon' catch me
outside, I just might

- Ryan, they don't
think we did it.

- Oh really?

Oh, I'm so sorry, your honor.

- Stop, you're so strong.

- Stop.

- Also inappropriate.

- We were just trying to
help the person

who left their car running.

- This case just got
more complicated.

Chess.

- Are you kidding me?

We have a composite
police sketch based

on recent descriptions.

You know him?

- Sweet Martha Jean.

- So did Martha steal the cars?

- All right.

Now we follow him back

to his place and figure out
what he wants with Zona.

- Why are you so bothered Owen?

I mean, I don't trust him
because nobody's good enough

for my baby Z but
what do you care?

- I don't wanna see her
duped outside the family.

Nobody dupes her but us.

- Ahh!

- And I got roaches.

- We can't tolerate
outside dupers.

- I think I get it.

It's like Vin Diesel says,

when you're here, you're family.

- Exactly.

Ain't no way bike boy
messes with one of our...

- Owen?

Owen I can see you.

What, are you and Devin
spying on me?

- Devin's not even with me.

That's nothing.

- What are you?

I already saw you.

We literally just talked.

- Hey guys, you're
friends with Zona, right?

- Oh we're onto you bike boy.

We know that you want
something with Zona,

but we don't know what.

- You lied about
having hemorrhoids.

A very weird thing to lie about.

- Oh, I get it.

So a cute, nice guy could
never be into Zona right?

Well, we had an amazing
conversation.

- No they're right.

Look, this dumb tandem
bike is exhausting.

So yeah, at first I did
seek you out for your strong

meaty looking thighs to
help me pedal.

- Oh.

- But then I realized
you had such a big heart

and that that would also
help with the biking.

- Okay.

- But then I got to know you

and your amazing personality.

So, I hope you can forgive me

because I really like you.

- Well, I don't love
that you used me

to run all your errands.

Especially since you
bought all those hams

and I had to balance
them on my lap,

but I like you too bike boy.

- Do you not know my name?

- Wow, I'm sorry Zona.

I didn't mean to...

- There you are, thought
you could run a car napping

right under our noses?

- We trusted you Owen.

- What are you talking about?

- We've been deputized,
all right.

The police told us
about your crimes.

- What are you two doing?

This is not the car thief.

That's the car thief.

- Hell you vanilla boys
look the same.

- Peace out suckers.

- Wait, bike boy was just
trying to steal our car?

Nothing tipped you off?

- So, do you park your
car in a garage?

- Just on the street.

- You keep it locked?

- Nope, lock's broken.

- Perfect.

- What?

- I said perfect.

- No, not really.

- Our perps getting away.

- Not so fast.

- He's mine.

- Yes, use the thighs.

- Ohh.

- Oh my hemorrhoids.

- Oh no.

- Why would you even want to
steal our piece of junk car?

- I have stolen so many cars

and romance so many buff women.

I just do it for the thrill now.

- Well, you're gonna have
to get used to

carrying your own
hams in prison.

If they even have ham.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, they probably do.

- No, ham for you.

- I'm proud of you boys.

You did your town right.

Chess you later mamas.

- You guys really
thought this was me?

Should I start stealing cars?

- You look like a
sicklier Walmart version.

- This is me now.

- You okay Zona?

- I'm okay.

I've always thought
love is for suckers and

this just confirmed it.

- If love is for suckers,
then count me in.

- Aww man bring it here
you're family.

- Bring it here you're family!

- And idea how fast
you were going?

Got a runner.

- Good day to you.

- We're here to help.

- You can do anything.

- Hello, children.

- Do hugs, not dr*gs.