05x22 - Felony voting disenfranchisement

[bunniefuu]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.

Just in time for a quick recap
of the week,

and it has been a dramatic one
for President Trump.

A flesh vessel possessed
by the world's 30 dumbest ghosts.

On Wednesday, an unnamed
senior white house official

wrote an op-ed in the "Times"
claiming Trump's actions are

"detrimental to the health
of our republic."

Trump immediately pushed back,
tweeting "TREASON?" in all caps,

and then att*cked
the anonymous writer at a rally.

The latest act of resistance

is the op-ed published
in the failing New York Times

by an "anominoussss"...

Really an "anominousss" gutless coward.

You know, I don't like
Trump's policies, ideas, or demeanor,

but I do like how he occasionally
sounds like a Teddy Ruxpin

someone fished out of a lake.

Trump is now reportedly obsessed
with finding out the "anonymish" source,

although his problem is it seems like

it could be almost anyone
who works for him.

Because this week also saw
expl*sive excerpts

from Bob Woodward's upcoming book,

in which General Mattis
is quoted as saying

"Trump has the understanding
of a fifth or sixth-grader",

and John Kelly reportedly says,
"We're in Crazytown.

I don't even know why
any of us are here.

This is the worst job I've ever had."

Now, both men deny
making those statements,

and I'm absolutely sure
that Kelly loves his job.

He seems so happy
whenever you see him.

Although, to me,
the book's most incredible claim

is that John Dowd,
the president's then-Lawyer,

went directly to Robert Mueller
and told him

"Trump was such a disaster
during a practice interrogation

that he couldn't possibly
allow him to testify."

Woodward quotes Dowd as saying

during a March 5th meeting
with Mueller,

"I'm not going to sit there
and let him look like an idiot.

And you publish that transcript
because everything leaks in Washington

and the guys overseas
are going to say,

"I told you he was an idiot.

I told you he was a g*dd*mn dumbbell."

That is incredible.

That is the President's own lawyer
telling a prosecutor,

a prosecutor,

that his client would be
so stupid under questioning

it would be a genuine
National Security concern.

While Dowd also denies
those comments,

let's just appreciate for a moment
how charming it is

to call anyone a "g*dd*mn dumbbell."

It's so much more delightful
than "idiot", or "dipshit"

or "f*cking moron."

"Dumbbell" just puts a fun
cartoon image in your head.

Anyway, the President is a disaster
and we're all going to die.

Meanwhile, the week was dominated
by the confirmation hearings

of controversial supreme court nominee,
Bret Kavanaugh.

He's extremely conservative,

and widely seen as being
a serious threat to,

among many other things,

abortion rights.

The problem is, beyond a wildly
improbable defection,

republicans have the votes
to get him confirmed.

And one sign of that

is that while the democrats'
questioning was furious,

republicans didn't even seem
to be trying to vet him.

I do, however, have a very important
question for you.

You use a sharpie.

And it's not a fine-tip sharpie.

It's a regular sharpie
that might smudge.

Why do you prefer that pen?
I'm just dying of curiosity.

So I can see it.

It's nothing scientific.

That is a perfect mic drop moment.

Is it?

Is it though?

I don't think senator Mike Lee knows
what a "mic drop" moment is.

Unless he means a "mike drop",
in the sense that

"Senator Mike Lee really dropped
the charade

that he gives a shit
about doing his job."

In which case, yes,
total mike drop, Mike.

You really dropped that one.

Part of the concern here is that

Kavanaugh could be
on the court for decades.

Because it's a lifetime appointment.

And this might be a good time to ask
"Why that is the case?",

because it's extremely unusual.

A lot of other countries follow
our supreme court's pattern

of validating laws.

None of them have life tenure.

There is not a judge in the world
in any democracy

who sits on the highest court
of their land

and has life tenure.

Exactly.

Lifetime appointments
to the highest court

is one of those things
that is uniquely american.

Like the Super Bowl,
or drinking Budweiser

or tolerating Sean Penn.

No one else understands
why americans do those things.

And if you think about it,
it is a little weird.

For one thing, when the constitution
was written,

life expectancy was much shorter

and justices retired much younger.

Now they hang around for so long
that whenever people talk about them,

it's with a morbid overtone.

I think if you're a democrat,

you are praying even more

for Ruth Bader Ginsburg
and her health.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 83.

Everybody is watching her certainly.

Presumably Ginsberg and Breyer
will try to last

throughout Trump's term.

But, you know, 83 is 83.

She's had a lot of health problems.

Exactly, people are constantly
speculating on TV

about Ruth Bader Ginsburg's health.

It may be why
the new documentary about her

prominently features
her workout routine, which,

depending on your perspective,
either fills you with hope

or makes you worry
that she might be crushed

by a g*dd*mn dumbbell.

Her personal trainer even wrote a book
called "The RBG workout."

And, look, you might laugh
at that idea,

but I've actually tried it, and do I
or do I not have the muscle tone

of a birdlike elderly woman?

Exactly.

The program works.

And look, there are lots of proposals
for how term limits could work.

Under one, justices would serve


and they would be spaced out

so that each presidential term
would be guaranteed two picks.

That kind of makes sense.

And interestingly, the arguments
against this are pretty weak.

Some claim this would politicize
judicial appointments,

a ship that I would argue
has emphatically sailed at this point.

Others argue that justices
accrue wisdom with experience.

And while that can be true,
you also run the risk of them

staying past the point
that they can mentally do their job,

and that has happened,
as one former clerk explains.

The term "I clerked",

which was the last term
of chief justice burger,

I think six of the justices
were in their 80s.

And I will tell you,
they were not all there.

And it was not
that the law clerks stepped in

and then we did what we wanted.
We didn't.

In a way, that might have
almost been better.

What we did is, we would extrapolate
from their past opinions

where we thought
they would want to go.

Now, just think about
what he's saying there.

Law clerks were reverse
engineering decisions

based on justices' past rulings.

That is not good.

You don't want hospital interns
saying to a patient,

"Listen, the doctor
is a little out of it today,

but the last time someone came in here,
he amputated their arm,

so let's just go with that,
shall we?"

Look, some argue that
it would just be too difficult,

as it may require
a constitutional amendment.

But over 60% of voters
favor term limits,

including two-thirds of democrats
and 58% of republicans.

And I know that
amending the Constitution is hard.

It is supposed to be hard.

But that doesn't mean
that it can't be done.

You know, a long time ago,
everyone told a certain british author

that a story about a dorky little boy
with glasses

going to wizard school
would never work.

But those people were wrong.

because that british author's name was
John f*cking Oliver.

That's right.

That's right.

"The Adventures of Johnny Abracadabra:
The Pale Wizard Boy

Who Likes to Stay Inside and Read"

is going to take the world by storm
any minute now

once I've ironed out
some legal issues we have.

The point is,

seeing as most of americans
want supreme court term limits,

let's just collectively
Johnny Abracadabra this shit

and put them in place once and for all,

if only so that history
doesn't look back at us

like a bunch of g*dd*mn dumbbells.

And now this.

And now,

a salute to summer festivals.

The Annual Florida Interstate Mullet Toss
has returned.

Thousands will be flocking
to the weekend party

where you get a chance to throw
a dead fish across the state line.

It´s day 3 of the Shrimp
and Petrolium Festival in Morgan City.

The Humungus Fungus Festival
is back in Crystal Falls.

I´m here at the 48th Annual Opossum Festival
with my friend Petey.

The 21st Annual Coffin Races.

The 16th Annual
Frozen Dead Guy Days.

44th Annual Cow Chip Festival.

This is the Annual Moon M-Track Day.

The Annual Chitlin Strut.

The Annual Testical Festival.

The Annual Roadkill Cook-Off.

National Hollerin´Contest.

Bat Fest still going on right now.

It´s Austins very weird way of showing
our love for the nocturnal creatures.

We want to make sure people understand,
they are not a scary creature.

They are important,
if there weren´t bats

there would be so many in this world
we would not have.

Moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns
"Voting".

For adults, one of the few
remaining activities

for which you still get a sticker.

The midterm Elections
are just two months away,

when every citizen of voting age

will have their chance to be heard,
even this guy.

"Thing" is the category,
and Vanna,

when you're ready.

Edgar.

Fish love?

"Fish love."

Sorry, Edgar,
but the category was "Thing",

so the answer we were looking for
was "fish lube."

It´s the thing you want use
when you want to f*ck a fish.

"Fish lube."

Better luck next time, Edgar.

The fact is, while that fish-fucker may
be able to cast a vote,

a surprisingly large amount of people
are barred from doing so.

It's estimated that more than
six million americans

are barred from voting

because of felony
disenfranchisement laws.

It's true, 6 million people
are unable to vote

because at some point in their life,
they committed a felony.

That is a lot.

For perspective, that's like
if you took all the people

who bought a copy of Robin Thicke's
divorce opera "Paula",

and then added almost 6 million
more people.

And look, if any of you
are thinking at this point,

"Well, who really gives a shit
if convicted felons can't vote?"

You, frankly, wouldn´t be alone.

If they committed crimes,
are they the best people to judge

some of these laws
that are to be passed?

Would we rather live in a society
where there are no consequences

for our actions?

I just think that they've done
something wrong,

so I don't really think
they should be allowed to be voting

in our President and stuff like that.

Oh.

Oh, you don't, do you?

You think, if someone makes a mistake,

it should follow them
for the rest of their life,

whether they were convicted
of marijuana possession

or went to brunch dressed
like a tj maxx janis joplin?

I get it.
I get it.

But the fact here is,
many lawmakers actually agree with her.

Here is Mitch McConnell arguing
that keeping felons from voting

is a public safety issue.

We are talking about rapists,
murderers, robbers,

and even t*rrorists or spies.

Do we want to see convicted t*rrorists
who seek to destroy this country

voting in elections?

Okay, first, t*rrorists are not voting.
Are they?

They're all about making giant
violent points

that get everyone's attention,

not lining up in a public
school gymnasium to write in

"!sis" for the School Board.

And second, the most recent analysis
found only 18% of felony convictions

were for violent crimes of any sort.

Meaning the vast majority
were for non-violent offenses

like property or drug crimes.

And for those who've served
their sentence

but are still unable to vote,

this situation is understandably
frustrating.

At what point do we break the cycle?

At what point are we able to say,
"Hey, you know what?

I am citizen enough.

You want me to work,
you want me to pay taxes,

you want me to make sure
I take care of my family,

but yet I can't vote.

So am I citizen or am I not a citizen?"

Yeah, he's got a point,

because that man is suffering taxation
without representation.

And historically, that's been a bit
of a sticking point for America.

I'm pretty sure I learned
about that in school,

something about "the american savages
threw tea into the water

without even have the common decency
to add a splash of milk."

So tonight, let's look
at felony disenfranchisement,

and one state in particular,

because the 6 million
disenfranchised voters

are not evenly distributed
around the country.

In most states,
people with felony convictions

automatically regain
their voting rights at some point.

There are only a few
where they do not.

And the worst state of all
concerning this

and arguably everything else,
is Florida.

Around 1.5 million of its citizens,

nearly 10% of its adult population,

have completed sentences
for felony convictions

but still can't vote.

And given the inequities
of our justice system,

that burden is disproportionately felt
by african-americans,

because in Florida,
over one in five black adults

cannot vote.

That is staggering.

It may be the dumbest thing
about Florida,

which is frankly impressive,

considering stories like these.

Only in Florida
would an underwear-clad man

go for a walk in the rain
with his pet goat.

Also, if you can tell there,

he's playing a harmonica.

Check out this video showing a genius
steering his motorcycle

with his feet in Jacksonville.

Only in florida does
a creature this adorable

become a bloodthirsty fur demon.

All of a sudden,
he jumped on the kayak,

and two seconds later,
he jumped on me.

The viral video shows Robbie Stratton
running through a convenience store

with an alligator in his hands.

No recollection
of that happening at all?

At all.
This store sells some good liquor.

And I drank a lot of it that night.

Okay, everything about that guy
is absolutely fascinating,

but I think I'm most interested
in the fact that he was drunk

at the store
where he bought the liquor.

Did he buy the liquor, leave,
drink it, fetch an alligator,

and then return to the same store?

Did he drink the liquor at the store,
at which point an alligator walked in?

Or did he get drunk
and then meet a sober alligator

who was having a bad day,

wanted to have a couple of drinks
and the guy said,

"I know just the place, alligator?"

I don't know.

The point is it's Florida,
so all options are equally plausible.

Here's the thing,
the fact is,

Florida is the disenfranchisement capitol
of America.

So how did that happen?

Well, for starters,
a post-civil w*r change

to their constitution
stripped all convicted felons

of their voting rights for life.

And while Florida's governor
can restore those rights,

the current one,
Rick Scott,

seen here auditioning for the role
of "happy pencil" in all my nightmares,

he has made this process
much more difficult.

Because while the governor before him
made regaining voting rights

close to a*t*matic for many
non-violent offenses,

Scott implemented a system
where you have to wait five to seven years

just to apply to get your vote back.

Then submit an application.

Then wait more.

Then, in many cases,
have to travel to Tallahassee,

Which no one should ever have to do,
under any circumstances,

to argue your case in person.

These obstacles are ridiculous
and unnecessary,

and this is how Scott justified them.

Look, if you are a convicted felon,

part of what you did is
you lost your rights.

And so you ought to,

there ought to be a process
if you're going to get those rights back.

And I think it's fair
to the rest of the citizens

in the state,
and they'll see a process

that they know will work.

Right, except there is a process
for paying your debt to society

and getting your rights back.

It's called
"serving your f*cking sentence".

You're just tagging shit on the end.

It's like someone finishing a triathlon,

only for Scott to then say,
"No, it's a quad-athlon.

Now you have to learn mandarin."

It doesn't really seem fair.

And it's honestly worth
taking a look at this process,

because it's absolutly insane.

Applications are judged
by a clemency board

made up of Rick Scott
and members of his cabinet,

seen here looking
like the only local news team

you somehow know
aren't f*cking each other.

And if you do end up in front of them,

you're given ten minutes to prove
that you have turned your life around.

They then question you
before making a decision

that seems completely arbitrary.

And it seems that way
because it is.

Scott begins meetings
by making that painfully clear.

This is a board of clemency,
okay?

There is no law we're following.

The law had already been followed
by the judges.

So we get to make our decisions
based on our own beliefs.

There's no standards.

Each of us have the right opportunity
to make a decision

based on what we believe.

This is a court of mercy.

It's not a court,
there's no,

if you walk up and say,
"I deserve something",

that's not how this works.

We, there is no,
there is absolutely no standards.

So we can make
any decision we want.

You know,
I'm sure that's true,

it's just weird to hear it
said out loud,

in the same way it would be weird
to hear the CEO of Kraft Foods say,

"We don't actually know
what Velveeta is.

It fell from space in the 1950s

and has been spawning
in a lab ever since.

Before we package it,
we take out the teeth and eyes,

but we're starting to think
that makes it angry."

And look, because there are
no formal standards,

the Committee can decide
what's important

and can focus on things as petty
as moving violations.

What we're trying to figure out is,

is that have people changed their lives?

- Right?
- Right.

And that's, so,
so getting traffic tickets all the time,

to, if you sit up here,
your first reaction is,

well, do they really respect
the law, right?

Right.

I mean, that might be
your first reaction.

To be honest,
my first reaction is,

why are Rick Scott's glasses
not near the eyes part of his head?

And how have they not fallen off
his nose by now?

And look, it is not just
your driving record under scrutiny.

Your personal life
is very much on the table,

and one board member,
Florida CFO Jimmy Patronis,

seems to have a specific idea of where
that personal life should be conducted,

because there's one question
that he asks a lot.

- Y'all go to church?
- Y'all go to church?

- Y'all go to the church together?
- Ma'am, where do y'all go to church?

- Do you go to church?
- And go to church?

"Do you go to church?"

Now, if the answer to that question
is important,

that is f*cked up.

And if it's not,
why are you constantly asking it?

Either you're factoring religious habits
into your evaluation

of whether someone should be able to vote

or you're making
a list of people's houses

that would be easy to rob
on a sunday morning.

And neither is a good use
of the panel's time.

And once you've jumped
through all of these hoops,

your fate is in the hands of a panel
who do not have to explain

their reasoning to you.

Just watch Leon Gillis.

He had served time for robbery
and drug convictions

but had been clean for eight years
and was running a drug rehab program

when he made his case
to the board in 2011.

Rick scott actually commended him
for the progress that he'd made,

and then said this.

So at this point I'm going
to deny restoration of civil rights.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, sir.

How long is that?

I'm not sure.

I, um,
you know,

I think every case is different.

Well, what should I do with my life then?

If I'm doing everything
I'm supposed to do and I'm trying,

and I'm making sure that I do
the right thing I'm supposed to do,

then how long am I supposed to wait?

I couldn't tell you that answer
but if, uh,

today I don't feel comfortable doing it.

Okay.

Thank you, sir.

And that was it.

He refused to restore someone's
civil rights

without demonstrating much more
of a reason than,

"I dunno, I guess
I'm just not feeling it right now."

And the thing is,
even if this process was perfect,

which it is not,
it can't handle the volume.

The panel only meets four times a year,

and there are too many cases
for them to review.

Also, while Scott's predecessor restored
the voting rights of over 155,000 people

in his four-year term,
Scott is only averaging around 400 a year.

And that is meaningful,
especially in a state

where elections tend to have
very narrow margins.

Trump only won Florida
by 100 thousand votes.

And President Bush, famously,
won it by just 537.

But there's actually some
genuinely good news here.

Florida has a chance to fix this.
A real chance.

There is a constitutional amendment
on their ballot this November

that would bring Florida in line
with many other states.

If it passes,
people with felony convictions,

except in the cases of m*rder
or sex crimes,

would get the right to vote
after completing their sentence.

That could give as many
as 1.4 million people

the right to vote.

But it is by no means
a foregone conclusion.

The amendment needs
a 60% majority to pass.

So if it's okay with everybody,

I would like to speak directly
to the people of Florida for a second.

Hi there, Florida.

Let's try and get comfortable
with each other, shall we?

I know,
I know that,

I know that we make fun
of you a lot, Florida,

because of all the stupid things
that happen where you live.

And you're probably expecting me
to steer away from all that

and appeal to your innate goodness
and sense of reason.

But I'm not going to do that.
Instead, I'd like to double down

and suggest that it's precisely
because of all that glorious stupidity

that you should innately appreciate
the value of second chances.

I mean,
come on Florida.

You're Florida,
a state that has seen the headlines,

"Florida restaurant no longer allows
'Monkey Mondays'

after animal bit 8-year-old boy",

and "Florida bestiality law
does not ban oral sex with animals",

and "Florida gas station robbed,
suspect appeared to have drawn-on beard,

Which I would say is probably true,
given that this was the beard.

And yes,
yes, floridians,

you do make mistakes,
but it's also in your nature

to help one another recover,
as you can tell from the headline

"Good samaritan helps florida man
who accidentally shot himself in the penis."

You come through for each other!

Even this song,
your state song,

speaks to your ability to screw up
and bounce back.

The original lyrics to this
had to be changed

because they were too r*cist.

And somehow,
it still sounds r*cist today,

even in instrumental form.

The point is,
this November, Florida,

you have got a real chance

to remedy a mistake
and do something genuinely good

for over a million of your citizens.

So please,
on November 6th,

for one day,
just one day,

don't take your goat for a walk
in your underwear,

stay away from any bitey otters,
draw a fake beard on yourself,

and go cast a vote
on behalf of all your fellow floridians

who are unable to.
Please do it.

Cheers, florida.

Cheers.

And now this.

And now.

It's that time of year again...

It´s the unofficial start of fall
at Starbucks

with the return
of the Pumpkin Spice latte.

Holy f*cking shit!
It´s Pumpkin Spice Latte Time!

It´s that time of year again.
Pumpkin Spice season is almost upon us.

Yeah!!!!!!!!!!

You know how much Jim Cramer
loves Pumpkin Spice lattes!

I have a question for you.

Why do we love Pumpkin Spice products
so much?

f*ck you, Dr. Oz!

Real doctors know it´s because
Pumpkin Spice lattes are delicious!

Is this Spice Latte hot or cold,
I'm not a starbucks fan.

- It´s hot, right?
- It´s how you order it baby.

You can get it however you want.

Shes right!
Pumpkin Spice lattes contain multitudes!

But I think that when you hear
Pumpkin Spice coming back,

you have to believe the summer
is almost over.

I don't want to think
about that right now.

- I´m in denial about that.
- Me too.

You can't deny the cruel
and indifferent task of time!

Maria Bartiromo!
Pumpkin Spice lattes are upon us!

Starbucks is getting ready for fall

when you can order
the Pumpkin Spice latte.

They are going to make it year-round
at some point.

- They just got to.
- Wait until they make it intravenous.

Hell Yeah!
Slam a Pumpkin Spice latte into my veins!

Finally tonight,

Finally tonight,

I'd like to talk for a moment
about "Space",

basically,
a few points of interest

separated by a terrifying expanse
of frozen nothingness.

Think of it like North Dakota,
but significantly blacker.

Last week,
the International Space Station

had a bit of a scare.

We're learning
that the International Space Station

apparently has sprung a leak.

Mission control noticed pressure
on board the station

started dropping slowly.

They alerted astronauts on board
who found a tiny hole

the size of a dime.

The solution,
what else,

high-tech duct tape.

"What else?"

I don't know,
I was hoping lots of other things.

Your first answer to

"What should we use to fix the hole
in the Space Station?"

shouldn't be the same stuff I would use
to fix a broken leg on a cat.

although, seeing as my first answer to
"How should you fix a cat?" was that

I might not be the one you want
to turn to for engineering questions.

Look, this is clearly
extremely frightening.

And experts
initially believed that the hole

was caused
by a micro-meteorite strike.

But this week,
the story took a dramatic turn.

The hole found
in the International Space Station

may have been an inside job.

Experts warning a homesick astronaut

could have deliberately
drilled a hole in the satellite,

forcing everyone
to return to Earth early.

Holy shit!

Well,
if you were wondering

what sits at the center
of the Venn Diagram

of the wild speculation on Fox News
and topics of Elton John songs,

we've found it,
and it's "homesick astronaut."

But the thing is, they're actually
only slightly exaggerating there,

because Russia's space agency
did announce

that the hole appeared to be drilled

by what they described as
"a human hand"

and didn't rule out
deliberate interference in space.

And obviously,
that is an expl*sive allegation,

because the implication
is that one of these six astronauts,

professionals at the very top
of their field,

may have drilled the hole
on purpose.

That is a space crime.

And that kind of speculation
isn't just irresponsible,

it's clearly incredibly fun,
because the situation right now

is that we have a "Space Who-Dunnit?"
on our hands.

So, let me introduce you to
"Last Week Tonight: SVU."

That is
"Spaceship Ventilation, Unexpected."

Come with me.

Come with me right now, please.

Because we are going to get
to the bottom, right here,

right now, of who's responsible
for this space hole.

So, which one of these astronauts
could it be?

Was it Drew Feustel,
mission commander?

Was it Alexander Gerst?

His hobbies apparently include
skydiving.

Was he looking for the ultimate fall?

Was it Sergey Prokopyev?

His bio on the ISS website
is all in russian,

so I don't know anything about him.

That is immediately suspicious to me.

Or could it be his fellow cosmonaut,
Oleg Artemyev?

Did he snap after being
constantly teased for his obsession

with horizontally striped shirts?

Throw a vertical shirt in there, Oleg.
You look like a space mime.

Was it former flight surgeon
Serena Aunon, chancellor?

Or was it our final suspect,
Ricky Arnold?

Now, I'm not saying he's guilty.

What I am saying is,
if you trust a grown man named Ricky,

you're a f*cking idiot.

So these are all of our options.

Or are they?

Because it turns out there are more
than just people on board.

Also on board the capsule
are genetically identical brown mice

for a study of their gut bacteria.

It's true.

It turns out there are also 20 mice
on the Space Station.

Or rather,
there were 20,

because apparently ten of them
have already been dissected

in an experiment,
giving the remaining mice

the perfect motive to engage
in space-sabotage.

So,
and this is true,

we actually contacted NASA
and asked if they could provide us

with photos and names of the mice.

They told us,
and I quote,

"We do not name the mice
and don't have photos of them."

Sounds like a dodge to me.
So, we made our own.

What I'm asking you is,
who was it?

Was it Fuzz Aldrin?

Neil Tailstrong?

Rodent Polanski?

Mice Dallas Howard?

Maus von Bulow?

Chairman Mouse?

Isabella Rossa-Cheese-I?

John Leguizamouse?

Forest Whisker?

Or was it Dave?

Who can say?

Who can say?

We tried getting more information
out of NASA.

We actually asked them
if any of the mice were going through

any sort of personal trauma,
like a bankruptcy or divorce.

They told us,
and again I quote,

"An attending veterinarian monitors
the mice through all phases of flight."

Which is not what we asked them.
Is it?

At this point,
we were understandably suspicious,

so we asked them,
"Are you a human,

or are you a mouse working
with the space mice from the inside?"

To which NASA replied,
and again I swear this is true,

"I am, in fact,
a human."

Which is exactly
what a space mouse would say.

We're clearly on to something here,
and I'm inviting all of you at home

to help solve which of these mice
is responsible for the space hole.

In fact,

we'll be devoting the entire 30 minutes
of next week's show

to this story.

And know this,
if I am not here next sunday night,

the only reason
is because the mice got to me.

That is our show.
Thank you so much for watching.

Good night!

Find the mice.

Find the mice.