04x29 - Economic development incentives

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John: welcome,

Welcome, welcome

To "last week tonight."

I'm john oliver.

Thank you so much

For joining us.

Our thoughts are with the people

Of texas following today's

Incident, details are still

Unfolding.

I am sure there will be more to

Say about this in the hours and

Days ahead.

But for now, we are going to

Dive straight in with

President trump.

Statues of whom will someday be

Later taken down amid

A storm of controversy.

Huge developments unfolding

In washington this hour after

Special counsel unveiled

The first charges in his

Investigation into russian

Interference in the american

Election.

John: yes, it's finally

Happening!

The first charges in the ongoing

Scandal we've been calling

"Stupid watergate."

A story that, like watergate,

Could well end up toppling

Democracy, but only because

One of these idiots slipped

On a banana peel, yelled

Something stupid like

"Uh-oh, spaghetti-o!"

And accidentally knocked

Democracy over.

It's worth looking at monday's

Charges one at a time, because

They're absolutely incredible.

Let's start with paul manafort,

Former trump campaign chairman,

And his business partner,

Rick gates.

The rap sheet against them

Is impressive.

The 31-page indictment

Charges that over at least



A scheme to hide tens of

Millions of dollars in income

They received from a pro-russian

Ukrainian political party.

Prosecutors allege the scheme

Involved hiding that foreign

Work, funneling more than

$75 Million through unreported

Foreign bank accounts,

Laundering tens of millions

Of dollars, and lying to the irs

And to the justice department.

John: wow.

That is a lot.

And trump must be furious

With them, not so much for

The part where they allegedly

Lied to the government,

But for where they pretended to

Have less money than they did.

Because I'm pretty sure that

Violates the tenets of whatever

Sticky back-issue of

"Fuckable yachts" magazine

Trump considers

His code of ethics.

And while they deny all charges,

The details are damning.

Because, according to

Prosecutors, not all the money

Was squirreled away

In shell companies and overseas

Bank accounts.

Some of it was used

To go shopping.

According to the indictment,

Manafort used the money to quote

"Enjoy a lavish lifestyle,"

Spending nearly

A million dollars on

Antique rugs and more than



John: over $2 million

On rugs and clothes?

I can't speak to the quality

Of his rugs, but how the f*ck

Is this guy spending that much

On clothing?

He looks like he bought all the

Suits he was going to wear for

The rest of his life on one day

In 1982 with a cashier's check

For $900.

And when journalists tried

To find out where he got his

Clothes, calling a number

Of high-end boutiques,

They got either denials

Or "no comments"

From canali, isaia,

House of bijan,

Zegna, and brioni.

Which is a little surprising,

Because what brand wouldn't

Want, as its public face,

A man who looks like an extra

From a direct-to-dvd mobster

Movie who fell asleep

In a tanning bed?

But if I may quote

The tsa agent assigned to

Inspect mariah carey's carry on,

"Let's set aside

The $1.3 million in clothes

For just a minute."

And let's ask the question

Trump asks himself every moment

Of every day:

How does donald trump

Fit into this?

Well, to hear him tell it,

He doesn't.

The president revealed

His thoughts in two tweets.

"Sorry, but this is years ago

Before paul manafort was part of

The trump campaign.

But why aren't crooked hillary

And the dems the focus?"

Adding also "there is no

Collusion," writing that last

Bit in all capital letters.

John: wow.

All capital letters.

I haven't seen such a forceful

Denial since every men's

Clothing store in two major

American cities denied supplying

Manafort with a closetful of

Boxy, off-the-rack jackets from

The "dad's open-casket funeral"

Collection.

And if you think about trump's

Defense here, which he

Definitely hasn't,

It's actually pretty strange.

He's essentially saying,

"Manafort had already done

All this stuff at the time i,

Donald trump, decided to hire

Him as my campaign manager."

Which means one of two things:

Either trump did a background

Check, discovered his suspicious

Activity, and didn't care.

Or he didn't so much as google

Manafort before hiring him.

Because everyone knows manafort

Is dodgy.

He's represented the interests

Of strongmen and dictators

Around the world,

Including ferdinand marcos,

Mobutu, viktor yanukovych

And russian oligarch

Oleg deripaska, the last two of

Whom had close ties to putin.

In fact, it's since come to

Light that manafort may have

Been in debt to pro-russia

Interests by as much as

$17 Million.

And the more we learn about him,

The shadier he gets.

Prosecutors have noted that

Manafort has three u.s.

Passports with different numbers

And recently traveled abroad

While using a phone and email

Registered under an alias.

John: okay, first of all,

Who outside of jason bourne

Needs three separate passports

And an alias?

Besides, of course,

The olsen twin.

Because she's got one for

Mary-kate,

One for ashley, and one

For hilary duff.

Oh, that's right, there's also

No hilary duff.

It's just one olsen twin moving

Back and forth very quickly and

Then changing her hair and face

Significantly and standing still

In a different place.

I'm close!

I'm so close!

To blowing this charade apart.

Now, trump has argued

Manafort was just with the

Campaign for a very short period

Of time.

But he held top positions

Within it for five months,

During which time, he not only

Organized the convention,

He also spoke on the campaign's

Behalf, with decidedly

Mixed results.

So to be clear, mr. Trump has

No financial relationships with

Any russian oligarchs?

That -- that's what he said

And that's what I said.

That's obviously what the --

Our position is.

John: well, there's nothing

Inherently suspicious about that

Response at all, except for

The sweatiness, the stumbling,

And the fact you couldn't even

Hold eye contact

With the camera.

Also while manafort may have

Been gone before the election,

Gates, his partner,

Who prosecutors say had



The inaugural committee

And has been a frequent visitor

To the white house.

So, again, the question is:

Did trump know all of this

And not care?

Or did he know none of it

Because he's incompetent?

In other words:

Is trump smart enough

To be evil?

And before you answer that,

Consider the genuinely

Surprising news from monday,

The guilty plea from

George papadopoulos, the former

Trump campaign staffer and real

Cool dude, who has now admitted

To lying to the fbi.

He could be a real problem.

Because we now know, not only

Did papadopoulos have contact

With the russians during

The campaign, who apparently

Told him that they had

"Dirt" on hillary clinton,

But he mentioned his russian

Contacts to the campaign,

Who responded like this.

A trump campaign supervisor

Told papadopoulos, "I would

Encourage you to pursue contact

With russians' and that he had

Done 'great work.'"

John: it speaks to the

Sheer stupidity of the people

Involved that they so often left

Written records of their

Potentially criminal actions.

It's like if during watergate,

We had an e-mail chain of

Howard hunt saying

"About to break in!"

And nixon replying "noice!"

But this wouldn't be stupid

Watergate without some truly

Idiotic details.

Because one of papadopoulos's

Former professors described him

As "zealous and a bit simple,"

Which, incidentally, is also how

You would describe

A golden retriever

In !sis, and some of his russian

Sources turned out to be

Pretty unimpressive.

Papadopoulos was in london,

Meeting with his russian

Connections, including a woman

He thought was vladimir putin's

Niece but turns out was not.

John: that's right.

We are now living in an era when

The top "new york times"

Headline could conceivably have

Been: "shades mccool

Got catfished by a fake putin

Niece."

Trump is now also desperately

Trying to distance himself

From papadopoulos, calling him

A low-level volunteer,

Which is a pretty weak defense,

Because not only did trump call

Him an "excellent guy,"

They were photographed together

In a national security meeting

During the campaign.

That photograph was released

Earlier this week, when the seal

On grand jury testimony --

I'm just kidding.

Trump posted it to his instagram

Last march.

Of course he did.

And while that photo looks

Pretty damning, the white house

This week insisted it

Meant nothing.

Sarah, how can you describe

Mr. Papadopoulos as having

A limited role when there's

A photograph of mr. Papadopoulos

Sitting at a table with

Then-candidate trump

At a national security meeting?

The president has thousands

Of photographs with millions of

People so...

John: now, she's not wrong

There.

Trump has taken photos

With many, many people.

Here's one of him

With o.j. Simpson.

Here's one of trump

And harvey weinstein.

Here he is with grimace.

So the president has smiled

For photos with murderers,

Sexual predators and, in the

Case of grimace, both.

But the point is, none of them

Got to sit at the table with

Trump and his campaign staff.

And when he was asked on friday

About what happened in that

Meeting, this was his response.

I don't remember much about

That meeting.

It was a very unimportant

Meeting.

Took place a long time --

Don't remember much about it.

John: oh, you don't remember?

That's convenient.

Although slightly undercut by

One of trump's favorite boasts.

People know me for my memory.

It's called, like, up here

And it's called memory

And it's called other things.

I'm fortunate that I have

A good memory.

I have a good memory.

I have, like, a good memory.

I have a very good memory.

I have a good memory,

Like, a great memory.

I have a great memory.

One of the great memories

Of all time.

John: yeah, and there's

Just no way to reconcile those

Two positions, although trump

Has tried in the past.

When he was asked during

A deposition in 2015 about

Claiming he had one of the

World's great memories, he said,

And I quote:

"I don't remember saying that.

As good as my memory is,

I don't remember that.

But I have a good memory."

So, right now, there are three

People from the trump campaign,

Facing serious charges about

Their entanglements overseas.

And in all three cases, trump's

Pushback has basically been,

"I don't know anything about the

People I should've known those

Things about."

It's his signature move.

He's playing the trump card.

And what I mean by that is,

He's using his own incompetence

As a defense.

It's the same way you might

Excuse the behavior of a dog

Or a small child.

If you found your dog

Pissing on a rug, and then

Your child urinating on the dog,

You'd think, "yes, I'm annoyed,

But they're idiots who don't

Know what they're doing, so they

Get to walk away from this one."

That is the trump card.

And the worrying thing here is,

It may work for trump.

Because think about what

The counterargument would be.

"This is a meticulous man who

Made strategic decisions,

Fully aware of the consequences

Of his actions."

That's a tough case to make.

But we can't accept the trump

Card as his defense.

Because if we do, think about

What we actually be saying.

"Look, this guy's too dumb

To really understand what he's

Doing, so I guess we have

No choice but to let him

Keep being president."

Please let's not do that.

And now this.

Halloween has come to channe.

We are the minions.

Mission from god.

Mario.

[Laughs]

Nice.

This is kate, one of our

Interns.

I've got to watch my

Cornstalks.

Oh, my goodness.

How long did it take to put --

Two seconds.

Really fast?

We can't have you reading the

News in a costume.

It just doesn't work.

Developments ma

Houston county truck bombing

Case coming up.

John: moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns

Jobs, literally the only reason

Anyone gets up before 11:00 a.m.

Politicians care about jobs more

Than anything else, as you can

Tell from how often they

Mention them.

These are the things I have

Focused on: jobs, jobs, jobs.

Jobs, jobs, jobs.

Jobs, jobs, and jobs.

Period.

Jobs, jobs, jobs.

It's about jobs, jobs, jobs,

Good paying jobs.

It's about jobs.

Jobs, jobs, jobs, and more jobs,

American jobs.

John: politicians seem

To think that jobs are like

"Beetlejuice."

If you just say the word

A magic number of times,

Eventually, they'll just pop up

Out of nowhere.

More specifically tonight,

I'd like to talk about one of

The ways politicians try

To create jobs:

Economic development incentives.

And I know that doesn't

Sound interesting --

Wait!

What're you doing?

You're putting me

Picture-in-picture?

Is that "entourage: the movie"?

Fine!

You know what?

Switch over the audio.

Listen to the first line.

You'll be back.

I may have to jerk it

Before we even get there.

John: oh!

How about that?

All of a sudden, a show about

Economic development doesn't

Seem like the worst thing

You could be watching, does it?

So, as I was saying,

Economic development incentives

Are essentially when state and

Local governments offer perks to

Companies to entice them to

Build or expand in their area.

Here in new york,

There's a program called

"Start-up new york" which

Launched with some pretty

Astounding tax breaks.

Startup new york creates

Zero tax zones

For new businesses

For ten years,

Zero property tax,

Zero corporate tax,

Zero business tax,

And zero income tax.

John: wow.

Zero property, corporate,

Business and income tax.

I believe that sound you

Just heard was donald trump

Getting an erection.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

And it's gone again.

See you next year, little buddy.

Look, it's not just new york.

All 50 states offer some kind of

Incentives, like tax breaks,

To attract companies.

And the argument is, they

Attract employers, which attract

Jobs, which lead to spending,

Which creates more jobs,

And so on and so on.

And many places have bought into

This hard, trying to outbid

One another for businesses.

Indiana even once took out

Attack ads on other states,

Like this billboard, which read:

"Illinoyed by higher taxes?

Come to indiana, a state

That works."

And that's pretty aggressive,

Though it's actually much tamer

Than their original billboard,

"Just arkan-saw your tax bill?

Ida-hope you like

Our tax breaks.

Because if you colora-don't,

We'll connecti-cut

Your f*cking balls off."

And if a company's big enough,

It can even start a bidding w*r

Itself.

That's happening right now

With amazon.

They're planning to build

A second headquarters somewhere

In north america, and they're

Making governments bid for them.

They even released eight pages

Of instructions for candidates,

Telling them

"To think big and be creative,"

Which led many cities to do

Stupid shit like this.

Overnight, the big apple

Looking more like an orange.

New york city mayor

Bill de blasio lighting up the

City in "amazon orange."

The city of birmingham is

Using giant amazon boxes to try

To get amazon's attention.

Stonecrest, georgia, offering

To create a new town of amazon,

Georgia.

John: they would create a new

Town and name it amazon.

To compete, I'm surprised that

Omaha, nebraska, didn't offer

To let jeff bezos k*ll any three

People he likes, because

You know he would.

Look at him.

He wants it so bad.

It's the only thing

He can't have and he wants it.

And numerous mayors made direct

Appeals to amazon, with videos

Ending in versions of the same

Bad joke.

Hey, alexa, where should

Amazon locate hq2?

Hmm.

In frisco, texas.

Alexa, where is the most

Interesting company in the world

Gonna locate?

Obviously, washington dc.

So alexa, where is the best

Place for amazon to locate

Its second world headquarters?

Danbury, connecticut.

I told you so.

John: my one and only worry

With all of those ads,

And I mean this sincerely,

Are they almost too hilarious?

But those stunts are just

Window dressing.

What amazon cares more about,

As they mentioned in their

Instructions 21 separate times,

Are tax incentives.

And while few places are

Revealing what they offered,

We do know that new jersey

Reportedly offered $7 billion

In tax breaks,

Which is an insane amount that

Other places may have to compete

With.

And think about what that means.

That could be billions of tax

Dollars that don't go to roads

Or schools or hospitals.

And amazon already has more

Money than it knows

What to do with.

How else can you explain

The existence of "goliath,"

A show that --

And this is true --

Literally nobody has ever seen.

Nobody, no human, no animal.

Nobody, no one.

Does it exist?

And that's the thing.

We give companies a lot of money

Through these incentives.

By one estimate, in 2015,

They cost state and local

Governments $45 billion.

And that money can go to some

Questionable projects.

For instance, a few years ago,

Kentucky took a big swing

On this.

A full sized replica of

Noah's ark is drawing thousands

Of visitors to williamstown,

Kentucky.

This is the ark encounter,

A chapter from genesis told

On a $100 million budget.

Four floors of noah, his family,

And beasts, great and small.

The project received

$18 Million in kentucky

Tax incentives.

John: $18 million

Of tax breaks!

For a gigantic ark museum!

And I'm not saying

That's an inherently bad idea.

I do kind of want to see it,

Especially as its website

Genuinely has a section devoted

To the question "what about all

The manure?"

The answer, apparently,

Is "slatted floors

On multiple-level cages."

Which is not a good answer,

Because you do not want to be

The animal on the lowest level

Of that ship.

And while the ark clearly

Created some jobs, there were

Some caveats to those positions.

Critics complain of

Discrimination in hiring.

Only christians.

No gays or lesbians,

And single people have to sign

A chastity pledge.

John: oh, come on.

Aside from the h*m*,

Chastity is a pretty weird rule

To put in place for the museum

That's pretty much a gigantic

Replica of a floating f*ck-zoo.

They weren't brought in two

By two so everyone would have

A swim buddy.

They were on that boat to f*ck.

To f*ck.

But the justification for taking

A gamble on a gigantic ark

Was that it would be a boon

To the whole area.

And to hear at least one local

Official tell it, the economic

Impact has been underwhelming.

The ark's success has not

Had the ripple effect

Many hoped it would.

Downtown williamstown, which

Was expecting increased car and

Foot traffic has almost as many

Empty storefronts as occupied

Storefronts.

What's it meant for downtown

Williamstown?

Nothing.

I don't mean to sound negative

In this interview,

But there's nothing here.

John: yeah, that kind of

Makes sense.

Because once you've spent three

Hours walking around

A wooden boat with sexually

Frustrated tour guides,

And haunted by the mental image

Of a miserable zebra

Neck-deep in shit because

Apparently decks were assigned

Alphabetically, you're probably

Gonna skip lunch in town.

And look, a well-designed,

Monitored program with

Clear goals might make sense

To an area.

But too often, the terms

Are extremely lax.

Some don't require that jobs

Be created at all.

And some require almost

Laughably few.

Remember "startup new york"?

Zero taxes for a decade?

[Whistle]

I'm sorry.

It'll pass.

That program only required

To create one new job a year,

And the state recently

Considered scaling that back to

One new job in the first

Five years.

And sometimes, these incentives

Are given out even when they may

Not be necessary.

Take a look at

Fargo, north dakota.

You're not wrong.

Fargo gave a tax break

To fedex when they moved

A facility to their city.

Why did they need to?

Just listen to what happened

When one city council member

Questioned a fedex

Representative.

Mr. Wilson, if you don't get

This exemption, will you still

Move to fargo?

Yes, sir, we will.

Okay.

John: yet ten minutes later,

The council voted to give fedex

That exemption.

Also if someone wants

To willingly move to fargo, you

Don't offer them tax incentives.

You simply offer them a full

Psychological workup that starts

With the question,

"Who did you m*rder?

We'll still let you live here,

But we do need to know."

And then there are programs

Narrowly set up to encourage

A particular industry to grow.

Which sounds great, but may not

Lead to good, permanent jobs.

Take film and tv incentives.

At some point in the past couple

Of decades, nearly every state

Decided they wanted to be

The next hollywood.

And now, 31 states have

Incentive programs for film

Or tv.

The problem with that is,

If you're one of them, you have



And because film productions are

Portable, if you try and scale

Back your incentives, they'll

Just go wherever a better deal

Is.

Just listen to this movie

Producer, who's taken advantage

Of multiple states' incentives.

I would never make a movie

Where I didn't get an incentive

And I don't ever intend to.

At the end of the day,

If there's an incentive,

It's good for me.

John: and look,

He's not wrong.

He looks like every woman's

Worst ex-boyfriend,

But he is not wrong.

It's not his job to worry about

Whether his incentives

Are good for states.

It's his job to, I'm assuming,

Refer to sushi as "sush."

He definitely does that.

But it should be someone's job

To worry about the effects

Of these programs.

Louisiana found that, for every

Dollar it spent on its film

Program, it generated just



Which sounds bad, but is still

Better than maryland, which made

Just 10 cents for every dollar

Spent.

Which is still better

Than connecticut's program,

Which returned only 7 cents

On the dollar.

That's like putting a dollar

Into a vending machine and

Getting a single yellow

Starburst.

At some point what you're

Getting out is not worth what

You're putting in.

And defenders of economic

Incentives will say that's just

A fraction of the broader

Economic benefit they bring.

The problem is, there's not much

Evidence for that.

And I know accounting for

The total economic impact

Of anything is tricky.

But we're gambling billions

Of dollars on little more than

Faith, and even basic

Information can be hard

To come by.

One study found that

Three-quarters of major state

Development programs don't even

Disclose actual jobs created

Or workers trained.

So we're basically throwing

Money down a hole and hoping it

Brings us prosperity, which is

The exact business model of

A wishing well.

And to see this at perhaps

Its most pointless, just look at

Kansas and missouri.

They've offered competing tax

Breaks to businesses for years,

Which has made things

Particularly interesting

In one metro area.

So, I'm in kansas city,

Missouri.

That's it behind me.

There is kansas city, kansas.

Two states, one metro area,

But both states offer subsidies

For job creation.

Create a job,

You get a tax break.

So what do businesses do?

Our missouri business will move

Some employees over to

Kansas city, kansas,

And claim a tax break.

Move 'em back,

Claim another tax break.

John: it's true.

For instance, kansas city,

Missouri, lost corporate offices

For all these companies

To kansas city, kansas, which,

In turn, lost offices for

All these companies to

Kansas city, missouri.

And that isn't creating jobs any

More than moving your couch from

The bedroom to the living room

Is creating furniture.

And this w*r has come

At a real cost.

A local foundation studied two

State-level incentives programs

And estimated that since 2009,

Around 6600 jobs had moved from

Missouri to kansas,

While around 5500 jobs had moved

From kansas to missouri, meaning

There was a net gain of around



The line at a combined cost to

The two states of $331 million

In lost tax revenue.

And think about that.

You could create a program where

The first 1100 people to move to

Kansas city from missouri

Would each get a ferrari,

Which they could then drive

Around a giant pile of

$30 Million the state had on

Fire, and you would actually be

Fiscally responsible, because

You would've saved the area

$20 Million.

Look, it's pretty clear that

Economic development needs to be

Done in a much smarter way.

And I don't blame the companies

For this.

Because if governments are going

To offer ridiculous incentives,

They're going to take them.

So governments need to hold

Themselves and companies

More accountable.

And if companies aren't

Producing what they promised,

We need a system

To claw our money back.

But to find that out,

We're going to need much more

Transparency over where our

And what we're

Getting in return.

Although I'll tell you one thing

I know for sure we got

In return:

The "entourage" movie.

That got a $5.8 million

Tax credit from california.

And where else were they going

To film entourage?

Idaho?

So, california, please know --

You indirectly had a hand

In producing a movie which,

May I remind you, has this

For its very first line.

I may have to jerk it before

We get there.

John: you know what?

Congratulations,

Kentucky ark museum!

Somehow, you've become the

Second-worst taxpayer-subsidized

f*ck boat in this story.

And now this.

Announcer: and now let's

Check in with halloween traffic

And weather.

33 Degrees.

That's making it feel like 24.

Things are changing rapidly.

A few clouds, we are

Expecting some rain.

34 Here but we are tapping

Into cold air.

Sunday there's a cold front

Coming in.

I know none of you are taking it

Seriously.

We have an overturned

Semitruck.

Heavy delays from

Pennsylvania avenue.

The weatherman.

My head is floating.

Northbound traffic heading away

From us.

Zombies in the forecast.

The suspects are charged with

Accessory to m*rder.

We are seeing clear skies.

John: and finally tonight,

A quick word on the united

States postal service.

Drivers of windowless white vans

You can actually trust.

The postal service has fallen on

Hard times.

It's massively in debt,

And last year posted a loss of

$5.6 billion, which is hardly

Surprising.

Why send a letter when you can

Send an email?

I mean, you could send

A two-sentence letter in the

Mail to your friend in all

Lowercase that reads:

"Hey, finally saw "the martian."

It was okay."

But that would be

Both inefficient and weird.

So the postal service is

Currently fighting to stay

Relevant and cool,

Which is hard for an

Organization whose uniforms

Make you look like

A sexual predator on safari.

Still, they're trying to get

Themselves out there.

And one attempt is incredible.

Did you know that, since 2015,

The postal service had its own

Television show?

It's on saturday mornings,

And it's called

"The inspectors," and while

It airs on cbs, it's the only

Program whose budget is

Funded by the government.

And the show is pretty much what

You'd expect if a bunch of civil

Servants from the postal service

Had their own show.

I'm preston wainwright

And this is my mom amanda.

She's a united states postal

Inspector, which means

She solves any crime that uses

The mail.

My dad was an inspector too,

One of the best, until I lost

Him and the use of my legs

In a car accident.

Now I'm following my own dream

With an internship in the crime

Lab and the help of my best

Friends.

Together we are the inspectors.

John: the whole thing's

Basically a mix of teenage

Soap opera, a police procedural,

And an psa about how to protect

Yourself from various

Mail-related crimes,

All of which amounts to

A kind of "csi: mailbox."

Its stars include this guy,

Who looks exactly like

Anthony michael hall.

And you may think I'm just

Cherrypicking similar photos,

But I'm not.

Their photos are all similar.

Tell me, which of these actors

Was in the "the breakfast club"

And which wasn't?

You can't do it!

That's my point.

The problem is, there's

Something about the innately

Aggressive tone of a cop show

And postal inspectors

That doesn't quite fit.

I want to see my lawyer.

I know my rights and I will not

Be intimidated by you people.

Who are you anyway, the fbi?

I told you.

We're postal inspectors.

We're your worst nightmare.

We've got a 98% conviction rate.

You're about to raise it to 99.

John: okay, first of all:

If a postal inspector is your

Worst nightmare, you need to

Have worse nightmares.

There's a reason freddy kreuger

Kills people.

He doesn't fine them

For manufacturing counterfeit

Stamps.

Also about that conviction rate

Line, that's not how numbers

Work.

Say they've convicted 980 out

Of 1,000 people, giving them

A 98% conviction rate.

By convicting one more person,

Their rate isn't now 99.

It's 98.1.

You know what?

I don't often say this on this

Show, but I'm going to give this

Our official stamp of --

Never mind.

Never mind.

Doesn't matter.

Let it go.

Never mind.

Now, the episodes are 30 minutes

Long, but I can actually run you

Through one pretty quickly.

A recent story featured

The postal inspectors getting

Involved in a cyber-ransom case

After they find some evidence on

An envelope, and they work fast.

Hopefully georgia can match

This guacamole to the stuff

On the letter.

Okay, we should have

The results of the guacamole

Analysis in a few minutes.

And the elements on the

Guacamole sample you brought in

Today is almost identical to the

Guac on the envelope.

Fiesta's over, frank.

Ah.

U.s. Postal inspectors

Up against the taco truck.

Oh, man.

John: so that's just solidly

Written dialogue, except for

The part when the guy says,

"Oh, man."

Because if someone whips out

A badge and yells, "u.s. Postal

Inspectors," the only natural

Reaction is going to be,

"You guys have badges?

Why?"

But look, don't get me wrong.

This isn't just about the cases.

This is a show that wants you

To invest in the histories

And complex emotions

Of its characters.

With all the preparations for

This party, well, I just

Plum forgot to get you something

For your birthday.

You've been asking about it,

So I thought, you know,

I'd just, I'd tell you why

I became a letter carrier

After the military.

See, while I was deployed

Overseas, every day I saw

How important a letter

Or a care package from home

Could be to a soldier who was

Tired or scared or was missing

Home, and I just, made all

The difference in the world,

And I knew that when I got home,

I wanted to be a part of that

Smile every day.

So happy birthday.

John: that is officially

The world's shittiest birthday

Present.

"Sorry I couldn't get you

A gift, but how about I make you

Stand there for what will feel

Like an eternity while I tear up

Talking about mail?

That's a gift, right?"

I just gave you something.

The postal service even made

Their own behind-the-scenes

Video on the set of

"The inspectors," featuring

Anthony bootleg hall and the

Rest of the cast talking about

What a great agency the usps is.

But the best and saddest part

Is when they interview the

Real-life chief postal inspector

Guy cottrell, who has an

Interesting assessment of his

Own status in hollywood.

I came here star struck

Looking at the actors, and the

Actors look at me and the rest

Of the inspectors here just as

Star struck because we're really

The postal inspectors

Doing the work.

So as cool as it is for us to

See a tv show, it's just as cool

For them to see real postal

Inspectors.

John: no.

No, it isn't.

You're wrong.

You have badly misinterpreted

The tone of the actor who found

Out he had to meet with you

And said, "wow, I can't believe

This is happening."

Now, as this is a saturday

Morning program, it is ideally

Supposed to be geared

Towards kids and teens.

And yet, we checked, and the

Main audience for the show

Is 55 and older,

Which is not ideal.

Because the postal service needs

To get its message out.

The point of the show is

To educate viewers about things

Like mail fraud, identity theft,

And the importance of postal

Inspectors.

But it can't do that if it isn't

Reaching the right audience.

What they need to do is insert

Their message into existing,

Popular shows.

And here's where we come in.

Because we've called in a few

Favors from some of the most

Popular shows around,

And they agreed to help out.

First there's this.

Layla mcqueen.

You stay.

I noticed you forgot to check

For watermarks on postal money

Orders and failed to turn on two

Step verification.

The postal service can help you

Avoid scams but if you can't

Love yourself, how are you going

To be truly safe from identity

Theft?

Now, sashay away.

John: tell me that's not

Educational and fierce.

You can't.

Because it is both!

But not everyone watches

Reality shows.

What people do watch is

"This is us", which makes you

Laugh and makes you cry

And makes you wonder when the

f*ck they're going to explain

How the father dies.

Why won't you tell us,

You monsters?

Tell us!

Anyway, if you could sneak some

Mail-related dialogue into that

One, that'd be pretty amazing,

Right?

Take a look.

Hey, babe.

Hey, did you get the mail today?

I did, and once again,

No suspicious or fraudulent

Packages in it.

It's a good thing we have a

Postal inspection service or I

Could be k*lled by a mail b*mb

That would be terrible.

That's definitely not how I

Die.

Even if you died a premature

Death, I doubt it would be from

A mail b*mb.

I'm going to live forever.

John: see?

Perfect.

The key, as you've already seen

So far, is to do it subtly,

Just make it a completely normal

Part of a completely normal

Scene.

I am telling you, it is like

The system is set up to keep us

In here.

Duh.

It is the prison industrial

Complex.

Ease up.

Not everything about the

Federal government is bad.

Let us not forget about the

Hardworking men and women of the

United states postal inspection

Service.

That is true.

They guard us.

From serious crimes.

The uspis is trash.

You don't know me!

You don't know the uspis.

I told you to not be

Disrespecting the postal

Inspectors in front of her.

If you would like to know

More, simply call



All right.

I will call them today.

John: you're welcome,

Postal service!

That's our show.

Thank you so much for watching.

See you next week.

Good night!