04x21 - 2017 North Korea crisis

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John: welcome, welcome,

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John: welcome, welcome,

Welcome to last week tonight.

I'm john oliver.

Thank you so much for joining

Us.

And sadly, we must begin with

The events in charlottesville,

Virginia, where one person was

k*lled and 19 injured after a

Car plowed into protesters

Following a rally of white

Nationalists.

It was truly a weekend of

Horrifying images.

We saw n*zi flags and marchers

Carrying torches -- tiki

Torches, by the way.

Because if anything says "white

Nationalist," it's

Faux-polynesian kitsch and a

Protester being k*lled in the

Wake of neo-nazis marching in

The streets of an american city

Is the kind of tragedy that

Calls for true leadership from

Whoever is in the oval office.

Unfortunately, the current

Occupant is this guy, and even

After a few hours to think about

It, the best he could do was

Squeeze in this response before

A bill signing:

Trump: we condemn in the

Strongest possible terms this

Egregious display of hatred,

Bigotry and v*olence on many

Sides -- on many sides.

John: "on many sides"?

This was a white nationalist

Rally.

You have to call that out by

Name.

There aren't many instances in

Modern american politics where

You can honestly think, "that

Guy really should have mentioned

The nazis," but this is

Emphatically one of them.

It's like a reverse godwin's law

-- If you fail to mention

Nazism, you lose the argument.

And having made a wild false

Equivalence between "nazis" and

"People who oppose nazis" trump

Moved on to his favorite

Subject, himself.

Trump: it's been going on

For a long time in our country.

Not donald trump, not barack

Obama, it's been going on for a

Long, long time.

John: it seems trump's first

Response to anything bad

Happening is always to

Immediately absolve himself of

Any personal responsibility.

He's the kind of guy who starts

Eulogies at funerals, "great

Guy.

I didn't k*ll him, but he's a

Great guy and he's dead and I

Didn't do it."

And you know who might take

Issue with his statement that

The white nationalists had

Nothing to do with donald trump?

The white nationalists

Themselves.

Here's david duke, during

Yesterday's rally:

David duke: we are

Determined to take our country

Back.

We're going to fulfill the

Promises of donald trump.

That's what we believed in.

That's why we voted for donald

Trump.

He said he is going to take our

Country back, and that's what we

Gotta do.

John: hey, david duke and the

Nazis really seem to like donald

Trump, which is weird, because

Nazis are a lot like cats:

If they like you, it's probably

Because you're feeding them.

Also, cats are like nazis, but

That's a whole different

Subject.

And that kind of connection is

Something anyone in their right

Mind would want to immediately

And repeatedly disavow.

And it's not like trump wasn't

Given the opportunity.

Watch what happened at the end

Of his speech:

Trump: thank you.

Reporter: mr. President!

How do you respond to white

Nationalists who say they're

Participating because they

Support you?

Trump: they'd like me to sign

The bill here, instead of

Outside.

So I think we'll do that.

Thank you.

John: for a second there, as

He came back to the podium, I

Almost thought, maybe he's about

To say the right thing.

But of course not.

He had one last shot before the

Buzzer on the racism clock hit

Zero and he threw an airball so

Far away it landed in the third

Reich.

[Cheers and applause]

And for the record -- even after

He signed the bill, he got

Another chance:

Reporter: mr. President, a

Number of the white nationalists

And--

Reporter: do you want the

Support of these white

Nationalists who say they

Support you mr. President?

Have you denounced them strongly

Enough?

John: so here's the problem

With that: a non-answer in a

Moment like this is an answer.

If you asked me, "have you ever

Been aroused by the fairies in

'Zelda: the ocarina of time'?",

And I responded by slowly and

Silently walking away, you would

Know exactly what I was saying.

[Cheers and applause]

And don't take that from me --

White nationalists seemed pretty

Clear about the message trump

Had sent them with his response.

Tapper: this is from an

Infamous neonazi website.

"Trump comments were good.

He loves us all.

Also refused to answer a

Question about white

Nationalists suporting him.

No condemnation.

When asked to condemn he walked

Out of the room.

Really, really good.

God bless him."

John: to which god

Immediately released a

Statement:

"I unequivocally condemn the

Nazis who invoked my name...

Their beliefs and actions in no

Way reflect the glory of my

Creation.

I mean, what kind of f*cking

Idiot would not immediately

Distance himself from them?"

And look: maybe trump will,

Eventually, take a second swing

At personally condemning the

White nationalists.

Maybe he has since we taped this

Show.

But even if he does, it'll be

Too late.

Because his first response is

Who he is.

And the truly infuriating thing

Is how completely predictable

This was.

No one in their right mind,

Ahead of trump's response

Yesterday, thought, "well, this

Is going to go well."

That still didn't somehow negate

Just how painful it was to

Watch.

Because it just doesn't get

Easier than disavowing nazis.

It's as much of a presidential

Gimme as pardoning a f*cking

Turkey.

It's almost impossible to screw

It up.

But that's what happened.

So there's clearly no point

Waiting for leadership from our

President at moments like this,

Because it's just not coming.

So we'll have to look to one

Another.

Because incredibly, in a country

Where previous presidents have

Actually had to defeat nazis, we

Now have one who can't even be

Bothered to condemn them.

And now, this:

Announcer: now, highlights

From robocop 2017.

And now, highlights vastly

Improved by univision

Commentator.

John: moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns

North korea, america's number

One excuse for putting off

Chores this week.

"I could do laundry, but if the

World's about to erupt into

Nuclear w*r, what's the point?"

North korea has been on

Everyone's minds this week, and

I think you know why:

Boldoun: "president trump and

North korea escalate the w*r of

Words, lobbing new threats and

Sending new tweets.

North korea now accusing the

President of the united states

Pushing the world to, quote, the

Brink of nuclear w*r.

John: wow.

When twitter was invented, I'll

Bet even they didn't imagine it

Would lead us to the brink of

Nuclear armageddon.

It's like if the invention of

The furby had led to the

Sudanese civil w*r.

Who knew that's where it was

Headed?

Tensions have sharply escalated

This week, which is a little

Surprising, given that the world

Has been dealing with north

Korea's provocative m*ssile

Tests for years now.

Just two weeks ago, they were

Doing this:

Anchor: north korea fires

Yet another m*ssile, but

Pyongyang claims this one will

Be able to hit the u.s.

Mainland, striking cities like

Los angeles, denver, chicago,

And possibly even new york and

Boston.

John: new york?

But I live in new york!

Therefore, this shit just got

Real!

If everyone's honest, your level

Of fear over the north korea

Situation is in direct

Proportion to whether or not

They can hit the exact place

Where you live.

We film this show on 57th

Street.

If you told me the blast radius

Stops at 56th street, I'd think

"Well, I hope nothing happens,

But we've still got some time

Before things get serious."

Now, it is worth properly

Understanding what north korea's

Currently capable of.

Because while their missiles may

Be able to reach us, and they do

Have nuclear warheads, most

Experts believe they don't yet

Have the technology to reliably

Hit the u.s. Mainland.

So that's reassuring.

Although on the other hand a

Recent pentagon assessment did

Suggest they could cross that

Threshold next year.

So if a job interviewer asks

You, "where do you see yourself

In five years?"

It's now perfectly acceptable to

Just scream in terror.

Look, this is clearly a very

Serious situation, requiring a

Deft hand.

Sadly, that's not what it got.

Trump: "north korea best not

Make any more threats to the

United states.

They will be met with fire and

Fury, like the world has never

Seen.

John: "fire and fury"?

The only way that's not

Terrifying is if you report it

The way one newspaper in maine

Did, saying "trump warns of fire

And furry."

In which case trump was

Threatening to send this to

North korea, which is a very

Different kind of threat.

In response, north korea

Announced plans to fire missiles

That would land just off the

Coast of the us territory of

Guam.

Which is frightening -- although

Not unprecedented.

They have made similar threats

Before.

But what's different this time,

Obviously, is that we now have a

President who has the general

Temperament of a wet cat.

And in response to that guam

Threat, trump promptly doubled

Down.

Trump: frankly the people

That were questioning that

Statement, was it too tough,

Maybe it wasn't tough enough.

If anything, that statement may

Not be tough enough.

Reporter: what would be

Tougher than fire and fury?

Trump: "well, you'll see,

You'll see.

John: "yeah we're going to go

With that b*mb more destructive

Than the nuclear b*mb.

Why?

I don't know!

Who cares that it doesn't exist?

Sincerely, donald trump.

I'm not writing a letter I'm

Talking?

Says you.

Fake news. Goodbye!"

So tonight, we thought we'd ask:

What, exactly, is north korea

Thinking?

How did we get into this mess?

And what can we possibly do

About it?

And let's start by trying to

Understand just a little bit

More about north korea.

And that in itself is difficult.

It's one of the most isolated

If you know anything about it at

All, it's probably just that

They have a wacky totalitarian

Leader who loves military

Parades and dennis rodman, and

Who really didn't like that seth

Rogen movie about his

Assassination.

And it can be hard to trust any

Information about north korea,

Because lots of it is

Inaccurate, for many reasons.

First, there's the outright

State propaganda, which

Glorifies north korea's leaders,

The kim family.

Last year, we showed you western

Journalists being taken on a

Tour of a historic target range,

Where they learned something

Suspiciously remarkable about

Kim jong un's father.

Woman: comrade kim jong-il

Shot three b*ll*ts and three of

Them got bulls-eye.

Adriana diaz: they all got

Bulls-eye?

Woman: mm-hmm.

Adriana diaz: and how old was

He at the time?

Woman: he was 7-year-old.

Adriana diaz: a 7-year-old

Got three bulls-eyes?

Woman: mm-hmm, yeah.

Adriana diaz: that's pretty

Impressive.

Woman: mm-hmm.

John: wow, that is the mm-hmm

Of someone who wants to shut

Down a conversation.

She sounds like a parent

Fielding questions about where

Babies come from.

"So, a stork brings the baby?"

"Mm-hmm."

"It carries an eight-pound baby

Through the air in its mouth?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Where does the stork get them?"

"Storks f*ck!

They f*ck each other!

They f*ck each other!

And the baby comes out of the

Stork's vag*na!"

Don't ask for the truth if you

Can't handle it!

But inaccuracies like that are

Easy to spot.

What's trickier is that a lot of

Eye-catching western reporting

About north korea can be shakily

Sourced, like this one:

Reid: the bbc reports all of

The men in the hermit kingdom

Must now sport the same haircut

As the dear leader, kim jong-un.

His look was known as the

Chinese smuggler haircut not too

Long ago in the region, but now

It will be known as the haircut

Every man in north korea must

Have.

Lucky them.

John: here's the thing:

There's no solid evidence that

Story's true.

But it's seductive, because it

Sounds like it could be.

Like if you saw the headline:

"Trump to nato: I invented

Squirrels."

You'd believe it, because it

Sounds like something he'd have

Claimed, even though - as of

This taping - he has not.

And while it may not be true

That all men had to get the same

Haircut as kim jong un, state tv

Did run a series called "let us

Trim our hair in accordance with

Socialist lifestyle".

And it's weird when a verifiable

Truth is almost as strange as a

Wild rumor.

It's like how the "richard gere

Put a gerbil in his ass" story

Is completely false, but what if

The truth was that he engaged in

Consensual mutual a**l play with

A chinchilla?

That would still be bizarre; you

Wouldn't have to exaggerate

That.

And sometimes, the truth about

Life in north korea can be just

As striking as the urban

Legends.

For instance, you may've seen

Claims online that every teacher

In north korea is obligated to

Play the accordion.

We couldn't confirm that,

Although in trying to, we

Discovered that north korea does

Love the accordion to a

Surprising extent.

The country is full of them.

Here's an accordion factory.

Here's schoolchildren playing

The accordion.

Here's kim jong un looking at an

Accordion.

Here's an air combat exercise,

Where the camera pans across

Pilots and guess what?

Yep.

It's a f*cking accordion.

They also have a very popular

Song called

"Nothing to envy in the world"

That begins with the line "the

Sky is blue, my heart is merry,

Let the sound of accordions

Ring."

And then there's this video of

North koreans playing the last

Song you'd expect.

[Accordions playing "take on me"

Yes, that's north korean

Accordionists playing "take on

Me".

So, beat that, everyone else who

Plays the accordion!

By which I mean, two old french

Men, and one weird al yankovic.

And if you think that's the most

Amazing piece of north korean

Pop culture you're going to see

Tonight, you are wrong.

Let me introduce you to

"Pulgasari", a 1985 movie known

As the "north korean godzilla".

The whole thing is incredible,

But this is my favorite part:

♪ ♪

John: you know why I love

That? It's "relatable!"

No matter where you're from, or

Your religious or political

Beliefs, at some point,

Everybody has been about to

Decapitate someone and then out

Of nowhere a baby monster jumps

Up and takes a bite out of your

Sword.

It works because it resonates.

And look: we're having fun,

Laughing about north korea!

And it can be very funny.

But the very fact that's true

Can be frustrating to

Journalists who cover it.

Barbara demick: it's always,

You know, an exaggeration, and a

Parody, and you know kind of a

Freak show.

Which I think those of us who

Cover north korea find a little

Bit distressing because it's not

Actually very funny to the 24

Million people who live there.

John: she's right.

And even when north korea is

Objectively funny, like with

"Pulgasari," it has dark

Undertones.

Because kim jong-il got that

Made by abducting two of south

Korea's biggest names in film,

And forcing them to make movies

For him, for years.

And you know what?

They eventually escaped.

So I'm going to say: I know it's

Not going to be a popular

Opinion, but if that's what it

Took to give us that baby

Monster scene, then it was

f*cking worth it.

The underlying truth of north

Korea is that it is a dark place

-- Not just figuratively, but

Literally.

You can get a sense of how

Little development there has

Been when you look at it

From space.

See that void where there's

Almost no lights?

That's north korea.

It looks like a divorced dad's

Christmas tree, where he gave up

Halfway through hanging the

Lights, got drunk and fell

Asleep watching "ken burns:

Baseball."

And the kim family is known for

Their bone-chilling cruelty and

Mismanagement.

They were largely responsible

For the deaths of somewhere

Between six hundred thousand and



Famine in the 1990s.

And we know there are large,

Brutal camps where political

Dissidents are imprisoned --

Sometimes alongside their

Extended families.

Reporter: satellite images

Show their scale, but for a

Picture of what they're really

Like, we can only rely on those

Who've been there."

Reporter: these sketches are

The recollections of other

Prisoners who've managed to

Escape the camps.

John: that is truly horrific.

But the continued existence of

Those camps brings us to a

Really important point to

Understand:

Kim jong un is terrified of

Losing power.

And while we love to present him

As a madman, many experts

Believe his actions are

Motivated by rational

Self-preservation.

He has seen leaders like S*ddam

Hussein and moammar gadhafi

Scale back nuclear programs,

Only to be overthrown -- either

By the u.s., Or by their own

People -- and die gruesome

Deaths.

Dictators generally don't end

Their careers like disgraced

American politicians, with a

Stint on "dancing with the

Stars" -- although that would've

Been an incredible season.

S*ddam?

That foxtrot was a w*apon of

Mass seduction.

And moammar?

You worked hard and it showed.

So kim jong un has continued his

Family's "military first"

Policy, spending huge amounts of

Money on what is the fourth

Largest military on earth and an

Elaborate nuclear program, in an

Impoverished country whose

Economy has been estimated to be

Smaller than that of birmingham,

Alabama.

And birmingham is a small

Economy.

Their most notable export is

"American idol" season five

Winner taylor hicks.

Not that that's a bad thing.

Soul patrol forever!

So, how can kim jong un justify

That spending?

Well, he argues that the huge

Military is the only thing

Staving off imminent invasion

From a host of outsiders.

And that's where we come in.

Because the most dominant and

Useful villain in north korea's

Narrative is the united states.

And it's not like it comes out

Of nowhere.

We sided with the south during

The korean w*r.

And while many americans may've

Forgotten just how devastating

That w*r was, the north koreans

Haven't.

They have entire museums devoted

To american w*r atrocities.

And I'm not saying there were

None -- I don't think any were

Quite as over-the-top as this:

In the last liberation w*r,

During our strategic retreat,

The american hyenas occupied the

Land of shinchon.

They arrested min youngshik and

Stabbed her muscles with a

Three-pronged spear and sucked

Her flowing blood.

They also took the flesh from

Her thighs using a bayonet,

Dipped it in salt, and ate it.

John: in case you were

Wondering: yes, you can buy

Coasters depicting that scene in

The museum gift shop.

But they're $16, which is the

Real w*r crime!

And the north koreans'

Indoctrination in

Anti-americanism starts young,

As one defector remembers.

Yeonmi park: in math book

Says, you know, there are four

American bastards. You k*ll two

Of them.

Then how many american bastards

Left to k*ll.

And as a child I had to say,

"Two american bastards."

And that was my education.

John: wow!

It's fascinating when a

Country's culture seeps into

Their math lessons -- although

It's not surprising.

As a british child, our math

Questions were, "if johnny has

Two artifacts, and dinesh has

Two artifacts, then how many

Artifacts is johnny about to

Have?

The answer, of course: all the

Artifacts.

Dinesh's family can come visit

Them in the british museum

Whenever they're in town.

And the notion that north korea

Is working on a b*mb that can

"k*ll all the american bastards"

Is a tremendous source of

National pride -- there have

Been stamps depicting missiles

Hurtling towards the u.s.

Capitol, and a few years ago,

They produced a video depicting

The destruction of new york, set

To the least appropriate song

Imaginable.

♪ ♪

Yes, that was a karaoke version

Of "we are the world", set to

New york in flames.

And the last time I saw a

Karaoke song with background

Imagery that inappropriate was

Every time I have ever sung

Karaoke.

I don't know what l.l. Cool j's

"Doin' it" has to do with these

Two babies in a field of

Sunflowers, but it's making me

Uncomfortable.

So the north korean regime has

Been very careful about

Presenting a threatening image

Of americans to its people.

And some activists have actually

Been trying to undermine that by

Sneaking information into the

Country on usb drives.

Kangchol hwan: we send

Various content from stories on

Human rights, general

Information on south korea, to

Images depicting the average

American.

Karla murthy: or a fictional

Version of the average american:

Tv shows like "the mentalist"

And "desperate housewives."

Kang says scenes like this one

From "ncis"--

Ncis detective: anything you

Say can and will be used against

You in a court of law.

Karla murthy: -- that show

Police officers reading suspects

Their rights are especially

Useful.

John: well, if nothing else,

We finally have our answer to

The decade-long question: "who

The f*ck is watching 'ncis'?"

It's all your mom's friends, and

The people of north korea.

And if you think about it,

That's very dangerous for kim

Jong un.

If people get a sense that the

Image of america he has

Carefully painted for them is

False, he could have big

Problems.

And when you understand him in

That light -- as a dictator

Desperately hedging against a

Loss of power -- it's possible

To understand why all his recent

Threats against the united

States have been reckless, but,

In his mind, rational.

And that brings us to the key

Question:

What are we going to do about

This?

On the campaign trail, donald

Trump made it all seem simple.

Trump: they said, "would you

Speak to the leader of north

Korea?"

I said, "absolutely.

Why not?

Why not?"

And they come out, "trump would

Speak to him!"

Who the hell cares?

I'll speak to anybody.

Who knows?

There's a ten percent or a

Twenty percent chance that I can

Talk him out of those damn

Nukes, 'cause who the hell wants

Him to have nukes?

And there's a chance!

John: except no, there really

Isn't.

Partly remember: kim jong-un

Believes they are critical for

His survival, and on top of

That, donald trump is a shitty

Negotiator.

In his short presidency, he's

Failed to get mexico to pay for

His stupid wall, failed to get a

Congress his party controls to

Pass a health care bill, and

Even when his administration

Does get something done, it

Oversells it, like when the

White house announced a trade

Deal with china as "very big

News", "gigantic", and

"Herculean", but its one

Much-celebrated component turned

Out to be lifting a ban on beef

Imports that china had

Preliminarily agreed to last

September.

So way to f*cking go, donald!

What a very big, herculean deal!

Thanks to you -- except not

Entirely thanks to you --

America is now marginally more

Able to export beef again!

And since taking office, trump

Has voiced support for an even

Simpler solution:

Trump: china is helping us

Possibly or probably with the

North korean situation.

Okay?

Which is a great thing.

Great.

John: so, in the span of 14

Seconds, he said the word

"Great" twice,

He pronounced "china" with three

Syllables, suggested someone

Else should do the work for him,

And threw in a "possibly or

Probably", rendering the whole

Thing meaningless.

I think I just hit trump bingo,

And the prize I want is to go

Drown in a river.

But trump's idea of convincing

China to exert influence on

North korea is not inherently

Crazy -- china shares an



Korea, and accounts for as much

As 90 percent of north korea's

Total trade, so they have

Significant leverage.

But some are skeptical about

Just what china could, or is

Willing to, do.

Take sanctions.

The u.n. Have tried multiple

Rounds of increasingly-harsh

Sanctions, but north korea has

Found easy ways around them.

Ri jong ho: north korea is a



Companies change their names the

Next day if they are listed for

Sanctions.

That way the company stays, but

With different names whenever

There are sanctions.

If I'm included in the list, my

Name can be changed too.

John: yeah, that is some weak

Enforcement.

Think about it this way:

Let's say hbo decided they

Wanted to cancel this show.

Their hand would be pretty weak

If I was able to get around that

Simply by changing the name to

"Earlier times but now, starring

Spance mörgendörffer."

And it's true that china could

Increase enforcement of its

Sanctions, but they're

Understandably worried about

Where it could lead.

Zakaria: what they worry

About is, if they do that, will

The regime collapse?

What does that mean?

Millions of refugees pouring

Into china, possibly a unified

Korea that is then a

Pro-american country sitting on

Their southern border, which,

Don't forget, there are 30,000

American troops in south korea,

Which would then be on china's

Border, and, by the way, 15

Nuclear weapons.

John: you know there are a

Lot of problems when you end up

Saying "and by the way: 15

Nuclear weapons."

Imagine if you were a babysitter

"Okay, you've got his epipen,

You know about his nut allergy,

He needs his inhaler every hour

And by the way: he has 15

Nuclear weapons."

Now, trump's also been

Mentioning military solutions.

But even targeted strikes

Against weapons systems could

Get out of hand very fast.

North korea has an estimated



Stationed just north of the dmz,

Which is here.

And that a*tillery is capable of

Reaching seoul, which is 40

Miles away, and is an area with



So even a non-nuclear w*r could

Have horrifying results.

And let's engage in some truly

Magical thinking:

What if you could somehow "just"

Take out kim jong un?

Well, you've probably got an

Immediate humanitarian crisis,

As well as a leaderless country

With a power vacuum and nuclear

Weapons.

And as we've learned from iraq

And afghanistan, when regimes

Fall and there's no plan in

Place, that vacuum can be filled

With terrible things.

We don't want to find out what

North korea's !sis would be.

Even just the phrase "north

Korea's !sis" is terrifying.

It's like saying "9/11's bill

Cosby."

What would that even be?

I hope we never have to find

Out.

So sanctions are no guarantee,

And military action could be

Catastrophic.

And diplomacy is going to be

Extremely difficult, given that

You usually need to have a

Specific goal in mind, and trump

Seems to be making all of this

Up as he goes.

Erin burnett: "we are

Learning stunning new details

About president trump's

Extraordinary fire and fury

Threat tonight, multiple sources

Telling cnn the president

Adlibbed those words, they were

Improvised on the fly.

John: oh, for f*ck's sake.

That's just not a good idea.

As I'm sure someone has said to

Wayne brady at a funeral more

Than once: now is not a good

Time to improvise.

Here's a one-word suggestion,

Wayne: mourn.

Mourn like a person.

And look, that's not a surprise!

Deep down, we all assumed he was

Winging it.

We've become accustomed to

Discounting a percentage of what

Comes out of his face.

But north korea is listening to

What he says.

And the people there have been

Primed for decades to believe

America is on the brink of an

Invasion.

Just look at their government's

Response to his "fire and fury"

Line:

The american commander in

Chief remains stuck at a golf

Course, oblivious to what is

Happening and talking about such

Nonsense as 'fire and fury'.

Since it is impossible to have

Talks with people who are

Incapable of rational thought,

The strategic armed forces has

Judged that we must respond with

Absolute force.

John: okay, just to be clear:

The president is not "stuck" at

A golf course.

Unless the cart ran out of gas

And he has to walk.

In which case, yes, the

President is very much stuck at

The golf course, and may very

Well need to be airlifted out.

So this is where we are: we have

Two nuclear-armed leaders, who

Are accustomed to issuing empty

Threats to impress their own

People, currently goading each

Other towards armageddon.

Which is terrifying.

And I don't really have a

Solution to this.

But part of me would love the

Chance to speak directly to the

North korean people.

So on the off chance that this

Show is smuggled over their

Border on a usb drive crammed

With ncis episodes, I'll just

Say this:

Hi, north korea.

You may be hearing some

Frightening rhetoric from our

President.

But -- if it helps -- when our

President says words, he doesn't

Necessarily mean what those

Words mean.

It's incredibly hard to

Describe.

We're still trying to wrap our

Heads around it ourselves.

It's our problem, but it's kind

Of your problem now, too.

But I want to talk to you about

Some misconceptions.

Because we certainly have some

About you, but you should

Ideally know that we are not

Remotely what your state

Propaganda implies, either.

We honestly don't spend our days

Plotting your destruction.

We spend them sharing cat

Memes, and spinning fidgii, and

Getting furiously angry about a

Singing boy barely appearing in

Our favorite dragon show.

So for what it's worth, I'd like

To give you a sense of how

America is feeling right now, in

A way that you might understand

And enjoy.

And that's through the

International language of the

Accordion.

And I have good news and bad

News.

The bad news is, I do not play

The accordion.

The good news is, I know someone

Who plays it like a f*cking

Angel.

Ladies, gentlemen, and the

People of north korea, please

Welcome mr. Weird al yankovic.

[Cheers and applause]

♪ Would you ♪

♪Annihilate us if you had the

Chance? That's ♪

♪ Such an anti-social thing to

Do ♪

♪ You've got us crapping our

Collective pants ♪

♪ May I suggest you take it down

A notch or two? ♪

♪ We're not exactly sure why

You're upset ♪

♪ Did that seth rogen movie make

You super mad? ♪

♪ You'd like us if you got to

Know us I bet ♪

♪ We're mostly harmless, decent

People ♪

♪ Hey, we're really not so bad

My point is ♪

♪ Please don't nuke us, north

Korea! ♪

♪ Right now we're all a little

Tense ♪

♪ Believe me, we don't hate you!

Frankly ♪

♪ We don't even think that much

About you ♪

♪ No offense! ♪

♪ Now you might call us "blood

Thirsty dogs" ♪

♪ But that metaphor's not very

Apt ♪

♪ We're just a bunch of simple

Fidget spinnin' goofy dorks ♪

♪ Who probably couldn't find

Your country on a map ♪

♪ No, we're not savages or

Cannibals. Well ♪

♪ Maybe just a really, really,

Really small percent ♪

♪ So I think it would be best if

You'd knock off ♪

♪ Those m*ssile tests ♪

♪ Don't turn us into cinder

While we're swipin' right on

Tinder ♪

♪ Don't jump-start armageddon or

Our beds we'll soon be wettin' ♪

♪ Won't you think this through

For a moment. Please ♪

♪ Now why would you b*mb our

Nice celebrities? ♪

♪ Oh, why in the world would you

k*ll tom hanks? ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody doesn't like tom

Hanks! ♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪ So, please don't nuke us north

Korea! ♪

♪ That would seriously ruin our

Day. Remember ♪

♪ We're not evil psychotic

Monsters ♪

♪ No matter what the news might

Say ?

♪ We're just those goofballs

From the u.s. ♪

♪ Aaaaaaaaa hey! ♪

[Cheers and applause]

John: that's our show.

Thank you for watching, we'll

See you next week.

Good night!

♪ ♪