04x20 - United States Border Patrol

[bunniefuu]

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[Cheers and applause]

John: welcome, welcome,

Welcome to

"Last week tonight."

I'm john oliver.

Thank you so much for joining

Us.

Much like the disintegration of

Western civilization, we begin

Tonight with donald trump.

The donald trump jr. Of american

Presidents.

And if, around 5:00 p.m. On

Friday, you suddenly started

Feeling a little calmer, it may

Be because this happened.

Tonight, president donald

Trump is getting away from the

Washington heat.

The president arrived in new

Jersey just a little while ago

To begin a seventeen day

Vacation.

John: yes, trump is taking a



Means, more importantly, america

May be getting a 17-day vacation

From trump.

Which is exciting, right?

Although, while he's there,

He'll still have access to the

Nuclear codes, and, even worse,

Wi-fi, so don't relax.

Never relax.

Your life is a t*rture chamber

Of fear and panic.

But that was friday, and trump

Was leaving at the end of what

The white house had dubbed

"American dream week,"

Which trump chose to mark by

Demeaning as many american

Institutions as he possibly

Could, beginning with this.

After that political speech

To the boy scouts last week, the

President told

"The wall street journal"

The head of the boy scouts

Personally called him to say it

Was the greatest speech that was

Ever made to them and they were

Very thankful.

But actually, the speech angered

So many, the boy scouts were

Forced to issue an apology and

Yesterday they said there was no

Phone call.

John: okay, so let me get

This straight.

Trump showed up, said a bunch of

Crazy shit, then lied to make

Himself look good.

I'm not sure why the boy scouts

Are so upset.

You booked trump and you got

Trump.

You can't book gallagher and

Then suddenly complain when

You go home covered in melon

Juice.

If you're not familiar with his

Act by now, it's kind of on you.

But trump was just getting

Started.

Even as that controversy was

Still going, a new one emerged.

According to

"Sports illustrated"'s

Golf.com, president trump

Explained to members of one of

His golf clubs that he goes to

His own properties so frequently

These days because, quote, "that

White house is a real dump."

John: yes, it seems odd to

Call an objectively grand

Residence "a dump," until you

Remember trump's taste in

Interior design is a cross

Between c-3po's colon, and a

Museum where no one has ever

Learned anything.

Trump quickly issued a statement

Denying that he'd said that,

Tweeting,

"I love the white house, one of

The most beautiful buildings"

Parentheses "homes I have ever

Seen."

And that's two qualifiers!

In one sentence!

It's the equivalent of saying,

"I love my wife.

She is one of the most beautiful

Women parentheses older than 30

I have ever seen."

But the journalist who wrote the

Story stood by it, stating that

Trump "said this in front of

Eight or nine" people.

Which is a pretty brilliant way

To get trump to confirm it:

Estimate the size of his crowd

And just wait for him to correct

You.

"No, I didn't call the white

House a "dump" in front of eight

Or nine people -- I said it in

Front of "hundreds of thousands"

Of people, and all of them were



And the next day everyone called

Me and told me no one had ever

Done a better job of calling the

White house a dump.

Nobody had done it!

I'm sad inside!"

And trump still wasn't done --

Because on thursday, it emerged

That in a conversation with

Mexico's president, he had

Shit-talked an entire american

State.

While talking about stopping

The flow of dr*gs into the

United states, the president

Also said this, and I'm quoting

Him, "I won new hampshire

Because new hampshire is a

Drug-infested den."

John: okay, first, obviously,

He's wrong about winning new

Hampshire.

He lost it in the general.

But second, I'm not going to sit

Here and defend the state of

New hampshire.

I haven't lost some terrible

Dare.

But that is not the way to shit,

Even if you want to do it, on

New hampshire.

If you want to do that, just

Point out it's nothing more than



And lyme disease, and it's the

Only state so boring, it can

Genuinely make you say, "oh,

Thank god, we're in maine now."

And I don't want to give you the

Impression that it was only

Trump in the white house

Attacking cornerstones of

America.

It was also stephen miller,

Policy adviser and

Vitamin-d-deficient minion.

Yes, you might well think,

"That's unfair.

Anyone can find a photo of

Someone looking a bit like a

Minion."

But with miller, it is genuinely

Hard to find a photo of him not

Looking like a minion.

I'll show you.

Frowny minion,

Smoochy minion,

Smiley minion!

Look!

They're both happy because

They're planning something!

In any case, miller spoke to the

Press this week about the white

House's support for a draconian

Immigration bill, which would

Slash legal immigration levels

In half over a decade, and make

Citizenship contingent

On factors such as english

Ability, education levels, and

Job skills.

Which prompted this incredible

Exchange with cnn's jim acosta.

The statue of liberty says,

"Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to

Breathe free."

It doesn't say anything about

Speaking english or being able

To be a computer programmer.

The poem that you're

Referring to, that was added

Later

It's not actually a part of the

Original statue of liberty.

John: wait, though.

Just because it wasn't part of

The original doesn't mean it's

Worthless.

Some of the best things ever

Made were changed partway

Through.

Did you know there was a time

Where "fast and furious" movies

Didn't have the rock?

It's true!

They sucked!

That's why they added the

f*cking rock!

It wasn't the greatest piece of

Communication from

Stephen miller, so of course,

The white house is now

Considering him for the

Communications director job,

Taking over for the dearly

Departed "mooch."

And that would be a lot of

Responsibility for a man who is

-- And this might be the most

Shocking thing you learn tonight

-- 31 Years old.



He is the same age as the olsen

Twin.

That's right.

I said twin.

There's only one in that photo,

She's tricking your eyes by

Moving very quickly.

How is she doing that in a still

Photograph?

I don't know that yet, but I'm

Close.

I'm really close.

The point is, miller is so young

There are actually videos on the

Internet of what he was like in

High school.

And first of all, obviously:

Minion.

But second: it's actually a

Video of him campaigning for

Student government, and it gives

You a sense of what we might all

Be in for if he does become the

New mooch.

Am I the only one who is sick

And tired of being told to pick

Up my trash when we have plenty

Of janitors who are paid to do

It for us?

John: wow.

He is truly one of the most

Revolting humans -- parentheses

Minions -- I have ever seen.

You know, in a way there is no

More fitting spokesman for the

Trump administration than an

Entitled, elitist assh*le who

Refuses to take responsibility

For the messes he makes, and who

Can somehow manage to pick a

Fight with a f*cking statue.

And now this:

Announcer: and now, you

Wish you loved anything as much

As seattle gardening expert

Ciscoe morris loves everything.

It's time to clean out the

Garden.

There is room for new plans out

There.

This is the best tomato on

Earth.

Oh, I love that plant.

I love this nursery!

Great plans!

This is a really cool plant.

This is the ugliest plant in the

World but I love it!

I love times!

I use these on a banister on my

Porch!

[Laughs]

I am so excited!

Look, the rhubarb is starting to

Bud!

It's so cute!

Rhubarb!

I just saw a rhubarb butting up

In my garden!

And I love it!

I am going to harvest the living

Beetle hopper out of you!

It does smell good.

Flavorful!

[Laughs]

Oh la la.

Oh la la!

Oh la la!

Oh la la!

Oh, I love doing this!

Can I do this?

Look at that one!

♪ ♪

[Applause]

John: moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns

The border.

The boundary that is incredibly

Tough to smuggle a monkey

Across...i'm told.

Shhhhhh...

President trump has famously

Made securing the border a key

Priority for his administration,

Most notably through his

Border wall, something which, as

We've pointed out before, he

Himself inadvertently found a

Flaw in on the campaign trail.

There's no ladder going over

That.

If they ever get up there,

They're in trouble, because

There's no way to get down.

Maybe a rope.

John: yeah, maybe a rope.

I know that sounds stupid, but

To be fair, you haven't heard

Phase six of donald trump's

Border security plan:

Go get me all the ropes.

And while that wall idea has

Received a lot of coverage, it's

By no means trump's only border

Plan.

One of his more benign-sounding,

But potentially no less

Dangerous ideas, concerns

The border patrol.

And first, let's be clear about

Who they are.

They're part of

Customs and border protection.

They're not i.c.e., Who you may

Know from immigration raids.

They're also not

Customs officers, who you see

At airports and border

Crossings.

Nor are they the

"Borders patrol," a group of

Vigilantes who defend abandoned

Borders bookstores from

Raccoons.

No, the border patrol are the

People in green uniforms who

Literally patrol the boundaries

Of our country.

There are around 20,000 of them,

But trump, in an executive

Order, has called for them to

Add 5,000 more, to tackle the

Many problems he sees on our

Southern border.

Let's stop the dr*gs and the

Crime from pouring into our

Country.

You can certainly have

t*rrorists, you can certainly

Have islamic t*rrorists -- you

Can have anything coming across

The border.

We're going to have a strong,

Strong, strong border that

People are going to respect and

The dr*gs are not going to be

Flowing across like gravy.

John: now, that right there

Is what happens when donald

Trump starts a sentence feeling

Xenophobic and ends it feeling

Hungry.

"We need to stop mexicans coming

In like hot fudge sundaes coming

Into my tummy.

Three scoops, whipped cream, no

Cherry because I don't do

Fruit."

But for the record: border

Patrol agents do a lot more than

Fight dr*gs, crime, and gravy.

In recent years, the number of

Mexicans apprehended crossing

The border has dramatically

Dropped, and has now been

Surpassed by the sharp rise in

Migrants fleeing v*olence in

Central america, for whom there

Is a legal process to seek

Asylum here.

Meaning that agents' days can

Frequently include moments like

This.

The bocche family take their

First tentative steps into the

United states of america.

Within seconds, the border

Patrol are on them, there's no

Chase, no tension, they expected

To be caught.

As we film, another two

Figures emerge, a mother and her

Daughter.

They're given blankets to

Protect them from the cold.

John: that is not what people

Expect when they think of the

Border.

In the venn diagram of

"Hardened drug dealers" and

"People who need blankets," that

Middle section is pretty much

Just linus.

Oh, I'm sorry, he's not a drug

Dealer?

The messy hair, the stripey

Shirt, the thumb sucking -- he

Sells ecstasy at raves, and he's

High on his own supply all the

Time!

There is no great pumpkin!

He's a junkie!

Someone intervene!

But it's moments like that that

Show how difficult the job of a

Border patrol agent can be --

Because in that moment, they're

Delivering aid and processing

Migrants, and later that day,

They might be chasing down drug

Traffickers.

It's a mixture between

Humanitarian work and law

Enforcement, and not everyone

Can do it.

And that is what makes trump's

Plan to expand the border patrol

By 25 percent so concerning.

Because if you hire agents

Quickly and badly, it can

Actually leave us much less

Safe, and have devastating

Consequences.

And we know this because we've

Been down this road before.

So tonight, I'd like to talk to

You about the last border patrol

Hiring surge.

Because it wasn't that long ago.

After the so-called bungling

Of intelligence leading up to



Is determined to shore things up

At the borders.

As part of that mandate, the

Border patrol expanded from ten

Thousand agents to twenty

Thousand.

John: it's true, the late



Patrol agents that was matched

Only by the surge in the number

Of reality shows about people

Making cakes.

There were so many, you don't

Even know which one of these I

Made up.

It was "cake cucks."

Which I guarantee you will be in

Production by next week.

Now, to meet the surge's

Ambitious targets, recruitment

Was aggressive.

And the government advertised

Everywhere, even at one point,

Doing this.

The border patrol spent $8.4

Million sponsoring this car,

Getting it detailed, and

Staffing recruiting booths.

John: that is honestly true!

They sponsored a nascar team,

Putting the border patrol in

Such fine company as other

Actual nascar sponsors, depends

Underwear and boudreaux's

Butt paste.

A product for, I assume, people

Who want their butt pasted

Closed.

And that wasn't all.

They also ran slickly produced

Tv ads like this.

As a mobile law enforcement

Arm of the department of

Homeland security, it is the job

Of the border patrol to prevent

t*rrorists and t*rror1st weapons

And all those who seek to do us

Harm from entering the united

States.

Ground units are on the way.

The border patrol.

We protect america.

Are you up to the challenge?

John: you have to admit, they

Make the job look very exciting.

Although, in fairness, anything

Said in that voice would be

Exciting.

"Here is my kitten.

I named him bootsie.

Don't wee on the rug, bootsie!

I'm not sure he likes me as much

As I like him!"

But the truth of the job is,

Most agents work alone

Patrolling vast swaths of

Desert.

And while some days feature

Bursts of action, others can

Involve absolutely nothing --

Which can be challenging in and

Of itself.

One of the larger problems is

Boredom.

It doesn't mean that it's

Never dangerous.

There are bandits out there,

There are drug organizations out

There.

What they're not really getting

Is preparation for the boring

Non-risky reality of almost all

Of their career.

John: exactly.

Boredom is a significant part of

Life as a border patrol agent.

And they should probably train

For it.

For every hour they spend in

Target practice, they should

Probably spend ten hours

Watching

"Mozart in the jungle."

Are you funny?

Am I supposed to care about you?

Who is that woman with the oboe?

I'm confused, but also bored.

But the big problem was that, as

They doubled in size, meeting

And maintaining their hiring

Quotas meant their screening

Process wasn't always as strong

As it could have been.

It was only late in the surge

That the cbp started giving

Applicants polygraph tests --

Something that most other

Federal law-enforcement agencies

Do.

And to listen to

James tomsheck, who headed

Internal affairs for cbp through

Most of the surge, their

Findings indicated they probably

Should have done that sooner.

The shocking discovery we

Found was that more than half of

The persons who had cleared

Background investigations failed

The polygraph examination.

The vast majority of them

Providing detailed descriptions

Of the criminal activity they

Had been involved in.

John: think about that.

Over half of cbp's applicants,

Who had cleared the highest

Level of background check, were

Found unsuitable for service.

And some of what they confessed

To was incredible.

One applicant admitted to

Smoking marijuana 20,000 times

In a 10-year-period,

Kudos to that individual,

While another stated he

Had "no independent recollection

Of the events that resulted in a

Blood-doused kitchen, and was

Uncertain if he committed any

Crime during his three-hour

Black out."

Which I'm going to go ahead and

Say, yes, you did commit a

Crime!

Or at the very least, you

Really f*cked up a souffle.

I mean, he was f*cked that up

Bad!

And the problems increased once

The new agents were hired,

Because the training was also

Significantly cut back.

And that caused real issues, as

One trainer revealed while, for

Some reason, disguised as an

Asthmatic scarecrow.

We are disguising the face

And voice of this veteran agent

And training instructor because

Of fears of retaliation.

We went from a 20-week course

To a 12-week course.

So the standards were

Lowered.

Well, they say the standards

Weren't lowered but they were.

John: what is happening?

He sounds like jesse ventura

After swallowing one of those

Novelty cow voice noisemakers.

And look: I know it is hard to

Pay attention to what robot

Neil young is saying, but it's

Genuinely worth listening to

Where they cut corners.

The source told us, spanish

Language classes and physical

Training were cut back.

The person was so out of

Shape I actually had to treat

The trainee and the bad guy got

Away.

Pretty much everybody gets

Through the academy.

John: they cut back on

Spanish and physical training.

So, the new standards affected

Agents' ability to talk to the

People they caught, and their

Ability to catch the people they

Wanted to talk to.

Which seem pretty essential

Facets of their job.

It's like if the training

Program at seaworld left out

"Putting on a wetsuit" and

"Systematically driving

Carnivorous whales insane."

That's the whole job!

Take them away, you are left

With nothing else.

And consequently, in the years

Following the surge, as the

Ranks grew, corruption and

Excessive force skyrocketed.

Misconduct became such a problem

That, at one point, the border

Patrol felt it needed to issue a

Memo about the fact their agents

Were averaging two

Alcohol-related arrests per

Week.

And some agents' off-duty

Run-ins with the law were even

More spectacular.

Tonight, two border agents

Are on leave, after a woman says

They put on a lewd show during

Cirque du soleil, performing a

Sex act in front of children.

The accusations don't stop

There.

The couple is suspected of being

Drunk and violent.

John: wow.

Now, I should tell you, one

Agent was found guilty of

Assaulting the woman who

Complained, but both denied that

Anything sexual was happening,

And they were found not guilty

Of the sex act.

Presumably because they were at

Cirque du soleil, where

Everything looks like a sex act.

I'll show you.

This is a sex act,

This is a sex act,

This is a wildly difficult sex

Act,

That's a bird-person sex act,

And I have absolutely no idea

What's happening there, but I

Think it's the thing that

Steve bannon's supposed to be

Good at.

And things got more serious than

That.

Since 2005, 77 agents were

Arrested or indicted for

Corruption.

And if you think about it,

Border patrol agents are

Particularly attractive to drug

Traffickers.

Remember: they often work on

Their own, patrolling the

Border.

Which, as one journalist points

Out, is a pretty potent recipe

For trouble.

One border patrol agent can

Undo an incredible amount of

Good that all the other border

Patrol agents do.

One border patrol agent can wave

In tons of dr*gs.

And you know --

You mean that literally.

I literally.

Absolutely literally.

John: yes, this is one of the

Only cases where someone saying

"A ton of dr*gs" actually means

"A literal ton of dr*gs."

No, kevin.

You did not do a "ton" of dr*gs.

You took a benadryl, made out

With a goldfish, and passed out

With your head in the

Dishwasher.

Pull your life together.

And let me give you just a taste

Of the kind of spectacular

Corruption involved.

Take agent joel luna, who, it

Turned out, had a brother in the

Gulf cartel, and who was

Convicted of engaging in

Organized crime, with some

Pretty striking evidence

Emerging during a house search.

We ended up finding a safe, a

Black safe.

We found $89,000 in cash.

Joel luna's commemorative

Border patrol badge, kilo and a

Half of cocaine,

Methamphetamine.

A g*n that's tied directly to

The gulf cartel.

It says "gulf cartel" on it.

It's hard to explain that away.

It's hard to explain why your

Border patrol badge is in a safe

With cocaine, money, and a

Cartel p*stol.

John: yeah.

That is really hard to explain.

The best I can do is, "my badge

Had a drug problem that it

Couldn't bear to tell me about,

So finally it decided to sh**t

Itself with a g*n we found on a

Case, planning to die surrounded

By its money because its views

On death resembled those of the

Ancient egyptians."

But even then, we're talking

About a sentient police badge

With an interest in egyptology,

So you're already banking on a

Pretty large suspension of

Disbelief.

Oh, and you should know:

Luna was hired during the last

Recruitment surge.

And cbp will tell you what they

Told us, that "while some agents

Did disgrace the badge with

Corruption, the vast majority

Did not."

Although it is worth knowing

That tomsheck, the internal

Affairs guy, believes the

Problem is bigger than they

Imply.

Mr. Luna is not one bad

Apple.

He is part of a rate of

Corruption that exceeded that of

Any other u.s> federal law

Enforcement agency.

John: so it's less "one bad

Apple" than "oh my god, this is

A lot of bad apples."

Which, by the way, should be the

Marketing theme for

"Red delicious apples."

"Red delicious apples: well, at

Least we got the 'red' part

Right!"

And it gets even worse.

Because remember, these agents

Have g*ns.

And they have made some bad

Decisions.

And you may have seen coverage

Of some of the tragic incidents.

In a string of sh**t by

The border patrol that have

Stirred up emotions at the

Border, there's one case in

Particular that has become a

Rallying cry for justice, a

sh**ting of a 16-year-old boy

Named jose antonio elena

Rodriguez.

They say their agents were

Threatened by somebody throwing

Rocks on this side of the fence,

But standing here, the first

Thing you ask yourself is could

A 16-year-old boy really

thr*aten somebody standing on

Top of what's at least a 20 foot

Cliff and on the other side of

That fence?

John: yeah, that does seem

Pretty unlikely.

And to explain why, tune in next

Week, where our main story will

Be gravity.

Archnemesis to the concept of

"Up."

Now, so you know: that case is

Still in the courts.

And agents can sometimes feel

Threatened by rock throwers.

But it's worth pointing out that

A report which looked at 25

Cases where border patrol agents

Shot people who'd thrown rocks

Concluded that "too many cases

Do not appear to meet the test

Of objective reasonableness with

Regard to the use of deadly

Force."

Which I believe is

Law-enforcement-speak for "holy

Shit, you shot at some people

You should not have f*cking shot

At.

Maybe don't do that as much?"

Oh, and there is one more thing

About the agent in that

Fence-sh**ting that will not

Surprise you.

He was one of those persons

Hired by the border patrol

During the surge.

John: of course he was.

And yet, despite all these

Warning signs, we're about to

Embark on another ambitious

Border patrol hiring surge.

And cbp will tell you not to

Worry -- that, in recent years,

They've improved hiring and made

Reforms.

For instance, they've slightly

Increased transparency, and

Given agents more non-lethal

Weapons, like pepper spray g*ns,

As well as rewriting their

Use-of-force rulebook to -- and

I quote -- prohibit the sh**ting

Of suspects fleeing the scene

Who do not pose a threat to

Themselves or others.

That is great!

Although it does seem to be one

Of those rules you shouldn't

Have had to write down.

If you went to a zoo and there

Were a giant sign that said

"Please don't finger the

Armadillos," you would wonder

What the f*ck had happened

Before that sign went up.

But the problem is,

Many other reforms have not been

Made, and it's hard to believe

That they will be, now that

President gravy-dr*gs is in

Charge.

In fact, worryingly, there's

Already been talk that hiring

Standards might drop again, with

Suggestions like a shorter

Polygraph, or removing parts of

The entrance exam.

And most frustrating of all,

There may be no reason for us to

Take this risk at all, because a

Report from the inspector

General for homeland security

Questions whether we even need



And yet, trump seems determined

To do this.

Who knows why.

There is a fairly good chance he

Only said 5,000 because someone

Told him five brazilian is not a

Real number.

And look: whatever your feelings

About the laws the border patrol

Have been given to enforce --

And I have plenty -- you want

The best possible people

Enforcing them.

Because if you don't, as we've

Seen, bad things happen.

This is a story about the danger

Of not learning from your

Mistakes.

And for the sake of absolutely

Everybody -- people on both

Sides of the border, and the

Good border patrol agents just

Trying to do a difficult job

Well -- if we're going to hire

All these new people, the very

Least we can do is be more

Careful this time around.

And one tiny step would be to

Have recruitment ads that shows

Potential agents what the job is

"Really" like.

♪ ♪

Announcer: the border

Patrol.

Protect america and we are

Hiring, again.

But this time, we are going to

Do it right.

Are you looking for an exciting,

Heart pounding adventure?

May be go skydiving or try

Parkour or do whatever the f*ck

This is.

But the border patrol may not be

For you because a lot of the

Time, the job looks less like

This and more like this.

That's right.

Just you, the desert, and

Nothing for miles around.

This could be your lunch break.

This is a job that could combine

Hours of boredom with sudden

Bursts of action.

Oh, shit.

I got people moving.

I need backup!

And about that action.

It definitely can involve people

Entering illegally or drug

Smugglers, but a surprising

Amount of the time, it involves

Desperate migrants for whom you

Are the first point of contact

In a system ill-equipped to

Cater to their needs.

These guys...

Here.

I don't...

Shit!

This job is not for everyone

And that's why this time, we are

Not advertising to nascar.

This time, we are recruiting

With us sweet honda odyssey, a

Practical car for reasonable,

Methodical people.

Please make sure you read the

Entirety of those new ones text

Before making any decisions.

And some of it is in spanish

Because it would be really

Useful if you could speak that.

But just to be clear, if you

Want to f*ck at

Cirque du soleil, this is not

The drug for you.

And we will find out.

Last question.

Have you ever, and I mean never,

Considered having sexual

Relations or performance of

Exotically dressed canadian

Acrobats?

No.

We are done here.

The point is, if you are

Kind, physically fit, impervious

To bribery or boredom, and you

Want to serve your country by

Enforcing a controversial and

Ever-changing set of policies

And the most humane way

Possible, then, give us a call.

The border patrol.

We are hiring!

Wish us luck with that.

Circus f*ckers may not apply.

John: that is our show.

Thank you so much.

Good night!

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