04x19 - Alex Jones and InfoWars

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John: welcome,

Welcome, welcome

To "last week tonight."

I'm john oliver.

Thank you so much

For joining us.

We have been away for most

Of july.

So we've clearly missed a lot,

From kid rock possibly running

For the senate to

O.j. Simpson getting parole to

Jared kushner actually speaking

Out loud following his testimony

Before a senate committee.

My name is jared kushner.

I am senior adviser to president

Donald j. Trump.

When my father-in-law decided to

Run for president, I served his

Campaign the best I could.

John: I told you that's what

His voice sounded like!

I told you, and you wouldn't

Believe me!

That happened on monday.

That happened this monday.

And if it feels like it happened

A month ago, that's all thanks

To president trump, who seems to

Be bending the space-time

Continuum in order to fill

A week with more news than it

Can scientifically contain.

And this week may've actually

Been notable not just for

The terrible things trump tried

To do but for how terribly

He tried to do them.

Take what happened on wednesday

Morning.

A policy pronouncement

From the president of

The united states.

He just took a major stance,

Saying that he will ban

Transgender people from serving

In the u.s. Military.

John: look, that's as hateful

As it is pointless.

We may be entering the mad libs

Portion of trump's presidency,

Where he persecutes groups

At random.

Transgender people banned

From the military.

Pacific islanders can no longer

Use the postal service.

And jews can no longer

High-five.

Sorry, jews.

And to make this even worse,

Trump not only announced this

Policy over twitter, but across

Three tweets, the first of which

Read, "after consultation

With my generals and military

Experts, please be advised that

The united states government

Will not accept or allow..."

Then there was a nine-minute

Gap, presumably while

He finished his breakfast of

Deep fried big macs

And mashed doritos.

And according to one report,

Even his own generals were

Concerned about what might be

Coming next.

It was reported that generals

At the pentagon were nervous for

Nine minutes until the second

Tweet came out, because they

Thought the president might be

Declaring w*r on north korea.

That's a pretty scary thought.

John: a "pretty" scary

Thought?

No.

Donald trump declaring w*r

On north korea with a tweet

Is the scariest ten consecutive

Words in the english language,

And I'm including on that list:

"A clown waits for you in your

House, softly whistling,"

And "sharks can fly now,

And they know where you live."

And as the military soon

Informed the president,

It doesn't take its marching

Orders from f*cking twitter.

General joseph dunford said

"There will be no modification

To the current policy until

The order goes through

The proper channels."

John: exactly.

The military needs instructions

Delivered through the proper

Chain of command.

You can't change policy over

The same channels that

Justin bieber once used to tweet

"Random shout-out to all my sexy

Ladies.

Haha."

Meanwhile, there was also

A development regarding

The repeal of obamacare,

Which, remember, was a signature

Goal for donald trump's

Presidency, along with,

Presumably, passing

Comprehensive

Pro-daughter-dating legislation

And getting to second base

With a truck.

Well, this week, the repeal

Ran aground

In spectacular fashion.

The g.o.p. Drive to appeal

Obamacare fell apart

At 1:29 a.m. Eastern time.

Mr. Mccain.

When arizona senator

John mccain flashed

A thumbs-down,

Drawing gasps and some applause

From democrats.

John: wow, I haven't seen

A group of senators break into

Spontaneous applause like that

Since every time ted cruz

Leaves a room.

Oh, he's going.

Mccain's vote was an incredibly

Dramatic moment, although cnn

Couldn't help trying to amp up

The drama even more.

1:29 A.m., Senator mccain

Re-enters the chamber.

Senate majority leader

Mitch mcconnell stands at the

Front of the room like he had

Most of the night.

Mccain waves his hand to get the

Attention of the senate clerk,

Pauses for just a moment,

And gives a dramatic

Thumbs-down.

Senator elizabeth warren

Leans in to get a better look

And breaks into applause.

Senator dianne feinstein,

A single, assertive clap.

John: "meanwhile,

Senator roy blunt shakes his

Fist at the heavens, wondering

How an omniscient god could be

So cruel, while senator

Claire mccaskill does something

That looks like the macarena

And the ghost of strom thurmond

Carves a racial epithet into a

Wooden desk using the blunted

Edge of a mechanical pencil."

But all this drama somehow took

A back seat this week to the one

Unfolding within the white

House, where both

Sean spicer and reince preibus

Have resigned, following the

Appointment as communications

Director of anthony scaramucci,

A former hedge-funder

And "long islander of

The frickin' month"

For 643 months in a row.

Scaramucci's nickname is

"The mooch," which already

Sounds like the name

Of a cow std.

"So, neither one of us has been

With anyone else.

And yet somehow I have

The mooch.

Is there anything you want

To tell me?"

Anyway, "tony mooch" wasted

No time cracking down

On leakers, going on cnn

To explain his philosophy

With an unexpected reference.

Why don't you honor the job?

You remember joe paterno?

What would he say?

"Act like you've been there

Before.

Act with honor and dignity."

John: whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's a little loaded quoting

Joe paterno, particularly in the

Context of "everyone needs

To keep their mouths shut."

And the crazy thing is, that

Whole "act like you've been

There" quote has been attributed

To multiple coaches,

Including vince lombardi.

And yet the mooch still picked

The guy with a "child sex abuse

Scandal and dismissal" section

On his wikipedia page,

Which is just weird.

If you were pregnant and someone

Asked you if you knew the sex

Of the baby, your response

Wouldn't be, "like casey anthony

Once said: it's a girl!"

That would've been the

Craziest thing scaramucci said

Until this.

White house medications

Director anthony scaramucci

Unloaded on the chief of staff.

And this was the most

Disgusting thing he said.

"I'm not steve bannon.

I'm not trying to blank

My own blank.

John: "suck my own cock."

Scaramucci said,

"I'm not steve bannon.

I'm not trying to suck my own

Cock."

That's what he said.

To a reporter.

On the record.

There's just no point in anyone

Being coy about this anymore.

In fact, scaramucci's remarks

Were so extreme, they put news

Networks in a tricky position.

But leave it to gayle king

On "cbs this morning"

To cut right to the chase.

How is that even physically

Possible, number one?

And number two, when you hear

Something like that, bob,

Are you offended?

Are you offended

Or are you disappointed?

Are you saddened by it?

John: she's talking to

Bob schieffer.

And nothing in his half-century

Of edward r. Murrow award

Winning journalism could have

Possibly prepared him for the

Question "does the idea of steve

Bannon sucking his own cock

Make you angry or sad?"

And that's where we are,

Six months into the trump

Administration

With a president who has

No major legislative

Accomplishments, no conception

Of even the very basics of how

His job works, and a

Communications director

Who answers the question,

What if a tanning bed

Was a person?

And yet, frustratingly, there is

No public indication from trump

That he thinks he's doing

Anything wrong.

In fact, on friday, this was his

Takeaway from the failed

Obamacare repeal.

They should have approved

Health care last night,

But you can't have everything.

You know, I said from

The beginning, let obamacare

Implode, and then do it.

I turned out to be right.

John: "I turned out

To be right."

No one is better than trump

At claiming victories

From overwhelming defeats.

I could honestly see him, at the

End of his term, saying, "I

Always said I didn't have the

Ability, experience, or

Intelligence to

Be a successful president.

I turned out to be right."

And now this.

Announcer: and now more

Newscasters desperately trying

Not to say the words "suck my

Own cock."

I am not trying to expletive

My own expletive.

I'm not trying to suck my own

[Bleep]

Not trying though, this is

Really graphic.

He is saying bannon should

Perform physically impossible

Acts on himself.

Acts which are impossible,

Requiring flexibility none of us

Have.

What he is saying about steve

Bannon, that would make him a

Gymnast.

It's not like anything I've

Ever seen.

The way she expressed it.

John: moving on.

For our main story tonight,

We're going to talk about

The media.

Specifically, one increasingly

Influential member of it:

Alex jones, the walter cronkite

Of shrieking batshit gorilla

Clowns.

And I know you may be thinking,

"There's nothing more I need

To know about alex jones."

Because you've probably seen

Crazy clips like this.

What do you think

Tap water is?

It's a gay b*mb, baby.

And I'm not saying people didn't

Naturally have h*m*

Feelings, I'm not even getting

Into it.

You think I'd, I'm like, oh,

Shocked by it, so I'm up here

Bashing it because I don't like

Gay people?

I don't like 'em putting

Chemicals in the water that turn

The friggin' frogs gay!

Do you understand that?

Ugh, ugh, ugh, it's crap!

John: wow.

If he's that upset about

A government conspiracy that's

Not happening, imagine how upset

He's going to be when he finds

Out about one that is.

Like the fact that the

Government is turning raccoons

Bilingual.

Oh, that's right.

They're all fluent in french now

And they will be working that

Into conversation.

And that famous clip

Is by no means an outlier.

Jones is a charismatic performer

Who gets charged up

On a regular basis.

So there are plenty

Of lesser-known outbursts,

Like this.

My spirit gets close to that

Evil and I feel it and my spirit

Just goes "ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!"

They call that crazy.

That's not crazy.

That's my will.

My human spirit saying crush

Those that would hurt

The innocent!

Go after the enemy!

Build a civilization!

Be honorable!

Crush the snakes

Under your feet.

John: now we know what

"Friday night lights" would've

Looked like if they'd given

Coach taylor a nasty pcp habit.

"Go after the enemy!

Crush the snakes

Under your feet.

Clear eyes, full hearts.

Oh, god.

There's snakes everywhere!

Stomp those snakes,

m*therf*ckers!"

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Now, ideally, the first thing

You should know about

"The alex jones show"

Is nothing.

But unfortunately, it's an

Important part of a lot of

People's media diets.

An estimated 6 million people

Listen to his radio show or

Watch it online every week,

And we know at least one jones

Fan seems to be russian

Ambassador to the united states,

Donald trump.

He supposedly called

Jones after the election,

Has tweeted content from

Infowars and one of its editors,

And just a year and a half ago,

Even appeared on his show.

I just want to finish

By saying your reputation

Is amazing.

I will not let you down.

You will be very, very

Impressed, I hope.

And I think we'll be speaking

A lot.

John: the only thing that

Could've made that moment

Any grosser is if

Nigel farage, bill cosby,

And phil spector were all

On the same call.

So it's no wonder that jones

Has been getting a lot of

Coverage recently.

We even mentioned him on our

First show of the season,

Back in february.

And in his response to it, he

Seemed a little annoyed with me.

Your ratings

Are in the toilet.

You're a joke.

They brought you back, revamped,

Out of the gates to attack yours

Truly, after you lectured us

That donald trump could never

Win over and over again,

'Cause you know, you're

The intellectual.

Everybody knows a british accent

Is intellectual.

You know, there's no facts

Behind it.

And now you make fun of me

Out of context and go

"Look at this loon."

Hey, boy!

People want legitimacy.

They want real.

They want to hear somebody that

Can speak to 'em and touch 'em

Inside.

John: okay, okay.

A few things there.

One, don't call me "boy."

And two, my british accent

Does not sound intellectual.

I sound like a chimney sweep

Passing through

A wood chipper.

But I will give him this.

Jones is right that too often,

People don't present him

In his full context.

So tonight, we're going to do

That.

And let's first set aside the

Key context that alex jones has

Repeatedly used his show to fuel

Speculation that the

Sandy hook m*ssacre was staged

By the government, which has

Been deeply hurtful for the

Parents of those children

Over the years.

That is disgusting and should be

Disqualifying in terms of ever

Taking him seriously.

Sadly, doing things that

Disqualify you from being taken

Seriously doesn't really seem

To be a thing anymore.

But there's a piece of context

You may be less aware of,

And that concerns the nature

Of his show itself.

It's four hours long, and if you

Tune in to the whole thing, your

Most shocking discovery might be

How frequently and shamelessly

He pitches products he sells.

In fact, remember that clip

From him earlier yelling about

Snakes?

Let's go back and play

That out a bit.

Be honorable!

Crush the snakes

Under your feet.

Get behind me, satan!

Now before I go any further,

Before I go any further,

We gotta fund this operation.

We got the very best

Nutraceuticals out there.

I don't know if I can run this

For another week or so.

We want to run it through

The end of the month.

That's like 11 days.

I don't want it to sell out

Before more gets in.

X2 the good halogen,



Infowarslive.com.

Infowarslive.com.

Infowarslive.com.

John: whoa, that is

A hard turn.

"The satan-worshipping,

Deep state globalists are going

To m*rder you and your entire

Family!

Open your eyes, sheeple!

They're coming for you!

They're coming for all of us!

But first...

Mcgillicuddy's oatmeal.

The perfect way to start

Your day!"

And that clip is not an anomaly.

In one week of recent broadcasts

On his site, we found he spent

Nearly a quarter of the time

Either talking about or playing

Ads for his products or pointing

You to the infowars store.

And if you have never gone

Shopping on infowars,

You are in for whatever

The opposite of a treat is.

There's the kind of

Survival gear you'd expect,

Alongside more surprising items,

Like organic shampoo,

Body wash and deodorant,

As well as products like

Combat one tactical bath wipes,

A $10 pack of moist towelettes

That can be "used anywhere

Needed, including the perineal

Area."

Which, if you're wondering,

Is this region right here.

That's right.

Alex jones is trying to sell you

Sloppy wet rags for your taint.

And when you're done wiping down

The area between your genitals

And anus with a glorified

Wet nap, why not pick up

A bill clinton r*pe whistle,

Which, according to infowars,

Should be used to "let bill know

You're in the crowd and that you

Know the truth."

That truth?

You just spent $6 on a whistle.

Oh, that's right.

We bought this.

And by the way, our order came

With a free "9/11 was an inside

Job" bumper sticker we most

Assuredly did not ask for.

And look, radio hosts doing ads

Is not inherently unusual.

But since 2013, jones has

Increasingly focused on

Developing his own products,

Which he sells on his site,

Under his

Infowars life brand.

Particularly vitamins

And "nutraceuticals," which I

Believe are the result of the

Word "nutrition" f*cking

The word "pharmaceutical"

From behind.

I'm pretty sure that's what it

Is.

This is a big part of

His business.

Two-thirds of jones's funding

Reportedly comes from selling

His products.

And there are a lot of them.

And the reason I know that is,

We bought a whole bunch.

There is super male vitality.

Super female vitality.

Wake up, america, patriot blend

Coffee.

Lung cleanse.

"Brain force plus.

Something called

Dna force, that costs $120

A bottle.

And child ease, a herbal blend

Which, according to infowars, is

"Designed to soothe the mind and

Bodies of children,"

Which is a profoundly creepy

Phrase.

And then there's

Caveman true paleo formula with

Bone broth, a chocolate-flavored

Drink mix made from bee pollen,

Stevia, and the dust

Of chicken skeletons.

According to infowars, it is

"One of the most popular new

Health trend in the world

Today."

And by the look on jones' face,

It tastes exactly as good

As it sounds.

You pour that in on a couple

Ice cubes, and folks, it tastes,

When it's creamy and thick,

I think better than ovaltine

And it is got all the bone broth

And so much more.

This is why the ancients,

They believe, had so much better

Bones and were so much

Healthier, you can look it up.

This, you could freeze this

And this would be better than

Blue bell chocolate ice cream.

Mmm.

John: okay, I know for a fact

That alex jones did not enjoy

Drinking that glass of caveman.

Because I've got a glass

Of caveman right here.

And I can confirm that it tastes

Exactly how you'd imagine

A drink would taste that's made

From chocolate and domesticated

Bird corpses.

It comes at you in waves.

And that is not the only time

Jones has used himself

As a guinea pig to sell his own

Products.

And a warning to our younger

Viewers.

The following footage of a man

Graphically too comfortable with

His own body may be disturbing.

Just ten minutes before

We taped this, decided to do

This 'cause I haven't done this

In a while.

We took photos a year ago and

Then again about six months ago

And the weight loss is dramatic

Already from what happened

Before.

John: okay, so you're redder

And you're wearing a belt.

The only thing I can discern

Happened between those two

Photos is that you walked

Shirtless in the sun for two

Hours to a belt store.

You could flip those two photos

Around and the effect would be

Exactly the same.

Also...

And to be fair to jones, he does

Have a medical expert

Who consults on many of his

Supplements.

Dr. Edward group iii,

Who looks like the lead

In a direct-to-dvd kato kaelin

Biopic, but he's actually even

Less impressive than that.

Here he is in an infowars ad,

Explaining the importance of one

Of the products.

If you're suffering from

Abdominal pain, allergies,

Even like headaches, anemia,

Weakened immune system,

Gut problems, depression,

Hair loss, excess gas,

Muscle pain, nervousness.

I mean, all these things, if you

Look at some of these conditions

And then us opening up our

Borders and all the other

Countries opening up our --

Their borders, you're just

Dealing with a mass amount of

Parasites or harmful organisms.

You can type in

"Refugees spreading disease."

I mean, the cdc is going crazy

Right now.

John: actually, I'm pretty

Sure if you type

"Refugees spreading disease"

Into google and press enter it

Takes you right to the wikipedia

Page for xenophobia.

Which is a real time saver!

But despite the fact that

Dr. Group looks like what would

Happen if tom petty

Was machine-washed instead

Of dry-cleaned,

Alex jones swears by him.

In fact, he's been pretty

Defensive about dr. Group's

Credentials.

It doesn't matter.

You've got degrees from mit,

And everywhere else,

And a bunch of other degrees.

The media makes fun of you

And says that you're an idiot.

That's right.

I mean literally, they say we

Cannot sell coffee.

It's a fraud.

That's right.

That's right.

I've been a research scientist

For a long time.

I do have a --

I am mit alumni, and I can

Tell you that I do research all

The time.

John: okay, stop.

Let's break down that

"Bunch of degrees"

Jones mentioned.

Group does have a doctor of

Chiropractic degree from texas

Chiropractic college.

But while he lists all these

Other schools on linkedin,

We checked, and he didn't

Graduate from any of them.

In fact, we asked him,

And he admits he does not have

An undergraduate degree.

And as for whether he's an

"Mit alumni," he only completed

A non-degree certificate program

There.

In fact, just to be sure,

We actually contacted mit,

And according to them,

"It is not accurate to say

He has a degree from mit and

Calling him an alumni would be

Inaccurate and misleading."

Which does makes sense,

Because this man does not look

Like an mit alumnus.

He looks like a fifth-year

Senior at the university of

Falling off a surfboard.

So just to clarify, alex.

That is what we're making fun of

When we make fun of dr. Group.

Well, that and the fact that he

Looks like what would happen if

Iggy pop got "the rachel."

And look, jones can inflate

Dr. Group's credentials

All he wants.

He says a lot of crazy shit

On his show.

But it's noticeable that when it

Comes to selling his

Supplements, he can sometimes

Show a caution that is pretty

Out of character.

Just watch him bend over

Backward to repeatedly qualify

What he says, seconds after

He's said it.

Maybe you've had back pain

Before.

Maybe you've had nerves that

Were cut off.

This creates tingling, this --

A lot of people had their

Feeling come back.

I'm not gonna make claims,

Just research true organically

Based bio pqq.

And it's not technically

Organic, the other stuff,

Synthetic, lab made.

This is made from organic

Sources, but the bacteria's gmo.

I'll just tell you upfront.

But it's not like the super

Hi-tech stuff.

It's a bacteria that's just been

Bred to be able to then secrete

And produce.

That's just like beer

Is bacteria, a lot of good

Bacteria, obviously.

But this one, that's how

The japanese do it.

But it's bio identical.

The stuff is only found

In comets and in trace amounts

In blueberries.

John: wait.

Wait.

Let's break that down.

It repairs nerves but maybe

Doesn't.

It's organic but not really.

It contains gmos, which is bad,

Except for when he's selling

You something.

And you can only find its

Ingredients in comets.

Oh, and blueberries.

And it's the dropoff after that

Last one that's incredible.

"You can only find this stuff

In dinosaur bones and in trace

Amounts in ritz bitz."

And jones's products

Don't come cheap.

For instance, he sells this



D3 for $29.95.

But consumerlab.com,

A supplement watchdog,

Points out you can buy the

Same amount of d3 from other

Sources for less than $4.

But jones will often give

You a hard sell.

Sometimes, he'll tell you his

Products are different than

The ones you can find in stores.

And sometimes, he'll go even

Bigger.

It is absolutely in the

Crystalline form,

The strongest --

You absorb it!

So, folks, don't go out to the

Store and get iodine from, say,

One of the big chains.

It'll k*ll you.

John: wow.

I honestly didn't know you could

Imply your competition k*lled

People.

"Four out of five dentists

Prefer trident gum, and the

Fifth dentist is dead, because

He put a piece of wrigley's in

His mouth, and that is basically

su1c1de."

And to hear jones tell it,

To hear jones tell it,

His products are marked up just

Enough to keep his business

Going, as he explained

In his recent appearance on

"Rationalizing low ratings

With megyn kelly."

I mean, it costs $45 million

To $50 million a year

To run this.

How much money is being made?

Well, the money that's made

Is pretty much put back

Into things.

John: that's remarkable for

Two reasons.

$45 Million to $50 million

Is a lot of money to

Be making, and yet, jones would

Have you believe that every

Penny is pretty much being spent

On a show that looks like it was

Filmed on the set of

A low-budget porn parody

Of itself.

In fact, as he frequently tells

His audience, he needs them

To buy more to keep his

Truth-telling crusade solvent

And growing.

We need to fund ourselves and

We fund ourselves by you buying

The products.

We're at a shortfall now because

Of the massive, sustained

Economic att*cks we're under.

But the listeners in just two

Weeks have almost narrowed

That gap.

I could have to sell my house to

Keep this place running three,

Four months.

I could have sponsors every

Segment.

I don't do it.

I plug enough to fund things.

Fund us!

Give me the energy and I will

Attack the enemy.

John: exactly.

It's like an npr pledge drive

For people who hate npr.

Because to listen to jones,

Infowars is perpetually on the

Edge of disaster.

He even has a link

On the infowars store

Where you can just give him

Money to "help fund the fight

Against tyranny" and

Contributors have left comments

Like, "$25 may not be much, but

I know every little bit helps."

But jones seems to be doing

A bit more than keeping his head

Above water.

Ex-employees describe a thriving

Business, with one saying,

"He can sell 500 supplements

In an hour.

It's like qvc for conspiracy."

And in one of those

Clips we showed earlier,

We noticed he's wearing

What looks like a rolex watch

Worth around $8,000, which --

Cool.

And as we looked around,

We noticed he also seems to own

Another two different rolexes,

You know -- cooler.

And that's honestly fine.

He can have fancy watches.

There's nothing wrong with him

Getting paid.

I get paid to make this show.

But it does fight with his

Message that he needs you to buy

Products to help

Keep his show going.

And even alex jones seems to be

A little self-conscious about

That disconnect.

But don't worry.

He's reconciled it in a truly

Amazing way.

I wear a blue sports coat and

A rolex because it's a symbol of

Middle class and humanity having

Prosperity and promoting human

Prosperity for the respect of

Empowering humanity and stealing

The image of a man in a sports

Jacket with a rolex, that is the

Satanic image, so I dress as a

Satanist so that I can enter

Their world and show you that

None of it means anything.

John: oh, bullshit.

How stupid do you think

Your audience is?

Okay, you bought a rolex so you

Could dress up like a satanist.

What are the other two for?

And incidentally, tormenting

The parents of sandy hook should

Comfortably get you into the

Satanic club.

I believe that's the e-z pass

To whatever hell's version of

"The champagne room" is.

And so, at the start of this

Piece, I promised alex jones

That I would put his statements

In context.

Because he's right that if you

Play small clips in isolation,

He looks like a loon.

But if you play them in context,

He looks like a skilled

Salesman, spending hours a day

Frightening you about problems

Like refugees spreading disease

And then selling you an answer.

Remember that gay frog clip?

He did a followup show

Explaining how chemicals were

Being placed in tap water to

Feminize society and reduce the

Population and then immediately

Segued to this.

We sell five different brands

Of the very best water

Filtration systems out there.

They're amazing.

They cut out 99.99% of the

Glyphosate, the herbicides,

The pesticides, the fluoride.

John: wow.

To an untrained eye, it sure

Seems like he was using the idea

Of a gay frog to sell his

Products, which, incidentally,

Is the same mistake

The wb network made.

And listen, I'm not saying

The only reason jones is talking

About the deep state

-- Globalists systematically

Feminizing us

To sell overpriced

Nutraceuticals so he can buy

Luxury watches.

But if I were, it certainly

Wouldn't be the stupidest

Conspiracy theory you've heard

Tonight.

So if alex jones wants his words

In context, this is it.

The fact that he happens to sell

So many solutions should really

Recontextualize how you think

About what he is claiming are

Problems.

Think about it like this.

How would you feel if, at the

End of this segment that may've

Made you feel a little dirty,

I tried to sell you something to

Wipe that gross feeling away?

Would you question my motives?

Well, I certainly hope not,

Because that's what we're doing

Right now!

Come with me.

Come with me.

Because I'm proud to say we've

Been working with a leading

Medical expert, and I'd like

You to meet him now.

Please welcome dr. Throup iii.

So happy to be here!

John: so happy to have you.

And we're here to offer

You the john oliver

Moisture-armored tactical

as*ault wipes.

The first tactical wipe for use

Exclusively on the perineum.

That's right.

For goodness sake, don't use

This anywhere else.

You're gonna want to just

Focus on this area here.

John: now, doctor, how is

This going to make people feel

Better about what they've seen

Tonight?

Well, my studies show that

When you vigorously apply this

Taint wipe, it causes

A sensation that distracts

The brain from whatever it had

Previously been thinking about.

John: and, again, you've got

Degrees from mit and everywhere

Else and a bunch of other

Degrees.

The media makes fun of you and

Says that you're an idiot.

They do!

John: but you did go to mit,

Right?

Well, I've definitely

Physically been there.

John: that's essentially

The same.

That's what I've been telling

Everyone!

John: now, you can buy one of

These wipes at infowipes.com

For one million dollars.

This is real.

They're actually available for

A million dollars apiece.

And don't even think about

Buying a similar wipe in a

Store, because those wipes

Will k*ll you.

Also, these wipes have the

Power to heterosexualize frogs.

So that's nice to have, because

That's been a real problem

What with all the refugees.

John: right.

And look, this tactical

Taint wipe has demonstrated

Incredible results, hasn't it?

Absolutely it sure has!

Look at this

Photo of me.

And now look at

This photo of me 45 minutes

Later, after applying the taint

Wipe.

John: you're much redder.

I'm so much redder.

John: so if you want to spend

A million dollars on a taint

Wipe, go to infowipes.com.

And if you're thinking,

"No one's going to do that,"

All I'll say is, people pay

Alex jones $45 for a jar of

Chocolate-flavored chicken

Juice, so anything is possible.

That's our show.

Thank you so much

For watching.

Thank you to dr. Throup.

Good night!