04x13 - "Stupid Watergate"

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- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver, thank you
so much for joining us.

Let's dive straight in, and
tonight, we're going to do

something a little bit
different, because for one week

and one week only,
the show "Last Week Tonight"

is actually going to talk
at some length

about the last week, tonight,
and the reason

we unfortunately have to do that
is the last seven days

have been absolutely insane,
so much so that

by Friday night, it may have
broken Anderson Cooper.

Because--I'll tell you why--
because Jeffrey Lord,

CNN contributor and die-hard
Trump supporter,

was in the middle of defending
yet another indefensible

statement from Trump
when Cooper finally snapped.

- He's the president
of the United States.

If he wants to say that, Barack
Obama wants to say whatever,

if George Bush says,
"I looked in his eyes"--

- If he took a dump on his desk,
you would defend it.

- [laughs] What?

- Yes, yes, that is
a professional journalist

saying of the president,
"If he took a dump

on his desk,
you would defend it."

And more importantly,
Jeffrey Lord

did not immediately
answer "No."

And look: on a different night,
I could probably devote time

to why CNN would put themselves
in the position

of having a professional
dump defender

constantly on their network,

but there is not going to be
time, because

tonight we have to track
the latest developments

in what we've been calling
"Stupid Watergate,"

a scandal with all the potential
ramifications of Watergate,

but where everyone involved is
stupid and bad at everything.

And given the exhausting pace
of this week's events, tonight,

we are simply gonna try and
answer a few basic questions.

What the f*ck is going on?

How big a deal is this?

Where do we go from here?

And is this real life?

So let's begin
with question one,

what the f*ck is going on?

And the answer to that is:
quite a lot.

Can you even remember
how this week began?

'Cause there was actually
a big story on Monday

that you may have
forgotten by now.

- Top secret bombshell:
reports President Trump revealed

highly-classified intelligence

to the Russians
in the Oval Office.

- Sources tell "The Washington
Post" the president

was boasting to Russia's
foreign minister

and ambassador when he divulged
the intelligence

during an Oval Office
meeting last week.

- That's right, President Trump
may have inadvertently

revealed code word information,
one of the highest

levels of classification,
to Russian officials.

And that is the kind of
information you shouldn't even

share with your closest friends,
which, of course,

in Trump's case would be
the golf caddy he calls Steve

even though his name is Doug,

a bucket of KFC chicken,

and the ghost of Roger Ailes.

And--and back then--
back then--

in the more innocent
time of Monday,

it felt like there simply
could not be

a bigger story than that.

- This is the most serious
charge

ever made against
a sitting president.

Let's not minimize it.

Comey is in the wastebaste--
basket of history.

Everything else
is off the table.

This is the most
serious charge ever made against

a sitting president
of the United States.

- Yeah, turns out
Alan Dershowitz

was extremely
wrong about that, and

I would say it's hard
to imagine

him being more wrong
about anything,

but fortunately, we have
photographic proof.

But the point is--
the point is,

that Russia news was buried
the very next day by this.

- ABC News confirming
that shortly after

an Oval Office visit
in February,

former FBI Director
James Comey wrote a memo

saying that during that
meeting, President Trump

asked him to shut down
his investigation

into national security adviser
Michael Flynn.

- And that was a huge deal,
because let me give you

a quick reminder
about why the FBI

was investigating Flynn, a man
whose overall demeanor

says, "I only f*ck
on top of the sheets

so I don't ruin
the hospital corners."

Michael Flynn was fired after
it emerged he'd discussed

US sanctions against Russia
with Russian officials

during the transition, despite
denying that to the press,

to the FBI, and to
Vice President Mike Pence.

Flynn was so flawed, team Trump
was repeatedly warned

about his baggage by both
then-acting AG Sally Yates

and President Obama,
and even, as reported this week,

General Flynn himself.

But Trump kept standing by him
anyway, which kind of

makes sense, in a way, because
literally every decision

in the Trump administration
is the worst possible one.

Paper or plastic?

Whichever one kills
the most birds.

Soup or salad?

I'm gonna go with the N-word.

Favorite Beatle?

It's got to be Yoko.

Anyway, let's get back to this
week, because on Wednesday,

just four days ago, which is
the equivalent

of 150 years in 2017 time,

Donald Trump gave
the commencement address

at the Coast Guard Academy,
and that should have been easy.

Simply lift the cadets' spirits

and point them towards
the future, but Trump

inevitably used the speech to--
well, I'm fairly sure

momentarily forget
the word "certainty"

and then also generally
whine about

how mean people were being
to him.

- No politician in history--

and I say this
with great...surety--

has been treated worse
or more unfairly.

- Wait, no politician
has been treated worse?

Abraham Lincoln was shot
by an actor.

William McKinley was shot
by an anarchist.

JFK was of course m*rder*d
by Ted Cruz's father.

And James Garfield was shot,
then to find the b*llet--

and this is true--
Alexander Graham Bell

devised a kind of metal detector
which didn't work,

so doctors tried to fish around
in his guts

for the b*llet
with unwashed fingers,

which just made
his infection worse,

so he died in horrible pain.

But yeah, Alec Baldwin sometimes
does a mean impression

of you on TV, so yeah, it's
basically the same, isn't it?

Then--then--
later that same day--

the same day,
the Justice Department appointed

a special counsel,
former FBI head Robert Mueller,

to conduct an independent
investigation into

the Trump campaign's connections
to Russia,

which is also
a massive development

that was closely followed
by Thursday's news

concerning James Comey,
specifically his friend's

account of the lengths
to which Comey went

at this post-inauguration
meeting to try and

avoid a personal encounter
with the president.

- He's wearing--if you watch
the video of it,

he's wearing a blue blazer,
and he stands

in the part of the room
that is as far

from Trump as it is physically
possible to be,

and also against blue drapes

that are the same color
as his--

- He chose that spot?
- He chose that spot because

it was, you know, like,
almost like a chameleon.

Or, you know, camouflaged
against the wall.

- Blend in.

- Come on, Comey!

If you're 6'8", you don't hide
by blending into a curtain.

You wear a brown suit, you paste
a few leaves to your

hand and head, and you hope to
be mistaken for a tree.

What's what you do.

Now, luckily, we somehow escaped
Thursday alive,

and on Friday,
the president took off

for a nine-day overseas trip,
but the wheels

of Air Force One
had barely left the ground

when this happened.

- "The New York Times"
now reporting

that according to
a White House document,

President Trump
in the Oval Office

told Russian officials
ten days ago that

James Comey, the FBI director,
was a "nut job."

- Now, yeah, that sounds rough,
but in Trump's defense,

I can kind of see
where he's coming from.

I mean, the guy keeps hiding
in my drapes.

Who does that? He's huge.
I can see him.

Dress like a tree.
You've got to know that.

And--and here's the thing:
that same document,

which the White House
did not deny,

gave the even more
concerning detail

that Trump had told
his Russian guests...

And it's almost difficult

to believe your ears
when you hear something

that sounds
so audaciously corrupt.

It's like if Hillary Clinton
had sent an email

with the subject line,
"Sup, I did Benghazi."

But wait--wait, because the week
still wasn't quite yet done.

'Cause almost at the exact same
time that the "nut job"

news emerged, there was one last
startling revelation.

- "The Washington Post"
began reporting that the FBI

investigation into possible
coordination between Russia

and the Trump campaign
has identified

a current White House official

as a significant
person of interest.

- And that is also
potentially enormous.

Now, some have suggested that
that could be Jared Kushner,

but it seems unlikely, because
while he is technically

significant and legally
a person,

he in no way qualifies
as "of interest."

He is the least interesting
human on Earth.

He is the person equivalent of
an empty room painted eggshell.

He's like a white bread
sandwich where the middle

is just a third slice
of white bread.

Or as Mike Pence
refers to that,

"The devil's hoagie."

So--so that is the shortest
possible summation

of the events of this week,

which brings us
to our second question:

how big a deal is this?

Because it feels like
a pretty big deal.

Think about it: going into this
week, there were already

multiple investigations
into Russia's efforts

to swing the election
and any possible ties

to the Trump campaign,
but there are now

also strong allegations that
Trump attempted, in some form,

to influence the investigations,
and we now have

a special counsel
looking into all of this.

You would almost
have to be trying

really hard not to see this
as a big deal,

and nobody tried harder

than some commentators
on Fox News.

- This is insane--where is the
evidence of a crime?

- People are now buying
some of this lunacy.

- Hysteria every single day.

- We've reached a point
of madness.

- They're unhinged.
- This is a scandal

with no video,
with no audio,

with no sex, with no money,
with no dead bodies.

It's a boring scandal.

- That is just ridiculous.

"There may be Americans hidden
in plain view

working on behalf of Russia"
is not boring,

it's literally a f*cking
Emmy-nominated TV show.

But perhaps my favorite attempt

to pour water on this story
came from Tucker Carlson,

the villain from a
direct-to-video "Caddyshack"

sequel who somehow
became a real boy.

Tucks tried to Jedi Mind Trick
this scandal out of existence.

- The world is a very
complicated place,

Washington especially.

What you think is happening
often really isn't happening.

- Wow, what you think is
happening isn't happening.

He's talking to his viewers
like a parent

whose kids just walked in
on them 69-ing.

This isn't what you think!

This isn't what you're
looking at.

Your mother and I were just
listening to see

if there's an echo when
you scream into a butt.

Nothing is happening here.

You're not seeing
anything here.

[laughter, cheers, applause]

Although fascinatingly,
as the week went on,

even some on Fox were struggling
to hold the line,

because remember Mr.
"This is a boring scandal"?

This was him just
two days later.

- I've been the first one
to say, you know,

there's a lot of smoke, but
I don't see any fire,

but now I'm getting
a little concerned.

Even I, myself, have gotten to
the point where I'm like,

what is going on here
with this situation?

I'm a little
worried about it.

- That cannot be a good sign.

A Fox host not being able
to hold his doubts at bay

for 48 hours is pretty much
a canary in a coal mine,

but then, at this point,
Donald Trump

is basically waist-deep
in dead canaries.

And you can tell how serious
this is becoming

by the fact that when the news
started breaking this week,

members of Trump's own party
were suddenly hard to find.

- We reached out to


and representatives to appear
on this broadcast.

We also reported and requested
that someone

from the White House join us
at any point

during our two-hour broadcast
to respond to the latest news.

All declined our invitation.

- Now, just try and think about
how crazy that is.



That's worse attendance
than a wrap party

for the cast of "The Jinx."

I don't know, Bob, where do you
think everyone is,

you massive creep.

Now--now some Republicans did
comment on Trump this week,

but not perhaps in the way that

the White House would have
ideally wanted.

For example, John McCain
had this to say.

- I think it's reaching
the point where

it's of Watergate
size and scale, and a couple

of other scandals that
you and I have seen.

It's a centipede, and the shoe
continues to drop.

- Yeah, it's like a centipede
that keeps dropping shoes,

but it's real,
and people wear shoes,

so the Trump administration
is really more like

a human centipede
in terms of the amount

of shit passing through it

and how nauseating watching it
really is.

And while McCain was willing
to cite Watergate,

other Republicans were willing
to go even further.

- Michigan's Justin Amash
today became the first

Republican to say
the president's actions

might merit impeachment.

- And there we have it: a member
of Trump's own party

has raised the specter
of impeachment

just four months into
the president's first term.

That is almost impressive,
in a way,

and it gets worse,
because when "Mother Jones"

ran an article citing Amash

as the first Republican
to mention impeachment,

a spokeswoman for
another Republican,

Representative Carlos Curbelo
of Florida,

reached out to say
he was actually

the first Republican
to mention it.

Although to be fair--
to be completely fair here,

the very first person to think,

"Oh, God, he should not
be president,"

is probably some unnamed nurse

in Queens in the year 1946.

You know, I've been doing this
a long time,

but this baby is the worst one
I've ever seen.

This is a terrible baby.

And the specter of impeachment
is something

that some in the White House are
reportedly taking seriously.

- And after days of
incendiary headlines,

CNN has learned that
White House lawyers

are researching
what a possible

Trump impeachment
might look like.

- That's actually
a pretty good question.

What would a Trump impeachment
look like?

I mean, ironically, I imagine at
least part of it would involve

thousands of Muslims
celebrating in New Jersey.

So--so this--
this certainly has

all the appearances
of a pretty big deal,

which brings us
to question number three:

where do we go from here?

And if you are hoping for
an impeachment

or a resignation, it is worth
taking a quick peek

at the presidential
line of succession,

because Trump going
would be fantastic,

but remember that would give us
President Mike Pence,

and let me remind you
how our prospective

next president sees himself.

- I'm a Christian,
a conservative,

and a Republican,
in that order.

I'm a Christian,
a conservative,

and a Republican,
in that order.

I'm a Christian--
a conservative--

and a Republican--
in that order.

- Honestly, I would have loved
it if he'd just

kept going after--
"After those three,

"I'm a Gemini, I'm a furry,

"and I'm gluten intolerant,
in that order.

"That's what I am,
those six things,

don't get it wrong."

Mike Pence is a hard-line
conservative.

In Congress, he led efforts to
defund Planned Parenthood.

He opposed the Lilly Ledbetter
Act and the ending

of "Don't ask, don't tell,"
and championed

a Constitutional amendment
defining marriage

as between a man
and a woman,

and as governor of Indiana,

his most eye-catching
accomplishment was

the passage of the Religious
Freedom Restoration Act,

which could have made it easier
for religious conservatives

to refuse service
to gay couples.

And making matters worse, when
he was asked multiple times

whether that's what it did,

he kept dodging the question,
ending in this exchange.

- Do you think
it should be legal

in the state of Indiana

to discriminate against
gays or lesbians?

- George...[sighs]
- It's a yes or no question.

- Hoosiers--come on, Hoosiers
don't believe in discrimination.

- Yeah, well, I don't
believe in Hoosiers.

What the f*ck is a Hoosier?

Where does that term
come from anyway?

It sounds like the sound
Al Pacino makes when he sneezes.

Hoosier!
Hoosier!

Hoosier!
Whoo!

And by the way,
if you're telling yourself,

"Well, maybe Trump's impeachment
could take Pence down as well,"

well, think about what
that would mean, because

then we'd have
President Paul Ryan,

three words that I always knew
I'd have to say,

but I didn't really expect

to have to say it
quite so soon,

Sort of like,
"Remember polar bears?"

Or "Female 'Entourage' reboot."

The boys are back,
and this time, they're girls.

And you know, if you really want
to spin this fantasy out,

let's say that Ryan is also
somehow sitting

on his own impeachable
clusterfuck.

Do you know who is next in line
to the presidency?

You might not.

I'm not sure that you do,
do you?

It's actually
Mr. Kelsey Grammer.

And you're probably assuming
correctly that that is wrong,

but what is the real
right answer there?

I can actually tell you, because
we would genuinely have

President Orrin Hatch
at that point.

Yes, he would be--
he would be president.

A man whose every
expression says,

"I take fiber supplements,

and frankly,
they're not working."

And look, Hatch is his own
separate kind of nightmare,

but before we get lost
any further down this

paranoid wormhole, let's just
all take a collective breath,

because in reality,
even though some people

have been getting
excited this week,

impeachment is a long shot
for many reasons,

not the least of which is,
it would require a majority

of the House
to vote to impeach,

and that is currently controlled
by Republicans,

and then it would then need
two-thirds

of the Senate to vote
to convict the president,

and it is also controlled by
Republicans right now,

so the likelihood is that Trump
will survive this

and continue as president,

which shouldn't really be
a surprise to anyone.

Why would this be the end
of the line for him?

Trump has seemed to reach
the end of the line

on multiple occasions,
only for nothing to happen.

Remember when he hesitated to
disavow David Duke?

Wasn't that supposed to be
the end of the line?

Or the time he bullied
a Gold Star family?

That had to be the end
of the line, right?

Or the "Access Hollywood" tape?

We all thought the next stop
on that bus was,

you guessed it,
the end of the f*cking line,

But it seems like when it comes
to President Trump,

he's always approaching
the end of the line,

but it never seems to come,
as if for him, and him alone,

the end of the line is drawn
by M.C. f*cking Escher.

And--and I know--
I know--

following Stupid Watergate's

every development
can be all-consuming.

It feels like
nothing else has happened

over the last couple of weeks,
but that is

a dangerous thing to believe,
because it has.

Things have happened.

This administration has made
significant moves

that have escaped
many people's attention.

Jeff Sessions moved to lengthen
drug sentences,

undoing Obama-era
criminal justice reforms.

Just tonight it came out that
Trump is going to propose

slashing Medicaid and other
safety-net benefits,

and tomorrow, in court,
the administration may decide

to end key Obamacare subsidies,
which, if that happens,

could immediately unravel
the Obamacare insurance markets.

So that 1946 nurse
was absolutely right.

He was the worst baby,

and you know, he's still
the worst baby now.

And as if all of this
wasn't bad enough,

which is comfortably is, we are
getting some heartbreaking

glimpses into how
this president operates.

For instance, just this week,
again,

we learned that this is how his
own national security team

feels they have to brief him
on important global issues.

- He likes single-page memos
and visual aids like maps,

charts, graphs, and photos.

National security officials
have strategically included

Trump's name in
"As many paragraphs as we can

because he keeps reading
if he is mentioned."

- Wow, that is
absolutely pathetic.

Our president can only
understand the world

to the extent that it involves
himself, meaning

it is entirely possible that
his security briefing reads...

This can all seem like
a terrible work of fiction,

which actually brings us
to our final question:

is this real life?

To which the answer is,
unfortunately, yes.

And if you are feeling miserable
about the situation

that we're in right now, the
only consolation I may be able

to offer you is,
I'm not sure that Trump

is entirely happy either,
because yes,

you've seen him enjoy
the rallies, and the attention,

and the fact that he can say
he's the president,

but I think the most telling

photo taken of him so far
is this one.

That was taken
on his inauguration day

at a luncheon thrown
in his honor.

Look at his face!

He looks like he's at
the funeral for every dog.

And if you think
I'm projecting this onto him,

just listen to an interview
that Trump himself gave

around the hundred-day mark
of his presidency,

and tell me if this is a guy
who sounds like

he's happy with his situation.

- Yes, of course being president

is harder than your old job.
Of course it is.

Your old job was basically
having a name,

letting other people pay you
to use that name,

and firing Dee Snider.

It was f*cking easy!

Although, I will say this:

I now actually have something
in common with Donald Trump,

because I too
preferred my previous life

before he became president.

And that is why--
that is why

this is truly Stupid Watergate,

because no matter what,
we are in for

an agonizingly long period
of leaks,

allegations,
and recriminations,

all over a presidential campaign
to put a man in power

who may not entirely
want to be there.

Say what you want about Nixon,

at least he wanted
the f*cking job.

Look, I don't know about you,

but this week has drained me.

At the end of last year,
we told you to write down,

"This is not normal,"
to guard yourself

against getting complacent.

I don't think
there is much danger

of that happening
in the foreseeable future,

but it is also worth remembering
that sentiment

just to reassure yourself that
you're not going crazy.

And if you are tempted to
believe any of what people

are saying,
that this is all politics,

and every president
goes through a week

like the one that we just had
early in their administration,

let me show you
one of the things that people

were attacking
the last president for

at roughly the same point
in his first term.

- As you all know,
President Obama

is a real man of the people.

Take a look at him
ordering his burger

with a very
special condiment.

- You got like a spicy mustard
or something like that?

Or a Dijon mustard,
something like that?

- I hope you enjoyed that fancy
burger, Mr. President.

- They were really
mad about that.

That was on actual television.

And I would honestly give
anything to once again live

in a time where the scandal
rocking the executive branch

was a Fox News host implying

that the president likes
metrosexual mustard,

and maybe, fingers crossed,
one day,

we can all get there again.

And now, this.

- Tonight on CBS 2 News
at 11:00.

While you're sleeping,
these kids are playing.

Why? Tonight at 11:00.

- Moving on tonight:
now, before we go,

we have a bit of a problem.
You may have noticed

that Trump has completely
decimated this week,

and unfortunately,
in doing that,

he's essentially destroyed
our plans for this show,

because we wanted to give you
one of our usual

deep dives into
an extremely boring topic.

We'd chosen the TSA,
and there is clearly

not enough time left
for me to do it properly,

but I will not be defeated,

so I'm gonna give you a full
"Last Week Tonight" story

that should take 20 minutes
in just 3 minutes.

Are you ready for this?
[cheering]

There's no time.
There is no time for that.

Let's go: our main story tonight
concerns the TSA,

the only people who worry more
about what's stuck up

your butt than you do.

Long story short, there are
problems, and there are

potential solutions,
and it's more complicated

than you might think.
This graph goes up.

This graph goes down.

In combination,
that's clearly a real problem.

Then, I was gonna show you
this woman, who believes

some TSA techniques are
an invasion of her privacy.

- I think it's an invasion
of my privacy.

- That's not how that word
is pronounced.

Then I was gonna show you
a couple of victims

of inappropriate TSA conduct,
and then to lighten the mood,

I was gonna hit you with a clip
involving Muppet penguins.

- ♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Penguins appear by the door ♪

- Believe me, that actually
made sense

in the context of our piece.

Broadly speaking, penguins
are a flightless bird,

so in theory, if they wanted
to go somewhere,

they might have to deal
with the TSA.

You can imagine the kind of fun
graphics we had planned.

Here's one of Trump
with a penguin.

I was also going to try and
break down TSA procedures

using this clip.

- Sensitive areas
like the breasts,

groin, and buttocks.

- All three of those things are
objectively funny,

but--but we would be placing
them next to a story

where that clip
would actually be sad.

So, how long we got?


Okay, we're gonna skip this
clip, this clip, and this clip.

That woman there
is the TSA chief.

No time to get into
what she's saying there

and how it may affect you,
but just enough time

to show you this graphic
of Vladimir Putin

and Boris Yeltsin
giving each other hand jobs.

It would have made
some sense in context.

We also has this
TSA cartoon for you.

- It looks kind of scary.
- No time for a joke there.

Uh, uh, we were also going to
spend a decent amount of time

with the TSA's official
Instagram account.

Here is an actual picture
where someone asked them,

"Are knife-nanas allowed?"

I mean, come on.
Knife-nanas?

We're not supposed to make
a joke about knife-nanas?

We also don't have time
for this graph.

I don't have time
for this graph.

And this graph is actually
a bigger problem

than you might think,
but we have to move past it,

and this is the part where
I have to say, "To be fair,"

and read what the TSA has said
about an incident

that I was going to mention
earlier, and to be fair,

they say, "We conducted
a thorough review"--

and you know what, I don't have
time for this either.

Then I was going to say 48%,


$4.8 billion dollars
and $9,000,

which I know doesn't sound like
a lot, but it actually is,

and to show you how much,
we were gonna use

the GDP of Moldova--


okay, here's three pull quotes,
all of which are important,

the second of which involves


Here's an elephant
snorting cocaine.

And here is where I was gonna
reach my conclusion,

which we absolutely do not
have time for,

and then, just to cheer everyone
up at the end of a long

and sporadically depressing
show, we were gonna give you

something joyful
and fun to watch,

and it was the penguins!
We had these penguins!

The penguins were gonna
cheer us up.

And I guess they still can.

Look, penguins!

It's just nice.
That's all it is.

Things are allowed to be nice.

The point is,
write your congressman

about the issues you've seen
discussed tonight.

Can you do that thing where
you laugh with your mouths?

[penguins laughing]
I love that!

That's one of my favorite
things in the world.

Enjoy it.
Enjoy it now and forever.

That's our show--we're off next
week for Memorial Day.

We're back on June 4th.
Thank you for watching.

Good night.
Penguins!

We got penguins!

[penguins honking]

[cheers and applause]

[all honking]

Penguins.
Penguins!

Penguins!
It's penguins!

It's just fun!

It's just some fun!

[cheers and applause]

[bright tone]