04x10 - Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner

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- Welcome, welcome, welcome

to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much
for joining us.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week,

and we begin with
a narcissistic,

unstable man who just
might k*ll us all,

and it says something about
the current state of the world

that you have no idea which
world leader our story is about.

So, let me specify:
it's about a tubby,

power-hungry leader with daddy
issues and a bad haircut,

which still only narrows
us down to these two,

but as it happens, our first
story is about both of them,

because last week,
North Korea marked

the 105th birthday
of Kim Il-Sung,

their first supreme leader,
with a startling parade.

- These canisters
could carry a m*ssile

capable of reaching the US,

but are they real,
or are they what

one intelligence official
called "just big green tubes."

- Okay.
That is a good question.

Because yes, on one hand,
they could be

intercontinental missiles
capable of

destabilizing
the whole world order.

But on the other hand,
they could also be

dildos for
the Jolly Green Giant's wife.

He does not sexually
satisfy her.

That's a fact.
That's a sad fact.

But the parade wasn't the issue
for the international community

as much as the m*ssile test
that followed it,

the fifth in the past ten weeks.

And while it failed,
it was a provocative act,

especially considering that
just days earlier,

Donald Trump had tried to warn
them not to do it.

- What are we doing right now
in terms of North Korea?

- We are sending an armada.
Very powerful.

We have submarines.

Very powerful.

- Okay.

That was a very powerful
response from Trump.

Very powerful.

Although, I would argue
the most surprising thing

there is that he knows
what the word "armada" means.

I-I always just assumed
that's what

he mistakenly called
his housekeepers.

Armada, you forgot to dust
under the lamps.

You think I don't check under
the lamps, Armada, but I do.

I do check under the lamps.

But to give the president
some credit,

that was at least
a clear response,

echoed later by Sean Spicer,
who argued that

there was an unmistakable
message of deterrence

being sent
"when you see a carrier group

steaming into an area
like that."

But that message got a little
muddied this week,

after we learned
something surprising

about the carrier group
in question.

- The USS Carl Vinson
was not, in fact, on its way.

It was more than 3,000
nautical miles away,

traveling in the opposite
direction, heading south.

- Okay, so it was steaming,
just the wrong way.

And it was "off the coast
of North Korea" the same way

that New York is off the coast
of Portugal.

And when confronted
by this mistake,

Sean Spicer--I remind you,
a professional spokesperson--

yet again lost control
of his mouth.

- Can you take us through
the events

from the perspective
of the White House

that led to
the miscommunication,

this administration thinking
that this vessel

was thousands of miles away from
its actual location?

- The president said that
we have an armada

going towards the peninsula.
That's a fact.

It happened.
It is happening, rather.

- Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.

So Spicer is claiming that
because the fleet

was going to North Korea
"eventually,"

it was fine to suggest that
it was on its way there now.

And by that logic,
I can truthfully say

that Sean Spicer is currently

posting his resume
on Monster.com.

I mean, he isn't,
but he will eventually,

and at this rate,
possibly as soon as next week.

So it seems, with the parade of
potentially fake weapons,

the failed m*ssile test,
and the armada

that's definitely in an ocean
steaming somewhere,

it has been a week of confusing
messages back and forth.

But on Wednesday, we got perhaps

the most surprising message
of all.

- "The New York Times"
reports on unusual activity

at North Korea's
nuclear test site.

Images taken Sunday showed
a volleyball game being played.

It was one of three games.

Analysts say the games
were probably intended

to send a message,
but that message is unclear.

- Yeah, yeah, it probably is,
because volleyball

on a nuclear test site
is a pretty hard

message to get your head around.

It's like getting a text that
said, "Hey, you up?"

eggplant emoji,
"cause I just ate

an entire box of
graham crackers," g*n emoji.

I don't know what that means,

but I'm pretty sure
it can't be good.

For now,
let's move on to Turkey,

a country that shares its name
with a bird,

and not just any bird:
the hottest bird.

Looking good, my friend.
Looking good.

Now, we've talked before about
Turkish president Recep Erdogan,

the mustachioed strongman

who once got hoof-punched
in the d*ck by a horse.

Well--well, he has been
attempting to consolidate

his power for years,
and last Sunday,

he took his boldest step yet.

- President Erdogan
declared victory yesterday

in a referendum that gives him
sweeping new powers.

- His critics say this is a step
towards dictatorship.

- Oh, that's great.

I guess I can now add Turkey

to my list of things
to worry about,

along with America,
the French election,

and whether John Cena is having
a happy 40th birthday today,

and how the f*ck John Cena and I
are the exact same age.

Oh, my God.

That is heartbreaking.

But the point is--the point is,

the power this referendum gives
Erdogan is sweeping.

- Erdogan now has broad,
unchecked powers,

and the authority to potentially

remain in office until 2029.

- It's true, the referendum
gives Erdogan the power

to do pretty much everything,
short of building

a statue of himself
with an erection

that citizens will be forced to
give pretend hand jobs to.

But to be honest, it might
actually have given him

the power to do that as well.

The legitimacy of the results
were immediately

called into question
after "reports

of voting irregularities,"
and European observers

criticized the referendum,
saying it "took place

on an unlevel playing field,"

something that Erdogan
did not take well.

- [speaking Turkish]

- "What George, Hans,
or Helga say,

that's not our problem,"
Erdogan said,

mocking European
election monitors

questioning the results.

- Ouch, that is dismissive,

especially since
"George, Hans, and Helga"

sounds like a former East German
folk-rock group.

"We are George, Hans, und Helga.

"Prepare to have the sounds
of peace and love

"administered promptly into

your ears and brains,
meine freunde!"

But this really does put America
in a very tricky situation.

Turkey is a critical ally,
so any reaction

to this referendum needed
to be handled delicately,

and to his genuine credit,
Sean Spicer refused

to issue a comment
on the contested results.

- My understanding is there's
an international commission

that is reviewing this
and issues a report,

so 10 to 12 days, and so

we'll wait and let them
do their job.

- That is a good idea.

Build the administration
a little time.

Don't jump into the situation
without thinking through

the complicated repur--

you all know what's
coming now, right?

- US President Donald Trump
has called

Turkish President Recep Erdogan

to congratulate him on
his narrow referendum triumph.

- Yeah,
that happened the same day.

And I guess at least it would
have been a fun call.

"Oh, congratulations on narrowly
winning a vote that made you,

"a divisive, egomaniacal bully,

enormously powerful
in your country."

"Thanks.
Same to you, Donald."

"Thanks.
Aren't we the worst?"

"We are the worst.
Good-bye."

"Bye-bye!"

And think about it.

'Cause here's the interesting
thing about this:

why is Trump so eager to stay on
Erdogan's good side?

Well, one explanation for that
actually comes from

Trump himself in this interview
that he gave

to Breitbart in 2015.

- Of course.

Of course to everything
you just heard.

Of course there's
a conflict of interest.

Of course it's caught on tape.

Of course he pronounces it
"Istan-bool."

And of course he has
a child-like surprise

that towers can come in twos.

And look, between his actions
regarding North Korea

and Turkey this week,
World w*r III

is beginning to feel
like Trump's armada:

it's not here yet,
but it sure as shit

feels like it's on its way.

And now, this.

- It is a violation--
- But you see--

[all talking at once]

- I'm not saying
that you're wrong.

- Somebody tell me
where that's wrong.

- What I'm saying
is that Democrats--

[all talking at once]

- Agree to disagree, right now
the Dow is up 92 points.

[all talking at once]

- Bob, do you hear
what you're saying?

- Bob, you know you're on
TV, right?

[all talking at once]

- Hold on, hold on,
no, no, no, no, no.

[all talking at once]

- There is a story--
there is a story

about Trump's company.

[all talking at once]

- I've got to run.
I've got to run.

Let me--let me say this.
I've got to run.

I have to run...

[all talking at once]

- How old are you, Jack?
Hey, Jack.

How old are you, Jack?

[all talking at once]

- Calm down a tad bit--
- All you can think of--

- You're both talking
over each other.

You're both talking over each
other, so I can't hear you.

Go ahead, Senator.
- That's the way it works.

[laughter]

- Moving on.

Our main story tonight
concerns the White House,

the building inside which
Donald Trump--

and I feel this isn't
mentioned enough--

is regularly naked,
and just think about that.

He might be naked
in there right now.

Maybe he just sneezed.

Maybe there's a BAND-AID
somewhere on his person.

We don't know,
we just know that he's there,

and we all have to
live with that.

But while Trump himself
is divisive,

there are two White House
figures who are widely admired:

Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump.

They're like America's
William and Kate,

except in this case,
both of them are attractive.

And--and many--many, many people
have praise for them.

- The only adults in the room,

the moderates, the centrists,
frankly Democrats,

are Jared and Ivanka.
- Mm.

- You know, thank God his kids
are, you know, there day to day.

They're a positive
influence on him.

- His best running mate,
by the way, would be Ivanka.

I don't know that I've met
a more composed,

brilliant,
beautiful in every way,

uh, person.

- Well, that is high praise from
Senator Bob Corker.

"I've never met a more
brilliant, beautiful person."

I imagine that went down great
with his wife and two daughters.

"Happy Father's Day, Dad.
Did Ivanka send you anything?"

But for liberals,
the popular assumption is that

Jared and Ivanka will be
moderating influences.

Basically, if Trump is thinking
about pressing a button

labeled "Nuke Earth," they will,
on behalf of all of us,

guide his hands
toward the button

labeled "Hey...maybe don't."

And they both have
official roles now.

Ivanka has recently taken
an unpaid position

as assistant to the president,
and as for Jared,

well, he seems to have a hand
in basically everything.

- He's been planning
this week's visit

of the Chinese president
to Mar-a-Lago,

and he's also tasked with

brokering peace
in the Middle East.

The president tapping
his son-in-law

to reform the criminal
justice system,

not to mention
he's running the new

Office of American Innovation,

where he's responsible for
reforming veteran care,

tackling the opioid epidemic,

and overseeing
the not-so-small feat

of revamping the entire
federal government.

- Holy shit.

It is not unusual
for powerful men

to give their son-in-laws
do-nothing jobs,

but leave it to Donald Trump,

who can't even get
nepotism right,

to give his a do-everything job.

So given the power
that they seem to hold,

tonight, let's take a look
at Jared and Ivanka,

and let's set aside
the questions surrounding

potential conflicts
of interests between

their business ties
and their positions

in the administration,
and instead,

let's focus on answering
just two basic questions:

is Ivanka really the moderating
influence that people claim?

And what in Jared's background

justifies such a gigantic
White House portfolio?

And let's start with Ivanka,
Trump's only daughter,

except for, and yet somehow
including, Tiffany.

Now, Ivanka is
reassuringly familiar,

because she's been part of
the Trump brand

since she was a child.

She even co-hosted Trump's

"Miss Teen USA" pageant
at age 15,

featuring this noticeably
odd moment.

- Let's go back to Ivanka.

- Thanks, Eddie.

I can guarantee my brothers
were loving that.

Are any of you up there single?
[laughs]

- Oh, God!

Why did they have her say that?

"Yes, Eddie, my blood relatives
are rock hard right now.

"You heard me, the men with whom
I share parents

probably have erect penises
at this very moment."

[laughs shakily]

But in the public drama
of the Trump family,

Ivanka has been cast
as the calm, reasonable,

indoor-voiced one,
a dynamic that's perhaps

best exemplified
by this moment.

- What's the favorite thing you
have in common with your father?

- Either real estate or golf.

- Donald, with your daughter?

- Well, I was going to say sex,

but I can't relate that to her.

- What is wrong with you,
you colossal f*cking creep?

You found the only possible
wrong answer to that question.

What's your favorite color?
"Hitler."

But--but still.
That--that clip--

that clip actually illustrates

a lot of what
we like about Ivanka.

She's the exact opposite
of her dad.

He's crazy.
She's poised and restrained.

And she is impressively
on-message at all times.

Just think about
how little information

she gave you in that exchange.

She was asked, "What do you have
in common with your dad?"

And she said
"real estate and golf."

Those are not personal details.

They are core components
of the Trump brand

that any stranger would
associate with him.

I mean, if you asked
Huey, Dewey, and Louie

what they had in common
with their uncle Donald,

and they said,
"Either feathers or no pants,"

you would think,
"Wow, the Duck family

really doesn't spend a lot of
quality time together."

And that ability
to apparently say nothing

and yet consistently
support her dad can actually

apply to her political views,
as well.

Because the assumption
that many of us have,

that she disagrees with him,
isn't actually based on much.

Just watch her response
to being questioned

about what they specifically
disagree on.

- My father agrees with me
on so many issues.

And where he doesn't,
he knows where I stand.

But it's not my administration.
- Can you give us an example

of something that
you disagree with him on,

and that you think that
by speaking up to him,

it made him change his position
or soften his position?

- I think
most of the impact I have,

over time, most people will not
actually know about.

- Oh, well, that's convenient.

So we should just give her
credit when good stuff happens

and then blame others
when bad stuff happens.

That's not a job description
of a political adviser.

That's a description of
an Old Testament God.

And that answer there
enables you to project

whatever you want onto her
based on

second-hand rumors
and assumptions,

which is exactly what Gayle King
and her co-hosts then did.

- What is it they differ on?

And where do you think she has--

- She is not gonna share that
information--with me, anyway.

She's not sharing
that information.

She said that's between
her and her dad.

- But what do you think?

- I think about climate change,
certainly.

I think about gay rights.

I think some of
the immigration ban.

- Planned Parenthood?

- And certainly
Planned Parenthood.

- Oh, yes, yes, certainly
Planned Parenthood, as well.

Why not?
And you know, those things

all feel true, but there is not
a lot of evidence.

You know, it's the same way
that I assume

Johnny Depp's penis also has

its own miniature
hat and goatee.

Now, I don't have any
concrete evidence

that that is actually the case,
but come on.

Probably, right?
Probably.

And when you look at what
the Trump administration

has been doing,
it is hard to see

much of Ivanka's
influence there.

Take Planned Parenthood, which
she "certainly" cares about.

Well, last week, Donald Trump

allowed states
to block funds to it.

Or maybe take climate change.

Ivanka did reportedly bring
Al Gore to Trump Tower.

But unfortunately,
just three days later,

Trump named climate change
denialist

Scott Pruitt to head the EPA.

And maybe that is an example of
Ivanka's moderating influence.

Maybe Trump's initial choice was

a guy strangling a dolphin
with a six-pack ring.

Although, just out of interest,
let's look at an issue

that Ivanka has been
very outspoken about.

Last year at the RNC,
she brought up

family leave and child care,
and when the Trump campaign

released their plan for that,
she sold it hard.

- We think
we've proposed something

that's incredibly comprehensive.

It's very innovative.

It's a bold and fresh solution.

There's no policy on
Hillary Clinton's website

pertaining to any
of these issues.

Child care, elder care,

or maternity leave, or paternity
leave, for that matter.

- Except none of that
was remotely true.

First, of course Hillary's site
had pages on those issues,

so it seems when it comes to
lying about

easily observable facts,
the apple does not

fall far from the orange.

And--and let's--
let's take a look, though,

at that comprehensive, bold,

fresh Trump child care proposal,

because according to
the Tax Policy Center,

"very few" of its benefits

went to
"the lowest income families."

In fact, families with incomes
between $10,000 and $30,000

would receive average benefits
of just $10 a year.

And the only day care
that costs $10 is a padlock.

Okay, okay,
Mommy's going to work,

and Mrs. Master Lock
is gonna keep you

in your bedroom
for the next eight hours.

Thanks, Ivanka!
You're the best!

And look,
you may still like Ivanka.

That's fine.
She can be appealing.

And that's frankly
not by accident.

She's been trained in the art
of Trump branding

to be as vague and likable
as possible

so that everyone
can plausibly think

that she shares their values,

whether or not
that's actually true,

and if that sounds like
a harsh thing

for me to say about her,
I will point out

she's basically shared that
message in one of her books.

- She's pretty much telling you
to your face

not to trust any assumption that
you are making about her.

So it is possible
that she's doing

nothing to moderate her father,
and I understand that

there is an impulse not to want
to think about that.

Just like you don't want to
think about the fact that

it is also possible that in
the White House right now,

her father may be bowling naked.

Yeah, maybe he's wearing
bowling shoes.

Maybe he's forcing Mike Pence
to play alongside him.

We don't know.
We just have to deal with

the fact that it's possible.

But look, the truth is,
we may all be thinking

that Ivanka is doing a lot more
than she actually is,

although the same can
emphatically not be said

for her husband, Jared Kushner,
the man--remember--

responsible for,
among other things,

repairing the Middle East,
something that his father-in-law

is actually pretty confident in.

- I have a feeling that Jared
is gonna do a great job.

I have a feeling he's gonna...
[cheers and applause]

He's gonna do a great job.

He is so great.
If you can't produce peace

in the Middle East, nobody can.

- Okay, then nobody can.

Or--or, I am wrong, and
future history books will say,

"And peace was finally brought
to the Middle East

by a sentient Kohl's mannequin
who read a book once."

But Jared actually has
even more responsibility.

He's also reportedly been
the primary point of contact

for two dozen
different countries.

And if you look at photos
of Trump's meetings,

it's like "Where's Waldo?"
He's in all of them.

When Trump met the leaders
of Congress, there he was.

At a listening session with
business leaders, there he was.

At a meeting on cyber security,
there he was.

At a meeting with
a Saudi prince, there's Jared.

Japanese prime minister?
Boom, it's J-dawg.

Chinese president visiting?

You got Kushner in the house.

Discussing the airstrikes
on Syria?

Where's the Kush?
Where's the Kush?

There he is!
There's the Kush!

Basically,
Jared is either being invited

to every important meeting,

or he died in the White House
in the late 1800s,

and he's been haunting it
ever since.

Jared's portfolio
would be unmanageable

for the smartest man on Earth.

So, is Jared Kushner
the smartest man on Earth?

We already know that
he's the coolest.

He can really rock
a trill pair of sunnies.

But what is going on
behind them?

- This guy can be quiet
but confident,

and as it was described to me,
he is a visionary.

- If you have meetings with
Jared Kushner, Jared listens.

He doesn't talk that much.
He absorbs it.

- I see Jared as like
the Alexander Hamilton

of the new administration.

He's super thoughtful.
- Okay.

- He's a--he's a--he's a
three-times listener,



- Stop.

So hold on, he is brilliant
because he's quiet?

Just because you don't talk
does not necessarily

mean you're thinking
something amazing.

It can just mean that
you're sitting in a meeting,

staring blankly at
peoples' moving lips,

thinking about why baby cats
aren't called "cattens."

Or whether all goldfish might
have peanut allergies,

but since they don't ever
eat peanuts,

we'll just never know.

And that whole
"0.5% talker" thing

does point to something
genuinely odd about Jared,

because for someone with
the amount of power that he has,

have you ever heard him speak?

Seriously, what does
his voice sound like?

You don't know, do you?
And look, it wasn't easy,

but we did actually manage to
find an interview of him

talking on TV in 2009,
and here it is.

- [Gilbert Gottfried] My main
business is real estate,

and I also own a newspaper
and some other

websites and online
media businesses.

[laughter]

- Yeah.
Yeah, I know, I know.

I know.
I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "Hold on,
you just took that clip

and you dubbed
in Gilbert Gottfried,"

but you don't know that
for sure.

Listen to it again.

- [Gilbert Gottfried] My main
business is real estate,

and I also own a newspaper
and some other

websites and online
media businesses.

- You don't know for a fact

that that is not
his actual voice.

And that is the real point.

So in the absence of
Jared's spoken thoughts,

we've instead had to rely on
second-hand evidence

of his brilliance,
and the first thing

many people cite
is his education.

- Jared is a great young man.
Went to Harvard, very smart.

- He want to Harvard.
- Jared is a very--

he's a number one
at Harvard guy.

He's incredibly smart.

- Yes, but that's not really
evidence of anything.

The Unabomber went to Harvard.

Ted Cruz went to Harvard.

And yes, plenty of smart people
went there too.

They'll tell you about it.

But it is worth--
it is worth noting

that officials at
Jared's high school

were reportedly dismayed
he got in

because, as one put it,
"His GPA did not warrant it,

his SAT scores
did not warrant it."

So who knows
how he pulled that off?

I'm sure it's absolutely nothing
to do with the fact

that his father pledged
$2.5 million to the school

shortly before he was admitted,
and I am certainly not saying

that that is a textbook case
of paying for admission.

I'll leave that to the textbook
"The Price of Admission,"

in which that story
actually appears.

But--but the point is,
however Jared got in,

after graduating, he took over

his father's
real estate business

after his dad Charlie
was sent to prison,

and I don't have time
to get into why.

Let me just say it involves
blackmailing his brother-in-law,

a sex worker, and a hidden
camera in an alarm clock

in a shitbox motel on Route 22

called the Red Bull--
the Red Bull Inn.

The whole story,
I promise, is amazing.

Trust me, it is worth a Google.

You're gonna need
the SafeSearch off.

But--but how has Jared
run the family business?

Well, he made a big splash
when he bought 666 5th Avenue

for a record $1.8 billion
in 2007,

but that deal has not been
a raging success.

- The entire deal
was a miscalculation.

- They absolutely paid
too much at the time.

He bought at the very top
of the market,

so then the market turned.

- Ten years later,
the building is struggling

to cover its debt payments.

- Okay, so Kushner's purchase
did make a splash,

but it turned out to be more
the kind of splash

your phone makes when it falls
into the toilet.

Now,
that building is obviously not

Jared's whole record
in business.

He also owned
the "New York Observer,"

which even the paper's staff
found a little odd,

given that several people
described him as

an "unenthusiastic reader,
with little use

for newspapers,
let alone books."

He also recently spearheaded

a Brooklyn development
called Dumbo Heights.

And one of his partners
praised his involvement there,

saying, "He's very uncluttered
in his mind.

"I think that simplicity

allows him to filter
some things out."

Which could be a compliment
or a savage insult.

And to give you a flavor

of what Jared's vision
for Dumbo Heights is,

I'd like you to watch a video
that he showed

to a real estate conference
which is the most

infuriating combination of
meaningless tech nonsense

and stock footage of models
pretending to conduct business

that you will ever see.

- Dumbo Heights:
a dynamic space

mechanically engineered
for optimum performance

and unrivaled connectivity.

This campus is
the staging ground

for the next generation
of innovators

and creators.

Change is forged on this campus

in the fire of great thinkers
and visionaries.

A community built
for collaboration.

When innovation is cultivated,

the world rises to meet.

- Dope.

You know, it's hard to pick--
it's hard to pick,

but I think my favorite
phrase in there is actually

bragging that the development is
"mechanically engineered."

Because what are
the other options there?

How many office buildings
are naturally occurring,

or created with a wish
on a genie's lamp?

And if you are starting
to get concerned

that Jared's business record
may not qualify him

for his current jobs,
I should point out

one other prominent item
that is on his resume:

the 2016 election.

A few weeks after it was over,
"Forbes" ran a cover story

titled
"This Guy Got Trump Elected,"

which does sound impressive, and
it features quotes from Jared

like, "We played Moneyball,
asking ourselves which states

will get the best ROI
for the electoral vote,"

which is a sentence
that can only be forged

in the uncluttered mind of
the wizard of Dumbo Heights.

But in fairness, the article
does give some examples

of what specific
technical expertise

Jared may have brought
into the operation.

- They used targeting.
They found a way to get people

on Facebook and Twitter.

They evolved into this


secret data center
down in San Antonio,

and they had data do everything.

Data determined his schedule,
his rallies,

even what he spoke about
in the rallies, so they knew--

- Even what he spoke about
at the rallies?

- Yes.
- Really?

Data determined what Trump
spoke about at his rallies?

Look, I don't doubt that
there were 100 people

in a basement somewhere
Moneyballing the ROI,

but I would love to see the data
that recommended this.

- I love these boards.
Look, here's a beauty.

Here's a beauty.
I just--I love charts.

I love charts.

And I always said, you know,
it's too tough

putting a screen up,
you got to get guys,

costs too much money--
I don't like to spend money.

This is a cheap version
of a screen, okay?

It's just as good.

But you need good, strong hands.

So look, you ready?

So there it is.

- Thanks, Jared.

You really
mechanically engineered

the shit out of that one.

But you know what?
Trump did win the election.

And I wasn't there,
so who knows?

Maybe Jared is single-handedly

responsible for
the entire victory.

But that still doesn't mean
he has the specific knowledge

to tackle government reform,
or the Middle East,

or the opioids epidemic.

Can somebody please reassure me
that this is okay?

- Jared is incredibly smart,

very talented,
has enormous capacity.

He is humble in the recognition

of what he doesn't know,

and is tremendously secure

in his ability to--
to seek informed viewpoints.

- No, not you.
Not you.

I know your game now.
Not you.

And also, to that point that he
will seek informed viewpoints,

that will be harder
since there are still hundreds

of key jobs
across the government

that Trump has not yet
named nominees for,

some at agencies central
to Jared's duties,

including the Department
of Transportation,

the DEA, and the VA.

It is too bad that Trump
can't appoint someone

to nominate people
on his behalf,

although even then,
I am pretty sure

that he'd give that job
to Jared f*cking Kushner.

And yet, the truth is,
for many people,

the main thing qualifying Jared
for his positions

is not so much who he is,
but who he isn't.

- As many questions as I have
about Jared and Ivanka

and their qualifications,
they're a lot more qualified

than people like Steve Bannon.

- I, like everybody,
would prefer to have them

rather than Mr. Bannon
involved in decisions.

- Is he James Baker?
No, he's not James Baker.

- The answer's no.
- But is he Steve Bannon?

No, he's not Steve Bannon.

- All right, that is true.

Jared Kushner is not
Steve Bannon,

but that is a low bar.

That recommendation would
get you no other job.

We shouldn't be excited about
a top White House adviser

simply because he is preferable
to a man best described as

every dark thought humanity
has ever had,

inhabiting the long-dead corpse
of a Civil w*r-era

plantation owner
that even his fellow

plantation owners called
"a bit much."

There has to be a third option
here, and even some people

who know Jared and like him
have some serious questions.

- I know Jared Kushner
and Ivanka.

They lived in my building.
They're lovely young people.

Does this person have
any qualifications?

Lovely guy.
I'm sure level-headed.

Yes, he's temperamentally sane,

versus the president, got it.

Having said that, what has
this guy done in his life ever?

- Just listen to what
he just said.

Lovely young man, seems
level-headed, what's he done?

It does not bode well that
Jared Kushner's neighbors

describe him like
he just got arrested

for murdering 11 people.

And look, in the end,
this isn't even Jared's fault.

It's the fault of the guy
who appointed him.

Because think about it this way:

imagine anyone other than
Donald Trump was president.

And hold that thought.

It's nice, right?

In fact--in fact, imagine--

imagine this stock photo guy
was in office.

This guy, and he said,
"Hey, everyone, I'm gonna fix

"the Middle East, and opioids,

"and the whole of government
in general,

"and I've found
the perfect person to do it.

"It's this creepily silent


"heir to a real estate fortune.

What does everyone think?"

You would justifiably be
f*cking upset at that.

And I know that all of this
may seem like

an evisceration of
both Jared and Ivanka,

but it is really not.

I don't know enough about them
to eviscerate them,

just as you don't know
enough about them

to justify putting
any real hopes in them.

Because it is dangerous
to think of them

as a moderating influence,
as reassuring as that may feel,

because believe me--and it gives
me no pleasure to say this--

if they are the reason
you are sleeping at night,

you should probably
still be awake.

And if you need help doing that,
simply remember,

Donald Trump may currently be
airing out his balls

in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Sweet dreams.

And now, this.

- I'm sexist.
I'm a bigot.

I'm a r*cist.
- Oh.

- Look, let's just get it
on the table.

I'm everything.
r*cist, sexist,

or any other "ist"
the far left embraces.

They're gonna point at people,
"You're a r*cist,

"you're a sexist,
you made me uncomfortable.

You did this, you did that."

What about this sexism thing?

I don't really know
what this is.

Now, just the fact that I said
"va-va-voom"

make me a sexist, right?
- No, it doesn't.

- It doesn't?
Are you sure?

I wanted two ladies on here.
- Yeah.

- 'Cause I know I'm insensitive.

Now, you guys are both, uh,
um, female.

There's got to be some downside
to having a woman president.

Right?
Something.

Something that may not fit
with that office.

Many women who get pregnant are
blasted out of their minds

when they have sex--they're not
gonna use birth control anyway.

Maria, when you hear me
try to talk,

that means you have
to button it up.

You know,
you're snorting out there,

and I want you to knock it off.
- I'm not snorting.

- Now, if you were men, I would
have scolded you harder.

You don't want
to be treated equally.

You want special treatment!
- [gasps] Absolutely not.

- Yes, you do!

She looks good for 50.

- Oh, please.
- Oh!

- You a little chilly here
in this outfit?

Calling me sexist?
Ooh.

You know, I'll go
on the lesbian cruise.

Yeah, I'd see it as a challenge.

All right, ladies, good debate.
We're not mad at you, Kirsten.

I'm sorry if I mischaracterized
what you were doing, all right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Want respect for everyone.

White people don't force
black people

to have babies out of wedlock.

I do not believe you are granted

favorable treatment in this
country because you are white.

The white establishment
is now the minority.

The race hustlers
blame white privilege.

You can't be blaming
the white people for everything.

It's ridiculous.
There's no white privilege.

There must be Asian privilege.

Because the Asians are at
the top of the chart.

And the African-Americans are at
the bottom of the chart.

And it has nothing
to do with sl*very.

It has everything to do with
you Hollywood people

and you derelict parents.

By nature,
I'm kind of a hothead.

This is justice--
- This is nothing to do with--

- And you want anarchy!

But mostly,
when things go wrong,

you should not react, at least
until you're cooled down.

We'll do it live!
f*ck it!

Do it live!

If you raise your voice
even slightly!

You're labeled a maniac.

I'll write it,
and we'll do it live!

f*cking thing sucks!

[cheers and applause]

- That's our show.
Thanks so much for watching.

We're off next week.
Back after that, good-night.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- [Gilbert Gottfried] My main
business is real estate.

[bright tone]