04x09 - 2017 French presidential election

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- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much
for joining us.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week.

And we begin
with President Trump,

two words that give you
a sense of impending doom,

like "sewage enema"
or "United Airlines."

But this week
saw a spectacular moment,

when White House spokesman
Sean Spicer

attempted to explain
our stance on Syria

by pointing to the fact
Assad had used

chemical weapons
on his own people.

Not that difficult a thing
to explain.

Certainly very difficult
to explain this badly.

- You look.

We didn't use chemical weapons
in World w*r II.

You know, you had a--

you know, uh, someone
as despicable as Hitler,

who didn't even sink
to the--to the--

to using chemical weapons.

- Yes, Hitler
didn't use chemical weapons.

That's not just wrong;

that's $200 question
on "Jeopardy" wrong.

That is "Wheel of Fortune"
First Round Toss-Up wrong.

Because everybody knows

mass chemical extermination
was kind of Hitler's thing,

that and the mustache.

You take them away,
and all you've got

is an ill-tempered Austrian
with resting bitch face.

And--and Spicer's comments

led to this incredible
follow-up question.

- Just want to give you
the opportunity to clarify

something you said
that seems to be gaining

some traction right now.

Uh, "Hitler didn't even sink
to the level

of using chemical weapons."

What did you mean by that?

- I think when you come
to sarin gas,

uh, there was no--
he was not using the gas

on his own people the same way
that Assad is doing.

I mean, there was clearly--

uh, I--I understand your point.
Thank you.

I--thank you.
I appreciate that.

There was--not in the--
in the--

he brought 'em into the--
to, um--

to the Holocaust Center.
I understand that.

- At no point during that

was he in control
of his own mouth.

Most specifically, the moment
he suddenly decided to

coin the term
"Holocaust Center,"

which sounds like the home arena
for an alt-right hockey team.

But wait, wait,
'cause he wasn't done.

Spicer then put out
a printed statement,

reading, "In no way
was I trying to lessen

the horrendous nature
of the Holocaust,"

which is an amazing way
to start any statement.

Continuing, "However,

"I was trying to draw
a contrast of

"the tactic of using airplanes

to drop chemical weapons
on innocent people."

The problem there is,
that could imply

the victims of the Holocaust

were not innocent people,

hence Spicer's hastily
released second statement,

changing "innocent people"
to "population centers,"

then a third statement
with an extra line saying,

"Any attack on innocent people

is reprehensible
and inexcusable."

And then a final statement
which read, in its entirety,

"Hello. I can't stop
making statements.

"I don't want to make
any more statements.

Can anybody hear me?
Hitler, Hitler, Hitler. Sean."

Meanwhile--meanwhile,

the president himself was being
interviewed about Syria,

where he described
in surprising detail

the moment that he informed
Chinese president Xi Jinping

that the strikes
would be taking place.

- I was sitting at the table.
We had finished dinner.

We're now having dessert.

And we had the most beautiful
piece of chocolate cake

that you've ever seen.

And President Xi
was enjoying it.

And I was given the message
from the generals

that the ships
are locked and loaded.

What do you do?

And we made
a determination to do.

- Only Donald Trump could use
a conversation about

m*ssile strikes
in the Middle East

to advertise the cake
at Mar-a-Lago,

which, by the way,
you might

want to think twice
about trying,

given that, just this week,
it was reported

the club's kitchen was cited
for 13 health code violations

for, among other things,

fish that had not undergone
proper parasite destruction

and storing ham at 57 degrees,

because nothing says
upscale dining

like lukewarm ham
with a side of tapeworm.

And if you're thinking,
"Well, hold on,

"perhaps the president
brought up the cake

"because he wanted to be
extra precise

about every single detail,"

well, let's rejoin
that interview

just one minute later.

- So what happens is, I said,

"We've just launched


heading to Iraq."

- Well, you--headed to Syria.

- Yes, heading toward Syria.

- I honestly wish
she'd just kept naming places

to see if he kept agreeing
with her.

"Headed to Egypt?"
"Yes, headed to Egypt."

"Headed to Dollywood?"
"Yes, headed to Dollywood."

"Headed straight for us?"

"Yes, headed straight for us
right now."

Now, as we mentioned last week,

the bigger issue with Trump's
sudden bombing of Syria is,

it runs directly counter to
everything he'd said previously,

through tweets like,

"What I am saying
is stay out of Syria."

But it turned out
that was just a warm-up

for a week full of
foreign policy flip-flops.

- President Trump making
a number of stunning reversals,

as he faces multiple
foreign policy crises.

After repeatedly
calling NATO obsolete

on the campaign trail...

- NATO, in my opinion,
is obsolete.

- Now Mr. Trump,
changing his tone...

- I said it was obsolete.

It's no longer obsolete.

- It is incredibly annoying

how long it took Donald Trump
to reach a conclusion

that everyone else
had already reached.

It's like a flat-Earther finally
admitting the Earth is round.

Yes, you are finally right,
but I'm still mad at you

that you ever believed
that shit in the first place.

And that's just the beginning.

He also U-turned on calling
China a "currency manipulator,"

replacing
Fed. Chair Janet Yellen,

and his criticisms
of the Export-Import Bank.

And you may be happy
with those reversals,

but if you are
a Trump supporter,

you might be
rightly pissed off.

This is not
what you thought you bought.

It's like getting tickets
for "The vag*na Monologues,"

but on the night you went,
it starred Brian Dennehy,

who's great--
look, don't get me wrong--

but he's not really
what you signed up for.

And sometimes Trump's 180s
seem to happen in real-time.

For instance,
his longstanding belief

that North Korea could easily
be taken care of by China

apparently changed

moments after he brought it up
to Xi Jinping.

- "Mr. Xi then explained

the history of China and Korea,"
Mr. Trump said.

"After listening
for ten minutes," he said,

"I realize it's not so easy."

[laughter]

- Xi Jinping got him
to completely change his mind

after just ten minutes.

And how did he even explain
something that complicated

in so short a time?

I genuinely want to know that,

because if this show
did a segment on grapes,

we'd need 20 minutes

and an appearance
from a marching band.

The president seems
to change his mind

based on any information
that is new to him,

which seems to be
almost any information,

and that is genuinely worrying.

We have a leader operating
on a learner's permit,

and we were reminded
just this week

of what a president
has at his disposal.

- We learned a short time ago,

for the first time in combat,

the U.S. military dropped
a 21,000-pound b*mb

in eastern Afghanistan.

Inside the Air Force,
inside the military,

it quite seriously
is referred to

as "the mother of all bombs."

- Okay, now, there is obviously
a lot to unpack there,

but let's just take a minute
and appreciate the fact

that we finally
reached a point

where mothers
can be bombs too.

#MOMBOMBS, #FEMINISM.

But minutes after
that historic b*mb drop,

Trump took a victory lap
that was tripped up slightly

by one very simple question.

- We are so proud
of our military,

and it was another
successful event.

- Uh, everybody knows
exactly what happened, so...

And what I do is,
I authorize my military.

We have the greatest military
in the world,

and they've done a job,
as usual,

so we have given them
total authorization.

- What the f*ck was that?

That was a yes-or-no question,

to which you vomited 38 words,

none of which were yes or no,

although to be fair,

none of them
were "Holocaust Center" either,

so I guess we should be
at least partially relieved.

And incidentally,
later reports suggest

that the U.S. commander
who ordered the b*mb drop

didn't need and didn't request

President Trump's approval,

which means Trump has placed

a significant amount
of authority

in the hands of his commanders.

And you may think that's good,

you may think that's bad,

but I would not expect Trump

to curb that power
any time soon,

because, as we talked about
last week,

this is a man
who responds to praise,

and yet again,
he's being praised for this.

Just watch Trump's
favorite morning show,

"Fox & Friends,"
respond to the bombing.

- ♪ Uncle Sam put your name ♪

♪ At the top of his list ♪

♪ And the Statue of Liberty ♪

♪ Started shakin' her fist ♪

- That video's black-and-white.
- Good morning.

- But that is what
freedom looks like.

That's the red, white,
and blue.

- Well, one of
my favorite things

in the 16 years
I've been here at Fox News

is watching bombs
drop on bad guys.

- Oh, that's a coincidence,

because one
of my favorite things

in four seasons on this show

is getting to look
directly into the camera

and say, "f*ck you, Geraldo.

I hope your mustache
gets caught in a box fan."

Oh!
Oh! That felt amazing.

That felt absolutely amazing.

But Geraldo wasn't done.

He had strategic advice

for the man who was
almost certainly watching.

- It's not gonna win the w*r,

but it certainly
sends a message.

The message has to be,
"We're coming for you."

You know, I--I had a bully
in high school,

a guy named Richie.

You never knew
what Richie was gonna do.

Richie had a--a--you know, a--
he'd have a temper.

Sometimes he'd wanna k*ll ya,
and sometimes he'd let you go.

I like that they think
that Donald Trump is like

Richie from my high school.

I want the bad guys to think

that he could do
anything to them...

- Unpredictable.
- At any--any moment,

and I think that
that has a positive impact.

- Holy shit.

You see, this is why
bullying never works.

If you have a bully in school,
there is a good chance

he's turning some kid
into the next Geraldo Rivera.

And if you have a bully
in the White House,

he does violent,
impulsive things

that seem to be inching us
closer to, among other things,

potential nuclear w*r
with North Korea.

And if that happens,

it's gonna take a f*cking
amazing piece of chocolate cake

to help us forget about it.

And now, this.

male announcer: And now...

- We've got
an Easter egg hunt

that is said to be
egg-cellent.

- So you'd better hop on over
to the Lincoln Park Zoo.

- Well, hop-pening
this weekend,

one event in the Northland

is sure to "egg-cellent"
for the entire family.

- The egg-cellent details
when I see you for

"Eyewitness News"
at 7:00 on WYOU.

- Hope it's all that
it's cracked up to be.

[laughter]

- They're out here
with their parents

getting some of those, uh,
egg-cellent goodies.

- You bet your bonnet

we have a plethora
of egg-citing events.

- This Minnesota restaurant
is gearing up for Easter

with this egg-cellent
tradition, they say.

Notice the play on
the word "egg."

- An egg-cellent wild card pick.
See what I did there?

- I bet you're wondering
what's hopping over here.

- Thanks, José, sounds like
an egg-citing time.

- Kids will be able
to trade that in

for an eggs-tra special treat.

both: Oh!

- That was good.
- I saw what you did there.

- Great job there.

- That--it was written
in the script that way.

- Moving on.

Our main story tonight
concerns France,

home of Babar,
the lovable elephant

who becomes less lovable

when you remember that
in the books,

he married his cousin;
that's right.

Your childhood elephant hero
was a cousin fucker.

The point is, next Sunday,

France holds the first round
of its presidential election,

and if you're thinking,

"Well, why should I care
about that?"

The truth is,
it is way more important

than you might realize.

- It's a very important
election,

what's going to happen
in France.

It's the future of Europe,
basically.

- Overwhelmingly, France
is the election that matters.

- Well, these French elections
take place

at the crossroad
of European history.

It's really defining
Europe's fate.

- That's right.

The fate of Europe
rests in the hands of a country

that looks at snails
and says,

"I have got to get you
in my mouth."

But it is not an exaggeration
to say that, post-Brexit,

and with a wave of far-right
populism sweeping Europe,

the fate of the EU
may hang on this election.

Multiple candidates support
a French Brexit,

and the consequences of that
would be steep.

- And frankly,
it's not bragging,

but if France is out of the EU,
it's the end of the EU

and the end of
the eurozone,

uh, so a lot of things
will depend on

the result
of the French elections.

- It's true.

This could be
the most disastrous

French exit in history,

and that is acknowledging
that a "French exit"

normally refers to drinking
an entire bottle of red wine

and then leaving the party
with the host's wife.

So--so this is
a critical election,

or technically,
two critical elections.

- The election takes place
in two rounds,

one on April the 23rd,
the next on May the 7th.

The first round will see

all the candidates
compete for votes.

In the second, assuming
nobody got more than

half the votes
in the first round,

the top two contenders
will face off.

- What a ridiculous system.

Where are
the 51 individual contests

that allot points based on
outdated demographic data

that can result in
a decisive loser

in the popular vote count
somehow winning?

That's just stupid!

Well, go easy on France.

They're still working out
the kinks in their democracy.

And this--this election comes
at a time of great volatility.

France has suffered a string
of major terror att*cks,

their unemployment rate
is hovering around 10%,

and their current president,
François Hollande,

isn't even running,
for a pretty good reason.

- The latest opinion polls
have come out.

Uh, François Hollande,
he's at an all-time low.

I mean, he even got close
to zero here, didn't he?

- Get ready for it--
according to this poll,

only 4% of French people
are satisfied by

François Hollande's presidency.
- Wow.

- 4%.

- 4%!

To put that in perspective,
apparently the very lowest

album score
in Metacritic's history

is 15% for Kevin Federline's
"Playing with Fire,"

an album about which
"Billboard" raved,

"In general,
Federline enunciates well."

But even without
Hollande running,

his Socialist Party
is divided and struggling,

with one early contender
to replace him, Manuel Valls,

so widely disliked
that this happened.

- [speaking French]
- It happened an hour ago

in this café behind me,

Café Broglie, well known
to Strasbourg residents.

A man approached Manuel Valls
and threw flour at him.

- [speaking French]

[clamoring in French]

- Look, anywhere else,

it might be a bad sign
to have flour thrown at you,

but in a country
where pastries have

greater constitutional rights
than people,

it is technically possible that
that was actually an honor.

So--so who is running
for this important job?

Well--well, there are actually


and we'll get to the main ones
in a minute,

but first you're going
to want to meet

some of the outsiders.

There is Jacques Cheminade,
a conspiracy theorist

who once said that
the Queen of England

was involved in
international drug trafficking,

and whose platform includes
a plan to colonize Mars,

which he explained
magnificently.

- [speaking French]

- You're right.

He just said,

"Larry Skywalker
and that weird bear,"

presumably meaning Chewbacca,

and I really think
that should've been

those characters' names
instead.

"Hi, I'm Han Solo,
this is Larry,

"and this is our friend,
that weird bear,

or whatever the f*ck he is,
I don't know."

Then--then
there is Jean Lassalle,

who, as you can see,
is almost offensively French.

He once went on
a 39-day hunger strike

to protest a threat to jobs
in his constituency.

And his campaign ads
are mesmerizing.

He rides on a train
in moody black-and-white,

works on his farm,
dances around,

and then mows a hillside
shirtless.

His entire life seems like
an attempt to win

the game show called
"So You Think You Can France."

But the thing is,
there are currently

four main candidates

with a real shot at getting
to the second round.

There is François Fillon,

the former
French prime minister.

Now, he was once
the leading candidate

but has since fallen back
in the polls

thanks to Penelopegate,

which sounds like
a scandal involving

selling weapons-grade uranium
to Penélope Cruz.

But--but it actually involves

Fillon allegedly paying
his wife, Penelope, and children

hundreds of thousands
of euros of public money

for little or no work.

And the accusations
don't stop there.

- There are reports he may have
breached electoral rules

after receiving
a donation of two suits

that together
cost 13,000 euros.

- I am perfectly allowed to be
given a suit by a friend.

It's not against the law.

- Oh, you're right.

That is a completely
normal thing

for adult friends to do.

Happy birthday, friend.

I got you two suits
that cost about $7,000 each,

because that is
a non-suspicious amount

to spend on a gift
for a friend.

How not weird is this?

Couldn't be not weirder, right?

So the French public
turned on Fillon,

and you will never guess
how they expressed their anger.

- Moments before
he took the stage at a rally,

you'll see he was, uh,
hit in the face with some flour.

We can see images of that
happening right there.

Now, apparently
he had a spare suit,

luckily for him.

- Oh!

It just doesn't look great
to whip out a brand-new suit

when you've been
essentially accused of

having been bribed in suits.

Maybe go for a T-shirt
and shorts there.

Now next, there is far-left
candidate Jean-Luc Mélenchon,

who is anti-EU and pro-high-tech
campaign wizardry.

- Answering
the eternal question

of how to be
in two places at once,

presidential candidate
Jean-Luc Mélenchon

has embraced holograms.

- [speaking French]
- Where am I?

In León.

[crowd cheers]

And now in Paris.

[crowd cheers]

- Cool.

That--that was both
very lame and very costly.

It's like finding out

your uncle's detachable
thumb trick cost him $400,000.

And that brings us to
the two current frontrunners,

and first, let's deal
with Emmanuel Macron.

Polls suggest
that he is the favorite

to win the presidency,
which is actually impressive,

considering he's never held
elected office before.

He's a former banker,

who served as an
economic advisor to Hollande.

And if you are falling sleep

just listening to me
describe him,

you're not alone.

- Mr. Macron,
who is neither left not right,

and is generally inoffensive
to the entire population,

is not super attractive
to anyone.

- Ouch.

He is generally inoffensive

and not super attractive
to anyone.

That makes him
sound like he's the guy

who played the main character
on "How I Met Your Mother."

This man, and this is true,
has no name.

Macron has a Centrist policy

that is pro-business,
pro-Europe,

and aimed at boosting
France's economy,

but the most interesting thing
about him might be this.

- Emmanuel Macron was once
a small-town boy from Amiens,

who met his future wife here
at school.

The only twist is that
she was his teacher.

- It's true.

He married his French teacher,

who is 20 years older
than him,

and as a result, Macron,
a 39-year-old man,

now has seven
step-grandchildren.

And I'm sorry,
but a man in his 30s

suddenly ending up
with seven step-grandchildren

sounds like
the plot of a direct-to-DVD

Ashton Kutcher movie called

"Even On A Nine-Hour Flight,
This Movie Is Unwatchable."

And by the way,
if you're wondering,

"Did Macron
get any baking ingredient

thrown at him
during the campaign?"

Well, what do you think?

- [speaking French]
- Ah!

[all speaking French]

- Emmanuel Macron

just got hit in the head
with an egg.

- So to recap,

that is two cups of flour
and now an egg.

Now, I don't know
if the French people

are any closer
to picking a president,

but they're about halfway
to making a decent crepe.

And that--that leaves us
with Marine Le Pen,

Macron's biggest challenger,

and honestly,
she is the main reason

you should be invested
in this election.

The Le Pen name carries
a lot of baggage in France.

Her father
was Jean-Marie Le Pen,

who co-founded her party,
the National Front,

and he is a deeply unpleasant
human being.

- Jean-Marie Le Pen famously
dismissed the n*zi gas chambers

as a mere detail of history,

and courts have repeatedly
found him guilty

of questioning the Holocaust.

- Oh, that's just a taster.

He also said
of one Jewish critic,

"We'll put a batch
in the oven next time,"

which is the kind of
vile, horrific anti-Semitism

that gets most people

permanently banished
from society,

as well as an Oscar nomination

for directing "Hacksaw Ridge."

Now--now Marine Le Pen

actually kicked her father
out of the party

and has worked very hard
to rehabilitate

the National Front's reputation
and present a softer image.

And to listen
to one French voter,

it seems to have worked.

- [speaking French]

- Why vote for Nacional?
It's simple.

It's Marine Le Pen.

If it were her father
in charge,

it would be no,
because he's a crazy old man.

Back then,
there were skinheads,

thugs, and fascists
in the party.

With Marine,
it's not like that at all.

There's an elegance,
a bit of restraint.

- Yeah, but elegant presentation

does not negate
poisonous content.

A Klansman is still a Klansman,

even if you slap a monocle
and a top hat on him

and give him a cane.

Wait, wait, hang on, hang on,
take off that sheet.

I f*cking knew it!
I f*cking knew it!

You're a monster, Peanut!
You're a monster!

No.
[chuckles]

The point--the point is,

Le Pen is particularly popular
among young people in France,

who have a high rate
of unemployment

and have responded
to her promises

to institute programs
to give them jobs

and encourage a national
preference in employment,

making it more expensive
for businesses

to hire non-citizens.

But beneath
her slick presentation,

Le Pen's message is vicious.

A few years back, she was asked
about immigrants in France,

and while her answer
started well,

it quickly deteriorated.

- [speaking French]

- Hold on,
brutalizing your wife

and stealing your wallet
I get.

That's just boilerplate racism.

But, "People are coming
to take my wallpaper,"

is something
a crazy person says.

No one wants your wallpaper,

you catastrophically weird
person.

And while France
is a proudly secular society,

some of Le Pen's proposals
would take that to the extreme.

- Should Muslim people be
allowed to wear head scarves?

- [speaking French]

- No, I'm opposed to wearing
head scarves in public places.

That's not France.

- It's not just head scarves.

Le Pen says she would ban
yarmulkes in public--

any conspicuous symbol
of religious belief.

Would a Sikh person allowed
to be--wear a turban?

- No, not in public.

We don't have
a lot of Sikhs in France.

We've got some,

but we don't really hear
much from them or about them,

which is good news.

- Is it? Is it?

That is such
a reprehensible thing

to say about people
you hope to govern,

that--and I never thought
I'd say this to someone,

because it doesn't
really make sense--

I hope someone steals
your wallpaper.

I--I don't know
why they would, Marine,

but I hope they do.

The truth here is, though,

whatever the result
of this election,

Le Pen has already dangerously
normalized the National Front,

winning seats
at the local level

and even a few
in the legislature.

And one of
the frustrating things

about watching this unfold
from America

is, this feels
a little like déjà vu.

A potentially destabilizing
populist

campaigning on
anti-immigrant rhetoric

who rages against the elites,

despite having a powerful father
and inherited wealth,

even as all the experts
reassure us

that there is no way
that this can possibly happen.

- The truth is,
she's not going to win,

because in
the second round,

everybody will
unite against her.

- I would think that
most people,

it doesn't matter
which political color,

will vote for Macron just to
block the way to Marine Le Pen.

- She will not win.

We will not have in France
another Trump election.

She is not named
Donald Le Pen.

She is just Marine Le Pen.
She will not be elected.

- That is the kind of
reckless overconfidence

you normally only see
in a period piece movie

about a tragedy.

Why, the "Hindenburg"
is the safest

form of travel there is.

I'd like to see
static electricity

even try to set this ship
on fire, I tells ya.

But I would not be
so confident,

especially because

while turnout
in French presidential elections

is normally around 80%,

this time, polls show that
around 1/3 of French voters

might choose to abstain,

and if they do that
in the second round,

Le Pen's very motivated voters
could put her in office,

and that could be bad
for a lot of people.

So please, France,

I would like to try
and convince you

not to sit this election out,
and to do that,

let me appeal to your innate
French sense of superiority

over the U.S. and Britain,

which is,
and it pains me to admit this,

not entirely misplaced.

Real French croissant

are buttery pillows
of perfection,

whereas the American
CROISSAN'WICH

is an ungodly abomination.

Your French wines
are magnificent,

certainly superior
to British wines,

which taste like Michael Caine
urinated in some grape juice.

You in France
love nothing more

than acting like you are better
than Britain and America.

Well, now is your chance
to prove that,

because we made
populist, nativist choices

with Brexit and Trump,
and to be honest,

it's not working out
so great for us so far.

And now you have a populist,
nativist choice of your own,

and just imagine
how superior you can feel

if you don't make
the same mistake that we did.

And I really want
to convince you more,

but I know you don't like
big, gaudy gestures,

so allow me to convince you

in the elegant, restrained
manner that you prefer.

Please, please...
please join me, France,

at a cozy bistro.

[cheers and applause]

Join me at this bistro,

and let us drink wine,
listen to accordion music,

and smoke into
each other's faces.

[accordion music plays]

♪ ♪

[speaking French]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[accordion music plays]

♪ ♪

[bright tone]