03x13 - United States presidential primaries and caucuses

[bunniefuu]

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver. Thank you
so much for joining us.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week.

And we begin in Venezuela,

AKA North South America.

They have been in the throes
of an economic crisis,

and recently,
things have escalated sharply.

Atencio:
It's been 12 straight days

of violent clashes
here in Venezuela.

On one side,
students and the middle class,

on the other, police
and pro-government groups.

- 12 days of violent clashes.

That is a terrible situation

and an even worse
Christmas carol.

So--so what is wrong
with Venezuela?

Well, the short answer is
everything.

The low price of oil,

which accounts for 96%
of Venezuela's exports,

has triggered
an economic collapse,

causing massive inflation

and shortages
of food and medicine.

And their current president,
Nicolás Maduro,

is not handling it
at all well.

He recently suggested punishing
business owners

who've ceased operations

by jailing them
and seizing their factories.

- [speaking Spanish]

- An idle factory
will be

a factory handed over
to the people.

But we're going to do it.

f*ck it.
The time has come to do it.

- Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.

No good, well-thought-out
government action

has ever included the words
"f*ck it."

Lincoln did not abolish sl*very
by saying,

"f*ck it.
You're free.

"f*ck it.
What are they gonna do?

f*ck it."

And--and one of Maduro's plans

to cope with
electricity shortages

isn't much better.

woman:
President Nicolás Maduro

asked women to stop drying
their hair.

- [speaking Spanish]

- I always think
a woman looks better

when she just runs her fingers
through her hair

and lets it dry naturally.

It's just an idea I have.

[laughter]

- What?

It's just an idea you have?

Well, un-have it, then,

because that is
next-level creepy.

The only way
he just saved energy

was through
millions of Venezuelans

immediately turning off
their TVs,

saying,
"This stays off forever.

"I cannot risk hearing that man

talk about women's grooming
again."

It's, frankly, no wonder
that in a recent poll,


are in favor

of Maduro's removal from power,

which is what makes
what he did this week

especially troubling.

- I have called for
the armed forces and militia

to hold national military
exercises

to prepare us
for any scenario.

- Yes, while his citizens
are starving,

Maduro decided now would be
a great time to spend money

on the biggest military exercise
in Venezuelan history,

which is bound to inflame
tensions even more.

So it seems to me
Maduro has got two choices:

either step down
and make his people happy,

or, at the very least,
make sure those tanks

are firing loaves of bread.

It might seem stupid,
but it's just an idea I have.

So--so let's move on now--

let's move on to Canada.

Canada: What you'd get

if America and Britain
had a baby

they abandoned in the snow.

Canada's prime minister,
Justin Trudeau,

has been enjoying
a bit of a honeymoon

since assuming office
six months ago,

with most news coverage
focusing on events

like that time he held
two baby pandas,

which is, yes, pretty cute.

I mean, it's no "The Rock
holding two French bulldogs

in a swimming pool,"
but it's close.

It's--it's close.

But--but this week,
Trudeau's grace period

came to a screeching halt

as Canada was consumed
by "Elbowgate,"

a scandal concerning Trudeau

apparently "manhandling"

a Canadian MP
and elbowing another

during an altercation
in Canada's House of Commons.

So what happened, exactly?

woman:
Now watch this.

The man in the front
is the conservative whip.

He can't get by
a group of NDP MPs,

including leader Tom Mulcair.

On the left,
the prime minister

comes striding over
to intervene.

He has words with Mulcair.

At the same time,
he clearly also makes contact

with MP Ruth Ellen Brosseau.

- Okay, I mean,

I guess that's a brawl
by Canadian standards.

Although, to be honest,
in New York,

we just call that
"shopping at Trader Joe's."

But still, Trudeau absolutely
should not have done that,

and he clearly knew it,

given how quickly he took
to the floor to apologize.

- I admit, I came, uh,
in physical contact, uh,

with a--a number of members
as I extended my arm in,

including someone behind me
who I did not see.

If anyone feels that they were,
uh...

impacted, uh,
by my actions,

I completely apologize.

I--it was not my intention
to hurt anyone.

It certainly wasn't.

It is my intention
to get this vote done.

- Wow.

Stammering out an apology

that goes on to receive
a standing ovation.

That clip may as well just be

the new Canadian
national anthem.

But--but the members
of the opposition

were not ready to accept
Trudeau's apology.

- I will move that the matter
of the physical molestation

of the member
from Berthier-Maskinongé

be referred to
the Standing Committee

on Procedure and House Affairs.

- Oh, come on.
Don't use that word.

Yes, technically, there is
a definition of "molest"

that means "to bother,
interfere with, or annoy,"

but it's still the second
most unpleasant "m" word

in the English language,
after "moist."

Ugh, I just said it.

I'd wash my mouth out
with soap,

but that would make it
all moist.

Oh, no.
I said it again.

And that sort of outrage
led Trudeau to issue

a second apology
on the House floor,

followed by a third apology
at an event

celebrating the official apology
he'd made

for the 1914 Komagata Maru
incident,

at which he--
and this is true--

apologized
because his elbowing

might take away a little bit
in the news tomorrow

from the apology that he was
supposed to be celebrating.

And when he returned
to the House of Commons

the next morning,
you'll never guess what he did.

- I am, uh, apologizing

and asking, uh, for...
members to understand

how contrite and how regretful
I am with my behavior.

- Oh, for f*ck's sake!
Enough!

Enough!

There may be
no clearer difference

between the United States
and Canada

than the fact
that in the U.S.,

presidential candidates
write books called "No Apology,"

while in Canada,
Trudeau may be expected

to spend the remainder
of his term in office

apologizing for the existence
of his arm wherever he goes.

And now this.

[lively music]

- Issue one:

Two islands, 28 pages,

and one king.

Issue two:
Chinese bridges.

Issue three:
Michelle in Qatar.

Secrets away?

Civil furor.

Meet me in Singapore.

A problem of poop.

Hujambo Obama.

Wildlife woe.

Give me my money.

Bye-bye, Syria?

Speaker who?

Lifeboat for Lula?

Barack back Biden?

Message in a t*nk.

Cyber-kleptos.

I'm here to stay.

Bye-bye.

♪

[cheers and applause]

- Moving on.

Our main story this week

concerns presidential primaries
and caucuses--

the electoral foreplay
that we've been engaging in

since February,
which will culminate

in the mass
balloon ejaculations

of this summer's conventions.

Both parties nearly have
their nominee,

and it looks like
America will be choosing

between Donald Trump--

America's walking, talking
brushfire--

and, in all likelihood,
Hillary Clinton--

the woman who exhibits
either too much or too little

of every human quality,
depending on who you ask.

Which is not to say

that the Democrats'
primary process is over.

As we saw in Nevada
last weekend,

it is very much still raging.

man: This is ridiculous.

This whole process
has been screwed up.

man:
Emotions ran high

at the Democratic
State Convention in Las Vegas

after Hillary Clinton took
more delegate wins

than Bernie Sanders
Saturday.

- [screaming]

- Holy shit.

Usually when a crowd
is that angry in Vegas,

it's because
they just realized

there are no elephants
in Cirque du Soleil,

just a bunch of terrifying
nightmare perverts.

But it is not just Nevada
that has caused frustration

over how delegates are assigned.

Throughout this process,

thanks to an odd quirk
in the Democrats' system,

there have been news reports
like this...

Scarborough: We're putting up,
right now, a graphic.

Bernie Sanders wins 56% to 44%
in Wyoming.

The delegates rewarded:
Hillary Clinton 11,

Bernie Sanders 7.

Why does the Democratic Party
even have voting booths?

Brzezinski: No, why?
Scarborough: This system

is so rigged.

- Oh, please.

We have voting booths
for the same reason

that Friendly's
has restaurant booths.

So that we can have
relative privacy

while we choose
from a deeply unappetizing menu.

And--and it is not just
the Democrats.

When Donald Trump
won Louisiana,

beating Ted Cruz
by more than 3%,

he was upset to discover
that Cruz could potentially

get as many
as ten more delegates.

Or as he put it...

- I end up winning Louisiana,

and then
when everything is done,

I find out I get less delegates

than this guy
that got his ass kicked, okay?

Give me a break.

- The thing is,
I get why he's annoyed.

And there is no clearer
piece of evidence

that our system is broken,

no more thoroughly dead canary
in the coal mine,

than when Donald Trump
is actually making sense.

Because when you see
results like that,

the process does feel
counterintuitive.

So, tonight,
we thought we'd ask,

why do the parties operate
this way?

Because for many years,
they didn't.

Until 50 years ago, most states
didn't even have primaries,

and candidates were chosen
by party insiders

at the convention.

But in 1968,
that system broke down

when the Democratic Party
leadership picked

Hubert Humphrey,
despite the fact he hadn't

even competed in a primary.

Democrats were pissed off,

and the convention was chaos.

man: Got a lot of pushing.

The man being pushed--

watch it,
they're gonna knock that over.

The man is a delegate.

They're asking for silence.

There's a priest in here,
dozens of reporters,

and the man
who got involved in it all

is very calmly
smoking a cigarette.

- Oh, oh.

He's not just smoking
any cigarette;

he's smoking a Chesterfield.

Chesterfield: Once you've turned

democracy into a riot,

you deserve a Chesterfield.

[inhales] Mm.

[cheers and applause]

Now, in the years
that followed that mess,

both parties reformed
their processes

to give their
rank-and-file members

more of a say.

But many of the details
were left up to state leaders,

which might help explain
why we have

such an erratic clusterfuck
every four years.

Almost every part of this
process is difficult to defend.

For instance, while
most states hold primaries,

in all of these states,

one or both parties
hold caucuses,

which, as I'm sure you know,

is a process whereby
you typically have to turn up

to a certain place
at a certain time,

like a school gymnasium
at 7:00 p.m.,

attend a party meeting
that can take hours,

and then vote,

which can be prohibitive,
because if you work at night

or you can't get a babysitter

or you don't have
transportation,

you can be frozen out.

And that is probably why,

while Republican primary turnout
in 2012 was 19%,

their turnout for caucuses
averaged just 3%,

which is terrible.

If you have 3% turnout
at an orgy,

it's basically
just you masturbating

next to a table
full of uneaten snacks.

[cheers and applause]

So, generally--
generally, you are lucky

if you live in a state
that has a primary,

unless you're a Democrat
in Washington state,

where things get
a little more complicated.

man: In Washington state,
we have both caucuses...

- Can anybody else speak up
on their candidate?

man:
And presidential primaries,

where you actually
cast a ballot in private.

But Democrats have never liked
the primary,

and they've ignored it
from day one.

- It's true.

The Democrats'
presidential primary

in Washington doesn't count.

They have one,
and it's this Tuesday,

but all the pledged delegates
were decided

at their caucus months ago.

So you know your awful friend
who says he doesn't vote

'cause he doesn't feel
like his vote counts?

If he's a Washington Democrat

participating in the primary,
he's right.

He's still awful,
but he is right.

And then there's the problem

of how the delegates
get divided up, which is key,

because remember, you're not
directly voting for a candidate.

You're voting to help determine
the delegates

who'll attend the
national party convention

and vote for a candidate
on your behalf.

And some states have
even more steps in between.

Just look at what led up

to last weekend's events
in Nevada.

They had a caucus
back in February,

which Hillary Clinton won.

But that caucus only determined


regular delegates.

As for the remaining 12,

those were decided by delegates
at the state convention,

who were chosen
by the delegates

at county conventions
in April,

who were chosen
in those February caucuses,

which, remember, Hillary won.

Now, unfortunately for her,
at those county conventions,

more Bernie supporters
showed up,

so they had an advantage
going into the state convention.

Although, by that time,

Hillary supporters had realized
what was happening

and have managed
to mobilize their turnout,

putting numbers in that room
basically even,

at which point,
both sides began fighting

to disqualify one another's
delegates over technicalities

such as failing to register
as Democrats by May the 1st,

a deadline set
after it had already passed,

at the convention,
by the credentials committee.

And at this point,
whoever you support,

you probably feel like this.

- [screaming]

- Exactly.

I just don't know
if there's a better summation

of this entire primary process
so far

than that sound.

Now, for the record,

PolitiFact looked into the
charges of rigging in Nevada

and found no clear evidence

the state party h*jacked
the process.

And you can disagree with that,

as I'm sure
Bernie supporters will

in the comments section
below this video,

alongside hurtful remarks

about my personal appearance,

like, "Oh, look,
it's British Milhouse,"

or, "He looks like someone
who says,

"'My parents
are my best friends,'

but who's also an orphan."

Or, "Did someone just
Benjamin-Button

Henry Kissinger?"

All of which statements

PolitiFact also rates as true.

But--but the larger point

PolitiFact made
regarding Nevada

that I think
everyone can agree with is:

And that, in itself,
is a huge problem.

Any competition should have
clear rules.

You don't get to the end
of a football game and say,

"Okay, who found the most eggs?"

"Wait, what?

"That's what we were
supposed to be doing?

"Why didn't someone tell me that
at the start?

I only have five eggs."

And--and, look, this patchwork
of convoluted systems

would be annoying enough,

but each party also has
its own way

of potentially putting
its thumb on the scale.

For Democrats,
it's superdelegates.

Couric: About 15%
of the total delegates

to this summer's
Democratic Convention

are unpledged.

These are elected officials,
former presidents,

and assorted party bigwigs
called superdelegates.

They can vote for whichever
candidate they want,

regardless of who won
in their state or district.

- Okay, so the delegates
are "super"

in the way the kids on
"My Super Sweet 16" are super.

They are party-obsessed,
widely resented,

and untethered
from all responsibility.

Now, the theory behind
superdelegates was

that the party leaders
could step in

if they didn't like the way
things were heading.

Which is what makes it
so weird

that, whenever
Debbie Wasserman Schultz,

the chair of the DNC,
is asked about them,

she insists that superdelegates
would never do that.

- Look,
we have party activists,

elected officials,
and other leaders

that are a part of our process

but who have never determined
the outcome of our nominee.

- Yeah, but if they're not going
to make a difference,

then why take the risk
of having them at all?

You're basically keeping
rat poison in a jar

next to the sugar, saying,

"Hey, it hasn't
been a problem yet!"

That might technically
be true,

but is this really the best
system you can think of?

Meanwhile,
Republicans have their own way

of diluting the power
of primary votes.

In many states,
delegates are only required

to reflect their state's choice

in the first round
of convention voting.

After that,
they become "unbound delegates"

and can vote
for whomever they want.

And Pennsylvania takes this
even further.

Out of their 71 delegates,



even on the first ballot.

And while these delegates
are elected by voters,

those voters may not know

what they're
actually voting for.

man: If you're a GOP voter,

you may well know which
candidate you are choosing

when you step
into the voting booth.

But when it comes to choosing
delegates

to the presidential convention,

there's no way for you to know

which ones support
which candidates,

because it's simply not listed.

- Like, you vote,
but who are you voting for?

You have no idea.

- That makes no f*cking sense.

Listen,
if "Dancing with the Stars"

had a system where,
instead of voting directly

for Paige VanZant
or Ginger Zee,

you had to vote
for Doug or Karen

to vote on your behalf,

neither of whom will tell you
which dancer they prefer,

there would be riots
in the streets.

And it gets one step crazier,
because this year,

North Dakota Republicans
just said, "f*ck it,"

and had neither a caucus
nor a primary.

The party just chose


And--and in explaining why
primaries aren't that important,

one of those delegates

kind of
gave the whole game away.

- In previous years,
we've used primaries

to probably get us
some kind of an indication

of the preference
of the popular election,

but the delegates
at the convention

choose the nominee,
not the voters in the primaries.

- So, basically,

he's treating
the more than 27 million people

who've voted so far
in the Republican primaries

like a parent treats a kid
with a toy lawnmower.

"Oh, great job, Billy!
You did it all on your own!

Now, step aside.
Daddy's coming through."

And, look,
to be fair to both parties,

they're basically private clubs.

They can set their own rules.

In theory,
they could give the nomination

to whichever candidate
comes first alphabetically,

or whichever one can
squeeze a frog the hardest

without crushing it.

But if you play by a system
of complex, opaque rules

that almost nobody understands

and that you could use
to your advantage,

even if you don't,

you are going to alienate
voters.

This is a system which clearly
needs wholesale reform.

The problem is, once the system
produces a winner,

the conversation tends
to just move on.

And if you need
any more proof of that,

just listen to Trump
earlier this month.

- You've been hearing me say
it's a rigged system,

but now I don't say it anymore
because I won.

Okay?
It's true.

You know, now I don't care.

I don't care.

- Okay.
It's clear.

Nobody wants to change
the weird rules if they win.

You think the producers
of "The Martian"

are complaining about the rules

by which the Golden Globes
actually gave them

Best Motion Picture,
Comedy or Musical?

No, of course not.

They're just busy writing
another movie

as side-splittingly hilarious

as Matt Damon potato-farming
in space for two hours.

It would clearly behoove
both parties

to take a long, hard look
at this,

because they actually got lucky
this time.

Whether you like
these two candidates or not,

it does seem the party nominees
will coincidentally

be the people
with the most votes.

Trump currently has a lead
of nearly 4 million

over his closest competitor,

and Hillary leads Sanders
by over 3 million.

And Sanders supporters
might argue

that doesn't include
all caucus votes.

But when the "Washington Post"
estimated the rest,

they found that she would
still lead

by 2.9 million votes.

And even if you multiply all
those estimated caucus votes

by seven, to account
for lower turnout,

even if you give Bernie
a bonus of 10,000 extra votes

in every state
that's voted so far,

and even if you tack on
an extra 100,000 votes

just for shits and giggles,

she's still comfortably ahead.

And I know, Bernie supporters--

I can hear you typing right now
that--

I can hear you typing
that I look like an angry toucan

funded by Shillary,

but that doesn't make that
any less true.

But the problem is,
there is no--

there's no guarantee that
the candidate

with the most votes
will win next time.

And if they don't,
all the flaws we just documented

will be exposed yet again,
'cause unfortunately,

we only get angry
about the primary process

during the primary process,
when it's impacting

the candidate
that we care about.

But the middle of the game

is the worst possible time
to change the rules.

So if everyone is as angry
as they say they are right now,

let's, together, pick a date
early next year

to actually write an email
to the chair of each party

and remind them,
politely, to fix this.

I propose February 2nd.

Now, that will be easy
to remember,

because it's Groundhog Day,

which does seem appropriate,

because unless
this primary process is fixed,

we are all destined

to live through
the same nightmare scenario

over and over again
until the end of f*cking time.

[cheers and applause]

And now this.

male announcer: Meat Loaf.

Westminster Dog Show winner
Foxcliffe Hickory Wind.

Hello Kitty.

Darth Vader.

Miss Piggy.

Rafiki from "The Lion King."

Two Minions.

Three Smurfs.

And convicted sex offender
Jared Fogle.

- Now, finally,
before we go this week,

a quick word
regarding Chechnya,

the place that,
when it shows up in text

at the beginning
of an action movie scene,

promises you
some shit is about to go down.

Their leader
is Ramzan Kadyrov,

pictured here in a T-shirt
that says "2 psycho" on it,

which is actually
completely appropriate

for reasons
that you will soon understand.

Kadyrov is
internationally recognized

as a brutal
and corrupt strongman,

but this week,

he was in the news
for a different reason.

- [speaking native language]

- Ramzan Kadyrov lost this cat.

The leader of Chechnya addressed
his Instagram followers

and asked them to help him
search for the Bengal,

which is the breed of the pet.

So if you are living
in the republic

and saw a similar animal
a couple of days ago,

now is the time to contact
the head of your region.

- Yes,

the entire Chechen Republic
was put on notice this week

because its leader
couldn't find his cat.

I'm presuming he's searched

the most common locations
for cats,

such as lying in a sunbeam

or staring right at you
with m*rder in its eyes.

But--but Kadyrov's family
didn't just lose their cat.

As he put it on Instagram...

So they haven't just lost

a couple of paws and a tail.

They lost the whole thing.

And Kadyrov being upset

about his lost cat is not good.

This is a man
whose security forces

have been accused

of kidnappings and t*rture

and whose Wikipedia page
has an entire section

dedicated to "accusations
of human rights abuses."

And the mere existence of that
is pretty damning.

It's like having a subsection
for "1997 Forklift DUI"

or "Aftermath of Howard
University Commencement Speech."

You don't even need to know
the details

to know that
it cannot be good.

But to get a real sense
of Kadyrov,

all you need to do is
check his Instagram page,

'cause it's not
just where he announced

that he'd lost his cat.

It's also where he keeps

his 1.8 million followers
updated

with videos
of his workout routine

set to the finest
European rave music.

[thumping European rave music]

♪

[American accent]
Cool.

Cool.
He's...

[normal voice]
Kadyrov's basically like

a can of Monster Energy drink

come to life.

And honestly, I cannot recommend
his Instagram feed enough.

It almost makes you forget
that he was once accused of

beating a prisoner
with a shovel handle

before executing him--

almost, but not quite.

Because the main thing

his Instagram demonstrates

is how much he loves
Vladimir Putin,

which--look at him.

Look how much--
look how happy he is there.

I've never been that happy.

And look.
It's hardly surprising.

Putin appointed Kadyrov
to the Chechen presidency

in 2007, and in return,

it seems Kadyrov is
absolutely obsessed with him.

Just look at him wearing
this T-shirt

with Putin's face on it.

And then look at him
in this other Putin T-shirt

and then
this other Putin T-shirt

and then in this Putin hoodie.

All of these
are on his Instagram,

and we're not
even nearly done yet,

because here he is
in another Putin T-shirt,

standing next to his friend
in yet another Putin T-shirt,

and here is another one,
where everyone in the photo

is wearing a Putin T-shirt,
and by the way,

you--you just know that
Kadyrov is looking over

at his friend's
sick green Putin T-shirt

and thinking,
"I am so borrowing that,"

and you'd be right,
because here he is,

wearing that exact same
T-shirt.

It seems--it seems
from his Instagram,

the only thing that Kadyrov
apparently loves more

than Putin or Putin T-shirts
is animals,

because you can also see
spectacular images

of him holding a lion
like a baby,

snoozing with a tiger,

having fun with a horse,

nuzzling a different horse,

cradling baby chicks,

and holding
whatever the f*ck this is.

Say what you will
about Kadyrov--

and Human Rights Watch
certainly has--

but the man knows
what he wants.

And what he wants right now
is the return

of this evolutionary farce
of a house pet.

And look, this is a problem
for all of us,

because when Kadyrov
can't find something,

he goes a little nuts.

- Over the weekend,
Kadyrov misplaced his phone

at a big wedding
held at a museum.

According to Russian
human rights group Memorial,

the Chechen leader
had more than 1,000 guests,

including children,

called back to be questioned
about his phone.

- I would imagine
each of those interrogations

began with the guest
asking Kadyrov...

[in Russian accent]
"Have you tried calling phone?

"Oh, no, no, you're right.

"You're right.
You're right.

Calling back thousand guests
is better way."

But--but just think,
if he is willing to do that

for a cell phone,
just imagine what he is willing

to put the Chechen people
through for a cat.

So my point is this:

We need to find
this man's f*cking cat,

and we need to do it
yesterday.

And that is why tonight, we are
launching a campaign to:

It's very simple.

If you have seen his cat,

simply contact him
on Twitter or Instagram

and send him a message
reading simply,

"I have seen your cat."

If--if you have not
seen his cat,

then contact him
with a message reading,

"I have not seen your cat."

And if you've seen something
that looks like his cat

but you're not sure,
take a photo and send it to him

with the message,
"Is this your cat?"

Those are
the only three things

I'm asking you to send him,

but we need to do it,

because for the good
of the Chechen people

and stability
in the whole region,

we have to find
this fucker's cat.

That's our show.

We are off next week,

but thanks so much for watching.

Good night!

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

[bright tone]