03x12 - 9-1-1

[bunniefuu]

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome

to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much
for joining us.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week.

And we begin
with Donald Trump:

Rome burning in man form.

On Thursday, he went to the RNC
headquarters in Washington

to meet with Paul Ryan
and the Republican establishment

to try and mend fences.

Now, Ryan had famously declined
to endorse Trump,

but after the meeting,

he struck
a more conciliatory tone.

- I was very encouraged with

what I heard
from Donald Trump today.

I do believe that we are now
planting the seeds

to get ourselves unified

to bridge the gaps
and differences.

I was very encouraged
with this meeting.

His personality,
I thought was--

I thought he has a very good
personality.

He's a very warm and gen--
warm and genuine person.

- Okay, stop.

Because I understand
the "genuine" part

in the same way that
Miller Genuine Draft is genuine.

You know, it is the shitty thing
that it is.

But the only way Trump
could be described as "warm"

is if you're feeling
leftover tanning bed heat

radiating from his skin.

And why is Paul Ryan
being so coy about this?

We all know where this is going.

Trump needs the GOP's money

because he's decided
he's not self-funding

his general election campaign,

and the Republicans need
to not alienate Trump's voters.

So Trump
and the Republican establishment

are like a teenage
Christian couple

who've made
an abstinence pledge.

They are going to have sex.

It is just a matter of time.

But they still need to make
a big show of resisting it

for anyone who might be
paying attention.

However, the rest of the week
was a little bumpier for Trump.

On Friday morning,
he attempted to justify

not releasing
his tax returns,

and it did not go great.

Trump: There have been
many presidents

that have not shown
their tax returns.

- Actually, every single nominee
since 1976

has released
their tax returns.

Trump: Right, but before 1976,
most people didn't do it.

- Yeah, sure.

But there were a lot of things
we did before 1976

that seem crazy now,

like smoking on airplanes

and thinking Elliott Gould
was a major sex symbol.

The point is
times have changed.

But--but perhaps the weirdest
thing involving Trump this week

was the release of tapes
suggesting that, in the '90s,

he had, for some reason,
invented a publicist for himself

named John Miller

and pretended to be him
on the phone.

- That--that is so perfectly
Donald Trump.

Even his imaginary alter ego

reflexively brags about himself.

Now, on that tape,

you hear "John Miller" saying

many incredible things
about Trump,

including claiming
that Madonna wanted to date him.

- Now...

Now, much like his candidacy,

that claim is sad,
but not implausible.

Remember, there were rumors
that, in the '90s,

Madonna got together
with Vanilla Ice,

Jose Canseco,

and Willem Dafoe.

And what is Donald Trump,

if not a mixture of the
authenticity of Vanilla Ice,

the likability of Jose Canseco,

and the terrifying
facial expressions

of Willem Dafoe?

But this shouldn't even
have been news this week.

It shouldn't have been news.

Back when this happened,

Trump confessed
to the whole thing.

man: Soon after the interview,
Trump admitted

that he was John Miller

and called it a joke gone awry.

- Okay, so there's no story here
then, is there?

All present-day Trump
needed to do

was quickly reconfirm
that it was him.

- I guess the simple question
this morning:

are you aware of the tape?

Is it you?

Trump: No, I don't think it--

I don't know anything about it.

You're telling me about it
for the first time,

and it doesn't sound
like my voice at all.

- Yes, it does!

It's clearly you!

Look, there is only one way
to settle this.

Tonight I would like to extend
an invitation

to John Miller, publicist,
to appear on this program.

Now, to be clear,
to be clear,

this is not an invitation
to Donald Trump,

who has never
and will never be invited here

for an interview.

But if John Miller wants
to come sit down with us,

we would love to have him.

We've even set up
our interview area

for you where--
with all the things

that we presume
John Miller enjoys:

overcooked steaks,

low-grade
pornographic magazines,

and a hand mirror.

It's an open invitation,

so please, come on by,
John Miller!

There's literally nothing
stopping you

other than the fact
you obviously don't exist.

So--so let's move on for now
to Queen Elizabeth II,

the only becrowned woman

who acts more entitled

than a bride
at her bachelorette party.

"This is my day!

It's my day before
my other day!"

Now, normally--

normally when the queen
makes headlines,

it's because
she's just gotten older.

You know, her most meaningful
power as monarch

is basically to stand there

and experience
the passage of time.

But this week
at a garden party,

she made news
with an overheard complaint.

- The queen has been caught
on camera

criticizing a recent
Chinese delegation to the U.K.

Her majesty was introduced
to a police commander

who described difficulties
during the state visit

of the Chinese president.

- Ooh, they were
rude to the ambassador?

I will say it's actually
kind of refreshing

to hear a 90-year-old woman
air a grievance

with specific
Chinese individuals

rather than expressing
a vague distrust

for Chinese people in general.

But this story became
a surprisingly big deal,

with experts even delving
into the physics

of how the queen
had been overheard.

- The thing with the royals is,

sometimes you hear them,
sometimes you don't.

There seems to have been a
sort of perfect storm yesterday.

The queen was
under a plastic umbrella,

which acted to amplify
her words.

- Oh, yes, of course,

the classic problem of
unintended sound amplification.

We haven't heard this much
from the queen

since she had surgery
and had to wear

one of those big plastic cones
around her neck.

But other people--

other people
were more interested

in examining
why the queen was so upset.

man: In the queen's defense,
she is only saying

and the police officer
is saying

what was widely reported
at the time,

which was Chinese officials
and Chinese security

at the Chinese Embassy

were pretty high-handed
in the way they were treating

British police, British
diplomats and officials,

acting, in the words
of one observer,

"As if they owned the place."

- Oh, that is a little rich

coming from an English person,

'cause for about 300 years,

that was Britain's
entire military policy.

"How should we engage
the enemy, sir?"

"Well, I suppose
we'll just march in

and act like
we own the place."

[mimics puffing on pipe]

And finally this week:
Budweiser,

America's favorite
liquid yeast infection.

This week, they decided
to make a branding change,

and surprisingly,
it wasn't making their product

taste less like Minion jizz.

It was something
far less expected.

- This summer, Budweiser
is renaming its beer "America,"

that will include
some new labels and images

associated with the U.S.

- It's true.

For six months,

Budweiser will be called
"America."

So now people can finally say,

"Sorry, I just vomited America

all over the men's room
of a Ruby Tuesday's."

It is clearly
a little self-serving

for Budweiser to wrap the
American flag around their cans

of "what's left
in the dishwasher

after you accidentally
wash beans,"

especially when you consider
this one tiny detail...

woman: Budweiser, by the way,
is brewed in St. Louis,

but it is owned
by a company in Belgium.

- Yes, Budweiser's parent
company is based in Belgium.

Though Belgium does have
one thing in common

with Budweiser:
historically speaking,

Germans refuse to acknowledge
that it's even there.

But nevertheless,
one proud American has already

stepped forward to claim credit
for the change,

and you will almost certainly
guess who.

- Donald Trump, do you think
you had something to do

with Budweiser changing
the name of their beer

for this summer from Budweiser
to America?

- Did they owe you money?
Trump: I think so.

They're so impressed with what
our country will become

that they decided to do this
before the fact.

- They got to get
a taste of that.

- You know what?

That actually makes sense,

because Budweiser beer
is a lot like Trump.

They're both known for their
terrible taste and frothy heads,

they're both the color
of burnt urine,

and every once in a while,

they both seem
to change their name

for no f*cking reason
whatsoever.

And now this.

male announcer:
Elected officials,

whether at the local, state,
or federal level,

these are the men and women

who diligently make us
look like f*cking idiots

for electing them.

Let's meet one
in our ongoing series,

"People Who Somehow
Got Elected."

This week's person who somehow
got elected,

Paul LePage,
governor of Maine,

the state that has been
overseeing

a nonstop lobster genocide
since 1820.

Since coming to power
five years ago,

brash Tea Party vet
conservative Paul LePage

has been busy, mostly fighting
with the state's legislature,

to which he's issued
a record number of vetoes:

over 400 and counting.

But he's probably best known
for the unusual things he says,

like these remarks
about drug dealers

many took to be r*cist.

- These are guys of the name
D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty...

these type of guys that come
from Connecticut and New York.

male announcer: Okay, first,
no self-respecting drug dealer

has ever called himself
"Smoothie,"

and second, we haven't even
gotten to the r*cist part yet.

- Incidentally, half the time,

they impregnate a young,
white girl before they leave.

announcer: There it is.

And LePage later offered
a recommendation

for how Maine's g*n owners
could combat the drug trade.

- Everybody in Maine,
we have constitutional carry.

Load up and get rid
of the drug dealers.

announcer:
Encouraging vigilantes

to mow down criminals isn't a
sound law enforcement strategy.

It's the exact plot of
the movie "Death Wish III."

[machine g*n firing]

- Yeah!

[triumphant music]

announcer: But for people
who live in Maine,

statements like these
from their governor

are not surprising.

You see, while most humans
possess a thin barrier

that stops thoughts

from immediately
exiting their brain as words,

Paul LePage does not.

- [yelling]

announcer: Like when he sent
a message to the NAACP.

- Tell 'em to kiss my butt.

announcer:
Or complained

about immigrant workers
in his state.

- Do you ever try to say,
"What's the special today?"

from somebody from Bulgaria?

And the worst one's
if they're from India.

announcer:
Or described the diseases

he thinks refugees would bring
to Maine.

- What happens is
you get Hepatitis C,

tuberculosis, AIDS, HIV,

uh...the "ziki fly."

announcer:
And here, LePage is wrong,

because "ziki fly" populations

have actually decreased
dramatically

in Maine in recent years,

owing primarily to the fact

that "ziki flies"
are not a real thing

and do not exist.

But LePage saves
his finest remarks

for his political opponents,

like when he criticized
a state lawmaker

in the most graphic
possible terms.

announcer: That's right.

He just implied former
State Senator Troy Jackson

was subjecting mayors
to an un-lubricated f*cking.

But hold on.
Oh, shit.

He's coming back
to say something else.

- Listen.

announcer: As a result
of his mouth forming words,

Paul LePage is in a near
constant state of apology.

woman:
Governor LePage is apologizing.

- The governor apologized.

- Governor Paul LePage met
with Jewish community leaders

this morning to apologize again.

I apologize
to all the Maine women.

- Governor LePage apologizing

to the son of a "Bangor Daily
News" political cartoonist.

LePage sent Nick Danby
a handwritten letter

apologizing for joking that he
wanted to sh**t Danby's father.

announcer: That is
a weird letter to receive.

And yet, Paul LePage insists
there's a rational explanation

for everything he's said
in his career.

- I'm sorry I am not
like you guys.

I am not polished speaker,

but I have a heart.

You can take the kid
off the street,

but you can't take the street
out of the kid.

I may not be very articulate

because I came
from the people's streets.

[toy squeaking]

announcer: Squeezing a toy pig

doesn't prove
you're from the streets.

It proves you're a
three-year-old boy named Toby.

But Paul LePage
does have a point.

He's not one of those
politicians

who will think one thing
and say another.

He'll always tell you
exactly what's on his mind,

no matter how horrifying it is.

And that is why Paul LePage
is, incredibly,

a person who somehow
got elected.

[cheers and applause]

- Moving on.

Moving on.

Our main story tonight
concerns 911.

You know, the thing you call
right after WebMD tells you

you're not gonna be able
to get it out on your own.



we do everything
to make kids remember it,

from classroom posters
to toy phones

to folksy PSAs
produced by local firehouses.

- Hi, Mrs. Clark.
Welcome to station four.

So who knows when to call 911?

You should call 911
if a person is badly hurt

or in danger right now.

If you're not sure
whether it's a real emergency

and there are
no adults around,

it's a good idea
to make the call.

- Now, that's true,
but sometimes you should call

even if adults are around.

For instance, if someone's dying
and the only adult

is Matthew McConaughey,

maybe don't leave
the decision to him.

"Oh, you bleedin' out there,
hoss?

"All right, tell you what to do,
let's get some bongo drums

"and a bit of herbal love
and tell that open wound

to come together, hombre."

[inhales loudly]

"We got it done."

We make roughly 240 million


and the dispatchers
do amazing work:

talking people through
childbirth, CPR,

abductions,
and home break-ins.

In fact, we're so accustomed
to relying on them,

we even call when we don't have
an emergency.

- You're welcome.

announcer: That's a little boy
named Richie.

- Now, okay--now, I know--
I know that sounds adorable,

but that kid may have caused
such a mess in that bathroom,

he had to call 911.

"Uh, yeah, this is Richie.

"You guys have some sort of
emergency clean-up crew

"you can send out?

'Cause I am done going potty."

We have a lot of faith in 911,

but the system can break down
more than you think.

And when it does,
people can die as a result.

male reporter: Shanell Anderson
was delivering newspapers

in the dark
in suburban Atlanta

when she careened
into this pond.

She knew right where she was.

reporter: But 911 dispatchers
can't find her on their map.

It took first responders nearly


- She died

because a system we expect
to save our lives failed her.

And 911 losing valuable time

simply because dispatchers
have trouble

determining your location
is not unusual.

The FCC estimates improving
location accuracy

could save over 10,000 lives
a year,

which seems
like a worthwhile goal.

People making emergency calls
are on the very short list

of things we expect to be found


It's that, the clitoris,
and Nemo.

He's not a bad fish.
He's not a bad fish.

He's just curious, and he's
capable of more than you think!

And the obstacles for


Depending on where you live,
they may also be under-funded,

under-staffed,
and full of outdated technology,

which is fine if you're
describing a RadioShack,

but it's a little scary
when you're describing

a place that handles
life-and-death situations.

So tonight, let's focus on how
on Earth we got to this point.

Now, the location problems
have a lot to do

with the fact that 70% to 80%
of all 911 calls

now come from cell phones.

And that's become a problem.

When everyone used landlines,

they could simply match the call
to your billing address

and know exactly where you were.

But now you could be anywhere.

Unless, of course,
you have AT&T,

because then you can
only get reception

standing on a chair right
by your living room window,

as long as it's not cloudy.

And while 911 centers do get
some location info

from wireless carriers,
it varies wildly.

Sometimes, they might only get
the cell tower

your call was routed through.

And that's why,
around the country,

your chance of them quickly
getting your exact whereabouts

ranges from as low
as 10% to as high as 95%.

Just watch one reporter

put a dispatch center
in Virginia to the test.

woman: 911.
What's your emergency?

- Hi, this is Jeff Rossen
with NBC News.

Just want to know
if you can tell me

where our location is
on your computer.

- That's not here.
- Absolutely not.

That's about a quarter mile
away.

- And we're standing
in the actual 911 center.

That's it right down there.

- Oh, that is not good.

You never want to be
in a situation

where you have to tell someone,

"I'm actually inside you
right now."

And if you're thinking--

if you're thinking,
"Well, hold on.

"Wait a minute.

I can find my location
on my cell phone,"

well, you're not alone.

Dispatchers wonder
the same thing.

- I can check in on Facebook

and it'll tell you exactly
what building I'm in.

I can be at the hockey game
and it tells me

I'm at First Niagara Center
checking in on Facebook,

but when you call 911,
we don't get

that accurate
location information.

So the technology is out there.

It's just not getting to us
at this point.

- That's a good point
'cause even the Domino's app

can tell where you are,
and they've barely mastered

the technology
to make a palatable pizza.

So we asked everyone from
the FCC to public safety groups

to industry trade groups
about why it seems

Ubers can find you
better than ambulances can.

And there doesn't seem to be
a simple, satisfying answer.

Broadly, what we were told was
services like Uber aren't always


particularly in rural areas.

Plus, emergency workers
would like technology

that can tell them what floor
of a building you're on,

and no one seems to know
how to do that yet.

And while the wireless industry
does claim to be working

toward incorporating
some of what Uber uses

into 911 location services,
it seems there is no guarantee

when that'll be ready
for widespread use.

What we do know
is that the FCC has mandated

they improve accuracy
so that by 2021,

carriers deliver
a usable location for callers


which sounds impressive

until you put it like this:

male reporter:
Six years from now,


unable to find

one out of every five
emergency callers.

- That's not good enough!

The sentence, "In six years,
I might not be able to find

one out of five of you"
is only acceptable

if you're speaking to
the members of One Direction.

And I'm sorry, Niall,

but one of you has to be
the J.C. Chasez.

And look, fixing the location
problem won't fix everything.


there are currently



because each county
or municipality in an area

might have its own one.

Plus there is no guarantee
that any two dispatch centers

use the same technology

or have a system
to work together.

And none of this is helped
by the fact that in six states,

there is no specific
statewide entity

in charge of coordinating


And while Georgia law does
require an actual committee

to help develop plans for 911,

it's not exactly a robust body.

- This is it:

Georgia's permanent


You'll notice
all 15 seats are empty.

There's no one at the mic

and there's nothing
on the agenda.

This committee hasn't met
for years

because there isn't
a single member

currently appointed.

- How the f*ck is that possible?

We even asked,
and a spokesperson claimed

that that committee does
actually have members,

but couldn't confirm it's active

and didn't answer when we asked
for those members' names.

And come on!

You could at least make up
a name like,

I don't know,
John Miller,

right off the top of your head.

It's clearly not hard.

And there is a lot

that that committee
could be doing.

For instance, for over a decade,

the federal government has been
talking about something

called Next Generation 911,

basically upgrading
dispatch centers

to an IP-based network,

and enabling them
to do things

like accept videos
and text messages.

And that could be life-saving

in situations where you can't
make a phone call,

like domestic v*olence
or a home invasion

or having a heart attack
in a library.

I mean, sure, get some help,

but have some respect
for the other patrons.

But as of right now,

no state has fully implemented
Next Gen 911,

which makes no sense.

This would make everything
so much easier

for the dispatchers,
whose jobs are, frankly,

hard enough already.

- Some days, depending
upon the outcome,

it's good.

Other days, not.

Sometimes you really don't know
the outcome,

and you go home at night
and you wonder,

is there something
I could've done

that would've prevented
maybe this person from dying,

or this person
from getting hurt?

And then there are other times
when you might save a life,

that you go home and you,
you know,

you pat yourself on the back.

You're driving home
and you cut the music up

and you're saying to yourself,

"Wow, I did something
really good."

- Okay, I mean,
that is a wider extreme

than most of us experience
in our daily jobs.

For me, the difference between
a good day and a bad day is

whether there's hazelnut creamer
in the break room

or whether Janice
from accounting

drank it all again.

God damn it, Janice!

That's not even milk!

That's disgusting!

And that level of stress,

combined with funding shortages,

has caused dispatch centers
to be understaffed.

In fact, right now,
go to Google,

put in
"understaffed 911 dispatch"

and your town,
and see what comes up.

Because in many places,
it will be headlines like these.

It seems 911 staffing problems
are one of those things

a ridiculous number
of cities have,

like a Chinatown
or a statue of someone r*cist.

And if your local dispatch
center is understaffed,

then when you call,
the first voice you hear

may be this...

woman: You have reached
the Cincinnati 911 Center.

Your call will be answered
as soon as possible.

man: You have reached 911
emergency dispatch.

Do not hang up.

If in danger, lay down
the phone and go to safety.

- Oh, oh!
Go to safety.

Why didn't I think of that?

Here I am in danger,

when really, I could simply
be going to safety!

I shouldn't have wasted
your time

by calling in the first place.

And some of that call volume
is on us.

The ubiquity of cell phones
means if 50 people see a fire,



and that's on top of an even
bigger strain on the system.

male reporter: Approximately


nationwide, are butt-dials.

female reporter: One person
even butt dialed 911 136 times.

- When you receive a call
and it's from--

as we call, "the butt dial,"

there's really not
a whole lot you can do.

- When I tell them
that I butt dialed them,

they always sound
kind of aggravated.

I mean, it's kind of a waste
of their time, you know?

It's like, "Okay, make sure
you don't call again."

- Okay.

Honestly, I'm willing to bet

that guy hears the same response
from just about anyone

he dials by accident
or on purpose.

So, look.

We have an antiquated,
disjointed system,

populated by workers
who are, understandably,

sick of listening
to people's butts.

And what makes this
even more frustrating

is that almost
everyone's phone bill

has a line like this on it,
which you might assume

goes directly
to fund 911 centers.

But the FCC's fee reports
show that, since 2008,

at least 20 states have diverted
those dollars elsewhere.

Which is probably why,
depending on where you live,



to quote Duran Duran.

I mean, I know
it's a Public Enemy song,

but did you know
that Duran Duran covered it?

both: ♪ 911 is a joke

♪ 911 is a joke

[rock music]

♪ 911 is a joke

- You're welcome.

Because you haven't heard
that disaffected anthem properly

until you've heard it performed
by a white man named Simon

from Hertfordshire.

The point is,
we are routinely raiding 911

to pay for other things.

New York state,

which has seen multiple
breakdowns in its 911 systems,

took in over $185 million
in fees in 2014,

but then diverted $77 million

into the state's general fund,

where it could be spent
on pretty much anything.

And yet, when the governor
was asked about this,

he blew it off.

- Is that something
in the budget process

that you'll take a look at?

Is it right for us
to divert this money?

- It is not an issue
that has come up,

uh, and I haven't heard
any local legislator raise it,

but if it comes up,
we'll look into it.

- Okay, A,
it just f*cking came up.

B, legislators have
raised the issue repeatedly

since you've been in office.

And C, not diverting money
away from 911

is one of those things

you shouldn't have to be told
not to do,

like siphoning gas
out of a fire truck

to put in your dirt bike.

"Oh, look, no one's told me
this is wrong,

"so, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna spin some donuts
in that Arby's parking lot."

But this blasé attitude
is indicative of the fact

that until we're
explicitly confronted

with the challenges facing 911,

it seems we're not
going to do anything about them.

And maybe the problem is that
we are taught from a young age

to take 911 for granted,

so perhaps it's time
for that to change.

[happy whistling and music]

♪

- So, you should call 911

if a person is badly hurt
or in danger.

Any questions?
Yeah.

- So if I call 911,
you'll come and help me?

- Well, I'm sure gonna try,
sweetie.

But I got to be honest.

If you're calling
from a cell phone

and you don't know your address,

a lot of the time,
we're gonna struggle

to find out
exactly where you are.

- That's scary.

- Well, don't you worry.

By the year 2021,
we will find you every time...

four out of five times.

- Wait. How can you not know
how to find me?

I can order pizza from my phone
right now

and they know
exactly where I am.

- It's not the same thing.

- I just did it.
There's a pizza on its way.

- You know what,
I'm gonna get a dispatcher

to come explain this to you.

- Hey, kids.

Firefighter Bill said
you had some questions

about why we're not able
to find you all the time.

- Yeah.
Why is that?

- Well, we just don't have
the technology to--

- Pizza's here.
- Shit.

Get out.

- On the bright side,
some places have

pretty good statewide systems,

like Maine.

- Hey, my grandma lives
in Maine.

- Well, then she should be fine.

- My grandma lives in Georgia.

- Ooh, she is f*cked.

- [laughing]
Totally f*cked.

- Why don't you guys
just try harder?

- Excuse me?

- Oh, shit.
- You think I don't try hard?

I just worked a 12-hour shift.

I helped deliver three babies,

I saved a family from a fire,

I pulled a lizard
out of a printer,

and I listened
to 15 different butts.

[all laughing]

Oh, yeah, well, we'll see
how hard you're laughing

when I'm listening
to someone's ass

and you're all burning to death
in your beds.

- "Aah!
Aah!

"It's so hot!

The flames,
they're licking my body!"

Okay.
Who wants to pet a Dalmatian?

male announcer: 911.

We'll be there
when you need us.

Some restrictions apply.
Availability may be limited.

Offer not guaranteed
in all states.

Actual response time may vary.

Contact a medical professional

if you experience a wait time
longer than four hours.

- That's our show.

Thank you so much for watching.

See you next week.
Good night.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

[bright tone]