03x10 - Puerto Rican government-debt crisis

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[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome

to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much
for joining us.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week,

and we begin in Saudi Arabia,

the mecca of meccas.

This week, President Obama
visited Saudi Arabia

for a summit of Gulf leaders,

but right from the moment
he arrived,

it seemed something
was a little off.

woman: The king did not greet
Mr. Obama at the airport.

Instead--instead sent
a lower-level delegation.

- He was met at the airport
when he got off his plane

by the governor of Riyadh,
who is a royal

but is not, you know--

is not a senior figure
in the government.

- Oh, that is a snub.

[laughter]

You send a governor to meet

the president
of the United States?

Just imagine if King Salman

arrived in America
and was greeted at the airport

by Arizona governor
Doug Ducey.

[laughter]

That would not be acceptable,

even if he was moonlighting
as a limo driver.

And--and just in case the snub
was not clear enough,

the Saudi king had been shown
on television

earlier in the day
greeting the leaders

of neighboring states
at the airport,

which is like finding out
your parents didn't forget

to pick you up
from soccer practice.

They showed up,
bought an ice cream

for a bunch of other kids,

and then intentionally left
without you.

[laughter and applause]

It--it does seem pretty clear

at this point

the Saudis cannot wait

until this president
leaves office.

woman: They believe
that only the next president,

whether it's Hillary Clinton
or even Donald Trump,

will be able to restore
Saudi Arabia's status

as America's key ally
in the Mideast.

- That actually makes sense,
if you think about it.

Donald Trump has a lot
in common with the Saudis.

They both inherited wealth,

hate neighboring countries,

and have a decorating style
best described

as "King Midas and Elvis
design a brothel."

[laughter]

But despite all this tension,

the president tried
to smooth things over

during his speech
at the conference,

although judging
by the camera work

on the Saudi newsfeed,

it may not have gone over great.

- When we look back
on the past year,

a lot has gotten done.

I'm confident
that a year from now,

we will be able to say

that because of these actions,

all of our nations
are more peaceful

and more secure
and more prosperous.

And it underscores

the enduring friendship
and partnership...

[laughter]
- Wow.

It is--it's like the camera
actually said,

"Oh, my God, Obama, shut up."

[laughter]
"You are so boring."

So--so let's move on to the UK,

the country that gave the world
the Beatles

and then punished it
with Coldplay.

The UK also got a visit
from the president this week,

although their royals gave him
a somewhat warmer welcome.

- The queen herself,

in an extraordinary gesture
of friendship,

coming out with Prince Philip

to greet the Obamas.

woman: 94-year-old
Prince Philip

even drove them to lunch.

- I have never been driven

by a duke of Edinburgh before.

[laughter]

And I can report that
it was very smooth riding.

- Sure, sure.

Although let's be honest--

any ride with a 94-year-old man
behind the wheel

that doesn't end with your skull

shattered against a tree

counts as a smooth ride.

And--and those were not
the only royals

greeting the Obamas
on this visit.

woman: A royal handshake
from little Prince George,

up past his bedtime
to meet the president,

the toddler in a spa robe,
matching pajamas,

and slippers,
all of it shared

on the young royal's
Twitter feed.

"That robe! OMG, so sweet!"
one follower wrote,

and, "The most adorable display
of a power dynamic ever."

[laughter]
- Is it, though? Is it?

'Cause I would say
it's a little demeaning

for the president
to have to crouch down

and greet a toddler
dressed as Hugh Hefner.

[laughter]

Although to be fair,

this trip was not all
royal photo ops.

The president also spoke out
in favor

of Britain staying in the EU,

something that enraged
London's mayor, Boris Johnson,

and he did not hold back.

- In an article
for a right-wing tabloid,

Johnson slammed Obama

for taking a bust
of Winston Churchill

out of the Oval Office.

Johnson wrote that Obama

was compelled to oppose the UK

due to "the part-Kenyan
president's

ancestral dislike
of the British empire."

- Holy shit.

Or to put that another way,

"He may not like us because
of our history of racism,"

Boris Johnson said racistly.

And--and I'll say this:

it's a little hard
to hear a man

reduce Obama's views
to him being part Kenyan

when that man is himself clearly

part Cabbage Patch Kid.

[laughter]

And lastly this week,
we turn to Norway,

the left testicle
in the frigid sea penis

of Scandinavia.

Norway's current government

has come in
for criticism recently

for its response
to the Syrian migrant crisis,

which has included drafting
an asylum policy

they call
"one of Europe's toughest"

and deporting
nearly 10,000 people

since the beginning
of last year.

This has been overseen
by their immigration minister,

Sylvi Listhaug,

perhaps the most
Norwegian-looking human being

who has ever lived.

And this week, in an attempt
to soften her image,

she traveled
to the Mediterranean

and jumped into the water

to experience what it was like

to be a migrant,

which already sounds stupid,

and then you see
what she was wearing.

- [speaking Norwegian]

- [speaking Norwegian]

[laughter]

- Okay, okay,

I think the most ridiculous
part of this stunt

is that this looks
genuinely pleasant.

I would happily spend
my next vacation

gently floating
in the Mediterranean

in a giant pumpkin suit,

although Listhaug did insist

that she had learned something
from this experience.

woman: Safely on board
the boat again,

Listhaug has a new perspective.

- [speaking Norwegian]

- To see a boat like this
when you're drowning--

that must be amazing.

[laughter]

- Yeah.

But how is "seeing a boat

when you're drowning is nice"

something you did not
already know?

And for the record,
that is not drowning.

That's floating around giggling

dressed like an aquatic Cheeto.

[laughter]
And--and listen.

There is no doubt
European policy makers

need a better understanding
of the dangers faced

by migrants and refugees.

And if belly-flopping
around the Mediterranean

like a dolphin on quaaludes

helps you do that,

maybe it's a good thing,

because for the record,
until now,

Listhaug has been
pretty tone-deaf on this issue.

Back in November, she justified
Norway's decision

to turn refugees away

by invoking Jesus.

- [speaking Norwegian]

- I think that Jesus would see

that we have to help
as many as possible.

That was what Jesus
was concerned with--

that you should help
as many as possible,

and that's not about helping
many in Norway.

- Oh, okay,
obviously she's living

by one of Jesus' most
remembered sayings,

"Do unto others as you would
have others do unto you.

"Offer not applicable in Norway,

a country that does not
exist yet."

And now this.

[orchestral music]

woman: Target, or should I say
Targét...

man: Of course,
our sophisticated Vicki

says Targét.

What do you think, Vicki?

- Yes, Targét.
- "Targét."

man: I think they're
an upscale Targét.

- Targét.
both: That's Targét.

- Some people call it Targét,
of course.

- That's right.
- You remember Targét.

man: Well, it used
to be Targét.

I think it might be back
to Target now.

- Everyone was crazy
about Target, or Targét.

- They're a long way
from Targét.

- It doesn't have the Targét
cachet that it once had.

- Our next one from Target--

Targét, as we like to say.
- Exactement.

- How do you feel about
your store being called Targét?

- Oh, I love
to hear that, Gayle.

- Do you love it?

[laughter]
- Moving on,

our main story tonight
concerns Puerto Rico,

the island that for decades
has been marketed to us

as a beautiful vacation spot.

man: This is the commonwealth
of Puerto Rico,

a land of song and laughter.

Mmm, coconut milk

and delicious Puerto Rican rum.

This is really living.

It's the revival of an old
coconut mask festival

at Loíza, just 45 minutes
from San Juan.

[lively Puerto Rican music]

And how'd you like to see this
the morning after?

[chuckles]

- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Did that 1950s narrator
just make a sex joke?

"Why, if you've got the moxie,

"you can f*ck every
crazy masked stranger

on the island."

[chuckles]

But Puerto Rico is an island

of 3 1/2 million people,

and they are currently
facing a horror

even greater than a demonic
Slipknot coconut mask.

- Puerto Rico is in desperate
financial trouble.

woman: Puerto Rico is facing
a $70-billion public debt

amid a ten-year
economic crisis.

- [speaking Spanish]

- Considering the state
of our economy,

the debt is not payable.

This is not politics.

This is math.

- That is bad,

because "this is math"
is one of the most

dread-inducing sentences

in the English language,

even when it's uttered
at the start

of an actual math class.

As foreboding statements go,

it's right up there
with, "It'll never grow back,"

and, "Mommy, Whiskers
has been napping

for a really, really long time."

Puerto Rico is currently
around $70 billion in debt,

and it is wreaking havoc
on the island.

man: The poverty rate
is a staggering 45%.

Last year alone,
over 80,000 people

left for the mainland U.S.

man: Puerto Rico
has already shut down

more than 150 schools

in the last few years.

man: The cash-strapped
government

has dramatically hiked
sales taxes

from 7% to 11 1/2%,

far higher than any
in the United States.

- Yes, right now, Puerto Rico

is like the last Tower Records:

everything's overpriced,
everyone's being laid off,

and there's still
a weirdly large number

of Ricky Martin CDs.

And--and remember, Americans
have a personal stake here.

Puerto Ricans
are American citizens,

and they and their
descendants include

some of our finest judges,

both of our laws and our Idols.

They're some of our top athletes

and our top Guzmans.

Just this week--
just this week,

Lin-Manuel Miranda, the son
of Puerto Rican parents,

won the Pulitzer Prize
for "Hamilton,"

the Broadway smash he created
and stars in.

And last month, he made
a heartfelt plea to Congress

on Puerto Rico's behalf.

- If can leave you
with anything today,

our island is in crisis.

And if I can help in any way--

if I can get more eyeballs
to this crisis,

it's a fixable problem.

I'm urging Congress--

if "Hamilton" tickets will help,

I'm happy to do that too.

man: Ohh!

- Wow, that--that is incredible,

because I'm amazed
even he can get tickets.

[laughter]

It is--it is easier
for a meerkat

to get into Harvard Law School

than it is
to get into that show.

And--and quick side note here:

Congress should
take him up on that.

The show is amazing.

Have you seen that clip

from when he performed
a work-in-progress version

of the opening song
at the White House?

- ♪ Well, the word got around

♪ They said, "This kid
is insane, man" ♪

♪ Took up a collection just
to send him to the mainland ♪

♪ Get your education

♪ Don't forget
from whence you came ♪

♪ And the world is gonna
know your name ♪

♪ What's your name, man?

♪ Alexander Hamilton

- It's so f*cking good!

[cheers and applause]
It's so good!

We owe Puerto Rico for that man.

So--so how did we get
to the point

where members of Congress are
being offered Broadway tickets

to save Puerto Rico?

Well, much of it has to do
with the fact

that, as we have talked
about before here,

Puerto Rico is not a state
but rather,

as a 1901 Supreme Court
case stated,

it is a territory that is
"foreign to the United States

in a domestic sense,"

which sounds like what
a liquor store clerk says

to try and sell surplus cases
of Miller High Life.

"Oh, you're looking
for a quality foreign beer?

I'd call this foreign
in a domestic sense."

[laughter]

And look, we don't need
to settle tonight

the question
of Puerto Rican statehood.

That is a complicated issue

on which many Puerto Ricans
themselves disagree.

But one thing is for sure:

because it's a territory,

many laws that apply
to the states

have loopholes
concerning Puerto Rico,

and as you will see

time and time again
in this piece,

those little legal quirks

have had massive consequences,

some good

but many utterly devastating.

And let's start with a quirk
many Puerto Ricans like,

something called Section 936.

It gave tax breaks
to encourage businesses

that would otherwise
have moved overseas

to move to Puerto Rico.

And it worked.

woman: In the 1970s,
the U.S. government

helped attract business
to Puerto Rico

by granting generous
tax breaks.

That led to a booming
manufacturing sector,

particularly pharmaceutical
companies.

At its peak,
the island was home

to 89 drug
manufacturing plants.

- All of a sudden, Puerto Rico
was a pharmaceutical paradise.

At its peak, the small city
of Barceloneta even housed


and other plants,

including one
that produced Viagra.

And that Viagra plant
was such a source of pride

that the town's mayor has said,

"We're responsible
for a lot of good moments,"

which is one step away

from outright changing
the town's motto

to "Barceloneta: You're Welcome
for that Boner."

[laughter]

Now, unfortunately
for Puerto Rico,

Congress got rid
of those tax breaks

to offset a tax cut
on the mainland,

phasing them out completely
by 2006.

And between that
and the U.S. recession,

Puerto Rico lost over half
its manufacturing jobs,

putting its economy
into a flaccid state

that no amount of Viagra
could fix.

And to pay its bills,
the government started issuing

tons of municipal bonds.

And a municipal bond
is basically an IOU:

Puerto Rico borrows money
from someone,

promising to pay it back later
with interest.

And for years, people lined up
to buy those bonds,

because thanks to some other
quirks in the law,

they were very attractive.

woman: Congress decided bonds

from Puerto Rico would be
triple tax-exempt.

Those who buy them
don't have to pay

federal, state, or local taxes
on the bonds.

- The money you earned on them
was triple tax-exempt

anywhere in the U.S.

And triple is the best
you can have--

like triple fudge brownies,

because double fudge is shit

and quadruple fudge
doesn't even exist,

because what would
the fourth fudge be?

Now--now, Wall Street
loved those tax breaks,

as well as the fact that thanks
to yet another legal quirk

that they themselves
lobbied for,

they could stash tons
of bonds in funds

without putting Puerto Rico
in the name.

You might even own
Puerto Rican bonds

and not even know it.

Oppenheimer's Maryland
Municipal Fund, for instance,

is made up of 50.4%
Puerto Rico bonds,

which is insane,

because if you are more
than half something,

that is what you
should be called.

Even Taco Bell makes sure
their ground beef

is less than 50% squirrel lips.

And that's because,
as we all know,

the rest is a combination
of raccoon dicks

and weasel knees.

And yet Puerto Rico
even went a step further

to entice Wall Street,

writing into its constitution

language suggesting
that certain bondholders

would be paid first

ahead of anything else,

including funding basic
government services,

which is pretty f*cked up.

The U.S. owes $1.2 trillion
to China,

but if you called 911,

you would not
expect them to say,

"Oh, I'm sorry, we chose to send
our fire truck money to Beijing.

Have you tried blowing
on the fire really hard?"

And it's provisions like that

that kept the money flowing in.

And as their former
governor puts it,

Puerto Rico got hooked.

- They were extremely
attractive in the marketplace,

and Puerto Rico actually got
addicted, I would say, to it.

And--and so it was a lot easier

to just go out and borrow

as opposed to making
tough decisions.

- Yeah,
that is absolutely true,

but you were the governor
for many of those years.

So hearing you complain
about addiction

is like hearing
Keith Richards complain

about the Rolling Stones'
drug problem.

It was you, Keith!

You're the only Rolling Stone

whose blood was
a controlled substance!

It was you!

And--and there was one more
quirk here

which made Puerto Rico
a time b*mb,

because unlike states,
Puerto Rico cannot authorize

what's called Chapter 9
bankruptcy, which is huge,

because think about that.

If you are massively in debt

and you can't
declare bankruptcy,

you are stuck.

And this happened
because of a tiny amendment

to a law in 1984,

and the crazy thing is,

no one can say
why it was written.

- It's interesting to note
that Chapter 9

applied to Puerto Rico
from 1933 to 1984,

and then mysteriously,

for some reason,

Puerto Rico was exempt
from Chapter 9.

- A provision was stuck
into a larger bill

with no explanation or debate.

- There is no legislative
history to explain why

Puerto Rico was singled out.

- He's right.

So the next time your
obnoxious friend tells you,

"Everything happens
for a reason,"

you can simply say, "No, Dan,

"not the 1984 provision
exempting Puerto Rico

"from bankruptcy protection,

so shut the f*ck up."

[laughter and applause]

Look, we even tried out--

we--we even tried--

we even tried
to find out ourselves

why that amendment got attached.

We knew Strom Thurmond
had proposed it,

so we asked an archivist
at the library

where his papers are kept

to go through
the relevant papers,

and they came up with nothing,

which might actually be
the best-case scenario there,

because usually when it comes
to Strom Thurmond,

the answer to the question,
"Where did this come from?"

is either his testicles

or fervent racism.

So--so at this point,

with massive debt

that it's promised to pay
ahead of government services

and no access to bankruptcy,

Puerto Rico was f*cked.

But wait, because we're
only getting started here.

Because four years ago,

in an attempt
to turn things around,

they embarked
on a disastrous plan

to lure in wealthy individuals
and small businesses

by, among other things,
exempting them

from capital gains taxes,

which, you have to admit,

is pretty good rich people bait.

It's right up there
with tiny dogs in bags

and big, dumb round ice cubes.

They're colder when
they're round, you know.

[laughter]

The--the government even created

a video to sell mainlanders
on moving,

featuring a businessman

talking in spectacularly
condescending tones

about how unexpectedly civilized

life in Puerto Rico is.

man: What we found,
first of all,

was a thriving
business community--

established, solid,

like the United States.

In terms of family,

I must say I was
skeptical at first.

But in the end,

the island has everything
you might need--

great possibilities.

I visited schools, and wow,
top level--

in English.

I saw living alternatives

up to our standards.

I felt safe.

There are so many
little treasures

you want to explore,

complemented
with all the comforts,

the necessities
you and your family

are accustomed to.

- Ugh.

That level of colonial tone

makes me cringe,

and I'm f*cking English.

"Dear, the buildings had roofs.

"The cars had wheels on them.

"But wait, they also had
indoor plumbing

and the printed word."

But--but while those tax breaks
were part of a plan

to create 50,000 jobs

in 18 months,

a study later found

they only directly
created 5,800.

That's 12%.

If an ER doctor told you,

"Congratulations, we got 12%
of the G.I. Joe

out of your rectum,"

you would not consider that
a job well done.

[laughter]

And while those who relocated

have gotten out of paying

around $420 million in taxes,

Puerto Ricans have been
suffering the effects

of savage government cuts,

including hospitals
literally struggling

to keep the lights on.

- Puerto Rico's debt problem
has gotten so dire,

the Power Authority cut off

a hospital that's behind
on its bill.

The Electric Power Authority
did at least wait

until surgeries were done
for the day today

before pulling the plug.

- Oh, that's nice; they waited
till surgeries were done.

I guess it's only the people
on life support

that have to worry
about the switch

to bicycle power generators.

"Pedal faster, Luis!

We're losing him!"

[laughter]

And with working conditions
like those,

is it any wonder that apparently

at least one doctor a day

leaves Puerto Rico?

That is an attrition rate
rivaling that

of "Grey's Anatomy."

[laughter]
How have so many of you died?

You work in a hospital.

[laughter and applause]

And--and the truly tragic
thing here is,

Puerto Rico may soon
need those doctors

more than ever.

- Health officials are worried

as they expect the Zika virus

to infect one in five people
in Puerto Rico.

woman: The island of
Puerto Rico has already seen


of the virus

that's been linked
to severe birth defects.

- So hold on,
on top of debt,

industrial collapse,
school closures,

and a sudden influx
of tax-dodging assholes,

now Puerto Rico
has to worry about

deadly mosquitoes?

It's like the island is being
hit with all the plagues

that God felt were too "thinky"
for the Bible.

And this is clearly a moment

where Puerto Rico could rightly
cry out to its creditors

for mercy.

However, a lot of its creditors

are now hedge funds

who traditionally thrive
on this kind of chaos.

man: Hedge funds often invest
in debt-ridden economies,

buying up bonds
at low prices

and looking to flip them
for quick profits.

And Puerto Rico
is their latest target.

The strategy has earned them
a reputation among critics

as so-called vulture funds.

- It's true: as much as 30%
of Puerto Rican debt

is now held by vulture funds.

And if you are alone
in the desert

and see vultures
perched above you,

your first thought is never,

"Oh, thank God, the vultures
are coming to help."

And these vulture funds
have lived up to their name,

with a group of them producing
a report last year titled

"For Puerto Rico,
There's a Better Way,"

suggesting budget cuts

like cutting excess
Medicaid benefits

and reducing the number
of teachers on the island.

So shaving money out of medicine
and education

is your better way.

Well, at least have
the intellectual honesty

to then change the title
of your report

to "Hey, Puerto Rico--
f*ck You, Pay Me."

Now, the good news here is,

Congress is currently
considering a bipartisan bill

that would give Puerto Rico
some breathing room

to negotiate with creditors.

And the details are still
being worked out,

but if this is done well,

it could be a real help
to Puerto Rico.

Unfortunately,

there is now a coordinated
campaign to k*ll it.

man: Who will bail out
Puerto Rico?

Washington says you will--

retirement accounts crushed,

a bailout on the backs
of savers and seniors.

Tell Congress:

stop the Washington bailout

of Puerto Rico.

- Okay, everything you just saw
was bullshit.

First, it's not a bailout.

No one is suggesting
a cash infusion.

Second, that ad wasn't paid for
by savers and seniors

but by the Center
For Individual Freedom,

who've spent nearly $2 million
on ads like that.

They are a dark money group,

so it's impossible to say

where that money came from.

[coughing]
Hedge funds! Hedge funds!

[coughing]
Hedge funds gave them the money!

It's--it's impossible to say.

[coughing]
Hedge funds!

[applause]
Impossible.

Even--even the sad old people

featured in that ad
are bullshit,

because they're all
stock footage models.

And if you let the stock footage

of the man with the mustache
play out,

he's not even sad,

because he starts
f*cking smiling!

[laughter]
That's amazing.

You can--you can make him
react to anything.

Look, hey, stock footage man,

you've been used
in a manipulative attack ad.

Oh, don't be sad.

Let's get some ice cream.

Oh, you know what?
Bad news.

They're out of ice cream.

But they have cake--

pound cake, though--

with strawberries.

Oh, stock footage man,

you're America's greatest
living actor.

And--and this not to say

that regular bondholders
have not been hurt.

In fact,
some Puerto Rican bondholders

may have got the worst of this

thanks to one more quirk,

because some of the bonds
were underwritten

by the investment bank UBS,

which sold them to one
of its own divisions,

essentially selling them
to itself.

UBS then off-loaded those bonds

onto Puerto Rican customers,

even though its own sales force

felt they were so risky,

they came with up with a list
of 22 reasons not to sell them.

And 22 is a lot of reasons
to ignore.

If a waiter at Bennigan's

says she has 22 reasons

she doesn't feel comfortable
selling you the Cobb salad,

you listen to her,
and you go across the street

to a f*cking Sizzler.

[laughter and applause]

Now--now, UBS says
they did nothing wrong,

and technically, they're right.

I mean, sure, UBS should
never have been able

to sell those bonds
to themselves.

It's actually illegal
to do that

under the Investment Company Act
of 1940.

But--and I think you know
what's coming by now--

that doesn't apply
in Puerto Rico,

because apparently no laws apply
to businessmen down there.

I would not be surprised
if in Puerto Rico,

hedge fund managers somehow
have the ability to fly

due to some bullshit exemption
to the law of gravity

Strom Thurmond wrote up
in the f*cking 1980s.

Look, the point is,


a dire crisis right now,

and the clock is ticking.

Their next debt payment

is due on May 1st,

and in the short term,

they need relief
from hedge fund lawsuits

and an opportunity to try
to restructure their debt.

And in the long term,

we need to stop
treating Puerto Rico

like it's just a tax haven

or a place to have
terrifying sex

with a stranger
in a coconut mask.

And instead,
we have to start treating it

like an island
of American citizens

whose fate is interwoven
with ours.

And look, there are certainly
better voices than mine

to speak on behalf
of Puerto Rico.

Luckily, there is someone
with Puerto Rican parents

and an amazing voice,

and he is here tonight.

Please welcome the great
Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat piano music]

♪

- Yeah.

♪ My family's from Puerto Rico

♪ The tropical destination

♪ Where you can spend
your Washingtons ♪

♪ The spot where you vacation

♪ A commonwealth
with not a lot of wealth ♪

♪ A not quite nation

♪ $70-billion topic
of conversation ♪

♪ Hoping to God John Oliver's
comical dissertation ♪

♪ Resonates with the Congress

♪ That got us
in this situation ♪

♪ Along with suicidal
tax incentive declarations ♪

♪ "Yeah, we'll pay
your bonds first" ♪

♪ Close the hospital,
f*ck the patients" ♪

♪ This is an island


♪ A hurricane is coming,
and we're running up a loss ♪

♪ We got here through a million
misguided loopholes ♪

♪ That giveth
and take away businesses ♪

♪ And poop in our soup bowls

♪ They crapped in yours,
they crapped in mine ♪

♪ And somewhere down the line,
Strom Thurmond's ghost ♪

♪ Busted a cap in a chance
at Chapter 9 ♪

♪ The great debate
over statehood has to wait ♪

♪ That's Rose and Jack
on the "Titanic" asking ♪

♪ "When's our next date?"

♪ The ship is sinking,
we have to say ♪

♪ And pay shit that matters

♪ Then we'll figure out our
Facebook relationship status ♪

♪ Will they or won't they

♪ It's "Friends'"
Rachel and Ross ♪

♪ We have to help our island
just 100 miles across ♪

♪ To recap: 3.5 million
American civilians ♪

♪ Are on the hook for billions

♪ Vulture funds are circling
and lobbying for payout ♪

♪ There's nothing left
to tax or cut ♪

♪ We're stuck,
we need a way out ♪

♪ Allow them to restructure

♪ There's no structure
for what happens ♪

♪ If you let this crisis
play out ♪

♪ When May is less
than a day out ♪

♪ It's nonpartisan

♪ The hard part is in
convincing Congress ♪

♪ Puerto Rico matters
so their heart is in the fight ♪

♪ For relief, not a bailout,
just relief ♪

♪ A belief that you can pass
legislation to ease our grief ♪

♪ Paul Ryan, I'll come sing
"Hamilton" at your house ♪

♪ I'll do-si-do with Pelosi

♪ I'll wear my
"Hamilton" blouse ♪

♪ Your citizens are suffering

♪ Stop the bleeding,
stop the loss ♪

♪ Help Puerto Rico,
it's just 100 miles across ♪

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

That's Alex Lacamoire on keys.

- Lin-Manuel Miranda,
ladies and gentlemen.

Lin-Manuel Miranda.

That's our show.

We're off next week.
We'll be back after that.

Thanks for watching.
Good night.

[bright tone]