05x10 - Dear Clarissa

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

I don't know exactly when it happened,

but it seems like one day I woke up,

and I had an opinion about everything,

like what flavor ice cream

goes with double fudge almond nut cake

and exactly how loud to play

the new Nine Inch Nails song.

Not to mention how much money

the U.S. ought to give Boris Yeltsin.

So I've been thinking about how cool

it would be to be a professional opinion-giver.

First, I thought I could be a fortuneteller.

What do you see, Madame Clarissa?

You have a husband named Marshall,

a son named Ferguson,

and you work in the children's museum.

Any other questions?

Yes. Can I have my money back?

[mystical music]

Then I thought being a famous guru

would be interesting.

[panting]

What can you tell me, o wise one?

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Is that all?

And you look better in blue.

[relaxing music]

Of course, if I were a bartender,

I could give advice

that was a little more down to earth.

And then she left me.

She just waltzed out the door,

no good-bye, no nothing.

What do I do?

Well, you might try paying your tab,

and then how about going home?

[jazzy music]

But then I had a sure-fire way to get my opinions out there--

an advice column right where everyone can see

in theThomas Tupper Times.

Hey, I'm the editor, right?

Now all I need is a pen name.

I've always liked the name Alice,

as in Alice B. Toklas, literary sidekick.

That's it!

Ann Landers, move over

Alice B. Talking has arrived.

♪

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

Okay, it's been a few days

since I introduced Alice B. Talking to the

Thomas Tupper Times readership.

The response has been great--

a little on the silly side, but, hey.

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Hey,Alice.

Sam, my name is Clarissa.

You could have fooled me, Alice, but you didn't.

Okay, how'd you guess?

Clarissa, I know your style.

Who else would actually answer a letter from

a guy who thinks he's a vampire?

Yeah, that was a good one.

"Dear Mr. Dracula,

"have you ever considered becoming a vegetarian?

"I hear they have a soybean blood substitute

that's just as tasty as real thing."

Pretty funny, Clarissa.Thanks.

This is column is the biggest thing at Thomas Tupper.

Everybody is talking about it.

Well, giving people advice is really fun.

Yeah, the last person I gave advice to

just won the Ditzberger Prize for sportswriting.

Your dad? Really, that's great.

Yeah, he was gonna write about

the Rhode Island Tiddlywinks championships,

but I convinced him that

the Super Bowl might have a wider appeal.

Good thinking, Sam.

I'll call you if I need anything.

Anytime.

See you later,Alice.

Bye, Sam.

Now where was I?

"Dear Alice, my boyfriend wants me

"to get a nose ring made of stainless steel,

"but I want one of tempered brass.

What should I do?"

Well, that's a deeply philosophical question,

if ever I heard one.

Boy, I love this job.

♪

Now, I personally don't see anything wrong

with either one of these.

They're very imaginative, Marshall.

Well, then why won't she accept any of my designs?

Well, maybe what Mrs. Fardle wants

for the Adopt-a-pet Center is something more practical.

They are practical.

Now--now look at this.

Every time somebody adopts a pet,

the tail wags.

Oh!Ruff, ruff!

How about that? Yeah, that's free publicity.

I love that, Dad. It's great.

Yeah, well, I wish Mrs. Fardle did.

Then maybe I'd get a decent night's sleep for a change.

Marshall, honey, I feel bad that

I hooked you up with this thing.

I mean, you're nice enough to do the work

for nothing after all.What?

Well, I want to contribute, but I got to tell you.

Sometimes I get the feeling

the only thing that I'm really doing

is stroking Mrs. Fardle's oversized ego.

Did you say for nothing?

It's for the new Adopt-a-pet Center, Ferguson.

Yeah. So?

So, you know, they're little low on funds.

I'm doing this work pro bono.

Pro bono?Yeah.

You mean as opposed to Cher Bono?

[badum-tss] Get it?

Cher Bono, pro bono.

Pro bono means for free, Ferg.

And her name isn't Cher Bono.

It's Cher.Uh-huh.

So let me get this straight.

You do the work.That's right.

And you don't get paid.

Well, there are compensations other than money, Ferguson.

Really? Well, like what?

Well, you know, like the good feeling

you get when you do some work for a worthy cause.

But you still don't get paid.

You know, see, that's the point, Ferguson.

See...

No, you know, I'm gonna explain this later.

My son-- the charitably challenged.

I'm going back to the salt mines.

Good luck, Marshall.

I'll make you some extra-strong ginseng tea

and bring it in.

Thanks. Come on, boy. Come on.

Pretty funny line, huh?

Pro bono, Cher Bono? Yeah?

I'm laughing on the inside.

I thought it was amusing, Ferguson.

Thanks, Mom.

When I'm rich and famous and I have my own TV series,

I won't forget those that stood behind me

in my lean years.

And those that didn't.

Your own TV series?

You mean besides America's Least Wanted?

Pretty funny, sis,

but not funny enough for the big time, I'm afraid.

At least, not funny enough for my show.

What show, Ferguson?

The TV show that I'm gonna star in

once I make my mark as a stand-up comic.

If I had my own show,

do you have any idea what I'd make?

Yeah, a lot of people sick.

Do you know what comics call people like you, sis?

Okay, I'll bite.Material.

[badum-tss]

[telephone rings]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes, this is Clarissa.

Yes, I am the editor of...

Oh, you mean our advice column, Alice B...

Well, sure, I know who writes it.

Oh, sorry, but I can't.

You're Wally Kelp fromGruvMagazine?

Of course, I've heard of you.

Well, actually, I write it.

Yeah, well, it's sort of a secret, but, uh...

Tomorrow? Sure, why not?

Bye.

That is totally cool.

What is?

That was Wally Kelp.

He's boy genius editor of the magazine

calledGruv

and he wants to run my advice column

in his magazine.

Wow! That's impressive.

Mom,Gruvmagazine is really out there.

It's one of my favorite zines.

Well, congratulations, Clarissa.

I'm sure you'll do a terrific job.

Thanks, Mom.

I'd better get this ginseng tea into your father.

Alice B. Talking in the pages ofGruvMagazine?

Hm, doing this column might turn out to be

the best advice I ever gave myself.

[upbeat music]

I can't believe I know somebody who writes for Gruv Magazine.

This is so cool.

Let's hope so, Sam.

Hey, here it is.

"Dumb boyfriends? Stupid teachers?

"Bad hair day? Write me.

I'm Alice, and you're not."

With this ad, you should get lots of great letters.

Well, listen to what I wrote that girl

from Thomas Tupper who had the nose ring question.

How'd you get permission to run the Thomas Tupper Letters

in Gruv anyway?

Well, I know the editor.

"Dear steel or brass,

"why get something as boring as a little nose ring?

"I suggest you weld a huge block of cement

"to the side of your head,

"or if you're not into concrete,

"how about tattooing your phone number

"across your forehead that way your boyfriend

"won't forget to call you?

Yours, Alice."

I don't know, Clarissa.

What if she does get a tattoo in the middle of her forehead?

I'm just joking around, Sam. [doorbell rings]

Besides, who would be crazy enough

to take this stuff seriously anyway?

You never know.

Hey.

Are you Alice B. Talking?

Yeah.Cool.

Delivery fromGruvMagazine.

Great.

Sam, these must be the letters.

I hope I got enough.

Whoa! Wait, there's more.

Oh, bring them in.

♪

♪

Gee, I guess Alice B. Talking is popular already.

Listen to this.

"Dear Alice, I dreamt I was an ant

"and now I can't stay away from picnics.

What should I do?"

Signed, Looking For Leftovers."

[laughs] Here's one.

"Dear Alice, when my head itches,

"my butt sweats.

"Does this mean I'm a genius?

Signed, Baffled in Boston."

Who said there's no such thing

as a stupid question?

Hey, kids.

How's everybody doing tonight?

Oh, look.

My sister's become a bag person.

[badum-tss] Get it?

Bag person.

Yeah, I get it.

Was that funny?

What's the matter?

You look like a sad sack.

Get it? Sad sack.

We get it.

Whoa, the original good humor man.

I'm just sharpening up my improv skills

for the talent night next week.

You see, I'm sending out head sh*ts

to every TV producer on the coast.

I am sure they'll be flying in for the show, Ferg.

And, boy, will, their arms be tired.

[badum-tss] [laughs]

How can this guy be so darn funny?

One word, Sam.

Timing.

Speaking of which, I think it's time

for Alice to get down to business.

Okay, it's almost midnight.

I spent all day reading these letters

and sorting them into piles.

Broken hearts...

Pimple problems...

Family feuds...

Weird...

And too weird.

Let's see where this one goes.

[sighs]

"Dear Alice, I'm the one who wrote you before

"about the nose-ring, remember?

"Well, I took your advice and got a tattoo.

"It's not on my forehead, but it's bad enough.

"My boyfriend dumped me because he hates tattoos.

"And now, so do I.

"Maybe you should be more careful

"next time you give advice, Alice B. Stupid.

Signed, Permanently Damaged."

Boy, I can't believe she took me seriously.

I was only kidding.[knock on door]

Yeah, come in.

Hey, sport, saw your light on.

You getting through all your letters?

Trying to.

So how's your Adopt-a-pet design coming?

Well, this afternoon,

Mrs. Fardle rejected my th model.

Other than that, it's going very, very well.

And you?

Well, I just got a letter from a girl who says

she took my advice, and it wrecked her life.

But besides that, everything is peachy.

Oh, well, tomorrow is another day.

I better get back to work on design number .

I think it's gonna be a skyscraper

and with a huge picture of Mrs. Fardle

surrounded by the words "Woman of the Year."

That ought to do it.

Do you want a word of advice?

Sure.Sleep.

I could use it.

Good night, Dad.Good night, sport.

One more letter before bed.

Let's hope this one cheers me up.

Oh, no.

Oh, this is bad.

Oh, this is really tough.

What am I gonna do?

You ever get to that point when you think

it just can't get any worse?

Well, it just got worse.

[foreboding music]

[uneasy theme music]

♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

[upbeat music]

♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

Okay, it was bad enough when my nose ring advice

backfired and caused Steel or Brass to get dumped.

Then I got this--

a letter I don't even know how to begin to answer.

It's from some guy called Down and Out in Delaware.

Ready?

"Dear Alice"... [ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Hey, Clarissa.

ThoseGruvmessengers were here again.

There's more downstairs.

Great. More letters.

What's the matter?

I don't know if the advice business is for me, Sam.

Maybe I'll call Wally Kelp and tell him I'm through.

You're gonna quit? Are you kidding?

Look.

I've already got Miss Nose Ring hating me

because I gave her the wrong advice.

And now listen to this.

"Dear Alice, I don't know what to do.

"I'm really depressed-- not like sad or bummed out.

"I mean, like, in 'I can't get out of bed

"to scrape the gunk off my skateboard wheels'

"I'm so depressed.

"Like, in 'I don't wanna eat, sleep,

"or put maple syrup in my brother's shampoo,'

"I'm so depressed.

"I tried to talk to my parents and they just said,

"'Get over it.'

"Alice, your advice column is the only thing

"that's made me laugh in like a million years.

"But it gets harder every day.

Signed, Down and Out in Delaware."

Wow.See what I mean?

Hey, kids.

Ferguson, what are you doing in here?

Just trying out some of the world's greatest jokes.

Listen to this one.

"A guy stops me on the street

"and he says he hasn't had a bite in three days,

so I bit him."

Isn't that great?

Yeah, it was the first time I heard it.

You mean, you've heard it already?

Couple thousand times.

There isn't a joke that can't be improved on.

And that's just what I'll have to do.

Ferguson, you can't teach an old joke new tricks.

Wait and see.

He said he hadn't had a bite in three days,

soIbit him!

No...

So Ibithim.

No, no, no. No.

So I bithim.

Ferguson, get out.

So... So...

I bit him...

[mutters]

So do you think he's only kidding?

I hope so. His jokes are pretty weak.

No. Down and Out's letter.

Could it be a joke?

It doesn't sound like a joke.

And this guy's not the only guy who needs help.

A lot of these letters are from kids

who don't have anywhere else to go.

They need real answers.

What should I do? What should I tell him?

I don't know.

You're the one with all the advice.

I've got to think of something.

Good luck, Clarissa.

If you get any ideas and you wanna talk them over,

give me a call.

Thanks.

[downcast music]

Great.

When I do give advice, it backfires.

And now I get a really serious letter,

and I don't know what to say.

I guess having opinions

isn't the same as having all the answers.

[dramatic music]

♪

All's clear!

Full speed ahead!

[alarm blaring]

What's going on?

Enemy sub to starboard!

They're attacking.

Attacking? What should we do?

Torpedo, , yards and closing fast.

Give us your orders, Admiral.

My orders? But I don't know what to say.

Five hundred yards and closing.

Admiral, please, we're talking about the lives

of every man and woman on the ship.

One hundred yards and closing!

Admiral, what should we do?

I don't know what to say.

Admiral, please advise.

Advise? Advise?

But--but I don't know!

We're gonna die. I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna die!

I don't know. I just don't know!

[expl*si*n]

[alarm blaring]

[jets whooshing]

♪

I better figure out what to say to Down and Out

before this whole advice thing blows up in my face.

Ladies and germs,

we have a very special treat for you this evening.

Please give a wacky, warm,

Laff Shack welcome to the comedy stylings

of Ferguson W. Darling.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Hey!

Thanks for coming.

You know, I've seen better crowds in a football stadium.

But seriously, folks,

how many of you out there have a sibling?

My condolences.

I have a big sister.

Please, somebody take her. I beg of you.

[laughter]

A funny thing happened to me on the way over here tonight.

A guy stopped me on the street.

He said he hadn't had a bite in three weeks,

so I bought him a ham sandwich.

He's getting them all wrong.

But seriously, folks, a guy I know

got a call from his doctor, and doc said,

"You have hours to live,

but I should have called you yesterday."

So he drops dead! [laughs]

He drops dead. Get it?

Dead?

Okay, uh, all right.

Here's a question for you animal lovers out there.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

'Cause he thought he was a chicken.

[badum-tss]

Well, folks, you've been great,

but that's all the time we have for today.

Thanks. Good night. Bye-bye.

[cheers and applause]

Well? What did you think?

Ferguson, you definitely have a unique sense of humor.

And, I mean, that...

You just need to find your audience, son.

You'll go far.

Yeah, hopefully very far.

Yeah, good luck at Talent Night, Ferguson.

Thanks. Thanks.

A few more of these rehearsals,

and I think I'll be ready.

Oh, I think you're plenty ready.

Oh, thanks.

And by the way, about that cheap sh*t,

it's all just for laughs.

If only.

Love you, babe.Yeah, love you.

Yeah, well, I'll be in my study, working on number .

[telephone rings]

Hello? Yes, she is.

Clarissa, it's for you.

Hello? Wally, hi.

Thanks for calling me back.

Yeah, I just...

Okay, I'll hold.

He got another call.

Mom, do you think I need to tighten up

those jokes a bit?

Well...[sighs]

Let's go get a piece of pie and talk about it, Ferguson.

Berry good idea, Mom. [badum-tss]

Get it? Berry?

Blueberry pie?Uh-huh.

Hi. Wally, yeah.

I'm just having a little trouble with...

Okay.

What did he say?

He got another call.

Yeah.

Yeah, I just wanted to ask you, you know,

what I should do about this letter

I got from this guy. He said he's...

Okay.

Yeah, sure.

Well, I just wanted to ask...

No, I can handle it.

Bye.

Wally isn't going to be much help.

He's got too many phone lines.

Bummer.

[sighs] I don't know what to do, Sam.

I went to the library today

and did some research on depression.

It is a huge subject.

And?

And all I know is I'm in over my head.

Maybe I should just tell Down and Out to,

you know, look on the bright side.

Yeah, and you can send him a Debbie Gibson record

and a smiley face button.

Okay. Okay.

So maybe I should tell him to run away from home

and become a gypsy or something.

Sam, what should I do?

Maybe Alice B. Talking is the one who needs advice.

Maybe I should just forget about this letter.

Can you do that?

No.

Someone out there is really depending on me.

I can't let him down.

Yep.

I wonder if Dear Abby has days like this.

[upbeat music]

Clarissa, it's : a.m. what are you still doing up?

Oh, just answering a letter.

Hi, Dad.

I think he's napping.

Uh...

Whiskers?

What's that, Marshall?

[tense music]

Whiskers.

Maybe I'll have whiskers

coming out of the front of the building,

and they'll be going up and down

during business hours.

I'll try that.

I'll bring you another one of my special ginseng sh**t

in a minute.

I like the cushion attached to his head.

I was worried he'd keel over at the drawing board.

Neat trick.

Well, I don't know about the rest of this family,

but I need some sleep.

Mom, can I ask you something?

Of course.

Do you know anything about being depressed?

Clarissa, are you feeling down?

No, not me.

Someone you know?

Kind of.

See, when I started this advice column,

I thought it'd be really fun,

but then I got a letter from this guy

in Delaware who's so depressed,

he doesn't wanna eat, sleep,

or even get out of bed.

Mm, I see.

I'm worried about him. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to say.

Well, what would you tell Samuel or Olivia

if they came to you and said they had a problem like that?

I guess at this point, I'd just tell them

to go talk to someone who knows more about it than I do,

someone who knows what they're talking about.

Well, that's not as outlandish as it seems.

But that's just a cop-out.

Oh, Clarissa, I don't think you can solve

everybody's problems by yourself.

You're telling me.

But you can point them in the right direction.

Yeah, I can help him get help.

I could tell him where he should go,

and maybe even give him a few numbers to call.

That way he'd also know someone out there cares.

Yeah. Good advice, Mom.

Now I'm gonna make sure he gets some too.

That's the spirit. Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, Mom.

♪

Hey, everybody.Hi, Dad.

So how'd it go?

Ah! Mrs. Fardle loved my model.

I mean, she absolutely loved it...

Finally.

Oh, that is good news.

Congratulations, Dad. So which one did she go for?

Well, all of them.

You know, I got so disgusted, I just stuck them all together.

Ah, the mysteries of the creative process.

Mom, can I have a ride downtown after lunch?

What for, Ferguson?

"Honest Johnny's used cars for a wheel deal"?

This morning I received a call from a certain gentleman

who happened to see my brilliant act

at Talent Night, and he's hired me.

As what? A billboard?

No, I'm warming up the crowd

at Mr. Johnny's big spring sales event.

Little bit of humor tends to put people in a buying mood.

I'd be happy to give you a ride, Ferguson.

Yeah, knock 'em dead, kid.

Eh, even Seinfeld had to start somewhere.

So how's everything working out

with Alice B. Talking, Clarissa?

So far, so good.

I just got a letter from a-lot-less Down and Out

in Delaware.

Looks to me like my advice column

is gonna do some good after all.

Well, that's great, sport.

Yeah, you know, sometimes giving good advice

isn't a question of having all the answers.

[upbeat music]