05x05 - Alter Ego

[bunniefuu]

You know, when I was a kid, I loved to play dress-up.

And one of these days, I may grow out of it,

but I doubt it.

There's just something about pretending to be someone else

that gets my blood pumping.

And it takes so little to become a whole new person.

[upbeat twangy music]

All you need's a pair of rattlesnake boots

and a ten-gallon hat,

and you can do the tush push

as much as your achy breaky heart wants.

And there's something a string of pearls and velvet gloves

that makes you feel like money grows on trees.

[stately music]

And what is it about a pocket pen set and penny loafers

that brings out the Bobby Fisher in all of us?

What you wear can redefine who you are.

Say you want to go cool.

Real cool.

Hypercool.

There, this will do.

Now all I need is a new name to match my new look.

I think tonight I'll only be answering to...

Jade.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

[rock music]

What a night.

When Sam's cousin Wiley invited us to his party,

we thought it'd be fun to go incognito.

After all, the kids at Wiley's high school

don't have any idea who we really are.

It was great.

The music was great. The food was great.

And I met this really great guy who thought I was great too.

Well, not me exactly.

Let's go back, way back to a few hours ago.

[rock music]

Sam and I had everybody buying our act.

It was a lark.

It was weird. It was fun.

And then I heard him play.

[cheers and applause]

He looked like your average guy,

but if he could play the drums like that,

I knew he had to be something special.

[in East Coast accent] Hey, you're good.

It sounded okay?Okay?

I thought my brains were gonna jump out my ears.

It was heathen, and you're so...so...

Straight?Yeah.

You gonna go pro?

You kidding? My parents would die.

They don't even know I'm in a band yet.

Yeah, well, you can't expect your parents

to like stuff you're into.

Like, you think mine were into this nose piercing thing?

"What if you get a cold?

"What if you wipe your nose and your sleeve gets caught?

What if it rusts and you get tetanus?'

But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Boy, I wish I thought that way.

Gonna get my whole body pierced eventually.

Lips, elbows, fingernails.

Next on my list is eyelids.

That sounds painful.Yeah.

So I'm Jade. Who are you?

Pauly Slick singer, that's who.

I told him I was from Long Island

and we moved here a year ago.

He believed every word of it.

In fact, he believed everything I said.

See? It's a sewer rat.

If I flex my wrist, its tail wags.

[laughs]Wow.

Jade, I can't believe your parents let you get a tattoo.

Well, they had their objections.

"What if you get ink poisoning?

"What if the kids call you rat girl?

What if your prom dress is sleeveless?"

Right, like I'm gonna be wearing a prom dress.

I kept waiting all night for him to catch on.

Then there was the time I wanted to jump over

ten burning trash cans on my dirt bike.

I'd done nine, so I thought, "What's the big deal with ten?"

One kid who did it still can't eat solid food.

Wow, Jade, you're amazing.

You're pretty neat yourself.Really?

Would I lie to you?

Well, clearly, I would.

Only it didn't feel like lying.

And now I'll probably never get to know him.

He likes Jade. He doesn't even know I exist.

Gee, I wonder if he has a brother.

Oh, where'd you get her?Him.

And no, you can't hold him.

Oh, come on, just for a minute.

Okay, fine.

But no baby talk, no stupid names,

and no kissy faces.

Okay.

You have my word.

Hello, little bitty kitty cat.

What your little-bitty name?

I'll call you fluffy puff!

You never cease to disgust me.

Ah...

Hey, where'd you get the kitten, Ferguson?

I found him under the Tic Tac Taco.

He was hiding under a pile of those cinnamon crisp things.

Oh, yeah? What was he doing there?

Basically crying his fuzzy little butt off.

I couldn't just leave him.No, of course not.

I figured somebody might be offering a reward,

so I decided to bring him home.

Strange, though.

I feel a certain affinity for the little tyke.

Mom says I can keep him around for the time being.

All right, as long as you look after him.

Look what I just got from the garden.

Oh, wow, Mom! That's a really big one.

Oh, yes. It's big...big, big.

Isn't it great?

I'm thinking of stuffing it with kidney beans

and wheat berries for tonight.

Sounds delish, Mom,

but didn't we have squash last night?

Ferguson, that was acorn squash.

This is banana squash.

all: Oh!

They're nothing alike.

And isn't this a beauty?

Oh, whole lot of eating in that squash.

It's a big squash.

Ned Silverstein said that

I should enter it in the state fair,

but I don't want to deprive my family

of all this vitamin "A."

Deprive us? I mean, what an opportunity.

We couldn't rob you of a chance at a blue ribbon.

Well, maybe I'll hold onto it and enter it

if nobody really minds.

Enter it.Please.

Oh, I'll just put it on the porch to keep it fresh.

Whew... that was a close one.

I've been eating so much squash lately,

I think I'm turning yellow.

Last night I had a dream

that I mowed down the whole squash patch,

every last mother-loving vine,

and then I pretended that it was an accident.

Go for it.Do it.

Yeah?

No, I can't.

She's so darn proud of those gourds.

Sorry, kids.

They'd probably grow back anyway.

[all sigh]

So what are you gonna name the kitten, Ferguson?

Well, I wanted a name that said,

"Dignity, grace, and wise economic philosophy,"

so I decided to call him William F. Buckley.

That's no name for a kitten.

Besides, what if he already has a name

and you'll just confuse him?

People change their names all the time.

Oh, yeah.

I guess name changing

isn't all that rare of an occurrence.

What's in a name, anyway?

If it's Jade,

maybe a little more than I bargained for.

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Hey, Clarissa.

I got some news about your boyfriend.

What boyfriend?

As in drummer boyfriend.

Talk.Okay.

He called Wiley at, like, : this morning

and went on and on about

how you're the most awesome girl he ever met.

Really?

Yeah, I guess he really liked you.

Guess he did.

What am I saying? No, he didn't.

He couldn't possibly have liked me.

Hey, have a little self-confidence.

No, Sam, he didn't even meet me.

He met Jade, and that's who he's so crazy about.

You mean you didn't tell him you were just goofing?

I just couldn't.

Oh, then I guess it's gonna be really weird

when he calls you.

He can't call. He doesn't have my number.

I kind of gave it to Wiley to give to him.

I didn't know.

What am I gonna do?

Clarissa, you're gonna have to tell him who you really are.

Oh, great,

and then he'll probably just get really angry at me

for faking him out.

And what if he doesn't like me,

or he sort of likes me but he really likes Jade?

The longer you wait, the harder it's gonna be.

Okay, maybe you're right.

I'll tell him the truth when he calls.

Good luck.

Sure, luck's nice,

but what I really need is a good explanation.

Not another harvest.

I want to know,

what kind of fertilizer

is your mother using in that garden?

What are we're gonna do?

Well, there's nothing you can do at times like this

except pray for a drought.

[phone ringing]I'll get it.

[in East Coast accent] Yeah, what?

[normal voice] No, actually, we hate our long-distance service,

but we're just too lazy to switch.

Thanks for asking, though.

Hello, all.Hey, where you been?

Oh, I was out picking up a few necessities

for William F. Buckley.

A catnip briefcase,

a Brooks Brothers collar.

And for inclement weather, galoshes.

He hates to get his feet wet.

Ferguson, I made William F. Buckley

a little something myself.

I was working on a model

for that new international earring boutique,

you know, the lobe globe.

Oh, right, yeah.

Well, I had some fabric leftover,

so I made this.

What is it?

It's a scratching post, you know,

so the little guy can make sure his nails are in shape.

Um...dad...

I don't mean to seem ungrateful,

but as a parent,

I feel responsible

for what the little guy is exposed to,

and I think that that's...

that's way too...

What?Girly.

Girly?The girliest.

Dad, maybe you could reupholster it

with something with a touch more testosterone?

Something more not pink?

You're being ridiculous.

Well, do I att*ck your parenting methods?

No, but all things considered, maybe someone should have.

[phone ringing]

Yeah, what?

What kind of survey?

Okay.

No.

Yes.

Definitely no.

Only on Tuesdays.

Uh, probably basset hounds.

You're welcome.

Tada!

Oh, not another one.

Isn't it stunning?

And I have a recipe where you puree it,

mix it with cornmeal, and make it into pizza crust.

Sounds yummy.

Somebody do something.

If she cooks it, we'll have to eat it.

Another squash...

Uh, Mom, about that squash...

shouldn't you save it for the fair?

Clarissa, it's just an ordinary butternut squash.

Ordinary?

[stirring music]

Ordinary?

It has been a fruitful year

indeed if you can call that squash ordinary.

No! I would call it extraordinary.

That's what I would call it,

and it would be a crime for you

not to enter that into the fair.

Well, okay, you talked me into it.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Uh, I...

Hang on, I'll get her.

[in East Coast accent] Yeah, what?

I don't know. Who's asking?

Sure I remember you, Pauly, right?

Yeah, sounds good.

Next Saturday?

Well, why not?

What else am I doing, right?

Okay. See ya.

That was, uh...

This guy I met.

We kid around a lot.

Well, what'd you expect?

I couldn't tell him in front of everyone.

I'll tell him sooner or later.

[In East Coast accent] Hey, maybe later.

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

I think it was either William Shakespeare

or Snidely Whiplash who once said,

"Oh, what tangled webs we weave

when first we practice to deceive."

Whoever it was, wasn't kidding.

Pauly and I went to the state fair last night,

and I spent the whole time

trying not to get caught in the Jade web.

Things got sticky

when we almost ran into some kids from school.

To avoid them, I pretended to be fascinated by stucko,

the human pincushion.

Hey, check it out.Gross.

Can we go already?

But this is so awesome.

I guess it is kind of Unique.

Then the whole relationship almost went up in smoke

at the fried dough stand.

Even with the clouds of grease,

I could smell trouble in the air.

Wait. There's something bothering me.

Really?

Your nose ring.What?

Didn't it used to be in the other nostril?

Oh, no, no. Of course not.

I mean, it's...

it's just because you're used to seeing me

from the other side, like this.

And finally, an evening thunderstorm

almost washed away my cover.

Oh, man, it's really coming down.

No kidding.

You want a bag for that?

No, thanks. I think I'll just wear it.

I know I should tell him.

But the problem is, I really like the guy.

And I just wonder if he could like me.

The real me, that is.

What are you doing?

The well-adjusted kitten needs lots of physical contact.

You see, the roughness of the towel

replicates the roughness of the mother cat's tongue.

Why don't you use your own tongue?

If it wasn't for hairballs, I would.

Ferguson, I'm afraid we've got some bad news.

Look what we found on a telephone pole out front.

"Have you seen Bubblegum?

"He's got stripes

and a black 'V' on his forehead."

That looks absolutely nothing like my cat,

and even if it did, Bubblegum?

Does this look like a Bubblegum?

Come on, Ferguson, there's some kid out there

looking for their pet.

Look.

Bubblegum...Bubblegum?

See? Wrong cat.

Why don't we just give Ferguson some time

to think about this?

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

Wow, I never thought it'd be so hard for Ferguson

to say good-bye to his kitten.

But I've got my own farewells to deal with.

I just hope saying good-bye to Jade

doesn't mean saying good-bye to Pauly.

What's the worst that could happen

if you tell Pauly who you really are?

I'm afraid he won't want to see me anymore.

I think he's in love with Jade,

or at least kind of mesmerized by her.

But, like, who wouldn't be?

Well, I'm not, to tell you the truth.

Jade kind of gets on my nerves.

Hey, you wanna come over here and say that?

Stop that.What?

You keep slipping into her voice.

I do?

Maybe you better tell Pauly the truth

before you become Jade.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

So you're gonna level with him?

Really?

What I say? Don't you got ears?

Call me when you're not so "Jaded."

This is getting creepy.

What if Sam's right?

What if Jade takes over my body

and there's nothing I can do about it?

What if I'm stuck as Jade forever?

[ominous music]

♪

Does it seem hot in here?

Not really. Are you feeling all right?

[clock ticking][thunder rumbling]

It's happening! It's happening!

What's going on?

Can't...stop it!

Stay back!

Someone do something!

Call ! Call !

Help me.

It's her own fault.

Some things shouldn't be tampered with.

Run! Run for your lives!

[lightning cracking]

Wait, don't leave me.

Oh...

[howling]

That's it.

No matter what happens, I've got to tell Pauly.

I may lose him,

but that's better than losing myself.

Mom and dad are going to the fair this afternoon,

so I invited Pauly over to hang out

and listen to music.

I'm gonna break the news then.

I hope that's all that gets broken.

Now, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?

It's William F. Buckley.

Ferguson, I'm sorry, but he belongs to someone else.

We called the number on the poster, Ferguson.

The owner should be here any minute.

And we know that you'll do the right thing.

I can't believe it.

And they call themselves my parents.

[doorbell rings]

Hi, there.Good afternoon.

May I please speak with Mr. Ferguson Darling?

You certainly may.

Oh, Mr. Darling?

What do you want, kid?

I hate to bother you,

but your mother said you might have my kitten.

Not so fast.

What's your name?Missy.

Not so fast, little missy.

What makes you think I have your kitten?

Your mother says he's got

a little black "V" on his forehead.

Uh-huh.

And where did you get this supposed kitten anyway?

My daddy gave him to me,

just before he left to do missionary work in Calcutta.

Calcutta?

I lost him at Tic Tac Taco.

That's where my mom works.

I wait for her on the playground every day.

All day long?

It's not so bad.

I can have all the stale chips I want,

and I have Bubblegum to play with.

Well, I used to.

Okay, kid. You win.

Sis, will you please get William F. Bu...

Bubblegum, please?

Sure, Ferguson.

Are you all right, Mr. Darling?

Yeah, don't worry about me, kid.

You look after yourself.

Oh! Bubblegum! I missed you so much!

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Darling.

Oh, I better return your collar.

Keep it, kid.

You know what, Mr. Darling?

I think you're the nicest man in the whole world.

Come on, kid.

I've got some other kitty stuff in the garage.

How'd it go?Is Ferguson all right?

I think he'll pull through.

But shouldn't you guys get going to the fair?

I mean, you don't want to miss the squash competition.

We're leaving. We're leaving.

Come on, Ferguson. Let's get a move on.

Speaking of getting a move on...

[doorbell rings]

[rock music]

[doorbell rings]

Hey, Pauly.Hey, Jade, how's it going?

Great, but, uh...

Look, I, uh...Hey, look.

Hey, you got a little skull in your ear.

Yeah.

You know, I always wanted an earring.

I just never had the guts to get one,

until I met you.

Me?

What have I got to do with it?

You're just so strong about being yourself.

I mean, you don't care what anybody else thinks,

because you know who you are.

Yeah, well, that sort of comes and goes.

Know what else?

I'm taking professional drum lessons,

and it's all because of you.

Look, there's a whole bunch of stuff

you don't know about me.

But I'm dying to find out.

Hey.

Big improvement, sis.

Hmm, you should think about wearing a disguise full-time.

What are you doing here?

Who was that?Oh, my brother.

Look, I...

Did Ferguson find my Patty pan squash?

Oh, hello.

Uh, Mom, this is Pauly. Pauly, my mom.

Oh, nice to meet you, Pauly.

Hi.

Oh, I get it.

You're off to another one of those costume parties.

You kids...[car horn honks]

Oh, I'd better hurry.

Costume party?

Oh, my mom, you know...

It's her idea of a joke.

She don't like the way I dress, so every day I hear,

"You going to another costume party?"

[chuckles]That's a drag.

Janet, I found your Patty pan. It's in the car.

Uh-huh.

Pauly, this is my dad.

Hi.Hi, hi.

Oh, so...

you getting ready for Halloween

a little early this year, Sport?

Uh, yeah.

Looks good.

Hey, aren't you guys from Long Island?

I mean, no one else in your family has an accent.

Oh, well, yeah, because they're...

you know, they're so into fitting in that

they changed their accents so people won't notice them.

Come on, everybody. Let's go.

Don't stay out too late.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to butt in, but...

I think you guys should use your own accents.

I mean, you shouldn't be ashamed of who you are.

Our accents?

We haven't got time, Janet.

Yeah, wish you could stay.But bye.

Wow.

That's so sad about your family denying their identity.

They're nothing like you, Jade.

Well, actually...

Because you're totally yourself.

And you're the reason I'm becoming myself also.

Okay, stop, I can't take it anymore.

What's wrong? What'd I do, Jade?

Don't call me that!

What am I supposed to call you?

I don't know. Try Clarissa.

Is this some kind of weird pick-up thing?

No, it's just me.

My name is Clarissa Darling.

I've never been to Long Island.

And my nose ring is a clip-on.

Whoa.

It started out as a joke,

but I never quite got to the punch line.

I'm sorry.

Man...

If you completely hate me

and you never want to see me again,

I totally understand.

How can I hate you? I mean, I don't even know you.

What are you, a real geek or something?

No.

We'll see.

Wait, so you're not mad?

I'm kind of flattered, actually.

You are?

No girl ever went through so much trouble

just to impress me.

So you still want to hang out?

I guess, but I'm kind of shy around strangers.

I like shy.

Well, looks like you got all the award-winning squash

into everything,

except for the bread.

Oh, really?

Oh...

is that squash I taste?

It's my blue-ribbon Patty pan.

Huh...

nice nutty flavor.

So, Clarissa, are we gonna be seeing anymore of Pauly?

I think you can count on it.

Nice kid. A little confused.

Nice.

Well, takes a while to get to know a person.

Appearances can be deceiving.

[in East Coast accent] You know what I'm saying?

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na