04x12 - Babysitting

[bunniefuu]

Okay.

Certain days mean certain things--

like birthdays mean presents, Mondays mean school,

and today means run for the hills.

That's because today marks the th wedding anniversary

of our neighbors, the Soapersteins.

And that means, for the fourth year in a row

Mr. and Mrs. Soaperstein

will ask me to... babysit for them.

Any other time of the year,

I can find a way to get out of it,

but somehow, on their anniversary,

no matter what I do, I get guilt-tripped into the job.

So what's so bad about that?

Historically, babysitting has always been one tough business.

Even in prehistoric times,

the little Neanderthals couldn't be trusted.

But with the grownups gone,

it didn't take them two minutes to start wrecking the place.

Talk about primitive.

As time passed, things went from bad to worse.

Medieval parents were just as clueless,

and for the babysitter,

the castle became a chamber of horrors.

Being locked in the dungeon would have been a relief.

Today, babysitters are paid in cold, hard cash,

watch tons of TV, and talk on the phone all night long.

But no perks are worth babysitting

little Elsie Soaperstein for the fourth year in a row.

If I wind up minding that brat again,

it's gonna be different, it's gonna get ugly.

This year, it's gonna be w*r.

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ All right, all right

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

♪ Way cool

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ All right, all right

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

♪ Way cool

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Naa naa na-na-naa

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

♪ Just do it

Okay. Ready for a true-life w*r story?

Every year, right here on Shadow Lane,

little Elsie Soaperstein

launches a full scale att*ck on yours truly.

Here's a brief look at my personal combat record

with little Elsie.

But be warned, it's not for the faint of heart.

Three years ago,

little Elsie was in her arts and crafts stage,

which normally would be normal,

except Elsie decided to give my favorite new blouse

the Jackson Pollock treatment.

I don't know if it's art, but I hate it.

Two years ago, little Elsie decided

it would be fun to play hide-and-seek.

[thunder]

I never figured out where she hid.

I was too busy seeking shelter.

[thunder]

But last year was the last straw.

I thought I could tame Elsie

with my old Suzie Baker bake kit.

Seemed pretty harmless at the time,

but little Elsie gave a whole new meaning

to the phrase "hell's a poppin'."

So what's Elsie got in store for me this year?

I'm not sticking around to find out.

Hi, Sam.

Hey, Clarissa. What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be halfway to Albania by now

with little Elsie on the loose.

She's not out yet, Sam.

By my yearly calculations,

I still have minutes and seconds

before Mrs. Soaperstein calls.

And tonight, by the time she does, I'll be going, going...

[telephone rings]

Gone.

It can't be Mrs. Soaperstein.

[ring]

She's early. That's cheating.

[ring]

Hey, all's fair in love and babysitting.

[ring]

I'm not gonna answer it.

There. See, that wasn't so bad.

Hey, I guess avoidance has its place.

Now let's get out of here before...

[Mrs. Darling] Clarissa! Telephone!

That happens.

Got it, Mom!

Hello.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Soaperstein.

Listen, this year about babysitting little Elsie,

I, uh--uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well, you know, normally, I would.

It's just that-- could you hold on a second?

Why is it so hard to tell someone

"I don't like your kid"?

Tell her it's nothing personal.

How much more personal could it get?

Listen, Mrs. Soaperstein, about tonight,

I...um...

I'm going out.

Where?

Um...

boxing.

Uh, no, the movies.

Well, yeah, it's a boxing movie.

Yeah, it's my favorite genre,

and, ooh, I'd better run

if I want to make coming attractions.

Sorry, I can't babysit little Elsie.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, I... Maybe next time.

Okay, okay.

Okay, bye.

That was close. Thanks, Sam.

No problemo.

I can't believe it. I'm off the hook.

That was easy.

You're right, Sam.

Maybe too easy.

Hiya, sis.

Nice night for babysitting, don't you think?

The air is crisp, the leaves are turning,

the thr*at of random v*olence is in the air.

Say cheese.

Oh, great.

I'd love seeing blue dots everywhere I look.

Thanks. I needed a before picture.

What? Before you learned how to use a camera?

Note:

subject still exhibits lame-o sense of humor

as defense mechanism.

I've decided that your yearly battle with Elsie Soaperstein

demand documentation-- a full audio and visual record.

It might make a nice photo spread

inLifemagazine.

I'm sure.

Happy to disappoint you, Ferg-nerd,

but this year, I'm free and clear.

Of course, you are.

I don't know, Janet.

Do we really have to go?

Marshall, it's the neighborhood block party.

If we skip that, what will the neighbors think?

That we have a life?

Funny.

Now your father and I will be back later tonight.

Ferguson, try not to overdo it watching television.

Oh, sure, Mom, but there is that documentary

on the salt marsh amoeba I've been looking forward to.

Uh-huh.

Clarissa, what are you doing tonight?

Tell you what I'm not doing--

babysitting for little Elsie Soaperstein.

Oh, what a shame, honey.

She's such a cute kid.Yeah.

She got such adorable little giggle.

And when she looks at you, it's hard not to melt.

Are you sure we're talking about the same little Elsie?

Maybe they met the one from a parallel universe.

That would explain it.

Wait, you don't want to babysit for her, Clarissa?

Mom, babysitting for little Elsie

is like surviving a shark att*ck.

Only her victims can truly understand the horror.

Yeah. Well, you got yourself out of it this year.

Looks like, there's nothing to worry about.

I guess.

Still I have this cold sense of dread

that my worrying has just begun.

What do you mean, Clarissa?

Well, you remember last year?

The Plunkett twins were supposed to babysit for them.

I mean, there are two of them.

How did two people suddenly sprain their left ankle?

Well, there is one way to assure

you don't have to babysit for her.

How?Get someone else to do it.

Can't you recommend someone who would like the job?

Like it?

Well, I guess I know a few hard-core masochists.

Clarissa, were you able to find a substitute babysitter?

Well, I gave Mrs. Soaperstein a bunch of names,

but I don't know if anyone's gonna come through.

Come on, Janet. Let's get this thing over with.

Oh, Marshall, honestly, sometimes, I get the feeling

you don't want to know our neighbors at all.

That's the problem.

I've met them, I know them,

and I have no desire to mingle with them.

Party-pooper.

Oh! Boy, Edna, what a surprise!

Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Just thought I'd drop by and say hello.

It's not a bad time, is it?

Quick, Sam, set something on fire.

In the confusion, I'll make my escape.

Got you.Hello, Clarissa.

So, Edna, what brings you by?

Well, as you may know,

it's Ned and my th wedding anniversary.

Oh, congratulations.

I just thought I'd drop by and invite you to join us.

Oh, well, that's very sweet,

but wouldn't you two rather be alone?

Well, it's out of our hands.

We're stuck at home with no one to look after little Elsie.

So you couldn't find a babysitter, huh?

We called and called and called.

Well, where's little Elsie now?

Well, she's right...

Little Elsie, what are you doing

out there on the sidewalk?

Don't you want to say hello to the Darlings?

She is so shy.

That's what Genghis Khan's mother said.

She knew the block party was tonight

and, well, since she couldn't go,

she just had to say hello to her favorite neighbors.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Come on in here, puddin'.

Duck!Hide.

Come on. That's it.

Aw, here she is.

Say hello to the Darlings, Elsie.

Hello, Mrs. Darling. Hello, Mr. Darling.

It's so very nice to see you again.

I think I might throw up.

Well...

That's it.

She just wanted to come by to say hello.

We'd better be going home now.

Ned and I are planning on celebrating our anniversary

by renting some old videotapes.

Uh-oh. Look out, incoming guilt trip.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Soaperstein.

I really would do it if I wasn't going to the movies.

Going to movies? Where? The Octoplex Theater?

Uh, yeah.Oh, good news.

They're closing the Octoplex Theatre for the weekend.

They're bombing it for roaches.

Looks like you'll be able to babysit

little Elsie after all.

Glad I could help.

Let me know if you need anything,

you know I'll be around.

Clarissa?

What can I say?

Are you sure it's all right with you, dear?

Hey, babysitting little Elsie is my inescapable destiny.

Oh, then it's settled.

Little Elsie, you're going to stay here

with your favorite babysitter--Clarissa.

Goody!

All right. Come on. We gotta get going.

Right. Clarissa, we won't be late.

Oh, me neither. Got to pick up Elsie.

Thanks again.

Bye, sweetie.

Farewell! Good-bye! So long!

Suckers!

So you tried to get out of it, huh?

Fat chance.

Do me a favor, Sam. Don't go anywhere.

Two on one-- maybe those are the odds

we need to survive.

Thanks. I owe you.

Before things get ugly,

there's just one thing I want to say.

Say it, squirt.Okay, catch me if you can.

Ha ha ha!

Great. Looks like we're stuck here with little Elsie.

It's just a few hours.

So was the Battle of Midway, Sam.

[crash]

Come on.

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

Okay.

Right now, Sam's in the living room

trying to corral little Elsie.

[Sam] Hey! Put that down!

[glass breaking]

Sounds like he's holding his own.

I feel guilty tag-teaming an eight-year-old,

but, hey, when you're taming a force of nature,

you want to go in there with heavy numbers.

[Sam] Ow! Ow! Let go![thud]

I'd better make this fast.

Having spent the last three years

in the field doing research,

I now have a pretty good idea of what will tame little Elsie.

First, there's chocolate pudding.

Last year, it was the only thing she would eat.

So now she can have all she wants.

Next, there's my full-scale video library.

I've got everything from "My Little Unicorn"

to "Slash Gordon"-- something for every taste.

[Sam] Hey, come on now. I think that's flammable.

[expl*si*n]

Finally, rope--good solid rope.

No explanation necessary.

Now I better go help Sam.

Clarissa, you told me she was bad.

You never said she was evil incarnate.

Don't worry, Sam.

This year, I've got the tools that can control little Elsie.

Okay, but if you're not packing thermonuclear warheads,

I think you're traveling light.

Where is she anyway?

I think I lost her somewhere

between the basement and the attic.

Rest up, Sam. You're a good man.

I'll handle it from here.Good luck.

These big guys tire easy.

What's the matter, lightweight?

Can't take the heat?

Elsie, listen, can't we call a truce?

I just want to get this over with as smoothly as possible,

collect my money, and take the next days off.

Deal?

I'm not signing anything

without having my lawyer present.

Aw, come on.

I got lots of fun stuff for you to play with.

Power tools?

No.

Heavy machinery?

Not exactly.

Well, what then?

Well, you'll never know if you don't come with me.

Oh, I get it-- the old psychology bit.

Clever.

Clever.

I wonder if I can charge the Soapersteins extra

for combat pay.

Give me three reasons I should do what you say.

Well, let's see.

Because respecting elders is a time-honored tradition,

because your parents paid good money

for a valuable service.

And because if you don't, I'll just have--

[crying]

What? What? What? What?

You said you would hurt me.

No, I didn't. Oh, jeez.

Elsie, please, please, please stop crying.

I can't. You've upset me.

I brought videotapes.

Let me see.

Unlimited TV.

Just for you.

Hmm.

Saw it. Saw it.

Don't want to see it.

Saw it. Saw it.

You call this a collection?

You mean you don't see anything you like?

No. Besides, TV's bad for my eyes.

You're not trying to ruin a little kid's eyes, are you?

Of course not.

What else have you got?

I know.

Guess what's in the refrigerator just for you.

Don't tell me you're gonna make me eat that all-natural garbage

your mom slaps together.

Hey! Leave my mom's cooking alone.

Can't believe I just said that.

Well, what then?

Chocolate pudding-- your favorite.

Was my favorite!

Now that stuff makes me barf.

You're not trying to make a little kid barf, are you?

Perish the thought.

What else have you got?

And snap it up!

It's almost bedtime.

That does it. I'm going for the rope.

Ah! Action photo.

Pulitzer material?

Who's to say?

I did just get some great sh*ts of Sam, however--

a photo essay.

I'll call it "passed out."

Very candid.

Ferguson, why don't you take a hike?

Oh, no can do, sis.

When I finish covering tonight's little adventure,

I'll be known as Mr. Capture-The-Action.

Say cheese.

Any special kind of cheese, Fergie?

I don't know. Any kind.

Be spontaneous.

Okay. Cheese!

Now you, sis.

I'll call this one "Predator and the prey."

Uh, Elsie?

What, chicken butt?

Let's talk girl-to-girl.

No.

You like Fergie?

He's my boyfriend.

Uh-huh.

Congratulations.

Well, you know what...

if you just sat there and watched a videotape,

it would make Fergie really happy, okay?

I'll be right back.

Talk about a warped love connection.

Still, it is kind of obvious when you think about it.

Oh, Fergie!

Ladies and gentlemen of the Pulitzer Committee,

I really don't deserve this award.

Oh, okay, I do.

Still, I'd like to say that...

Ferguson, we have to talk.

Sure, sis.

It's just that...

[sniffing]

Do you smell that?

Smell what?

It's a very distinctive aroma.

Yes. It's the smell of fear.

Yes, fear and desperation, definitely.

Mm-hm.

And it's coming from your general direction.

Ferguson, I need your help.

It'll cost you.How much?

How much you got?I'm broke.

Okay, then I also believe in credit.

Let's say, % of your babysitting

take from the Soapersteins.

%?

That's robbery!

Well, then what can I say?

Stick 'em up.

Thanks for nothing,

Ferg-breath, you spineless little-

I got bored.

So I wanted to see how the videotape works.

Oh, hi, Fergie.

% and not a penny more.

Done.

Popcorn?

No, thanks.

No, thanks.

Fergie?

Yeah?

Cheese!

Remember?

Yeah, I remember.

You sure you don't want any popcorn?

No, thanks.

No, thanks.

Fergie?

Yeah?

Cheese!

Okay, Elsie. Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Watch the TV. Maybe you'll see some cheese.

Fergie?

Fergie?

Fergie. Fergie.

Fergie! Fergie! Fergie! Fergie! Fergie! Fergie! Fergie!

What?

Cheese!

Okay, Elsie.

Please, enough with the cheese already.

You know, I can't say enough about this popcorn--

hot, not too much salt, really perfect.

Whoa!

Oh, careful, Fergie.

Let me help you up.

No. That's okay, really.

I'm fine right here. Believe me.

Fergie?

I'll give you $ not to say cheese.

When I'm , you'll be .

Mmm, that's true.

You'll have to marry me.

Oh, that's false.What!

TV's okay, but nothing beats live theater.

You're not gonna make me cry, are you?

Furthest thing from my mind.

The fact is, Elsie, I've got a girlfriend.

Yeah. Yeah, as a matter of fact,

I've got a lot of girlfriends.

I'm bad news and I admit it.

You want to find somebody who can make you happy

maybe, maybe a third grader.

I quit.

I get the picture.

If you won't love me, you'll fear me,

Ferguson Darling.

I'm gonna make your life a living nightmare.

Oh, please.

Deal's off.

Keep your dough.

Say, shouldn't you be out learning to spell or something?

Oh, hey!

Maybe you didn't hear me the first time.

Sis, help! Get her off!

Oh, looks like she's doing fine from here.

All right. All right.

Break it up.

Elsie, sit on the furniture for a change.

Fergie!What?

Go make me a peanut butter sandwich,

or I'll break something expensive

and blame it on you, okay?

This is an outrage.

Welcome to the world.

And no crusts.

Hey, Ferguson, why don't you make her the sandwich?

In fact, why don't I help show you where the bread is?

It's in the bread drawer.

Ah, yeah, I think I will need your help

showing me where the special bread is.

If you guys want to talk about me,

that's okay, go ahead.

Take your time. I'll be right here.

Sis, that's so rotten.

That's so sneaky.

You can't be serious.

You think it's fair to do that to a little kid?

Well, okay.

Oh, Elsie.

We'd like to talk to you.

What's that behind your back?

Nothing.

Aha! Is that the best you could do?

The old camera behind the back trick.

Told you it would never work.

You're going to take pictures of me

when I'm bad and show them to my parents,

and, ooh, will I be in trouble then, you boobs.

I guess she's just too smart for us.

You can't stop me.

You can never stop me.

I've gotten away with m*rder every year,

and so I'll keep getting away with it every year.

Well, you can't blame a girl, for trying.

Try all you want.

I've done more property damage

than all three "Lethal w*apon" movies combined.

Parents will never catch me.

They're too stupid.

[clicks tape recorder]

I've gotten away with m*rder every year.

[shuts off]

I'm prepared to make you a very attractive offer

for that tape.

Sorry.We'll take it out in trade.

What do you want?

Oh, not much.

Just sit back, relax, and enjoy "My Littlest Unicorn."

No way. That stuff makes me puke.

Hey, bonus.

[starts videotape]

Okay.

I behave...uh,

you give me the tape when my parents come back,

deal?

Maybe.Maybe.

Wow.

What did you do to calm her down?

Oh, nothing I shouldn't have thought of years ago.

Cool.

Yeah.

Kids--you know I love them.

I got to hand it to you, Janet.

That block party last night was a great idea, huh.

Lots of great food,

and I met some neighbors I never met before,

and I won the -and-over limbo contest.

I forgot to ask, where did you end up disappearing to?

Oh, well, old Pops Stamler cornered me by the punch bowl,

went over the finer points of re-sodding the lawn.

Boring.

Well, sis, I've got to hand it to you.

It was a pleasure doing business with you.

Thanks.Well, you two sound happy.

Yeah. You see?

Babysitting doesn't have to be so bad after all.

It was a complete crash course in child psychology.

And we passed with flying colors.

[telephone rings]Oh, I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Edna.

She was?

Oh, that's nice.

What's that?

You and Ned are going away next weekend.

Well, I don't know. I'll ask.

Clarissa?

Ferguson?

Huh, now where did they go?

Gangway! Coming through! Out of the way!

I don't mean to blow off the Soapersteins,

but when it comes to babysitting little Elsie,

once a year is, once a year too much.