04x10 - Tale of Two Moms

[bunniefuu]

You know those games kids have where there's a face

and you can slide in a different nose

or mouth or eyes?

Well, I thought about that when I started wondering

who in my family I look like.

I mean, do I have my dad's mouth?

Or his nose?

Or his eyes?

No way!

And what about my mom? Is that her chin?

Or her eyebrows?

And what about hair styles?

I think I'll keep my style.

As for any resemblance to Ferguson...

Nope. Too horrifying to imagine.

No physical resemblances,

but what about personality?

I have more in common with Sam than anyone I'm related to,

and he's not like his folks at all.

His dad, Arnie, likes sports.

And his mom, Dangerous Debbie from the roller derby,

actually likes busting heads.

Sam won't go near any of that.

Darwin may have figured out a lot about heredity,

but he never answered that one key question

that a kid's got to ask:

"Whoarethese people living in my house?"

[upbeat music]

♪ Naa naa na-na naa ♪

♪ Na na-na na naa ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Naa naa na-na naa ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na naa ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Naa naa na-na naa ♪

♪ Na na-na na naa ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Naa naa na-na naa ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na naa ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Naa naa na-na naa ♪

♪ Naa naa na-na-naa ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na naa ♪

♪ Just do it ♪

Okay, I've been sitting here for hours.

I'm supposed to make a change in my life

and write about it for English,

which narrows things down to about a billion options.

So why can't think ofone?

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Hey, Clarissa.

Can I borrow your bike helmet?

Sure, what for?

My dad, just in case his head comes in contact

with a flying roller skate.

You mean...

My mom, she's only been with us a couple hours

and already they're fighting.

So much for two weeks of quality time.

Yeah, I guess she'll spend the play-offs

staying at the motel across town with the team.

Oh, that's a drag.

But at least it'll keep her from taking aim

at your dad's skull.

If only she could be close by and still out of range.

Wait a minute. Maybe she can stay here.

I don't know, Clarissa.

Why not?

She's been in motels a long time,

in motel rooms by herself.

I think she's kind of forgotten how to live with people.

And I don't want to impose her on your folks.

Maybe they won't mind.

Really?

Yeah, my dad's between projects,

so he's just hanging around, and our moms always got along.

And, hey, I can do my English assignment on her!

What English assignment?

You know, the assignment we're supposed to do about

changing our lives and writing about it.

Oh, right, I forgot.

Maybe I'll wear my clothes inside out for a week

and see what the reaction is.

Cool.

Well, now that your mom is coming, I've got my subject.

What?

What it's like living

with the roller derby's hottest skater.

Are you still working on that stupid family tree?

Come on, Ferg-wad, Mom said we had to clean up.

That's not quite accurate, sis. Mom said, "Clean up the mess."

And yet you're still here. Hmm.

How are things coming in here?

Ferguson?

Just about done, Mom.

Oh, I have a question.

Who is more important, the guy who discovered penicillin

or the one who discovered anesthesia?

Ooh, that's a hard one. Why?

I'll just go with the penicillin.

I'll make him an uncle.

Ferguson, the guy who discovered penicillin

is not in our family tree.

What are you talking about? I got him right here.

Yeah!

Squeezed between Henry VIII and General Colin Powell.

I feel a special kinship with these people.

They're my...

spiritual ancestors.

Give me a break.

[doorbell rings]

Ooh, that must be Debbie!

Gangway, everybody! I'm here! I'm here!

Clarissa!You look great.

Hi, Debbie!

Oh, I'll just take your bag and put it in the--oh.

Hey, I brought you some ice cream.

Oops. Getting a little drippy.

Mmm! You're gonna love this.

In shape for the play-offs?

We're gonna annihilate 'em.

And I'll be there for every match.

Sam, this trip, we'll have lots of time to spend together.

And don't forget...

I know, you want to gab all about

what it's like to live with me.

Well, I'm happy to.

Look what you're doing for my Sam and me!

Well, you just make yourself at home.

I like the sound of that.

Well, where's my room?

All right. Right this way to my study.

No, no. I'll get that.What.

Come on, Sam.

I'll just, uh, put this in the freezer.

Now that Debbie's rolled into town,

I think things around here are really gonna pick up speed.

Clarissa, honey, is this enough salad?

Should I make more?

I think it's plenty.

[timer dings]

Mmm, what smells so amazing, Janet?

Oh, it's one of my favorites.

Bulgur loaf.

Bulgur loaf.

Wow.

You know, why don't I make just a little more salad?

Oh, Debbie, you don't have to do that.

After all, you're a guest in this house.

Oh, no, you don't. I'm no guest.

I'm Debbie, and Debbie dives in!

Well, whatever makes you happy. Just be yourself.

That's more like it.

I don't want to hear that word "guest" again. Deal?

Deal.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Did that hurt, honey?

Oh, not really, I guess.

Oh, I'm so stupid. I forgot.

That's how we roller derby gals seal a deal with each other.

It certainly brings people together.

Maybe I should make a note of that for my paper.

Yeah, I get kind of carried away,

but if I do anything out of line,

you just let me know.

Um, you know, it might be easier

if you want to use the tongs.

Why? You just got to wash your hands anyway.

Oops!

Anyone bites on anything crunchy,

uh, it's not a crouton.

I think I lost a press-on nail.

Okay, Sam's mom has been here four days now,

and I have to admit,

she certainly doesn't fit in typical Mom land.

She brought a lovely hostess gift.

My mom loved the flowers.

Of course, she loved them more

when they were growing in her planters.

Mom weathered that pretty well,

but when Debbie said she was bringing along

a couple of her friends for tea,

Mom realized Debbie's got a lot of friends.

Hey!How you doing?

Hi!Whoo!

And last night, Mom had everything ready

for a great Italian dinner:

antipasto, eggplant parmesan, garlic bread...

For some reason,

we all lost our taste for spaghetti.

Let's face it:

this is starting to take a toll on old Janet Darling.

Mom's getting pretty uptight.

It's like this:

mothers rule the roost,

and Debbie's roosting in Mom's hair.

Ferguson, you know, my, uh...

My uncle Louie was famous.

How famous?Ooh, very famous.

You should include him in your family tree.

Dad, didn't Uncle Louie install aluminum gutters and drains?

Yeah, but he wasn't famous for his work

but for his lunch:

sour cream, sauerkraut, sauerbraten,

topped off with a big old slice of limburger cheese.

Gross!Yeah.

He was such a regular with that deli

that they named a sandwich after him,

the Limburger Louie Lulu.

$..

That's great, Dad,

but I'm gonna include Bryant Gumbel instead.

Bryant Gumbel?Bryant Gumbel?

What can I say? You got to do better than that!

Thanks for dinner, Mrs. Darling.

Oh, you know you're always welcome, Samuel.

This is delicious, Marshall! Best pudding I ever ate.

I just followed the package instructions.

Hey! Wow.

You know, watching you in the kitchen made me wonder.

Now, how come no one has ever designed

a line of kitchen gadgets for novices?

You could, Dad.

You'd have Debbie cooking in no time.

Don't count on it.Sam's right.

I could teach you, Mom,

as long as there's not too many steps

and you don't have to be neat.

Yeah, in the same way

Helga Hartwell taught her mom to skate.

Who?

Helga and Leonora Hartwell from the Detroit Destroyers.

You mean I never told you about the time

I skated against the two of them?

Clarissa, this will be great for your report.

Okay.

Helga and Leonora were blocking me.

Hey!Oh.

When all of a sudden, I spin around,

skating backwards just to surprise them,

when all of a...aah!

[crash]

Mom!

Debbie, you okay?

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah.

Oh, that's a mess.

Marshall, I think I hit one of your buildings.

Is it okay?

Oh, a little touch here and there,

it will be all right.

At least, let me fix it.

No, please.

It's all right.You're sure?

Really.

Don't worry about it, Debbie.

Oh, maybe I'll walk you home, Sam.

Yeah, we better go.

Oh, don't wait up. I got my key.

Night, Sam.

Good night.Good night.

Well, looks like my Gherkins a Gogo is gone, gone, gone.

Marshall, you worked really hard on designing that.

No, it's all right.

No, it's not all right.

This isn't Madison Square Garden.

This is our home.

I don't remember her this way.

Yeah. Well, it must be all those years on the road.

How did we get ourselves into this?

I guess I kind of blew it, huh?

Oh, no, honey, there's no way you could have known.

Yeah.

It's just two weeks, sport, and she'll be out of our home.

The only question is, when she leaves,

will we have any home left?

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ ♪

♪ N-n-na na na na na, do it! ♪

Okay, if Debbie's visit with the Darlings

were a roller derby match,

the score would be Debbie, ; Darlings, .

It's been almost a week now.

Her team is k*lling in the play-offs,

and the Darlings are taking a bruising too.

But Debbie's not the only thing that's crazy around here.

Here's an update.

With Debbie in my dad's study,

Dad's been in the kitchen redesigning things

that seemed to work fine before he started...

like the salad tosser/dressing dispenser.

House drencher is more like it.

As for Ferg-rat, he's still trying

to find family members he can admire.

If we're lucky, he'll just change his name and move away.

And then there's my mom.

Debbie's such a mess

that Mom's turned into a clean fanatic.

Is there ever a point in life

when your mom isn't allowed to say, "clean your room"?

Okay, so Debbie's messy,

but does that mean Mom has to come down

superhard on us?

"Why doesn't Sam's mom stay with us?"

Good thinking, sis.

I've been dying for a chance to scrub the porch.

Clarissa, honey, when you're through there,

I could use a little help in the basement.

Does it have to be now?

Yes, if we want to get started on the attic tonight,

and then there's the garage

and the shed needs a good going over.

Mom, let's face it.

Sam's mom is bothering you.

Well, I always like things to be neat,

and I am feeling a little tense.

But why don't you talk to her, tell her she's bugging you?

Clarissa, that wouldn't be polite.

She's a guest, an invited guest.

And you don't invite a person into your house

just to criticize them

because they don't see the world the way you do.

Nothing like homemade bread.

Okay, Mom, as long as we don't all drive each other crazy.

You're right, I feel better after talking to you.

Great, Mom.

So I'll see you downstairs, and we'll get started

on those cleaning projects?

Yeah, sure, Mom.

Oh, this stove is dirty!

Okay, Sam's mom and my mom are so different.

I guess it's a good thing she's keeping her feelings in.

What would happen if she let them out?

[spirited banjo music]

♪ ♪

[burps]

What if my mom holds everything in

until it all bursts out at once?

I better talk to Debbie.

It may be impolite, but if nobody deals with her,

things could get downright rude.

[rock music playing]

♪ ♪

Uh, hi, Debbie.Hey, Clarissa.

Can I interview you some more for my English paper?

Sure, honey. sh**t.

Okay, let me ask you this:

what do you do if someone invades your space?

Only one thing to do: mangle and maneuver.

Mangle and maneuver.

Get 'em out of your face and take their place.

Okay, sure.

But I'm not really talking about in the roller derby.

I'm talking about in life.

What's the difference?

Okay.

Hi, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't, uh...

I didn't mean to barge in.

Hey, it's me, Debbie.

What do you need?I don't know.

From the looks of things, maybe six guys in overalls?

Oh, jeez, am I too spread-out?

No, no, no, that's all right.

Actually, sketch pad's on the desk, and I'm gonna...

Has anybody seen my desk?

[telephone rings]

The phone.Where's the phone?

Yeah, well, the last I saw, it was by the sketch pad.

Are we getting close?

I don't know. Is it getting louder?

This can't be all my stuff, can it?

Oh, I'm expecting an important call.

Can somebody get the phone?

Ah! Found it.

Hello?

Uh, they hung up.

Pretty dumb move, huh?

No, it's okay.

It's just that, well, I mean...

Who piles stuff on top of a phone?

I mean, it could ring!

They'll probably call back.

I'll be more careful.

Oh, well, don't worry about it, Debbie.

Yeah, don't give it a thought.

You know, kid, your parents, they got good stuff inside.

Yeah.

They keep a lot of stuff inside.

Maybe too much.

Well, I tried.

I guess there's no one who can tell Debbie

she's making my mom nuts.

[ladder bangs]

Or is there?

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Hey, Clarissa. Is my mom around?

Probably. She's one of the family now.

Are you upset about something, Clarissa?

Look, we can talk about anything, right?

Sure.

Okay, Sam, your mom's got to go and you've got to tell her.

What? Why?

She's turning my whole house upside down.

She's making my mom into a crazy woman.

She's a household disaster.

Well, it probably wouldn't be so bad

if your mom wasn't so uptight.

What?

Forget it.

What do you mean?

Where do you get off calling my mom uptight?

Well, you said my mom was a household disaster.

She is. She's a mess.

She is not. Your mom's a neat freak.

Take that back.Why should I?

Whoa, whoa.No, I mean it.

Sam, what are we fighting about?

I don't know.

You said some stuff, so I had to say some stuff...

And... I don't know.

Me neither.

The whole thing is b*at.

It's worse than that. This is stupid.

Now this is coming between you and me.

Do you really want my mom to leave?

I don't think we can make it through another week.

It's too bad too.

With her close by, I go to all her matches with her,

we go shopping, walking, everything.

It must have been great for you, huh?

She's driving me crazy.

What, you too?

Well, a little.

I mean, I love my mom, but let's face it,

she comes on kind of strong.

I wouldn't feel too bad.

I mean, I think, it's just part of a parent's job description.

I feel so strange about telling her, Clarissa.

I mean, she's Mom.

Well, I guess there's no other choice.

Your mom won't speak up, so my mom's got to move out.

Unless...

Unless what?

Well, my mom thinks there's only a week left.

But what if there was more?

A lot more.

What do you mean, Clarissa?

I get the feeling your mom's gonna have a reason

to stick around for a good long time.

[loud grinding]

Oh, what now?

Marshall? Marshall?

What is that noise?

[loud grinding]

[grinding stops]

My cordless cheese grater.

Why?

Did they ask the Wright brothers why?

I can't get any peace around here.

None at all.

Hello, derby fans!

Hi, Debbie.Hi, Debbie.

Well, practice went great.

We should really slaughter 'em tonight.

Are the kids here?

Hey, Clarissa! Sam!

Wait till they hear the news.

What news?

Mom?

What's going on?

Guess who got the strangest letter.

It's from the Malaysia National Roller Derby Squad,

the Malay Maulers.

It says here, they want me to coach them.

You're moving to Malaysia?

Oh, how soon?

I mean, this is so sudden.

I'm not moving. They're coming here.

Why?

Why not go to Malaysia?

I think you should go.

I would go. It's a wonderful opportunity.

I could even help you pack.

Nah, they want to see America.

They're gonna do it here.

Here?

You mean "here" like the United States?

No, silly. Right here in town.

A one-month crash course,

and I do mean crash course!

Gee, where are you gonna stay?

Yeah. Somewhere in town?

I don't know.

I thought maybe I would move into the motel.

All the way out by the arena.

That's pretty far.

It makes sense.

I'll never get to see you, though.

Well, Debbie...

Yeah, hon?I think, um...

Maybe you could stay here.

Oh, no. I don't want to put you out.

No, I mean, for Sam, it would be good and...

Well, there's a couple of things we have to...

Debbie, I need to say something.

Look, Janet, before you say anything,

I got to get something off my chest.

You're driving me crazy.

I'm driving you crazy?

Look, this is your house. You live anyway you want.

But all this neatness, all this manners,

I'm just not used to it.

We never meant to make you feel uncomfortable.

Oh, it's not your fault. It's just that--

Okay, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

I'm a little sloppy.

Oh. I don't...No. Well, I...

Um, maybe untidy.

Little bit untidy.

Of course, that's what you'd say

'cause you're so darn polite,

but it's driving me up the wall.

Oh, this is driving me up a wall, too.

Ever since I came here, it's been,

"Debbie, make yourself at home.

Debbie, just act naturally. Just be yourself."

But when I do that,

I feel as out of place as you would in a roller derby.

Oh.So what you're saying is...

What?

Maybe around here,

I could be a little more like you guys.

Maybe just a little.

Okay by me.

Well, Sam,

let's see if there's anything to tidy up in the kitchen.

Okay, Mom.

Well, that went better than I thought it would.

What's that, dear?

Oh, nothing.

Gee, do you think this change in Debbie

will affect her performance?

[loud crash]

Sorry! I'll clean it up!

No, I don't know.

I don't think there's gonna be that big a change.

Mom, Mom, Dad!

You'll never guess what I found.

What is it, Ferguson?

Pride is restored to our lineage.

Behold!

Our great-great-great-granduncle

Jedediah Darling,

he made a fortune during the gold rush.

Yeah, hit the mother lode?

Dad, anyone could have done that.

This man was a visionary.

He sold saddlebags to all the chumps

who went out there panning for gold.

I wish I lived back then.

That makes two of us.

Janet, Marshall, your toaster in there,

is it dishwasher safe?

Oh, let us give you a hand in there, Debbie.

Well, I guess you can take Debbie out of the derby,

but you can't take the derby out of Debbie.

Let me get one more picture of you and that medal.

Cheese.Great!

That one can go on the cover of your report.

Now get one of me with Sam.

Okay.

Send me a copy.

You bet.Well, that's it then.

But, you know, I still can't figure out

that letter from Malaysia.

I know. It's a real mystery.

There is no roller derby in Malaysia.

They never heard of it.

Must have been some kind of hoax.

I guess.

Well, I better be going. The team bus is leaving soon.

Oh, good-bye, sweetie.Bye.

I can't say a big enough thank you to both of you

for everything you've done.

Oh, well, you know you're always welcome.

Anytime.

Next time in town, I'm heading straight here.

Deal?Deal.

Oh!Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I almost forgot.

My kitchen experiments,

I thought, you know, you'd like to have them.

No offense, Marshall, but I don't want them.

Well, why not?

Marshall, I'm not bad in the kitchen

because I'm inept.

Yeah.I just don't want to cook.

Oh.

Is not cooking so bad?

Bad?

Nah...

It's just you.

I guess. All right!

All right.Take care!

Bye! Safe trip!

[upbeat music]

♪ Naa naa na-na naa ♪

♪ Na na-na na naa ♪

♪ Naa naa na-na naa ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na naa ♪

♪ Naa naa na-na naa ♪

♪ Na na-na na naa ♪

♪ Naa naa na-na naa ♪