04x06 - Boy Thoughts

[bunniefuu]

There are many mysteries of modern science.

How small is the smallest particle?

What's the cure for the common cold?

And who can explain this?

It's baffling. It's befuddling.

It's known to great minds around the globe

as the boy brain.

Nobody knows for sure what makes it tick,

but it seems to operate in three distinct sections.

First, there's the Cere-Bottom-less Pit-eous.

This controls the most active single drive

in the boy brain...

the urge to eat.

Then there's the Inarticulus Major.

This is the part that connects what a boy is thinking

to what a boy is saying.

With her hair like that, she really looks cute.

She looks great.

She looks beautiful.

What are you thinking?

Are you hungry?

They're still working out the kinks on that one.

Then there's the built-in Hyper Locomotis.

This controls high motor skills

like running, jumping, air guitar.

[crash]

But not always at the same time.

So that's about it for my research

on the boy brain, but beware.

My theory is that when one boy brain

is placed within close proximity

to another boy brain,

near total brainlessness can occur.

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

How about Danny Steckel?

Great eyes. Walks funny.

He is goofy.

He's cute.

- Okay, I give him a . - .

..

Done.

We must be bored if we're actually reduced

to rating cute seniors.

Hey, better a cheap thrill than no thrill at all.

Besides, next step is Clifford Spleenhurfer.

We can't rate Clifford.

Why not?

Well, he's kind of...

on a scale of his own.

Fools!

Blind, pitiable fools!

First I print "The Wit and Wisdom

of Ferguson W. Darling."

Then I strategically place copies

around the school for distribution.

How will my voice be heard if no one dares to listen?

I'm sorry, did you say something?

Hey.

Hey.

So, Clifford, what have you been up to?

Same as always.

Detention at the Doughnut Hut.

I wish.

Every day, it's the same thing:

kids follow me,

ask me stuff.

It takes hours.

Sometimes they even form a line by the bike rack.

I thought the whole school was afraid of you.

That's the problem.

I don't get it.

It's always, "Clifford,

how do I scare my little brother?"

"Clifford, how do I fake my parents' signature?"

"Clifford, where can I find

an affordable pair of brass knuckles?"

It's a big responsibility,

and responsibility always does one thing to me.

Makes you hungry?

How'd you guess?

Are you still here?

I know I'm gone.

I've watchedGodzilla, Jaws,andAliens

a combined total of times,

and I will not watch Clifford eat.

Adieu.

So what do you think?Pizza?

Sure.

It's that old Cere-Bottom-less Pit-eous again.

You know, understanding parts of Clifford's personality

is as easy as pie,

as in large with extra cheese, pepperoni, onion...

Clifford, how can you still be eating?

You just devoured a pizza.

I don't know, but nothing makes me hungrier

than downing a couple of slices.

Okay, you can relax now. It's all set.

What are you talking about?

Get ready for the biggest television event

since MacNeil met Lehrer.

Why, is something good on?

Not yet, but there will be.

In fact, I just cut a deal

with the local cable access company.

You mean you paid the standard fee

for public access that anyone can pay?

Maybe.

Bottom line, every day for the next week,

I will own, run, and operate

my very own public access television series.

I can see it now,

the all-dweeb network.

You're going to star on TV?

No.

You're gonna star on TV.

Me?

- Him? - You, baby. You.

Cliff, here's the pitch.

Cliff-- can I call you Cliff?

- No. - Decisive.

I like that.

Cliff, I heard about your little problem.

The kids are nuts about you.

They wanna hear you speak.

Put together my brains and your...

Self, and I think we're looking at -B entertainment.

-B?

Big, big, big!

Cliff, what do you say?

- Give it up. - I don't know.

TV?

Sounds like a lot of work.

Work? A mere minutes a day.

Oh, compare that with the time you'd spend giving advice

at the school yard.

Let's see, minutes on TV a day

or hours by the bike rack each week.

That's...

Well, it's got to be less, right?

Perk number one, Cliff.

You can stop listening anytime.

Be on my show, and I'll give you...

free doughnuts,

a primo parking space for your bike,

and maybe even school credit.

Free doughnuts?

He can't deliver half the stuff he's promising.

Think of all the babes who will be watching.

Free doughnuts and babes?

Hey, hey, hey!

Clifford, I can't believe

you'd even think about doing this.

Say you'll do it.

I'll do it.

Excellent.

Stick with me, kid.

I'm gonna make you a star.

Great.

Whenever Ferguson gets near something I like,

it always ends up making me sick.

Well, it's only for a week.

How much damage can he do in a week?

Dad, are you sure

you don't want any help with that?

Ferguson, for the millionth time,

this is a delicate piece of equipment,

and it has to be used in a very special way,

okay?

Now, if I can only remember what that way is.

Boy, this thing's a lot trickier than it looks.

[groans]

Oh.

Here we go.

Ah!

Oh!

Well, it's a lot trickier than it looks to me, anyway.

Well, if it don't work, plug it in.

Yeah.

So...

what do I do?

Just love the camera.

- Okay. - Whoa! Whoa! Hold the phone.

This is a closed set.

Oh, come on, Ferguson.

All right, but if you're here just to make fun,

you're gonna have to leave.

Ferg, please, we're here for emotional support.

- You ready, Ferguson? - Break a leg.

Okay, uh...

ready, Cliff? Stay loose, big guy.

Be who you are because...

you're the most qualified,got it?

I guess.

Okay. Uh...

ready and...

Action!

Action means go.

Oh, okay.

We'll try it again.

Ready and...go!

Okay.

Uh, Clifford,

go means do something.

I am doing something.

I'm being myself.

Yes, yes, true, true.Great.

But, um, this time,

do whatever you're doing,

only do it out loud.

Say whatever you're thinking.

Ohhh.

Yeah.Okay.

Uh...

Do something!

Okay.

Hey, you ever wonder

how come spit can hang out of your mouth.

I mean, like,

just before it hits your little sister,

you suck it back up.

How come that isn't recognized as an organized sport?

I mean, synchronized swimming is.

Well, you could do it after school,

most places,

so why not cool stuff like dribbling spit?

Great, Cliffy! Great!

Mom, Dad, what did you think?

Well, um, I've always been a fan of free-form poetry.

I thought it was very descriptive.

Yeah.

So what'd you think? Pretty great, huh?

Um,

I don't know about this, Clifford.

I mean is, that really the way you want to look on TV?

Okay, okay.

I'll comb my hair,

but I'm not using mousse.

No, no.

Clifford, you don't understand.

Um...

I think this could be a big mistake.

The whole show?

The whole show.

That's just because you're a girl.

Ferguson was right.

There are forces trying to keep the male point of view off TV.

I hate to be critical,

but that was totally b*at.

They're gonna look like fools.

That's nothing new for Ferguson,

but Clifford?

His only hope is a quick cancellation.

So why not cool stuff like dribbling spit?

Hey, Clarissa, it's on!It's on!

[announcer] Next on public access television...

Oh, I can't watch.

[announcer] It'sBoy Thoughts,

starring Ferguson Darling and Clifford Spleenhoffer.

Hurfer!

[announcer] A thousand pardons.

I can't believe it. That's your brother!

Ew, he's even more repulsive than he is in person.

Thank you.

I'm Ferguson Darling, and this isBoy Thoughts.

On my left is the fellow you know,

respect, and soon will speak with directly,

Mr. Clifford Spleenhurfer.

And now here's Clifford!

Say hello, Clifford.

Anytime today, big fella.

It's a two-syllable word. It starts with an H.

Hi.

It's a start.

Poor Clifford.

You tried to warn him.

Okay, let's start with something

you're a little more comfortable with.

Cliff, forget about the camera.

What's on your mind?

- Soup. - What?

I hate soup.

You can't chew it, you can't drink it,

and it never fills you up.

Soup, total rip-off.

And you know what else?

Don't let me stop you.

They ought to have this big contest

where the winner gets to set off this huge mudslide

using dynamite.

That'd be cool.

You know I'd enter.

And there's still one thing I can't figure out.

Lay it on me.

Okay, the crew onStar Trek is pretty tough, right?

Could they b*at the Dallas Cowboys?

In football?

Yeah, but then a fight afterward,

you know, to make it even.

This is scary. Is that all guys think about?

I have four brothers.

If you think that's bad,

you should hear the way they talk about girls.

Now, Cliff, let's talk about girls.

Okay.

You know what bugs me about them?

Why do they always giggleso much

when all that I said was hi?

I don't get it.

And why do they always go to the mall in packs?

Do they get discounts for that?

These are the questions that matter.

But now, Cliff,

isn't there something that really bugs you

about girls?

Like what?

Oh, I don't know.

Let's keep it hypothetical.

Now, say, for instance,

that you knew a girl named...

Blarissa.

Uh-huh.

And say she had this friend. We'll call her Bolivia.

Got it?

- Sure. - Okay.

Now say these two girls actually made a list

that ranked cute senior boys.

"Outdated practice," you say.

Well, say this list actually looked like this.

Can I get a close-up here?

- How'd they get that? - I thought you threw it out.

I thought you did.

Now, Clifford,

as the voice of our generation,

would you call these two boneheads?

Yeah. Totally.

Okay, you heard it here first,

straight from Clifford himself...

Blarissa and Bolivia,

boneheads!

That's all the time we have for today.

Tune in tomorrow...

Assuming you're gonna live that long.

ToBoy Thoughts.

Bye-bye!

[announcer] Boy Thoughtsis owned, run,

and operated by Ferguson Darling.

Any resemblance of anyone to anyone living or dead

is purely coincidental.

Hey, Bolivia.

Yeah, Blarissa?

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Yep.

When Ferg-wad gets home,

his resemblance to anyone dead

will not be coincidental.

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

Okay, it wasn't bad enough I got humiliated on television,

but now the impossible has happened.

Boy Thoughtsis a hit.

All week long, I've been having the feeling

this is leading up to something big,

brought to you by Ferguson's tiny little brain.

Here's a look at the countdown so far.

On Tuesday, they explored their innermost thoughts

and feelings on beverage products.

[belches]

Oh! Five seconds, even!

[groans] Now, that's what I call a quality burp.

It says high carbonation... [belches]

And just the right amountof syrup

and the classic can taste.

[belches]

Then Wednesday,

Clifford spoke directly with his fans.

On the phone, we have Billy from Idle Park.

Billy, what's your question for Clifford?

My brother farted in my face, and it made me really angry.

What should I do?

Does he have toy trucks?

Sure. He loves that stuff.

Does your dad have a toolbox?

Yeah.

Okay. Listen carefully.

First you take the...

Thursday ratings skyrocketed

as Clifford went into true-confessions mode.

I keep having this dream

where I'm late for school and I'm running,

you know, to catch up to the school bus

and I'm not wearing any pants.

One day, I'm just gonna do it,

and then, you know,

I won't keep having this dream anymore.

That was beautiful, man.

On Friday, they ran out of things to talk about,

so they introduced Science Corner,

where Clifford tested

how far he could make Captain Action fly

using nothing but his wits, a lighter,

and his brother's old chemistry set.

Meanwhile Olivia and I are still working out

a way to get back at them.

She's down at the cable company right now,

demanding equal time.

As forBoy Thoughts, tonight's the big show,

the show Ferguson claims will be the ultimate episode.

Personally, I'm afraid to think about the possibilities.

Hey, Clarissa.

Hey, Olivia.

- How'd it go? - Not so hot.

The cable access people are booked solid.

Mimsy Dimsdale snagged the last decent time slot.

What's Mimsy Dimsdale gonna do with it,

show off her stupid stuffed animal collection?

Who cares?

Well, scratch our plans for getting on TV.

Yeah.

Uh-oh, ego-swelling on the horizon.

I'll catch you later.

So which one do you think?

Which one do I think what?

Should I wear for the show tonight?

I don't know, Cliff. They're both so pungent.

Thanks.

Are you mad about something?

What? Me?

No! Mad?

Why? Yeah, I am.

All you've been doing this whole week

isBoy Thoughts.

So what?

So you've been doing it with Ferguson.

You two don't belong together.

It's like pizza and sauerkraut.

I eat that.

No, you don't understand.

I don't like what you're becoming.

He's manipulating you.

Hey, I go my own way.

You might be going it alone,

without me.

You might want to think about that.

All right.

I will.

But right now, I gotta split.

- What? - Sorry, sis.

That's showbiz.

That does it.

As far as I'm concerned,

that boy's out of this girl's thoughts

for good.

Hey, Mom, can I ask you something?

sh**t.

Well, basically it's about the difference

between boys and girls.

Oh.

Well, we can talk about that again if you want.

See, when a man and a woman love each other...

No, Mom,

we already had that talk.

This is about...

Well, what do you do

when you get really mad at somebody?

Well, it depends how mad you are

and who you're mad at.

Pretty mad. And Clifford.

This wouldn't have anything to do withBoy Thoughts,

would it?

Yeah, I mean, look at what he's become.

Well, sweetheart,

we don't necessarily know what he's become.

Maybe he'll pass right through this

on his way to becoming something you'll like.

Maybe. Is there any way to make sure of that?

Well, if you really care,

the best way I know how to influence someone

is to stick around them.

So you think I should give him another chance?

Couldn't hurt.

Okay, but just one.

Well, there you go.

And he better not blow it.

Well, he's blowing it.

Clifford was supposed to meet me here ten minutes ago,

and he's late.

Waiting for Cliff?

That could take a while.

What?

Hey, wardrobe and makeup calls.

Clifford doesn't wear makeup,

and his wardrobe consists of the same T-shirt,

jean, and boot ensemble

he's worn since the sixth grade.

Not tonight, he won't.

I've got some very important people

coming to tonight's taping.

We hit it big and we could go national.

Good, let's hope that nation is Brazil.

Yeah, you'll say you knew me when.

Are you kidding? I'm sorry I know you now.

The show can't possibly go on national TV.

Ferguson and Clifford,

in front of the whole country,

night after night after night?

Now, we're back again with Bobo the psychic monkey.

The psychic monkey, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, I understand that you can't stay.

But, then, you knew that before I did.

Hey-o!

Ha-ha-ha!

And now our next guest is the author of the book

everyone is talking about,

The World According to Clarissa.

Yes, indeed!

Ha-ha-ha!

Now, Ferg.

Ferg, that wasn't even a joke.

Makes no difference to me.

Ha-ha-ha!

All right, then.

Let's bring her out.

Meet Miss Clarissa Darling.

So... tell us about your book.

Well, Clifford,

I've always been interested in expressing myself,

and I thought this was a good opportunity to...

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all the time we have for now.

Good night.

Ha-ha-ha!

That does it.

Clifford's had his chance.

I'm going down to the studio, let him know we're through--

live and in person.

I like it. It speaks to me.

It says Rush Limbaugh.

This must be the place.

So this is where the magic happens.

Yeah, right.

You gonna tell him now or after the show?

I don't want to hang around here.

I think I'll get it over with.

All right, here's the topics for tonight, big guy.

Stick to them like cheese on a burger.

Written down?

You never had to write them down before.

Relax, it's just for tonight,

you know, for the sponsors.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta pre-tape some commercials.

Commercials?

That's right, sis.

I got sponsors lined up from here to next Tuesday.

You ready, Ralphie?

You got it, Chief.

In , , , , and...

Good evening.

I'm Ferguson Darling with a word

from our first sponsor,

Puppo, the dog food that fights plaque.

Uh, Clifford, I have to talk to you about something.

It's about us.

Huh?

Okay. In just a minute, though.

What is this stuff?

Who cares?

I'm trying to tell you something.

This stuff does look familiar.

What do you mean?

Clifford, this is the same stuff

that was in "The Wit and Wisdom

of Ferguson W. Darling."

That stupid newsletter Ferguson printed up

and nobody wanted to read.

"My thoughts on stamp collecting.

"My thoughts on state capitals.

My thoughts on savings"?

I don't think about any of this stuff.

It all makes sense.

Ferguson creates this popular show...

With this popular puppet boy.

Hey.

And once he's got a big fat audience...

Boy Thoughts becomesFerg Thoughts.

Okay.

I know just what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna pound him.

And remember, "clean as a hound's tooth"

never meant so much until there was Puppo.

We'll be right back with our show.

down, to go.

All right, Cliff, baby, you ready to do your stuff?

You bet. You little creep!

You just wanted me to read your little newsletter, didn't you?

You didn't care about my thoughts,

just my status, my aura,

my cachet, my je ne sais quoi.

You're right, Clarissa, he does have a vocabulary.

Clifford, you really don't want to hurt me, do you?

Oh, yes, I do.

Now, what would hurt the most?

Try his ego.

Yeah.

I think you might be right.

You're on in seconds!

Ferg-wad, good-bye.

Where are you going?

I'm leaving the show.

Call it creative differences.

You--you--you'll never work in this town again!

- Five seconds! - Oh, that's okay.

People will respond to me.

I'm here. No problem.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

And , , , ...

Good evening.

I'm Ferguson Darling

with our new and improved Boy Thoughts.

Now let's get down to the topics

you want to talk about.

Topic number one... chess,

the manly advantage.

Don't be shy. Call in now.

Tell me what you think.

[phone rings]

Yes?

What happened to Cliff?

Oh, he's on hiatus.

You want infotainment, talk to me.

[line clicks, dial tone hums]

Okay.

Next caller.

Lines are open.

Next caller?

Uh... anytime today, folks.

Five dollars to the next caller?

[phone rings]

Now we're talking.

Boy Thoughts.

Hello, little Fergy-poo.

I'm so happy.

I can see my little man on television.

Aunt Dory! Jeez!

Oh!

Wrong number.

Excuse me.

Sis, please, you gotta help me out.

I got sponsors out there.

I got to deliver something, anything.

Hey, we got dead airtime here!

Please, I'm begging.

Begging with dignity, yes, but begging.

- Nah! - Nah!

Please!

I love making him do that.

- After you. - After you.

Good evening.

Regularly scheduled programming will not be seen tonight

so we can bring you this special presentation.

Welcome to...

Not a Thought Between Us,

starring Clarissa Darling...

And Olivia DuPris.

Tonight's topic...

the boy brain: thr*at or menace?

Call in now and let us know what you think.

- Hi, Mom. Hi, dad. - Hey.

Hi, guys. How was the movie?

I liked it, but they didn't blow up enough cars

for Clifford's taste.

How can they not blow up cars? It's a movie.

I bet you kids get swamped everywhere you go

now that you're big deal TV stars.

Ex-TV stars.

I'm through withBoy Thoughts.

Besides, we're yesterday's news.

You should see what everybody's into now.

Plush Thoughts, starring Mimsy Dimsdale.

I don't get it myself,

but the kids love it.

We're talking -B entertainment here.

Plush Thoughts?

Don't look at me, Mom.

When it comes to the TV, I'm glad to be off the air.

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na-na