04x04 - Roadtrip

[bunniefuu]

Zen masters say that with the right mental attitude,

you can transcend any physical experience.

I'd like to see a Zen master spend the day

in the backseat of the Darling family car.

We leave next weekend for our annual vacation,

hours of driving,

and I want it to go right this year,

so along with sitting in one spot for hours,

you know, just to practice,

I've also been working on my attitude.

Hey, it worked for Buddha.

And if the past is any indication,

I'll have to do some major transcending.

I'll never forget that one year.

We were at Lake Winnemucca,

and we had plenty of opportunity

for water sports.

[thunder booms]

Unfortunately, it was all indoor water sports.

Then there was the year we went

in search of Winnemucca wildlife.

Only to find it was pretty tamed.

Then, last year, on the way up to the lake,

I finally got to sit behind the wheel of a moving vehicle.

Of course, it wasn't moving all that fast.

Thanks to Lake Winnemucca,

the word "vacation" is synonymous

with the word "disaster."

But this year, I'm totally psyched.

Why?

Because we're not going to Lake Winnemucca.

Finally, a trips that's worthwhile.

We're going to the Grand Canyon.

I've always wanted to see it.

And I'm determined to enjoy myself.

In fact, everyone is...

the whole family...

in one car.

I better put my Zen into overdrive.

[gong sounds]

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

"One visit tells you why they call the Grand Canyon grand.

"You gaze across miles of time

"in stillness and descend into a world of dashing streams,

waterfalls, green fields, ruby-colored walls."

Oh, it sounds beautiful.

"And for the vacationing family,

the options are endless-- hiking, camping, canoeing,

water-skiing nearby, and donkey rides on the trail."

Hey, I've even got my own donkey.

Ha-ha!

Close. Donkeys go "hee-haw."

This is gonna be a big change from my usual vacation

at Lake Winnemucca.

You mean, lake yucky-mucca.

Don't even mention that place.

You could invoke the Darling family vacation curse.

This vacation sounds wonderful.

Yeah.

Now I've mapped out a route. Take a look.

See, by avoiding the major highways,

we'll minimize the boredom.

We could take the interstate,

however, County Road runs almost--

Whoa, Dad. Pull over.

What's the matter, Ferguson?

County Road ?

Bumpy, winding County Road ?

Up and down, up and down.

Are you sure that's the best way to go?

Well, it's the most scenic. Why?

Well, when our nation's taxpayers shell out

billions of dollars

to create an interstate highway system

that's the envy of the world,

well, I think we ought to use it.

That's all.

Is that it?

I'm a little worried about my tummy.

Oh, Ferguson,

I'm sure you've outgrown your motion sickness.

Fat chance.

We'll hit that first dip in the road,

and he'll turn into Linda Blair from "The Exorcist."

Hey, I know,

why don't we just let's strap him to the roof with ropes?

Just because I have a delicate digestive system

doesn't mean my vacation has to be ruined.

So, Dad,

could I plan the route?

Oh, I don't know.

Dad, I promise to include interesting sights

along the way, and you won't be bored.

Well...

It would mean a lot to me.

Not to mention the car's upholstery.

Okay.

All right. Great!

You won't regret this.

How come those words sound so ominously familiar?

I still say we bring the ropes, just in case.

Clarissa, you guys are gonna get through this

without fighting, aren't you?

Mom, I'm so psyched about the Grand Canyon

nothing could wreck it for me, not even Ferguson.

Oh, good.

I have enough to think about with taking the car in

for service, and packing,

and preparing food for the--

Food? You're making food?

Well, sure, dear. Why?

Well, it just that it's vacation.

Don't we usually eat out?

This is over a thousand miles,

not some short drive to Lake Winnemucca

where we know all the healthy restaurants.

Okay.

How about this?

I'll make stuff for us to eat.

You will?

Oh, that would be wonderful

if you would take over cooking duties, Clarissa.

It's your vacation, too, right, Mom?

Just leave it to me.

Oh, well, at least take some of my travel recipes.

These are pretty easy--

coconut cornmeal energy bars, mung bean chewies...

Sure, Mom. I'll look them over.

I don't know why, but I have such a good feeling

about this trip.

And now that I'm planning the menu,

I have a good feeling about this trip, too.

Let's see.

Peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches,

popcorn balls, chocolate-covered pretzels.

So far, this vacation is underway with enthusiasm

at full throttle.

I mean, it is a little scary letting Ferguson navigate,

and my promising to cook may have been wrong turn,

but at least it's better fuel than Mom's road food.

I guess those are just minor details,

nothing that's gonna get in the way of a good time.

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Hey, Clarissa.

So how's your story coming along?

I don't know.

I thought writing a horror story would be easy,

I mean, with my dad being a writer

and all those visits to my aunt at the institution.

What's the problem?

I just don't like any of the ideas

I've come up with.

Here.

The "Clothesline k*ller"?

It's about a crazy nanny.

"Mole Man"?

It's about a guy who spends too much time in the basement.

Cool.

What's this? "The Safety Belt Slaughterer"?

You know those a*t*matic safety belts

that close around you when you start your car?

Yeah.

Imagine one getting tighter and tighter and tighter--

I'd rather not.

So you want to help?

Looks like you're doing fine without me, Sam.

Besides, I'm in too good a mood to think gruesome.

But I thought you're going on a vacation with your family?

I am.

But, Clarissa, you hate vacations with your family.

Yeah. But this is the Grand Canyon.

What about the ride?

I'll get through it.

Are you sure?

I mean, how many hours of license plate bingo

can you take,

and what about your brother, old faithful,

spewing at regular intervals?

Whoa! No negative baggage, Sam.

This trip, I'm packing a positive attitude.

Hi, Mom.Oh.

Hi, honey, can you give me a hand?

Sure, Mom. What's up?

Can you just hold this lock in place?

No problemo.

I wouldn't want to leave this loose

while we're out of town.

[grunts]

You're not afraid of a break-in, are you?

No. I'll just enjoy myself more

if I know everything's secure back home.

I really should fix this step while I'm at it.

That's thoughtful, Mom.

This way, if the burglars need to reach something high up,

they won't fall off the ladder.

Very funny.

Why does every job make me think of three more?

Tell me about it.

I haven't even started picking tapes for the road.

Oh, you're bringing tapes?

Sure. Why?

Well, I just thought we'd try something different this time,

Clarissa.

What do you have in mind?

The library had these wonderful books-on-tape.

And look at these great travel games.

No offense, Mom.

But I'm a little old for travel games.

Oh, Clarissa, it is my vacation, too.

Let's try something besides Arrested Development

this time, okay?

No Arrested Development?

Well, okay.

I want this trip to go as smoothly as possible.

Well, we've hit our first speed bump.

I was talking to the travel agent,

and if we want to stay on budget,

we're gonna have to rethink our motel options.

What's available in our price range?

Okay, let's see.

There's the Lakeview Inn, but they don't have a pool.

Lakeview, so there's a lake, right?

There used to be. Now there's a plastics factory.

There's a available, The Roomy Arms motor lodge,

and they do have a pool.

So we can stay there.

Yeah, except the kids are gonna have to share a room

with us and sleep on cots.

You mean all of us breathing the same oxygen?

We better talk about this.

I'll get Ferguson.

Well, Mom,

if we want to keep this vacation rolling along,

we're gonna have to roll with the punches.

I don't know why planning a vacation is hard.

I mean, I know what vacations would be like if I had my way.

[relaxing music playing]

More punch, dear?

Thanks.

And could you change the tape in this tape player?

Certainly, dear.

Will you be needing the car today?

That's all right.

I think I'll drive myself.

but you better leave the keys.

Certainly.

Sis! Sis, please let me out!

Please!

Let me out, please!

Stop!

Please!

Oh, well.

So much for wishful thinking.

But even if this vacation is less than perfect,

at least we all agreed to get along.

Janet.

Guys, I want to get this decided once and for all, okay?

Oh. Did you tell Ferguson about the hotels?

Well, it's a choice between the Lakeview...

With no lake view.

And the Roomy Arms...With no rooms.

Marshall, the rate on these rooms is a lot cheaper

than we agreed to spend.

Can't we afford something better?

Well, we could.

But there wouldn't be enough money for the camera.

Well, we've already got a camera.

Yeah, but not a professional panoramic camera.

Panoramic camera?

Since when are we buying one of those?

Well, I just assumed since we're going to one

of the most breathtaking sites on earth

that we would want to capture it on film.

Oh, so we're gonna squeeze in like sardines

just so you can take some extra-wide pictures?

Let's talk about this later.

It's not enough we have to ride there all packed in

no music to listen to--

Oh, what do you mean no music? Is the radio broken?

Mom wants to listen to books-on-tape.

All the way?

Well, the kids fight over music, and then there's...

[chuckles]

Never mind.

What?

Well, I probably shouldn't say it, but, uh...

You sing along.

You don't like it when I sing with the radio?

Well, you do it all the time.

You guys don't like my singing?

Dad, your voice is one of a kind.

It's classic.

But it doesn't really go with Arrested Development.

I can't believe you never told me this.

Let's talk about it later.

Don't worry, Dad.

I've got the perfect route planned.

Really?This should be good.

Ferguson, you've got nothing here but superhighways.

What about all the interesting sights along the way?

Dad, what could be more interesting than a trip to...

Petro Park?

Petro Park?

This is some stupid gas station in Iowa.

Stupid? It's the world's biggest.

Plus, there are rides.

Yeah, but why would we want to visit a gas station?

Dad, this guy who built this is a visionary.

It's an architectural wonder.

You follow billboards for miles

just to see what the whole big deal is.

And by the time you get there, you're out of gas.

I have to shake his hand!

Yeah.

Maybe the next trip.

Oh, Dad!

Well, at least the food will be great.

Oh, so you used my recipes I gave you?

Well, actually I thought we'd try some other stuff.

You know, things that travel well.

Like?

Double fudge brownies.

Clarissa Marie Darling!

Hey, it's vacation.

When you have a vacation,

you want to eat something different.

I mean, otherwise they wouldn't call it vacation.

They call it the same old thing.

Fine!

Oh, wait, Mom. I mean--

Nice move, sis. The epitome of diplomacy.

Okay. That's it.

This is no way to start a vacation.

Now we're a family.

We put this time aside to spend together.

We're gonna have a good time if it kills us.

♪ Na na na-na-na

"The Galaxy Motel was silent that night

"except for two lonely sounds--

"the krrr-krrr

"of footsteps on the pavement

"and the kerchung of the ice machine

"as another load emptied into the bin.

"Behind that imposing chrome receptacle,

"a man stood waiting.

"He listened to footsteps approaching

and raised his ice tongs in readiness."

So that's what I'm up to?

What do you think?

It's real good, Sam.

I don't know.

How come?

I mean, a stalker who hides behind motel ice machines

and att*cks travelers?

Does that sound like anything that could really happen?

Sure.

It's probably what my Mom will do to me

at the first motel we stop at.

I thought you apologized after ragging on her food.

I did.

I even offered to make mung bean chewies.

But I think hit a nerve.

Boy,

I thought the Darling vacation curse only applied

when we drove to Lake Winnemucca.

It's really bad around here, huh?

Yeah.

My parents are having it out right now.

And your positive attitude, what happened to that?

My positive attitude seems to be the only thing on vacation.

Hey... It will come back.

No vacation lasts forever, unless it's a vacation in hell.

Wow! Great title!

Maybe I'll use that in my story.

The images just keep pouring into my head.

Make sure you get them down on paper.

Yeah, better.

See you later.See you.

Okay, pack your bags and travel along with me

as I take a break for a vacation update.

My dad promised not to sing in the car.

But he's making up for it by singing even louder

in the shower.

And we haven't even left yet.

With mom looking over my shoulder,

coming up with healthy road food

I can stomach is a real burden to bear.

And Ferguson is still hooked on taking the family

to the Grand Canyon by way of Petro Park.

But Dad put the brakes on that plan.

Zen masters say we're supposed to relinquish

all worldly desire, and that's cool

because I abandoned all hope of having a good time.

All right, your mother and I got together

and calmly...

And rationally...

Discussed the situation without any...

any...

Your father means that we talked it over.

Yes. We talked it over.

And everything's fine.

Fine.

Okay. We'll buy that. So now what?

So now we think everyone should negotiate and compromise.

Your father's agreed to rent

a panoramic camera instead of buying one...

Which will save enough money

so that we can rent a decent motel room.

Room?Rooms.

And your mother says everyone will get a chance to pick

what goes into the tape player.

We'll take turns.Yeah.

And we can sing our hearts out.

Within reason.I know that. I know that.

Okay.

Now, kids, we want you to make some concessions, too.

Ferguson, pick a route that the whole family will enjoy.

And, Clarissa, we need good food snacks for the ride.

Okay, Mom.That are also healthy.

The important thing you need to do is to think about all of us.

And not just yourselves.Yes.

And to sacrifice for the good of the family.

Like your father and I did.

Must have been some fight.Major.

Okay.

I made some test batches of some of Mom's recipes.

I found they fall into one of three food groups--

un-chewable...

un-digestible,

and unrecognizable.

Why do they call it health food

when even looking at it makes you sick?

Oh, what's that luscious aroma?

Ferg-wad, stay out of the kitchen

when I'm cooking or I might mistake you for a vegetable.

Oh!

Tell me that's clay and you're taking up pottery.

It's going to be oatmeal raisin bars.

And you are going to love them.

It's inedible.

Actually, it's un-digestible, but that's beside the point.

I hope your new route takes us past a lot of fast-food places.

Well, here's the new plan.

While it does eliminate Petro Park--

a tremendous personal sacrifice,

I might add--

I have found a way to get us to the Grand Canyon

that takes us near

the cola can house in Okoboji, Iowa,

and the international currency museum

in Kearney, Nebraska.

You think Mom and Dad are gonna agree to that,

a museum for money and a house made of soda cans?

And you think Mom and Dad will allow us to stop

at every burger joint we pass?

Knowing Mom, we'll eat your raisin-flavored cement

the whole way.

You're right.

We got to figure something out fast.

Tell you what.

You agree to my route.

Make a real big deal out of it,

like...

you think it's a great idea to see these places.

Why would I do that?

Because...

you play ball with me, and I'll conveniently "lose"

your cooler healthy treats

at the first accessible rest stop.

It will be fast food

all the way from here to Arizona.

Deal?

Deal.

Boy, sometimes having a sneaky rat

for a brother can work to your advantage.

Could this be a change for the Darling family?

What if we all started to getting along and liking it?

This vacation could bring out the best in the Darlings,

just like Swiss Family Robinson.

They got shipwrecked and stranded

on a desert island, and they got along great.

Hey, if they can do, we can do it.

Ferguson, dear brother,

are you nearly finished repairing that pipe organ

we rescued from our sunken ship?

Oh, very nearly.

It was easy, thanks to father's plans.

It was your mother's idea.

Oh, inspired by your sister's love of music.

And when I'm finished,

perhaps father will favor us with a sing.

Oh, yes! Daddy, do!

Oh, Father, you must. You must.

Well, all right,

if you insist, but only for the good of the family.

I'll finish right after supper.

What are we having?

The fish your mother caught...

That your sister cleaned...

With the shell your father sharpened...

That you found on the beach.

Now, what would we do without each other.

[g*nsh*t]

What was that?

A sh*t!

Could it be?

Pirates!

Get out of my way!

That's mine!

Hey, hands off.

I need it more than you do.

Take my sister! Just please, spare me!

Ah!

Oh, forget it.

If we were shipwrecked,

this family would need four separate islands.

Hey, wait a minute.

That's another good idea--

a family vacation without the family.

Hmm...

Maybe next year.

Are you sure, I mean,

even if we spend more or stay farther away?

No, I understand. It's not your fault.

Okay, um...

Yeah, we'll call you back. Bye.

What's the problem, Dad?That was the travel agent.

What did she say?Nothing good.

[Ferguson] Hi, mom.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Mom. You're just in time for Dad's bad news.

Oh, no, thanks, dear. I already have some of my own.

Why? What happened to you?

You go first.

I waited too long to make the motel reservations.

So now there's not a room for miles,

even at twice the price.

Oh, no.

Yeah. So it looks like we're stuck at the Roomy Arms.

Well, that's not so bad, is it? I mean, they have a pool.

It's being painted.

Oh, man.

My turn.

I just picked up the car from the mechanic's.

Don't say it.

Oh, no, the car is fine, only...

What, Mom?

I tried one of those books-on-tape

and the player ate it.

Yes! Oh. Sorry, Mom.

I can't get it out,

and it won't switch to the radio.

It's awful. Total silence.

We are driving to the Grand Canyon

in total silence?

Well...It could be worse.

I mean, At least Ferguson's promised us a great drive.

Dad, I've done my best to incorporate the wishes

and needs of every one of us.

It's a totally stupid route and I hate it.

You think? I thought we had a deal!

Let's just face it. This whole trip is a bust.

Look, why are we doing this to ourselves, huh?

It's the Darling vacation curse.

It's got us again.

We probably better off just staying home.

I hate to admit it, but I have to agree.

All right.

I'll call the travel agent

and have her cancel everything.

You know,

this reminds me of the time

we were up at Lake Winnemucca.

Do you remember when they lost our cabin reservations?

Don't remind me. We slept in the car that night.

Sleep?

Who could sleep?

Not me, thanks to Dad's goofy animal imitations.

Goofy? What was goofy?

I thought I did a very good squirrel.

[mimics squirrel]Stop!

Whoa, Connie, it's Marshall Darling.

Yeah, I can hold.

I remember waking up the next morning to those songbirds.

Oh, I always love the birds up at Lake Winnemucca.

Hey, do you remember

that great breakfast that I made?

Oh, yeah, with the frying pan on the engine block.

Who could forget the smell of crisp bacon

and exhaust fumes?

Yeah. Well, don't exaggerate. Yeah, the toast wasn't bad.

I remember eating pretty well that trip.

Hey, what about The Lobster Bib?

Ooh, that was a great restaurant.

Oh, I've never had a bigger, sweeter lobster my whole life.

Oh, Lake Winnemucca--

they all know us up there, even the hardware store

used to let me cash your travelers' checks,

right, Dad?

My favorite part was going out to the middle of the lake,

putting the headphones on

and cranking the volume up to .

Hey, is anybody thinking what I'm thinking?

Janet, what do you think?

Well, I think it would be a shame

to waste the vacation here at home.

Connie, hi.

You know, maybe we'll go to the Grand Canyon

next year. Yeah.

Could you get us our regular cabin

at Lake Winnemucca?

Wow. This is totally cool, Clarissa.

Thanks.

Where did you find it?

There's this used bookstore not far from Lake Winnemucca.

We must have passed it every year.

I never noticed it.

"The Sleepwalking Slayer," "Headless Henrietta,"

"The Capshaw Cannibals."

Well, it's got a lot of horror stories,

but none like mine.

The ice machine guy?

No. I dumped that.

I came up with something I like even better--

about a range k*ller

who hides inside the giant stuffed animals at carnivals,

waiting for some family to win him.

That's really twisted, Sam.

Thanks.

So spill it.

Was Winnemucca any better this year?

Nothing special to report.

There's a new ice cream place

and the bait store painted their sign.

Sounds real exciting.

Believe it or not, we had a lot of laughs.

Mom tried smiling whenever my dad sang.

Dad rented a really cool camera.

And by the last day, he finally figured out how to use it.

And I spent a lot of time

peacefully alone in the middle of a lake.

What about Ferguson?

He barfed the whole way home.

Aside from that, I'd say

it was the perfect Darling vacation.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na