03x06 - The Silent Treatment

[bunniefuu]

♪ [upbeat music]

- The human brain is an amazing thing.

The inventions we brought into this world.

Imagine it.

billion years of evolution to create... this.

- Hey! Over here!

- The mind boggles when you think about evolution,

especially when you realize our prehistoric ancestors.

couldn't think at all,

not with brains about as big as plums.

- Hey! Toss it back, will you?

- They crawled, ate roots and bark.

No one owned Frisbees.

The first giant leap was called "h*m* habilis".

Habilis created tools to hunt and dig.

He wasn't really human,

but at least he was smarter than a plum.

The next stage in development was h*m* erectus.

Erectus discovered fire.

Okay, so it wasn't the microwave,

but at least you could cook your food.

Maybe erectushad a bigger brain,

but he still smelled worse than a goat.

Then came h*m* sapiens,

modern humans, us.

h*m* sapiens discovered speech

so we could give voice to our minds

and express our emotions.

- Buh. [spits]

Pars...nip. Parsnip.

- Of course, some critters have more on their minds than others.

- Would you throw back the Frisbee already?

- Okay, I'll admit--learning to speak was a big development,

but I'd trade all of our finest achievements--

the a*t*matic teller machine, the five-speed transmission,

and chocolate chip milkshakes--

to never hear Ferguson speak again.

I wonder-- could I stand the peace?

- Thanks for nothing, barf-face.

- Could I ever be that lucky?

♪ [upbeat music]

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

All right, all right!

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

Way cool!

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

All right, all right!

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

Way cool!

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

Just do it!

♪

- Amazing. I can't believe it.

Canned carrots, only cents.

Whoa, what am I doing?

Who cares about a coupon for canned carrots?

I hate canned carrots.

And I hate clipping coupons.

It's a dangerous business.

What looks like a great deal in the newspaper

is no bargain on a dinner plate.

Of course, I wouldn't be here at all

except for this guy--

Fishface Eddie, the biggest gangster in the state,

and my mom's on the jury.

The papers are full of stuff about the trial,

so that's why she's not allowed to read the paper.

So who gets stuck doing coupons?

And that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

is the real human tragedy of organized crime.

- Done with the paper yet? - Why?

Did you mess all over the carpet again?

Bad dog, bad dog!

- Oh, you are in rare form today.

You mind hurrying up?

- Do you mind stuffing the sofa in your mouth?

- Okay, you just call me when you're done with the paper,

or if you need any help with the big words.

- Wait. What does this word mean?

"Fratricide."

- Oh, that means "k*lling your brother."

[chuckles] Very funny.

- Of course, there is a brighter side

to clipping coupons--

you control what the family eats,

and you learn how coupons save money.

For instance...

this is the saving on low-fat yogurt...

celery...

and calcium-enriched OJ.

Wimpy.

Now, here's what you save on candy...

fruit punch...

and single-serving strawberry cheesecake.

Huge.

Sure, the junk food costs more to start,

makes you fat, and rots your teeth.

But hey, look at the savings.

Won't Mom be proud?

- What is taking you so long?

- It was such a lovely family--

a father, a mother, a daughter--

when out of the ooze came something so vile--

- Look, enough. I just want the paper.

- And still, he speaks.

Well, I'll tell you, Ferg-burg.

I got distracted by this letter to the editor.

It's from your real parents... on Mars.

It says here they refuse to take you back

because they know how unpopular you are on Earth.

- Uh-huh, real funny. You know, you can just--

you're a... - Come on.

- You're a-- - Give me your best sh*t.

- You'd like that, wouldn't you?

So you can insult me again.

Well, maybe for once,

I won't give you that satisfaction.

- You mean you're speechless?

I can't believe it. My prayers are answered.

- Until you apologize for your constant insults,

I'm staying silent.

- Finally, peace and quiet.

- Quiet? Maybe.

Peace? I think not.

- Ferguson thinks not.

Truer words were never spoken.

Are you just gonna sit there saying nothing?

Are you trying to drive me crazy?

Did you know that sometimes, crazy people commit m*rder?

- Hey, guys. Is Mom home yet?

- Not yet, Dad.

Dad, let's say you wanted to k*ll your brother.

Would you get the chair or a medal?

- Clarissa, isn't one trial in this family enough?

- Look at him, Dad,

how he just sits there.

- He's doing nothing.

That's annoying you?

- He's doing nothing on purpose.

- Well, Clarissa, that is hardly a capital offense.

- Dad, he won't stop.

- Well, I don't know how to stop nothing.

Uh, wait a minute.

Is this the silent treatment?

- It's the silent treatment, all right.

- Ah, well, it's a classic.

And I gotta tell you, sport-- it's almost impossible to b*at.

I don't know what you did, but just go ahead and apologize

before it really gets to you.

- What, you think I can't get him to break down?

- Well, I've never seen it happen...

except for that one time with the Crackerderby brothers.

- Who were they?

- Well, I grew up with these guys,

Jim and Jeff Crackerderby.

Jim didn't talk to his brother for / years

until he finally spoke.

- What happened?

- Well, he finally yelled, "Watch out!"

just as Jeff got hit by the bus.

- Gross. - Hello, everybody.

- Hey! Look who's here.

How'd it go, hon? - Now, you know the rules.

No talking about the case.

- How can you sit on the jury

that is trying Fishface Eddie and not talk about it?

Especially the way they caught him--

the surveillance, the wiretap. - Yeah, and the paper says--

- Now, both of you, stop.

- Oh, come on.

We won't tell anybody. - No.

- Mom, you're acting like your own house is bugged.

- Don't be silly, they wouldn't do that.

I mean, they do have all our names and addresses,

but, well--

testing, one, two, three.

Ferguson, you haven't said a word, are you all right?

- Ah, the silent treatment.

- Oh, with who, Clarissa? - Yeah.

- Oh, well, good luck, dear.

And, uh, Clarissa?

Strawberry cheesecakes?

There's no way I'm buying that.

- Shut up.

♪ [upbeat music]

What can make Ferguson break his silence?

Well, I could break his neck.

It's one of the different body parts that I've discovered,

when bent just so,

is guaranteed to produce at least an ouch.

But pain as a solution?

I don't know. I need a plan.

I need inspiration. I need help.

Hi, Sam.

You're just the man I wanna see.

- What's up?

- If you wanted to do something really awful to someone,

guaranteed to make them scream at you,

what would you do?

- That's easy, I'd ask you.

- Come on, Sam.

Ferg-face won't fight with me, and it's driving me nuts.

- Wait a minute.

I thought you hate fighting with him.

- Don't you see? Heisfighting by not fighting.

It's the ultimate battle between us,

worse than any fight before.

He's torturing me,

and he's using the silent treatment.

- Ooh, quit now. Just do whatever he wants.

Apologize and get it over with.

- No way.

Now, so far, I've come up with

tie-dyeing all of his underwear, but that's out

because I'd actually have to touch his underwear.

- Anything else?

- Well, I could mix shampoo with his mashed potatoes,

but why waste perfectly good shampoo?

- Well, there's something we used to do in Scouts

that got people pretty mad.

You wait until the guy's asleep,

and then you spread peanut butter

in between his toes.

- I don't know, seems pretty juvenile.

Chunky or plain?

- How far apart are his toes?

I'd stick to the plain.

- Tell me, Sam.

Is this what you guys learn in Scouts?

- Well, they try to teach you the basics so you grow up right.

- I'll try it, but somehow I think

I'm gonna need something more.

- Really?

- This is no human child we're talking about.

This is Ferguson.

♪

- Oh.

- Whoa. - Oh!

Whoa, Marshall.

Hi. - Hi.

- Um, were you just going into the kitchen?

- Yeah. - Oh.

Is everything all right?

- Oh, well, it's probably nothing to worry about,

but there was a little problem with the refrigerator,

so Stewie Stottenheimer sent over a repairman.

- Yeah. - Well, it was a new guy.

- Yeah.

- Well, how do I know if it was really one of Stewie's men?

It could've been... you know,

somebody working for the government

or, uh, Fishface Eddie.

- Janet.

You getting a little caught up in this trial or...?

- [scoffs] Marshall, if you only knew

how they planted that bug on Fishface, you would...

Let's just say I had no idea what they could do

with high-tech electronics and a bowl of stuffed olives.

- So you want me to, uh--

- Just check the fridge for anything out of the ordinary.

You know, like a microphone or something.

- A microphone?

- Shh, not so loud.

The cops could be listening or one of Fishface's g*ons.

- Excuse me. Can I get through?

- Mm.

- Everybody okay?

- Yeah.

- Oh, and Marshall?

Could you take these coupons in?

I mean, since you're going in anyway.

- Oh, sure, yeah, it's no problem.

- [laughs] Thanks, dear.

- Hey, sport, what's up?

- Tell me, Dad.

What is it about little brothers?

- Well, you have to give me more to go on, sport.

- Well, is there some magazine they get

with instructions on how to bother everyone?

Or is there some special skills class at school

the girls don't know about

where brothers learn their annoying little habits?

- Yeah, what habits are those?

- Well, you know, the little things

like opening their eyes in the morning,

yawning, breathing.

Is there some sixth sense they possess

which tells them to eat all the peanut butter

just when you've come up with a perfectly amazing use for it?

- Oh, boy, sport.

I have never seen the silent treatment work this fast.

I'm telling you, give it up.

Save yourself the frustration and live to fight another day.

- No way, I'm just warming up.

- Sport, I know this sounds crazy,

but have you noticed anything strange

about the fridge or, you know, what's in it?

- It's all pretty strange, Dad.

Haven't you noticed?

Mom does most of the cooking. - [chuckles]

♪ [upbeat music]

- I just don't know what it is about Ferguson

that keeps us locked in this constant,

tragic conflict.

He's like this inflamed tonsil

that just grinds and grinds at you.

Except, of course, tonsils can be removed.

No, it's more like when you bash your big toe on a table leg.

Every time you think it's finally healed,

you smack it into a door, and suddenly,

you remember your toe still hurts.

That's Ferg the Frog, all right, just a great, big, bashed toe

that just won't heal. [loud noise]

Hi, Sam.

- Hey, Clarissa.

I'm sorry, but we're all out of the straight stuff.

All we have was a kind of peanut butter

with jelly all swirled around inside it already.

- That's definitely gross enough.

But I'm on to something else.

This is my new computer-aided design software

from the friendly folks at Dr. t*rture.

Take a look. - Hey, cool.

- Here's how it works.

You design your project on the screen,

then use it as a blueprint in real life.

See?

When Ferg opens the door,

it spins the weighted bike wheel.

That tugs the cord on the plunger,

which pulls open the medicine chest door,

breaking this chain of toilet paper,

which sets off the final, awful step.

The frying pan falls-- splat!--

into a sink full of foamy, slimy muck.

Watch.

Out of the frying pan and into Ferg's face!

- That's truly disgusting.

- That'll make the neatness freak scream

and end this stupid silent treatment.

- You sure it'll work?

- Guaranteed.

I'm gonna nail that squirt.

- Clarissa, you can't call him "squirt" anymore.

He's been growing. He's taller than you are.

- There's height, and there's stature, Sam.

Never confuse the two.

♪ [upbeat music]

Oh, dearest brother, can I have a moment?

I was just wondering--

when I b*at you and I announce it to the world,

which would be more embarrassing--

a large ad in one newspaper,

or small ads in every newspaper in the world?

So what you're saying is I should just use my judgment?

Ferg-a-nerd.

Ultimately, you will lose, you know,

and your little, silent world will come crashing down on you.

- Excuse me, kids, I gotta go.

- Wait, Dad. - In a minute, Clarissa.

- Dad, you don't understand!

[objects crashing and splashing]

- [Marshall screams] Clarissa!

♪

- That's it.

He talks or I'll die making him.

♪

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ [upbeat music]

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

- Okay, I've been silent long enough.

I never realized how long

minutes and seconds could be.

This silent treatment Ferguson's been giving me for days now,

it's become an act of will for him,

almost a mission.

It's given Ferguson a new reason to live.

Of course, I can't allow that.

The old reason was perfect enough--

my parents brought Ferguson into this world to be my victim.

It's like those nature shows on TV.

I am the lioness, and he is the wildebeest,

the lunchmeat of the jungle.

But now, it's time for a silent treatment update

because Ferguson isn't all that strange these days.

Last night, Dad was watching that show he likes on public TV.

Suddenly... [loud expl*si*n]

- [screams]

- Turned out it was just a car backfiring.

But for hours, Mom thought Fishface Eddie was after her.

While Ferguson is starting to upset my normally calm waters.

Dummy, mutt-face, barf-brains, armpit, two-cheeks--

[fast-forwarded name-calling]

♪

I went through the alphabet six times.

There are no more insults, not in English.

Hi, Sam.

- Hey, Clarissa.

I picked up some books that might help you.

- Let's see.

- "A Spy Spills His Secrets."

"t*rture in the Middle Ages."

"Mayan Human Sacrifice"?

No, nothing strong enough.

What's this?

"Training Your Parrot To Talk"?

- I told you I got everything.

And it came with these seeds.

- Thanks, Sam, but I don't think it's gonna work.

- Well, I thought we'd get a parrot

and teach it to talk back to you.

- It just wouldn't be the same.

We've gotta get things back the way they were

with my bird-brained brother,

me insulting him, him insulting me.

It's the American way.

- Too bad the way to b*at the silent treatment

is so sickening.

Well, anyway-- - Hold it.

What did you say? - What?

- Something about a way to b*at the silent treatment.

I thought it was so unbeatable.

- Nearly, but no, forget it.

The way to win is just unthinkable in your case.

- Sam... if there is a way to win at this,

I wanna hear it.

- Okay, but I warned you.

To b*at Ferguson... - Yeah?

- You've gotta think like Ferguson.

- That is a scary thought. - You see?

- It's hard to believe you could get that way by trying.

- Right, so just give in, get it over with.

- I always hoped Ferguson's devious brain

was some sort of industrial accident.

If I think like him, will I have a meltdown?

- Just be careful.

What happens if thinking like Ferguson is

like crossing your eyes,

and doing it too much means you can't undo it?

- It's just a risk I'll have to take.

But just to be on the safe side,

I'll go have a chat with the manufacturers.

♪ [upbeat music]

Mom, I was wondering--

- Oh, this isn't it about the case, is it?

Because I really can't talk about it.

Not this close to the end. - It's not.

- Oh, you can't imagine what I have to hear day after day.

- You don't have to talk about it.

- These gangsters are very unsavory,

but not completely without feeling.

You would think that someone locked in the car trunk

would be very uncomfortable,

but with a few air holes and a little--

[scoffs]

I really shouldn't talk about the case.

- Probably not, but Mom--

- Now, what was it you wanted to ask me?

- Just a question about--

- Oh, is it a yes or no question?

That's the way they ask the questions in court.

The attorney asks one,

and if the witness tries to elaborate,

he yells, "Just answer the question, please.

Yes or no?"

- Yeah, right--

- Like today, Fishface Eddie's maid was on the stand.

Oh, you gotta watch yourself with her,

or you could end up with a feather-duster in your--

Oh. I better not talk about it.

- Better not, Mom.

But, um, I was just wondering, when Ferguson was a baby,

were there any traumatic experiences

that made him like he is today?

I mean, there wasn't a mirror in his crib or anything, was there?

- Ferguson?

As a baby?

Oh, I wish you could remember.

He was the sweetest little boy you ever saw.

He never gave us any trouble or a sleepless night.

Not like that Fishface Eddie.

They say that he was a torment from the day he was born.

And even as an infant, he would scratch and bite.

They had this awful thing he used to do

to the other children with his diapers--

- Mom! Mom.

- What?

- We were talking about Ferguson.

- Oh, that's right.

Well, let's see.

Um, right from the start,

we knew that he would be different from you.

He kept to himself mostly.

You had lots of little playmates.

You know, it's funny.

Fishface was a loner too.

They say a lot of psychopaths start out that way,

and he had these terrible habits.

When he was only seven,

he blew all his milk money on whiskey,

and cheap cigars, and then he-- - Mom!

- Oh. [clicks tongue]

Oh, my.

Clarissa, the trial ends tomorrow,

and the closer we get to finishing,

the more that's all I wanna talk about.

- That's okay, Mom. I understand.

- I guess it really isn't safe for us to continue this, mm?

Maybe after tomorrow?

- Sure, Mom.

I've just gotta understand how his brain ticks.

- Well, maybe you'd like to talk it over with your father.

- Yeah, okay.

- But remember, Clarissa--

I'm your mother, and I'm always here for you.

- Thanks, Mom.

These mother-daughter chats are so beneficial.

♪ [upbeat music]

Hey, Dad. - Hey, sport.

What's on your mind?

- Whoever coined the phrase "know your enemy"

never knew Ferguson.

- Oh, yes, is he--

is he still staying silent?

- It's amazing. I never thought I'd miss

the sound of his voice as much as I do.

- Yeah. Well, you could call it off.

Apologize, tell him he-- he won the game.

- Apologize? Never.

- Just this once.

- I'd rather gargle with your aftershave.

He'll gloat for the rest of his life.

- Well, maybe he deserves to win once in a lifetime.

- No way.

He'll taunt me, and tease me,

and tell everybody, and--

♪

- What is it, sport?

- It might work. It just might work.

It's the kind of sick, devious thing he would do

if he had a brain as big as that swollen head of his.

- Oh, come on, sport.

Now, nothing violent.

Just promise me that, okay?

Don't worry, Dad.

It's just that I think I'm starting to think like him.

Now, let's just hope the side effects

won't be too long-lasting.

♪

I know I'm not supposed to be in your room,

but when I tell you why I am here,

you'll forgive me.

You win.

I give up.

It pains me, but I confess.

You b*at me.

I take back everything bad I ever said about you.

I'm in awe of your superior intelligence,

and it amazes me you even associate

with lower slugs like us.

I want you to treat me like the inferior bucket of slime I am.

Let me bask in your glow of greatness.

Go ahead.

Play that tape for the entire world to hear.

Let them all know that I think you are everything,

and I am nothing.

Ferguson, once and for all,

I am truly, honestly sorry.

- Yes! Yes! I did it!

I finally got it on tape!

Dad, Dad, you gotta hear this!

- He's got it. Boy, is he gonna get it.

- Dad, Dad, you gotta hear this, Dad!

She admitted it! She admitted I b*at her!

She admitted I'm great! Listen!

- I don't hear anything.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Something's wrong.

- Oh, Ferguson. Do these belong to you?

- Batteries!

- Too bad.

Now, what was it you say I said? - I'll k*ll you!

I hate you, you creep!

- Crusty-face! - Midget-mind!

- Franken-burger! - Skunk-breath!

- Booger-face! - Butthead!

♪ [upbeat music]

- Gruel-face! - Bug-eater!

- Booger-ball! - Doodoo-head!

- I can't believe it. - Oh, good.

Here, hon, taste this. - [sighs]

- Janet, you look upset. What happened?

- He copped a plea. - What?

- Fishface Eddie agreed to plead guilty to a lesser crime.

That means the case is over.

- Great, does this need basil? - Great?

All this time, we couldn't talk

because it would affect our decision.

Now, we don't even get to decide.

It's all a waste.

Ooh, those awful lawyers, those awful gangsters.

- Well, at least it's over.

- Do you know how destructive I got?

You know that coupon for cheesecakes

Clarissa kept putting in my bag?

Well, I actually bought them.

Now, what is this family gonna do with cheesecakes?

- Thanks, Mom! - Thanks, Mom.

Drip! - Droog!

- Dogface!

Isn't family life wonderful?

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

All right, all right!

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

Way cool!

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

Way cool!

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

Just do it!

[thunder]