02x11 - Can't Buy Love

[bunniefuu]

- What's in and what's out--

two harmless little questions that make otherwise

rational people break out in hives.

Why?

Because let's face it, in life,

as in baseball, nobody wants to be out.

But sometimes it can't be helped.

Take paisley, for example.

First, it was in.

But then it got to be so in that it was out,

and once it was out, it came back in again.

The point is, in and out can both be pretty fickle.

Some of the coolest people of all time

were once on the out list.

Like when Galileo told his friends in school

that the Earth revolved around the sun.

They treated him like he was from outer space.

And when Susan B. Anthony fought for the right

to vote in elections, she learned that popularity

and politics don't always mix.

And before he went platinum,

Chuck Berry got sent to the principal's office

for making too much noise.

- Charles Berry!

Report to the principal's office at once.

Stop that noise!

[guitar music playing]

- So remember, being out can also mean being outrageous,

outstanding, and out of control.

But now, my creepy brother Ferg-face

has gotten the idea that he's really way in,

and it's about to drive me out of my mind.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na, na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na, na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Just do it ♪

- All right, listen to this.

"Clarissa Darling, bells ring when you walk past me.

A leaf slowly falls."

- Whoa, that's the fifth haiku taped to your locker this week.

- Actually, yesterday it was a sonnet.

- And it's nowhere near Valentine's Day.

- So? - So it can only mean

one thing-- you've got a secret admirer.

- A secret admirer who just happens to know

everything about me.

- That's part of the job description.

- But he even knows what my favorite type of gum is.

Sam, I don't even care what my favorite type of gum is.

- Maybe that's why he admires you.

- Why doesn't he just tell me in person?

- Because he's secret.

- It's driving me crazy.

Somebody knows everything about me,

and I don't know a single thing about him.

- There she is. Are you sure you can't deliver

high expl*sives? - For the billionth time, kid,

I'm sure.

Ace Delivery with a package for Clarissa Darling.

Are you Clarissa Darling?

- You've asked me that every time

you delivered a package this week.

- It's my job. Just sign, please.

- I'll bet it's from him.

- Him, who's him? - Relax.

It's probably just another one of those plaid velvet

money belts Aunt Dorney keeps sending me.

Driving gloves? - Cool.

- They're exactly what I've always wanted.

How did he know? - Look, there's a note.

- "You drive me wild.

[romantic music] Love, your secret admirer."

I believe I speak for all of us when I say, Ew!

- Give it back, barf brain. - No way, Old Sport.

- Give it back or-- wait a minute.

Did you just call me Old Sport?

- That's how those of us in the nautical set speak.

- Nautical set?

- Is that why you look like you're posing for

a bottle of aftershave?

- It just so happens that I plan to spend the afternoon

hobnobbing with none other than J. Elliott Fundsworth III,

wealthiest kid in the county,

junior "Forbes " member,

and my new best friend.

- I thought Maurice was your best friend.

Not to mention your only friend.

- It just so happens that J. Elliott and I

share all the same interests.

- Money, money, and more money.

- Elliott and I will be watching the "America's Cup" together.

It promises to be an exciting competition.

Elliott has his own -foot slurp.

- That's "sloop."

- Elliott sounds like a major dweeb.

- Dweeb? How can you say that about him?

He's got a tennis court, a soda machine,

and a pool in his backyard.

And he promised me an entire collection

of mint "Annihilator" comics.

I bet you wish you had a friend like that.

- I wish I had a brother who had half a brain cell.

- Hey, maybe J. Elliott Fundsworth

can put some money to work for us.

- What do you mean, Sam?

- I'm sure a high-priced private investigator

could sniff out your secret admirer.

- But maybe there's a reason he's so secret.

Maybe he's really gross.

- You're right. Maybe he's in jail.

- This is getting scary.

I gotta figure out who this guy is.

[doorbell rings]

- Who is it? - Ace Delivery

with a package for Clarissa Darling.

You Clarissa Darling?

Sign, please.

- Yum, sushi.

- Who sends boxes of sushi anyway?

- Well, I was hoping you'd tell me that.

There isn't any way you can figure out

where this came from, is there?

- Sorry, hey, that's not my job.

- Now I know why a secret admirer stays hidden.

He doesn't want to accept responsibility

for driving me completely insane!

- [sighs]

- You know, most of your sh*ts were outside the lines,

and I just didn't call you on it.

- I know, Marshall.

- And have to deal with this lower back pain, you know,

every time you served. - I know, Marshall.

- Plus, the sun was in my eyes. - I know, Marshall.

- Hi, Mom, Dad. How was tennis?

- Well, I think your mother, she's really improved.

- Mom, you b*at Dad.

- Into the ground. Sorry, dear.

- Way to go, Mom.

- Well, okay.

So... I lost, okay?

It's no big deal. It's just a game.

- I couldn't agree more. - It doesn't prove anything.

- Absolutely not. - And I-- I could have won.

- Sure, I could have let you.

[car horn honking]

[engine revving]

- Thanks for the ride.

- Whoa.

That is the longest limousine I've ever seen in my life.

- Yes.

Having friends in high places

can be a definite advantage.

- Especially when you're such a low life.

- Mommy. Daddy.

I'm about to improve your standing

in the social community. - Ooh.

- I've just been invited to the official initiation party

for the Young Americans Junior Yacht Club.

- Hey, that's great, Ferguson.

Except, you know, we don't have a yacht.

- That's the beauty of it, Dad.

See, we don't need to have a yacht.

I just need to have a best friend who has a yacht,

and it just so happens

that I do have a best friend who has a yacht.

- Must better than a friend with a personality.

- As a member of the Young Americans Junior Yacht Club,

I'll be on the fast track to social success.

It's more than just a club.

It's the inner circle.

- Well, it's nice to see you're making new friends, Ferguson.

- New and potentially lucrative.

- There's nothing wrong with that.

The friends I make through my best friend

will pave the way for a brighter future.

- Yeah. Hey, Ferguson.

I thought Maurice was your best friend.

- Well, yeah, but J. Elliott's my new best friend.

I promised Maurice I'd show him around the club

as soon as I get in. He's gonna flip.

- Looks like you've flipped already.

- Dad, the initiation party is next week.

Would you mind if I borrow one of your ties?

- Yeah, sure, Ferguson.

- Oh, that tie with the anchor motif

would look great on you, Ferguson.

- I think you'd look great wearing a real anchor.

- Don't worry, sis. Once I'm a member,

I'll be able to land you a position

as cabana girl at the club pool.

- No thanks.

Was it the great philosopher Groucho Marx who first said,

"I would never belong to a club

that would accept Ferguson a member"?

- So this is her native environment.

Truly fascinating. - Well, come on, you've seen it.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

- Hey. What are you doing?

Get out of my room!

- Is she always this saucy?

- Well, I've got her pretty well under control.

Clarissa, this is my best friend Ellie.

He wanted to meet you. Don't ask me why.

- J. Elliott Fundsworth III.

Charmed.

- Clarissa M. Darling, the first.

Annoyed. Now get out!

- Come on, Ellie.

It's almost her feeding timeanyway.

- Hey, Old Sport.

Why don't you go get out the croquet mallets

and we'll have at it?

- Sure thing, Old Sport.

I'll be right back.

- So what say we take this

opportunity to learn more about one another.

Darling, that's an American name, isn't it?

- Why? - Clarissa Darling,

bells ring when you walk past me.

A leaf slowly falls.

- Oh, please tell me that's just a big coincidence

and you're not-- - Your secret admirer?

- No way! - But of course.

- But you're not-- you're not--

How old are you?

- Oh, Clarissa,mon cherie.

Age and maturity have nothing to do with one another.

You have so much to learn about me.

And I already know so much about you.

- Listen, I am really busy right now.

Why don't you run along and play with your best friend Ferguson?

- Ferguson, my best friend?

What a quaint idea.

- What's wrong with Ferguson?

I can't believe I just asked that.

- Think about it.

Would you be friends with Ferguson

if you couldn't get something out of it?

And believe me,

I plan to get something out of it.

- But he really likes you.

- And I really like you. - Ugh!

- Got the mallets, Old Sport.

- Excellent. I'll be right with you.

Clarissa, I want you to know that we Fundsworths

have a tradition of always getting what we want,

no matter what.

- Well, we Darlings have a tradition of always

throwing out what we don't want.

See you later. Oh, one more thing.

Stop sending the gifts. I'm running out of room.

- Perhaps your house could use a new wing.

Ta-ta.

- Ugh!

[doorbell rings]

- Who is it?

- Ace Delivery with a package for Clarissa Darling.

- Oh, no, not again.

- You Clarissa Darling? - Don't you get a day off?

- Please sign.

What about your--

- Sprouts and oats?

[doorbell rings]

- You forgot your pony.

- Pony? What am I gonna do with a pony?

- Don't ask. I'm just the delivery guy.

- And I'm just the one who has to explain to my brother

that his new best friend is no friend at all.

And that's straight from the horse's mouth.

[neighing]

- ♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪♪

- Okay, the pony's back at the ranch where he belongs,

but I wish I'd saved the reins for Ferguson.

He's hit a personal best in obnoxious behavior

ever since he made friends with J. Elliott Fundsworth III.

But if I tell him he's being used, he'll be crushed.

I don't want him crushed. Just slightly dented.

In order to let my brother down gently,

I've been dropping hints.

First I tried the subtle approach.

Ferguson, I have something I have to tell you.

Have you ever thought about how your friends

aren't always really your friends?

- Ha. Sure. Back when I was voted

Most Likely to Eat Lunch Alone. But everything's different now.

So what did you want to tell me?

- Uh...

your socks don't match.

Okay, so I wimped out.

Then I tried the not-so-subtle approach.

Hey, Ferguson, here's a movie you might like-- "Backstabbed."

It's the painful true story about a guy

whose rich best friend is just being nice to him

when all he really wants to do is go out with his sister.

Doesn't that sound interesting?

- No. Who'd believe it?

Besides, "Cowboys & Aliens" is on.

- Then I tried the approach

I thought would be absolutely Ferg-proof.

But wouldn't you know it,

they just weren't biting that day.

Okay, so hinting's not my strong suit.

But I've still got to figure out a way to tell him.

Time for Plan X. Ask Mom and Dad.

Mom, Dad, I've gotta ask you something.

- In a minute, Sport. Two out of three.

- Oh. Sorry, Marshall.

- Three out of five?

- Marshall, when are you going to stop this competition kick?

- I don't know. As soon as I win at something?

- I've just been lucky, that's all.

So I b*at you at tennis, Parcheesi, backgammon,

and checkers.So what?

- One more game, that's all I ask.

- And then will you stop? - I promise, I promise.

Uh, let's go play chess.

- I don't know how to play chess.

- Excellent.

- Mom, Dad.

I've gotta ask you something about Ferguson.

- What is it, Clarissa? - Actually, it's about

J. Elliott. - The Fundsworth kid.

He's a bit much, isn't he?

- Well, but he and Ferguson really do seem to enjoy

each other's company.

- They seem to, yeah.

But he's so... so...

- Clarissa, you know, I may not care for this club set myself,

but, uh, we've got to let Ferguson choose his own friends.

- Besides, Clarissa, J. Elliott seems to be giving Ferguson

a lot more self-confidence.

- You think Ferguson needs more confidence?

- You know how fragile he really is.

- He'll be crushed if he doesn't get into that club.

But then I guess when your best friend is young Fundsworth,

you're a shoo-in. [chuckles]

So what did you want to ask us about him, Sport?

- Well, did you realize that...

[light music]

His... socks don't match?

I just thought you should know.

- [chuckles]

- Okay, so I can't bear to tell Ferg-breath the truth

and hurt his feelings.

But how can you hurt something that doesn't exist?

[ladder bangs]

- Hi, Sam.

- Hey, Clarissa.

- Sam, what would happen if I never told Fergface

the truth about J. Elliott Fundsworth?

- What's the truth? - He's using him to get to me.

- Well, why don't you just use J. Elliott?

- You mean, just go along with the J. Elliott Fundsworth flow?

- Well, it can't hurt to think about it.

- You're right.

I could just see it now...

[whimsical chords]

[orchestral music plays]

♪♪

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so glad I married you after all.

- Yes, remember when you were afraid of me and my money?

- Can you imagine?

Me, Clarissa Fundsworth,

afraid of money!

- [both laughing]

[doorbell chimes]

♪♪

- Oh, look dear. It's the little people.

- Why, invite them in,darling.

- Stop joking.

- We've come to collect money to help the homeless,

feed the poor, and patch up the ozone layer.

- Sorry. I don't break into my bubble bath

or bonbon funds for anyone.

- Ta-ta.

[sad music plays]

- [chuckling]

♪♪

- On the other hand,

"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"

isn't exactly your style.

- That does it.

It's time for truth and consequences.

I've got to tell Ferguson the truth and face the consequences.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

fellow members of the Young Americans Junior Yacht Club,

it is my honor to stand before you today

as a full-fledged member of this grand organization.

Don't you know how to knock, oozehead?

- Ferguson, we have to talk.

It's about little Lord Fundsworth,

your so-called best friend.

- J. Elliott?

There's nothing so-called about him.

- Ferguson, he doesn't like you.

- What? - J. Elliott doesn't like you.

He's using you. He has a crush on me,

and that's the only reason why he's letting you into his club.

- I know that. - I know this may be

hard for you, but-- what did you say?

- I know all about it.

- How did you find out?

- Elliott and I have an understanding.

He explained to me the importance of contacts.

You're not just my sister,

you're my key to the upper class.

He gives me what I want, I give him-- well, never mind.

- Wait a minute.

He gave you membership into the Junior Loser Yacht Club

and what did you give him?

- Well, it's been fun. Set up an appointment again

and we'll do it real soon. - What did you give him?

- Nothing. Nothing at all.

And definitely not a copy of your personal diary.

- My diary?

- I took the liberty of having it photocopied

and bound in leather.

You'd be amazed at how powerful a bargaining chip can be.

- So that's how he knows everything about me.

Get it back or prepare to die, Fergwad.

- No can do, sis.

Elliott likes to carry it with him wherever he goes.

Close to his heart. It's nothing personal.

Strictly business.

- Well, then I better go get ready

for the Junior Yacht Club party.

- You're not invited. - I'm crashing.

Maybe you can't get my diary back, but I can.

You understand. Strictly business.

[ominous music plays]

[piano music plays]

- Whoa, is this place ultra-fancy or what?

- Don't get used to it, sludge brain.

You're here to scoop up the diary and split

before anybody knows we're related and no harm done.

- We'll see about that.

[fanfare]

[dinging]

♪♪

- Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to our th annual assemblage

of the Young Americans Junior Yacht Club.

[applause]

Thank you.

As you know, we have a proud tradition to uphold,

and that's what makes today's membership selections

so vitally important.

Would the following candidates please stand

as I call their names?

Kafliffnik, Flingson, Shriner.

You're not in the club.

Sorry, but thanks for dropping by.

And please feel free to help yourself

to the complimentary shrimp cocktail on your way out.

Now then...

Cutler, Johnson, Darling.

Congratulations.

You are now full-fledged members

of the Young Americans Junior Yacht Club.

- Yes, I'm in! You hear that?

I'm in! You like me!

You really, really like me!

Yes, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in!

- All right, settle down!

Hey, Fundsworth, I want my diary back,

or you're in big trouble.

- What spunk.

Has anybody ever told you you're even more beautiful

when you're angry?

- I said fork it over, dough boy.

- I'll have my people fax it over first thing Monday.

- Now, unless you want to be J. Elliott Fundsworth the last.

- How can I resist those sparkly eyes?

I just can't say no.

- Congratulations, Ferguson.

You finally scraped the barrel so hard

you actually found someone sleazier than yourself.

- Who cares? I'm a member.

This is so great.

I think I'll just lounge around in the steam room,

catch up on the "Annihilator."

Lap of luxury, here I come.

Hey!

- Sorry, old man. This is a sophisticated club.

Comic books are also against our policy.

- But I thought you liked the "Annihilator."

- A childish passing fancy better left outside the club.

House rules and all that.

- Okay, well, I'll just read the "Annihilator" at home.

But wait till my friends see this place.

- What friends? - Yeah, what friends?

- Maurice will love hanging out here.

- Maurice.

Oh, yes, the pasty little fellow?

Sorry, Old Sport, but he's not allowed.

- What? Why not?

- Yeah, why not?

- He's just not our type.

- But I promised I'd show him around.

- Show him a photograph. We have a very strict policy.

That's what makes us so special.

- What kind of club is this anyway?

- Simply the best.

Although occasionally we do have to let in

the common riff-raff

as long as he has a beautiful sister.

- Riff-raff? Did you just call me riff-raff?

- Looks like the only way to be cool around here

is to make somebody else feel stupid.

- Hey, what's the deal? - I don't care for your tone,

Ferguson. - Is my tone against

club policy also?

- Don't let him boss you around, Ferguson.

- I think it's time we changed a few rules around here.

- You're looking a gift horse in the mouth,

and I suggest you change your attitude.

- And I suggest you bite a slug.

If this is the price of being in your stupid club, I quit.

- What? You can't quit.

We have to reject you first.

Once a member, always a member until you hear otherwise.

- And once a jerk brain, always a jerk brain.

And you won't be hearing otherwise.

Come on, Fergface. Let's get out of this dump.

- What?

You can't call this place a dump.

I demand you come back here.

Darling. Are you listening?

We had an arrangement.

- Sorry, Old Sport.

The arrangement is off.

- Ta-ta.

- One, two, three, four, five.

- Yes!

The thrill of victory.

- What's up, Dad? - Ooh, in one word...

[laughs]I won!

I won! I won.

- Yes, you did, dear, and I couldn't be happier.

- It's only Monopoly money, Dad.

- Yeah, but it's mine. It's all mine.

[orchestral music plays]

- I decided to start my own club.

Now all I need is some members to sign up.

- How many do you have so far?

- Well, there's me and Maurice. - Uh-huh.

- But that's all I need to start the fundraising drive.

- Maybe Clarissa will join.

- Nah. - Nah.

- I just don't think she's club material.

- What a relief.

[doorbell rings]

Who is it?

- Ace Delivery-- - Oh, no.

Return to sender!

- Clarissa!

- Ace Delivery with a package for Janet Darling?

Are you Janet Darling? - Yes, I am.

- Sign please. - Uh-huh.

- Phew. I thought it was from--

- Gee, I can't believe someone knows I like fossils.

And look. There's a little haiku.

"Janet Darling, bells ring when you play tennis.

A leaf slowly falls."

Who could this be from?

- Oh, no.

I can't believe J. Elliott Fundsworth

is going after my mother.

- Uh, I actually penned that.

- Oh! - Yeah.

I may not be as rich as he is,

but I own Park Place.

- Dad, take it from me. - Huh?

- Even Monopoly money can't buy love.

- ♪ Na na na-na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na-na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ N-n-n-n-na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

[thunder rumbles]