02x13 - The Return of Aunt Mafalda

[bunniefuu]

- Okay, natural disasters can be a bummer,

but usually you have enough warning to prepare for them.

Take locusts.

They're only supposed to swoop down once every seven years.

After they descend, they eat everything in sight.

But seven years is plenty of time to prepare munchies

for a billion flying insects.

Then there are volcanoes.

They have a lag time of hundreds of years,

plus a built-in warning device.

You know that one's about to erupt nearby

if your neighborhood starts to look like

one giant smoking section.

But the best kind of natural disaster is the kind you can

avoid completely, like tsunamis.

Tsunamis are huge, -foot tidal waves

that crash in from the ocean.

Not a problem if you live in, say, Kansas,

which is more than four weeks from the nearest beach.

But there's one disaster that's much worse than any tsunami,

fiery volcano, or swarm of locusts.

It strikes without warning.

It creeps into your bedroom

and braids your hair while you sleep.

It turns you into a giant spitball with slimy,

wet kisses from hell.

[thunder booming]

- [cackling]

- It's Aunt Mafalda!

- Ooh, hi, Clarissa! Ha-ha-ha.

[lively percussive music]

- ♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it

- If there's one thing I hate, it's a fait accompli.

That's French for something it's too late to do anything about.

Like Ferguson.

Did anybody ask me if I wanted an alien life form

for a sibling?

This time, my parents forgot to ask me if I minded having

Aunt Mafalda swoop down from the Great White North

to baby-sit while they're away.

For a whole week.

Great way to turn my slumber party into a total snooze.

Let's see if we can stop this fait before it gets accompli.

- And is it too late to order the vegetarian meal?

Oh, good.

Thank you. Bye.

Oh.

- Okay, Mom.

If you tell Aunt Mafalda not to come,

I swear I'll never have my nose pierced.

My teeth will never touch refined sugar,

and as an extra bonus, I'll never get a tattoo...

that you can see.

- Clarissa...

- Can't we make some kind of deal?

- Clarissa, Mafalda is really looking forward to coming.

- Mom, I just want to thank you for having Aunt Mafalda

stay with us.

I can't wait till she gets here.

- Thanks for the help, dog breath.

Mom, did you forget that next Saturday is my slumber party?

- Of course not.

Oh, if you need anything special,

you just let Mafalda know, huh?

- What if I need Aunt Mafalda to just go away?

She'll wreck my slumber party.

- Clarissa, when we were younger,

Mafalda was the hit of every slumber party.

Her taffy pull is the best.

- Taffy pull? What's a taffy pull?

Help, Dad.

- Oh, I can't, Sport.

I was never at a slumber party with your Aunt Mafalda.

- I hope I'll be able to say the same thing someday.

- I, for one, love taffy. I can't wait to pull some.

- Hey, Dad, how do you pull taffy anyway?

- Guys, try to cooperate.

This trip to New York is very important to us.

And you know your father has ABADABA.

- ABADABA?

- ABADABA is the American Board of Architects,

Designers, and Bathroom Analysts, pea brain.

- I'm presenting my bathroom. - Dad.

- Yeah? - I've shared our bathroom.

You may want to rethink this.

- No, no, notourbathroom.

The bathroom I designed.

Yeah, it's ABADABA's annual convention,

and, uh, I'm up for an award.

- Pretty impressive, huh?

- Now, see, you come in right here.

You get washed here and rinsed here.

It's automated, you know, like a car wash.

- Oh, Marshall, I can't wait to try some of these

vegetarian restaurants in New York.

- And risk getting mugged by your waiter?

Ugh. You don't wanna go to New York.

- Mom, Dad, I think New York is a great place.

You can buy anything there.

Now, I wouldn't want you to waste valuable time choosing

the perfect souvenir for me.

- Well, what did you have in mind, Ferguson?

- The BHV Spectral Analyzer.

- Ooh. - Whoa.

That's pretty fancy equipment.

- What do you want it for, Ferguson?

Ahem.

- The pursuit of scientific knowledge.

With it, I'll be able to figure out the chemical components

of everything in the world.

- Can we finally found out what weird mutant compounds

you're made of?

- Just wait till I figure out the chemical components

of Twinkie cream, Tastitos,

and all the junk food known to man.

I'll make them mine.

I'll get rich.

And you'll get nothing.

- Mom, don't you think it's time we took care of ourselves?

- Clarissa, this is how it is, huh?

- Sport, we all do things we don't want to do.

Now, you've got to deal with Aunt Mafalda,

and I have to get on an airplane.

You know, what if the pilot's having a bad day?

What if the airline's having a bad year?

[scoffs]

What if that flotation cushion is just a sofa pillow?

- Hey, Dad, are you okay?

- Mm-hmm.

- 'Cause I can get on the plane for you.

- Clarissa, maybe in another year

you can be left in charge, huh?

- Hey, Clarissa.

Clarissa?

Where are you?

- In here.

- What are you doing in there?

- This is the outfit Aunt Mafalda sent me for my birthday.

- Wow.

Like, where's the herd of goats and your walking stick?

- Mom says I have to wear it to meet Aunt Mafalda

or I'll hurt her feelings.

Ferguson is supposed to be wearing his matching lederhosen.

- Now that's dorky.

My advice to you?

Stay in the closet till she's gone.

- She'll get in.

Aunt Mafalda can get in anything.

And she'll be here on Saturday night.

- So?

- My slumber party.

She'll turn it into a nightmare on Shadow Lane with her

snuggly-wuggly bear hugs and her traumatic stories

about my preschool traumas.

And I hear she does a mean taffy pull.

- What's a taffy pull?

- I don't even know, and I don't want to find out.

- Feel the calm. - Feel the calm.

- Be the calm. - Be the calm.

- Repeat after me.

- Repeat after me.

[groans]

Janet, this isn't working.

- Ugh.

Try harder to feel the calm, dear.

- Well, you know, I can feel the calm better

when I can feel the ground.

I hate flying.

- Allow the white light to enter your navel

and now breathe in,

out, in...

[garbled]

- Marshall, the tape's stuck.

Breathe out!

- [exhales]

- [exhales]

- That's great. That's great.

My "Come Fly With Me" cassette even crashed.

- Marshall, relax.

- What makes you think that if a tape recorder can't work

that a massive tube of metal

is gonna stay up in the sky, huh?

- Dad, can you please sign this?

- Mm-hmm.

What am I signing?

- A consent slip.

- Uh-huh.

Consent for what?

- Oh, just one of those, uh, field trips.

- Yeah? - Just sign here.

- Biosphere Unlimited?

- What's Biosphere Unlimited?

- Huh.

"We hereby grant our daughter Clarissa Darling permission

to live in an ecologically self-sufficient cave..."

You didn't.

" feet below the surface of the Earth

until we return from New York."

- feet underground?

I don't think so, Clarissa.

- You know, I don't know what's scarier,

being stuck in a cave or up in the air.

If this was a perfect world,

everything would be at sea level.

- Gosh, I wouldn't want to fly these days.

- Really? Why not?

- Oh, nothing.

Except those DC-s.

They're so old it's a miracle they stay together.

It must be with all the glue.

- Clarissa...

- Hey, I want to know.

Go on.

- And the air traffic controllers,

talk about pressure.

Do you realize you're just a little blip on the radar?

Each blip represents, oh,

innocent lives.

- Oh.

A blip.

Oh.

I'm a blip!

Hey, hey.

Maybe we could fax them my bathroom design, huh?

- Marshall, just let the light enter your navel, hmm?

- Yeah.

- Breathe in.

- [inhaling]

- Breathe out.

- [exhaling]

- Okay.

I've decided to cut my losses.

There.

Mafalda-proofed.

- One more thing, Clarissa.

Aunt Mafalda has a tendency

towards dry skin, so remind her

to keep the humidifier going.

And keep an eye on her electric toothbrush.

She always forgets to put it back in the recharger.

Oh, and remind her that the thermostat is degrees off.

- Mom, am I taking care of Aunt Mafalda

or is Aunt Mafalda taking care of me?

- Let the white light into my navel.

Let the white light into my navel.

- Clarissa, you're not wearing the outfit Mafalda gave you.

- I'm saving it for the school production of "Heidi."

- Here, Mom. I think this will come in handy.

- A subway map.

How thoughtful of you, Ferguson.

- Look, he highlighted all the places you can buy

a Spectral Analyzer.

How considerate.

- Mom, I feel the Spectral Analyzer

will give me a critical edge

in these scientifically challenging times.

- You mean a financial edge.

And I wouldn't call cloning junk food

a scientific challenge.

- Janet, did I pack my shaving stuff?

I've got the funniest feeling-- - It's called anxiety.

You'll be fine, Marshall.

- I'm okay. I'm okay.

[knocking on door]

What?

[knocking continues]

- Oh. - Oh, Mafalda!

- Oh, Janet.

both: Oh!

- Oh, Marty. - [laughs]

Hey, hey, what happened to your doorbell?

I've been standing out there for five minutes.

- Why doesn't the doorbell work?

- And how are my two favorite cadoodles?

Oh, my lederhosen.

[laughs]

Look how grown-up my delicious little maple leaves are.

Ooh, let me at those adorable cheeks.

Mwah! [giggles]

Come here, Clarissa. Mwah!

Oh! You know I'm just crazy

about my two little love bunnies.

- Love bunnies?

[car horn honking]

- Oh, the cab. - Right.

I hope we haven't forgotten anything.

- Great. - I'll come.

Take me with you.

I'll carry all your bags.

- So we'll have plenty of fun here.

Now go on, you two, get out of here.

♪ New York, New York - [laughs]

Bye! - Okay.

- Be good, kids.

Bye!

- We'll miss you!

Safe journey.

Don't worry.

[laughs]

Oh.

So, my little sweet peas,

we're going to have fun, fun, fun!

Ah, ho-ho!

Come on.

Oh, Clarissa, come on.

Here we go.

[whooping]

[funky music]

[funky music]

♪

- There, that should keep her out.

Let's take a look at some of the stunning events

from Mafalda's House of Horrors.

At hours, Mafalda began our workout.

- This is how we keep in shape

at the Ladies' Moose Lodge in Ottawa.

[hooting]

Fergy!

- And then you know how you freak out at school

when you hear the PA come on and it's your name.

- Clarissa Darling, please report

to the principal's office.

Your aunt is here with the sweater...

- It's too chilly to go out without a sweater, sweetie.

And I baked goodies for your whole class.

[laughter]

- And then she insisted on fixing my leggings.

- Clarissa, look.

I added footsies.

[making cartoonish sounds]

[laughs]

- One thing's for sure. I'm not gonna let her wreck

my slumber party.

I'm not even gonna tell her about my slumber party.

- Clarissa.

Oh, oh, my.

What happened to all your furniture?

Oh, dear.

- I just thought it could use a little rearranging.

- Well, how about a yummy cup of cocoa?

- No, thanks.

- Let's do something together,

just the two of us.

- Aunt Mafalda, we've been doing stuff together

since you got here.

- We haven't tie-dyed a T-shirt.

- Tie-dying?

Isn't that an ancient ritual

that went out with Sonny and Cher?

Anyway, I have a really big algebra assignment due tomorrow.

- Oh, algebra, my favorite!

[phone rings]

Oh, no, I'll get it.

I'm always intrigued by a mystery.

I just love figuring out what X is.

Hello.

No.

This is Clarissa's secretary.

[giggling]

May I ask what this is in reference to?

A movie marathon at the slumber party?

Oh, I love slumber parties!

[giggling]

What is your name, dear?

Oh, it's Hillary.

Oh, Hillary, I just can't wait to meet you, dear.

Yes.

Just a second.

Oh, here.

I'll go get started on the decorations.

We'll bob for apples.

We'll pin the tail on the donkey and--oh,

the taffy pull!

Why didn't you tell me you were having a slumber party?

Mwah, oh!

I'm excited!

[laughing]

- Hillary?

You've just said something I'm going to regret

for the rest of my life.

Okay, so she found out.

It doesn't mean I'm going to shrivel up and die

of embarrassment.

All I have to do is cancel the slumber party,

or at least I'll tell Mafalda I canceled it

until I can figure out some way to have the party without her.

Hey, Sam.

- There you are.

Bad news.

All that food we stowed away at my house for the party,

my dad got to it.

- That's okay.

Mafalda found out about the party.

- Okay, then I'll bring what's left of your supplies back

before my dad scarves down all of it.

- No, you better hang on to the junk food stash.

I've got a plan.

Mafalda's about to be informed that the party's off.

- So it's off?

- No, the party's on.

My aunt's off.

- So it's on.

- But Mafalda has to think it's off.

- Okay, I've got it. The party's on.

- Right, it's on.

- But you're telling Aunt Mafalda it's off

so she'll forget about it and you can have

the party without her.

- Exactly.

- One question:

how are you going to get her out of the house?

- That's the second part of my plan.

- Which is?

- The part I haven't figured out yet.

- Clarissa.

Oh, it's the little lady k*ller.

Hi, Sam.

So cute.

How's about me making some of

that small curd cheese you like so well?

- No thanks, Aunt Mafalda.

- Tell you what.

I'll make a whole batch for our slumber party.

Sorry, Sam.

No boys allowed.

Okay, back to the kitchen.

[chuckling]

- She's like Krazy Glue.

She bonds instantly, permanently and before you know it,

you're stuck for life.

- Yeah, my dad's like that sometimes.

Especially after football season ends.

- Wait a second.

- Why don't I like that look?

- Sam, what's your dad doing tomorrow night?

- He's taking me to a hockey game.

- This is perfect. My aunt loves hockey.

- Mafalda and my dad?

No way.

- It's my only hope, and it's so easy.

All you have to do is cancel at the last minute

and tell your dad my aunt would love to go.

- What if my dad ends up really liking her?

- Sam, it's my only sh*t.

- Hey, look who I found outside trying to ring the doorbell.

- Hillary.

- Oh, hi, Hillary.

- Hi, guys.

- Hillary and I had a lovely chat while I braided her hair.

Oh, now you guys go on and have fun.

- See what I mean?

- You're right.

You can't let Aunt Mafalda anywhere near

your slumber party.

I'll talk to my dad.

- Hillary, have you heard of the Bahamian Flu?

- No.

- Okay, here's the plan...

- Ooh, I'm having more fun than a goose in a granary.

I bet you're glad you changed your mind about tie-dying, eh?

- Yeah, it's pretty cool.

It's fun to ruin your clothes on purpose.

- Oh, and these make great gifts.

We once had a tie-dye raffle at the Ladies' Moose Lodge

and made $.

- Sam would love this.

I promised him I'd tie-dye one of his hockey shirts.

- Oh, does Sam play hockey?

- No, but Arnold, Sam's dad, is a sportswriter,

and hockey's his favorite sport.

- Oh, you know, hockey's my favorite sport too.

- No, really?

- Your Uncle Owen, rest his soul,

was at his best playing hockey.

He had the smile to prove it.

- Arnold, Sam's dad, has a great smile.

Some people say he's a dead ringer for Kevin Costner.

- Really?

Oh, I never understood what people see in Kevin Costner.

- Did I say Kevin Costner?

I meant Mel Gibson.

- Mel who?

Oh, I never cared for that pretty boy.

- Actually, Arnold is always getting mistaken

for Merv Griffin.

- Merv Griffin.

Oh, gosh, I miss his show.

- Arnold and Merv could practically be twins.

Arnold's divorced, by the way.

- Really, what are you getting at, dear?

- It just so happens that Arnold has an extra ticket

to tomorrow night's hockey game.

- But, Clarissa, tomorrow night is our slumber party.

- Not anymore.

I had to cancel it.

- You did? Why?

- Hillary's not feeling well.

She suddenly came down with the Bahamian Flu.

I just didn't feel right about having the party without her.

- Oh, you must be-- how do you say, bummed, eh?

You were looking forward to this sleepover.

- Oh, it's just another slumber party.

So should I call Sam about those extra tickets?

- Well, are you sure you don't want to go?

- Me? No.

I don't know the difference

between a penalty box and a puck.

- Well... if you insist.

Ooh, a hockey game does sound like fun.

Oh, why not?

I haven't been out in a while.

Ooh, I forgot I told Fergy I'd tie-dye his tie.

I'll be right back.

- Hillary?

It's me.

We're definitely back on.

[footsteps tapping]

[eerie music]

♪

Now he's gonna open the door.

- How stupid can he be?

- It wouldn't be a horror movie

if he didn't open the door.

- There he goes.

- Ahh!

[laughter]

- I love a happy ending.

Seeing her rip his heart out was so romantic.

So what's next?

Another nacho con salsa break?

Or "I Drink Your Blood"?

Or "I Drink Your Blood "?

"Dances with Werewolves"?

- We've watched three horror movies already,

and nothing has scared us.

- I guess we're unscareable.

all: Ahh!

- Aunt Mafalda?

- That darn doorbell.

I locked myself out,

and the old honker's still not working.

I saw the ladder outside,

and I figured I'd make like

a billy goat and scoot on up.

- Well, did you have a good time at the hockey game?

- It was awesome, eh?

The Blackhawks had a great fight in the second period.

- Hey, sounds cool.

- Oh.

"Chilling with a Chainsaw "

is the best of the sequels if you ask me.

- The creepier, the better.

- You girls are having quite a party.

I'm Clarissa's Aunt Mafalda. Hi.

[together] Hi.

- Ooh, I love your shoes.

Hillary, it's nice to see you.

- Hillary's feeling much better, right, Hil?

- Uh-huh.

- Well...

you girls have a great time.

This, uh, Canadian goose

is turning down her feathers for the night.

Bye.

- You know, your aunt's really not so bad.

- Yeah, I think she's kinda neat.

- I can't believe she didn't try to braid our hair.

I better go make sure she's okay.

[knocking]

Aunt Mafalda, can I come in?

- Oh, why aren't you at the party with your friends?

- Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to not tell you about the party.

It's just...well...you know, I wanted it to be a girl party.

I mean, just for us girls.

It's just that you're so much older.

I mean, not that you're old, but we're so much younger and...

I don't know.

Well, I'm just sorry that... I'm just sorry.

- You know, I did something like this once.

- You did?

- Mm.

I pretended all my dolls were kidnapped

and then secretly moved them out to the barn

and had a tea party.

- Well, what happened?

- The donkey ate my very best doll.

- Really?

Who were you hiding from?

- Your mother.

Promise you won't tell.

- Promise.

Aunt Mafalda, are you sure you don't want to join us?

- Oh, don't be silly.

- Look, I'm sorry.

All the girls really think you're cool.

- You're just being nice.

- No, really.

Everyone really likes you.

- Really?

Well...

we could do a taffy pull.

- A taffy pull? - Uh-huh.

- Well, that could be interesting,

but, Aunt Mafalda, just tell me one thing.

- What?

- What is a taffy pull?

- Well, okay, first...

Oh, welcome home.

Did you have a great time?

- Yes. - Good.

- Oh, oh, look.

Look at the wings the pilot gave me.

- On top of his ABADABA design winning first prize.

- Oh, please, please.

Yes, from now on in architectural circles,

they'll be calling me Mr. Bathroom.

[laughter]

- How was your slumber party, Clarissa?

- Great.

Aunt Mafalda's taffy pull was a big hit.

- Really?

- Oh, gee, Mom and Dad,

you didn't have to buy me a gift.

- Well, you know, Ferguson, we tried,

but I know it's not exactly a Spectral Analyzer.

- A magnifying glass?

- Well, we had to get you something we could fit

through the front door.

[laughter]

- I guess I can use it to observe germs.

- Hey, back off, micro head.

- Hi, everyone.

- Hey, Sam. - Hi, Samuel.

- Hey, Mafalda, my dad's ready. - Oh.

- Mafalda, you know Sam's father?

- Well, Arnold offered to drive me to the airport.

Funny, he doesn't look a thing like Merv Griffin.

- Oh, you're right, Aunt Mafalda.

I don't know what I was thinking.

- Wow.

Sounds like a lot went on since we were here.

We'll have to go away more often, Marshall.

- No, Mom, really.

I think more than enough has gone on already.

- Well, I have to go.

Gotta catch that plane.

- ♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

[thunder booming]